Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
In an up and down kind of way, I beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I’m fairly certain that I think too much.
I miss He a lot lately, usually at night. And I do my damnedest to leave him alone. He doesn’t need me.
I’m stuck. I’m happy, but I’m not happy. It’s like being content because you have Jell-o, but it’s not the flavor you wanted. So it’s good, but it’s not as good as it could be. I’m stuck wanting things that I can’t have. Why do I do this to myself? Unobtainable.
I’m starting to freak the fuck out, kids, because it’s crunch time, especially in Senior Seminar, and I’m not making the progress I feel like I should be making. I have no clue how the hell to even begin the presentation that’s due in a week. I have a presentation for another class in roughly a month, on a book that I haven’t even begun to think about reading. On top of it all, I just want to go home for break, and I have no way to get there at the moment. And I’m not sure I’m going to find a way. Balls.
I don’t even know how to say all the things I want to say. I feel emotionally retarded.
Filed under: Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I don’t know what I need to do differently (well, I suppose I do), but something has got to change. I’m getting really tired of getting up to go work out and being struck with the overwhelming need to vomit. So I dry heave a bunch, and then go lift weights, and dry heave a bunch, and then come back to my room, and then go to Bodysculpting, and dry heave a bunch, and work out, and then go actually puke (it’s mostly just bile, which, let me tell you, is tons of fun), and then work out more. Today I felt like I was going to pass out, and there were pretty little stars floating around in my field of vision for the better part of the class.
I know I just need to eat more, specifically breakfast, but it’s really hard, because eating breakfast makes me throw up, too (yes, I’ve tried it). I eat really well when I do eat, I just don’t do it often enough, I suppose. My dad seems to be pretty concerned about it, because I called him to ask him about what I could do or what was going on, and he asks me every time we talk if I’m still puking.
I suppose it’s the price you pay to look good? I can’t even really tell if anything is changing for me body-wise. I seem to have plateaued at 150, which is kind of depressing, but my pants are also too big for me, and there’s definition in my biceps and shoulders/back. I suppose living in my body makes it hard for me to judge the changes, if in fact there are many/any.
I really want someone to come cuddle with me and watch a movie.
And it’s been FAR too long since I’ve had sex or done anything even close to it. It’s good, but oh, oh, so fucking bad.
I want to go home. Two weeks.
Filed under: Uncategorized
What’s awesome is a breakdown that comes out of nowhere.
I had a miniature one of those last night, and it was all sorts of not cool. And then all hell broke loose, fortunately not from me, but still.
It’s ups and downs. I don’t feel like doing this rimeow.
Filed under: My heart hurts
There is so much pain in the world.
People hurt. People hurt people.
Why?
I think we all deserve to feel loved.
We all deserve to feel wanted.
We all deserve to feel needed.
We all deserve to feel important.
And no one deserves to have that ripped away.
There is too much pain in the world.
There is too much pain.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I preface this with a sigh, because that is all I have.
My body aches. My mind aches. Everything aches. Everything is tired. I’m ready for this semester, at very least, to be over.
I haven’t had sex in a month, and though I take pride in that, it’s also extremely frustrating, in more ways than I care to address at current.
I’m going to run out of money, and that’s okay, I guess, but again, frustrating.
I really just want to get all my shit done so I can sit around with some “friends” and drink some beer and refuckinglax.
More when I actually have time.
Filed under: Uncategorized
How long have I been wasting my time?
It’s a very cold realization. Stark. Shocking. It’s as though mommy told me I could have a puppy if I could take care of it by myself. So I got motivated and started taking the steps to be able to get what I wanted. I even have the puppy picked out. I know what I want, and I have been told what I have to do to get it. But then, out of the blue, mommy says no, I can’t have the puppy. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out.” And I’m devastated. I don’t know how much energy I wasted. I don’t know how much time I wasted. And I can’t bear to think about how much emotion I invested in something that fell apart before I even had a chance.
And it’s old fucking news. Everyone else has moved on. Everyone else is irritated at the repetition. And I seem to be the only one that’s stuck in the fog, hanging behind, grasping blindly with my arms outstretched in front of me, desperate for something to hold on to, for someone to guide me through. I’m alone. And all I want has been denied. Realizing that is like an unexpected slap in the face. I’m still reeling.
I need to figure out what to do before I do something terrible. I need to figure out how to make it go away before it consumes me. I’m on a path to self-destruction. I can feel it. I’m developing tendencies toward notions I know are stupid. And I can’t help it.
You couldn’t even say something nice.
Filed under: Fuck
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I stumbled. People keep telling me that I’m too hard on myself, but I have an idea of how I want to be, and I’m not sticking to it very well. Granted, kissing isn’t sex. And it was very brief. But it still makes me look back and cringe. My stomach flip-flops. It’s a really harsh moment of “shit.“
But that’s okay. Because I have a lot to do in order to actually get the hell out of here. I have a lot of goals that I really, really want to reach, and I’m going to. Period.
Because I want it that badly.
Something changed. Something actually, for real-real not for play-play changed.
Finally.
I can breathe. It’s still hard, and there’s still a rattle in there somewhere, but every day gets a little easier. I think I’m finally doing something right. It’s the distance, now, that’s killing me. The missing. That’s the hard part. That’s what sometimes wraps itself around me and starts to squeeze, usually at night. Or on a particularly beautiful day. The missing, the longing, the misery. But it’s getting easier. Not like I’m getting over it, but more like I’m finding it easier to deal with. This is perhaps the most intense feeling of resolve I have ever experienced. I said I was fighting a losing war. But I’m not so sure I am. I feel like if I believe enough, and I fight like hell, maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance that I can get out of this alive. And even with some sense of triumph.
My father wants me to go to Ohio with him and the girls for Thanksgiving. I don’t want to. I know that seems terrible, because I do want to spend time with them, but I really just want to be home. I don’t want to drive across the country to spend Thanksgiving in a foreign place with foreign people. I want to sit on my couch and watch TV. I want to cuddle up with my dog and do my homework. I want to go to dinner with my mother and my brother and I want to see all my friends. I want to see Poser before she moves away. I want to see quarterlife. I want to spend time with the people who mean a lot to me. Not to say that my family doesn’t, but I don’t want to drive for 8 hours just to drive again to some place I don’t want to be. Ugh. I suppose we will see how that goes. The entire dad/family situation is a bunch of drama right now, and I to be honest, I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t have the time or the energy. I have much bigger things to focus on. Like getting on top of shit so I can graduate.
I feel like I kept falling down, and I’ve finally stood up. I’ve finally dusted myself off, and now I’m keeping an eye on my footing. I have my entire fucking future to look forward too, and I was spending entirely too much time trying to run toward it without paying attention to my surroundings. I’m taking my time. When it comes time to run, then I’ll do it. But at the moment, I’m content with walking. I’m okay with making sure I’m taking the right steps to get where I want to go.
Will you be there when I get there?
Filed under: Honestly
Today (well, yesterday, technically) was the best day I have had in a very long time. I’m not entirely sure why.
I have every reason to continue feeling as miserable as I’ve been feeling. But at the same time, it’s as though someone has ignited a fire beneath me, and I’m awfully compelled to leap into action. I’m not fucking around this time. I’m going to do what I have to do, period. I’m tired of not following through with what I’ve said I’ll do, because I said I would do whatever it takes. Day one went pretty well.
I need to just learn to breathe again. The air is pungent and shallow and disgusting, but if I ever want to breathe fresh air again, I’ve got to weather this and stop allowing it to prevent me from moving on.
I have hope. It feels incredible, and at the same time, I’m trying to not invest too much in it, because there is the inkling in the back of my mind that says my chain is being yanked.
Time, you are cruel. But I guess I have no choice but to let you do what you do.
We’ll see what happens.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Stephen King wrote that, and it just kind of stuck with me.
Some day, I’m going to learn that loving myself is more important than loving someone else, especially when it is thrown in my face that I’m wasting (and possibly had wasted) my time.
Some day, I’m going to wake up and look in the mirror and believe that I’m as beautiful as I think I am on the inside.
Some day, I’m going to fix all the things I’ve broken, including myself.
I’m doing better lately. I resist temptations, or at least the ones that I know will get me into trouble or lead me to something I know I will regret. I’m angsty and sad and bitter, but I’m doing okay. Or at least very close to okay, most of the time. I think stupid amounts of physical activity helps.
I refuse to believe that I am a bad person, but I feel like I am. And I’m exhausted. I’m tired of feeling nothing but negative things about myself as a result of everything with He. It’s stupid. But I can’t bring myself to change it. I don’t really know how. Some of it is in his hands, I suppose, and it’s all such clusterfuckery that it doesn’t matter.
It never really mattered.
Some day, I’m going to have the strength to rise from the ashes and begin anew.
I am beautiful and brilliant. I am a good friend and a good person, and I am overlooked.
I don’t want to do it all over with someone else. That’s part of my problem, I think. I don’t want it with anyone else. I never asked for marriage. I never asked for forever. I never asked for much.
I’m sorry I couldn’t show you how much I love(d) you. And it’s not that I didn’t. I couldn’t. And now that I can, you don’t care.
I have so much to say, and no one to say it to.
Filed under: Honestly
I’m neurotic. I’m obsessive. I’m possessive. I check out girls more than I check out guys. I have an unhealthy addiction to cucumbers, celery, and spinach leaves. I cancel out that I quit drinking soda by drinking coffee. I really want to quit smoking but I am afraid of giving up a distracting habit. I can’t stand people with bad grammar. I am the epitome of daddy’s little girl. I admire and fear my brother. It takes me far too long to fall in and out of love. I eat the crust on my grilled cheese sandwiches before eating the middle. I’m violently insecure 75% of the time. I don’t like my breasts. I have a hard time maintaining friendships. I’m afraid to grow up. Based on the music I love, I think I’m probably an emo kid. I don’t do drugs because I’m fucked up enough as it is. I want to get a tattoo of a phoenix because it has very profound meaning to me. I have conquered my temper. I honestly believe that my ex-boyfriend is the most attractive guy I have ever met. I don’t like that girls can’t just be honest about the manipulative, shitty things that they do. I only pick at two fingernails on each hand. I’m a masochist. I’m pretty sure my armpits smell right now, and when I sweat, I sweat like a boy (it’s gross). I like to work for the things I have, but a freebie here and there would be nice. Autumn is my favorite season, and I rarely ever call it Fall. I wish I would have played more paintball when I had the chance, because I love it. I get bruises for no reason and then wonder where the hell they came from. My right butt cheek is deformed because I fell down on a stair. I have a weakness for baby animals, particularly puppies (the way they smell, and they’re all cuddly, and the tiny, heart-wrenching noises they make…). When I grow up, I’m going to buy a miniature wiener dog and love him (or her) forever. If I ever have children, I want boys. I’m convinced that I’m probably going to be alone forever, because I’m crazy. I haven’t let go of my past, and I probably need to. I have pretty small feet. I stumble a lot and have terrible balance. I have a tendency to be very shallow and often aim out of my league. I have never been on an airplane, and I’m not sure I ever will be. I’m a tightwad until it comes to spending on other people. I am stupidly attracted to accents, particularly British and Australian. I like to give high fives. Driving through huge puddles makes me incredibly happy. I am particularly fond of hugs. I love and hate that music has the power to transport. I’m scared of basically everything, but mostly the dark and losing the people I love the most. I would rather be cold than hot, because it’s easier (and more fun, usually) to warm up than it is to cool down. I didn’t have much of a (or at least a very good) childhood, but I remember playing Legos, Barbies, and baseball with my brother, and that gets me past all the terrible things that happened. I really like Guy Ritchie movies. I often care far too much about people, even if they’re strangers. It really irritates me when my socks start to come off while I’m walking. I make a lot of to-do lists and then pretty much forget about them. Even though I’m bad at them, I love video games. I’m a pretty terrible person for saying this, but people who are bigger (as in…more overweight) than me make me feel better about myself (hey, I’m in college, do you know how many tiny bitches there are running around in basically glorified underwear?). I’m not particularly ticklish. I love to be kissed on the forehead and the neck. I love that I have red hair and an ungodly amount of freckles (which multiply in sunlight). My reality is transcended by a breathtaking sunset. I don’t deal very well with loneliness. I would rather work on a project by myself than with a group. I have very small ears. I really enjoy when my arms/shoulders/back are well-defined (in terms of muscle). Uggs really, really piss me off, and I’m not entirely sure why. Sometimes I wish I could play an instrument, or draw or write or paint really well, because I don’t have a creative outlet and that would be nice. People have a tendency to mean more to me than I mean to them. I used to believe that a friendship wasn’t real unless you could comfortably talk about poop with each other. Of all the people I’ve been intimate with, only one has brought me to orgasm. I am “in love” with Gerard Butler, mostly because he’s attractive AND can sing. Morbid, but sometimes I wonder how many people would really care if I died. So, I said I’m insecure, but somehow I still manage to feel that I’m “better” than people (certain people, certain situations). Most of the time, I feel I should have been born a male. I want to break stereotypes. I try very hard to be tolerant of everyone and their beliefs. I often feel that there is an incredible amount of beauty in the world that is stifled and/or overlooked. I’m not good at sharing, even if the object in question doesn’t actually belong to me. I’m not photogenic at all. At several points in my life, I may have suffered from an eating disorder. Because I was in a relationship for so long, I’ve pretty much lost all ability to “understand” the opposite sex. It has to be blatantly obvious in order for me to tell if someone is even flirting with me. And then I’m still confused about it. Sometimes I like crying really really hard before bed because it helps me sleep. I have at least three notebooks that are almost entirely full. I don’t like marijuana, but I don’t understand why it’s not legal. I fall asleep in the fetal position, and wake up on my back or my stomach, though I can’t fall asleep in either of those positions. I tend to irritate myself with how organized I try/tend to be. I get taken advantage of a lot, and I suppose I allow that to happen because it makes me feel important, if only briefly. I refuse to eat boiled hot dogs, but I eat them raw sometimes. I’m honestly not a huge fan of bread. I would be completely happy if I could watch movies all the time. I envy people in relationships. When I was little, I had a thin white sweatshirt with zebra stripes on it, and it was my absolutely favorite shirt ever. I still have my blankey from when I was little, and the corners are frayed and disgusting because I used to suck on them. I don’t understand or know a lot of things that I should. I try to tell myself that everyone I meet has problems too, and no one is perfect or perfectly happy. I love holding hands or hooking pinkies. I usually check to make sure there’s no one in the shower before I go to the bathroom. I desperately want well-toned abs. I love/hate the gap between my two front teeth. Sometimes I pee with the bathroom door open, but it’s often somewhat odd to me when other people do it. I love post-coitus cuddling. I am often distracted by completely irrelevant things. The clothes in my closet are organized according to sleeve length. I’m kind of afraid I’m not going to graduate college, and I really, really just want to be done. When shopping, if I take something off the shelf, I generally pull the next one forward. I’ve worked retail before, facing the shelves sucks. I also put things back where I got them if I decide I don’t want them (usually). I like to dance like I’m having a seizure, particularly when in vehicles (not driving, of course. Well, sometimes). I’m not entirely sure whether or not I believe in karma, but I do think that in some respects, certain things will catch up to you. I think that in most cases, everyone deserves a second chance. We all make mistakes and I think we should get the opportunity to prove if we’ve learned from them. I love hugs from behind. I still talk to people I went to elementary school with. I probably won’t eat anything with onions in it, even if I can’t taste them. I’ve recently discovered that pepper is a pretty tasty spice. Is it a spice? I don’t really like ice cream that much. I tend to eat M&Ms and Skittles according to color. I love to drive to take my mind off things. But we’re talking like, off the beaten path, because other people tend to drive like idiots, and that upsets me. The first time my ex told me he loved me, he was drunk. That’s happened more times than I like to admit; I think it may say something about me. I want to live my live as best I can. I want to have made a difference in at least one person’s life. If I can do those things, I can honestly say I’d die happy. I probably would never wear underwear if I didn’t have to. The commodity of good manners is common courtesy and don’t cost a thing. The people I care most about are also the ones who have cut me the deepest, and caused me the most pain. I like to use big words. Not to be pretentious or condescending, but because I find comfort in them, and in accurately conveying what I’m attempting to articulate. I self-deprecate far too often.
I will never allow someone else to define me, or say what limit there is to what I am capable of.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit, Yays!
I’m suspended in some sort of etherial cloud.
I am cognizant of my emotions, but some of them are not within my control. For example, the guilt and disgust I feel about the things I have done plague me, but I choose to ignore them. The feelings I still struggle with toward He, however, are not so controllable. I can prevent feelings that arise from the initial feelings, but the root of them are permanent. It’s frustrating, because I’m trying to just be positive and move on. Even though I still don’t want to.
It’s only been five days, and already I’m starting to feel better. My resolve is unshaken. I’m eagerly anticipating becoming the person I want to be rather than the person I was becoming. There are certain things I want that would make the process easier, but I suppose learning to deal without them is helpful in its own way as well. I miss He terribly. It happens mostly at night, and its frustrating. But I swallow it, because what else is there to do? I need to leave him alone and let him live his life. He doesn’t need me.
For now, I suppose, that is all.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
To the few of you that have proven to me the things I have doubted, thank you.
I finally have experienced the painful and difficult realization that my behavior has got to stop. There are serious and terrifying consequences to what I have been doing, and I should avoid them rather than just hope for the best. I’m going to stop drinking and partying so much. And if I do happen to partake in either, I’m going to make sure it’s not in an environment that can get out of control. I don’t know what the hell I have been thinking, and I’m not sure that the way I have been feeling is a valid enough reason for the endeavors I have participated in. I used to pride myself on the fact that I hadn’t had sex with many people. Now I look back on the last couple of months and feel complete disgust and disappointment at what I’ve allowed myself to become. I have said it before, and this time I am going to prove it. That is not the girl I am, nor is it the girl I want to be. My rapid transformation into that girl is coming to and end. Now.
I don’t know how it happened, but I feel less pressure. I still have intense and overpowering feelings for He, but they’re not running my life. I can have a conversation with him without breaking down. Granted, I still want to; it eats at the back of my brain, but I don’t do it. I can control myself. A part of me is really happy about that, because I think that is going to enable me to do better in regards to healing. Another part isn’t so sure it’s what I really want to do. But at this point, what choice do I have? I love someone I cannot have, that does not want me, and the only thing to do is move past it, I suppose. Some shit about better to have loved and lost…
I am seriously resolute this time. I keep destroying myself because of the things I’ve been doing, and yet I continue to do them. I’m done. I’m tired of feeling the ways that I feel, I’m tired of putting myself in situations I deplore, I’m tired of all of it. And I keep doing it to myself. So why not just stop? It’s been brought to my attention that perhaps I need support. I’ve been yearning for that. I am inclined to think I need to do it by myself, to show myself that I don’t need someone else, that I can do it on my own, that I’m self-sustaining. But at the same time, I do see how having people who are cheering me on is only going to make the process easier. You know, positive reinforcement.
He is my best friend. It’s complicated, it’s messy, there’s still a lot of loose ends. But I appreciate his friendship, and I’m trying to limit it to just that. I very much want to keep him in my life. We’ll see how it goes.
quarterlife has touched me very deeply by proving to me that some people really do give a fuck, no matter what. It’s been shown to me before, but it is indescribably moving to me coming from her, especially considering all the bullshit we’ve gone through.
Again, to these few people, especially the two mentioned: thank you. I’m not going to let you down this time.
I’m not going to let me down.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit, Why why why?
I’ve really got to learn to stop.
It’s a downward spiral, and I don’t have anyone to pull me out of it, so I have to just work like hell to help myself. It’s incredibly hard, frustrating, and often unsuccessful. I’m tired of regressing back after I start doing so well. I think I’m almost out and then I get sucked in even deeper.
I’m just tired of this shit. I’m tired of feeling worthless or meaningless. I’m tired of being afraid.
Someone punch me in the face, and tell me that I’m an idiot. I can’t even learn from my mistakes, as I keep making the same ones over and over and over again.
I’m sure it will all be okay.
The question is when?
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, SEXXX, Why why why?
What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Doing.
I need to knock this shit off, and pronto.
Apparently, I don’t have the willpower I seem to think I have. God. Damn it.
This is coming to an end. I need to stop drinking, period.
I have better things to do.
I braved the bar solo last night. And several magical things happened. And I mean magical.
Firstly, Guapo insisted I sit at the bar so that I could “make friends” or be social or something, and that ended up pretty well. I did both.
Then, when it came time to go home (actually, once it was way past time to go home), Guapo wouldn’t take no for an answer, and walked me home, even though it was completely out of his way. And then he proceeded to be a complete gentleman. Many things could have happened last night, but they didn’t, because he’s pretty fucking amazing.
I’m being vague on details, and I’m sorry. But it’s been a while since I’ve run into a guy that can control himself as well as Guapo did. I think that’s pretty magical.
I’ve got more, but I have shit to do today, and I’ve already thrown too much of it away.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not entirely sure how I feel, or what I’m doing, or what I’m supposed to feel, or what I’m supposed to be doing, but I am resolute.
Thing have to change, at very least. I’ve gotten a handle on my uncharacteristic behaviors, with few slip-ups, and I intend to keep improving in that respect. I’m tired of having to torture myself the next day for actions that were ill-thought out or too quickly adhered to. It’s not so much what I’m doing, but why I’m doing it. So, I suppose, it’s actually both. Either way, I’m too exhausted to do it to myself anymore. I have far too much going on as it is, and I don’t need to focus my energy on how stupid I’ve been. I need to just knock it off. Developing self-esteem and self-respect should not be as difficult as I seem to be making it, nor should it happen in the ways I am endeavoring to achieve it. I believe that I can be happy without placating myself with a false sense of validation from temporary physical benefits. What I want cannot be substituted, and I need to make sure I remember that before I take my pants off, or whatever.
What I really need to do is buckle down and focus on school. It, on top of everything else going on in my life, is kicking my ass, and the apathy I feel toward it is not conducive to my success. It’s tricky for me, because I’m attempting to build myself a social network to inhibit the lonliness that consumes me, but that shouldn’t take away from the time I devote to school. And it does. So, apparently I need to work on that as well.
The frustrating part is that there is so much that needs to be done, and I am fully aware of it, and willing to do it, but I am so exhausted from having not done it that all I really want is to do nothing. Just lay in bed and sleep it all away. Because in bed, everything somehow seems better, minus the empty space next to me. Lonliness is like a violent rapist. There is no real struggle, because it just overpowers you. The more you attempt to struggle, or fight it off, the more it seems to enjoy violating you. The worse it gets. I’ve kind of taken to just laying there and letting it happen. Just get it over with. The real trouble comes from what results, the heaviness. I feel pregnant with the seed, the burden of lonliness. Abort, abort.
That is all, for now. I ache with the need to purge, but I need to find the words.
Maybe I’ve changed my mind.
My brother just kind of kicked my ass. I needed that.
I am better and stronger than this.
I’m not going to allow myself to be used and/or taken advantage of anymore.
Filed under: Fuck
I want to rip my heart out of my chest.
I’m done.
I don’t need it.
Fuck this.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Well shit
Filed under: Fuck
I’m discontent, and I’m tired of it.
I am doing better, but I’m not doing good, and that’s frustrating.
The situation with He is frustrating.
The new drama with Other is frustrating.
I have a problem with He and Other, but it’s stupid, and I can readily admit that. I don’t need drama and bullshit in my life, and neither do they, so I wish we could all just handle it like adults. I wish she would just realize that she’s already won, and there’s nothing for her to take issue with…ever. You won, okay? It’s really hard for me to stomach, but I don’t have a choice, and I don’t hold it against anyone but myself. So I don’t deal with it wonderfully all the time. I lost the man I love and my best friend, and I don’t always know how to take that while maintaining my composure.
It’s not an easy path I’m on. That’s all I’m saying.
It’s not a competition. So why am I competing? It’s not a fight. So what am I fighting for?
Ugh.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
Today may have been a breakthrough. Or tonight, rather.
I didn’t show my breasts to anyone. I didn’t have sex with anyone. I kissed a friend, but that is all. That is the extent of it. And I explained to him why I didn’t necessarily want to just be friends with benefits.
I’m progressing.
I feel good. That is all I want to say at the moment, because I need to go to bed. Now.
P.S. Nipping out really hard (as in it being REALLY fucking cold outside) is painful and slightly arousing.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
It’s a strange situation, really.
I’m fine so long as I’m not thinking about it.
And then I’m alone, and the world comes crashing down, and I’m sick to my stomach, and I can’t handle anything, and I want to freak out or punch someone or rip my hair out.
This is the dumbest bullshit I have ever dealt with. EVER.
And then I take it out on He, just because I blame him for how I feel, which is also dumb, but I can’t help it, because I’m so fucking bitter about the fact that I can’t make him love me. I want to do something huge, something epic, something amazing that will show him how important this is to me, how badly I want him, how different I am and it could be. But I feel like even if I walked through fire, it wouldn’t be enough. Nothing I do is going to be enough, and I don’t know how to deal with that. There’s a lot of complicated shit that goes with that, and I just…ugh. I can’t handle it.
Fuck my life. I’m doing okay, though. That’s good.
I think I’ve got roughly three guys “interested” in me, and that’s…difficult. I’ve been doing fairly well with staving off using them, though, and that’s good. I hang out with them, because they’re cool guys, but I’m not going to allow myself to give in to their interests purely so that I can feel better about how desperately unwanted and worthless I feel. Just because I ache to be wanted, loved, whatever, doesn’t mean I’m going to take advantage, regardless of what their motives are or how pure their intentions are. It’s just not something I want to do. Ever.
I’m tired of making everyone else miserable.
Moving on to step two.
Oh, and also, my phone isn’t here yet, and if it doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to fucking RAGE. Because I have to go to Verizon to get the service switched over, and if I don’t get there before they close…oh my god. So grumpy.
Filed under: Fuck
I want to throw up.
Seriously, my stomach just did some sort of flip-flop writhing contortion, and I want to puke.
Or I want to hurt someone. Certain someone. A lot. A lot a lot.
I’m so sick of this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Meh, Oh NOES, Well shit
I made a small breakthrough last night!
I didn’t make out with anyone. I didn’t do anything sexual. I did show one person my goodies, but that’s better than showing everyone, which it seems like I’ve been doing. So there’s that.
I’m feeling okay about things lately. I don’t know if it’s because I found a friend, or because I’m coming to some sort of piece with my hope, or because I’m tired of fucking myself over…but I’m feeling okay. It’s pretty nice.
I’m thinking it will all be okay.
And then I remember why I’m going home this weekend. FML.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Inspired, My heart hurts, Well shit, Yays!
Today was a good day.
Aside from feeling like shit about what I’ve been doing.
Which I’m not doing anymore. Day one: success.
I even got quite a bit accomplished in terms of homework. So, I’m pretty content with that.
There was a little rough spot, but it was just a twinge of sadness in response to the email from He’s mom. It’s nice to talk to her. She’s a little crazy, but I love her, and I miss her a lot. I miss all of it a lot. So, that was a hill to get over, but I did.
I’m looking into counceling. Thinking maybe I’ll find some time to make myself better. I’m not going to get over He, and I’m not sure that’s the goal I need to set. I think I need to concentrate on fucking taking care of myself before I set any epic goals. I’m getting this shit figured out. Day one, but I’m making progress. Baby steps.
The first step to getting over a problem is admitting you have one. Uh, epic check.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I could use more nothing in my life.
That’s an oxy-moron, but I mean it.
There’s too much…stuff. My life is a cluttered room, and I barely have space to walk, let alone breathe, or think, or feel.
The lonely is what drives me, and I’m aware of that. Why I let it get so out of control is something I’m not aware of. And it needs to stop. The temporary benefits aren’t outweighing the long-term effects.
I need closure.
I need definite answers.
I feel like I’m wandering around in the dark, blindly feeling around in front of myself. And I can’t find my way. I keep running into brick walls. He is my brick wall. I’ve tried to climb over. It’s too high. I’ve tried to go around. It’s too infinite. I’ve tried to go straight through. It’s too hard, too thick. I keep thinking I can do this, but at the same time, I don’t know if I can, or if I want to.
Have you ever watched a movie, or a TV show that ended happily, but you still felt something inside of you had broken? Have you ever watched a happy ending but felt so utterly depressed that it followed you around for a while? That’s how I feel. I don’t know if things happen for a reason. I don’t know if there is such a thing as karma, or fate, or whatever. What I do know is that I cannot do this anymore. I know that even though it kills me, and even though it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced, I have the strength to endure. I think that having made one of the hugest mistakes of my life doesn’t justify the reckless mistakes I have been making. I don’t think I will find the validation I seem to be seeking on the lips of a random hookup. I’m not going to find it between the sheets of someone’s bed, or in the friction between skin. I think all I am doing is causing myself more pain. And I should be smarter than that. I am smarter than that. I’m better than that.
I don’t know if He and me were supposed to last. I don’t know if it is really my fault that we are no longer together, or if it is by some strange coincidence where the timing made it appear that way. I do not know if it would have been different had I been different. I don’t know if he ever really loved me as much as I love(d) him. And I don’t know if any of it really matters. I don’t know if any of it ever did.
I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. So lonely. So lost. So confused. So scared.
And all I can do, what I have to start doing, is tell myself that it’s going to get better. It has to get better.
I can’t allow myself to believe that I’m going to feel like this forever.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I need to knock it the fuck off.
What the fuck am I doing to myself?
I don’t know if it’s alcohol, or just my blatant disregard for myself due to a lack of self-respect, but I am doing things that aren’t characteristic of me. Again. Granted, some part of me does want to do them, hence why I do, but I don’t think that they are things that are conducive to my getting better. I’m okay, I think, for the most part. And then…and then I do something that makes me feel cheap and disgusting the next morning, and I’m sick to my stomach with guilt, and I’m not sure why I feel guilty at all. Because I know it’s wrong? Because I know I probably shouldn’t have done it, and whatever reason I have FOR doing it isn’t good enough? “Because I wanted to” isn’t a good enough reason for me. It is, but it’s not.
I feel like I’ve lost my fucking mind, and that’s the hard part. I’m on a quick road to destruction, and I need to grab the wheel and pull a sharp U-turn. And I recognize that, but don’t seem to be able to do it just yet. I feel like I should withdraw from the world, because my participation in it is doing me more harm than good at this point.
It’s time, for real-real, to get my shit in order.
It starts today.
Filed under: Uncategorized
I will reiterate: I am really, really sick of this up and down bullshit.
All it’s serving to do is turn my stomach, and I feel the need to vomit.
It’s making me sick.
I’m either okay or I’m not, you know? I’m tired of feeling fine one day, and the next, I feel like I’m going to die if something doesn’t improve.
I will expand on this when it’s not three in the fucking morning.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I think I’ve finally reached the breaking point.
It has all culminated into one brilliant, disgusting moment, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with myself. And I don’t really know how to go about cleaning up the mess I’ve become, or the messes I’ve made.
I need to stop. Just…stop, period. I do things that make me look back and cringe. I behave in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of me, just because I can. I’ve gotten far too out of control. And it’s time to rein myself in. I don’t like the way things are going, and thus, and I have to do something about it.
The image that keeps coming into my head is that I’ve been fighting against a whirlpool. It had been pulling at me, harder and harder, and I had been swimming against it, exhausted, trying to keep myself out of it, every stroke draining me. And it just seems like I either finally lost the battle, or I just gave in, and now I’m swirling down, down, down, and if I don’t do something, I’m going to drown.
At what point am I going to start taking my own advice?
Too many unanswered questions, kids. That’s my problem.
How the fuck do I get over He when part of me wants to hold out?
And should I really hold out when there’s no guarantee?
Ugh. I’m going to do some homework now. I’m sure I’ll post again later.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Sometimes I feel like my best option is to withdraw from myself. Lonliness has become my closest and most endearing friend, and I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s one of those friendships that you don’t particularly enjoy, but you can’t really bring yourself to get out of, because no matter where you go or what you do, that friend is there, tagging along. You don’t really like this friend, but at least you have one, and you’re afraid to give that up. Lonliness is bullying me, but I don’t have the balls to stand up to it.
Something happened tonight that knocked the air out of me. I sort of saw it coming, but I guess I didn’t believe myself. I don’t think the situation is quite as bad as I am allowing myself to feel about it, but it’s still pretty shitty, and I don’t want to have to deal with the emotional repercussions. I know that I made a lot of mistakes over the summer. But I don’t believe that I am the kind of person that will do things simply for emotional or physical gratification, nor am I the type of girl that appreciates being called just for sex. He didn’t get what he wanted, but I am still left feeling cheap and disgusted with myself. How do I enable myself to get into these situations?
I feel like life keeps dealing me a really shitty hand. I know I bitch a lot, but come on, really? I’m down to play the game, I’d just really like to win every now and then, you know?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
I feel like I’ve come to some sort of stand-still in my life. I’ve been so caught up in the whirlwind, and now I’m standing completely still, the world whooshing around me, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve gotten this far, but what’s next? Where do I go from here? I’m not sure I want to rejoin that hectic, chaotic movement. I can breathe in my stasis. That’s the thing about standing still, though. I’m doing it alone. So as nice as it is to breathe, it’s like inhaling a slow poison. I can enjoy it right now, but eventually, it’s going to kill me.
I’m terrified that I have taught myself to be ingenuine. I feel very unhappy most of the time, but I can put on a happy face and act completely normal, even when I want to break down. The only person that it doesn’t happen with is He, and I hate that. I’m wasting my time. I’m wasting my energy. I’m wasting my feelings. It really feels like high school all over again, where I find myself completely in love with someone that barely notices me. That’s kind of a harsh way to represent the situation, but that’s the meat of it. I guess I’m just tired of being…defective. It’s like I’m some sort of fucked up Midas, except rather than gold, everything I touch turns to shit. And I shouldn’t feel this way, because I’m not the same. Even my friends have told me that I’m vastly different now than I was even 6 months ago. And I am. I am. I know I am. Why is it that the one person I want to see that, doesn’t?
I’m exhausted. I want one good day. One whole day that is so good that I don’t even have time to think about being down about anything. I do my best to make that happen, but I guess there’s only so much I can do. There’s only so much I can avoid thinking about. And there’s only so much supression I can handle.
I am what I am. I am flawed, I am stubborn, I am absurd.
I still deserve to be happy.
I still deserve to be loved.
I think I deserve a chance.
Just when you think things can’t get worse, they do.
I was already having a pretty difficult day, as most have been for the past few months. Boyz texted me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk, and I figured hell, why not. So we go for a walk, and we both realize that we’re pretty fucking discontent, depressed, used up, what have you. I express to her that I just want to watch a movie. I want to engross myself in something other than my own misery for a change. So we walk to her apartment and watch a movie, and that’s all fine and good minus the excrutiating lonliness it unleashes in me, and when I get back to my room, I get on the computer and the first thing that happens is a friend facebook messages me.
A girl I went to high school and was semi-close with killed herself over the weekend. At first I thought it was a joke. When her sister messages me and says oh hey, you knew her, right, well, she died this weekend…I ask her if she’s kidding.
She’s not.
Something forced its way into my chest and wrapped itself around my heart and is squeezing. There was already a lot of pressure there, and the thing is about to burst. If it’s not the shit going on with He, it’s my friends dying young. She was 20 fucking years old. She was going back to school. She was getting her shit in order. Why? Why the hell do things like this happen?
On top of the sadness I feel at her departure, I’m scared. It is a fucking reality check. Why?
Two nights ago I sat in front of this very screen, razor blade in hand. I pressed it against my arm. I held it there. I thought about it. I spent about half an hour staring at the two, at the flesh pressing up around the blade. And I wanted to do it. I thought about doing it. I needed to do it. I let up the pressure and dragged it slowly across my arm, not drawing blood, but giving myself an idea – a memory – of what it felt like. All I could think about was how heavy I was, how exhausted, how I didn’t want to carry it all around anymore. I just wanted to purge. I wanted to get it out. I was in fucking high school again and I just needed some way to make the pain cease, if only briefly.
I don’t want to end up dead just because I’m sad.
I don’t…I…I can’t even do this.
Monica, you will be missed. You were a wonderful person. Like the rest of us, you had your problems. You had your faults, your hardships, and your hangups, but you deserved to be happy. I hope that you have found that happiness and that you can bask in it forever. I love you.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m having some.
I’m not sure I want to be friends with He. I mean, I know I do, but I don’t think it’s working out for me at this point. I’m at serious unease. Sometimes, I feel perfectly fine about things. But that’s in certain situations. The majority of the time, I’m kind of sick to my stomach. I’m annoyed. The entire thing is trying my patience, and I don’t really know how much more and I can endure. I think I’m subjecting myself to things that aren’t helping me in any way.
He’s fucking using me.
That’s my radtastic fucking epiphany for the day. Pretty stoked about it.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
I heard that you’ve been asking ’bout me,
least that’s the word out on the street.
I just don’t know what to believe.
Why was I dumb enough to leave?
I saw you with him today.
The boy who took my place.
You seemed so much happier with me,
Or maybe that’s just the way I wanted it to be.
But it’s just another one of those days
The way you made it feel so right
The way you fit into my arms at night
I’ll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.
But it’s just another one of those days.
Can’t help but feel a little upset,
about the things you and I never had.
I had the world but instead I threw it all away.
Now it’s just another one of those days.
So tell me what happens next.
It’s out of my hands I guess.
I just don’t know what to believe.
Why don’t you tell me to believe?
Why did you let me leave?
It’s not the way its gotta be.
What’s wrong with me?
Why don’t you tell me to believe?
Why did you let me leave?
It’s not the way this has to be.
But it’s just another one of those days
The way you made it all feel so right
The way you fit into my arms tonight.
I’ll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.
But it’s just another one of those days.
You can’t help but be a little upset,
About the things you and I never had.
I had the world but instead I threw it all away.
Now it’s just another one of those days.
Filed under: Uncategorized
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, WTF?
I’m in love with my ex-boyfriend.
Someone teach me to get over it.
I can’t bear the thought of her near him.
My stomach turns. It shouldn’t, but it does.
How do I let go?
Someone, please. Tell me.
Help me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Why why why?
I don’t think I really like where I’m at right now.
And that in itself is a problem, because I don’t know where the fuck I am.
My best friend is my ex-boyfriend, and I loathe him as much as I love him.
I don’t know what to do about the situation, because no matter what, I find myself repressing a whole lot of emotion. Just talking to him is a conundrum because it makes me feel better, but it brings about a whole lot of things that make me worse. It’s like cough syrup. You know it’s going to make you feel better, but you still choke and want to vomit. I don’t have any idea how to get around it all, and I’m tired of it being a clusterfuck. And it only is for me, and that’s what infuriates me even more. I feel so incredibly stupid, because I know my heart is directing me one way, the wrong way, and I’m trying to follow. It’s pure idiocy. I want to punch myself in the face.
Oh – random: I’ve realized that there is so much bitter resentment built up about it that I haven’t dealt with that I’m going to explode. I don’t know when, I don’t know on whom, but I know it’s going to happen. I can feel the lid of the pot starting to rattle under the pressure of the boiling. I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t care how I am or am not supposed to feel, it’s fucked up.
I’m having a really difficult time convincing myself that he’s not still mine, which is so fucking stupid I can’t even comprehend it. I get jealous and possessive and a whole laundry list of stupid things that I have no right (and absolutely no fucking reason) to feel. It shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t be like this.
I just miss him so damned much. In every way. And it’s killing me, because I think I’m stuck in some sort of false reality, and it is not serving me well. Not at all.
I’d like to shoot myself in the face.
Filed under: Fuck
No matter what I do, I feel guilty.
In the back of my head, He’s there, and I can’t get him out.
He’s not my boyfriend anymore! He’s happy about that, and I’m not, but I know that he is, so why do I subject myself to feeling the way I feel all the time?
Guh. I can’t do this right now.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
I’m quickly tiring of the rollercoaster. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m growing weary of the ups and downs.
One night I’m so desperately miserable that I have mutliple panic attacks and can barely keep my eyes open due to the amount of crying I’m doing. The next night, I feel fine. What is this?
Maybe it’s just because I distract myself with schoolwork. Or maybe I just tell myself that because on some level, I’m afraid that maybe I am starting to get over it and I’m not sure I’m ready/willing to.
Truth? I have no fucking idea what’s going on. And I might be okay with that.
Maybe.
