Never mind the blood; dig deeper.

I don’t have the energy or the creativity to come up with a good title for this post.

I feel sick to my stomach, and I don’t know if it’s some sort of hangover or if it’s guilt. I feel incredibly guilty, even though, in all technicality, I didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe it’s because some part of me did want to do something wrong. Badly.

But I didn’t and that’s what’s important. I even called BF He and told him about what happened last night. And I just feel shitty about all of it. I’m not necessarily unhappy that it happened, I just…ugh. I’m tired of drama and bullshit and me having to feel like a giant asshole about everything I do when I drink. I have a boyfriend. I love him with every ounce of my being (as much as I complain or get incredibly pessimistic about our relationship). I cheated on him once, and I’m not going to do it again. I’ve been in several situations where the opportunity was presented, and I haven’t done it. Even if I’ve wanted to. But it’s awkward when it’s one of BF’s He’s friends. I’ve never actually liked Spooner all that much, because he always came off as a dick. But last night was different. I don’t have feelings for him, but I appreciate what happened last night if not only because I feel like I made a friend. However, I still feel guilty.

I worry that I’ve somehow let quarterlife down. I don’t think I’m nearly as much as she thought I would be, and I feel like she doesn’t like me nearly as much as she thought she did. I feel like I need to brace myself for the inevitable.

I am not content with how I feel right now. At all.