Never mind the blood; dig deeper.

I slept very well/very poorly last night. I had bizarre dreams about Spooner, and the longer I am awake, the more they dissipate from my memory. I remember waking up at some point in the throes of such agony that I almost punched myself in the face. What the hell is going on with me? At several intervals during the night I woke up sprawled across the entirety of my bed, which never happens. I usually sleep on maybe one third of my bed, in the same position(s). When I woke up this morning, I was twisted up in my blanket laying on an angle so I was in the middle of the bed. I was sweaty and felt like I needed to vomit.

The pressure is building. I told Poser last night that I literally felt like I was going to explode. The feeling is stronger today, and I don’t know what’s going on. I cannot identify one real emotion that I am feeling. At this point, I really just want to bash my head into a wall repeatedly until my skull caves in and my brain is spattered everywhere. Something (I have no idea what) needs to happen, and it needs to happen soon. I’m not entirely sure how much longer I can tolerate the things that are happening to me. I have absolutely no control over anything in my life, it seems, and I’m losing my mind. I can’t handle not controlling at least my external environment; my innards have always been so chaotic and uncontrollable that I have always compensated by knowing exactly what’s going on outside of me and by keeping everything in order. That capability seems to be slipping away from me, and in turn, I am slowly slipping away as well.

Why do I always fuck things up? Goddamn it. I am stagnant, and it is repulsive.