Never mind the blood; dig deeper.

My dad poked his head into my room and asked me how I was doing. I told him to come in and sit down. When he did this, I immediately hugged him and the tears came. I bawled like a little girl to my daddy and he let me. He also said a lot of things that really bothered me, but I suppose maybe on some subconscious level I agree with him. But I got some of it out. I finally broke down just a little, and for at least one brief shining moment, I felt incredibly relieved. Now I just have to work on living my life instead of neglecting it.

I spent two and a half years in a relationship with a truly remarkable human being. I experienced many firsts with him, and a part of me will always be his. I will always love him. But I have to move on. I have to let go. As much as it terrifies me and as much as it hurts, I can’t spend the rest of my life wallowing in self-pity and wishing that loving him was enough. This isn’t the first time my heart has been wounded, and it won’t be the last. So why have I been acting like such a child, throwing a fit because it didn’t go the way I wanted it to? It’s going to be a difficult process, but I’m ready to take back the girl I used to be. The strong, independent, rough-and-tumble girl that doesn’t take shit from anyone. I’m ready to be fearless again. I liked that girl.

As for Spooner, well, shit. My brain has taken quite a few joy rides and I’ve caused a lot more bullshit in my own mind than completely necessary. And for some reason, he’s put up with it. Which is awesome. What it comes down to in the long run is that depsite all the ricockulous shit my mind tries to convince me of, all I really want is to be his friend. I want to hang out with him and not get stupidly drunk and make an ass of myself. I just want to go play some Rock Band, really. And, you know, if the situation arises, I wouldn’t be totally opposed to making out with him. But whatever. Poser says I should just have sex with him and get it out of the way, and I laughed because I had that thought the other day. I think it might be a pretty bad plan. Regardless, I’m ready to stop being a fucking psycho, because all I’m doing is making things much more difficult for myself. And that’s not helping my friendships.

So. I’m going to grow up now.