Never mind the blood; dig deeper.

Today started out well enough for me, and then progressed rapidly into something far less than mediocre.

For some unexplainable reason, work slowly but surely began to fill me with more and more rage. I guess it began when ShitTits left early, and I went to check her timecard to make sure she didn’t fucking lie and say she was there for longer than she was. The bitch hides her fucking timecard, but thanks to my coworker, I found it. Not only did she lie about today, she has the thing filled out for the rest of the week, giving her a solid 70.5 hours that SHE DIDN’T WORK. This made me goddamned furious. Not only does she treat me like shit for no reason (I’m assuming [take this as arrogance if you want, that's not what it is] jealousy), but she’s fucking our boss out of money she’s not actually earning. Despite how incredibly shitty it made me feel to do so, I showed my boss when he came in. He didn’t say anything. But I feel like he should know. He’s too good of a guy for me to be okay with someone fucking him like that. After that (which still grinds on my every last nerve), customers started to piss me off. Naturally, working in a customer service environment, I put on my “people” facade, and I try to be nice and personable and whatnot to everyone. But it’s the little things that really get to me. When I hold out my hand and they throw their fucking change on the counter. When I say “good morning” and they look at me like I just slapped them. Or, the fucking best one: when they come in to prepay and proceed to tell me that they’re going to stop coming to our station beacuse, and I quote, “This prepay stuff is BULLSHIT.” I hate being held accountable for shit that isn’t my responsibility. I bust my ass day in and day out cleaning up after and taking care of people, and all they can do is fucking yell at me for having to walk ten fucking feet into the store to give me money for gas. GOD.

Going from violently pissed to very calm too quickly is like leaping into a hole and meeting the bottom much sooner than expected. It’s breaking both legs and feeling completely powerless and stupid. And yet I’m still bitter as hell. And I still want to hit someone or something so hard that it hurts me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and collapse beneath the weight of how enraged I feel. And yet I also question whether or not how I feel is valid or justifiable. I have a tendency to automatically default to rage rather than walking myself through what it is that I really feel. But lately, it just seems like I’m fucking eating up all the bullshit in order to live up to some false pretenses about avoiding drama and being happy. And I think today was the breaking point, because I had to sit on my bed and stare at my bedroom floor, so livid that I was bawling, and think about everything in order to calm down. And it was nearly impossible. I just wanted to freak out; to hit something or break something or make someone feel pain. There is so much bitterness and hatred inside of me, and that frightens me.

Also, He called me today. He doesn’t want to not talk to me, and he’s not doing terribly well. However, I do feel that perhaps today’s conversation was one of if not the best we’ve had since the breakup. I said a lot of things I had been keeping myself from saying, and it felt good to get them off my chest and out in the open. It’s going to take time, but we are going to be good friends. He’s afraid that we won’t, and that’s just silly.
EDIT: Talking to He also fucks me emotionally. It’s difficult and painful, and I don’t know how often I can do it before I lose my goddamned mind.  

And lastly, I am SO FUCKING SICK of money. All I do is spend money. And the nearly 60 dollars I spent on Sunday for something that I otherwise wouldn’t have needed irritates me more than anything, for reasons I can’t really understand. I’m over it, but I’m not, you know? I’m just tired of getting a fucking paycheck and watching it vanish within a few days thanks to bills and responsibilities. I want to get a tattoo. I want to get something for ME. And I don’t even have the money to pay for the things I am obligated to pay for. I crave a certain person and a certain bed so I can fall into oblivion and feel fine just being me.