Never mind the blood; dig deeper.

I no longer think that I think too much. It’s a fucking fact.

I’m tired. I am physically, mentally, and emotionally exhausted. There are so many good things in my life, and all I can do is focus on the incredibly shitty things. The confusing things. The hurtful things. I don’t have the energy to pretend like everything’s going to be okay all the time, because I know that it’s not. I’m tired of fronting like I’m a chipper, happy person, when I’m not. I’m relatively happy, but I’m not going to walk around with a permanent smile plastered on my face simply because people don’t want to deal with anything that isn’t pleasant. I’m so goddamned TIRED.

He has me trapped between a rock and a hard place; the rock being myself and my ideals and the hard place being the goddamned bliss it seems trying things with him again would be. I don’t want to go through it all again, but he’s being so fucking amazing that I’m wondering if I shouldn’t just close my eyes and hold my breath and enjoy the fall before I hit the bottom. I don’t know what the fuck to do anymore, and though he’s lessened the intensity, that boy sure as hell isn’t giving up. I’m not sure he will.

Also, the situation with quarterlife has me so beyond frustrated that I just want to bash my face into a wall. I wish just once we could have a conversation in person where I could explain myself and where she would actually talk to me. I said a lot of mean things about/to her previously, and I was pissed at the time, but there are reasons why those things were said. Being angry simply made them come out in a fashion that situated them in a hostile and hurtful way. I’m just fucking sick of unintentionally and unknowingly fucking up friendships and then having to be the only one who fights for it.

I. Am. Tired.

I’m going to go shower for at least an hour.