Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, Meh, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
I’m not sure what the right phrasing is for what I feel. And I feel it intensely when I’m drunk.
I have a boyfriend that my father LIKES. I mean…LIKES. I dated He for FOUR YEARS and my dad wouldn’t let him stay the night. My dad has had maybe three minutes total of interaction with Mouth, and yet he agreed to let him stay with us for four days. No holds barred. What the fuck?!? I still can’t wrap my head around it. In fact, I can’t wrap my head around the entire situation. How the fuck did this all happen? I feel swept up, and I haven’t regained my balance.
I have had nothing to do since Friday, and I have been drinking entirely too much. But I did, FINALLY, get some money for books, so that’s nice.
I’m happy, and I still don’t know how to deal with it. I kinda like my boyfriend. A lot. And I refuse to think about that and feel bad about it. Which I sometimes do. I’m aware that this came at a cost. But I didn’t make the sacrifice. I just made the choice. And I’m happy. And finally. Because I deserve it.
That is all, for now. I need sleep.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, My heart hurts, PISSED, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I’ve got to get it all out. I’ve got to, and I’m going to. So fuck it, here goes.
First of all, I really, really, really wish that shit wasn’t the way that it was. That said, shit IS the way it is, and I think we all need to learn how to fucking deal with it like grown-ups. Yeah, maybe I’m a huge fucking hypocrite. I can own up to that. But I also realize a few things. First, I handled this situation (because I was basically in the same one) MUCH better, and I shouldn’t be irritated at the things that are happening are happening, but I am fucking IRATE. This is absurd, childish, and completely unnecessary. It’s always awesome to find out who your real fucking friends are. I realize that the situation is shitty. This leads me to my next realization: life goes on. Fucking, seriously. Shit happens. Relationships end, relationships start. People are people, feelings are feelings. If we all played by the fucking rules all the time, everyone would always be miserable.
Aw, fuck this. And fuck monikers. I’m maxed out.
Jeni – I’m sorry, and I told you I’m sorry. I don’t know what else you want from me. I know I broke the “rule,” and I’m sorry that it cost our friendship, but at some point in life, we all have to do what makes us happy. I was pretty fucking tired of being miserable because I was making other people happy instead. An opportunity to be happy was presented, and I wasn’t going to pass it up. I am, sincerely, deeply sorry that I have hurt you. I am sorry that I betrayed your trust and broke your heart, and all the other horrible things you’re feeling. I understand what you’re going through, and that is why I haven’t contacted you or whatever. But let me tell you this: it is vindictive and stupid that some of our mutual friends have turned against me because of the way you feel about the situation. I’ll deal with it, because frankly, it just speaks volumes about the people in my life that I thought were my friends, but I hope you realize that just because this upsets you, and hurts you, does not mean that you have the right to turn people against me. Yes, I talked to you a lot about John and Rachael. I was hurt and devastated at the situation, much like you are now. But I did NOT attempt to get you to dislike either of them. It is completely inane for someone completely uninvolved in the situation to dislike someone in the situation based on how one of them feels. Disagree with what’s happening, sure. But this…this is just fucking unnecessary, and I expected you to be a bigger person. You want to be mad at me? You want to hate me? You want to talk shit? Go for it. But man up and do it to ME. I’m the one you have a problem with. And I’ve told you countless times that I am willing to take it. I have owned up to what I did. I am not proud of it. I am sorry, again, that it came at the cost of our friendship. But I refuse to feel bad for making a choice that meant taking care of me.
Rachael – This is very difficult for me to say, because truthfully, I do still harbor, at least on some level, negative feelings, but I am sorry. I realize now how awful I was, and how you felt that you were doing nothing wrong. It’s an understandable rule, but it’s stupid, and I’m sorry that I was the way that I was about it. I simply feel like addressing you because I am now in the very situation that I put you in, and I just want to express my regret at behaving as I did considering (I suppose) that I now feel like you did. Relationships come to an end, and feelings are feelings, and if you want to fucking be with someone, go for it. That was a very difficult thing to process for me when I was on the shit end of the stick, but now I can see where you were, and I’m…I’m just…sorry. I don’t even really know how to say to you what I want to say to you. I guess I feel horrible that there’s the possibility that I made you feel the way I am being made to feel about choosing to be happy. I don’t know if this makes sense.
John – I extend to you something similar to the apology I offer Rachael. This whole situation has opened my eyes to things I was forcing myself to be blind to, and I am so very sorry that I spent so long condemning you for just wanting to move on and be happy. I get it now. And I would also like to thank you for your patience with me. There is absolutely no reason why you should have tolerated the complete mess that I was, and all the bullshit and drama that I caused. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that the heart wants what the heart wants, and I genuinely mean it when I say that I am glad that you are happy. I wish nothing but the very best for you and Rachael. I don’t know what else to say.
I’m at such a loss right now. When I sat down I was filled with rage and sadness, and I was ready to type up a storm and get it all out. Long story short, I fucking deserve to be happy. I’m sorry if it hurts people. I’m sorry if I have to lose friends in order for it to happen. But I will NOT be miserable because of those things. I am a good person. I make mistakes, but we all do. We are humans. We have vices. We have desires. We sever friendships, we break trusts, we fall in love, we fall out of love. We seek happiness, I believe, above all else, and I don’t think that there is anything wrong with that. I didn’t kill anyone. I didn’t steal, I didn’t lie, I didn’t do anything horrible. I made a choice. Yes, it hurt someone. Yes, I am sorry about that. But it was about goddamned fucking time that I put ME first. Call me selfish. But when it comes down to it, I’m the only person that can make me happy, and I decided to do it. If I end up alone for that, fine. But the way this situation is turning out is simply too absurd, and I don’t need to deal with the drama. Truth be told, NO ONE NEEDS THE DRAMA. Ever. We are emotional beings, but we all need to get a fucking grip. We have brains, too, and (speaking from very recent experience) we FAR too often allow them to be overwhelmed by emotion. I don’t know how well I’m handling this situation, but I am attempting to be mature. I am attempting to be reasonable and calm. I own up to all the negativity geared toward me, but there is a lot that is invalid, and a lot of people fail to realize that. I will NOT feel bad for finally putting me above someone else. Okay, that’s a lie. Because I do. But the fact is, I shouldn’t fucking have to.
And what’s more is that I’m fucking terrified. I’m not going to go into a lot of detail on this one. I’m just throwing it out there. It started when my mother implanted the seed of doubt, and it just grows every day thanks to my insecurities. But fuck that.
And fuck this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Ramble, Well shit, Yays!
Some of the better things in life, I have learned, come at a cost. I made a choice. It caused me a lot of pain and distress, but I had to do what I wanted. I had to make me happy. I know that sounds horrible. It’s selfish and sick. But I made my decision. And I’m happy. I’m happy. There’s a lot of explanation involved, and I’m not going to offer it, because I know how I feel about this situation, and I know what I gave up and what I gained.
At what point in life do we decide to take care of ourselves? I think it’s probably different for everyone. I just encountered mine a few days ago. And instead of turning it down, I finally embraced it. Because I was tired. I was exhausted. And yet I kept causing myself more and more misery. And then, bam! there it was. The moment. My father tends to know what he’s talking about, and he got his chance to say I told you so. And I’m okay with that.
Maybe I am a hypocrite. Maybe I am a bad person, or a bad friend. I understand that. I’ve felt that. But shit, being on the other side isn’t a picnic, either, and I can appreciate that now. Just saying.
I don’t really know what I want to say. I’m happy. I’m fucking…HAPPY. And I don’t want to have to be sorry for it.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m possibly the worst person and friend ever.
EVER.
I can’t even begin to explain how fucked up a situation I got myself into. Awesome. When does it end?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
This odd mixture of emotions is getting the better of me, and sometimes it feels as though the only way to go on living with even the most minute type of normalcy is to completely ostracize myself. It’s like the only way I can do okay or be okay is to limit my interaction with the rest of the social world. Which is odd in itself, as I’m craving company. I’m stuck in a horrific conundrum, and I don’t want to play anymore.
I have so much to do, and I don’t feel like I have the time to do it. I have obligations and constraints, and there simply is not enough time in the day without my running myself completely ragged. Break cannot come soon enough. And even then, I have to try to get a lot of work done during the break as well. Huzzah.
Things have started to happen, also, that bother me. I’m not upset, I’m not mad, I’m just…irritated. I feel like I’m struggling to empty my already overflowing plate, and shit just keeps being shovelled onto it. Please, please, leave me alone! I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I feel like I’ve been doing okay lately, you know, being responsible and whatnot, and getting things taken care of, but that’s academically. Once academics and my life start raping me up the ass, I start to get a little flustered. And a little flustered can easily turn into a lot flustered.
I just want to go home. I want to be done with some of the shit I am in the middle of (fortunately, some of it will be out of the way before the week is up) and get on with it. I want to get on with it.
I found me again. It’s odd, because due to the situation, I’m not all that happy. But I am happy. I’m that girl who I used to be, but better. I’m bright. I laugh. I radiate. And it’s so much better than how I used to be. And my first thought when I realized this was that it’s too bad that He isn’t around to experience it, and isn’t interested anyway.
Because I’m the type of girl he’d fall in love with. All over again.
Mostly, I’m just checked out on the shit that doesn’t matter. The small stuff doesn’t even roll off, because I don’t let it touch me. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to freak the fuck out about things that are inconsequential or out of my control.
I’m better now. I wish the people I want and need to see that actually would.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
I feel strange. It’s an odd mixture of emotions and I can’t seem to put my finger on one individually.
For some strange reason, the change in the weather makes the missing that much worse. It’s bothersome.
I’ve realized lately that I’m going through withdrawals. I knew it was going to happen, but it’s set it pretty violently lately. I miss watching movies. I don’t remember the last time I just cuddled up and watched one. And I want to. Badly. It’s one of the few things I really enjoy doing, and I can’t ever or don’t ever get to do it. It’s kind of breaking me down.
quarterlife was talking to me today about some problems she’s been having, and it make me consider some things that I was aware of but that hadn’t fully settled in realistically. Then they did and I felt like a douche.
I can’t wait to go home. There are so many people I want to see. Plus, maybe I’ll get to reclaim my house, and my couch, and watch a movie.
Oh, and a warning for some of you (I’m not going to name names): there will be hugs. Fierce ones.
I’m lonely.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, WTF?, Well shit
I want to vomit violently to rid myself of the feeling lodged in my gut. It’s 20% hangover and 80% guilt.
I’m doing so well at not being a fucking prostitute, but I still make stupid choices, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of all this bullshit. I’m tired of drama, I’m tired of masking how shitty I feel all the time, I’m tired of having quasi-friends.
So, why don’t I do something about it, right? There’s only so much I can do. I can’t force people to like me. I can’t force myself to move on from something my heart won’t let go of. I can only fake it for so long before I have a complete meltdown. I think that’s when I start to make the stupid choices. And I’m not so sure it’s just because of the alcohol.
On the upside, I found a ride home for break. So that’s good.
Also, I feel like total shit. I can’t stop shaking. I wasn’t ready.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
In an up and down kind of way, I beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I’m fairly certain that I think too much.
I miss He a lot lately, usually at night. And I do my damnedest to leave him alone. He doesn’t need me.
I’m stuck. I’m happy, but I’m not happy. It’s like being content because you have Jell-o, but it’s not the flavor you wanted. So it’s good, but it’s not as good as it could be. I’m stuck wanting things that I can’t have. Why do I do this to myself? Unobtainable.
I’m starting to freak the fuck out, kids, because it’s crunch time, especially in Senior Seminar, and I’m not making the progress I feel like I should be making. I have no clue how the hell to even begin the presentation that’s due in a week. I have a presentation for another class in roughly a month, on a book that I haven’t even begun to think about reading. On top of it all, I just want to go home for break, and I have no way to get there at the moment. And I’m not sure I’m going to find a way. Balls.
I don’t even know how to say all the things I want to say. I feel emotionally retarded.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I preface this with a sigh, because that is all I have.
My body aches. My mind aches. Everything aches. Everything is tired. I’m ready for this semester, at very least, to be over.
I haven’t had sex in a month, and though I take pride in that, it’s also extremely frustrating, in more ways than I care to address at current.
I’m going to run out of money, and that’s okay, I guess, but again, frustrating.
I really just want to get all my shit done so I can sit around with some “friends” and drink some beer and refuckinglax.
More when I actually have time.
Something changed. Something actually, for real-real not for play-play changed.
Finally.
I can breathe. It’s still hard, and there’s still a rattle in there somewhere, but every day gets a little easier. I think I’m finally doing something right. It’s the distance, now, that’s killing me. The missing. That’s the hard part. That’s what sometimes wraps itself around me and starts to squeeze, usually at night. Or on a particularly beautiful day. The missing, the longing, the misery. But it’s getting easier. Not like I’m getting over it, but more like I’m finding it easier to deal with. This is perhaps the most intense feeling of resolve I have ever experienced. I said I was fighting a losing war. But I’m not so sure I am. I feel like if I believe enough, and I fight like hell, maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance that I can get out of this alive. And even with some sense of triumph.
My father wants me to go to Ohio with him and the girls for Thanksgiving. I don’t want to. I know that seems terrible, because I do want to spend time with them, but I really just want to be home. I don’t want to drive across the country to spend Thanksgiving in a foreign place with foreign people. I want to sit on my couch and watch TV. I want to cuddle up with my dog and do my homework. I want to go to dinner with my mother and my brother and I want to see all my friends. I want to see Poser before she moves away. I want to see quarterlife. I want to spend time with the people who mean a lot to me. Not to say that my family doesn’t, but I don’t want to drive for 8 hours just to drive again to some place I don’t want to be. Ugh. I suppose we will see how that goes. The entire dad/family situation is a bunch of drama right now, and I to be honest, I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t have the time or the energy. I have much bigger things to focus on. Like getting on top of shit so I can graduate.
I feel like I kept falling down, and I’ve finally stood up. I’ve finally dusted myself off, and now I’m keeping an eye on my footing. I have my entire fucking future to look forward too, and I was spending entirely too much time trying to run toward it without paying attention to my surroundings. I’m taking my time. When it comes time to run, then I’ll do it. But at the moment, I’m content with walking. I’m okay with making sure I’m taking the right steps to get where I want to go.
Will you be there when I get there?
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
To the few of you that have proven to me the things I have doubted, thank you.
I finally have experienced the painful and difficult realization that my behavior has got to stop. There are serious and terrifying consequences to what I have been doing, and I should avoid them rather than just hope for the best. I’m going to stop drinking and partying so much. And if I do happen to partake in either, I’m going to make sure it’s not in an environment that can get out of control. I don’t know what the hell I have been thinking, and I’m not sure that the way I have been feeling is a valid enough reason for the endeavors I have participated in. I used to pride myself on the fact that I hadn’t had sex with many people. Now I look back on the last couple of months and feel complete disgust and disappointment at what I’ve allowed myself to become. I have said it before, and this time I am going to prove it. That is not the girl I am, nor is it the girl I want to be. My rapid transformation into that girl is coming to and end. Now.
I don’t know how it happened, but I feel less pressure. I still have intense and overpowering feelings for He, but they’re not running my life. I can have a conversation with him without breaking down. Granted, I still want to; it eats at the back of my brain, but I don’t do it. I can control myself. A part of me is really happy about that, because I think that is going to enable me to do better in regards to healing. Another part isn’t so sure it’s what I really want to do. But at this point, what choice do I have? I love someone I cannot have, that does not want me, and the only thing to do is move past it, I suppose. Some shit about better to have loved and lost…
I am seriously resolute this time. I keep destroying myself because of the things I’ve been doing, and yet I continue to do them. I’m done. I’m tired of feeling the ways that I feel, I’m tired of putting myself in situations I deplore, I’m tired of all of it. And I keep doing it to myself. So why not just stop? It’s been brought to my attention that perhaps I need support. I’ve been yearning for that. I am inclined to think I need to do it by myself, to show myself that I don’t need someone else, that I can do it on my own, that I’m self-sustaining. But at the same time, I do see how having people who are cheering me on is only going to make the process easier. You know, positive reinforcement.
He is my best friend. It’s complicated, it’s messy, there’s still a lot of loose ends. But I appreciate his friendship, and I’m trying to limit it to just that. I very much want to keep him in my life. We’ll see how it goes.
quarterlife has touched me very deeply by proving to me that some people really do give a fuck, no matter what. It’s been shown to me before, but it is indescribably moving to me coming from her, especially considering all the bullshit we’ve gone through.
Again, to these few people, especially the two mentioned: thank you. I’m not going to let you down this time.
I’m not going to let me down.
I braved the bar solo last night. And several magical things happened. And I mean magical.
Firstly, Guapo insisted I sit at the bar so that I could “make friends” or be social or something, and that ended up pretty well. I did both.
Then, when it came time to go home (actually, once it was way past time to go home), Guapo wouldn’t take no for an answer, and walked me home, even though it was completely out of his way. And then he proceeded to be a complete gentleman. Many things could have happened last night, but they didn’t, because he’s pretty fucking amazing.
I’m being vague on details, and I’m sorry. But it’s been a while since I’ve run into a guy that can control himself as well as Guapo did. I think that’s pretty magical.
I’ve got more, but I have shit to do today, and I’ve already thrown too much of it away.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
Today may have been a breakthrough. Or tonight, rather.
I didn’t show my breasts to anyone. I didn’t have sex with anyone. I kissed a friend, but that is all. That is the extent of it. And I explained to him why I didn’t necessarily want to just be friends with benefits.
I’m progressing.
I feel good. That is all I want to say at the moment, because I need to go to bed. Now.
P.S. Nipping out really hard (as in it being REALLY fucking cold outside) is painful and slightly arousing.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
It’s a strange situation, really.
I’m fine so long as I’m not thinking about it.
And then I’m alone, and the world comes crashing down, and I’m sick to my stomach, and I can’t handle anything, and I want to freak out or punch someone or rip my hair out.
This is the dumbest bullshit I have ever dealt with. EVER.
And then I take it out on He, just because I blame him for how I feel, which is also dumb, but I can’t help it, because I’m so fucking bitter about the fact that I can’t make him love me. I want to do something huge, something epic, something amazing that will show him how important this is to me, how badly I want him, how different I am and it could be. But I feel like even if I walked through fire, it wouldn’t be enough. Nothing I do is going to be enough, and I don’t know how to deal with that. There’s a lot of complicated shit that goes with that, and I just…ugh. I can’t handle it.
Fuck my life. I’m doing okay, though. That’s good.
I think I’ve got roughly three guys “interested” in me, and that’s…difficult. I’ve been doing fairly well with staving off using them, though, and that’s good. I hang out with them, because they’re cool guys, but I’m not going to allow myself to give in to their interests purely so that I can feel better about how desperately unwanted and worthless I feel. Just because I ache to be wanted, loved, whatever, doesn’t mean I’m going to take advantage, regardless of what their motives are or how pure their intentions are. It’s just not something I want to do. Ever.
I’m tired of making everyone else miserable.
Moving on to step two.
Oh, and also, my phone isn’t here yet, and if it doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to fucking RAGE. Because I have to go to Verizon to get the service switched over, and if I don’t get there before they close…oh my god. So grumpy.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Meh, Oh NOES, Well shit
I made a small breakthrough last night!
I didn’t make out with anyone. I didn’t do anything sexual. I did show one person my goodies, but that’s better than showing everyone, which it seems like I’ve been doing. So there’s that.
I’m feeling okay about things lately. I don’t know if it’s because I found a friend, or because I’m coming to some sort of piece with my hope, or because I’m tired of fucking myself over…but I’m feeling okay. It’s pretty nice.
I’m thinking it will all be okay.
And then I remember why I’m going home this weekend. FML.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Inspired, My heart hurts, Well shit, Yays!
Today was a good day.
Aside from feeling like shit about what I’ve been doing.
Which I’m not doing anymore. Day one: success.
I even got quite a bit accomplished in terms of homework. So, I’m pretty content with that.
There was a little rough spot, but it was just a twinge of sadness in response to the email from He’s mom. It’s nice to talk to her. She’s a little crazy, but I love her, and I miss her a lot. I miss all of it a lot. So, that was a hill to get over, but I did.
I’m looking into counceling. Thinking maybe I’ll find some time to make myself better. I’m not going to get over He, and I’m not sure that’s the goal I need to set. I think I need to concentrate on fucking taking care of myself before I set any epic goals. I’m getting this shit figured out. Day one, but I’m making progress. Baby steps.
The first step to getting over a problem is admitting you have one. Uh, epic check.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I think I’ve finally reached the breaking point.
It has all culminated into one brilliant, disgusting moment, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with myself. And I don’t really know how to go about cleaning up the mess I’ve become, or the messes I’ve made.
I need to stop. Just…stop, period. I do things that make me look back and cringe. I behave in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of me, just because I can. I’ve gotten far too out of control. And it’s time to rein myself in. I don’t like the way things are going, and thus, and I have to do something about it.
The image that keeps coming into my head is that I’ve been fighting against a whirlpool. It had been pulling at me, harder and harder, and I had been swimming against it, exhausted, trying to keep myself out of it, every stroke draining me. And it just seems like I either finally lost the battle, or I just gave in, and now I’m swirling down, down, down, and if I don’t do something, I’m going to drown.
At what point am I going to start taking my own advice?
Too many unanswered questions, kids. That’s my problem.
How the fuck do I get over He when part of me wants to hold out?
And should I really hold out when there’s no guarantee?
Ugh. I’m going to do some homework now. I’m sure I’ll post again later.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Sometimes I feel like my best option is to withdraw from myself. Lonliness has become my closest and most endearing friend, and I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s one of those friendships that you don’t particularly enjoy, but you can’t really bring yourself to get out of, because no matter where you go or what you do, that friend is there, tagging along. You don’t really like this friend, but at least you have one, and you’re afraid to give that up. Lonliness is bullying me, but I don’t have the balls to stand up to it.
Something happened tonight that knocked the air out of me. I sort of saw it coming, but I guess I didn’t believe myself. I don’t think the situation is quite as bad as I am allowing myself to feel about it, but it’s still pretty shitty, and I don’t want to have to deal with the emotional repercussions. I know that I made a lot of mistakes over the summer. But I don’t believe that I am the kind of person that will do things simply for emotional or physical gratification, nor am I the type of girl that appreciates being called just for sex. He didn’t get what he wanted, but I am still left feeling cheap and disgusted with myself. How do I enable myself to get into these situations?
I feel like life keeps dealing me a really shitty hand. I know I bitch a lot, but come on, really? I’m down to play the game, I’d just really like to win every now and then, you know?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
I feel like I’ve come to some sort of stand-still in my life. I’ve been so caught up in the whirlwind, and now I’m standing completely still, the world whooshing around me, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve gotten this far, but what’s next? Where do I go from here? I’m not sure I want to rejoin that hectic, chaotic movement. I can breathe in my stasis. That’s the thing about standing still, though. I’m doing it alone. So as nice as it is to breathe, it’s like inhaling a slow poison. I can enjoy it right now, but eventually, it’s going to kill me.
I’m terrified that I have taught myself to be ingenuine. I feel very unhappy most of the time, but I can put on a happy face and act completely normal, even when I want to break down. The only person that it doesn’t happen with is He, and I hate that. I’m wasting my time. I’m wasting my energy. I’m wasting my feelings. It really feels like high school all over again, where I find myself completely in love with someone that barely notices me. That’s kind of a harsh way to represent the situation, but that’s the meat of it. I guess I’m just tired of being…defective. It’s like I’m some sort of fucked up Midas, except rather than gold, everything I touch turns to shit. And I shouldn’t feel this way, because I’m not the same. Even my friends have told me that I’m vastly different now than I was even 6 months ago. And I am. I am. I know I am. Why is it that the one person I want to see that, doesn’t?
I’m exhausted. I want one good day. One whole day that is so good that I don’t even have time to think about being down about anything. I do my best to make that happen, but I guess there’s only so much I can do. There’s only so much I can avoid thinking about. And there’s only so much supression I can handle.
I am what I am. I am flawed, I am stubborn, I am absurd.
I still deserve to be happy.
I still deserve to be loved.
I think I deserve a chance.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m having some.
I’m not sure I want to be friends with He. I mean, I know I do, but I don’t think it’s working out for me at this point. I’m at serious unease. Sometimes, I feel perfectly fine about things. But that’s in certain situations. The majority of the time, I’m kind of sick to my stomach. I’m annoyed. The entire thing is trying my patience, and I don’t really know how much more and I can endure. I think I’m subjecting myself to things that aren’t helping me in any way.
He’s fucking using me.
That’s my radtastic fucking epiphany for the day. Pretty stoked about it.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Why why why?
I don’t think I really like where I’m at right now.
And that in itself is a problem, because I don’t know where the fuck I am.
My best friend is my ex-boyfriend, and I loathe him as much as I love him.
I don’t know what to do about the situation, because no matter what, I find myself repressing a whole lot of emotion. Just talking to him is a conundrum because it makes me feel better, but it brings about a whole lot of things that make me worse. It’s like cough syrup. You know it’s going to make you feel better, but you still choke and want to vomit. I don’t have any idea how to get around it all, and I’m tired of it being a clusterfuck. And it only is for me, and that’s what infuriates me even more. I feel so incredibly stupid, because I know my heart is directing me one way, the wrong way, and I’m trying to follow. It’s pure idiocy. I want to punch myself in the face.
Oh – random: I’ve realized that there is so much bitter resentment built up about it that I haven’t dealt with that I’m going to explode. I don’t know when, I don’t know on whom, but I know it’s going to happen. I can feel the lid of the pot starting to rattle under the pressure of the boiling. I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t care how I am or am not supposed to feel, it’s fucked up.
I’m having a really difficult time convincing myself that he’s not still mine, which is so fucking stupid I can’t even comprehend it. I get jealous and possessive and a whole laundry list of stupid things that I have no right (and absolutely no fucking reason) to feel. It shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t be like this.
I just miss him so damned much. In every way. And it’s killing me, because I think I’m stuck in some sort of false reality, and it is not serving me well. Not at all.
I’d like to shoot myself in the face.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
I’m quickly tiring of the rollercoaster. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m growing weary of the ups and downs.
One night I’m so desperately miserable that I have mutliple panic attacks and can barely keep my eyes open due to the amount of crying I’m doing. The next night, I feel fine. What is this?
Maybe it’s just because I distract myself with schoolwork. Or maybe I just tell myself that because on some level, I’m afraid that maybe I am starting to get over it and I’m not sure I’m ready/willing to.
Truth? I have no fucking idea what’s going on. And I might be okay with that.
Maybe.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
There are moments in my life that make me step back and look at my past self and cringe.
I’m not a perfect person.
I’ve made mistakes.
He and I had a conversation today that kind of shook me up. I’ve gotten to the point where I say that I don’t give a fuck what people think about me, which is true, but I guess He added a preface to it. As long as it’s not someone that I care a lot about and that means more to me than almost anything, I don’t give a fuck what people think about me. Sometimes it’s really hard to have someone you love say terrible things to you, especially when they’re (for the most part) true. It’s not easy at all. And not pleasant, either.
I just wanted to throw that out there. I’ve got a lot more, I just…I have things to do.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit
I am tired.
My body hurts.
My heart is conflicted.
My mind is overloaded.
I want to sleep for days.
But I want there to be someone there with me.
I think I’ve been doing pretty well with ignoring how lonely I am. Some nights are worse than others, though, especially when I feel the way I do. There is nothing I would love more than to be able to crawl into bed, cover myself in the warmth of someone’s arms, and sleep. I’m sure it’s He I miss, and his embrace, but at the same time, I kind of want to punch him in the face. Like, I want to punch him in the face and then cuddle with him. Get it out of my system and then bask in some sort of false reality.
What was will never be.
That’s hard for me.
And I don’t know why.
I was fucking happy, that’s why. And if one more person tries to tell me that I wasn’t, I’m going to freak out. I’m pretty sure I know better than anyone else how I felt. Regardless. It’s just one more awesome obstacle I have to hurdle.
I’m getting tired of jumping. Jumping hurdles. Jumping obstacles. Jumping through hoops. When do I just get to be? When do I get to just move on? He’s doing it, why can’t I? Why do I have to keep falling back down? My body is going to tire of the abuse, and I can’t do anything about it. What’s going to happen when I fall and can’t get back up again? What then?
I try not to think about it. Because I do keep getting back up. I don’t fall a lot; I mostly stumble. But I do fall. And my knees are bloody and ragged. It hurts to pick myself up and keep going. But I have to. It’s over.
It’s over.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Want to know the truth?
I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend.
He is still the most attractive guy I know.
I have no reason to be shy in saying that I want to fuck the hell out of him. Even without his encouragement.
I am a fucking idiot, and I would love to hear you tell me differently.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Inspired, My heart hurts, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Except the sun isn’t coming out tomorrow – it came out today.
Despite being incredibly tired, having a fuckton of things to do (including take a shower), and being generally stressed out, I feel amazing today. Somehow, even thinking about all the shit that usually drags me under, I am in a good mood. I feel…buoyant. I dare say this is one of the best days I have had in quite some time. I do, however, on the semi-depressing side, wish I had someone to share it with. I really enjoy being infectous, and it is difficult for me to not have someone that I am close with to share a good mood with. That in and of itself puts me in an even better mood. I just want to be able to walk somewhere, holding someone’s hand, talking and laughing. Feeling fun and fancy-fucking-free.
Today, my friends, is a good fucking day.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
So, I’m going to be honest here.
Some days, I feel pretty good. I can keep the demons at bay, or they don’t even bother to wake up at all, and I have a decent time. I function, I can breathe, everything goes well. These are good days, and I feel like I’m okay, like I’m on the path to being totally okay. Like somehow maybe the whole evolution thing really is going to pan out, and I’m on my way to standing on my own two feet. I like these days.
Other days (mostly nights) I fall down. I fall down hard. These are bad days. The demons hold me down and choke the air out of me and I feel like I can’t do anything. It literally feels like I’m losing my mind, because everything becomes so overwhelming that I can’t breathe. I cry so hard that I can’t see straight, I can’t think, I can’t do anything. Pretty much the epitome of not fucking cool.
The truth:
There are days (nights) when I miss He so much that I feel like the world is collapsing on top of me.
I am still deeply, hopelessly, painfully in love with He. I can’t turn it off.
I feel like I threw away the best thing that ever did and possibly ever will happen to me.
He is my best friend, and that is not helpful at all. When you need to turn to someone and your best friend is also the source of your pain, things don’t exactly work out.
There isn’t a single thing on this campus that doesn’t make me think of He.
Sometimes I have to stop myself from calling He and asking if he wants to go to the Admin lawn and throw a frisbee around. It’s like I’ve forgotten.
I guess that’s the nutshell version. I don’t want to go in-depth because I’ve done pretty well with not having a complete meltdown today, minus when He called me and then later when my dad called. At some point I just have to take a breath and tell myself to knock it off. The only way things are going to change is if I start to get the fuck over it. Regression’s going to happen, that’s natural. But I feel like somehow my path to recovery is flawed, and in some way, I’m repressing things. Because when the regression into misery finally hits, it hits hard. It’s debilitating.
I need some sort of giant switch so I can shut myself off sometimes. That or I need the part of my brain removed that’s devoted to He. It’s nearly inexplicable. I want so desperately to explain it, but even in my head, it sounds pathetic.
I won’t be that girl.
Edit:
There’s also this. It’s very, very rough, but I think I kind of like it. It will go somewhere eventually.
I was the apple no one wanted
perhaps because I was difficult to see
perhaps because I was difficult to reach
but you climbed
and climbed
and kept climbing
because you wanted me
your mouth watered for me
you had to have me
and you worked so hard
for so long
and then you touched me
you reached me
you picked me
and I was rotten.
I was spoiled.
I filled your mouth with bitterness
and maggots.
And I thought
you threw me away
when you let me fall from your grasp
before I realized
I discarded you
by not being sweet
and juicy
and filling you with the flavor
you had so longed for.
I loved being yours but
I bruised my skin
I yellowed my insides
I became disgusting
because I knew I could never be
the taste that you deserved.
I just realized something today.
I’m going to be okay. I am okay.
Things change. People change. Situations change. And I’m going to make it work for me.
It’s hard, and I’m sure I will have regressions (is that a word?), but I’m honestly done.
I’m going to move on with my life, and I’m going to make it fantastic.
I’m a fucking senior, and I am going to make this year kick ASS.
Like, melt your face off.
I care about He. I always will.
But I’m not going to let it eat at me anymore.
He did what he did, he does what he does, and all I can hope for is that he is happy.
It’s not my business and not my problem, and I shouldn’t let it affect me.
SOoooooo…
here’s to making life all it can be.
I’m sticking to it this time, I swear.
I hope.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Okay, so maybe I’m a goddamned liar. Maybe I just get far too optimistic sometimes. Maybe, just maybe, I really don’t handle being lonley very well. I truly want to believe that I am okay without He up here, and that would be a whole lot easier if I could keep myself occupied. Because it’s turning into an issue. It’s not just missing him. It’s not just feeling like something about being up here is off, missing, incomplete. It’s not just being kind of sad that we’re broken up and everything – everything – is different. It’s that I start thinking back, back to when we broke up, and I start getting sad/hurt/angry again. I go out of my way not to call He and ask him why the fuck he replaced me. And then I have to battle with myself in order to convince myself that he didn’t replace me, no matter what it feels like. Just because there is absolutely no other way I can feel about the situation doesn’t mean that that’s how it is. And mostly, I’m just fucking irate because I swear to JESUS I thought I was over this horseshit. So, in a nutshell, I am trying really hard to just not think about anything pertaining to He at all. Which is difficult. But I’m doing my best, and it’s going to get better. It’s going to get better. I refuse to allow this shit to happen again.
So. I’m not entirely sure that any of that made sense or even came out the way I wanted it to, but I had to fucking vomit it out somewhere, because I’m having a difficult time this morning. I know there’s going to be a problem when I go to bed in a decent mood and wake up feeling much less than 100%. I feel like some part of me had a super delayed reaction and is just now going through the grieving process. Which really isn’t cool. I’m exhausted with being sad at all, about anything. Especially anything regarding He.
I find myself stifling bitterness.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Yays!
It’s odd, because just when I think the entire world is closing in on me, things start to look up.
The things I was stressing myself out about – one in specific – have essentially melted away. I’m not freaking out every three seconds anymore. I’m doing better at not allowing my mind to run away with me. Yeah, it’s different up here without He. Yeah, it makes me miss him and it makes me sad. But I’m a fucking trooper, and if I could get through all the drama and bullshit that happened this summer, I think I can handle not being around him. In a strange way I’m kind of glad he’s 600 miles away. It forces me to handle college on my own rather than using He as a crutch, which is essentially what I did for the last 3 years. Now I actually have to make friends and develop a social network for myself. It’s exciting and terrifying, and though most of me feels like it’s going to take too much effort, I’m kind of looking forward to it. Shit, I made a ton of new friends before I left to come up here, so why can’t I do it here? We’ll see how it goes.
I just spent 200 dollars on books. It’s not really a bad deal considering that I bought 12, but at the same time it pisses me off because I know I’ll get maybe 20 bucks when/if I try to sell them back. It’s fucking horseshit, and I don’t know why it still bothers me when I should be used to it. I’m brilliant for choosing English as a major. On a similar vein, I’m a little worried about a couple of my classes. I’m glad that I only have class on Tuesday and Thursday, because I’m going to need a lot of time for at least two of my classes. Senior Sem and Fiction are going to kick my ass in terms of writing, and Modern Fiction is going to kick my ass in terms of reading. 7 of the books I bought today were for that class alone. GUH. It’s a good thing I am fucking badass. : )
So I guess I’m in a decent mood. There’s a little bit of drama going on at home in terms of my family, but I guess that’s working out as well…it tends to get a bit rough when I can’t be there to help my dad out with things. But hopefully everything is going well. I’m really glad that my dad is so happy with his fiance and her daughters and whatnot. It’s a nice little family unit we’ve put together.
OH! And I’m going to go start working out, and I am super stoked for that, because I’ve already lost a lot of weight, and now I’m just going to look fucking SEXY and toned and whatnot. That’s right, you wait for it, when I come home again, I’m going to look like teh s3×0rz and it will be AWESOME (I probably just did that wrong, but I don’t really care). I’m so ready to be stupid attractive again. High school body, here I come!
I guess that’s it for now. I’m trying to be as optimistic as possible, if not only because things are looking up and I want to keep it that way.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?, Yays!
The last couple of days have been…rough…I suppose I would say. I’ve been having miniature internal meltdowns almost every night, and sometimes they spill out and I have to talk to someone. Most recently it’s been my parents, and I told He, and all three of them have told me that I need to just calm down. I’m sure they are right, but it’s still sort of difficult because some of the things I am stressing about are terrifying. It takes a lot of energy for me to just shove it to the back of my mind so that I can function like a normal human being.
I’m back in the ’scow, and initially, I was really happy about it. I realized that I really do like it up here. And then, while sitting in my dorm room, being bored out of my mind (my roommate is like, an exchange student or something from Ecuador, and isn’t in our room all that much because she has to go to meetings and stuff…or something), I had a mini-panic attack. I guess. Sort of. The brain took me on a magical journey to Misery Swamp, and all I could think about was He, and how hard it’s going to be up here without him, and blah blah blah blah blah. And then I just got sad because we are broken up, which is stupid, and so I just sat here and cried like a little baby for a while and then took a deep breath and knocked it the fuck off. It is going to be a huge change without He up here, not only because we’re not together anymore, but because he was the doorway to friendships and social gatherings for me. I’m pretty sure that none of the guys in his house actually have a whole lot of interest in being my friend or hanging out with me, and the only reason that they ever did was because I was He’s girlfriend. It’s kind of depressing, but I guess it’s just an opportunity for me to make more friends or something by myself. I guess I just need to adjust a little bit better rather than feeling sorry for myself, which it seems like is what I am doing.
On the upside, I figured out how to get connected to the internet all by myself. I’m pretty proud of that, because last year I had to have He do it because I had all sorts of problems with it. I got it done in like, an hour (technically it was like, five minutes, but I’m counting the time that I spent in the computer lab AFTER I registered the connection). I know it’s silly, but it’s a small triumph for me personally. I guess you’d have to be me to understand. It’s liberating? Because I didn’t need He to do it for me. It seems cruel or harsh or mean, maybe, but I guess I like that I am capable of doing things that I needed He for before. It makes me feel like I’m getting my independence back, and that’s a good thing. I hope. I just need to cling to that, because truthfully, for the last…oh…4-5 hours I’ve been missing He terribly.
I’m hoping that this year is fantastic. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that it is, but who knows what hand life plans on dealing me?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not sure I should even be doing this right now, because I have been far too contemplative and somewhat down for the past couple of days. I guess I just want to dump it out.
I was so gloriously okay, and then new information rears its ugly head, and I feel myself teetering on the edge of misery. I refuse to feel the way I felt before, and I don’t think I do. But some part of me has such a difficult time dealing with the situation, particularly because of some of the finer details. And it would be so much easier to deal with if people didn’t use bullshit excuses to validate the things they’ve done. Maybe that’s just me, but regardless, it’s bothersome. My biggest problem at this point is that some part of me is clinging so desperately to it all, and really, I don’t care that much. I don’t want to care. None of it is my business, and I don’t want it to be. I just don’t know how to turn myself off. It’s okay, but it’s not fucking okay. It’s driving me crazy. So most of the time, I prefer to just not think abotu it. I’m not really sure what’s going on with me, and that’s infuriating because I was doing so well, and now I feel as though I’m slipping.
I can’t wait to leave. I’ve loved the past few weeks here, hanging out with people and having a good time and whatnot, but I’m ready to remove myself from the situation. I think distance will help me put the finishing touches on distancing myself completely in terms of emotions, and that is a huge part of all my shit right now, I think.
I’ll do this again later. I really don’t have it in me right now. I’m not even sure any of this makes sense.
I’m going to go ahead and say this, and in some brevity, because I really need to go to bed.
I do not, nor will I ever appreciate people saying fucked up things about me or making assumptions about me without actual knowledge or information. It is hurtful and childish and completely unnecessary. At this point it just blows my fucking mind that this is even an issue.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
I don’t even know where to begin. I am conflicted because I am acting very out of character. I am making the choice to do so each time I do, and then I start to feel…guilty? about it. At the same time, I am 21 years old, I am single, and I can do whatever the fuck I want. I still have integrity, so I don’t know what my problem is. At this point, I’ve just decided on “fuck it” because I don’t need to waste my time worrying about whether or not I come off as a giant whore. Shit happens, and life goes on. I’m enjoying myself.
I think this is going to be my last week of work. I’m pretty stoked about it considering that last week I serverely fucked up my back. Thanks to Smokes, though, it feels a whole hell of a lot better. It was an incredibly painful process, but he worked some serious magic. Yays! The shit was literally starting to destroy me. It hurt to breathe, for fucks sake. But I think I’m on the road to recovery, so that’s good.
I am content. Life has been a whirlwind for the past few weeks, and it’s hard to keep up with it all, but it’s been a hell of a ride, and I feel good. I feel like me again. And that’s really, really nice. At the same time, I do need to get my shit organized, because I may be headed toward a very dangerous slope that I don’t want to fall down. I’m not sure if it’s a lack of self-control or just being so caught up in the brilliance of it all, but I’ve gone crazy. Haha.
I’m in love with life right now.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not 100% on how I feel at the moment, and that pisses me off. Even when I was sitting around by myself, I still felt good. And then He comes along and fucks it up. Derails me. I’m struggling to not let it bother me, and I’m doing a decent job, but I can feel myself slipping. I’m not sure what to do to stop it. I refuse to let myself be brought down again. I worked so hard to get where I am and I will NOT let him bring me down anymore. Every time I start dwelling on it, I just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell myself I deserve better. Shitty things happen to good people, sometimes.
I’m having a hard time not feeling like perhaps I am too needy with my new friends. I enjoy hanging out with them, but at some point last week I just stopped texting them because I felt like I was being too much. People need space. Shirt just texted me, and that made me feel nice, because I didn’t have to make the effort. It pisses me off that I feel this way because I know WHY I feel this way and I shouldn’t have to. That’s why I’m so irritated that I’m bothered by the stupid shit with He. It affects everything in my life in terms of my behavior, and I don’t need that to happen. I don’t want it to happen. I’m not going to let it happen. Jesusfuck.
I cannot WAIT until Thursday rolls around. I’m going to rectify the way I’m feeling by uttering a silent “FUCK YOU” to all the drama, and I’m going to go to the Gator and have the time of my life, like I always do. That’s where my happy lies; in the people, the spirits, and the sheer fun that lingers there.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
I can’t even comprehend how people that I thought knew me can find themselves under the impression that I would be doing or saying things to be intentionally hurtful. I have absolutely no reason or desire to be catty or cruel, and I am quickly tiring of being questioned about it. And I think that by being bothered by the situation, I am making it worse. So fuck it.
I AM OVER IT! There is no drama, there are no cruel intentions, I’m through with hard feelings, and I don’t need to deal with minor miscommunications. I care about He, but I don’t want a whole lot to do with him right now. He is important to me, yes. But the relationship has vastly changed and I’m not going to drop everything to accomodate him like I used to. I know it sounds harsh, but that’s just how I feel. It’s taken me a while to get to the point I am at and I can honestly say that I feel pretty fucking happy the majority of the time. He and I broke up. We are broken up. It’s not my problem anymore. None of it. We both have our shit and I’m working on mine. Perhaps I don’t always handle it well because my opinions get in the way, but I do know that to some degree I am correct in the things I feel and believe, and I’m not going to let anyone tell me otherwise. I just want to get on with my life. I’ve fenced up the drama llamas and I don’t need anyone letting them out so they can start shitting all over my life again. I’m not saying that He is doing that, but in general, I am saying that I am DONE with semi-silly situations and conversations that do little more than irritate me. I know that I’m probably coming off really cold, but that’s just how it is. I let shit roll off these days, and I don’t want to buy in to minute issues that don’t even need to come up. I…I just can’t say it enough. I’m over it. Really, I am. I’m done.
I am glad that He is going on with his life. True, I do not agree with how he is going about it, but that doesn’t matter. So I’m letting him do his thing, and I’m doing mine. I’m not obligated to make him happy anymore (if, in fact, I ever did), and if what he is doing makes him happy, more power to him. I stand by my feeling that he does deserve to be happy. As do I. And we need to just do our own things and leave each other alone. I know he wants to be friends or stay in my life or however you choose to put it, and that’s fine. I have no problem with that. But it’s not going to be on his terms. It’s a compromise, and when I am ready, when time has done what it does, then we’ll see what happens.
Also, and I was just thinking about this today, if anyone is having trouble losing weight, just date someone for four years, go through some somewhat traumatic shit promptly following the breakup, and the pounds will just fall off. It’s ridiculous. Helpful, though. Apparently being single and losing some weight gets you substantially more attention from the opposite sex than you had previously. I’ll just go ahead and high-five myself on that one. It’s really nice to feel comfortable with how I look AND be aware that other people approve as well.
So, that’s it for now. I’m not a mean person. I took a whole lot from my relationship with He, and I’m a better person for it. I handle situations a million times better than I did in the past. I’m level-headed and calm and I am not sure I can recall the last time I got angry. I’m just saying – I’m not about to start saying things just to warrant a reaction or to be intentionally hurtful. We’re all adults, here.
Each day gets better and better. I’m so glad I’m not miserable anymore. The evolution, I believe, is nearly complete. Finding myself has never been so much fun. And just when I least expect it, it’s going to happen. I’ll be on my feet again. I can’t wait.
I don’t even have words for how I feel. It’s your loss, buddy, and I’m sorry for you. Deeply, deeply sorry. Such is life, though, I suppose.
I can’t wait to get back to Moscow. It may be odd at first, and I am semi-fearing a breakdown, but I’m fairly certain that I don’t need He to survive up there. I’ve got me now, and that might be even better.
Fuck. Yes.
So, I went to councelling again the other day. We had a brief chat before she told me it didn’t sound like we needed to make another appointment. I couldn’t stop smiling that day, and I find that I am okay most of the time. My evolution is happening at an alarming and wonderful rate. It’s about time.
It’s just gotten to the point where I’m so exhausted by being sad. What do I have to be sad about? I spent four wonderful years in a relationship that had its ups and downs, and now I’m single and I get to figure out who I am and what I want. I get to move on to something better. What He does with his life is no longer my business. Yes, I care very much about him. I am disturbed and turned off by what he is doing. But it’s not my problem. It’s his. I’m over all the hard feelings and the sadness and the anger. I won’t say that I am not affected by the situation he created, but I’m tired of focusing all of my energy on it rather than moving on with my own life. So I’m done. I’ve stood up, dusted myself off, and I’m moving forward with my head held high.
My skin no longer feels like a costume or a cage.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Well shit
I was doing so well. I was doing so fucking well. And then there He comes, up like a creature from the deep in my pool of misery, and yanks me back in. Holds me under until that oxygen I was so loving and needing is completely gone from my lungs.
I literally JUST rectified that situation. He texted me multiple times today and I ignored him, because I don’t need him. I don’t need to talk to him, I don’t need to see him, I just…I don’t NEED him. So finally, I asked him to leave me alone. Then he calls me and insists on stopping by my work so we can “talk” when I got off. I reluctantly agreed. Therefore, I guess it’s kind of my fault that I started drowning. Again.
So He calls me at around 6ish and I didn’t hear the call because I was too busy going apeshit cleaning the house to distract myself from the situation. I listen to the voicemail and though it kind of tugged on the heartstrings a bit, decide not to respond. We just got off the phone again because I had a fucking breakdown, I guess. Jesus Christ.
Now I’m swimming back toward the surface. Toward the shore.
No more creatures from the deep to keep me down. I hope.
All I really, really, REALLY want, is to cuddle up with someone for a few hours. I want to feel someone’s heart beating against me. I want that warmth of two bodies pressed together. I just want to feel warm. That kind of warm.
*le sigh*
My metaphor was that I was swimming in a pool of misery and I want to evolve. I want to move through the stages and become a creature that can stand solid on two feet. When I first spit this metaphor out, I was saying that I was like, a tadpole or something. I was still in the pool, but I was working on getting out. I think I’m to the point where I’ve got some sort of rudimentary limbs, because I have been spending more time on the shore than in the pool. I go back to it from time to time, but I don’t need it to survive. I’m evolving, and it’s fantastic. Breathing is fucking nice.
This summer has kind of done a complete 180. I thought I was going to be horribly depressed forever, and yet the past couple of weeks have me so giddy that I’m not sure why I was so down in the first place. I’ve met a lot of people, I’ve developed incredible friendships, and for the first time in a long time, I’m pretty damned comfortable with myself. Sure, I’m still insecure, and I catch myself feeling like a disgusting blob, but a lot of things have happened lately that essentially force me to believe (at least on some level) that I’m attractive. It’s lovely. Refreshing. It’s been a very, VERY long time since I have felt attractive. Since I’ve been at ease in my own skin. Shit, man, I’ve been wearing skirts! It’s like some sort of breakthrough. Ha. Truthfully, it’s just really nice to be where I’m at right now. As a person, I think I’ve improved. I’m more fun to be around – even to myself. I just go with the flow and let shit roll off and GODDAMN it’s nice. I’m finding the girl I used to be, and remembering how great she is. LOVE IT.
Also loving all my new friends. K-B and Shirt, particularly, because they actually talk to me and hang out with me, and jesusfuck, they’re just awesome. They both make me feel incredible, and that in itself is thoroughly enjoyable. As is their company. Gotta love the mens.
My behavior lately has me somewhat taken aback. I am not disturbed or upset by it, but it seems quite different than the behavior I normally exhibit, and I’m more just surprised by myself than anything else. Actually living life, just taking it by the balls and having FUN is exhilerating.
There may be hope for me yet.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I take back my previous smacking. I don’t need to smack myself at all. The things I do are the things I want to do because I am not an idiot, I am not a slut, I am not irresponsible, I am not that girl. I’m a good person, and somewhere deep down, I honestly believe that. I believe that I do deserve to be happy. I believe that I don’t deserve to spend the rest of my life feeling like shit because I spent four years with someone who now chooses to make me feel that I was inadequate. I am enough. I am more than enough. And I hope to god that I can convince myself to believe not only that, but that I deserve better.
I’ve been happy lately. Things have been looking up. He is still my best friend but I think some part of me is trying to get rid of that. Some part of me loathes him so violently that it is difficult for me to keep it in check. Because the whole of me still cares very much about him and I don’t need to be burning any bridges (he already did). I don’t know what I want between us, and I haven’t been thinking about it. I don’t think about him, much. I try not to.
I am terrified that perhaps I have developed feelings or at least some sort of attachment to K-B. I’m sure there will be more on this as the situation develops. Ha.
The wasted chance.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
Life. It goes on. It’s hard, it’s ugly, it’s painful. But time keeps ticking by, and it does what it does.
Maybe I’ll be okay. For real-real, not for play-play.
Councelling went very well. It was, as I expected, a little awkward, but I think it will improve. She’s a pretty cool chick, and it was easy to kind of just chat about things. Plus, I only cried a teeny tiny little bit. I walked out of that place, got back to my car, and almost bawled. I was so fucking relieved. It was the first time in a long time that I felt happy. Everything felt okay. I got some sense of hope. The whole thing is just a good plan.
Also, in light of recent events, I need to smack myself. Tsssk tsssk, me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
Good GAWD. Once again, I feel as though there is a lot inside me that is just itching to get out but there is something disabling me from allowing it to.
I do want to say one thing, and this is more for me than anything else. I think I actually need to stare at it for a while. I do not forgive He. There are so many things about that statement that I have a hard time processing them all. Technically, he didn’t do anything to me. It’s his life, his business, his choice. But I don’t think it is entirely unreasonable for me to feel the way I do about it. It was a HUGE slap in the face. More like a punch. And I’m not sure the black eye is ever going to go away. I don’t know if I CAN ever forgive He. Part of me wants to, and another part is telling me that I’m better off. I spent four years with a stranger.
As far as my social life is concerned, I would say I’m doing a lot better. The past few times I’ve gone out, there has been very minimal drama, a lot of hilarity, and just an overall great time was had. In the past week I’ve made a whole handfull of new friends, and they actually show interest in hanging out with me. It’s a foriegn but fantastic feeling. Like, maybe I will be okay.
Maybe.
Slowly, very slowly, time is doing what time does.
I’m doing…okay. It’s nice. But I’m semi-frightened of it, because I fear it is not going to last. I feel more positive than I have in quite a while, though, and that’s nice as well. I still have moments of weakness, but that will happen.
I accredit my positivity very much to Peachy, because she is fucking amazing. She’s been everything I’ve needed someone to be and then some. I appreciate not only her willingness to hang out with me, but her brutal honesty and the fact that she will not bullshit me about anything. She’s played a pretty big part in pulling me out of my hole. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are awesome. : )
I’m still stressing, and there’s still a bunch of bullshit going on, but I’m so fucking tired of letting it all get me down that I’m just keeping my head above the water and enjoying the calming feeling rather than flailing about worrying that I’m going to drown. If I’m going to drown, I’m going to do it while living my life to the best of my ability. Fuck it. Fuck all of it.
Happy happy joy joy. I’m trying.
