Filed under: Fuck
I should be happier about being home.
I should be happier in general.
But I’m not.
I know I said I was offline for a while, but I have some shit to get out. I can’t carry it around.
There’s all this concern about He’s happiness. About how he needs to move on with his life and that he has the right to be happy. I’m all for that. I’m on board. I have never once objected to that. I won’t.
Where’s the concern for my happiness? I deserve to be happy, too. I don’t deserve it any less than He does. This may come out wrong, but I’m going to say it the only way I know how. I don’t want to offer a disclaimer, but I’m sure I’ll apologize for it, because I don’t want to offend anyone or upset anyone, or anything like that.
I’m tired of being treated like I’m refusing to move on. I’m tired of being treated like I’m just a pathetic husk that refuses to stop clinging to the past. On one hand, yes, I see that it seems like I am doing that. But here’s a morsel of knowledge: I was being led on. I’m not sure it was intentional, and I don’t care. He has always known how I feel, and I, at this point, feel that my feelings were exploited, or at very least, taken advantage of. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding. I don’t know. I don’t care. I shouldn’t have to feel the way I feel because He gave me false hope. I feel like a fool, and I am a fool. Because I allowed my feelings to get the better of me. Because I refused to believe that He was the type of person that he is.
Long story short, I deserve better than what I’ve got. I deserve to be able to move on with my life and be happy. But I refuse to do it the way He is. I will keep my opinions to myself at this point, because I am sure they are biased. But I also know He very, very well, and I know for a fact that I am not entirely mistaken.
I will say this: everyone is entitled to their opinion. You can all think what you want to think about me, and about the situation. The fact of the matter is, the only people who really, truly know anything about it are me and He. And I’ll lay it out for you all right here, right now. I spent four years with a truly remarkable man who made me happier than I ever imagined I could ever be. I was, and still am, painfully in love with him. We broke up. “Things didn’t work out.” Two weeks later, he moved on. Whether or not he still had feelings for me at that point is of no consequence. Because now he is dating the same girl he discarded me for. I have my objections, and I will keep them to myself. Because he has every right to move on and be happy.
All I ask is that everyone get the fuck off my back and let me be sad. Let me mourn the loss of my lover. Let me mourn the loss of my best friend. Let me mourn my losses, okay? Let me hurt. Let me be sad. Let my cry so hard that I can’t breathe. Let my try to get rid of this. A person can only shoulder so much. I am strong. I have always been a very strong person. But this is pain that I have never experienced. It is like nothing I have ever known. And I have to do it on my own. I don’t have anyone. So let me falter. Let me be flawed. Let me be weak every now and then, because I can’t be strong all the time. I can’t act like it’s okay when I’m not okay. I’m not okay. I am not okay. I am alone, and I have to carry him around all day. Let me not be able to deal with that sometimes. Just let me hurt. Let me let it hurt. I don’t ask much of anyone, ever. This is all I ask. Just let me be sad.
Time is a cruel mistress. And everyone works differently. It took He a very short amount of time, and that destroys me. But that’s him, and that’s okay. I can deal with that. I don’t want to, but I will. Me, I take longer. Me, I can’t look back at all that was bad in our relationship and let it alter how I feel toward him. Me, I can’t spend copious amounts of time with someone and forget about He. We all work differently. So let me be. Let me be destroyed, and miserable, and let me break down every now and then. I lost a part of me, okay, and I haven’t learned how to operate without it, yet. Sometimes it’s hard to love someone until the day they’re gone. I wasn’t a good girlfriend. I didn’t make He happy. And he has every right to not want to be with me. But that doesn’t mean that I have to just suck it up and move on. I’m trying my very best. He always used to tell me that trying wasn’t good enough. Sometimes it’s all I can do.
I think I’ve been pretty good about this thus far. I think I’ve been a trooper. I’ve had some horrible moments, but lessons have been learned. I am guilty of being jealous. I am guilty of being hurt. I am guilty of a lot of things, but I have done nothing intentionally hurtful toward anyone, and I think I deserve just a little bit of credit. I think I deserve some support. I think I deserve to be happy, too.
I deserve it, too.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, Well shit
I just want to let you know, whoever reads this, that I’m out.
I’m gone for a while. I’m disconnecting.
I woke up this morning and could barely see. I essentially have two black eyes, minus the black. And I couldn’t get any solid sleep last night because a) I kept crying and b) my head was pounding from crying. I’m really glad I a have a huge presentation today. Good timing.
My opinion doesn’t matter. What I think doesn’t matter. How I feel doesn’t matter.
But there is a huge mistake being made.
Thus, I am going to withdraw, and learn to deal with it. That’s all I can do at this point. That and hope to God that I can get through today without bawling.
This is the antithesis of cool.
Five months of mistakes, of agony, of mishaps, of learning. Five months of hard, painful work. For what?
I’m back to square one, kids, only this time I think it’s worse. And this is for realsies.
People say that a heart can’t break. They say that it’s just an organ, that it has nothing do to with the emotion of love. Someone, however, that has felt the unbearable ache, the wash of overwhelming agony between their breasts, that person would disagree. I disagree. A heart can break. And I know, all the same, what I have to do is pick up the pieces and move on. But all I can do is sit here, tears streaming, and look around at the aftermath. There’s so many pieces and so much blood. I don’t know if I have the energy or the strength to do this again. Again.
I mean this, and you can doubt it if you want. But some of the best lessons are the most difficult to learn:
I will never love again.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
This odd mixture of emotions is getting the better of me, and sometimes it feels as though the only way to go on living with even the most minute type of normalcy is to completely ostracize myself. It’s like the only way I can do okay or be okay is to limit my interaction with the rest of the social world. Which is odd in itself, as I’m craving company. I’m stuck in a horrific conundrum, and I don’t want to play anymore.
I have so much to do, and I don’t feel like I have the time to do it. I have obligations and constraints, and there simply is not enough time in the day without my running myself completely ragged. Break cannot come soon enough. And even then, I have to try to get a lot of work done during the break as well. Huzzah.
Things have started to happen, also, that bother me. I’m not upset, I’m not mad, I’m just…irritated. I feel like I’m struggling to empty my already overflowing plate, and shit just keeps being shovelled onto it. Please, please, leave me alone! I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I feel like I’ve been doing okay lately, you know, being responsible and whatnot, and getting things taken care of, but that’s academically. Once academics and my life start raping me up the ass, I start to get a little flustered. And a little flustered can easily turn into a lot flustered.
I just want to go home. I want to be done with some of the shit I am in the middle of (fortunately, some of it will be out of the way before the week is up) and get on with it. I want to get on with it.
I found me again. It’s odd, because due to the situation, I’m not all that happy. But I am happy. I’m that girl who I used to be, but better. I’m bright. I laugh. I radiate. And it’s so much better than how I used to be. And my first thought when I realized this was that it’s too bad that He isn’t around to experience it, and isn’t interested anyway.
Because I’m the type of girl he’d fall in love with. All over again.
Mostly, I’m just checked out on the shit that doesn’t matter. The small stuff doesn’t even roll off, because I don’t let it touch me. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to freak the fuck out about things that are inconsequential or out of my control.
I’m better now. I wish the people I want and need to see that actually would.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
I feel strange. It’s an odd mixture of emotions and I can’t seem to put my finger on one individually.
For some strange reason, the change in the weather makes the missing that much worse. It’s bothersome.
I’ve realized lately that I’m going through withdrawals. I knew it was going to happen, but it’s set it pretty violently lately. I miss watching movies. I don’t remember the last time I just cuddled up and watched one. And I want to. Badly. It’s one of the few things I really enjoy doing, and I can’t ever or don’t ever get to do it. It’s kind of breaking me down.
quarterlife was talking to me today about some problems she’s been having, and it make me consider some things that I was aware of but that hadn’t fully settled in realistically. Then they did and I felt like a douche.
I can’t wait to go home. There are so many people I want to see. Plus, maybe I’ll get to reclaim my house, and my couch, and watch a movie.
Oh, and a warning for some of you (I’m not going to name names): there will be hugs. Fierce ones.
I’m lonely.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, WTF?, Well shit
I want to vomit violently to rid myself of the feeling lodged in my gut. It’s 20% hangover and 80% guilt.
I’m doing so well at not being a fucking prostitute, but I still make stupid choices, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of all this bullshit. I’m tired of drama, I’m tired of masking how shitty I feel all the time, I’m tired of having quasi-friends.
So, why don’t I do something about it, right? There’s only so much I can do. I can’t force people to like me. I can’t force myself to move on from something my heart won’t let go of. I can only fake it for so long before I have a complete meltdown. I think that’s when I start to make the stupid choices. And I’m not so sure it’s just because of the alcohol.
On the upside, I found a ride home for break. So that’s good.
Also, I feel like total shit. I can’t stop shaking. I wasn’t ready.
Filed under: Fuck, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, PISSED, WTF?, Well shit
You make me scream.
On the inside.
I have so much that I just stuff down, because I know it’s old. It’s tired. It’s worn out, and no one wants to hear it anymore. But fuck it.
I STILL LOVE YOU. It’s not going away. You can fuck her all you want. She can make stupid comments on your Facebook. You can have a crush on her and want to date her. It doesn’t change the ferocity with which I love you. Period. I do everything I can to make it go away. I stuff it down. I ignore it. I stifle it the best I can.
Get out of me. Go away. I can’t do this anymore. And it’s your fucking fault.
I’m so tired. I’m. So. Tired.
Fuck this noise. I’m out.
Edit: this reads really, really rude and bitter. I can’t deny some bitterness, but I guarantee, text skews intent. Period. I don’t mean to be a bitch, or to be instigative or whatnot. I’m just expressing myself. And sometimes the interwebs are not the best medium. But I don’t have a lot of options. My apologies to anyone offended. Get at me and I will clarify.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
In an up and down kind of way, I beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I’m fairly certain that I think too much.
I miss He a lot lately, usually at night. And I do my damnedest to leave him alone. He doesn’t need me.
I’m stuck. I’m happy, but I’m not happy. It’s like being content because you have Jell-o, but it’s not the flavor you wanted. So it’s good, but it’s not as good as it could be. I’m stuck wanting things that I can’t have. Why do I do this to myself? Unobtainable.
I’m starting to freak the fuck out, kids, because it’s crunch time, especially in Senior Seminar, and I’m not making the progress I feel like I should be making. I have no clue how the hell to even begin the presentation that’s due in a week. I have a presentation for another class in roughly a month, on a book that I haven’t even begun to think about reading. On top of it all, I just want to go home for break, and I have no way to get there at the moment. And I’m not sure I’m going to find a way. Balls.
I don’t even know how to say all the things I want to say. I feel emotionally retarded.
Filed under: Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I don’t know what I need to do differently (well, I suppose I do), but something has got to change. I’m getting really tired of getting up to go work out and being struck with the overwhelming need to vomit. So I dry heave a bunch, and then go lift weights, and dry heave a bunch, and then come back to my room, and then go to Bodysculpting, and dry heave a bunch, and work out, and then go actually puke (it’s mostly just bile, which, let me tell you, is tons of fun), and then work out more. Today I felt like I was going to pass out, and there were pretty little stars floating around in my field of vision for the better part of the class.
I know I just need to eat more, specifically breakfast, but it’s really hard, because eating breakfast makes me throw up, too (yes, I’ve tried it). I eat really well when I do eat, I just don’t do it often enough, I suppose. My dad seems to be pretty concerned about it, because I called him to ask him about what I could do or what was going on, and he asks me every time we talk if I’m still puking.
I suppose it’s the price you pay to look good? I can’t even really tell if anything is changing for me body-wise. I seem to have plateaued at 150, which is kind of depressing, but my pants are also too big for me, and there’s definition in my biceps and shoulders/back. I suppose living in my body makes it hard for me to judge the changes, if in fact there are many/any.
I really want someone to come cuddle with me and watch a movie.
And it’s been FAR too long since I’ve had sex or done anything even close to it. It’s good, but oh, oh, so fucking bad.
I want to go home. Two weeks.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I preface this with a sigh, because that is all I have.
My body aches. My mind aches. Everything aches. Everything is tired. I’m ready for this semester, at very least, to be over.
I haven’t had sex in a month, and though I take pride in that, it’s also extremely frustrating, in more ways than I care to address at current.
I’m going to run out of money, and that’s okay, I guess, but again, frustrating.
I really just want to get all my shit done so I can sit around with some “friends” and drink some beer and refuckinglax.
More when I actually have time.
Filed under: Fuck
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I stumbled. People keep telling me that I’m too hard on myself, but I have an idea of how I want to be, and I’m not sticking to it very well. Granted, kissing isn’t sex. And it was very brief. But it still makes me look back and cringe. My stomach flip-flops. It’s a really harsh moment of “shit.“
But that’s okay. Because I have a lot to do in order to actually get the hell out of here. I have a lot of goals that I really, really want to reach, and I’m going to. Period.
Because I want it that badly.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Stephen King wrote that, and it just kind of stuck with me.
Some day, I’m going to learn that loving myself is more important than loving someone else, especially when it is thrown in my face that I’m wasting (and possibly had wasted) my time.
Some day, I’m going to wake up and look in the mirror and believe that I’m as beautiful as I think I am on the inside.
Some day, I’m going to fix all the things I’ve broken, including myself.
I’m doing better lately. I resist temptations, or at least the ones that I know will get me into trouble or lead me to something I know I will regret. I’m angsty and sad and bitter, but I’m doing okay. Or at least very close to okay, most of the time. I think stupid amounts of physical activity helps.
I refuse to believe that I am a bad person, but I feel like I am. And I’m exhausted. I’m tired of feeling nothing but negative things about myself as a result of everything with He. It’s stupid. But I can’t bring myself to change it. I don’t really know how. Some of it is in his hands, I suppose, and it’s all such clusterfuckery that it doesn’t matter.
It never really mattered.
Some day, I’m going to have the strength to rise from the ashes and begin anew.
I am beautiful and brilliant. I am a good friend and a good person, and I am overlooked.
I don’t want to do it all over with someone else. That’s part of my problem, I think. I don’t want it with anyone else. I never asked for marriage. I never asked for forever. I never asked for much.
I’m sorry I couldn’t show you how much I love(d) you. And it’s not that I didn’t. I couldn’t. And now that I can, you don’t care.
I have so much to say, and no one to say it to.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit, Why why why?
I’ve really got to learn to stop.
It’s a downward spiral, and I don’t have anyone to pull me out of it, so I have to just work like hell to help myself. It’s incredibly hard, frustrating, and often unsuccessful. I’m tired of regressing back after I start doing so well. I think I’m almost out and then I get sucked in even deeper.
I’m just tired of this shit. I’m tired of feeling worthless or meaningless. I’m tired of being afraid.
Someone punch me in the face, and tell me that I’m an idiot. I can’t even learn from my mistakes, as I keep making the same ones over and over and over again.
I’m sure it will all be okay.
The question is when?
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, SEXXX, Why why why?
What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Doing.
I need to knock this shit off, and pronto.
Apparently, I don’t have the willpower I seem to think I have. God. Damn it.
This is coming to an end. I need to stop drinking, period.
I have better things to do.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not entirely sure how I feel, or what I’m doing, or what I’m supposed to feel, or what I’m supposed to be doing, but I am resolute.
Thing have to change, at very least. I’ve gotten a handle on my uncharacteristic behaviors, with few slip-ups, and I intend to keep improving in that respect. I’m tired of having to torture myself the next day for actions that were ill-thought out or too quickly adhered to. It’s not so much what I’m doing, but why I’m doing it. So, I suppose, it’s actually both. Either way, I’m too exhausted to do it to myself anymore. I have far too much going on as it is, and I don’t need to focus my energy on how stupid I’ve been. I need to just knock it off. Developing self-esteem and self-respect should not be as difficult as I seem to be making it, nor should it happen in the ways I am endeavoring to achieve it. I believe that I can be happy without placating myself with a false sense of validation from temporary physical benefits. What I want cannot be substituted, and I need to make sure I remember that before I take my pants off, or whatever.
What I really need to do is buckle down and focus on school. It, on top of everything else going on in my life, is kicking my ass, and the apathy I feel toward it is not conducive to my success. It’s tricky for me, because I’m attempting to build myself a social network to inhibit the lonliness that consumes me, but that shouldn’t take away from the time I devote to school. And it does. So, apparently I need to work on that as well.
The frustrating part is that there is so much that needs to be done, and I am fully aware of it, and willing to do it, but I am so exhausted from having not done it that all I really want is to do nothing. Just lay in bed and sleep it all away. Because in bed, everything somehow seems better, minus the empty space next to me. Lonliness is like a violent rapist. There is no real struggle, because it just overpowers you. The more you attempt to struggle, or fight it off, the more it seems to enjoy violating you. The worse it gets. I’ve kind of taken to just laying there and letting it happen. Just get it over with. The real trouble comes from what results, the heaviness. I feel pregnant with the seed, the burden of lonliness. Abort, abort.
That is all, for now. I ache with the need to purge, but I need to find the words.
Filed under: Fuck
I want to rip my heart out of my chest.
I’m done.
I don’t need it.
Fuck this.
I don’t want to feel like this.
Filed under: Fuck
I’m discontent, and I’m tired of it.
I am doing better, but I’m not doing good, and that’s frustrating.
The situation with He is frustrating.
The new drama with Other is frustrating.
I have a problem with He and Other, but it’s stupid, and I can readily admit that. I don’t need drama and bullshit in my life, and neither do they, so I wish we could all just handle it like adults. I wish she would just realize that she’s already won, and there’s nothing for her to take issue with…ever. You won, okay? It’s really hard for me to stomach, but I don’t have a choice, and I don’t hold it against anyone but myself. So I don’t deal with it wonderfully all the time. I lost the man I love and my best friend, and I don’t always know how to take that while maintaining my composure.
It’s not an easy path I’m on. That’s all I’m saying.
It’s not a competition. So why am I competing? It’s not a fight. So what am I fighting for?
Ugh.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
It’s a strange situation, really.
I’m fine so long as I’m not thinking about it.
And then I’m alone, and the world comes crashing down, and I’m sick to my stomach, and I can’t handle anything, and I want to freak out or punch someone or rip my hair out.
This is the dumbest bullshit I have ever dealt with. EVER.
And then I take it out on He, just because I blame him for how I feel, which is also dumb, but I can’t help it, because I’m so fucking bitter about the fact that I can’t make him love me. I want to do something huge, something epic, something amazing that will show him how important this is to me, how badly I want him, how different I am and it could be. But I feel like even if I walked through fire, it wouldn’t be enough. Nothing I do is going to be enough, and I don’t know how to deal with that. There’s a lot of complicated shit that goes with that, and I just…ugh. I can’t handle it.
Fuck my life. I’m doing okay, though. That’s good.
I think I’ve got roughly three guys “interested” in me, and that’s…difficult. I’ve been doing fairly well with staving off using them, though, and that’s good. I hang out with them, because they’re cool guys, but I’m not going to allow myself to give in to their interests purely so that I can feel better about how desperately unwanted and worthless I feel. Just because I ache to be wanted, loved, whatever, doesn’t mean I’m going to take advantage, regardless of what their motives are or how pure their intentions are. It’s just not something I want to do. Ever.
I’m tired of making everyone else miserable.
Moving on to step two.
Oh, and also, my phone isn’t here yet, and if it doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to fucking RAGE. Because I have to go to Verizon to get the service switched over, and if I don’t get there before they close…oh my god. So grumpy.
Filed under: Fuck
I want to throw up.
Seriously, my stomach just did some sort of flip-flop writhing contortion, and I want to puke.
Or I want to hurt someone. Certain someone. A lot. A lot a lot.
I’m so sick of this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Meh, Oh NOES, Well shit
I made a small breakthrough last night!
I didn’t make out with anyone. I didn’t do anything sexual. I did show one person my goodies, but that’s better than showing everyone, which it seems like I’ve been doing. So there’s that.
I’m feeling okay about things lately. I don’t know if it’s because I found a friend, or because I’m coming to some sort of piece with my hope, or because I’m tired of fucking myself over…but I’m feeling okay. It’s pretty nice.
I’m thinking it will all be okay.
And then I remember why I’m going home this weekend. FML.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Inspired, My heart hurts, Well shit, Yays!
Today was a good day.
Aside from feeling like shit about what I’ve been doing.
Which I’m not doing anymore. Day one: success.
I even got quite a bit accomplished in terms of homework. So, I’m pretty content with that.
There was a little rough spot, but it was just a twinge of sadness in response to the email from He’s mom. It’s nice to talk to her. She’s a little crazy, but I love her, and I miss her a lot. I miss all of it a lot. So, that was a hill to get over, but I did.
I’m looking into counceling. Thinking maybe I’ll find some time to make myself better. I’m not going to get over He, and I’m not sure that’s the goal I need to set. I think I need to concentrate on fucking taking care of myself before I set any epic goals. I’m getting this shit figured out. Day one, but I’m making progress. Baby steps.
The first step to getting over a problem is admitting you have one. Uh, epic check.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I need to knock it the fuck off.
What the fuck am I doing to myself?
I don’t know if it’s alcohol, or just my blatant disregard for myself due to a lack of self-respect, but I am doing things that aren’t characteristic of me. Again. Granted, some part of me does want to do them, hence why I do, but I don’t think that they are things that are conducive to my getting better. I’m okay, I think, for the most part. And then…and then I do something that makes me feel cheap and disgusting the next morning, and I’m sick to my stomach with guilt, and I’m not sure why I feel guilty at all. Because I know it’s wrong? Because I know I probably shouldn’t have done it, and whatever reason I have FOR doing it isn’t good enough? “Because I wanted to” isn’t a good enough reason for me. It is, but it’s not.
I feel like I’ve lost my fucking mind, and that’s the hard part. I’m on a quick road to destruction, and I need to grab the wheel and pull a sharp U-turn. And I recognize that, but don’t seem to be able to do it just yet. I feel like I should withdraw from the world, because my participation in it is doing me more harm than good at this point.
It’s time, for real-real, to get my shit in order.
It starts today.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I think I’ve finally reached the breaking point.
It has all culminated into one brilliant, disgusting moment, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with myself. And I don’t really know how to go about cleaning up the mess I’ve become, or the messes I’ve made.
I need to stop. Just…stop, period. I do things that make me look back and cringe. I behave in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of me, just because I can. I’ve gotten far too out of control. And it’s time to rein myself in. I don’t like the way things are going, and thus, and I have to do something about it.
The image that keeps coming into my head is that I’ve been fighting against a whirlpool. It had been pulling at me, harder and harder, and I had been swimming against it, exhausted, trying to keep myself out of it, every stroke draining me. And it just seems like I either finally lost the battle, or I just gave in, and now I’m swirling down, down, down, and if I don’t do something, I’m going to drown.
At what point am I going to start taking my own advice?
Too many unanswered questions, kids. That’s my problem.
How the fuck do I get over He when part of me wants to hold out?
And should I really hold out when there’s no guarantee?
Ugh. I’m going to do some homework now. I’m sure I’ll post again later.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Sometimes I feel like my best option is to withdraw from myself. Lonliness has become my closest and most endearing friend, and I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s one of those friendships that you don’t particularly enjoy, but you can’t really bring yourself to get out of, because no matter where you go or what you do, that friend is there, tagging along. You don’t really like this friend, but at least you have one, and you’re afraid to give that up. Lonliness is bullying me, but I don’t have the balls to stand up to it.
Something happened tonight that knocked the air out of me. I sort of saw it coming, but I guess I didn’t believe myself. I don’t think the situation is quite as bad as I am allowing myself to feel about it, but it’s still pretty shitty, and I don’t want to have to deal with the emotional repercussions. I know that I made a lot of mistakes over the summer. But I don’t believe that I am the kind of person that will do things simply for emotional or physical gratification, nor am I the type of girl that appreciates being called just for sex. He didn’t get what he wanted, but I am still left feeling cheap and disgusted with myself. How do I enable myself to get into these situations?
I feel like life keeps dealing me a really shitty hand. I know I bitch a lot, but come on, really? I’m down to play the game, I’d just really like to win every now and then, you know?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
I feel like I’ve come to some sort of stand-still in my life. I’ve been so caught up in the whirlwind, and now I’m standing completely still, the world whooshing around me, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve gotten this far, but what’s next? Where do I go from here? I’m not sure I want to rejoin that hectic, chaotic movement. I can breathe in my stasis. That’s the thing about standing still, though. I’m doing it alone. So as nice as it is to breathe, it’s like inhaling a slow poison. I can enjoy it right now, but eventually, it’s going to kill me.
I’m terrified that I have taught myself to be ingenuine. I feel very unhappy most of the time, but I can put on a happy face and act completely normal, even when I want to break down. The only person that it doesn’t happen with is He, and I hate that. I’m wasting my time. I’m wasting my energy. I’m wasting my feelings. It really feels like high school all over again, where I find myself completely in love with someone that barely notices me. That’s kind of a harsh way to represent the situation, but that’s the meat of it. I guess I’m just tired of being…defective. It’s like I’m some sort of fucked up Midas, except rather than gold, everything I touch turns to shit. And I shouldn’t feel this way, because I’m not the same. Even my friends have told me that I’m vastly different now than I was even 6 months ago. And I am. I am. I know I am. Why is it that the one person I want to see that, doesn’t?
I’m exhausted. I want one good day. One whole day that is so good that I don’t even have time to think about being down about anything. I do my best to make that happen, but I guess there’s only so much I can do. There’s only so much I can avoid thinking about. And there’s only so much supression I can handle.
I am what I am. I am flawed, I am stubborn, I am absurd.
I still deserve to be happy.
I still deserve to be loved.
I think I deserve a chance.
Just when you think things can’t get worse, they do.
I was already having a pretty difficult day, as most have been for the past few months. Boyz texted me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk, and I figured hell, why not. So we go for a walk, and we both realize that we’re pretty fucking discontent, depressed, used up, what have you. I express to her that I just want to watch a movie. I want to engross myself in something other than my own misery for a change. So we walk to her apartment and watch a movie, and that’s all fine and good minus the excrutiating lonliness it unleashes in me, and when I get back to my room, I get on the computer and the first thing that happens is a friend facebook messages me.
A girl I went to high school and was semi-close with killed herself over the weekend. At first I thought it was a joke. When her sister messages me and says oh hey, you knew her, right, well, she died this weekend…I ask her if she’s kidding.
She’s not.
Something forced its way into my chest and wrapped itself around my heart and is squeezing. There was already a lot of pressure there, and the thing is about to burst. If it’s not the shit going on with He, it’s my friends dying young. She was 20 fucking years old. She was going back to school. She was getting her shit in order. Why? Why the hell do things like this happen?
On top of the sadness I feel at her departure, I’m scared. It is a fucking reality check. Why?
Two nights ago I sat in front of this very screen, razor blade in hand. I pressed it against my arm. I held it there. I thought about it. I spent about half an hour staring at the two, at the flesh pressing up around the blade. And I wanted to do it. I thought about doing it. I needed to do it. I let up the pressure and dragged it slowly across my arm, not drawing blood, but giving myself an idea – a memory – of what it felt like. All I could think about was how heavy I was, how exhausted, how I didn’t want to carry it all around anymore. I just wanted to purge. I wanted to get it out. I was in fucking high school again and I just needed some way to make the pain cease, if only briefly.
I don’t want to end up dead just because I’m sad.
I don’t…I…I can’t even do this.
Monica, you will be missed. You were a wonderful person. Like the rest of us, you had your problems. You had your faults, your hardships, and your hangups, but you deserved to be happy. I hope that you have found that happiness and that you can bask in it forever. I love you.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m having some.
I’m not sure I want to be friends with He. I mean, I know I do, but I don’t think it’s working out for me at this point. I’m at serious unease. Sometimes, I feel perfectly fine about things. But that’s in certain situations. The majority of the time, I’m kind of sick to my stomach. I’m annoyed. The entire thing is trying my patience, and I don’t really know how much more and I can endure. I think I’m subjecting myself to things that aren’t helping me in any way.
He’s fucking using me.
That’s my radtastic fucking epiphany for the day. Pretty stoked about it.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
I heard that you’ve been asking ’bout me,
least that’s the word out on the street.
I just don’t know what to believe.
Why was I dumb enough to leave?
I saw you with him today.
The boy who took my place.
You seemed so much happier with me,
Or maybe that’s just the way I wanted it to be.
But it’s just another one of those days
The way you made it feel so right
The way you fit into my arms at night
I’ll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.
But it’s just another one of those days.
Can’t help but feel a little upset,
about the things you and I never had.
I had the world but instead I threw it all away.
Now it’s just another one of those days.
So tell me what happens next.
It’s out of my hands I guess.
I just don’t know what to believe.
Why don’t you tell me to believe?
Why did you let me leave?
It’s not the way its gotta be.
What’s wrong with me?
Why don’t you tell me to believe?
Why did you let me leave?
It’s not the way this has to be.
But it’s just another one of those days
The way you made it all feel so right
The way you fit into my arms tonight.
I’ll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.
But it’s just another one of those days.
You can’t help but be a little upset,
About the things you and I never had.
I had the world but instead I threw it all away.
Now it’s just another one of those days.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, WTF?
I’m in love with my ex-boyfriend.
Someone teach me to get over it.
I can’t bear the thought of her near him.
My stomach turns. It shouldn’t, but it does.
How do I let go?
Someone, please. Tell me.
Help me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Why why why?
I don’t think I really like where I’m at right now.
And that in itself is a problem, because I don’t know where the fuck I am.
My best friend is my ex-boyfriend, and I loathe him as much as I love him.
I don’t know what to do about the situation, because no matter what, I find myself repressing a whole lot of emotion. Just talking to him is a conundrum because it makes me feel better, but it brings about a whole lot of things that make me worse. It’s like cough syrup. You know it’s going to make you feel better, but you still choke and want to vomit. I don’t have any idea how to get around it all, and I’m tired of it being a clusterfuck. And it only is for me, and that’s what infuriates me even more. I feel so incredibly stupid, because I know my heart is directing me one way, the wrong way, and I’m trying to follow. It’s pure idiocy. I want to punch myself in the face.
Oh – random: I’ve realized that there is so much bitter resentment built up about it that I haven’t dealt with that I’m going to explode. I don’t know when, I don’t know on whom, but I know it’s going to happen. I can feel the lid of the pot starting to rattle under the pressure of the boiling. I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t care how I am or am not supposed to feel, it’s fucked up.
I’m having a really difficult time convincing myself that he’s not still mine, which is so fucking stupid I can’t even comprehend it. I get jealous and possessive and a whole laundry list of stupid things that I have no right (and absolutely no fucking reason) to feel. It shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t be like this.
I just miss him so damned much. In every way. And it’s killing me, because I think I’m stuck in some sort of false reality, and it is not serving me well. Not at all.
I’d like to shoot myself in the face.
Filed under: Fuck
No matter what I do, I feel guilty.
In the back of my head, He’s there, and I can’t get him out.
He’s not my boyfriend anymore! He’s happy about that, and I’m not, but I know that he is, so why do I subject myself to feeling the way I feel all the time?
Guh. I can’t do this right now.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
I’m quickly tiring of the rollercoaster. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m growing weary of the ups and downs.
One night I’m so desperately miserable that I have mutliple panic attacks and can barely keep my eyes open due to the amount of crying I’m doing. The next night, I feel fine. What is this?
Maybe it’s just because I distract myself with schoolwork. Or maybe I just tell myself that because on some level, I’m afraid that maybe I am starting to get over it and I’m not sure I’m ready/willing to.
Truth? I have no fucking idea what’s going on. And I might be okay with that.
Maybe.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
There are moments in my life that make me step back and look at my past self and cringe.
I’m not a perfect person.
I’ve made mistakes.
He and I had a conversation today that kind of shook me up. I’ve gotten to the point where I say that I don’t give a fuck what people think about me, which is true, but I guess He added a preface to it. As long as it’s not someone that I care a lot about and that means more to me than almost anything, I don’t give a fuck what people think about me. Sometimes it’s really hard to have someone you love say terrible things to you, especially when they’re (for the most part) true. It’s not easy at all. And not pleasant, either.
I just wanted to throw that out there. I’ve got a lot more, I just…I have things to do.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit
I am tired.
My body hurts.
My heart is conflicted.
My mind is overloaded.
I want to sleep for days.
But I want there to be someone there with me.
I think I’ve been doing pretty well with ignoring how lonely I am. Some nights are worse than others, though, especially when I feel the way I do. There is nothing I would love more than to be able to crawl into bed, cover myself in the warmth of someone’s arms, and sleep. I’m sure it’s He I miss, and his embrace, but at the same time, I kind of want to punch him in the face. Like, I want to punch him in the face and then cuddle with him. Get it out of my system and then bask in some sort of false reality.
What was will never be.
That’s hard for me.
And I don’t know why.
I was fucking happy, that’s why. And if one more person tries to tell me that I wasn’t, I’m going to freak out. I’m pretty sure I know better than anyone else how I felt. Regardless. It’s just one more awesome obstacle I have to hurdle.
I’m getting tired of jumping. Jumping hurdles. Jumping obstacles. Jumping through hoops. When do I just get to be? When do I get to just move on? He’s doing it, why can’t I? Why do I have to keep falling back down? My body is going to tire of the abuse, and I can’t do anything about it. What’s going to happen when I fall and can’t get back up again? What then?
I try not to think about it. Because I do keep getting back up. I don’t fall a lot; I mostly stumble. But I do fall. And my knees are bloody and ragged. It hurts to pick myself up and keep going. But I have to. It’s over.
It’s over.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Want to know the truth?
I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend.
He is still the most attractive guy I know.
I have no reason to be shy in saying that I want to fuck the hell out of him. Even without his encouragement.
I am a fucking idiot, and I would love to hear you tell me differently.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
So, I’m going to be honest here.
Some days, I feel pretty good. I can keep the demons at bay, or they don’t even bother to wake up at all, and I have a decent time. I function, I can breathe, everything goes well. These are good days, and I feel like I’m okay, like I’m on the path to being totally okay. Like somehow maybe the whole evolution thing really is going to pan out, and I’m on my way to standing on my own two feet. I like these days.
Other days (mostly nights) I fall down. I fall down hard. These are bad days. The demons hold me down and choke the air out of me and I feel like I can’t do anything. It literally feels like I’m losing my mind, because everything becomes so overwhelming that I can’t breathe. I cry so hard that I can’t see straight, I can’t think, I can’t do anything. Pretty much the epitome of not fucking cool.
The truth:
There are days (nights) when I miss He so much that I feel like the world is collapsing on top of me.
I am still deeply, hopelessly, painfully in love with He. I can’t turn it off.
I feel like I threw away the best thing that ever did and possibly ever will happen to me.
He is my best friend, and that is not helpful at all. When you need to turn to someone and your best friend is also the source of your pain, things don’t exactly work out.
There isn’t a single thing on this campus that doesn’t make me think of He.
Sometimes I have to stop myself from calling He and asking if he wants to go to the Admin lawn and throw a frisbee around. It’s like I’ve forgotten.
I guess that’s the nutshell version. I don’t want to go in-depth because I’ve done pretty well with not having a complete meltdown today, minus when He called me and then later when my dad called. At some point I just have to take a breath and tell myself to knock it off. The only way things are going to change is if I start to get the fuck over it. Regression’s going to happen, that’s natural. But I feel like somehow my path to recovery is flawed, and in some way, I’m repressing things. Because when the regression into misery finally hits, it hits hard. It’s debilitating.
I need some sort of giant switch so I can shut myself off sometimes. That or I need the part of my brain removed that’s devoted to He. It’s nearly inexplicable. I want so desperately to explain it, but even in my head, it sounds pathetic.
I won’t be that girl.
Edit:
There’s also this. It’s very, very rough, but I think I kind of like it. It will go somewhere eventually.
I was the apple no one wanted
perhaps because I was difficult to see
perhaps because I was difficult to reach
but you climbed
and climbed
and kept climbing
because you wanted me
your mouth watered for me
you had to have me
and you worked so hard
for so long
and then you touched me
you reached me
you picked me
and I was rotten.
I was spoiled.
I filled your mouth with bitterness
and maggots.
And I thought
you threw me away
when you let me fall from your grasp
before I realized
I discarded you
by not being sweet
and juicy
and filling you with the flavor
you had so longed for.
I loved being yours but
I bruised my skin
I yellowed my insides
I became disgusting
because I knew I could never be
the taste that you deserved.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Okay, so maybe I’m a goddamned liar. Maybe I just get far too optimistic sometimes. Maybe, just maybe, I really don’t handle being lonley very well. I truly want to believe that I am okay without He up here, and that would be a whole lot easier if I could keep myself occupied. Because it’s turning into an issue. It’s not just missing him. It’s not just feeling like something about being up here is off, missing, incomplete. It’s not just being kind of sad that we’re broken up and everything – everything – is different. It’s that I start thinking back, back to when we broke up, and I start getting sad/hurt/angry again. I go out of my way not to call He and ask him why the fuck he replaced me. And then I have to battle with myself in order to convince myself that he didn’t replace me, no matter what it feels like. Just because there is absolutely no other way I can feel about the situation doesn’t mean that that’s how it is. And mostly, I’m just fucking irate because I swear to JESUS I thought I was over this horseshit. So, in a nutshell, I am trying really hard to just not think about anything pertaining to He at all. Which is difficult. But I’m doing my best, and it’s going to get better. It’s going to get better. I refuse to allow this shit to happen again.
So. I’m not entirely sure that any of that made sense or even came out the way I wanted it to, but I had to fucking vomit it out somewhere, because I’m having a difficult time this morning. I know there’s going to be a problem when I go to bed in a decent mood and wake up feeling much less than 100%. I feel like some part of me had a super delayed reaction and is just now going through the grieving process. Which really isn’t cool. I’m exhausted with being sad at all, about anything. Especially anything regarding He.
I find myself stifling bitterness.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?, Yays!
The last couple of days have been…rough…I suppose I would say. I’ve been having miniature internal meltdowns almost every night, and sometimes they spill out and I have to talk to someone. Most recently it’s been my parents, and I told He, and all three of them have told me that I need to just calm down. I’m sure they are right, but it’s still sort of difficult because some of the things I am stressing about are terrifying. It takes a lot of energy for me to just shove it to the back of my mind so that I can function like a normal human being.
I’m back in the ’scow, and initially, I was really happy about it. I realized that I really do like it up here. And then, while sitting in my dorm room, being bored out of my mind (my roommate is like, an exchange student or something from Ecuador, and isn’t in our room all that much because she has to go to meetings and stuff…or something), I had a mini-panic attack. I guess. Sort of. The brain took me on a magical journey to Misery Swamp, and all I could think about was He, and how hard it’s going to be up here without him, and blah blah blah blah blah. And then I just got sad because we are broken up, which is stupid, and so I just sat here and cried like a little baby for a while and then took a deep breath and knocked it the fuck off. It is going to be a huge change without He up here, not only because we’re not together anymore, but because he was the doorway to friendships and social gatherings for me. I’m pretty sure that none of the guys in his house actually have a whole lot of interest in being my friend or hanging out with me, and the only reason that they ever did was because I was He’s girlfriend. It’s kind of depressing, but I guess it’s just an opportunity for me to make more friends or something by myself. I guess I just need to adjust a little bit better rather than feeling sorry for myself, which it seems like is what I am doing.
On the upside, I figured out how to get connected to the internet all by myself. I’m pretty proud of that, because last year I had to have He do it because I had all sorts of problems with it. I got it done in like, an hour (technically it was like, five minutes, but I’m counting the time that I spent in the computer lab AFTER I registered the connection). I know it’s silly, but it’s a small triumph for me personally. I guess you’d have to be me to understand. It’s liberating? Because I didn’t need He to do it for me. It seems cruel or harsh or mean, maybe, but I guess I like that I am capable of doing things that I needed He for before. It makes me feel like I’m getting my independence back, and that’s a good thing. I hope. I just need to cling to that, because truthfully, for the last…oh…4-5 hours I’ve been missing He terribly.
I’m hoping that this year is fantastic. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that it is, but who knows what hand life plans on dealing me?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not sure I should even be doing this right now, because I have been far too contemplative and somewhat down for the past couple of days. I guess I just want to dump it out.
I was so gloriously okay, and then new information rears its ugly head, and I feel myself teetering on the edge of misery. I refuse to feel the way I felt before, and I don’t think I do. But some part of me has such a difficult time dealing with the situation, particularly because of some of the finer details. And it would be so much easier to deal with if people didn’t use bullshit excuses to validate the things they’ve done. Maybe that’s just me, but regardless, it’s bothersome. My biggest problem at this point is that some part of me is clinging so desperately to it all, and really, I don’t care that much. I don’t want to care. None of it is my business, and I don’t want it to be. I just don’t know how to turn myself off. It’s okay, but it’s not fucking okay. It’s driving me crazy. So most of the time, I prefer to just not think abotu it. I’m not really sure what’s going on with me, and that’s infuriating because I was doing so well, and now I feel as though I’m slipping.
I can’t wait to leave. I’ve loved the past few weeks here, hanging out with people and having a good time and whatnot, but I’m ready to remove myself from the situation. I think distance will help me put the finishing touches on distancing myself completely in terms of emotions, and that is a huge part of all my shit right now, I think.
I’ll do this again later. I really don’t have it in me right now. I’m not even sure any of this makes sense.
I’m going to go ahead and say this, and in some brevity, because I really need to go to bed.
I do not, nor will I ever appreciate people saying fucked up things about me or making assumptions about me without actual knowledge or information. It is hurtful and childish and completely unnecessary. At this point it just blows my fucking mind that this is even an issue.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not 100% on how I feel at the moment, and that pisses me off. Even when I was sitting around by myself, I still felt good. And then He comes along and fucks it up. Derails me. I’m struggling to not let it bother me, and I’m doing a decent job, but I can feel myself slipping. I’m not sure what to do to stop it. I refuse to let myself be brought down again. I worked so hard to get where I am and I will NOT let him bring me down anymore. Every time I start dwelling on it, I just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell myself I deserve better. Shitty things happen to good people, sometimes.
I’m having a hard time not feeling like perhaps I am too needy with my new friends. I enjoy hanging out with them, but at some point last week I just stopped texting them because I felt like I was being too much. People need space. Shirt just texted me, and that made me feel nice, because I didn’t have to make the effort. It pisses me off that I feel this way because I know WHY I feel this way and I shouldn’t have to. That’s why I’m so irritated that I’m bothered by the stupid shit with He. It affects everything in my life in terms of my behavior, and I don’t need that to happen. I don’t want it to happen. I’m not going to let it happen. Jesusfuck.
I cannot WAIT until Thursday rolls around. I’m going to rectify the way I’m feeling by uttering a silent “FUCK YOU” to all the drama, and I’m going to go to the Gator and have the time of my life, like I always do. That’s where my happy lies; in the people, the spirits, and the sheer fun that lingers there.
