Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, Meh, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
I’m not sure what the right phrasing is for what I feel. And I feel it intensely when I’m drunk.
I have a boyfriend that my father LIKES. I mean…LIKES. I dated He for FOUR YEARS and my dad wouldn’t let him stay the night. My dad has had maybe three minutes total of interaction with Mouth, and yet he agreed to let him stay with us for four days. No holds barred. What the fuck?!? I still can’t wrap my head around it. In fact, I can’t wrap my head around the entire situation. How the fuck did this all happen? I feel swept up, and I haven’t regained my balance.
I have had nothing to do since Friday, and I have been drinking entirely too much. But I did, FINALLY, get some money for books, so that’s nice.
I’m happy, and I still don’t know how to deal with it. I kinda like my boyfriend. A lot. And I refuse to think about that and feel bad about it. Which I sometimes do. I’m aware that this came at a cost. But I didn’t make the sacrifice. I just made the choice. And I’m happy. And finally. Because I deserve it.
That is all, for now. I need sleep.
I’m not really sure when or how this happened, but I’m feeling awfully down. The past few days, despite being completely burdened with my thesis, I’ve been energetic and goofy. And now…now I kind of feel like curling up into a little ball and crying. And I have no reason to. So I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t know how to rid myself of this feeling.
I really, really, really just want to go home. I’m ready to do nothing, or at least nothing related to scholastics, for a month. I’m ready to just lay around and watch movies and be warm. le sigh. I’m just…I’m ready to go home. All I have left to do is polish my thesis, polish another paper, and write a letter. And then I’m done. And I’m utterly bummed because I have no finals, just a “final period” that I don’t actually HAVE to go to. So I get to spend all next week doing nothing when I could go home early, if only I had a vehicle. Shoot me in the face.
Ugh. I feel like crap right now, and I don’t like it. That is all.
Filed under: Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, PISSED, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
So, it has come to my attention recently that the dorms I live in suck ass.
It’s 15 degrees outside. I almost guaranfuckingtee that it’s not much more in my room. Where the fuck is the heat, people? I’m not paying thousands of dollars to live here so I can freeze, and eat shitty food, and have less than adequate housing. Or wait, apparently I am. Fuck.
I’m beginning to get really excited for break. I’ve got to finish my paper for Senior Seminar, rehash one for Modern Fiction, and write a letter of critique. That’s all I’ve got left, really. And then I get to go home. For a month. Homework free. I’m so far beyond ready for that.
Someone tell me how to deal with being happy. I don’t remember the last time I felt this way, and I don’t really know how to handle it. I feel…full. I don’t miss how I was for so many months. The me I am now is so much more amazing for everyone involved. I’m sure other people were sick of the miserable bitchy me, too. Over it.
Ugh. I’m going to try to work on my paper more. I can do this. I have to. I want to graduate and get the fuck out of here.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, My heart hurts, PISSED, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I’ve got to get it all out. I’ve got to, and I’m going to. So fuck it, here goes.
First of all, I really, really, really wish that shit wasn’t the way that it was. That said, shit IS the way it is, and I think we all need to learn how to fucking deal with it like grown-ups. Yeah, maybe I’m a huge fucking hypocrite. I can own up to that. But I also realize a few things. First, I handled this situation (because I was basically in the same one) MUCH better, and I shouldn’t be irritated at the things that are happening are happening, but I am fucking IRATE. This is absurd, childish, and completely unnecessary. It’s always awesome to find out who your real fucking friends are. I realize that the situation is shitty. This leads me to my next realization: life goes on. Fucking, seriously. Shit happens. Relationships end, relationships start. People are people, feelings are feelings. If we all played by the fucking rules all the time, everyone would always be miserable.
Aw, fuck this. And fuck monikers. I’m maxed out.
Jeni – I’m sorry, and I told you I’m sorry. I don’t know what else you want from me. I know I broke the “rule,” and I’m sorry that it cost our friendship, but at some point in life, we all have to do what makes us happy. I was pretty fucking tired of being miserable because I was making other people happy instead. An opportunity to be happy was presented, and I wasn’t going to pass it up. I am, sincerely, deeply sorry that I have hurt you. I am sorry that I betrayed your trust and broke your heart, and all the other horrible things you’re feeling. I understand what you’re going through, and that is why I haven’t contacted you or whatever. But let me tell you this: it is vindictive and stupid that some of our mutual friends have turned against me because of the way you feel about the situation. I’ll deal with it, because frankly, it just speaks volumes about the people in my life that I thought were my friends, but I hope you realize that just because this upsets you, and hurts you, does not mean that you have the right to turn people against me. Yes, I talked to you a lot about John and Rachael. I was hurt and devastated at the situation, much like you are now. But I did NOT attempt to get you to dislike either of them. It is completely inane for someone completely uninvolved in the situation to dislike someone in the situation based on how one of them feels. Disagree with what’s happening, sure. But this…this is just fucking unnecessary, and I expected you to be a bigger person. You want to be mad at me? You want to hate me? You want to talk shit? Go for it. But man up and do it to ME. I’m the one you have a problem with. And I’ve told you countless times that I am willing to take it. I have owned up to what I did. I am not proud of it. I am sorry, again, that it came at the cost of our friendship. But I refuse to feel bad for making a choice that meant taking care of me.
Rachael – This is very difficult for me to say, because truthfully, I do still harbor, at least on some level, negative feelings, but I am sorry. I realize now how awful I was, and how you felt that you were doing nothing wrong. It’s an understandable rule, but it’s stupid, and I’m sorry that I was the way that I was about it. I simply feel like addressing you because I am now in the very situation that I put you in, and I just want to express my regret at behaving as I did considering (I suppose) that I now feel like you did. Relationships come to an end, and feelings are feelings, and if you want to fucking be with someone, go for it. That was a very difficult thing to process for me when I was on the shit end of the stick, but now I can see where you were, and I’m…I’m just…sorry. I don’t even really know how to say to you what I want to say to you. I guess I feel horrible that there’s the possibility that I made you feel the way I am being made to feel about choosing to be happy. I don’t know if this makes sense.
John – I extend to you something similar to the apology I offer Rachael. This whole situation has opened my eyes to things I was forcing myself to be blind to, and I am so very sorry that I spent so long condemning you for just wanting to move on and be happy. I get it now. And I would also like to thank you for your patience with me. There is absolutely no reason why you should have tolerated the complete mess that I was, and all the bullshit and drama that I caused. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that the heart wants what the heart wants, and I genuinely mean it when I say that I am glad that you are happy. I wish nothing but the very best for you and Rachael. I don’t know what else to say.
I’m at such a loss right now. When I sat down I was filled with rage and sadness, and I was ready to type up a storm and get it all out. Long story short, I fucking deserve to be happy. I’m sorry if it hurts people. I’m sorry if I have to lose friends in order for it to happen. But I will NOT be miserable because of those things. I am a good person. I make mistakes, but we all do. We are humans. We have vices. We have desires. We sever friendships, we break trusts, we fall in love, we fall out of love. We seek happiness, I believe, above all else, and I don’t think that there is anything wrong with that. I didn’t kill anyone. I didn’t steal, I didn’t lie, I didn’t do anything horrible. I made a choice. Yes, it hurt someone. Yes, I am sorry about that. But it was about goddamned fucking time that I put ME first. Call me selfish. But when it comes down to it, I’m the only person that can make me happy, and I decided to do it. If I end up alone for that, fine. But the way this situation is turning out is simply too absurd, and I don’t need to deal with the drama. Truth be told, NO ONE NEEDS THE DRAMA. Ever. We are emotional beings, but we all need to get a fucking grip. We have brains, too, and (speaking from very recent experience) we FAR too often allow them to be overwhelmed by emotion. I don’t know how well I’m handling this situation, but I am attempting to be mature. I am attempting to be reasonable and calm. I own up to all the negativity geared toward me, but there is a lot that is invalid, and a lot of people fail to realize that. I will NOT feel bad for finally putting me above someone else. Okay, that’s a lie. Because I do. But the fact is, I shouldn’t fucking have to.
And what’s more is that I’m fucking terrified. I’m not going to go into a lot of detail on this one. I’m just throwing it out there. It started when my mother implanted the seed of doubt, and it just grows every day thanks to my insecurities. But fuck that.
And fuck this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Ramble, Well shit, Yays!
Some of the better things in life, I have learned, come at a cost. I made a choice. It caused me a lot of pain and distress, but I had to do what I wanted. I had to make me happy. I know that sounds horrible. It’s selfish and sick. But I made my decision. And I’m happy. I’m happy. There’s a lot of explanation involved, and I’m not going to offer it, because I know how I feel about this situation, and I know what I gave up and what I gained.
At what point in life do we decide to take care of ourselves? I think it’s probably different for everyone. I just encountered mine a few days ago. And instead of turning it down, I finally embraced it. Because I was tired. I was exhausted. And yet I kept causing myself more and more misery. And then, bam! there it was. The moment. My father tends to know what he’s talking about, and he got his chance to say I told you so. And I’m okay with that.
Maybe I am a hypocrite. Maybe I am a bad person, or a bad friend. I understand that. I’ve felt that. But shit, being on the other side isn’t a picnic, either, and I can appreciate that now. Just saying.
I don’t really know what I want to say. I’m happy. I’m fucking…HAPPY. And I don’t want to have to be sorry for it.
I know I said I was offline for a while, but I have some shit to get out. I can’t carry it around.
There’s all this concern about He’s happiness. About how he needs to move on with his life and that he has the right to be happy. I’m all for that. I’m on board. I have never once objected to that. I won’t.
Where’s the concern for my happiness? I deserve to be happy, too. I don’t deserve it any less than He does. This may come out wrong, but I’m going to say it the only way I know how. I don’t want to offer a disclaimer, but I’m sure I’ll apologize for it, because I don’t want to offend anyone or upset anyone, or anything like that.
I’m tired of being treated like I’m refusing to move on. I’m tired of being treated like I’m just a pathetic husk that refuses to stop clinging to the past. On one hand, yes, I see that it seems like I am doing that. But here’s a morsel of knowledge: I was being led on. I’m not sure it was intentional, and I don’t care. He has always known how I feel, and I, at this point, feel that my feelings were exploited, or at very least, taken advantage of. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding. I don’t know. I don’t care. I shouldn’t have to feel the way I feel because He gave me false hope. I feel like a fool, and I am a fool. Because I allowed my feelings to get the better of me. Because I refused to believe that He was the type of person that he is.
Long story short, I deserve better than what I’ve got. I deserve to be able to move on with my life and be happy. But I refuse to do it the way He is. I will keep my opinions to myself at this point, because I am sure they are biased. But I also know He very, very well, and I know for a fact that I am not entirely mistaken.
I will say this: everyone is entitled to their opinion. You can all think what you want to think about me, and about the situation. The fact of the matter is, the only people who really, truly know anything about it are me and He. And I’ll lay it out for you all right here, right now. I spent four years with a truly remarkable man who made me happier than I ever imagined I could ever be. I was, and still am, painfully in love with him. We broke up. “Things didn’t work out.” Two weeks later, he moved on. Whether or not he still had feelings for me at that point is of no consequence. Because now he is dating the same girl he discarded me for. I have my objections, and I will keep them to myself. Because he has every right to move on and be happy.
All I ask is that everyone get the fuck off my back and let me be sad. Let me mourn the loss of my lover. Let me mourn the loss of my best friend. Let me mourn my losses, okay? Let me hurt. Let me be sad. Let my cry so hard that I can’t breathe. Let my try to get rid of this. A person can only shoulder so much. I am strong. I have always been a very strong person. But this is pain that I have never experienced. It is like nothing I have ever known. And I have to do it on my own. I don’t have anyone. So let me falter. Let me be flawed. Let me be weak every now and then, because I can’t be strong all the time. I can’t act like it’s okay when I’m not okay. I’m not okay. I am not okay. I am alone, and I have to carry him around all day. Let me not be able to deal with that sometimes. Just let me hurt. Let me let it hurt. I don’t ask much of anyone, ever. This is all I ask. Just let me be sad.
Time is a cruel mistress. And everyone works differently. It took He a very short amount of time, and that destroys me. But that’s him, and that’s okay. I can deal with that. I don’t want to, but I will. Me, I take longer. Me, I can’t look back at all that was bad in our relationship and let it alter how I feel toward him. Me, I can’t spend copious amounts of time with someone and forget about He. We all work differently. So let me be. Let me be destroyed, and miserable, and let me break down every now and then. I lost a part of me, okay, and I haven’t learned how to operate without it, yet. Sometimes it’s hard to love someone until the day they’re gone. I wasn’t a good girlfriend. I didn’t make He happy. And he has every right to not want to be with me. But that doesn’t mean that I have to just suck it up and move on. I’m trying my very best. He always used to tell me that trying wasn’t good enough. Sometimes it’s all I can do.
I think I’ve been pretty good about this thus far. I think I’ve been a trooper. I’ve had some horrible moments, but lessons have been learned. I am guilty of being jealous. I am guilty of being hurt. I am guilty of a lot of things, but I have done nothing intentionally hurtful toward anyone, and I think I deserve just a little bit of credit. I think I deserve some support. I think I deserve to be happy, too.
I deserve it, too.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, Well shit
I just want to let you know, whoever reads this, that I’m out.
I’m gone for a while. I’m disconnecting.
I woke up this morning and could barely see. I essentially have two black eyes, minus the black. And I couldn’t get any solid sleep last night because a) I kept crying and b) my head was pounding from crying. I’m really glad I a have a huge presentation today. Good timing.
My opinion doesn’t matter. What I think doesn’t matter. How I feel doesn’t matter.
But there is a huge mistake being made.
Thus, I am going to withdraw, and learn to deal with it. That’s all I can do at this point. That and hope to God that I can get through today without bawling.
This is the antithesis of cool.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
This odd mixture of emotions is getting the better of me, and sometimes it feels as though the only way to go on living with even the most minute type of normalcy is to completely ostracize myself. It’s like the only way I can do okay or be okay is to limit my interaction with the rest of the social world. Which is odd in itself, as I’m craving company. I’m stuck in a horrific conundrum, and I don’t want to play anymore.
I have so much to do, and I don’t feel like I have the time to do it. I have obligations and constraints, and there simply is not enough time in the day without my running myself completely ragged. Break cannot come soon enough. And even then, I have to try to get a lot of work done during the break as well. Huzzah.
Things have started to happen, also, that bother me. I’m not upset, I’m not mad, I’m just…irritated. I feel like I’m struggling to empty my already overflowing plate, and shit just keeps being shovelled onto it. Please, please, leave me alone! I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I feel like I’ve been doing okay lately, you know, being responsible and whatnot, and getting things taken care of, but that’s academically. Once academics and my life start raping me up the ass, I start to get a little flustered. And a little flustered can easily turn into a lot flustered.
I just want to go home. I want to be done with some of the shit I am in the middle of (fortunately, some of it will be out of the way before the week is up) and get on with it. I want to get on with it.
I found me again. It’s odd, because due to the situation, I’m not all that happy. But I am happy. I’m that girl who I used to be, but better. I’m bright. I laugh. I radiate. And it’s so much better than how I used to be. And my first thought when I realized this was that it’s too bad that He isn’t around to experience it, and isn’t interested anyway.
Because I’m the type of girl he’d fall in love with. All over again.
Mostly, I’m just checked out on the shit that doesn’t matter. The small stuff doesn’t even roll off, because I don’t let it touch me. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to freak the fuck out about things that are inconsequential or out of my control.
I’m better now. I wish the people I want and need to see that actually would.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
I feel strange. It’s an odd mixture of emotions and I can’t seem to put my finger on one individually.
For some strange reason, the change in the weather makes the missing that much worse. It’s bothersome.
I’ve realized lately that I’m going through withdrawals. I knew it was going to happen, but it’s set it pretty violently lately. I miss watching movies. I don’t remember the last time I just cuddled up and watched one. And I want to. Badly. It’s one of the few things I really enjoy doing, and I can’t ever or don’t ever get to do it. It’s kind of breaking me down.
quarterlife was talking to me today about some problems she’s been having, and it make me consider some things that I was aware of but that hadn’t fully settled in realistically. Then they did and I felt like a douche.
I can’t wait to go home. There are so many people I want to see. Plus, maybe I’ll get to reclaim my house, and my couch, and watch a movie.
Oh, and a warning for some of you (I’m not going to name names): there will be hugs. Fierce ones.
I’m lonely.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, WTF?, Well shit
I want to vomit violently to rid myself of the feeling lodged in my gut. It’s 20% hangover and 80% guilt.
I’m doing so well at not being a fucking prostitute, but I still make stupid choices, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of all this bullshit. I’m tired of drama, I’m tired of masking how shitty I feel all the time, I’m tired of having quasi-friends.
So, why don’t I do something about it, right? There’s only so much I can do. I can’t force people to like me. I can’t force myself to move on from something my heart won’t let go of. I can only fake it for so long before I have a complete meltdown. I think that’s when I start to make the stupid choices. And I’m not so sure it’s just because of the alcohol.
On the upside, I found a ride home for break. So that’s good.
Also, I feel like total shit. I can’t stop shaking. I wasn’t ready.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
In an up and down kind of way, I beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I’m fairly certain that I think too much.
I miss He a lot lately, usually at night. And I do my damnedest to leave him alone. He doesn’t need me.
I’m stuck. I’m happy, but I’m not happy. It’s like being content because you have Jell-o, but it’s not the flavor you wanted. So it’s good, but it’s not as good as it could be. I’m stuck wanting things that I can’t have. Why do I do this to myself? Unobtainable.
I’m starting to freak the fuck out, kids, because it’s crunch time, especially in Senior Seminar, and I’m not making the progress I feel like I should be making. I have no clue how the hell to even begin the presentation that’s due in a week. I have a presentation for another class in roughly a month, on a book that I haven’t even begun to think about reading. On top of it all, I just want to go home for break, and I have no way to get there at the moment. And I’m not sure I’m going to find a way. Balls.
I don’t even know how to say all the things I want to say. I feel emotionally retarded.
Filed under: Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I don’t know what I need to do differently (well, I suppose I do), but something has got to change. I’m getting really tired of getting up to go work out and being struck with the overwhelming need to vomit. So I dry heave a bunch, and then go lift weights, and dry heave a bunch, and then come back to my room, and then go to Bodysculpting, and dry heave a bunch, and work out, and then go actually puke (it’s mostly just bile, which, let me tell you, is tons of fun), and then work out more. Today I felt like I was going to pass out, and there were pretty little stars floating around in my field of vision for the better part of the class.
I know I just need to eat more, specifically breakfast, but it’s really hard, because eating breakfast makes me throw up, too (yes, I’ve tried it). I eat really well when I do eat, I just don’t do it often enough, I suppose. My dad seems to be pretty concerned about it, because I called him to ask him about what I could do or what was going on, and he asks me every time we talk if I’m still puking.
I suppose it’s the price you pay to look good? I can’t even really tell if anything is changing for me body-wise. I seem to have plateaued at 150, which is kind of depressing, but my pants are also too big for me, and there’s definition in my biceps and shoulders/back. I suppose living in my body makes it hard for me to judge the changes, if in fact there are many/any.
I really want someone to come cuddle with me and watch a movie.
And it’s been FAR too long since I’ve had sex or done anything even close to it. It’s good, but oh, oh, so fucking bad.
I want to go home. Two weeks.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I preface this with a sigh, because that is all I have.
My body aches. My mind aches. Everything aches. Everything is tired. I’m ready for this semester, at very least, to be over.
I haven’t had sex in a month, and though I take pride in that, it’s also extremely frustrating, in more ways than I care to address at current.
I’m going to run out of money, and that’s okay, I guess, but again, frustrating.
I really just want to get all my shit done so I can sit around with some “friends” and drink some beer and refuckinglax.
More when I actually have time.
How long have I been wasting my time?
It’s a very cold realization. Stark. Shocking. It’s as though mommy told me I could have a puppy if I could take care of it by myself. So I got motivated and started taking the steps to be able to get what I wanted. I even have the puppy picked out. I know what I want, and I have been told what I have to do to get it. But then, out of the blue, mommy says no, I can’t have the puppy. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out.” And I’m devastated. I don’t know how much energy I wasted. I don’t know how much time I wasted. And I can’t bear to think about how much emotion I invested in something that fell apart before I even had a chance.
And it’s old fucking news. Everyone else has moved on. Everyone else is irritated at the repetition. And I seem to be the only one that’s stuck in the fog, hanging behind, grasping blindly with my arms outstretched in front of me, desperate for something to hold on to, for someone to guide me through. I’m alone. And all I want has been denied. Realizing that is like an unexpected slap in the face. I’m still reeling.
I need to figure out what to do before I do something terrible. I need to figure out how to make it go away before it consumes me. I’m on a path to self-destruction. I can feel it. I’m developing tendencies toward notions I know are stupid. And I can’t help it.
You couldn’t even say something nice.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I stumbled. People keep telling me that I’m too hard on myself, but I have an idea of how I want to be, and I’m not sticking to it very well. Granted, kissing isn’t sex. And it was very brief. But it still makes me look back and cringe. My stomach flip-flops. It’s a really harsh moment of “shit.“
But that’s okay. Because I have a lot to do in order to actually get the hell out of here. I have a lot of goals that I really, really want to reach, and I’m going to. Period.
Because I want it that badly.
Something changed. Something actually, for real-real not for play-play changed.
Finally.
I can breathe. It’s still hard, and there’s still a rattle in there somewhere, but every day gets a little easier. I think I’m finally doing something right. It’s the distance, now, that’s killing me. The missing. That’s the hard part. That’s what sometimes wraps itself around me and starts to squeeze, usually at night. Or on a particularly beautiful day. The missing, the longing, the misery. But it’s getting easier. Not like I’m getting over it, but more like I’m finding it easier to deal with. This is perhaps the most intense feeling of resolve I have ever experienced. I said I was fighting a losing war. But I’m not so sure I am. I feel like if I believe enough, and I fight like hell, maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance that I can get out of this alive. And even with some sense of triumph.
My father wants me to go to Ohio with him and the girls for Thanksgiving. I don’t want to. I know that seems terrible, because I do want to spend time with them, but I really just want to be home. I don’t want to drive across the country to spend Thanksgiving in a foreign place with foreign people. I want to sit on my couch and watch TV. I want to cuddle up with my dog and do my homework. I want to go to dinner with my mother and my brother and I want to see all my friends. I want to see Poser before she moves away. I want to see quarterlife. I want to spend time with the people who mean a lot to me. Not to say that my family doesn’t, but I don’t want to drive for 8 hours just to drive again to some place I don’t want to be. Ugh. I suppose we will see how that goes. The entire dad/family situation is a bunch of drama right now, and I to be honest, I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t have the time or the energy. I have much bigger things to focus on. Like getting on top of shit so I can graduate.
I feel like I kept falling down, and I’ve finally stood up. I’ve finally dusted myself off, and now I’m keeping an eye on my footing. I have my entire fucking future to look forward too, and I was spending entirely too much time trying to run toward it without paying attention to my surroundings. I’m taking my time. When it comes time to run, then I’ll do it. But at the moment, I’m content with walking. I’m okay with making sure I’m taking the right steps to get where I want to go.
Will you be there when I get there?
Filed under: Honestly
Today (well, yesterday, technically) was the best day I have had in a very long time. I’m not entirely sure why.
I have every reason to continue feeling as miserable as I’ve been feeling. But at the same time, it’s as though someone has ignited a fire beneath me, and I’m awfully compelled to leap into action. I’m not fucking around this time. I’m going to do what I have to do, period. I’m tired of not following through with what I’ve said I’ll do, because I said I would do whatever it takes. Day one went pretty well.
I need to just learn to breathe again. The air is pungent and shallow and disgusting, but if I ever want to breathe fresh air again, I’ve got to weather this and stop allowing it to prevent me from moving on.
I have hope. It feels incredible, and at the same time, I’m trying to not invest too much in it, because there is the inkling in the back of my mind that says my chain is being yanked.
Time, you are cruel. But I guess I have no choice but to let you do what you do.
We’ll see what happens.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Stephen King wrote that, and it just kind of stuck with me.
Some day, I’m going to learn that loving myself is more important than loving someone else, especially when it is thrown in my face that I’m wasting (and possibly had wasted) my time.
Some day, I’m going to wake up and look in the mirror and believe that I’m as beautiful as I think I am on the inside.
Some day, I’m going to fix all the things I’ve broken, including myself.
I’m doing better lately. I resist temptations, or at least the ones that I know will get me into trouble or lead me to something I know I will regret. I’m angsty and sad and bitter, but I’m doing okay. Or at least very close to okay, most of the time. I think stupid amounts of physical activity helps.
I refuse to believe that I am a bad person, but I feel like I am. And I’m exhausted. I’m tired of feeling nothing but negative things about myself as a result of everything with He. It’s stupid. But I can’t bring myself to change it. I don’t really know how. Some of it is in his hands, I suppose, and it’s all such clusterfuckery that it doesn’t matter.
It never really mattered.
Some day, I’m going to have the strength to rise from the ashes and begin anew.
I am beautiful and brilliant. I am a good friend and a good person, and I am overlooked.
I don’t want to do it all over with someone else. That’s part of my problem, I think. I don’t want it with anyone else. I never asked for marriage. I never asked for forever. I never asked for much.
I’m sorry I couldn’t show you how much I love(d) you. And it’s not that I didn’t. I couldn’t. And now that I can, you don’t care.
I have so much to say, and no one to say it to.
Filed under: Honestly
I’m neurotic. I’m obsessive. I’m possessive. I check out girls more than I check out guys. I have an unhealthy addiction to cucumbers, celery, and spinach leaves. I cancel out that I quit drinking soda by drinking coffee. I really want to quit smoking but I am afraid of giving up a distracting habit. I can’t stand people with bad grammar. I am the epitome of daddy’s little girl. I admire and fear my brother. It takes me far too long to fall in and out of love. I eat the crust on my grilled cheese sandwiches before eating the middle. I’m violently insecure 75% of the time. I don’t like my breasts. I have a hard time maintaining friendships. I’m afraid to grow up. Based on the music I love, I think I’m probably an emo kid. I don’t do drugs because I’m fucked up enough as it is. I want to get a tattoo of a phoenix because it has very profound meaning to me. I have conquered my temper. I honestly believe that my ex-boyfriend is the most attractive guy I have ever met. I don’t like that girls can’t just be honest about the manipulative, shitty things that they do. I only pick at two fingernails on each hand. I’m a masochist. I’m pretty sure my armpits smell right now, and when I sweat, I sweat like a boy (it’s gross). I like to work for the things I have, but a freebie here and there would be nice. Autumn is my favorite season, and I rarely ever call it Fall. I wish I would have played more paintball when I had the chance, because I love it. I get bruises for no reason and then wonder where the hell they came from. My right butt cheek is deformed because I fell down on a stair. I have a weakness for baby animals, particularly puppies (the way they smell, and they’re all cuddly, and the tiny, heart-wrenching noises they make…). When I grow up, I’m going to buy a miniature wiener dog and love him (or her) forever. If I ever have children, I want boys. I’m convinced that I’m probably going to be alone forever, because I’m crazy. I haven’t let go of my past, and I probably need to. I have pretty small feet. I stumble a lot and have terrible balance. I have a tendency to be very shallow and often aim out of my league. I have never been on an airplane, and I’m not sure I ever will be. I’m a tightwad until it comes to spending on other people. I am stupidly attracted to accents, particularly British and Australian. I like to give high fives. Driving through huge puddles makes me incredibly happy. I am particularly fond of hugs. I love and hate that music has the power to transport. I’m scared of basically everything, but mostly the dark and losing the people I love the most. I would rather be cold than hot, because it’s easier (and more fun, usually) to warm up than it is to cool down. I didn’t have much of a (or at least a very good) childhood, but I remember playing Legos, Barbies, and baseball with my brother, and that gets me past all the terrible things that happened. I really like Guy Ritchie movies. I often care far too much about people, even if they’re strangers. It really irritates me when my socks start to come off while I’m walking. I make a lot of to-do lists and then pretty much forget about them. Even though I’m bad at them, I love video games. I’m a pretty terrible person for saying this, but people who are bigger (as in…more overweight) than me make me feel better about myself (hey, I’m in college, do you know how many tiny bitches there are running around in basically glorified underwear?). I’m not particularly ticklish. I love to be kissed on the forehead and the neck. I love that I have red hair and an ungodly amount of freckles (which multiply in sunlight). My reality is transcended by a breathtaking sunset. I don’t deal very well with loneliness. I would rather work on a project by myself than with a group. I have very small ears. I really enjoy when my arms/shoulders/back are well-defined (in terms of muscle). Uggs really, really piss me off, and I’m not entirely sure why. Sometimes I wish I could play an instrument, or draw or write or paint really well, because I don’t have a creative outlet and that would be nice. People have a tendency to mean more to me than I mean to them. I used to believe that a friendship wasn’t real unless you could comfortably talk about poop with each other. Of all the people I’ve been intimate with, only one has brought me to orgasm. I am “in love” with Gerard Butler, mostly because he’s attractive AND can sing. Morbid, but sometimes I wonder how many people would really care if I died. So, I said I’m insecure, but somehow I still manage to feel that I’m “better” than people (certain people, certain situations). Most of the time, I feel I should have been born a male. I want to break stereotypes. I try very hard to be tolerant of everyone and their beliefs. I often feel that there is an incredible amount of beauty in the world that is stifled and/or overlooked. I’m not good at sharing, even if the object in question doesn’t actually belong to me. I’m not photogenic at all. At several points in my life, I may have suffered from an eating disorder. Because I was in a relationship for so long, I’ve pretty much lost all ability to “understand” the opposite sex. It has to be blatantly obvious in order for me to tell if someone is even flirting with me. And then I’m still confused about it. Sometimes I like crying really really hard before bed because it helps me sleep. I have at least three notebooks that are almost entirely full. I don’t like marijuana, but I don’t understand why it’s not legal. I fall asleep in the fetal position, and wake up on my back or my stomach, though I can’t fall asleep in either of those positions. I tend to irritate myself with how organized I try/tend to be. I get taken advantage of a lot, and I suppose I allow that to happen because it makes me feel important, if only briefly. I refuse to eat boiled hot dogs, but I eat them raw sometimes. I’m honestly not a huge fan of bread. I would be completely happy if I could watch movies all the time. I envy people in relationships. When I was little, I had a thin white sweatshirt with zebra stripes on it, and it was my absolutely favorite shirt ever. I still have my blankey from when I was little, and the corners are frayed and disgusting because I used to suck on them. I don’t understand or know a lot of things that I should. I try to tell myself that everyone I meet has problems too, and no one is perfect or perfectly happy. I love holding hands or hooking pinkies. I usually check to make sure there’s no one in the shower before I go to the bathroom. I desperately want well-toned abs. I love/hate the gap between my two front teeth. Sometimes I pee with the bathroom door open, but it’s often somewhat odd to me when other people do it. I love post-coitus cuddling. I am often distracted by completely irrelevant things. The clothes in my closet are organized according to sleeve length. I’m kind of afraid I’m not going to graduate college, and I really, really just want to be done. When shopping, if I take something off the shelf, I generally pull the next one forward. I’ve worked retail before, facing the shelves sucks. I also put things back where I got them if I decide I don’t want them (usually). I like to dance like I’m having a seizure, particularly when in vehicles (not driving, of course. Well, sometimes). I’m not entirely sure whether or not I believe in karma, but I do think that in some respects, certain things will catch up to you. I think that in most cases, everyone deserves a second chance. We all make mistakes and I think we should get the opportunity to prove if we’ve learned from them. I love hugs from behind. I still talk to people I went to elementary school with. I probably won’t eat anything with onions in it, even if I can’t taste them. I’ve recently discovered that pepper is a pretty tasty spice. Is it a spice? I don’t really like ice cream that much. I tend to eat M&Ms and Skittles according to color. I love to drive to take my mind off things. But we’re talking like, off the beaten path, because other people tend to drive like idiots, and that upsets me. The first time my ex told me he loved me, he was drunk. That’s happened more times than I like to admit; I think it may say something about me. I want to live my live as best I can. I want to have made a difference in at least one person’s life. If I can do those things, I can honestly say I’d die happy. I probably would never wear underwear if I didn’t have to. The commodity of good manners is common courtesy and don’t cost a thing. The people I care most about are also the ones who have cut me the deepest, and caused me the most pain. I like to use big words. Not to be pretentious or condescending, but because I find comfort in them, and in accurately conveying what I’m attempting to articulate. I self-deprecate far too often.
I will never allow someone else to define me, or say what limit there is to what I am capable of.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit, Yays!
I’m suspended in some sort of etherial cloud.
I am cognizant of my emotions, but some of them are not within my control. For example, the guilt and disgust I feel about the things I have done plague me, but I choose to ignore them. The feelings I still struggle with toward He, however, are not so controllable. I can prevent feelings that arise from the initial feelings, but the root of them are permanent. It’s frustrating, because I’m trying to just be positive and move on. Even though I still don’t want to.
It’s only been five days, and already I’m starting to feel better. My resolve is unshaken. I’m eagerly anticipating becoming the person I want to be rather than the person I was becoming. There are certain things I want that would make the process easier, but I suppose learning to deal without them is helpful in its own way as well. I miss He terribly. It happens mostly at night, and its frustrating. But I swallow it, because what else is there to do? I need to leave him alone and let him live his life. He doesn’t need me.
For now, I suppose, that is all.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
To the few of you that have proven to me the things I have doubted, thank you.
I finally have experienced the painful and difficult realization that my behavior has got to stop. There are serious and terrifying consequences to what I have been doing, and I should avoid them rather than just hope for the best. I’m going to stop drinking and partying so much. And if I do happen to partake in either, I’m going to make sure it’s not in an environment that can get out of control. I don’t know what the hell I have been thinking, and I’m not sure that the way I have been feeling is a valid enough reason for the endeavors I have participated in. I used to pride myself on the fact that I hadn’t had sex with many people. Now I look back on the last couple of months and feel complete disgust and disappointment at what I’ve allowed myself to become. I have said it before, and this time I am going to prove it. That is not the girl I am, nor is it the girl I want to be. My rapid transformation into that girl is coming to and end. Now.
I don’t know how it happened, but I feel less pressure. I still have intense and overpowering feelings for He, but they’re not running my life. I can have a conversation with him without breaking down. Granted, I still want to; it eats at the back of my brain, but I don’t do it. I can control myself. A part of me is really happy about that, because I think that is going to enable me to do better in regards to healing. Another part isn’t so sure it’s what I really want to do. But at this point, what choice do I have? I love someone I cannot have, that does not want me, and the only thing to do is move past it, I suppose. Some shit about better to have loved and lost…
I am seriously resolute this time. I keep destroying myself because of the things I’ve been doing, and yet I continue to do them. I’m done. I’m tired of feeling the ways that I feel, I’m tired of putting myself in situations I deplore, I’m tired of all of it. And I keep doing it to myself. So why not just stop? It’s been brought to my attention that perhaps I need support. I’ve been yearning for that. I am inclined to think I need to do it by myself, to show myself that I don’t need someone else, that I can do it on my own, that I’m self-sustaining. But at the same time, I do see how having people who are cheering me on is only going to make the process easier. You know, positive reinforcement.
He is my best friend. It’s complicated, it’s messy, there’s still a lot of loose ends. But I appreciate his friendship, and I’m trying to limit it to just that. I very much want to keep him in my life. We’ll see how it goes.
quarterlife has touched me very deeply by proving to me that some people really do give a fuck, no matter what. It’s been shown to me before, but it is indescribably moving to me coming from her, especially considering all the bullshit we’ve gone through.
Again, to these few people, especially the two mentioned: thank you. I’m not going to let you down this time.
I’m not going to let me down.
I braved the bar solo last night. And several magical things happened. And I mean magical.
Firstly, Guapo insisted I sit at the bar so that I could “make friends” or be social or something, and that ended up pretty well. I did both.
Then, when it came time to go home (actually, once it was way past time to go home), Guapo wouldn’t take no for an answer, and walked me home, even though it was completely out of his way. And then he proceeded to be a complete gentleman. Many things could have happened last night, but they didn’t, because he’s pretty fucking amazing.
I’m being vague on details, and I’m sorry. But it’s been a while since I’ve run into a guy that can control himself as well as Guapo did. I think that’s pretty magical.
I’ve got more, but I have shit to do today, and I’ve already thrown too much of it away.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not entirely sure how I feel, or what I’m doing, or what I’m supposed to feel, or what I’m supposed to be doing, but I am resolute.
Thing have to change, at very least. I’ve gotten a handle on my uncharacteristic behaviors, with few slip-ups, and I intend to keep improving in that respect. I’m tired of having to torture myself the next day for actions that were ill-thought out or too quickly adhered to. It’s not so much what I’m doing, but why I’m doing it. So, I suppose, it’s actually both. Either way, I’m too exhausted to do it to myself anymore. I have far too much going on as it is, and I don’t need to focus my energy on how stupid I’ve been. I need to just knock it off. Developing self-esteem and self-respect should not be as difficult as I seem to be making it, nor should it happen in the ways I am endeavoring to achieve it. I believe that I can be happy without placating myself with a false sense of validation from temporary physical benefits. What I want cannot be substituted, and I need to make sure I remember that before I take my pants off, or whatever.
What I really need to do is buckle down and focus on school. It, on top of everything else going on in my life, is kicking my ass, and the apathy I feel toward it is not conducive to my success. It’s tricky for me, because I’m attempting to build myself a social network to inhibit the lonliness that consumes me, but that shouldn’t take away from the time I devote to school. And it does. So, apparently I need to work on that as well.
The frustrating part is that there is so much that needs to be done, and I am fully aware of it, and willing to do it, but I am so exhausted from having not done it that all I really want is to do nothing. Just lay in bed and sleep it all away. Because in bed, everything somehow seems better, minus the empty space next to me. Lonliness is like a violent rapist. There is no real struggle, because it just overpowers you. The more you attempt to struggle, or fight it off, the more it seems to enjoy violating you. The worse it gets. I’ve kind of taken to just laying there and letting it happen. Just get it over with. The real trouble comes from what results, the heaviness. I feel pregnant with the seed, the burden of lonliness. Abort, abort.
That is all, for now. I ache with the need to purge, but I need to find the words.
Maybe I’ve changed my mind.
My brother just kind of kicked my ass. I needed that.
I am better and stronger than this.
I’m not going to allow myself to be used and/or taken advantage of anymore.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
Today may have been a breakthrough. Or tonight, rather.
I didn’t show my breasts to anyone. I didn’t have sex with anyone. I kissed a friend, but that is all. That is the extent of it. And I explained to him why I didn’t necessarily want to just be friends with benefits.
I’m progressing.
I feel good. That is all I want to say at the moment, because I need to go to bed. Now.
P.S. Nipping out really hard (as in it being REALLY fucking cold outside) is painful and slightly arousing.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
It’s a strange situation, really.
I’m fine so long as I’m not thinking about it.
And then I’m alone, and the world comes crashing down, and I’m sick to my stomach, and I can’t handle anything, and I want to freak out or punch someone or rip my hair out.
This is the dumbest bullshit I have ever dealt with. EVER.
And then I take it out on He, just because I blame him for how I feel, which is also dumb, but I can’t help it, because I’m so fucking bitter about the fact that I can’t make him love me. I want to do something huge, something epic, something amazing that will show him how important this is to me, how badly I want him, how different I am and it could be. But I feel like even if I walked through fire, it wouldn’t be enough. Nothing I do is going to be enough, and I don’t know how to deal with that. There’s a lot of complicated shit that goes with that, and I just…ugh. I can’t handle it.
Fuck my life. I’m doing okay, though. That’s good.
I think I’ve got roughly three guys “interested” in me, and that’s…difficult. I’ve been doing fairly well with staving off using them, though, and that’s good. I hang out with them, because they’re cool guys, but I’m not going to allow myself to give in to their interests purely so that I can feel better about how desperately unwanted and worthless I feel. Just because I ache to be wanted, loved, whatever, doesn’t mean I’m going to take advantage, regardless of what their motives are or how pure their intentions are. It’s just not something I want to do. Ever.
I’m tired of making everyone else miserable.
Moving on to step two.
Oh, and also, my phone isn’t here yet, and if it doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to fucking RAGE. Because I have to go to Verizon to get the service switched over, and if I don’t get there before they close…oh my god. So grumpy.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Meh, Oh NOES, Well shit
I made a small breakthrough last night!
I didn’t make out with anyone. I didn’t do anything sexual. I did show one person my goodies, but that’s better than showing everyone, which it seems like I’ve been doing. So there’s that.
I’m feeling okay about things lately. I don’t know if it’s because I found a friend, or because I’m coming to some sort of piece with my hope, or because I’m tired of fucking myself over…but I’m feeling okay. It’s pretty nice.
I’m thinking it will all be okay.
And then I remember why I’m going home this weekend. FML.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Inspired, My heart hurts, Well shit, Yays!
Today was a good day.
Aside from feeling like shit about what I’ve been doing.
Which I’m not doing anymore. Day one: success.
I even got quite a bit accomplished in terms of homework. So, I’m pretty content with that.
There was a little rough spot, but it was just a twinge of sadness in response to the email from He’s mom. It’s nice to talk to her. She’s a little crazy, but I love her, and I miss her a lot. I miss all of it a lot. So, that was a hill to get over, but I did.
I’m looking into counceling. Thinking maybe I’ll find some time to make myself better. I’m not going to get over He, and I’m not sure that’s the goal I need to set. I think I need to concentrate on fucking taking care of myself before I set any epic goals. I’m getting this shit figured out. Day one, but I’m making progress. Baby steps.
The first step to getting over a problem is admitting you have one. Uh, epic check.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I could use more nothing in my life.
That’s an oxy-moron, but I mean it.
There’s too much…stuff. My life is a cluttered room, and I barely have space to walk, let alone breathe, or think, or feel.
The lonely is what drives me, and I’m aware of that. Why I let it get so out of control is something I’m not aware of. And it needs to stop. The temporary benefits aren’t outweighing the long-term effects.
I need closure.
I need definite answers.
I feel like I’m wandering around in the dark, blindly feeling around in front of myself. And I can’t find my way. I keep running into brick walls. He is my brick wall. I’ve tried to climb over. It’s too high. I’ve tried to go around. It’s too infinite. I’ve tried to go straight through. It’s too hard, too thick. I keep thinking I can do this, but at the same time, I don’t know if I can, or if I want to.
Have you ever watched a movie, or a TV show that ended happily, but you still felt something inside of you had broken? Have you ever watched a happy ending but felt so utterly depressed that it followed you around for a while? That’s how I feel. I don’t know if things happen for a reason. I don’t know if there is such a thing as karma, or fate, or whatever. What I do know is that I cannot do this anymore. I know that even though it kills me, and even though it hurts more than anything I have ever experienced, I have the strength to endure. I think that having made one of the hugest mistakes of my life doesn’t justify the reckless mistakes I have been making. I don’t think I will find the validation I seem to be seeking on the lips of a random hookup. I’m not going to find it between the sheets of someone’s bed, or in the friction between skin. I think all I am doing is causing myself more pain. And I should be smarter than that. I am smarter than that. I’m better than that.
I don’t know if He and me were supposed to last. I don’t know if it is really my fault that we are no longer together, or if it is by some strange coincidence where the timing made it appear that way. I do not know if it would have been different had I been different. I don’t know if he ever really loved me as much as I love(d) him. And I don’t know if any of it really matters. I don’t know if any of it ever did.
I don’t think I have ever felt so alone. So lonely. So lost. So confused. So scared.
And all I can do, what I have to start doing, is tell myself that it’s going to get better. It has to get better.
I can’t allow myself to believe that I’m going to feel like this forever.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I need to knock it the fuck off.
What the fuck am I doing to myself?
I don’t know if it’s alcohol, or just my blatant disregard for myself due to a lack of self-respect, but I am doing things that aren’t characteristic of me. Again. Granted, some part of me does want to do them, hence why I do, but I don’t think that they are things that are conducive to my getting better. I’m okay, I think, for the most part. And then…and then I do something that makes me feel cheap and disgusting the next morning, and I’m sick to my stomach with guilt, and I’m not sure why I feel guilty at all. Because I know it’s wrong? Because I know I probably shouldn’t have done it, and whatever reason I have FOR doing it isn’t good enough? “Because I wanted to” isn’t a good enough reason for me. It is, but it’s not.
I feel like I’ve lost my fucking mind, and that’s the hard part. I’m on a quick road to destruction, and I need to grab the wheel and pull a sharp U-turn. And I recognize that, but don’t seem to be able to do it just yet. I feel like I should withdraw from the world, because my participation in it is doing me more harm than good at this point.
It’s time, for real-real, to get my shit in order.
It starts today.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I think I’ve finally reached the breaking point.
It has all culminated into one brilliant, disgusting moment, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with myself. And I don’t really know how to go about cleaning up the mess I’ve become, or the messes I’ve made.
I need to stop. Just…stop, period. I do things that make me look back and cringe. I behave in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of me, just because I can. I’ve gotten far too out of control. And it’s time to rein myself in. I don’t like the way things are going, and thus, and I have to do something about it.
The image that keeps coming into my head is that I’ve been fighting against a whirlpool. It had been pulling at me, harder and harder, and I had been swimming against it, exhausted, trying to keep myself out of it, every stroke draining me. And it just seems like I either finally lost the battle, or I just gave in, and now I’m swirling down, down, down, and if I don’t do something, I’m going to drown.
At what point am I going to start taking my own advice?
Too many unanswered questions, kids. That’s my problem.
How the fuck do I get over He when part of me wants to hold out?
And should I really hold out when there’s no guarantee?
Ugh. I’m going to do some homework now. I’m sure I’ll post again later.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Sometimes I feel like my best option is to withdraw from myself. Lonliness has become my closest and most endearing friend, and I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s one of those friendships that you don’t particularly enjoy, but you can’t really bring yourself to get out of, because no matter where you go or what you do, that friend is there, tagging along. You don’t really like this friend, but at least you have one, and you’re afraid to give that up. Lonliness is bullying me, but I don’t have the balls to stand up to it.
Something happened tonight that knocked the air out of me. I sort of saw it coming, but I guess I didn’t believe myself. I don’t think the situation is quite as bad as I am allowing myself to feel about it, but it’s still pretty shitty, and I don’t want to have to deal with the emotional repercussions. I know that I made a lot of mistakes over the summer. But I don’t believe that I am the kind of person that will do things simply for emotional or physical gratification, nor am I the type of girl that appreciates being called just for sex. He didn’t get what he wanted, but I am still left feeling cheap and disgusted with myself. How do I enable myself to get into these situations?
I feel like life keeps dealing me a really shitty hand. I know I bitch a lot, but come on, really? I’m down to play the game, I’d just really like to win every now and then, you know?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
I feel like I’ve come to some sort of stand-still in my life. I’ve been so caught up in the whirlwind, and now I’m standing completely still, the world whooshing around me, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve gotten this far, but what’s next? Where do I go from here? I’m not sure I want to rejoin that hectic, chaotic movement. I can breathe in my stasis. That’s the thing about standing still, though. I’m doing it alone. So as nice as it is to breathe, it’s like inhaling a slow poison. I can enjoy it right now, but eventually, it’s going to kill me.
I’m terrified that I have taught myself to be ingenuine. I feel very unhappy most of the time, but I can put on a happy face and act completely normal, even when I want to break down. The only person that it doesn’t happen with is He, and I hate that. I’m wasting my time. I’m wasting my energy. I’m wasting my feelings. It really feels like high school all over again, where I find myself completely in love with someone that barely notices me. That’s kind of a harsh way to represent the situation, but that’s the meat of it. I guess I’m just tired of being…defective. It’s like I’m some sort of fucked up Midas, except rather than gold, everything I touch turns to shit. And I shouldn’t feel this way, because I’m not the same. Even my friends have told me that I’m vastly different now than I was even 6 months ago. And I am. I am. I know I am. Why is it that the one person I want to see that, doesn’t?
I’m exhausted. I want one good day. One whole day that is so good that I don’t even have time to think about being down about anything. I do my best to make that happen, but I guess there’s only so much I can do. There’s only so much I can avoid thinking about. And there’s only so much supression I can handle.
I am what I am. I am flawed, I am stubborn, I am absurd.
I still deserve to be happy.
I still deserve to be loved.
I think I deserve a chance.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m having some.
I’m not sure I want to be friends with He. I mean, I know I do, but I don’t think it’s working out for me at this point. I’m at serious unease. Sometimes, I feel perfectly fine about things. But that’s in certain situations. The majority of the time, I’m kind of sick to my stomach. I’m annoyed. The entire thing is trying my patience, and I don’t really know how much more and I can endure. I think I’m subjecting myself to things that aren’t helping me in any way.
He’s fucking using me.
That’s my radtastic fucking epiphany for the day. Pretty stoked about it.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
I heard that you’ve been asking ’bout me,
least that’s the word out on the street.
I just don’t know what to believe.
Why was I dumb enough to leave?
I saw you with him today.
The boy who took my place.
You seemed so much happier with me,
Or maybe that’s just the way I wanted it to be.
But it’s just another one of those days
The way you made it feel so right
The way you fit into my arms at night
I’ll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.
But it’s just another one of those days.
Can’t help but feel a little upset,
about the things you and I never had.
I had the world but instead I threw it all away.
Now it’s just another one of those days.
So tell me what happens next.
It’s out of my hands I guess.
I just don’t know what to believe.
Why don’t you tell me to believe?
Why did you let me leave?
It’s not the way its gotta be.
What’s wrong with me?
Why don’t you tell me to believe?
Why did you let me leave?
It’s not the way this has to be.
But it’s just another one of those days
The way you made it all feel so right
The way you fit into my arms tonight.
I’ll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.
But it’s just another one of those days.
You can’t help but be a little upset,
About the things you and I never had.
I had the world but instead I threw it all away.
Now it’s just another one of those days.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, WTF?
I’m in love with my ex-boyfriend.
Someone teach me to get over it.
I can’t bear the thought of her near him.
My stomach turns. It shouldn’t, but it does.
How do I let go?
Someone, please. Tell me.
Help me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Why why why?
I don’t think I really like where I’m at right now.
And that in itself is a problem, because I don’t know where the fuck I am.
My best friend is my ex-boyfriend, and I loathe him as much as I love him.
I don’t know what to do about the situation, because no matter what, I find myself repressing a whole lot of emotion. Just talking to him is a conundrum because it makes me feel better, but it brings about a whole lot of things that make me worse. It’s like cough syrup. You know it’s going to make you feel better, but you still choke and want to vomit. I don’t have any idea how to get around it all, and I’m tired of it being a clusterfuck. And it only is for me, and that’s what infuriates me even more. I feel so incredibly stupid, because I know my heart is directing me one way, the wrong way, and I’m trying to follow. It’s pure idiocy. I want to punch myself in the face.
Oh – random: I’ve realized that there is so much bitter resentment built up about it that I haven’t dealt with that I’m going to explode. I don’t know when, I don’t know on whom, but I know it’s going to happen. I can feel the lid of the pot starting to rattle under the pressure of the boiling. I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t care how I am or am not supposed to feel, it’s fucked up.
I’m having a really difficult time convincing myself that he’s not still mine, which is so fucking stupid I can’t even comprehend it. I get jealous and possessive and a whole laundry list of stupid things that I have no right (and absolutely no fucking reason) to feel. It shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t be like this.
I just miss him so damned much. In every way. And it’s killing me, because I think I’m stuck in some sort of false reality, and it is not serving me well. Not at all.
I’d like to shoot myself in the face.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
I’m quickly tiring of the rollercoaster. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m growing weary of the ups and downs.
One night I’m so desperately miserable that I have mutliple panic attacks and can barely keep my eyes open due to the amount of crying I’m doing. The next night, I feel fine. What is this?
Maybe it’s just because I distract myself with schoolwork. Or maybe I just tell myself that because on some level, I’m afraid that maybe I am starting to get over it and I’m not sure I’m ready/willing to.
Truth? I have no fucking idea what’s going on. And I might be okay with that.
Maybe.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Why why why?
I’m not one of those people that relies on fate. I don’t often believe that everything happens for a reason, and when I refer to karma, I’m usually doing so in a joking or playful manner. I think shit happens.
I also believe that shitty things happen to good people. I think terrible, painful, horrendous things happen to people that don’t deserve to have those things happen to them. Of course, good things happen as well, but those aren’t the things I’m talking about.
I’m a good person, or I try to be. I think I’m a good friend, and I try to live my life well. I try to be good to others, and I go out of my way to not be selfish, or any other variety of detestable things. And then I get caught up feeling like I don’t deserve for some things to happen to me. I know that everyone experiences their fair share of crappy situations. Life isn’t exactly wonderful for everyone all the time – I get that. But I’m getting tired of crappy things happening to me so often. It’s hard to keep my chin up when the world keeps slamming a fist into it. And mostly, it’s just one thing. One situation that I wish would go away. One tremendously painful and difficult hand that life has dealt, and I don’t know what to do with my cards. I keep thinking I’m putting the right ones down, and then I realize that I’m still behind, and no matter what, I’m not going to win at this game. It’s exhausting, continuously getting your hopes up just to realize that you’re not doing as well as you thought. Sure, tell me I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am. But I think I’m somewhat entitled. We all have a right to sink to our knees and wallow in our misery sometimes.
Two weeks after a four year relationship, He put a knife in my heart. I had long since freely given it to him – my heart, that is – and I trusted him with it. But we broke up, and he hasn’t given it back. And he’s not caring for it. I don’t expect him to care for it how he once did, but if he’s not going to give it back, he should at least make sure that it’s properly taken care of. But alas, it is neglected, outside of the occasional twist of the knife. My problem, I think, is that I have no choice but to assume the worst. He gives me no reason to believe that I’m not in this by myself. I’m the only one feeling the way I feel. I’m obsolete, and He upgraded. He doesn’t need me because he has her, and anything he ever felt for me was long ago withered and dead. I have no choice but to feel this way, because I have no evidence to the contrary, and he offers none. I tire of telling him anything about how I feel, because he goes to bed with her at night, and I’m still sleeping alone. I don’t want to tell him I love him and miss him, because it’s her scent on the pillow next to him. I keep my mouth shut about the hollow void he left in me because it’s her hand that fits in his. I was replaced, and that’s difficult. On some level because I don’t think she’s better, but mostly because I feel that I deserve better. Because I feel that shitty things happen to good people. And I try to be a good person, and this shitty thing happened to me.
I don’t think it’s ever going to go away. I love He. I am in love with He. He has done some things that cause me excrutiating pain, and I want to hate him. Part of me does. Part of me loathes him, is disgusted by him. But that stupid love thing…it overrides all of my common sense. It implores me to forgive him for everything he does. And that’s the thing – I owe no forgiving. He hasn’t done anything wrong. Sure, he destroyed my heart. He’s hurt me more than any other person, ever. But he didn’t do it intentionally, and it’s none of my business, so how can it be a problem, really?
I am exhausted. I wake in the middle of the night and roll over to press myself into his back, and he’s not there. And then those words echo. He’s not there. Not at all. He is physically and emotionally detached from me. That’s a pretty difficult aspect as well. Because he has her next to him. And me? I just want to sleep through one night without his ghost next to me. I’m so tired.
I’m tired of doing this, as well.
I’m tired of no one caring.
I’m tired of carrying it around all day.
I just want it to go away.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
There are moments in my life that make me step back and look at my past self and cringe.
I’m not a perfect person.
I’ve made mistakes.
He and I had a conversation today that kind of shook me up. I’ve gotten to the point where I say that I don’t give a fuck what people think about me, which is true, but I guess He added a preface to it. As long as it’s not someone that I care a lot about and that means more to me than almost anything, I don’t give a fuck what people think about me. Sometimes it’s really hard to have someone you love say terrible things to you, especially when they’re (for the most part) true. It’s not easy at all. And not pleasant, either.
I just wanted to throw that out there. I’ve got a lot more, I just…I have things to do.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit
I am tired.
My body hurts.
My heart is conflicted.
My mind is overloaded.
I want to sleep for days.
But I want there to be someone there with me.
I think I’ve been doing pretty well with ignoring how lonely I am. Some nights are worse than others, though, especially when I feel the way I do. There is nothing I would love more than to be able to crawl into bed, cover myself in the warmth of someone’s arms, and sleep. I’m sure it’s He I miss, and his embrace, but at the same time, I kind of want to punch him in the face. Like, I want to punch him in the face and then cuddle with him. Get it out of my system and then bask in some sort of false reality.
What was will never be.
That’s hard for me.
And I don’t know why.
I was fucking happy, that’s why. And if one more person tries to tell me that I wasn’t, I’m going to freak out. I’m pretty sure I know better than anyone else how I felt. Regardless. It’s just one more awesome obstacle I have to hurdle.
I’m getting tired of jumping. Jumping hurdles. Jumping obstacles. Jumping through hoops. When do I just get to be? When do I get to just move on? He’s doing it, why can’t I? Why do I have to keep falling back down? My body is going to tire of the abuse, and I can’t do anything about it. What’s going to happen when I fall and can’t get back up again? What then?
I try not to think about it. Because I do keep getting back up. I don’t fall a lot; I mostly stumble. But I do fall. And my knees are bloody and ragged. It hurts to pick myself up and keep going. But I have to. It’s over.
It’s over.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Inspired, My heart hurts, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Except the sun isn’t coming out tomorrow – it came out today.
Despite being incredibly tired, having a fuckton of things to do (including take a shower), and being generally stressed out, I feel amazing today. Somehow, even thinking about all the shit that usually drags me under, I am in a good mood. I feel…buoyant. I dare say this is one of the best days I have had in quite some time. I do, however, on the semi-depressing side, wish I had someone to share it with. I really enjoy being infectous, and it is difficult for me to not have someone that I am close with to share a good mood with. That in and of itself puts me in an even better mood. I just want to be able to walk somewhere, holding someone’s hand, talking and laughing. Feeling fun and fancy-fucking-free.
Today, my friends, is a good fucking day.
