Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m possibly the worst person and friend ever.
EVER.
I can’t even begin to explain how fucked up a situation I got myself into. Awesome. When does it end?
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, Well shit
I just want to let you know, whoever reads this, that I’m out.
I’m gone for a while. I’m disconnecting.
I woke up this morning and could barely see. I essentially have two black eyes, minus the black. And I couldn’t get any solid sleep last night because a) I kept crying and b) my head was pounding from crying. I’m really glad I a have a huge presentation today. Good timing.
My opinion doesn’t matter. What I think doesn’t matter. How I feel doesn’t matter.
But there is a huge mistake being made.
Thus, I am going to withdraw, and learn to deal with it. That’s all I can do at this point. That and hope to God that I can get through today without bawling.
This is the antithesis of cool.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
In an up and down kind of way, I beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I’m fairly certain that I think too much.
I miss He a lot lately, usually at night. And I do my damnedest to leave him alone. He doesn’t need me.
I’m stuck. I’m happy, but I’m not happy. It’s like being content because you have Jell-o, but it’s not the flavor you wanted. So it’s good, but it’s not as good as it could be. I’m stuck wanting things that I can’t have. Why do I do this to myself? Unobtainable.
I’m starting to freak the fuck out, kids, because it’s crunch time, especially in Senior Seminar, and I’m not making the progress I feel like I should be making. I have no clue how the hell to even begin the presentation that’s due in a week. I have a presentation for another class in roughly a month, on a book that I haven’t even begun to think about reading. On top of it all, I just want to go home for break, and I have no way to get there at the moment. And I’m not sure I’m going to find a way. Balls.
I don’t even know how to say all the things I want to say. I feel emotionally retarded.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I stumbled. People keep telling me that I’m too hard on myself, but I have an idea of how I want to be, and I’m not sticking to it very well. Granted, kissing isn’t sex. And it was very brief. But it still makes me look back and cringe. My stomach flip-flops. It’s a really harsh moment of “shit.“
But that’s okay. Because I have a lot to do in order to actually get the hell out of here. I have a lot of goals that I really, really want to reach, and I’m going to. Period.
Because I want it that badly.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit, Why why why?
I’ve really got to learn to stop.
It’s a downward spiral, and I don’t have anyone to pull me out of it, so I have to just work like hell to help myself. It’s incredibly hard, frustrating, and often unsuccessful. I’m tired of regressing back after I start doing so well. I think I’m almost out and then I get sucked in even deeper.
I’m just tired of this shit. I’m tired of feeling worthless or meaningless. I’m tired of being afraid.
Someone punch me in the face, and tell me that I’m an idiot. I can’t even learn from my mistakes, as I keep making the same ones over and over and over again.
I’m sure it will all be okay.
The question is when?
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, SEXXX, Why why why?
What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Doing.
I need to knock this shit off, and pronto.
Apparently, I don’t have the willpower I seem to think I have. God. Damn it.
This is coming to an end. I need to stop drinking, period.
I have better things to do.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I need to knock it the fuck off.
What the fuck am I doing to myself?
I don’t know if it’s alcohol, or just my blatant disregard for myself due to a lack of self-respect, but I am doing things that aren’t characteristic of me. Again. Granted, some part of me does want to do them, hence why I do, but I don’t think that they are things that are conducive to my getting better. I’m okay, I think, for the most part. And then…and then I do something that makes me feel cheap and disgusting the next morning, and I’m sick to my stomach with guilt, and I’m not sure why I feel guilty at all. Because I know it’s wrong? Because I know I probably shouldn’t have done it, and whatever reason I have FOR doing it isn’t good enough? “Because I wanted to” isn’t a good enough reason for me. It is, but it’s not.
I feel like I’ve lost my fucking mind, and that’s the hard part. I’m on a quick road to destruction, and I need to grab the wheel and pull a sharp U-turn. And I recognize that, but don’t seem to be able to do it just yet. I feel like I should withdraw from the world, because my participation in it is doing me more harm than good at this point.
It’s time, for real-real, to get my shit in order.
It starts today.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I think I’ve finally reached the breaking point.
It has all culminated into one brilliant, disgusting moment, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with myself. And I don’t really know how to go about cleaning up the mess I’ve become, or the messes I’ve made.
I need to stop. Just…stop, period. I do things that make me look back and cringe. I behave in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of me, just because I can. I’ve gotten far too out of control. And it’s time to rein myself in. I don’t like the way things are going, and thus, and I have to do something about it.
The image that keeps coming into my head is that I’ve been fighting against a whirlpool. It had been pulling at me, harder and harder, and I had been swimming against it, exhausted, trying to keep myself out of it, every stroke draining me. And it just seems like I either finally lost the battle, or I just gave in, and now I’m swirling down, down, down, and if I don’t do something, I’m going to drown.
At what point am I going to start taking my own advice?
Too many unanswered questions, kids. That’s my problem.
How the fuck do I get over He when part of me wants to hold out?
And should I really hold out when there’s no guarantee?
Ugh. I’m going to do some homework now. I’m sure I’ll post again later.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
I heard that you’ve been asking ’bout me,
least that’s the word out on the street.
I just don’t know what to believe.
Why was I dumb enough to leave?
I saw you with him today.
The boy who took my place.
You seemed so much happier with me,
Or maybe that’s just the way I wanted it to be.
But it’s just another one of those days
The way you made it feel so right
The way you fit into my arms at night
I’ll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.
But it’s just another one of those days.
Can’t help but feel a little upset,
about the things you and I never had.
I had the world but instead I threw it all away.
Now it’s just another one of those days.
So tell me what happens next.
It’s out of my hands I guess.
I just don’t know what to believe.
Why don’t you tell me to believe?
Why did you let me leave?
It’s not the way its gotta be.
What’s wrong with me?
Why don’t you tell me to believe?
Why did you let me leave?
It’s not the way this has to be.
But it’s just another one of those days
The way you made it all feel so right
The way you fit into my arms tonight.
I’ll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.
But it’s just another one of those days.
You can’t help but be a little upset,
About the things you and I never had.
I had the world but instead I threw it all away.
Now it’s just another one of those days.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, WTF?
I’m in love with my ex-boyfriend.
Someone teach me to get over it.
I can’t bear the thought of her near him.
My stomach turns. It shouldn’t, but it does.
How do I let go?
Someone, please. Tell me.
Help me.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit
I am tired.
My body hurts.
My heart is conflicted.
My mind is overloaded.
I want to sleep for days.
But I want there to be someone there with me.
I think I’ve been doing pretty well with ignoring how lonely I am. Some nights are worse than others, though, especially when I feel the way I do. There is nothing I would love more than to be able to crawl into bed, cover myself in the warmth of someone’s arms, and sleep. I’m sure it’s He I miss, and his embrace, but at the same time, I kind of want to punch him in the face. Like, I want to punch him in the face and then cuddle with him. Get it out of my system and then bask in some sort of false reality.
What was will never be.
That’s hard for me.
And I don’t know why.
I was fucking happy, that’s why. And if one more person tries to tell me that I wasn’t, I’m going to freak out. I’m pretty sure I know better than anyone else how I felt. Regardless. It’s just one more awesome obstacle I have to hurdle.
I’m getting tired of jumping. Jumping hurdles. Jumping obstacles. Jumping through hoops. When do I just get to be? When do I get to just move on? He’s doing it, why can’t I? Why do I have to keep falling back down? My body is going to tire of the abuse, and I can’t do anything about it. What’s going to happen when I fall and can’t get back up again? What then?
I try not to think about it. Because I do keep getting back up. I don’t fall a lot; I mostly stumble. But I do fall. And my knees are bloody and ragged. It hurts to pick myself up and keep going. But I have to. It’s over.
It’s over.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Want to know the truth?
I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend.
He is still the most attractive guy I know.
I have no reason to be shy in saying that I want to fuck the hell out of him. Even without his encouragement.
I am a fucking idiot, and I would love to hear you tell me differently.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
So, I’m going to be honest here.
Some days, I feel pretty good. I can keep the demons at bay, or they don’t even bother to wake up at all, and I have a decent time. I function, I can breathe, everything goes well. These are good days, and I feel like I’m okay, like I’m on the path to being totally okay. Like somehow maybe the whole evolution thing really is going to pan out, and I’m on my way to standing on my own two feet. I like these days.
Other days (mostly nights) I fall down. I fall down hard. These are bad days. The demons hold me down and choke the air out of me and I feel like I can’t do anything. It literally feels like I’m losing my mind, because everything becomes so overwhelming that I can’t breathe. I cry so hard that I can’t see straight, I can’t think, I can’t do anything. Pretty much the epitome of not fucking cool.
The truth:
There are days (nights) when I miss He so much that I feel like the world is collapsing on top of me.
I am still deeply, hopelessly, painfully in love with He. I can’t turn it off.
I feel like I threw away the best thing that ever did and possibly ever will happen to me.
He is my best friend, and that is not helpful at all. When you need to turn to someone and your best friend is also the source of your pain, things don’t exactly work out.
There isn’t a single thing on this campus that doesn’t make me think of He.
Sometimes I have to stop myself from calling He and asking if he wants to go to the Admin lawn and throw a frisbee around. It’s like I’ve forgotten.
I guess that’s the nutshell version. I don’t want to go in-depth because I’ve done pretty well with not having a complete meltdown today, minus when He called me and then later when my dad called. At some point I just have to take a breath and tell myself to knock it off. The only way things are going to change is if I start to get the fuck over it. Regression’s going to happen, that’s natural. But I feel like somehow my path to recovery is flawed, and in some way, I’m repressing things. Because when the regression into misery finally hits, it hits hard. It’s debilitating.
I need some sort of giant switch so I can shut myself off sometimes. That or I need the part of my brain removed that’s devoted to He. It’s nearly inexplicable. I want so desperately to explain it, but even in my head, it sounds pathetic.
I won’t be that girl.
Edit:
There’s also this. It’s very, very rough, but I think I kind of like it. It will go somewhere eventually.
I was the apple no one wanted
perhaps because I was difficult to see
perhaps because I was difficult to reach
but you climbed
and climbed
and kept climbing
because you wanted me
your mouth watered for me
you had to have me
and you worked so hard
for so long
and then you touched me
you reached me
you picked me
and I was rotten.
I was spoiled.
I filled your mouth with bitterness
and maggots.
And I thought
you threw me away
when you let me fall from your grasp
before I realized
I discarded you
by not being sweet
and juicy
and filling you with the flavor
you had so longed for.
I loved being yours but
I bruised my skin
I yellowed my insides
I became disgusting
because I knew I could never be
the taste that you deserved.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Okay, so maybe I’m a goddamned liar. Maybe I just get far too optimistic sometimes. Maybe, just maybe, I really don’t handle being lonley very well. I truly want to believe that I am okay without He up here, and that would be a whole lot easier if I could keep myself occupied. Because it’s turning into an issue. It’s not just missing him. It’s not just feeling like something about being up here is off, missing, incomplete. It’s not just being kind of sad that we’re broken up and everything – everything – is different. It’s that I start thinking back, back to when we broke up, and I start getting sad/hurt/angry again. I go out of my way not to call He and ask him why the fuck he replaced me. And then I have to battle with myself in order to convince myself that he didn’t replace me, no matter what it feels like. Just because there is absolutely no other way I can feel about the situation doesn’t mean that that’s how it is. And mostly, I’m just fucking irate because I swear to JESUS I thought I was over this horseshit. So, in a nutshell, I am trying really hard to just not think about anything pertaining to He at all. Which is difficult. But I’m doing my best, and it’s going to get better. It’s going to get better. I refuse to allow this shit to happen again.
So. I’m not entirely sure that any of that made sense or even came out the way I wanted it to, but I had to fucking vomit it out somewhere, because I’m having a difficult time this morning. I know there’s going to be a problem when I go to bed in a decent mood and wake up feeling much less than 100%. I feel like some part of me had a super delayed reaction and is just now going through the grieving process. Which really isn’t cool. I’m exhausted with being sad at all, about anything. Especially anything regarding He.
I find myself stifling bitterness.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not sure I should even be doing this right now, because I have been far too contemplative and somewhat down for the past couple of days. I guess I just want to dump it out.
I was so gloriously okay, and then new information rears its ugly head, and I feel myself teetering on the edge of misery. I refuse to feel the way I felt before, and I don’t think I do. But some part of me has such a difficult time dealing with the situation, particularly because of some of the finer details. And it would be so much easier to deal with if people didn’t use bullshit excuses to validate the things they’ve done. Maybe that’s just me, but regardless, it’s bothersome. My biggest problem at this point is that some part of me is clinging so desperately to it all, and really, I don’t care that much. I don’t want to care. None of it is my business, and I don’t want it to be. I just don’t know how to turn myself off. It’s okay, but it’s not fucking okay. It’s driving me crazy. So most of the time, I prefer to just not think abotu it. I’m not really sure what’s going on with me, and that’s infuriating because I was doing so well, and now I feel as though I’m slipping.
I can’t wait to leave. I’ve loved the past few weeks here, hanging out with people and having a good time and whatnot, but I’m ready to remove myself from the situation. I think distance will help me put the finishing touches on distancing myself completely in terms of emotions, and that is a huge part of all my shit right now, I think.
I’ll do this again later. I really don’t have it in me right now. I’m not even sure any of this makes sense.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
The past couple of days, despite my going out of my way to keep my mind occupied, have been rough. After work tonight I came home and felt myself slipping into the same disgusting pool of misery that I have been working so hard to pull myself out of. I’m terrified and relieved to be going to councelling tomorrow. Relieved because I know or at least seriously hope that it will help me. Help me identify my emotions. Process them. Get the fuck over it all. Terrified because I’m worried that I won’t know what to say. Or just worried that I’m going to open my mouth and it’s all going to come spilling out in some incomprehensible tearful babble. I don’t want to tap into that again. I don’t want to hurt anymore and I don’t want to identify with the pain I carry around. I know it will do me good, but I don’t want to do it. I don’t deserve to feel this way. I don’t deserve what He is doing, and I hate that I have to feel anything about it. It really is none of my business but the pain of it is so fucking unbearable that I feel I’m being crushed by it. The walls close in and my lungs can’t expand and I get so fucking clausterphobic that I can’t handle it. I’m in some kind of hell. This life is a prison and I want out.
I’m bitter and resentful and still so fucking sad that I can’t handle it. I’m angry because He is regarding us unequally. It is as though he can do whatever he wants; he can move on, he can fuck people, he can be in a quasi-relationship, he can be perfectly okay, but I can’t. That idea bounces around in the back of my skull each and every day. When I stop to think about it, it becomes so infuriating and hurtful that I barely know what to do with myself.
I deserve to be happy, too.
I realized something horrifying yesterday. My dad and I were discussing the prices of things and the price of cigarettes, and I told him that I really wanted to quit, if not only because I’m throwing away money on smoking. And before the words hurled themselves from between my lips, I stopped myself, because I didn’t want to tell my father the thought that crossed my mind. The only reason I keep smoking, and that I smoke so much, is because I need a habit. Without smoking, I would go back to cutting. I thought about this for a second, thought about all the things that came with the thought, as though perhaps it were just some peripheral off-handed idea that I was using to justify smoking. But then the stark reality set in. I do. Badly. I want to bury a blade in my flesh and wrench out all the pain. I want the deep, ragged, itchy reminders that I can purge all the hurt whenever I want. And that’s why I go out of my way to do other things. That is why I smoke, almost a pack a day some days. Because I don’t need to be that girl again. Because there are better ways. Because I won’t let He have that power over me. Not anymore.
Not that long ago, I wanted, almost desperately, to keep He in my life. I wanted to keep my best friend. My rock. That idea has begun to change in a slowly rapid fashion. I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m going through the angry stage (or whatever, I’m pretending there are stages to this, I guess), or because as a person, I am disgusted by him. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m not going to pretend that the way I feel is unreasonable. It’s not. I do not in any way agree with what he has done. It is, as I said before, a difficult thing for me in terms of how to cope with it, especially because it is his life. But the way that it affects me – with his knowledge – makes it what in my mind right now is unforgivable. I’m trying. I struggle with “forgiveness” every day. I struggle with the idea that perhaps I don’t need to forgive anyone because no one did anything wrong. The entire fucking thing has my mind (not to mention my stomach) in so many knots that I really don’t know what to think anymore. Regardless. I refuse to believe that the way I feel isn’t reasonable. I’d like to meet someone who wouldn’t feel at least in some small way anything like I do right now if the same thing happened to them.
I don’t know what I deserve. But I really, really want to believe that I deserve better than how I feel right now. I want to believe that some day, someone will love me as much as I do them. More than anything, I want so desperately to believe that I do deserve to be happy.
More than anything.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
I’m a pretty terrible person.
I can’t apologize, because I already have and it’s not enough.
I really, really, really don’t want to play anymore. Bench me, coach. And once the season’s up, I’m giving up this game for good.
Love should be punished for putting us in these situations.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not doing too well, and as much as I like to put off dealing with or acknowledging that fact, it’s beginning to become prevalent and insistent. I don’t know what I need to do to be happy, and as much as I’m bitching about change lately and how much I don’t want it, I think I do. I constantly feel like something needs to happen. Something needs to change. To be different. I feel like my life is in some sort of rut of mediocrity and I am so beyond tired of it that I don’t know what to do. I am aware that I need to take control of things and make something happen if I want them to change, but at some point I just don’t know how to do it. Or I just don’t have the energy. I’m lost.
Every time I think about He, I want to burst into tears. I want to cry until the hollow ache in my chest goes away, until the feeling of dread dissipates. But it’s not going to. He treats our imminent breakup as though it isn’t something important, as though it doesn’t need to be talked about or thought about. Perhaps in a way he’s right. But I’m right too. I’ve got a lot of emotion invested in him and his behavior upsets me. This is not petty to me. He is frequently doing things that really shouldn’t bother me, but they are, and it’s breaking me down. Specifically his nonchalant attitude toward me and his hanging out with his female friends in date-like situations. He does things with his girl friends that he doesn’t do with me. In fact, we never do anything. We’ve done a few things lately, but the more time passes the more it just feels to me like we’re just good friends who have sex. Honestly, and I try very hard not to feel this way because I want to believe it isn’t the truth, I feel like he’s less interested in me than he is in the fact that he can have sex with me. I know that’s really harsh, but that’s sort of how it feels. Everything is sexual. When we hang out I hear more about my tits or my ass than I do about anything else about me. It’s nice, I suppose, but I’ve spent a very long time needing more than that and he knows it. I guess I’m just insecure and jealous and whatever, and that’s why I get so upset about these little things, but it’s that much worse when it’s things he knows bothers me and he does nothing to avoid them or not do them. I think maybe I’m off-base here, but that’s just how it feels to me. I’m so torn up about the whole retarded situation and I just want it to be different. Or easy. Or good. Something other than what it is at the moment. I guess I just wanted it to be perfect before it was over.
I’m constantly feeling inadequate physically. I am not comfortable, I guess, with how I look, and I’m not entirely sure how to go about doing something about it. As soon as I get back to school, I’ll pack on the weight again, even if I lose some this summer. I don’t think I’m fat. But I have a really hard time when everyone around me is thin and whatever. It’s the ideal that’s killing me.
I hung out with my mom today and kind of realized why I don’t like to. Don’t get me wrong, she’s my mother and I love her. I just don’t need the guilt trips and the snide comments and all the bullshit she dumps on me. I have no room in my life for people who are going to treat me that way. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes in the past, but I’m not constantly rubbing her face in hers. I wish she’d grow up and get over her shit because I’m tired of hearing it. Harsh, but true. I don’t need it. Period.
I think I’m going to start looking for a different job. I was thinking about it a lot today and the gas station is sucking the fucking life out of me. I don’t get paid enough for that.
I guess that’s it for now. I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I just want to feel like everything is going to be okay. Or at least have a few hours of not thinking about any of it. I just need a damn break.
You’re too young to be this empty, girl.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?
Sometimes I find myself feeling violently irate. As in I just want to scream at someone at the top of my lungs. I want to obliterate someone with words, just so I can feel better, or less angry. I’m just so fucking pissed off, and I cannot for the life of me discern why. I’ve been thinking about it, and I really can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just a compilation of a whole mess of things that have been bothering me, and they’ve finally built up to the point that I want to rage. I’m going to say that’s probably it, just because I can’t think of anything else. Maybe I should just rant. Maybe I will.
If it’s not one physical ailment or issue, it’s another. First, I was sick. Nasty, don’t want to get out of bed but I HAVE to go to class and oh god, now I want to die sick. When I got over that, I got a fucking sty. A STY. What a goddamn pain in the ass. It was unpleasant, and I had to put this goopy, greasy medication in it that made it difficult to see. Then, finally, that goes away, and what do you know? Hello, yeast infection! I’m so glad you decided to have a little party in my vagina without my consent. Not only is this uncomfortable and disgusting, but it disables my sexual pursuits, which in its own right is enough to piss me off. So, thank you, body, for being a fucking dicksack, and constantly bombarding me with ridiculous and irritating symptoms rather than just taking a day off and letting me be healthy.
Fucking money is the most bullshit thing on the planet. Even more bullshit than money is the tendency of institutions to charge absolutely absurd amounts of it for most commodities. Someone, please, tell me why the FUCK I am paying for an education. Explain to me, please, why I am paying thousands of dollars for less than adequate food and housing, and why I am forced to pay for health insurance via the university that covers NOTHING. The whole system is fucked, sincerely, and I would love for someone to demonstrate otherwise. Really. Please, please enlighten me. If you can refute the fact that the vast majority of the money I dump into this institution goes to athletics, you will have my interest, at least. But you CAN’T. FUCK. I’m just really, really tired of throwing away money. Yeah, yeah, I know. Welcome to being an adult, and all that bullshit. And that’s exactly what: BULLSHIT.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING in this relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love He. I really, really do. I find him incredibly attractive. He is intelligent, humorous, and I sincerely enjoy spending time with him. I have a very difficult time with the idea that I’m wasting my time with him, because as much as I don’t think I am, or don’t feel that I am, a part of me keeps insisting that, in all reality, that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s basically a long and (mostly) enjoyable road that leads indefinitely to nowhere. So why the goddamn fuck am I so floored? There are so many aspects of the relationship that are so fucked, also, and I just keep smiling because I like being around him. What the fuck is wrong with me? And talking to him about this is virtually impossible, because I’m just an over-emotional psychotic bitch that doesn’t listen to reason and can’t validate any of my points. Yeah, I think that’s just about how it goes. I try to argue my point (because it does always end up being an argument), and I’m wrong. Why? Because he said so. Unless I’m being cute, and then he’s just a whole lot nicer while still inferring that I’m wrong or by ignoring the point completely. Everything I feel is like a fire to He, I think. Most of the time he just dances around it, but sometimes he throws in a log or two. I don’t think it’s ever occurred to him that maybe he would get burned less if he attempted to help in putting it out. FUCK.
That’s all I got. All I want to do is bitch. A lot. I feel like I suck it up all the time because people want me to be nice, and cool, and collected. Relaxed and whatnot. I would be if I could just be myself without being told that I’m fucking crazy and needy. That’s basically all I hear, from just about everyone I know, and more specifically the people I care very much about (with a few exclusions). Fuck that. Fuck this. At some point I need to just get a fucking grip and be secure enough in myself to not give a shit what people think. But at this point, I do, and I’m fucking tired of them disliking me or things about me simple because they’re things that aren’t fucking sunshine and rainbows all the time.
I’m so over this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Why why why?
Today was a pretty fucking rough day. College is raping me. I don’t mean that in the sense that it’s hard. I don’t mean that in the sense that it costs a lot. I mean that in the sense that I came to college with a passion, with drive, and college is forcefully taking that away from me without my consent.
I just feel fed up. Pretty much with everything. I’m becoming more and more irritated at Spooner because he’s right. I’m fucking crazy and needy. Emphasis on the crazy. Or maybe on the needy. Either way, I’m not 100% self-sustaining, and lately, making everything seem okay isn’t as easy as I’m used to it being. That’s what I get for letting down the walls. I’m fucking loney, as hokey as that sounds, and it’s difficult. Inexplicable, and difficult.
I want my sister to come and see me just as badly as she says she needs to. I need a breath of fresh air.
I’m frustrated with my relationship. It’s good, for the most part, at least a lot better than it was for quite a while, and it has maintained that goodness. I’m frustrated sexually, and not in a good way. Blugh, I don’t even want to deal with it. There’s nothing I can really do about it, and that makes it even more frustrating.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don’t even know.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, Oh NOES, Well shit
How did this happen?
I am grossly overweight. I am 45 pounds over where I should be.
Time to start working out. Eating better. You know.
God, I disgust myself.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Inspired, Oh NOES, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Work in progress.
Tear my heart out through my chest
through my breast. Exhume me.
That’s all I’ve got for now. It came to me. I’m going to sleep for days now.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I am ready to go home.
I am not looking forward to Christmas, but I am looking forward to four weeks of NOTHING. I don’t have to worry about homework and whatnot like I did over Thanksgiving.
My birthday came and went. As I expected, it was rather uneventful. I went to dinner and went to the bars, and experienced my first real blackout. I was then hung over for at least a day and a half. Woo. And I still haven’t gotten a new ID yet because I am broke as fuck and the 20 dollars it would cost for a new ID is all the money I have. Sweet, I know.
Finals are kicking my ass. I only have two actual finals (like, exams), but I have final projects as well, and those are weighing on me. Everything is incredibly time consuming, and I don’t have time for everything. I just want to go home.
I haven’t been taking care of myself at all lately. I feel like crap basically all the time, both physically and emotionally. I’m not entirely sure how to rectify that, but I suppose that is part of the reason that I am so eager to go home. I need a fucking break. A real one.
Also, I fucking LOATHE being a girl. Menstruation is such bullshit.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m tired of feeling like how I feel is stupid just because someone else doesn’t agree with it.
I don’t invalidate your feelings. Don’t do it to me.
Don’t get impatient and rude just because you don’t like how I feel or what I’m saying. That’s hurtful.
Where’d that guy I met over the summer go? I liked him. He made me feel immaculate. He was never mean. He was never cold. He never made me second-guess myself. He had nothing but love for me.
And don’t get pissed off when I’m sad because you lied. Little white lies.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
Maybe I’m crazy. I don’t think I am.
I think I don’t have anywhere to dispose of all my emotions. So when any come out, they’re met with hostility or unfriendliness because they’re random.
I feel stifled.
Anyone would drown in this.
I’m still holding my breath.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit, Why why why?
I play a game. It’s a lot like Hide-and-Seek.
I hide from life, and life seeks me.
I continue to get better at finding spots that life can’t find me in. But that just makes it that much worse when life catches up and does find me. Though rather than life finding me and simply grabbing me playfully, declaring “I found you!” it has turned into life finding me, grabbing me by the hair and thrusting me to the ground, where it proceeds to kick me in the stomach until I’m vomiting blood.
I don’t like it when reality catches up to me and I’m forced to stare at my life for what it is; a bleak and vapid emptiness that scares the hell out of me because there is nothing ahead. I have a grand total of 30-some-odd dollars in my bank account. I have no means of income, a family that (for the most part) is just as financially lacking as I am, and a boyfriend who spends too much money basically supporting me in general. I need quite a few things from the store, and I can’t buy them because I have so little money to get me through until January. JANUARY. The worst part about this is the fact that I know it’s going to work out; money issues always do. But I’m tired of feeling panicked and stressed because I don’t know when something will go wrong that requires more money than I have. And my dad (and everyone else, for that matter) would tell me to get a job, but it’s not that simple. Yea, I only have classes two days a week. But I also have a metric shitload of homework that goes along with those classes. I constantly have something to read or something to write, and I know for a fact that a job, despite being financially lucrative, would be detrimental to my schooling. I already have a C in one of my classes (it’s a big deal to me – shut the fuck up), and having to focus my energy on school AND a job (even if it was only like two days a week) would fucking drain me. I’m one of those people that has to give their all, no matter what they’re doing. I bust my ass in school, and I bust my ass at whatever job I have. The catch is that I can’t bust my ass at school AND at a job. So don’t bust my ass at my job, right? Just go, get it done, whatever? Sorry, no. I can’t do it. I’ve tried before. I was brought up better than that. Even if I hate my job, I give it all I’ve got. But I need to give school all I’ve got. Regardless, I suppose I’m mostly just pissed off because college fucked me. I busted my ass to get a 4.0 with the idea that I would get some pretty nice finanical aid as reward, but apparently only first and second-year students are rewarded for good grades. So what little money I did get this semester went mostly to books, and that left me with very little left over, and now I’ve basically got shit. Essentially, in a nut-shell, I’m tired of scraping the bottom of the barrel. One of these days I’m going to scratch my way right through and I’ll hit rock bottom, and then what?
I’m also stressed as fuck about my dad. It’s stupid, but I can’t help it. Thinner moved out after lying to him and fucking around in some very immature and incredibly inconsiderate ways, and he’s pretty torn up about it. As much as he likes to deny it, my father can’t stand being alone. My brother and his girlfriend are moving in, and that’s good, for my dad’s sake (and probably my brother’s, too), but that in itself brings up another huge issue that’s eating away at me. I now have nowhere to live. My brother and his girlfriend just moved into my room, so I’ve got nothing. The whole predicament arises at the fact that my car broke, and once my dad “fixes” it, it’s sold (so I’m looking forward to that chunk of cash, but who knows when that will be [which isn't bitching; my dad is a busy/broken guy, I'm not about to get on his ass about fixing it sooner]) – leaving me without transportation. This means that this summer (it’s not entirely stupid that I’m thinking about summer already) I need to have somewhere in town to live, because there’s no way I can expect my dad or my brother to drive me to/from work, nor can I walk or ride my bike every day. And I essentially have nowhere in town to live that offers the same benefits as living with my dad. I didn’t have to pay rent. That’s a huge deal, especially considering that I need to be saving my money for a new car and for bills, etc. I’m sure that I could talk to my mom and work something out, but I really don’t want to live with my mom. I love her, but I can’t deny that spending three months living with her would turn into hell. We butt heads a lot. I mean, I stayed with her for about a month this last summer, and we ended up having what I consider to be silent feuds. I love her, I do. But I can’t live with her for extended periods of time because, essentially, we piss each other off; she gets on my nerves and I’m a rude, hurtful bitch toward her.
Really, oustide all the bitching (really, I’m kind of irritating myself at this point), what it all boils down to is I literally feel like my life is falling apart. I’m going to have to ask my roommate if I can use her fucking shampoo. That’s how bad it is (that doesn’t seem bad, but it’s not like I can use her shit from now on…). I just feel like I’m being forced to be a grown-up AND a college student, and it’s not that it can’t be done, it’s that I wasn’t ready for it. I haven’t been expecting that, I’m not used to that, and I don’t want to do that. I haven’t HAD to do that. Truth be told, I’m scared. I’m scared shitless that this is the rest of my life.
And I’m pretty fucking ill-prepared.
Every time I say this, I don’t know what it means, but it is exactly how I feel: I want to go home.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, Why why why?
I am not perfect. I am far from it.
I am stubborn.
I am obsessive.
I am a perfectionist.
I am insecure.
I am ignorant.
I am high-strung.
I am immature.
I am terrified.
I am the way I am, and that’s all I can be. That’s all I want to be expected to be.
I want to be loved.
I don’t want to grow up.
I want order because my mind is chaos.
I want acceptance despite my faults.
I just want to be happy. I want to be okay with my faults.
I want to be loved despite my faults.
I want to be.
I’m tired of being tired.
I’m tired of being stressed.
I’m tired of being a bitch.
I’m tired of being fickle.
I’m tired of being over-expectant.
I said it before.
I’ll say it a thousand times more.
I just want to be happy.
Stubbornly, obsessively, perfectly, insecurely, ignorantly, immaturely happy.
I don’t need to feel like that’s too much to ask. Of anyone. For any reason.
I really need to get my shit together.
I can honestly say I don’t think I’m all that stable.
I feel like a giant pile of shit.
Everything is piling up, and coincidentally, I feel as though I’m spiraling the drain.
I don’t even have the energy for this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.
And in the words of Forrest Gump, “That’s all I hafta say about that.”
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit, Why why why?
Le sigh.
It’s been a long weekend (yes, Monday is part of my weekend). I find myself in some sort of rut where I really don’t want to do anything while simultaneously freaking out because I have a huge test tomorrow that I fear I am going to epically fail. And I need to shower. And I need to do laundry. And I need to clean up my fucking living room (thanks suitemate, you’re a fucking asshole). And I need to rearrange my room so my dad can fit in it. And I need to do so much fucking schoolwork that sort of crept up on me (I didn’t procrastinate, I just seem to forget about it and then remember at the last minute when I don’t feel like doing ANYTHING). I essentially got drunk three nights in a row, and then proceeded to lose my fucking cell phone (not necessarily because I was drunk. It was a situation, I suppose, that I do not feel like explaining).
I feel alien to my own skin.
I want to write a blog. But I really have other things I should be doing. I shouldn’t have even done this much. I shouldn’t even be online. I should be buried in books.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Well shit, Why why why?
It’s been a while, and I would apolgize, but I can only think of one person that is even remotely interested in what I write here. So I suppose I’m not too concerned with mustering up the energy for a sincere apology.
This weekend, I did some terrible things to He, and I still feel like I’m going to vomit when I think about it. My actions were completely unwarranted (despite how I felt they were at the time…), and catalyzed by alcohol, the things that came out of my mouth were, are, and forever will be damnable. I was both emotionally and physically abusive toward He, and at this moment, I’m still not entirely sure why he still wants to be with me. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: He deserves better than me. Period. I will never forgive myself for what I did to him; the pain I caused with my ignorant alcohol-induced rage.
I may be getting sick, though my dad says it might just be allergies. Either way, I don’t want it, and I don’t like it. There’s enough going on that I don’t need to get sick. I just feel like shit in general anyway, so I’m not looking forward to the crappiness that will be how I feel if I do get sick.
I also need to say thank you to Poser (again) for being there for me this weekend while I was crazy and panicky and drunk. I think she gets tired of me (I know I would), and I appreciate that she was still there for me even though it was stupidly early in the morning and I was bawling and incomprehensible.
I thought I was going to have more to say. It seems as though I’ve lost all enthusiasm.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, Oh NOES, WTF?, Why why why?
Why do I do stupid things?
Why do I hurt the people I care about most?
Why am I so fucked up?
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
So, my phone took a fucking dive yesterday, and I have to wait until tomorrow to get a new one. What the fuck is the point of having insurance on my phone if I still have to pay a goddamned deductible of $50 to replace it? Money down the fucking drain, like always.
Which reminds me. My check was going to be super fantastic, and I was overly stoked about it, and then noted the fact that taxes ruin my goddamn life. It was still a decent check, but after paying for my phone, and then gas, and then having to pay the phone bill soon, I’m going to have very little money. Again. I’m so fucking sick of living paycheck to paycheck. I’m not even out of school yet, and the fucking adult life is raping me, hard.
Which reminds me. I don’t have enough money for school. I was going to call Financial Aid today, but I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING PHONE, so I can’t. I’m hoping that I can get some more money, otherwise I’m totally fucked. There’s nothing I can do. When am I going to start getting paid for my existance? That would be lovely. Just like, a nickel for every time I take a breath or something.
Ugh. I’m tired. I just want enough money to take care of everything without having to work my ass off for not enough money for anything. I’m tired of shit going wrong, and I’m tired of having to struggle to make ends meet. I’m 20 goddamn years old and I already feel like I’ve been working my entire life. I suppose bitching doesn’t really change anything, but every now and then I just get fed the fuck up. I don’t want to play anymore.
P.S. My boyfriend is adorable.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
And alcohol seems to emphasize the fact.
I was a complete idiot last night. Things got out of control in my brain. I got people pissed off at me. I broke the law. It was a very good very bad night.
I got laid, though. I’m still not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.
I just want to sleep a lot.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I always screw myself, Meh, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
I think the consensus is that I do get a little too worked up about things a little too soon. I tend to get highly irritated in the moment instead of letting it roll off. And then I sleep on it, and there’s a brand new day there to make me feel a bit better about things. I’m still at least slightly irate, but it has lessened significantly. It’s nice.
Today feels wonderful, minus the fact that I discovered that I am completely broke again. Granted, I get my paycheck on Monday or Tuesday, but that still sucks right this moment. It’s been a little while since I haven’t had ANY money, at least since I started working for the summer. And it totally blows that all the money I get goes to bills and gas. This whole being an adult thing totally blows. And hard.
I want to taste the inside of someone’s mouth. I want to kiss someone, hard. That’s the thing; it transitions occassionally from wanting to fuck to just wanting to have a hardcore, heated makeout session. And somehow, I still can’t manage to obtain either one. I don’t think my standards are too high. But maybe I should lower them. I guess it all depends on how desperate I get.
Have a lovely day today, kids. Make sure you put some sunblock on. The sun is PISSED.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
Let me start by telling you how much I hate my job. I really do. I loathe essentially everything about my current occupation, and there isn’t a damned thing I can do about it, because it’s only a summer job and I desperately need the money. Don’t get me wrong, my boss is a total badass and I really like working for him. I’m just tired of standing for 8-9 solid hours, dealing with assholes, cleaning up after assholes, doing the jobs of assholes. It’s my goddamned work ethic and the fact that I (generally) have a very hard time half-assing things. I shouldn’t care so much, and I can’t help it. Really, I’m just grumpy because my feet really hurt (my BODY really hurts) and I’m tired.
Also, though I enjoyed the brief intermission, my craving for sex, along with the vivid imagery, has returned. I fall asleep thinking about someone clawing their fingers into my hips. I wake up imagining someone’s tongue/mouth on my neck. And the dreams in between…fuck, my nipples get hard just thinking about them. I’m ready to get some damned sassisfaction, if you know what I’m saying. And I just can’t lower my standards enough to have a one night stand. I just want someone that I can go hang out with, have hot, amazing sex with, cuddle and fall asleep with, and still talk to later. That would be fantastic. Plus, it has to be someone I’m comfortable with, otherwise my insecurities will ruin everything. I’m beginning to be somewhat irate concerning the lack of dick in my vagina.
I got a new phone today, which is pretty sweet. The screen wouldn’t work, so I couldn’t see anything. It sucked. So I spent way too fucking long in Verizon today and they gave me a new phone.
FUCK. I at least want someone to fucking hit on me. I suppose I can handle not having sex, but it’s like I’m not even attractive. Maybe I should just hang out with uglier people. I really don’t think I’m an unattractive girl. In fact, I think there are a lot of things about me that are attractive. Unfortunately, it seems as though penis people don’t agree with me. Oh my GAWD. I need a fuckbuddy. UGH. Sweet baby jesus, I’m losing my mind right now.
Last night was awesome. I was stupid, but it was a good time. MO’ FUCKIN’ FOHDEES NIGHT, yo. It was good.
Aaaaand…that’s all I’ve got, unless I continue going off about sex, and I think I’ll spare myself the torture.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit
Who the fuck am I and what the hell am I doing with my life?
I want to put my head between my knees and cry hysterically. I don’t know why. It just feels incredibly overdue. I’m being irresponsible and I’m not taking care of myself at all. I’m SAD and I don’t know why. I can think of a few contributing things, but I don’t understand why I am SO down as I am.
Truth of the matter is, I’m a fraud.
I want to cry.
I want to cry while someone hugs me.
I want to get it out of my goddamned system.
All of it.
I’m nearing rock bottom. Rapidly.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit, Why why why?
I need to stop doing what I have been doing lately. Sometimes it hits me way too late and I don’t understand why. But getting plastered out of my mind as often as I have in the last week is a terrible idea, and yet I continue doing it. Last night was a pretty good night, though. There was minimal drama (I suppose it can never fully be prevented), and I had a generally good time. Delicious hookah makes everything that much better as well. But the way I feel today, looking back on some of the things I did or allowed to happen, makes me want to vomit. Who am I?
quarterlife hates me, I’m pretty sure. I feel bad because I was incredibly mean to her last night, but at the same time, I don’t. I’m just tired of being thrust in the middle of a very simple situation that is made out to be so much more difficult than it really is. Ugh.
I want a hug.
I had an incredibly hot dream this morning, and I remember it completely, and it sucks. Why couldn’t this one fall out of my head like the crazy dreams I had the night before last?
I hate how everything seems to be falling apart right in front of me and it’s all my fault.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
And I hate it. Loathe it. Abhor it.
I’ve sunken into a quiet depression that I constantly ignore. And tonight, in the culmination of my confronting drama llamas shitting all over my life, I almost lost it. The depression reared it’s ugly head, and I nearly had a complete breakdown in the middle of Denny’s. I’ve come to terms with an overpowering feeling that makes me want to curl up into a little ball and cry for the rest of my life: I am alone. I constantly push away the people I care most about, and I don’t realize that I am doing it until it is too late. It took two and a half years for me to do it with He. And damned if my skills aren’t improving, because it only took about a week with Spooner. And I seem to be doing a hell of a job with quarterlife as well. It’s time for me to dump. Brutally honest, harsh, and unnecessarily dramatic. Ready, kids? Strap in for a ride.
He: My tactics for dealing with the end of what had become a normal part of my life are completely fucked up, and as much as they seem to be working, they’re not. Avoidance. That’s all I’m doing. I’m avoiding thinking about him. I’m avoiding admitting to missing him. I’m avoiding the whole situation, and doing such has prevented me from being a blubbering, pathetic idiot. But when it comes down to it, I’m miserable. I want to lay around and cry and wallow in self-pity. Because truth be told, my heart is broken, and I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t want to deal with that. And I know sooner or later I’m going to self-destruct because I am neglecting my personal repsonsibility to myself, and am attempting to “recover” in the worst ways possible. There is no possible way I’m ever going to get over it if I don’t face it and accept it. But I don’t have the strength, and I am terrified. I can’t do it on my own, and no one can do it with me. So I’m fucked. Truth? I’m not sad because we broke up. I’m sad because I am in love with him and our relationship was going nowhere fast. I’m sad because I am in love with him and that wasn’t enough. I’m sad because I wasn’t able to make an amazing man as happy as he made me, or, more importantly, as happy as he deserves to be. I’m sad because everything is eventual.
quarterlife: I love her dearly, I really do. But my brain has taken over and tough love has kicked in. I empathize with a lot of her situations. But my brain will not allow me to condone the poor choices she makes in order to deal with her problems. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. And then I forced myself to hear the delightful popping noise when the head comes out of the ass and starts breathing oxygen. More than any other friendship, my patience is being tested. I will not give up on her, and I am not judging her. I simply want more for her, and I want her to want more for herself. I am sure I am not the friend she expected or wanted me to be, and I feel bad about that. But I can only do so much. I can only be so much. And I know for a fact that my expectations are not too high, because she is a truly remarkable human being. It’s just infuriating watching her flail around while not realizing that about herself.
Spooner: Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can’t tell myself “I told you so” enough at this point. Prime example of my innate capability to create distance between myself and the people I desire to be closest to. Fuck.
The question I keep asking myself is this: What the fuck am I doing with my life? I’m not quite sure exactly what I mean when I ask that, but I really want to know the answer. Why am I refusing to deal with the loss I have just experienced? Why do I feel badly about everything that I do? Why does my stomach always hurt?
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
I wrote this three years ago, and somehow, it still makes sense.
“Fuck Your Fairytale Ending”
There is no happy ending
for this chaotic one-way love.
No fairytale,
no movie scene,
no happy rise above.
There is no course of action
for this confusing complex game.
No path to choose,
no road to take,
the feelings stay the same.
There is no quick solution
for this fire we allow to burn.
No air-tight space,
no water hose,
these scars teach us to learn.
There is no consolation
for this emotion misconstrued.
No happy end,
no fairytale,
just me and solitude.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
I thought I was done. But I’m not. My mind is filled to the brim tonight, and I’ve got to get it all out, even though I’m pretty sure only one person that even knows me reads this.
I feel inadequate. I feel as though I do not meet up to any sort of expectations, and that is why I am miserable. That is why I failed at my relationship. That is why my friendships give out. That is why I am alone.
My chest is empty. There is a gaping wound there, hollow and pulsing. I believe it is a combination of events and emotions that has caused its appearance, but I can’t figure out how to fill it. I’m not sure what to do in order to make it better. I can cover it up all I want, but that’s purely superficial and gets me nowhere. Because underneath, it is still there, taunting me, hurting me, killing me. Emptiness seethes out from every pore. I am heavy with the stuff. I have developed some sort of incapability with self-expression lately; I do not know how to articulate or even discern my emotions and therefore dwell in some ever-present pool of discomfort and depression. A contemplative state of mind in which I cannot grasp what it is that I am thinking about, and even more frustrating, why I am thinking about it.
Love is like a sponge. It sucks you up, but when you get squeezed out, you’re full of shit and DIRTY. I feel exhausted. I’m trying to keep myself out of the house, and I’m working on getting a job. I should be elated at getting a 4.0 again this semester, but I don’t really care. I’ve lost interest in things that should be important to me, and all I really want to do is lay around or simply not talk. All people do is let you down. And sometimes loving someone sucks so much that it becomes indescribable, and is nothing more than a gaping crevice in your being that exudes pain. They say misery loves company, but they’re wrong.
I am truly baffled by whatever my mind is doing to me concerning Spooner. I am very certain that I do not have romantic feelings for him. I am only vaguely physically attracted to him. But there is something about him that makes me crazy curious. And if I’m going to be honest with the world (and more importantly, myself), I want to kiss him. I want to go back in time, and be single Saturday night when he tried to kiss me. I cannot explain it and I don’t understand it, but my mind continues to wander to the thought of it. It’s not that I want to kiss him because I’m curious as to what it would be like, not because I want to rebound, but rather because…I want to kiss him. Period. Some part of me wants to plant my hands on either side of his face and taste his mouth. And because I cannot for the life of me figure out why this is, as well as all of the jealous and possessive feelings that seem to go along with it, I’m losing my mind. And I truly believe that quarterlife and I are developing a silent hatred toward each other when it comes to him, which is, in and of itself, complete madness. Nothing seems to make sense anymore, which is just so goddamned convenient considering how badly I need them to.
There is something very, very wrong with me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Well shit
If not only for a little while. My stomach doesn’t seem terribly angry today. I actually got out of bed and did something productive. I cleaned the house up a bit, and took a shower. I feel a little better.
I’m anxious. I want to see He, but at the same time, I feel like that will only bring my world crashing back down on top of me. I want so desperately to remain friends with him, but I’m sure that leaning on him for the support I need to get through this isn’t going to work. Love doesn’t love me, you know?
quarterlife makes me nervous. That’s all I’m going to say. And unfortunately, she’s got my opinions about certain important people in her life somewhat wrong.
Someone give me an amazing job that will pay me what I’m worth and what I need.
Ugh.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy
I don’t have the energy or the creativity to come up with a good title for this post.
I feel sick to my stomach, and I don’t know if it’s some sort of hangover or if it’s guilt. I feel incredibly guilty, even though, in all technicality, I didn’t do anything wrong. Maybe it’s because some part of me did want to do something wrong. Badly.
But I didn’t and that’s what’s important. I even called BF He and told him about what happened last night. And I just feel shitty about all of it. I’m not necessarily unhappy that it happened, I just…ugh. I’m tired of drama and bullshit and me having to feel like a giant asshole about everything I do when I drink. I have a boyfriend. I love him with every ounce of my being (as much as I complain or get incredibly pessimistic about our relationship). I cheated on him once, and I’m not going to do it again. I’ve been in several situations where the opportunity was presented, and I haven’t done it. Even if I’ve wanted to. But it’s awkward when it’s one of BF’s He’s friends. I’ve never actually liked Spooner all that much, because he always came off as a dick. But last night was different. I don’t have feelings for him, but I appreciate what happened last night if not only because I feel like I made a friend. However, I still feel guilty.
I worry that I’ve somehow let quarterlife down. I don’t think I’m nearly as much as she thought I would be, and I feel like she doesn’t like me nearly as much as she thought she did. I feel like I need to brace myself for the inevitable.
I am not content with how I feel right now. At all.
