Filed under: Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I don’t know what I need to do differently (well, I suppose I do), but something has got to change. I’m getting really tired of getting up to go work out and being struck with the overwhelming need to vomit. So I dry heave a bunch, and then go lift weights, and dry heave a bunch, and then come back to my room, and then go to Bodysculpting, and dry heave a bunch, and work out, and then go actually puke (it’s mostly just bile, which, let me tell you, is tons of fun), and then work out more. Today I felt like I was going to pass out, and there were pretty little stars floating around in my field of vision for the better part of the class.
I know I just need to eat more, specifically breakfast, but it’s really hard, because eating breakfast makes me throw up, too (yes, I’ve tried it). I eat really well when I do eat, I just don’t do it often enough, I suppose. My dad seems to be pretty concerned about it, because I called him to ask him about what I could do or what was going on, and he asks me every time we talk if I’m still puking.
I suppose it’s the price you pay to look good? I can’t even really tell if anything is changing for me body-wise. I seem to have plateaued at 150, which is kind of depressing, but my pants are also too big for me, and there’s definition in my biceps and shoulders/back. I suppose living in my body makes it hard for me to judge the changes, if in fact there are many/any.
I really want someone to come cuddle with me and watch a movie.
And it’s been FAR too long since I’ve had sex or done anything even close to it. It’s good, but oh, oh, so fucking bad.
I want to go home. Two weeks.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I preface this with a sigh, because that is all I have.
My body aches. My mind aches. Everything aches. Everything is tired. I’m ready for this semester, at very least, to be over.
I haven’t had sex in a month, and though I take pride in that, it’s also extremely frustrating, in more ways than I care to address at current.
I’m going to run out of money, and that’s okay, I guess, but again, frustrating.
I really just want to get all my shit done so I can sit around with some “friends” and drink some beer and refuckinglax.
More when I actually have time.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Stephen King wrote that, and it just kind of stuck with me.
Some day, I’m going to learn that loving myself is more important than loving someone else, especially when it is thrown in my face that I’m wasting (and possibly had wasted) my time.
Some day, I’m going to wake up and look in the mirror and believe that I’m as beautiful as I think I am on the inside.
Some day, I’m going to fix all the things I’ve broken, including myself.
I’m doing better lately. I resist temptations, or at least the ones that I know will get me into trouble or lead me to something I know I will regret. I’m angsty and sad and bitter, but I’m doing okay. Or at least very close to okay, most of the time. I think stupid amounts of physical activity helps.
I refuse to believe that I am a bad person, but I feel like I am. And I’m exhausted. I’m tired of feeling nothing but negative things about myself as a result of everything with He. It’s stupid. But I can’t bring myself to change it. I don’t really know how. Some of it is in his hands, I suppose, and it’s all such clusterfuckery that it doesn’t matter.
It never really mattered.
Some day, I’m going to have the strength to rise from the ashes and begin anew.
I am beautiful and brilliant. I am a good friend and a good person, and I am overlooked.
I don’t want to do it all over with someone else. That’s part of my problem, I think. I don’t want it with anyone else. I never asked for marriage. I never asked for forever. I never asked for much.
I’m sorry I couldn’t show you how much I love(d) you. And it’s not that I didn’t. I couldn’t. And now that I can, you don’t care.
I have so much to say, and no one to say it to.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Want to know the truth?
I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend.
He is still the most attractive guy I know.
I have no reason to be shy in saying that I want to fuck the hell out of him. Even without his encouragement.
I am a fucking idiot, and I would love to hear you tell me differently.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not doing too well, and as much as I like to put off dealing with or acknowledging that fact, it’s beginning to become prevalent and insistent. I don’t know what I need to do to be happy, and as much as I’m bitching about change lately and how much I don’t want it, I think I do. I constantly feel like something needs to happen. Something needs to change. To be different. I feel like my life is in some sort of rut of mediocrity and I am so beyond tired of it that I don’t know what to do. I am aware that I need to take control of things and make something happen if I want them to change, but at some point I just don’t know how to do it. Or I just don’t have the energy. I’m lost.
Every time I think about He, I want to burst into tears. I want to cry until the hollow ache in my chest goes away, until the feeling of dread dissipates. But it’s not going to. He treats our imminent breakup as though it isn’t something important, as though it doesn’t need to be talked about or thought about. Perhaps in a way he’s right. But I’m right too. I’ve got a lot of emotion invested in him and his behavior upsets me. This is not petty to me. He is frequently doing things that really shouldn’t bother me, but they are, and it’s breaking me down. Specifically his nonchalant attitude toward me and his hanging out with his female friends in date-like situations. He does things with his girl friends that he doesn’t do with me. In fact, we never do anything. We’ve done a few things lately, but the more time passes the more it just feels to me like we’re just good friends who have sex. Honestly, and I try very hard not to feel this way because I want to believe it isn’t the truth, I feel like he’s less interested in me than he is in the fact that he can have sex with me. I know that’s really harsh, but that’s sort of how it feels. Everything is sexual. When we hang out I hear more about my tits or my ass than I do about anything else about me. It’s nice, I suppose, but I’ve spent a very long time needing more than that and he knows it. I guess I’m just insecure and jealous and whatever, and that’s why I get so upset about these little things, but it’s that much worse when it’s things he knows bothers me and he does nothing to avoid them or not do them. I think maybe I’m off-base here, but that’s just how it feels to me. I’m so torn up about the whole retarded situation and I just want it to be different. Or easy. Or good. Something other than what it is at the moment. I guess I just wanted it to be perfect before it was over.
I’m constantly feeling inadequate physically. I am not comfortable, I guess, with how I look, and I’m not entirely sure how to go about doing something about it. As soon as I get back to school, I’ll pack on the weight again, even if I lose some this summer. I don’t think I’m fat. But I have a really hard time when everyone around me is thin and whatever. It’s the ideal that’s killing me.
I hung out with my mom today and kind of realized why I don’t like to. Don’t get me wrong, she’s my mother and I love her. I just don’t need the guilt trips and the snide comments and all the bullshit she dumps on me. I have no room in my life for people who are going to treat me that way. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes in the past, but I’m not constantly rubbing her face in hers. I wish she’d grow up and get over her shit because I’m tired of hearing it. Harsh, but true. I don’t need it. Period.
I think I’m going to start looking for a different job. I was thinking about it a lot today and the gas station is sucking the fucking life out of me. I don’t get paid enough for that.
I guess that’s it for now. I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I just want to feel like everything is going to be okay. Or at least have a few hours of not thinking about any of it. I just need a damn break.
You’re too young to be this empty, girl.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Why why why?
I am still exhausted.
I’m trying to figure out why it is that every summer I keep going back to the gas station for work. I know it’s because I know I can get a job there no matter what. I know it’s because I don’t have time to look for another, better job and I don’t have time to waste because I need money. But the way things are going, those really aren’t good enough reasons for me. I seriously need a better job because I’m getting really tired of being just about the only person in that place that gives a fuck about actually working. I generally do about 85% of the work and I’m tired of it. Plus, my feet hurt. A lot. But that’s because I need new shoes. Oh. And I need new pants, because the only pair that I have that fit me have holes in the crotch. Why can’t I just win the lottery? I can’t even comprehend how much money 192 million IS.
Ugh. That’s all. I’m getting really anxious about my dad’s fiance and her daughters coming, too. That’s coming up fast. I don’t even have a bedroom. Good god…ugh.
That’s all for now. I don’t really just want to go off on some sort of “pity me” rant so I’m done.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?
Sometimes I find myself feeling violently irate. As in I just want to scream at someone at the top of my lungs. I want to obliterate someone with words, just so I can feel better, or less angry. I’m just so fucking pissed off, and I cannot for the life of me discern why. I’ve been thinking about it, and I really can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just a compilation of a whole mess of things that have been bothering me, and they’ve finally built up to the point that I want to rage. I’m going to say that’s probably it, just because I can’t think of anything else. Maybe I should just rant. Maybe I will.
If it’s not one physical ailment or issue, it’s another. First, I was sick. Nasty, don’t want to get out of bed but I HAVE to go to class and oh god, now I want to die sick. When I got over that, I got a fucking sty. A STY. What a goddamn pain in the ass. It was unpleasant, and I had to put this goopy, greasy medication in it that made it difficult to see. Then, finally, that goes away, and what do you know? Hello, yeast infection! I’m so glad you decided to have a little party in my vagina without my consent. Not only is this uncomfortable and disgusting, but it disables my sexual pursuits, which in its own right is enough to piss me off. So, thank you, body, for being a fucking dicksack, and constantly bombarding me with ridiculous and irritating symptoms rather than just taking a day off and letting me be healthy.
Fucking money is the most bullshit thing on the planet. Even more bullshit than money is the tendency of institutions to charge absolutely absurd amounts of it for most commodities. Someone, please, tell me why the FUCK I am paying for an education. Explain to me, please, why I am paying thousands of dollars for less than adequate food and housing, and why I am forced to pay for health insurance via the university that covers NOTHING. The whole system is fucked, sincerely, and I would love for someone to demonstrate otherwise. Really. Please, please enlighten me. If you can refute the fact that the vast majority of the money I dump into this institution goes to athletics, you will have my interest, at least. But you CAN’T. FUCK. I’m just really, really tired of throwing away money. Yeah, yeah, I know. Welcome to being an adult, and all that bullshit. And that’s exactly what: BULLSHIT.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING in this relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love He. I really, really do. I find him incredibly attractive. He is intelligent, humorous, and I sincerely enjoy spending time with him. I have a very difficult time with the idea that I’m wasting my time with him, because as much as I don’t think I am, or don’t feel that I am, a part of me keeps insisting that, in all reality, that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s basically a long and (mostly) enjoyable road that leads indefinitely to nowhere. So why the goddamn fuck am I so floored? There are so many aspects of the relationship that are so fucked, also, and I just keep smiling because I like being around him. What the fuck is wrong with me? And talking to him about this is virtually impossible, because I’m just an over-emotional psychotic bitch that doesn’t listen to reason and can’t validate any of my points. Yeah, I think that’s just about how it goes. I try to argue my point (because it does always end up being an argument), and I’m wrong. Why? Because he said so. Unless I’m being cute, and then he’s just a whole lot nicer while still inferring that I’m wrong or by ignoring the point completely. Everything I feel is like a fire to He, I think. Most of the time he just dances around it, but sometimes he throws in a log or two. I don’t think it’s ever occurred to him that maybe he would get burned less if he attempted to help in putting it out. FUCK.
That’s all I got. All I want to do is bitch. A lot. I feel like I suck it up all the time because people want me to be nice, and cool, and collected. Relaxed and whatnot. I would be if I could just be myself without being told that I’m fucking crazy and needy. That’s basically all I hear, from just about everyone I know, and more specifically the people I care very much about (with a few exclusions). Fuck that. Fuck this. At some point I need to just get a fucking grip and be secure enough in myself to not give a shit what people think. But at this point, I do, and I’m fucking tired of them disliking me or things about me simple because they’re things that aren’t fucking sunshine and rainbows all the time.
I’m so over this.
Filed under: Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, Well shit
Jesus Christ, it’s been a rough week. I’m a goddamned rollercoaster of apathy and depression, but I still managed to get all my homework taken care of, and I’m not bawling all the time or anything, so, yay?
I’ve decided i’m going to start working out, with or without He. I keep telling him that we need to go, and he just tells me he knows, but never does anything about it. I asked him to figure out what times would work throughout the week for him, and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t done that. I’m tired of waiting around, so I need to just get over myself and go to the gym alone. So I’m going to. At very least 3 times a week. My goal is to be around 130 by the time school gets out, which is a very generous goal, but I’m trying not to set my standards too high. Plus, I’m going to have to account for muscle gain. I don’t really necessarily care how much I weigh so long as it’s muscle and not fat. Which is why I really need to go work out, and am going to.
I finished my story for Fiction class last night, and it’s utterly depressing and morbid, but I feel pretty proud of it. I’ve got to start studying my ass off for Sociology, though. I kept thinking how easy that class was, and then we got the study guide for the exam coming up, and Jesusfuck, the prof isn’t messing around. I’m probably giong to get raped on it, but I’ll do my best, ya know?
Anyway. It’s IWeek, so I can’t spend any time with He. I get to see him when I go to eat and whatnot, but it sucks because I can’t sit with him or anything. Oh well.
I guess that’s all I’ve really got for right now. I’m trying to stay upbeat despite feeling absolutely miserable and pathetic. Ugh.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, Oh NOES, Well shit
How did this happen?
I am grossly overweight. I am 45 pounds over where I should be.
Time to start working out. Eating better. You know.
God, I disgust myself.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I am ready to go home.
I am not looking forward to Christmas, but I am looking forward to four weeks of NOTHING. I don’t have to worry about homework and whatnot like I did over Thanksgiving.
My birthday came and went. As I expected, it was rather uneventful. I went to dinner and went to the bars, and experienced my first real blackout. I was then hung over for at least a day and a half. Woo. And I still haven’t gotten a new ID yet because I am broke as fuck and the 20 dollars it would cost for a new ID is all the money I have. Sweet, I know.
Finals are kicking my ass. I only have two actual finals (like, exams), but I have final projects as well, and those are weighing on me. Everything is incredibly time consuming, and I don’t have time for everything. I just want to go home.
I haven’t been taking care of myself at all lately. I feel like crap basically all the time, both physically and emotionally. I’m not entirely sure how to rectify that, but I suppose that is part of the reason that I am so eager to go home. I need a fucking break. A real one.
Also, I fucking LOATHE being a girl. Menstruation is such bullshit.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
And alcohol seems to emphasize the fact.
I was a complete idiot last night. Things got out of control in my brain. I got people pissed off at me. I broke the law. It was a very good very bad night.
I got laid, though. I’m still not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.
I just want to sleep a lot.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
Today was unbearably long. Work dragged past.
The other night (morning) was amazing, I have decided. Saber said it was lame, but I disagree. I wish nights (mornings) like that would happen more often. There wasn’t any drama, or if there was, it was minimal and brief. It was fantastic. Plus, I got a bit of makeout action. Hooray.
He and I have been hanging out lately, and the more I reflect on our time together, the more I feel like I am accidentally leading him on. That is not my intention, and I have made my stand. We are NOT getting back together. But I feel like no matter what I do, I instill some sort of false hope in him, and I don’t want to do that, because it only makes things harder for him and more difficult for our friendship. He continues to tell me that I am his best friend, and I am completely fine with that. I want to be the best friend for him that I can be. But I feel like I am the cause of the majority of his problems, and pulling out completely seems as though it would be just as detrimental as what’s happening at current. All I can do is be myself and be there for him, but he wants to spend a lot of time with me, and I don’t really have the heart anymore to tell him that maybe the amount of time we’re spending together is hurting him more than helping him. It’s a Catch-22 because I can’t be his best friend without being around him or talking to him or being there for him, but those things don’t help him get over me. It is, however, his choice, and I’m going to let him do whatever he thinks is best for him. It’s all I can do, really.
I think my vagina has finally developed a mind of its own, and it occassionally decides to over-rule my real mind. The slightest thing can set me off on a sexual tangent, and I’m not sure what to do when that happens. So I sit around, frustrated, and wait for it to wear off, which it never does or takes an excrutiatingly long time to do. Sex is sex, and I don’t have feelings for anyone, and yet I still seem to be incapable of getting laid. And my vagina is not so thrilled about it. Thus, I’m not so thrilled about it.
I feel good.
Filed under: Fuck, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I feel as though I should still be asleep. Somehow I seem to be incapable of pulling all-nighters anymore. And upon waking this morning, my whole body, particularly my back and shoulders, hurts.
A lot of things have been happening lately, and I don’t know how to feel about any of them. And at the same time, I’m not really even bothering to think about how to react to them, because I really don’t care, and I really don’t need to create the drama. I really just want to go back to sleep. I don’t want to go to work today. I’m exhausted.
I’m crazy. The more I think about it, the more validity that idea has. I don’t want to be crazy, but it seems as though I can’t help it. It’s not entirely my fault.
I still don’t have the energy to write the blog I need to write. I just want to sleep. Sex and sleep. That’s what I want.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
Literally and metaphorically.
I rolled myself out of bed today earlier than I would have liked because I promised my dad and Thinner that I would work on the forest of a backyard today. My logic was not the greatest; I began the endeavor in a long-sleeved shirt thinking that would help me avoid a sunburn. And then the heat became so unbearable that I went inside to get a tanktop and ended up just working on the yard in my bra. I was only out there for a few hours, but I am now nursing a bright red burn. At least it makes for some remarkable tan lines. And I only finised half the lawn.
I Twittered that someone should bring me food at work today, not expecting it to actually happen, and then the next thing I know, He shows up with Taco Bell (HOW DID HE KNOW THAT’S WHAT I WANTED?!?) because he “stalks” my Twitter. It was strange because I didn’t expect to see him considering the events of our previous encounter, but I thanked him and he essentially ran out of the building after our interaction. I don’t know how I feel about that whole situation anymore, and to be honest, I’m tired. I just want everything to fall into some sort of groove of normalcy so that I can relax and not have to worry about the next thing he’s going to throw at me. By no means am I tired of HIM, I’m just exhausted (mostly emotionally) by the situation and it’s ever-present complexity when all I crave is for it to be as simple as it seems to me.
B-Rex and I had an interesting conversation tonight concerning my attractiveness (or lack thereof) that I am still a bit hung up on. He told me that I am attractive, but I would be more attractive if I “lost the attitude.” What attitude? The “hardass attitude.” What? I don’t intentionally act like a hardass, so I don’t know what this is. I’m a rough and tumble kind of girl, I always have been, and I probably always will be. I don’t put up with shit from anyone, and I tend to joke around (sometimes inappropriately) to get to know people or when I am in an uncomfortable situation. I am who I am, I am the way I am, and I don’t put up any fronts for facades in order to present myself as anything but. If anything, I think I need to lose a few pounds. HA.
In other news, I have the most badass father a girl could ask for. And maybe I put a little too little faith in “friends.” Meh, I’ll figure that out. Or just let it be.
Maybe I’ll just stop worrying about life so much and go with the flow. Work sucks, but it has to be done. Chores suck, but they have to be done. Drama sucks, but (some) it has to be dealt with (maturely and without creating even more). I figure I’ll take it a day at a time, because there’s only so much I can do and there are far better things for me to expend my energy on than worries and stresses that I can do absolutely nothing about.
Now. To work on making myself think like that all the time.
I’m not entirely sure what emotion I feel right now. I feel, essentially, normal, but there is something underlying that is pulling me down, making me sullen. I have that gross feeling when you’ve eaten too much and you’re somewhere between puking and wanting to fall asleep. Really, what I want is to do something fun. I want to get together with the “group” and be stupid and have a good time. It’s been a while, and I’m missing it. I feel stagnated and useless, because all I do anymore is work and sit around at home or drive around with Poser. I just want to do SOMETHING, because if I don’t, my brain is going to overwhelm me with overthinking, and I don’t need that to happen.
I don’t feel like I’m part of my body. It’s as though my brain and my body are two completely seperate entities, and they rarely if ever correlate in their desires. My brain is overactive and analytical and fucks me up. My body is wistful and craving and lusty. There has only been one constant in which the two are in agreement, and I resent it because I cannot figure it out. And I don’t know if I need to figure it out or just have fun with my life. I’m stuck in a fucking catch-22 and it totally blows.
Ugh. I just want to walk around naked. I don’t know why. I feel so goddamn constrained.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, I hate my body, I think too much, SEXXX, Well shit
I just woke up from incredibly strange dreams. I wanted to go back to sleep, but then I decided that I want to remember at least one of them.
For some reason I’m at the gas station, and Spooner comes to get gas. His pump isn’t working for some reason; it’s only allowing him to pump a few cents and then it freezes up. So a coworker and I go outside to help fix it (which is by jiggling some sort of hose that isn’t even connected to his pump…), and while doing this, he and I start a conversation that rapidly progresses into an argument. Well, more like a heated debate. Anyway, I say something to him, and he tells me to come over and talk to him, so I do. I don’t really remember what was said at that point (it’s starting to evaporate from my mind), but he then puts the nozzle back on the pump, puts one hand on either side of my face, and kisses me long and hard.
BAM
and now I’m awake.
I don’t really get it. I remember what the conversation/argument/debate we were having was about, but I don’t really feel like typing it out because that’s something I’m working on internally and the world doesn’t need to know. Regardless, I am now somewhat aroused.
Ugh.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?
Today was fucking weird. At least tonight was.
Poser and I went to see Bloom at work because I told him I might swing by after I got off work. He was incredibly busy and didn’t really have a chance to talk to us. While there, Coldplay texted me and said he was bored, so I told him Poser and I would go hang out with him. We played Rock Band for a good amount of time (AWESOME) and then Poser decided to go home to get some sleep. I hung around and we watched a movie. Cuddling progressed to…carressing?…and when the movie ended we just laid on the couch and talked for a good two hours. I’m confused and…something else not entirely discernable at the moment. Coldplay’s actions toward me tonight were uncharacteristic and (only slightly) unsettling. I’m not sure how to feel about it.
I have lunch with Bloom tomorrow, and I’m totally excited to hang out and eat free food.
Also, Holly wants to have sex. Badly.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
At about 9 or 10 tonight, I was attacked by sexual thoughts.
My vagina, I think, is beginning to take on a mind of its own. And it’s directly linked to my brain, which causes problems. I have vivid images in my head, miniature pornos running constantly behind my eyes. I want sex. Rough, dirty, meaningless sex. I want someone to hold me down. Feel me all over. I crave a flicking, hungry tongue. I want my hair pulled. My hands pinned. I want someone to mutter filthy things to me. Oh, god, how I just want someone to make me moan and bite my lip. This shit is killing me.
And rather than getting such vulgarity, I suck it up, and try to think about something else. I get through the day, because I have to. But damned if my fucking vagina doesn’t constantly work to get me to pay attention.
Ugh. Just, UGH.
Thank god for cigarettes and beer, and blogging about what a huge slut I am. HA.
I woke up this morning, multiple times (thanks to my dog), and each time, a feeling washed over me. It’s heavy. Unbearable. And I cannot discern its meaning. I feel…alone. There is a definite difference between aloneness and lonliness, and I’m almost certain I’m not lonely. Every night I wake up, restless, and turn to the other side of the bed, desperately hoping to find someone there depsite knowing that I won’t. The feeling consuming me at the moment is a result of that. It’s been building. Morning after morning, night after restless night. Ridiculously enough, it makes me feel inadequate and undesirable. Which really makes no sense. I hate feeling pathetic and unwanted, and I fight it with everything in me. But there it is. The feeling that makes me look and act desperate and needy. I just need some fucking physical interaction. Some sort of intimacy, whether genuine or not. And I’m torn apart with guilt, because it should be one person’s company I’m missing, but it’s actually someone else’s. Inexplicable and infuriating.
And then I crawl out of bed and want to collapse on the floor because I am exhausted. My body is tired. My mind is tired. I am tired.
Let me lay in your arms and sleep away the world.
Filed under: Fuck, I hate my body, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?
I have decided that it would be in my best interest (and perhaps everyone else’s as well) to remove my vagina. It causes me unnecessary trouble all the time, and I really don’t need it. If I could go through at least one solid day without an incredibly erotic and arousing thought flickering on and off in my mind, I may be inclined to change my tune and let my vagina retain residency. But at this point, she’s doing nothing but causing drama and rent is far fucking overdue. I feel it may be my only option to evict her.
Also, fuck the lingering feeling that overcame me last night. I just want to be 20 years old and have a good time with my life. I want to be responsibly reckless and possibly do things that I might regret so at least I can look back and say I did them. I know that seems crazy, but at this very moment, that’s how I feel. I want to do something remarkable and refreshing. But I continue allowing myself to fall into the same depressing and stupid downward spiral where I end up feeling like a pathetic whore despite the fact that I don’t EVER do anything sexual. I think I really need to pull my head out of my ass on this one.
I really don’t like fellatio. I like that it puts me in control, and occassionally it gets me hot knowing that I’m getting someone off, but in general, I really don’t enjoy it. And for some reason, I think about it often, at least lately. On and off, in sporatic bursts, I fight the feeling that I want to suck someone’s dick. It’s awful.
I want to watch a movie and drink some beer and just chill the fuck out. That would be lovely.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit
Who the fuck am I and what the hell am I doing with my life?
I want to put my head between my knees and cry hysterically. I don’t know why. It just feels incredibly overdue. I’m being irresponsible and I’m not taking care of myself at all. I’m SAD and I don’t know why. I can think of a few contributing things, but I don’t understand why I am SO down as I am.
Truth of the matter is, I’m a fraud.
Filed under: Friendship?, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Ramble, Rant, Why why why?
This post, for all intensive purposes, is probably not going to make much, if any, sense.
My grandfather is going to cosign my loan. I’m fucking psyched.
I need to go home now. quarterlife keeps presenting the impending importance of our friendship development. I don’t care what happens. In my mind, she’s already my best friend. I’m not entirely sure I have the power to allow anything to get in the way of that. Ready or not, here I come. I’m more concerned about whether or not she is going to feel the same way. Welcome to the story of my life; a complete lack of reciprocation in terms of real, true friendships. I guess I’ll deal with that when we get there.
I’m tired of being fat. I’m tired of looking at pictures of myself when I weighed 120 and was attractive, and then realizing that I wear jeans 5 sizes larger now. I hate being a female, I hate college, and I hate stress. I hate my inability to cope without turning to gross amounts of food. Luckily I have a boyfriend who, for some unknown (perhaps the fact that he is, possibly, mentally unstable) reason, still thinks I’m the hottest thing since a space heater on the sun (that’s hilarious, by the way…think about it).
Ugh. I just want to go home. I don’t want to play grown-up anymore. This shit is not fair.
ALSO – a development that I am still somewhat uncertain about regarding Poser has been brought to my attention (via my myspace snooping [hey now, I like to think of it as "investigating"]), and I am fucking irritated that someone I cared so much for and had so much in common with could be (to put it harshly) such a dumb whore.
Filed under: I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I'm crazy, Ramble, Rant
I’m tired of pretending like I have friends or that people give a fuck about me.
I’m tired of realizing that I really don’t have any genuine friends in college.
I’m tired of stressing about money all the time.
I’m tired of stressing in general, about everything, all the time.
I’m tired of smoking.
I’m tired of being so uncomfortable with myself that I seriously consider an eating disorder.
I’m tired of shitty sleeping habits.
I’m tired of shitty eating habits.
I’m tired of my apathy.
I’m tired of busting my ass in classes and getting Bs.
I’m tired of going to parties and then hating alcohol the next day, even if I’m not terribly hungover.
I’m tired of superficial, shitty people.
I’m tired.
I’m tired.
I’m tired.
I can’t even write anymore. I’m tired of having so goddamn much pent up inside, and having no way to get rid of it.
Ugh. I want to sleep for days.
…my stomach is killing me. I feel disgusting and it’s incredibly shitty, because I just want to be able to relax and feel good. But no. I’m constantly feeling like shit. I don’t get enough sleep and my eating habits aren’t much better. I’m tired of college, and I’m ready to go home so I can pretend to take better care of myself.
I feel linguistically constipated, and it’s sickening.
