Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, My heart hurts, PISSED, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I’ve got to get it all out. I’ve got to, and I’m going to. So fuck it, here goes.
First of all, I really, really, really wish that shit wasn’t the way that it was. That said, shit IS the way it is, and I think we all need to learn how to fucking deal with it like grown-ups. Yeah, maybe I’m a huge fucking hypocrite. I can own up to that. But I also realize a few things. First, I handled this situation (because I was basically in the same one) MUCH better, and I shouldn’t be irritated at the things that are happening are happening, but I am fucking IRATE. This is absurd, childish, and completely unnecessary. It’s always awesome to find out who your real fucking friends are. I realize that the situation is shitty. This leads me to my next realization: life goes on. Fucking, seriously. Shit happens. Relationships end, relationships start. People are people, feelings are feelings. If we all played by the fucking rules all the time, everyone would always be miserable.
Aw, fuck this. And fuck monikers. I’m maxed out.
Jeni – I’m sorry, and I told you I’m sorry. I don’t know what else you want from me. I know I broke the “rule,” and I’m sorry that it cost our friendship, but at some point in life, we all have to do what makes us happy. I was pretty fucking tired of being miserable because I was making other people happy instead. An opportunity to be happy was presented, and I wasn’t going to pass it up. I am, sincerely, deeply sorry that I have hurt you. I am sorry that I betrayed your trust and broke your heart, and all the other horrible things you’re feeling. I understand what you’re going through, and that is why I haven’t contacted you or whatever. But let me tell you this: it is vindictive and stupid that some of our mutual friends have turned against me because of the way you feel about the situation. I’ll deal with it, because frankly, it just speaks volumes about the people in my life that I thought were my friends, but I hope you realize that just because this upsets you, and hurts you, does not mean that you have the right to turn people against me. Yes, I talked to you a lot about John and Rachael. I was hurt and devastated at the situation, much like you are now. But I did NOT attempt to get you to dislike either of them. It is completely inane for someone completely uninvolved in the situation to dislike someone in the situation based on how one of them feels. Disagree with what’s happening, sure. But this…this is just fucking unnecessary, and I expected you to be a bigger person. You want to be mad at me? You want to hate me? You want to talk shit? Go for it. But man up and do it to ME. I’m the one you have a problem with. And I’ve told you countless times that I am willing to take it. I have owned up to what I did. I am not proud of it. I am sorry, again, that it came at the cost of our friendship. But I refuse to feel bad for making a choice that meant taking care of me.
Rachael – This is very difficult for me to say, because truthfully, I do still harbor, at least on some level, negative feelings, but I am sorry. I realize now how awful I was, and how you felt that you were doing nothing wrong. It’s an understandable rule, but it’s stupid, and I’m sorry that I was the way that I was about it. I simply feel like addressing you because I am now in the very situation that I put you in, and I just want to express my regret at behaving as I did considering (I suppose) that I now feel like you did. Relationships come to an end, and feelings are feelings, and if you want to fucking be with someone, go for it. That was a very difficult thing to process for me when I was on the shit end of the stick, but now I can see where you were, and I’m…I’m just…sorry. I don’t even really know how to say to you what I want to say to you. I guess I feel horrible that there’s the possibility that I made you feel the way I am being made to feel about choosing to be happy. I don’t know if this makes sense.
John – I extend to you something similar to the apology I offer Rachael. This whole situation has opened my eyes to things I was forcing myself to be blind to, and I am so very sorry that I spent so long condemning you for just wanting to move on and be happy. I get it now. And I would also like to thank you for your patience with me. There is absolutely no reason why you should have tolerated the complete mess that I was, and all the bullshit and drama that I caused. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that the heart wants what the heart wants, and I genuinely mean it when I say that I am glad that you are happy. I wish nothing but the very best for you and Rachael. I don’t know what else to say.
I’m at such a loss right now. When I sat down I was filled with rage and sadness, and I was ready to type up a storm and get it all out. Long story short, I fucking deserve to be happy. I’m sorry if it hurts people. I’m sorry if I have to lose friends in order for it to happen. But I will NOT be miserable because of those things. I am a good person. I make mistakes, but we all do. We are humans. We have vices. We have desires. We sever friendships, we break trusts, we fall in love, we fall out of love. We seek happiness, I believe, above all else, and I don’t think that there is anything wrong with that. I didn’t kill anyone. I didn’t steal, I didn’t lie, I didn’t do anything horrible. I made a choice. Yes, it hurt someone. Yes, I am sorry about that. But it was about goddamned fucking time that I put ME first. Call me selfish. But when it comes down to it, I’m the only person that can make me happy, and I decided to do it. If I end up alone for that, fine. But the way this situation is turning out is simply too absurd, and I don’t need to deal with the drama. Truth be told, NO ONE NEEDS THE DRAMA. Ever. We are emotional beings, but we all need to get a fucking grip. We have brains, too, and (speaking from very recent experience) we FAR too often allow them to be overwhelmed by emotion. I don’t know how well I’m handling this situation, but I am attempting to be mature. I am attempting to be reasonable and calm. I own up to all the negativity geared toward me, but there is a lot that is invalid, and a lot of people fail to realize that. I will NOT feel bad for finally putting me above someone else. Okay, that’s a lie. Because I do. But the fact is, I shouldn’t fucking have to.
And what’s more is that I’m fucking terrified. I’m not going to go into a lot of detail on this one. I’m just throwing it out there. It started when my mother implanted the seed of doubt, and it just grows every day thanks to my insecurities. But fuck that.
And fuck this.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, SEXXX, Why why why?
What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Doing.
I need to knock this shit off, and pronto.
Apparently, I don’t have the willpower I seem to think I have. God. Damn it.
This is coming to an end. I need to stop drinking, period.
I have better things to do.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not 100% on how I feel at the moment, and that pisses me off. Even when I was sitting around by myself, I still felt good. And then He comes along and fucks it up. Derails me. I’m struggling to not let it bother me, and I’m doing a decent job, but I can feel myself slipping. I’m not sure what to do to stop it. I refuse to let myself be brought down again. I worked so hard to get where I am and I will NOT let him bring me down anymore. Every time I start dwelling on it, I just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell myself I deserve better. Shitty things happen to good people, sometimes.
I’m having a hard time not feeling like perhaps I am too needy with my new friends. I enjoy hanging out with them, but at some point last week I just stopped texting them because I felt like I was being too much. People need space. Shirt just texted me, and that made me feel nice, because I didn’t have to make the effort. It pisses me off that I feel this way because I know WHY I feel this way and I shouldn’t have to. That’s why I’m so irritated that I’m bothered by the stupid shit with He. It affects everything in my life in terms of my behavior, and I don’t need that to happen. I don’t want it to happen. I’m not going to let it happen. Jesusfuck.
I cannot WAIT until Thursday rolls around. I’m going to rectify the way I’m feeling by uttering a silent “FUCK YOU” to all the drama, and I’m going to go to the Gator and have the time of my life, like I always do. That’s where my happy lies; in the people, the spirits, and the sheer fun that lingers there.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL
I’m at a loss for words, and it’s kind of killing me.
I want to hurt someone. I’ve semi-moved past the sadness stage and now I’m kind of angry. Pretty angry, sometimes.
It’s always very disappointing when people turn out to be different than who you thought they were/who they presented themselves to be.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, Ramble, Rant, Why why why?
What I love more than already being in a piss-poor mood is essentially being stood up by friends when they know I want to go do something. Yeah yeah, I’m going to rant and whine and whatever. Fucking sue me. I think I’m not completely unreasonable for being pissed off that my “best friend” basically dropped off the face of the planet just because her boyfriend came into town. After we had already talked about doing something tonight – including him. It’s bad enough that I really don’t WANT to leave the house, but once I finally find a decent mood and want to go out and do something at least so that I’m not so fucking alone, everyone seems to be too busy doing something else. I’m just tired of it. All it does is make me feel even more alone and abandoned, and all I can think is that if I were still with He I wouldn’t be having this problem. Which in turn makes it that much worse because then I remember how sad I am about him and how irate I am toward him. Now the rant takes a turn.
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out” is the most fucked up thing I’ve heard him say for quite some time. Really? REALLY? Like, I’m sorry that I took four years from you and now that it’s over I don’t really seem to give a fuck at all and oh, I will be sad, but my emotions are so fucking retarded that I have to wait until you start to get over it before I can break down about it? Like, those things? And honestly, I don’t think I should be mad at him, but I’m bitter, because the way the situation has turned out, I’m just feeling like he didn’t want me and then I dive into this disgusting pool of self-deprication that just makes everything worse. I honestly don’t even really know how to feel anymore. I decided talking to him was not a good idea so I’m working on not doing that, but it’s hard because he is my best friend and I’m lonely. I feel like a part of me is gone forever and I haven’t figured out how to operate the same without that part. And I suppose that’s the thing; I have to learn how to operate in a new way, but that’s hard and I don’t want to.
I want to know why you can’t be sad until I start to be happy.
I want to know why you don’t want me.
I want to know if you know how much emotion you took from me, and if that means anything to you.
I want to hug you and kiss you and have you be mine again.
I want to feel like someone is there for me whenever. You took that from me.
I want to feel okay about myself instead of feeling completely inadequate.
I want to be happy.
I constantly feel like there is a huge pressing weight on my chest. Most days it is pretty difficult to breathe, let alone get out of bed (err…off the couch), and I guess that’s why I’m so pissed of that none of my “friends” seem to realize that it’s a big deal that I actually want to do anything.
I want to just cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie with you. I miss that.
I miss you.
I don’t want to play anymore.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?
I’m really not in a good mood. It seems that is the case more often than not, and that in itself is pissing me off. Guh. I’m feeling all teenage-angsty I guess and it’s not cool. I need to just get over it but I’m so damned bitter.
Hold your breath.
It’s to the point again where I have so much to say, or at least so much to bitch about, and I either don’t have the words or the energy to say (type) it all. That’s pretty fucking ridiculous, but there it is.
I just want a best friend. Everyone around me has this great friendship where they’re totally tight with someone, and I don’t have that. Well, I do, but we’re going to break up very soon, and then we probably aren’t going to be around each other all that much.
Stoked.
I just want to cry a lot or just fucking destroy something/someone.
I’m leaning more toward the latter.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not doing too well, and as much as I like to put off dealing with or acknowledging that fact, it’s beginning to become prevalent and insistent. I don’t know what I need to do to be happy, and as much as I’m bitching about change lately and how much I don’t want it, I think I do. I constantly feel like something needs to happen. Something needs to change. To be different. I feel like my life is in some sort of rut of mediocrity and I am so beyond tired of it that I don’t know what to do. I am aware that I need to take control of things and make something happen if I want them to change, but at some point I just don’t know how to do it. Or I just don’t have the energy. I’m lost.
Every time I think about He, I want to burst into tears. I want to cry until the hollow ache in my chest goes away, until the feeling of dread dissipates. But it’s not going to. He treats our imminent breakup as though it isn’t something important, as though it doesn’t need to be talked about or thought about. Perhaps in a way he’s right. But I’m right too. I’ve got a lot of emotion invested in him and his behavior upsets me. This is not petty to me. He is frequently doing things that really shouldn’t bother me, but they are, and it’s breaking me down. Specifically his nonchalant attitude toward me and his hanging out with his female friends in date-like situations. He does things with his girl friends that he doesn’t do with me. In fact, we never do anything. We’ve done a few things lately, but the more time passes the more it just feels to me like we’re just good friends who have sex. Honestly, and I try very hard not to feel this way because I want to believe it isn’t the truth, I feel like he’s less interested in me than he is in the fact that he can have sex with me. I know that’s really harsh, but that’s sort of how it feels. Everything is sexual. When we hang out I hear more about my tits or my ass than I do about anything else about me. It’s nice, I suppose, but I’ve spent a very long time needing more than that and he knows it. I guess I’m just insecure and jealous and whatever, and that’s why I get so upset about these little things, but it’s that much worse when it’s things he knows bothers me and he does nothing to avoid them or not do them. I think maybe I’m off-base here, but that’s just how it feels to me. I’m so torn up about the whole retarded situation and I just want it to be different. Or easy. Or good. Something other than what it is at the moment. I guess I just wanted it to be perfect before it was over.
I’m constantly feeling inadequate physically. I am not comfortable, I guess, with how I look, and I’m not entirely sure how to go about doing something about it. As soon as I get back to school, I’ll pack on the weight again, even if I lose some this summer. I don’t think I’m fat. But I have a really hard time when everyone around me is thin and whatever. It’s the ideal that’s killing me.
I hung out with my mom today and kind of realized why I don’t like to. Don’t get me wrong, she’s my mother and I love her. I just don’t need the guilt trips and the snide comments and all the bullshit she dumps on me. I have no room in my life for people who are going to treat me that way. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes in the past, but I’m not constantly rubbing her face in hers. I wish she’d grow up and get over her shit because I’m tired of hearing it. Harsh, but true. I don’t need it. Period.
I think I’m going to start looking for a different job. I was thinking about it a lot today and the gas station is sucking the fucking life out of me. I don’t get paid enough for that.
I guess that’s it for now. I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I just want to feel like everything is going to be okay. Or at least have a few hours of not thinking about any of it. I just need a damn break.
You’re too young to be this empty, girl.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Why why why?
I am still exhausted.
I’m trying to figure out why it is that every summer I keep going back to the gas station for work. I know it’s because I know I can get a job there no matter what. I know it’s because I don’t have time to look for another, better job and I don’t have time to waste because I need money. But the way things are going, those really aren’t good enough reasons for me. I seriously need a better job because I’m getting really tired of being just about the only person in that place that gives a fuck about actually working. I generally do about 85% of the work and I’m tired of it. Plus, my feet hurt. A lot. But that’s because I need new shoes. Oh. And I need new pants, because the only pair that I have that fit me have holes in the crotch. Why can’t I just win the lottery? I can’t even comprehend how much money 192 million IS.
Ugh. That’s all. I’m getting really anxious about my dad’s fiance and her daughters coming, too. That’s coming up fast. I don’t even have a bedroom. Good god…ugh.
That’s all for now. I don’t really just want to go off on some sort of “pity me” rant so I’m done.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
I’ve pretty much maxed out on how much I can handle.
I’m ready to fucking kill something, or someone. Whichever gets in my way first. I can’t wait to get the fuck out of school, away from these people.
It’s rage because I don’t want to deal with pain anymore. I’m just really sick of being fucked over. I’m sick of the fact that I’ve spent three years trying to develop meaningful friendships, and I have none. Okay, I’ve got one or two people outside of He, but those aren’t the people I’m talking about. I’m talking about the people I knew before I even fucking came up here for school, who now treat me like a fucking piece of shit. I’m done. It’s senior year all over again, and I don’t want to do it. But I guess I don’t have a fucking choice because people are SHITBAGS.
I can’t even really think coherently right now because I’m fucking livid. I literally want to hit something so hard that I break bones in my hand. I don’t care. I don’t fucking care anymore.
I’m over it. I’m so. Fucking. Over. This bullshit.
Filed under: Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’ve had a fucking awesome day. Want to hear about it? Good. I woke up with a fucking horrendous cough, which means I’m getting sick, out of the fucking blue. Great. I go to the mall with Housewife, hanging out pre-going to get my taxes done, and I buy a green tea from Starbucks. I then go to Pretzelmaker and get some Pretzel Bites, and as the guy is handing me the cheese sauce, I dump my pretzels everywhere. He gives me some more, I sit down and start to eat them, and take a drink of my tea, and proceed to burn the ever-living FUCK out of my mouth. Then, Housewife and I go to get my taxes done, and as it turns out, I OWE the IRS, thanks to my dad claiming me and the University giving me scholarships. WHY IN THE FUCK are scholarships taxable? That makes no goddamned sense to me. On top of that, it was somewhere around 90 dollars for the lady to do my taxes. Fortunately for me, she was a fucking amazing person, and didn’t charge me, and didn’t file my taxes. She suggested that because I’ve done it before, I could risk not reporting my scholarships, in which case I will just get my full refund. So. We’ll see about that.
I know it really wasn’t that bad, but today just feels like a huge clusterfuck of shitty. On top of everything, it’s STILL snowing, which does absolutely nothing to improve my mood. All I have, I guess, is that everything is just a goddamn joke, and tomorrow it will all be okay. I’m hoping that life’s just pulling one hell of an April Fool’s Day prank on me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?
Sometimes I find myself feeling violently irate. As in I just want to scream at someone at the top of my lungs. I want to obliterate someone with words, just so I can feel better, or less angry. I’m just so fucking pissed off, and I cannot for the life of me discern why. I’ve been thinking about it, and I really can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just a compilation of a whole mess of things that have been bothering me, and they’ve finally built up to the point that I want to rage. I’m going to say that’s probably it, just because I can’t think of anything else. Maybe I should just rant. Maybe I will.
If it’s not one physical ailment or issue, it’s another. First, I was sick. Nasty, don’t want to get out of bed but I HAVE to go to class and oh god, now I want to die sick. When I got over that, I got a fucking sty. A STY. What a goddamn pain in the ass. It was unpleasant, and I had to put this goopy, greasy medication in it that made it difficult to see. Then, finally, that goes away, and what do you know? Hello, yeast infection! I’m so glad you decided to have a little party in my vagina without my consent. Not only is this uncomfortable and disgusting, but it disables my sexual pursuits, which in its own right is enough to piss me off. So, thank you, body, for being a fucking dicksack, and constantly bombarding me with ridiculous and irritating symptoms rather than just taking a day off and letting me be healthy.
Fucking money is the most bullshit thing on the planet. Even more bullshit than money is the tendency of institutions to charge absolutely absurd amounts of it for most commodities. Someone, please, tell me why the FUCK I am paying for an education. Explain to me, please, why I am paying thousands of dollars for less than adequate food and housing, and why I am forced to pay for health insurance via the university that covers NOTHING. The whole system is fucked, sincerely, and I would love for someone to demonstrate otherwise. Really. Please, please enlighten me. If you can refute the fact that the vast majority of the money I dump into this institution goes to athletics, you will have my interest, at least. But you CAN’T. FUCK. I’m just really, really tired of throwing away money. Yeah, yeah, I know. Welcome to being an adult, and all that bullshit. And that’s exactly what: BULLSHIT.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING in this relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love He. I really, really do. I find him incredibly attractive. He is intelligent, humorous, and I sincerely enjoy spending time with him. I have a very difficult time with the idea that I’m wasting my time with him, because as much as I don’t think I am, or don’t feel that I am, a part of me keeps insisting that, in all reality, that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s basically a long and (mostly) enjoyable road that leads indefinitely to nowhere. So why the goddamn fuck am I so floored? There are so many aspects of the relationship that are so fucked, also, and I just keep smiling because I like being around him. What the fuck is wrong with me? And talking to him about this is virtually impossible, because I’m just an over-emotional psychotic bitch that doesn’t listen to reason and can’t validate any of my points. Yeah, I think that’s just about how it goes. I try to argue my point (because it does always end up being an argument), and I’m wrong. Why? Because he said so. Unless I’m being cute, and then he’s just a whole lot nicer while still inferring that I’m wrong or by ignoring the point completely. Everything I feel is like a fire to He, I think. Most of the time he just dances around it, but sometimes he throws in a log or two. I don’t think it’s ever occurred to him that maybe he would get burned less if he attempted to help in putting it out. FUCK.
That’s all I got. All I want to do is bitch. A lot. I feel like I suck it up all the time because people want me to be nice, and cool, and collected. Relaxed and whatnot. I would be if I could just be myself without being told that I’m fucking crazy and needy. That’s basically all I hear, from just about everyone I know, and more specifically the people I care very much about (with a few exclusions). Fuck that. Fuck this. At some point I need to just get a fucking grip and be secure enough in myself to not give a shit what people think. But at this point, I do, and I’m fucking tired of them disliking me or things about me simple because they’re things that aren’t fucking sunshine and rainbows all the time.
I’m so over this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Why why why?
Today was a pretty fucking rough day. College is raping me. I don’t mean that in the sense that it’s hard. I don’t mean that in the sense that it costs a lot. I mean that in the sense that I came to college with a passion, with drive, and college is forcefully taking that away from me without my consent.
I just feel fed up. Pretty much with everything. I’m becoming more and more irritated at Spooner because he’s right. I’m fucking crazy and needy. Emphasis on the crazy. Or maybe on the needy. Either way, I’m not 100% self-sustaining, and lately, making everything seem okay isn’t as easy as I’m used to it being. That’s what I get for letting down the walls. I’m fucking loney, as hokey as that sounds, and it’s difficult. Inexplicable, and difficult.
I want my sister to come and see me just as badly as she says she needs to. I need a breath of fresh air.
I’m frustrated with my relationship. It’s good, for the most part, at least a lot better than it was for quite a while, and it has maintained that goodness. I’m frustrated sexually, and not in a good way. Blugh, I don’t even want to deal with it. There’s nothing I can really do about it, and that makes it even more frustrating.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don’t even know.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, WTF?, Well shit
Fuck you. Fuck you, FUCK YOU.
I hate it when you act like a conniving, deceptive bitch. HATE IT.
Ugh. I’m so goddamned disgusted.
On a lighter note, my birthday is tomorrow. I’m not entirely sure I’m all that excited. I’m going to hit the bar tonight and have a celebratory drink or two. At the moment, I’m more excited about the things going on with my brother than I am about anything in my own life. So it goes.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m tired of feeling like how I feel is stupid just because someone else doesn’t agree with it.
I don’t invalidate your feelings. Don’t do it to me.
Don’t get impatient and rude just because you don’t like how I feel or what I’m saying. That’s hurtful.
Where’d that guy I met over the summer go? I liked him. He made me feel immaculate. He was never mean. He was never cold. He never made me second-guess myself. He had nothing but love for me.
And don’t get pissed off when I’m sad because you lied. Little white lies.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
Maybe I’m crazy. I don’t think I am.
I think I don’t have anywhere to dispose of all my emotions. So when any come out, they’re met with hostility or unfriendliness because they’re random.
I feel stifled.
Anyone would drown in this.
I’m still holding my breath.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Well shit
It has come to my attention quite frequently in the past week or so that I miss my I-Feezy people. I miss Poser and quarterlife and Spooner and Saber and Robot and Red and everyone else. I’m tired of missing everything because I’m 600 miles away. The strain that distance puts on Poser’s and my friendship is incredibly difficult to deal with. We pretend that we’re going to overcome it every time I come back to school, and then we slowly slip out of contact and have no idea what’s going on with each other. UGH.
I still don’t have access to the fucking internet. ITS is a total piece of shit. When I called them on Monday and left a message, I expected to get a call back that night or maybe the next day. I tried again both Tuesday and Wednesday, and the fuckers called me back in the middle of Yoga on Thursday. When I tried to call them again, it rang and rang and rang until I got their bullshit voicemail AGAIN. So I’m just going to send them an e-mail and hope that works better.
I’m going to slit the throat of the next person I hear say something about Twilight. I’m SO FUCKING SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT. Seriously. I couldn’t even get through the first few pages of one of those books. And yet it’s goddamned EVERYWHERE. I really don’t even know why it bothers me so much…but I don’t want to fucking hear about it.
I cannot wait until I am 21. Period.
Still have an “epic” blog coming up. Just have to find the right mood and the time, and in correspondence.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Well shit
I’m not going to lie; I’m slightly intoxicated at the moment.
I’ve had quite a bit to drink, but I realized that I haven’t blogged in a while, and there’s been quite a bit to blog about, despite not being able to talk about anything in specific.
Being back in Moscow is wonderful. Although I have four day weekends every weekend (considering I only have classes Tuesday and Thursday) is nice, it’s still a pain in the ass because I have THREE english classes that are kicking my ass in terms of homework.
My boyfriend is amazing, though sometimes I wonder what the fuck is wrong with our “sexual” relationship.
That’s all I’m going to say for now, because I have a beer to finish and a bed to sleep in.
I love you all.
Oh wait, and Saber told me something tonight that made me stupidly happy and I will love him forever for that.
Good night for realsies.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit
I want to see my boyfriend. Right now.
I feel completely miserable. I still haven’t worked out my financial aid, I still have to pay my phone bill, and I still have to pay my car insurance and what I owe my dad and Thinner for helping with my car. Thinner was supposed to do something today that would enable me to take care of my financial aid problem, but she didn’t fucking do it. Somehow I’m really not surprised. I asked her and my dad to do this about two weeks ago, and it still isn’t done. School starts in six fucking days. I’d really like to get this taken care of, and if I could do it myself, I would, but I can’t. Like everything else, she’ll probably get around to it whenever the fuck she wants to. I’m still infuriated by it.
It’s been a pretty rough night. I feel completely miserable. I miss He so much that I just want to curl into a ball on my bed and cry until I fall asleep. I hate that he’s not here. I can’t sleep because every time I roll over to the breathing behind me, it turns out it’s just my dog, not He. I just want to fucking hug him and cuddle for a really long time. I feel so terrible about what I did to him, and I miss him. I can’t even adequately describe how miserable I feel. I want to lay around and do nothing with him. I just want to be close to him so I can feel at least halfway decent. Nothing works when he’s not here. I am stupidly lonely, and everything is so much better when he is around. And yet at the same time, I feel like maybe it’s a good thing that I feel so terrible, because it’s like punishment for the utterly brainless actions I took. And that just makes me even more sad. I just want to be able to cry and have him hug me, even though he should, realistically, tell me to fuck right off. I’m sad because the stupid, reckless, overpowering love that I felt for him before (that never really went away, honestly) has taken me in a tight grip again, and that breaks my heart because I know that he deserves so much better than me. I just feel like crap, and although that is completely lacking, that’s the way I’m going to describe it. It feels like I need to peel off my skin and throw it in the washing machine. I feel infected and disgusting and utterly trashy. I don’t deserve him.
And on top of that, I’m fucking stuck at my house. I am stoked to be home, but my dad and Thinner are always off together if they’re not at work, and Poser is “sick,” and He isn’t here, and meh. I just get really bummed out.
And, finally, I want to extend a genuine and gracious thank you to quarterlife for being amazing. Yesterday was absolutely fantastic, and I appreciate her and what she did for me more than I will ever be able to describe.
That’s it. I’m going to go do something else now.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I loathe being irritated about things that, in all reality, don’t bother me. I’m more irritated at the fact that he’s saying shit than I am about the shit he’s saying, if that makes sense. When I was told about it, I just thought about it for a minute, and, truth be told, it’s true. I am just a girl he messed around with and didn’t want anything else with. And I was fully aware of that. I had no problem with that. But it’s childish and immature to talk about it the way I have heard he has been talking about it, and that’s what gets to me. Sooner or later I’m going to get over it, but for right now, it’s crawling around under my skin, and it makes me fucking irate. Ugh.
Oh well.
Money makes me want to rip out all of my hair. Or cry for the rest of my life. Someone buy me a car. Please.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
All I want to do sometimes is curl into a little ball and cry. Not necessarily because I am sad, but because I am tired. I am fed the fuck up with my job, with money, with my car, with all the fucked up situations with “friends” and “lovers” and “one night stands.” I can’t wait to be finished working for the summer, and to get my financial aid figured out. All I really want to do is get in my car and drive; get lost in the passing of the outside world and just let myself think. But alas, I cannot, because my car is still broken. It’s been almost a month since I have driven a vehicle to my satisfaction. I’m tired of feeling like I have no way to vent. And every single day that I walk into work, I wait for something to go wrong. I put off going into the cooler for as long as possible because I know that the fucking retards I work with are so conveniently incompetent as to have fucked it up the night before. And yet I bust my ass each and every day I’m there for too little pay and massive underappreciation. And then am filled with resentment. I need to chill out or be lazy. Either way, I have the feeling I will still be greatly dissatisfied.
I have to say, I breathed a sigh of relief and surprise when Spooner texted me back tonight. For some reason, I felt as though he was going out of his way to avoid me, which for a while was understandable, but then was simply painful considering he is my friend and I care about him. Regardless, I’m over it, and I’m just glad that he’s talking to me, at least. That’s all I really wanted.
He and I are fighting quite frequently lately, and it’s bothersome. At times I question whether or not reconciliation was a great idea; at times I feel like we’re friends trying to be lovers. There are so many things that I feel concerning He and myself, and not all of them are positive. He is constantly telling me that he wants me to open up to him, and it’s frustrating. It’s not that I’m completely guarded, but I am aware that I am cautious. I keep certain aspects of myself to myself, and I don’t particularly feel like sharing those aspects with anyone. The only person I ever really talk to about those things is Poser, and it’s not because I don’t trust He, it’s just because I don’t feel like some things need to be talked about with/to him until I have them completely worked out in my head. I get the impression that I cause He a lot of pain, and in general, adapting to the new version of our relationship is incredibly difficult. To be blunt and perfectly honest, there are times when I do wish that I were still single. Sometimes I wonder if getting back together with him was the right thing to do. It’s nothing personal against him, it’s just that sometimes something inside me snaps and I feel like maybe I’m not 100% where I should be. Especially considering how I need to be with/to him in order for him to feel okay about things and be happy. Frankly, I feel a lot of pressure, and it’s difficult and frustrating. I deal with a lot of doubts and “what if” thoughts. I almost guarantee he will read this and think that I want to break up with him or that I have issues with him. I wish it were simpler to explain so that he could understand. I’m just not 100% sure where I stand right now. I’m really not. And honestly, that’s my bad, because I probably should be in order to contribute positively to this relationship.
I’m looking forward to the cabin this weekend. I hope it will just be a fun, worry-free weekend. I just want to hang out with my friends and have some stress-free time to figure out everything that’s been wreaking havok in my brain lately. Plus, I really really want to a.) go swimming and b.) drink a lot in the woods [campfire is optional].
This is not the blog I wanted it to be, but I really want to go to bed. Sleep has been evasive lately. I’m going to fervently pursue, then hold that bitch down and fuck her ’til she bleeds.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
So, my phone took a fucking dive yesterday, and I have to wait until tomorrow to get a new one. What the fuck is the point of having insurance on my phone if I still have to pay a goddamned deductible of $50 to replace it? Money down the fucking drain, like always.
Which reminds me. My check was going to be super fantastic, and I was overly stoked about it, and then noted the fact that taxes ruin my goddamn life. It was still a decent check, but after paying for my phone, and then gas, and then having to pay the phone bill soon, I’m going to have very little money. Again. I’m so fucking sick of living paycheck to paycheck. I’m not even out of school yet, and the fucking adult life is raping me, hard.
Which reminds me. I don’t have enough money for school. I was going to call Financial Aid today, but I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING PHONE, so I can’t. I’m hoping that I can get some more money, otherwise I’m totally fucked. There’s nothing I can do. When am I going to start getting paid for my existance? That would be lovely. Just like, a nickel for every time I take a breath or something.
Ugh. I’m tired. I just want enough money to take care of everything without having to work my ass off for not enough money for anything. I’m tired of shit going wrong, and I’m tired of having to struggle to make ends meet. I’m 20 goddamn years old and I already feel like I’ve been working my entire life. I suppose bitching doesn’t really change anything, but every now and then I just get fed the fuck up. I don’t want to play anymore.
P.S. My boyfriend is adorable.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
The mighty, mighty culmination. Perhaps I’m too sensitive, or I get my hopes up too much. Whatever. It’s vent time.
I am fucking sick of people I consider to be my friends a) flaking out on me and b) seeming to avoid me. There are a few people that I really like leaving town soon, and I want to hang out with them before they go. However, they seem to be too goddamned busy to even talk to me, let alone hang out with me. Number one on that list is Spooner, which is frustrating. I don’t know what I have to do to prove that I have absolutely no interest in him as anything other than a friend, and I try to handle myself well in respects to him, but eating away at the back of my mind is the (probably correct) idea that he’s avoiding the hell out of me. I just want to fucking hang out with him (as well as Click) before he (they) leave(s). I don’t get why that’s a big deal. I’m just fucking tired of always ending up feeling like this, when all I want to do is fucking hang out with friends and have a few drinks. I don’t understand what the problem is. Someone, please, explain it to me, and soon, because I’m really tired of dealing with this bullshit.
I’m really not that bad of a person. I don’t know why everyone insists on making me feel like I am.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Today was magical. Fantastic. Amazing.
I say this in the most sarcastic tone imaginable.
I dragged my pathetic, lazy ass out of bed this morning and went to work. Work was busy all fucking day, hooray sunshine and people being inspired to get gas and propane and whatever else we sell. I was in a decent mood, however, because no one was being particularly assholeish today. He brought me a shaved ice, and it was delicious. We talked a bit; discussed our plans to hang out later and go watch The Happening. I got off work (finally – the fucking propane train showed up as I was attempting to leave), stood around and shot the shit with B-Rex for a little bit, and then went home. I jumped in the shower and headed to the theater to meet He.
First things first, there is a slight awkward tension between us, and it eminates mostly from him. I’m trying my damnedest to be his friend. Whatever. So he pays for the movie, we go in, we sit, we talk a bit, whatever, there’s a half hour of goddamned previews, and then the movie starts. I feel weird sitting next to him because we would normally be holding hands, or he would have a hand on my leg, or something, and I’m not used to us not touching in some way. But I get over it, because we are broken up. Once the movie ends, we go outside and we’re standing by my car talking. I can see the wheels turning in his head, and I ask him what (I’m always asking him what), and he sort of tries to kiss me (I saw it coming, I knew it). We then dive headfirst into a conversation I quite possibly could have gone without (at least for the sake of my emotions and my sanity).
He still wants to be with me. He sat in my car, looked me in the face and told me that he still loves me. That’s he’s crazy about me. That he’s enchanted by me. He told me that he wants to try. That he wants to do the dumb little things, that he wants to make me things, that he wants to buy me clothes and dinner and all of the amazing things that I needed from him, he wants to do. He wants to try. He wants me. A flood of sadnessragebitternesslonginghurt washed over me, and all I could say to him was, “You missed it.” And he knows. We talked in depth about that, and he’s still not going to give up. I want to cry because it all hurts so much. It hurts that he’s so sad, and it’s essentially my fault. It hurts that he still wants me. It hurts that he still loves me. It hurts that he’s now being the man and wanting to be the man I needed him to be when we were together. It takes everything in me to refuse his offer because it sounds so damned good. It really does. Because I do still love him (I’m always going to love him) and some part of me does still want to be with him. But I can’t. I have to take care of me, and I can’t do it anymore. Loving him killed me. Because I loved him too much. And he wasn’t what I needed him to be for me. The He that he’s being now, or that he wants to be now. And I told him that. WHY? Why couldn’t you want to try when I needed you to? When I begged you to? When I was miserable because I felt like you didn’t want to be with me anymore and all I needed was something, some little thing? Where was it then? Where was the intense love that you showed me tonight? Why couldn’t you do it then, when I needed it so badly? I can’t put myself through it again. I won’t. It will only end up the way it did this time; he’ll get sick of me, or focus on my faults, or whatever, and that will be that. We’re not going to live happily ever after. I don’t care how wonderful it would be, or for how long. That’s how we started. He was like this when we first got together. And it was truly magnificent. But time wears you down. We’re not meant to be. We can’t be. I just want to scream at him at the top of my lungs. It’s too late. It’s too goddamned late and that takes me back to square one. The way I felt when we finally parted ways tonight was the way I felt when we officially broke up. I longed to lay in my bed in a seemingly numb stupor. I still kind of do. I feel drained, and sad, and bitter. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. I hate you. I hate you for making me love you. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t tell you so. “Everything’s eventual.”
Thus, my day ended on an emotionally devastating note, and my brain feels like it is made of ice cubes. Clacking against each other, slowly melting in a an icy, painful drip.
What I really, really wanted, to be completely honest with the world, was to be able to call Spooner, and talk to him, or something, or at least make him let me go hug him. That’s what I needed. I don’t know why it was him, aside from the fact that I have very few male friends (or friends, for that matter), and I needed a hug from a male friend. It gets back down to the fucking retarded trust/friendship situation between us, where, once again (story of my fucking LIFE), I care more and have far more interest in the relationship than the other person. I’ve learned to deal with this with Spooner, but when things like this happen, it’s incredibly difficult. Regardless, I suck it up the best I can, because really, what other option do I have? And I’ll continue sucking it up, because I refuse to spend my days a mindless, miserable zombie. I HAVE to move on with my life, or it will go on without me. I feel, at current, that I have two options. I can either immerse myself in friends; depend on people, hang out, whatever (though this proves to be difficult because the people I have come to consider friends don’t seem to have any interest in being such), or I can withdraw completely from everyone (which seems so goddamned compelling considering the status of the prior). I feel superflous with stagnant emotions that I cannot do anything with. And damn it, Spooner. Why is it that the one person you need the most is never there when you need them the most? The world has a cruel set of rules, and I’m tired of having no one to turn to when all I need is someone.
Someone pour some hot water in my head and shake me around so the ice will melt completely and I can just be done with it. I don’t need my brain or the problems it seems to cause anymore.
Why, fucking why can’t someone just be there for me when I need them (Poser, you don’t count and you know why, though you know I appreciate you very much)?
Well hell, at least I’ll sleep well tonight. Crying makes for a puffy-eyed, sleepy Holly.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
I am thinking that at this very moment, I feel incredibly pissed off. Nearly livid.
I was headed home from hanging out with quarterlife and Robot, and B-Rex texted me, and told me to go hang out with him and drink. So I did. After making a joke about one of the girls there “knowing her place” (a type of joke I used to take violent offence to and have since eased up on because it is somewhat funny) and being met with complete and utter offendedness, I apologized sincerely to those who seemed most upset about it, and was told that “we were cool.” Not ten minutes later, B-Rex is being called into a huddle, and I can hear them talking about me needing to leave. So I put my beer down, excused myself to Right (who I haven’t seen since high school, what the fuck!?), and took off. B-Rex called me shortly after and asked where I was. I explained the situation to him. And now I’m just pissed off because people are fucking spineless drama whores who don’t have the nerve to tell a person to their face when they have a problem. Had I been aware that that joke was going to offend people, I wouldn’t have made it. Were they mature and realistic people, they would have realized that I didn’t mean to offend anyone, and considering that I HAVE NEVER MET THEM BEFORE IN MY LIFE there was no way I was to know that it would upset them, they would let it go. I’m beginning to get over it, but I’m still put off by the fact that people are such douchebags. I’m tired of those kinds of people. TIRED.
But I’m excited that B-Rex a. wanted to hang out with me and b. broke up with his immature slut of a girlfriend. All in all, it was a decent night, and despite my inital irateness toward dumbfucks, I’m good. Golden. WHAT THE FUCK EVER.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, PISSED, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
Today started out well enough for me, and then progressed rapidly into something far less than mediocre.
For some unexplainable reason, work slowly but surely began to fill me with more and more rage. I guess it began when ShitTits left early, and I went to check her timecard to make sure she didn’t fucking lie and say she was there for longer than she was. The bitch hides her fucking timecard, but thanks to my coworker, I found it. Not only did she lie about today, she has the thing filled out for the rest of the week, giving her a solid 70.5 hours that SHE DIDN’T WORK. This made me goddamned furious. Not only does she treat me like shit for no reason (I’m assuming [take this as arrogance if you want, that's not what it is] jealousy), but she’s fucking our boss out of money she’s not actually earning. Despite how incredibly shitty it made me feel to do so, I showed my boss when he came in. He didn’t say anything. But I feel like he should know. He’s too good of a guy for me to be okay with someone fucking him like that. After that (which still grinds on my every last nerve), customers started to piss me off. Naturally, working in a customer service environment, I put on my “people” facade, and I try to be nice and personable and whatnot to everyone. But it’s the little things that really get to me. When I hold out my hand and they throw their fucking change on the counter. When I say “good morning” and they look at me like I just slapped them. Or, the fucking best one: when they come in to prepay and proceed to tell me that they’re going to stop coming to our station beacuse, and I quote, “This prepay stuff is BULLSHIT.” I hate being held accountable for shit that isn’t my responsibility. I bust my ass day in and day out cleaning up after and taking care of people, and all they can do is fucking yell at me for having to walk ten fucking feet into the store to give me money for gas. GOD.
Going from violently pissed to very calm too quickly is like leaping into a hole and meeting the bottom much sooner than expected. It’s breaking both legs and feeling completely powerless and stupid. And yet I’m still bitter as hell. And I still want to hit someone or something so hard that it hurts me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and collapse beneath the weight of how enraged I feel. And yet I also question whether or not how I feel is valid or justifiable. I have a tendency to automatically default to rage rather than walking myself through what it is that I really feel. But lately, it just seems like I’m fucking eating up all the bullshit in order to live up to some false pretenses about avoiding drama and being happy. And I think today was the breaking point, because I had to sit on my bed and stare at my bedroom floor, so livid that I was bawling, and think about everything in order to calm down. And it was nearly impossible. I just wanted to freak out; to hit something or break something or make someone feel pain. There is so much bitterness and hatred inside of me, and that frightens me.
Also, He called me today. He doesn’t want to not talk to me, and he’s not doing terribly well. However, I do feel that perhaps today’s conversation was one of if not the best we’ve had since the breakup. I said a lot of things I had been keeping myself from saying, and it felt good to get them off my chest and out in the open. It’s going to take time, but we are going to be good friends. He’s afraid that we won’t, and that’s just silly.
EDIT: Talking to He also fucks me emotionally. It’s difficult and painful, and I don’t know how often I can do it before I lose my goddamned mind.
And lastly, I am SO FUCKING SICK of money. All I do is spend money. And the nearly 60 dollars I spent on Sunday for something that I otherwise wouldn’t have needed irritates me more than anything, for reasons I can’t really understand. I’m over it, but I’m not, you know? I’m just tired of getting a fucking paycheck and watching it vanish within a few days thanks to bills and responsibilities. I want to get a tattoo. I want to get something for ME. And I don’t even have the money to pay for the things I am obligated to pay for. I crave a certain person and a certain bed so I can fall into oblivion and feel fine just being me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
And I’m not making the right one.
I’m subtly livid at the moment. Why can’t we all just fucking grow up? Really! We’re all adults here. We can make out with and fuck whomever we choose, period. I’m not going to feel bad because someone has a problem with who I choose to make out with. I let other people live their lives whether or not I agree with the choices they are making, thus I expect the same respect. And yet I have to wage wars to maintain friendships because of fickle and childish reasons. WE ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE so let’s stop acting like it. I can admit without hesitation that I have a tendency to revert to immature and ridiculous methods of action, but jesusfuck, I’m over it. I’m tired of all the fucking drama and bullshit, so for realsies, I’m out. I’m going to do what I want, when I want, with whoever the fuck I want. If that gets people pissed at me, so fucking be it. I’m not going to live my life according to other people’s standards.
Oh, by the way, I apologized a lot for slapping you that night (I’m aware that doesn’t fucking nullify it, but jesusfuck, I slapped a lot of people that night). Maybe you should get over it already (everyone else did!).
GAH I want to freak out. Thus I vent and calm down and will have a more rational post in perhaps an hour or when I wake up tomorrow. I’ve been gritting my teeth all night since this came up, and I’m fucking so TIRED of it that it automatically pissed me off. When in truth, it makes me really, really sad. Why people can’t just fucking talk to me when they have a problem blows my mind.
LET’S ALL GROW THE FUCK UP. PLEASE.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
And I hate it. Loathe it. Abhor it.
I’ve sunken into a quiet depression that I constantly ignore. And tonight, in the culmination of my confronting drama llamas shitting all over my life, I almost lost it. The depression reared it’s ugly head, and I nearly had a complete breakdown in the middle of Denny’s. I’ve come to terms with an overpowering feeling that makes me want to curl up into a little ball and cry for the rest of my life: I am alone. I constantly push away the people I care most about, and I don’t realize that I am doing it until it is too late. It took two and a half years for me to do it with He. And damned if my skills aren’t improving, because it only took about a week with Spooner. And I seem to be doing a hell of a job with quarterlife as well. It’s time for me to dump. Brutally honest, harsh, and unnecessarily dramatic. Ready, kids? Strap in for a ride.
He: My tactics for dealing with the end of what had become a normal part of my life are completely fucked up, and as much as they seem to be working, they’re not. Avoidance. That’s all I’m doing. I’m avoiding thinking about him. I’m avoiding admitting to missing him. I’m avoiding the whole situation, and doing such has prevented me from being a blubbering, pathetic idiot. But when it comes down to it, I’m miserable. I want to lay around and cry and wallow in self-pity. Because truth be told, my heart is broken, and I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t want to deal with that. And I know sooner or later I’m going to self-destruct because I am neglecting my personal repsonsibility to myself, and am attempting to “recover” in the worst ways possible. There is no possible way I’m ever going to get over it if I don’t face it and accept it. But I don’t have the strength, and I am terrified. I can’t do it on my own, and no one can do it with me. So I’m fucked. Truth? I’m not sad because we broke up. I’m sad because I am in love with him and our relationship was going nowhere fast. I’m sad because I am in love with him and that wasn’t enough. I’m sad because I wasn’t able to make an amazing man as happy as he made me, or, more importantly, as happy as he deserves to be. I’m sad because everything is eventual.
quarterlife: I love her dearly, I really do. But my brain has taken over and tough love has kicked in. I empathize with a lot of her situations. But my brain will not allow me to condone the poor choices she makes in order to deal with her problems. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. And then I forced myself to hear the delightful popping noise when the head comes out of the ass and starts breathing oxygen. More than any other friendship, my patience is being tested. I will not give up on her, and I am not judging her. I simply want more for her, and I want her to want more for herself. I am sure I am not the friend she expected or wanted me to be, and I feel bad about that. But I can only do so much. I can only be so much. And I know for a fact that my expectations are not too high, because she is a truly remarkable human being. It’s just infuriating watching her flail around while not realizing that about herself.
Spooner: Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can’t tell myself “I told you so” enough at this point. Prime example of my innate capability to create distance between myself and the people I desire to be closest to. Fuck.
The question I keep asking myself is this: What the fuck am I doing with my life? I’m not quite sure exactly what I mean when I ask that, but I really want to know the answer. Why am I refusing to deal with the loss I have just experienced? Why do I feel badly about everything that I do? Why does my stomach always hurt?
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
I wrote this three years ago, and somehow, it still makes sense.
“Fuck Your Fairytale Ending”
There is no happy ending
for this chaotic one-way love.
No fairytale,
no movie scene,
no happy rise above.
There is no course of action
for this confusing complex game.
No path to choose,
no road to take,
the feelings stay the same.
There is no quick solution
for this fire we allow to burn.
No air-tight space,
no water hose,
these scars teach us to learn.
There is no consolation
for this emotion misconstrued.
No happy end,
no fairytale,
just me and solitude.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
I am so, SO fucking sick of people being spineless. I know very few people who do not get loud when they’re drunk, and yet I am constantly singled out for it. Fuck people who don’t have the nerve to say it to my face or the common sense to tell me WHEN I AM BEING TOO LOUD in order for me to quiet down. How the fuck am I supposed to know it’s a problem if no one says anything? Jesus.
I’m frustrated with just about everything right now. I’m frustrated about having to work a shit job AGAIN this summer. That’s my own damned fault, but I still want to complain about it. I am discontent with the state of my friendships, and displeased with my life in general. I want something to be wonderful and perfect, and nothing is. To be honest, I’m not terribly pleased with the quarterlife-Spooner situation, and I don’t understand why. Being unhappy with it makes me even more unhappy simply because I don’t understand why it makes me unhappy. I hate my brain. I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
My world seems to be lacking something. I hugged He today and almost burst into tears. Why does it have to be so hard?
I’m tired of drama and bullshit. I’m tired of people being selfish and inconsiderate.
I’m tired of being so goddamned tired.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy
I feel as though I have never wanted to cry this badly in my entire life.
I want to curl into a little ball and cry, just let it all dump out of me until there is nothing left. I just want to be empty, because there is far too much going on right now, and I really cannot handle it all. Nor do I have the desire to. For once in my fucking life, I really, REALLY just want something to be easy. I’m not a lazy person, and I don’t expect things to be easy for me. But a break every now and then would be incredibly nice. It seems as though my cloud has no silver lining; and if it does, it is tarnished beyond any salvation. I feel black on the inside, and the more time passes, the darker I feel. But I don’t cry. I feel waves of emotion ripple through my entire body, and my eyes water, and then I don’t cry. I simply walk around silently, broodingly, and when I do talk, I don’t know myself. I’m bitchy and snappy, and I know exactly what’s happening, and I hate it. I’m reverting to my old defensive habits. There’s no way that I can justify being as miserable as I feel; I can’t lay around and cry all day or just be mopey and pathetic. So I suck it up. Everything that I feel is thrown in the pot; it boils and boils and boils, and I just keep stirring. It’s not even a matter of my wanting not to cry anymore, it’s that I physically can’t. I have somehow created a mental block that disables me from feeling what I really feel. It’s all just anger. My insides are charred.
I think about it, sometimes, and when I do, I know what’s going to happen. At least that’s how it seems. The way it plays out in my head seems completely definite. I’m going to get home from school (three weeks from now; I hope to god I can make it with at least some shred of my sanity), and as soon as I see her, I’m going to hug her so tight neither of us can breathe, and I’m going to cry. And the more I consider why the hell I would do that, I realize… relief. I will cry because I will feel so relieved. Because I will be so inexplicably happy that I found some other part of me. Because really, that’s what she is. It’s not like a cliche “my other half” type of bullshit. It’s more like she’s the one tiny piece that makes the giant machine operate correctly. And without her, the machine sits dormant, broken, sad, and empty.
Get it?
Filed under: I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I'm crazy, Ramble, Rant
I’m tired of pretending like I have friends or that people give a fuck about me.
I’m tired of realizing that I really don’t have any genuine friends in college.
I’m tired of stressing about money all the time.
I’m tired of stressing in general, about everything, all the time.
I’m tired of smoking.
I’m tired of being so uncomfortable with myself that I seriously consider an eating disorder.
I’m tired of shitty sleeping habits.
I’m tired of shitty eating habits.
I’m tired of my apathy.
I’m tired of busting my ass in classes and getting Bs.
I’m tired of going to parties and then hating alcohol the next day, even if I’m not terribly hungover.
I’m tired of superficial, shitty people.
I’m tired.
I’m tired.
I’m tired.
I can’t even write anymore. I’m tired of having so goddamn much pent up inside, and having no way to get rid of it.
Ugh. I want to sleep for days.
Filed under: Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Stop putting it in my butt, Why why why?
I can officially say (in a purely metaphorical sense, obviously) that my asshole hurts. Life is fucking me harder and faster and has absolutely no intention of stopping, it seems.
First of all, after spending a general total of about $738 to buy and install the part for my car, I now apparently need to spend $518 more in order to fix the shit underneath it that’s bent. Counting the wheel and tire and the towing, I’m up to about $1,500. I paid $1,000 for the car itself.
So, now I have to take out a loan, which I really don’t want to do, but I don’t have a choice. I’m so goddamn excited, you have no idea. On top of that, I’m not getting all that much financial aid for next year. At least at this point, it doesn’t look like I am. Which means that I’m either going to have to get a job while I’m in school next year or I’m going to have to get a badass job this summer so that I can make sure that everything is taken care of. Have I mentioned lately how fucking much I HATE money?
On a slightly happier note, I just finished my PowerPoint. I’ve been in the computer lab since 12:30. So. Six hours, and I’m finally finished with it. I don’t feel like I did it right, but I don’t care. It’s colorful and fantastic.
However, six hours (did I mention the fact that it was STRAIGHT? No interruptions?) in the computer lab means I really need to go pee, and DESPERATELY need a cigarette. So I’m off.
I just realized…only one person reads this. I doubt she even does. Woe is me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I'm crazy, Ramble
On top of all the other bullshit that’s going on in my life right now, quarterlife is killing me.
I’m stressed as fuck because I have a LOT of schoolwork to do (i.e. a PowerPoint presentation due Friday that I have 3 pages done on), I’m pretty sure there’s still something wrong with my car even though I just cleaned out my account to fix what was wrong with it in the first place (almost literally; I have 21 dollars and some change left in there), and my boyfriend has the propensity to be an incredible douchebag at the most inopportune moments, and all I really want to do is go home right this instant and be there for quarterlife. Oh, never mind the fact that I just want to go home anyway. That’s on the backburner. I’m frustrated at this feeling, because for all intensive purposes, I don’t know her. And yet I read her blog like it’s going to tell me how to breathe properly, and every time she writes about something I can relate to, I swear to god some part of my heart explodes and crumples in on itself. I don’t feel like I have a choice. I NEED to be her friend, because who the fuck else am I going to find that’s as crazy as I am while still being much more badass than I could ever be? I’m bitter that good people endure shitty experiences, and I so badly want to be there for her right now because, truth be told, I’ve dealt with rejection more times that I can recall.
GOOD GOD, GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, LIFE.
It feels like I’m trying to breathe with my head held under water.
