Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, Well shit
I just want to let you know, whoever reads this, that I’m out.
I’m gone for a while. I’m disconnecting.
I woke up this morning and could barely see. I essentially have two black eyes, minus the black. And I couldn’t get any solid sleep last night because a) I kept crying and b) my head was pounding from crying. I’m really glad I a have a huge presentation today. Good timing.
My opinion doesn’t matter. What I think doesn’t matter. How I feel doesn’t matter.
But there is a huge mistake being made.
Thus, I am going to withdraw, and learn to deal with it. That’s all I can do at this point. That and hope to God that I can get through today without bawling.
This is the antithesis of cool.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
This odd mixture of emotions is getting the better of me, and sometimes it feels as though the only way to go on living with even the most minute type of normalcy is to completely ostracize myself. It’s like the only way I can do okay or be okay is to limit my interaction with the rest of the social world. Which is odd in itself, as I’m craving company. I’m stuck in a horrific conundrum, and I don’t want to play anymore.
I have so much to do, and I don’t feel like I have the time to do it. I have obligations and constraints, and there simply is not enough time in the day without my running myself completely ragged. Break cannot come soon enough. And even then, I have to try to get a lot of work done during the break as well. Huzzah.
Things have started to happen, also, that bother me. I’m not upset, I’m not mad, I’m just…irritated. I feel like I’m struggling to empty my already overflowing plate, and shit just keeps being shovelled onto it. Please, please, leave me alone! I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I feel like I’ve been doing okay lately, you know, being responsible and whatnot, and getting things taken care of, but that’s academically. Once academics and my life start raping me up the ass, I start to get a little flustered. And a little flustered can easily turn into a lot flustered.
I just want to go home. I want to be done with some of the shit I am in the middle of (fortunately, some of it will be out of the way before the week is up) and get on with it. I want to get on with it.
I found me again. It’s odd, because due to the situation, I’m not all that happy. But I am happy. I’m that girl who I used to be, but better. I’m bright. I laugh. I radiate. And it’s so much better than how I used to be. And my first thought when I realized this was that it’s too bad that He isn’t around to experience it, and isn’t interested anyway.
Because I’m the type of girl he’d fall in love with. All over again.
Mostly, I’m just checked out on the shit that doesn’t matter. The small stuff doesn’t even roll off, because I don’t let it touch me. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to freak the fuck out about things that are inconsequential or out of my control.
I’m better now. I wish the people I want and need to see that actually would.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, WTF?, Well shit
I want to vomit violently to rid myself of the feeling lodged in my gut. It’s 20% hangover and 80% guilt.
I’m doing so well at not being a fucking prostitute, but I still make stupid choices, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of all this bullshit. I’m tired of drama, I’m tired of masking how shitty I feel all the time, I’m tired of having quasi-friends.
So, why don’t I do something about it, right? There’s only so much I can do. I can’t force people to like me. I can’t force myself to move on from something my heart won’t let go of. I can only fake it for so long before I have a complete meltdown. I think that’s when I start to make the stupid choices. And I’m not so sure it’s just because of the alcohol.
On the upside, I found a ride home for break. So that’s good.
Also, I feel like total shit. I can’t stop shaking. I wasn’t ready.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
In an up and down kind of way, I beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I’m fairly certain that I think too much.
I miss He a lot lately, usually at night. And I do my damnedest to leave him alone. He doesn’t need me.
I’m stuck. I’m happy, but I’m not happy. It’s like being content because you have Jell-o, but it’s not the flavor you wanted. So it’s good, but it’s not as good as it could be. I’m stuck wanting things that I can’t have. Why do I do this to myself? Unobtainable.
I’m starting to freak the fuck out, kids, because it’s crunch time, especially in Senior Seminar, and I’m not making the progress I feel like I should be making. I have no clue how the hell to even begin the presentation that’s due in a week. I have a presentation for another class in roughly a month, on a book that I haven’t even begun to think about reading. On top of it all, I just want to go home for break, and I have no way to get there at the moment. And I’m not sure I’m going to find a way. Balls.
I don’t even know how to say all the things I want to say. I feel emotionally retarded.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I stumbled. People keep telling me that I’m too hard on myself, but I have an idea of how I want to be, and I’m not sticking to it very well. Granted, kissing isn’t sex. And it was very brief. But it still makes me look back and cringe. My stomach flip-flops. It’s a really harsh moment of “shit.“
But that’s okay. Because I have a lot to do in order to actually get the hell out of here. I have a lot of goals that I really, really want to reach, and I’m going to. Period.
Because I want it that badly.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Stephen King wrote that, and it just kind of stuck with me.
Some day, I’m going to learn that loving myself is more important than loving someone else, especially when it is thrown in my face that I’m wasting (and possibly had wasted) my time.
Some day, I’m going to wake up and look in the mirror and believe that I’m as beautiful as I think I am on the inside.
Some day, I’m going to fix all the things I’ve broken, including myself.
I’m doing better lately. I resist temptations, or at least the ones that I know will get me into trouble or lead me to something I know I will regret. I’m angsty and sad and bitter, but I’m doing okay. Or at least very close to okay, most of the time. I think stupid amounts of physical activity helps.
I refuse to believe that I am a bad person, but I feel like I am. And I’m exhausted. I’m tired of feeling nothing but negative things about myself as a result of everything with He. It’s stupid. But I can’t bring myself to change it. I don’t really know how. Some of it is in his hands, I suppose, and it’s all such clusterfuckery that it doesn’t matter.
It never really mattered.
Some day, I’m going to have the strength to rise from the ashes and begin anew.
I am beautiful and brilliant. I am a good friend and a good person, and I am overlooked.
I don’t want to do it all over with someone else. That’s part of my problem, I think. I don’t want it with anyone else. I never asked for marriage. I never asked for forever. I never asked for much.
I’m sorry I couldn’t show you how much I love(d) you. And it’s not that I didn’t. I couldn’t. And now that I can, you don’t care.
I have so much to say, and no one to say it to.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit, Yays!
I’m suspended in some sort of etherial cloud.
I am cognizant of my emotions, but some of them are not within my control. For example, the guilt and disgust I feel about the things I have done plague me, but I choose to ignore them. The feelings I still struggle with toward He, however, are not so controllable. I can prevent feelings that arise from the initial feelings, but the root of them are permanent. It’s frustrating, because I’m trying to just be positive and move on. Even though I still don’t want to.
It’s only been five days, and already I’m starting to feel better. My resolve is unshaken. I’m eagerly anticipating becoming the person I want to be rather than the person I was becoming. There are certain things I want that would make the process easier, but I suppose learning to deal without them is helpful in its own way as well. I miss He terribly. It happens mostly at night, and its frustrating. But I swallow it, because what else is there to do? I need to leave him alone and let him live his life. He doesn’t need me.
For now, I suppose, that is all.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
To the few of you that have proven to me the things I have doubted, thank you.
I finally have experienced the painful and difficult realization that my behavior has got to stop. There are serious and terrifying consequences to what I have been doing, and I should avoid them rather than just hope for the best. I’m going to stop drinking and partying so much. And if I do happen to partake in either, I’m going to make sure it’s not in an environment that can get out of control. I don’t know what the hell I have been thinking, and I’m not sure that the way I have been feeling is a valid enough reason for the endeavors I have participated in. I used to pride myself on the fact that I hadn’t had sex with many people. Now I look back on the last couple of months and feel complete disgust and disappointment at what I’ve allowed myself to become. I have said it before, and this time I am going to prove it. That is not the girl I am, nor is it the girl I want to be. My rapid transformation into that girl is coming to and end. Now.
I don’t know how it happened, but I feel less pressure. I still have intense and overpowering feelings for He, but they’re not running my life. I can have a conversation with him without breaking down. Granted, I still want to; it eats at the back of my brain, but I don’t do it. I can control myself. A part of me is really happy about that, because I think that is going to enable me to do better in regards to healing. Another part isn’t so sure it’s what I really want to do. But at this point, what choice do I have? I love someone I cannot have, that does not want me, and the only thing to do is move past it, I suppose. Some shit about better to have loved and lost…
I am seriously resolute this time. I keep destroying myself because of the things I’ve been doing, and yet I continue to do them. I’m done. I’m tired of feeling the ways that I feel, I’m tired of putting myself in situations I deplore, I’m tired of all of it. And I keep doing it to myself. So why not just stop? It’s been brought to my attention that perhaps I need support. I’ve been yearning for that. I am inclined to think I need to do it by myself, to show myself that I don’t need someone else, that I can do it on my own, that I’m self-sustaining. But at the same time, I do see how having people who are cheering me on is only going to make the process easier. You know, positive reinforcement.
He is my best friend. It’s complicated, it’s messy, there’s still a lot of loose ends. But I appreciate his friendship, and I’m trying to limit it to just that. I very much want to keep him in my life. We’ll see how it goes.
quarterlife has touched me very deeply by proving to me that some people really do give a fuck, no matter what. It’s been shown to me before, but it is indescribably moving to me coming from her, especially considering all the bullshit we’ve gone through.
Again, to these few people, especially the two mentioned: thank you. I’m not going to let you down this time.
I’m not going to let me down.
I braved the bar solo last night. And several magical things happened. And I mean magical.
Firstly, Guapo insisted I sit at the bar so that I could “make friends” or be social or something, and that ended up pretty well. I did both.
Then, when it came time to go home (actually, once it was way past time to go home), Guapo wouldn’t take no for an answer, and walked me home, even though it was completely out of his way. And then he proceeded to be a complete gentleman. Many things could have happened last night, but they didn’t, because he’s pretty fucking amazing.
I’m being vague on details, and I’m sorry. But it’s been a while since I’ve run into a guy that can control himself as well as Guapo did. I think that’s pretty magical.
I’ve got more, but I have shit to do today, and I’ve already thrown too much of it away.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not entirely sure how I feel, or what I’m doing, or what I’m supposed to feel, or what I’m supposed to be doing, but I am resolute.
Thing have to change, at very least. I’ve gotten a handle on my uncharacteristic behaviors, with few slip-ups, and I intend to keep improving in that respect. I’m tired of having to torture myself the next day for actions that were ill-thought out or too quickly adhered to. It’s not so much what I’m doing, but why I’m doing it. So, I suppose, it’s actually both. Either way, I’m too exhausted to do it to myself anymore. I have far too much going on as it is, and I don’t need to focus my energy on how stupid I’ve been. I need to just knock it off. Developing self-esteem and self-respect should not be as difficult as I seem to be making it, nor should it happen in the ways I am endeavoring to achieve it. I believe that I can be happy without placating myself with a false sense of validation from temporary physical benefits. What I want cannot be substituted, and I need to make sure I remember that before I take my pants off, or whatever.
What I really need to do is buckle down and focus on school. It, on top of everything else going on in my life, is kicking my ass, and the apathy I feel toward it is not conducive to my success. It’s tricky for me, because I’m attempting to build myself a social network to inhibit the lonliness that consumes me, but that shouldn’t take away from the time I devote to school. And it does. So, apparently I need to work on that as well.
The frustrating part is that there is so much that needs to be done, and I am fully aware of it, and willing to do it, but I am so exhausted from having not done it that all I really want is to do nothing. Just lay in bed and sleep it all away. Because in bed, everything somehow seems better, minus the empty space next to me. Lonliness is like a violent rapist. There is no real struggle, because it just overpowers you. The more you attempt to struggle, or fight it off, the more it seems to enjoy violating you. The worse it gets. I’ve kind of taken to just laying there and letting it happen. Just get it over with. The real trouble comes from what results, the heaviness. I feel pregnant with the seed, the burden of lonliness. Abort, abort.
That is all, for now. I ache with the need to purge, but I need to find the words.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
Today may have been a breakthrough. Or tonight, rather.
I didn’t show my breasts to anyone. I didn’t have sex with anyone. I kissed a friend, but that is all. That is the extent of it. And I explained to him why I didn’t necessarily want to just be friends with benefits.
I’m progressing.
I feel good. That is all I want to say at the moment, because I need to go to bed. Now.
P.S. Nipping out really hard (as in it being REALLY fucking cold outside) is painful and slightly arousing.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
It’s a strange situation, really.
I’m fine so long as I’m not thinking about it.
And then I’m alone, and the world comes crashing down, and I’m sick to my stomach, and I can’t handle anything, and I want to freak out or punch someone or rip my hair out.
This is the dumbest bullshit I have ever dealt with. EVER.
And then I take it out on He, just because I blame him for how I feel, which is also dumb, but I can’t help it, because I’m so fucking bitter about the fact that I can’t make him love me. I want to do something huge, something epic, something amazing that will show him how important this is to me, how badly I want him, how different I am and it could be. But I feel like even if I walked through fire, it wouldn’t be enough. Nothing I do is going to be enough, and I don’t know how to deal with that. There’s a lot of complicated shit that goes with that, and I just…ugh. I can’t handle it.
Fuck my life. I’m doing okay, though. That’s good.
I think I’ve got roughly three guys “interested” in me, and that’s…difficult. I’ve been doing fairly well with staving off using them, though, and that’s good. I hang out with them, because they’re cool guys, but I’m not going to allow myself to give in to their interests purely so that I can feel better about how desperately unwanted and worthless I feel. Just because I ache to be wanted, loved, whatever, doesn’t mean I’m going to take advantage, regardless of what their motives are or how pure their intentions are. It’s just not something I want to do. Ever.
I’m tired of making everyone else miserable.
Moving on to step two.
Oh, and also, my phone isn’t here yet, and if it doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to fucking RAGE. Because I have to go to Verizon to get the service switched over, and if I don’t get there before they close…oh my god. So grumpy.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I need to knock it the fuck off.
What the fuck am I doing to myself?
I don’t know if it’s alcohol, or just my blatant disregard for myself due to a lack of self-respect, but I am doing things that aren’t characteristic of me. Again. Granted, some part of me does want to do them, hence why I do, but I don’t think that they are things that are conducive to my getting better. I’m okay, I think, for the most part. And then…and then I do something that makes me feel cheap and disgusting the next morning, and I’m sick to my stomach with guilt, and I’m not sure why I feel guilty at all. Because I know it’s wrong? Because I know I probably shouldn’t have done it, and whatever reason I have FOR doing it isn’t good enough? “Because I wanted to” isn’t a good enough reason for me. It is, but it’s not.
I feel like I’ve lost my fucking mind, and that’s the hard part. I’m on a quick road to destruction, and I need to grab the wheel and pull a sharp U-turn. And I recognize that, but don’t seem to be able to do it just yet. I feel like I should withdraw from the world, because my participation in it is doing me more harm than good at this point.
It’s time, for real-real, to get my shit in order.
It starts today.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I think I’ve finally reached the breaking point.
It has all culminated into one brilliant, disgusting moment, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with myself. And I don’t really know how to go about cleaning up the mess I’ve become, or the messes I’ve made.
I need to stop. Just…stop, period. I do things that make me look back and cringe. I behave in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of me, just because I can. I’ve gotten far too out of control. And it’s time to rein myself in. I don’t like the way things are going, and thus, and I have to do something about it.
The image that keeps coming into my head is that I’ve been fighting against a whirlpool. It had been pulling at me, harder and harder, and I had been swimming against it, exhausted, trying to keep myself out of it, every stroke draining me. And it just seems like I either finally lost the battle, or I just gave in, and now I’m swirling down, down, down, and if I don’t do something, I’m going to drown.
At what point am I going to start taking my own advice?
Too many unanswered questions, kids. That’s my problem.
How the fuck do I get over He when part of me wants to hold out?
And should I really hold out when there’s no guarantee?
Ugh. I’m going to do some homework now. I’m sure I’ll post again later.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
I feel like I’ve come to some sort of stand-still in my life. I’ve been so caught up in the whirlwind, and now I’m standing completely still, the world whooshing around me, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve gotten this far, but what’s next? Where do I go from here? I’m not sure I want to rejoin that hectic, chaotic movement. I can breathe in my stasis. That’s the thing about standing still, though. I’m doing it alone. So as nice as it is to breathe, it’s like inhaling a slow poison. I can enjoy it right now, but eventually, it’s going to kill me.
I’m terrified that I have taught myself to be ingenuine. I feel very unhappy most of the time, but I can put on a happy face and act completely normal, even when I want to break down. The only person that it doesn’t happen with is He, and I hate that. I’m wasting my time. I’m wasting my energy. I’m wasting my feelings. It really feels like high school all over again, where I find myself completely in love with someone that barely notices me. That’s kind of a harsh way to represent the situation, but that’s the meat of it. I guess I’m just tired of being…defective. It’s like I’m some sort of fucked up Midas, except rather than gold, everything I touch turns to shit. And I shouldn’t feel this way, because I’m not the same. Even my friends have told me that I’m vastly different now than I was even 6 months ago. And I am. I am. I know I am. Why is it that the one person I want to see that, doesn’t?
I’m exhausted. I want one good day. One whole day that is so good that I don’t even have time to think about being down about anything. I do my best to make that happen, but I guess there’s only so much I can do. There’s only so much I can avoid thinking about. And there’s only so much supression I can handle.
I am what I am. I am flawed, I am stubborn, I am absurd.
I still deserve to be happy.
I still deserve to be loved.
I think I deserve a chance.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m having some.
I’m not sure I want to be friends with He. I mean, I know I do, but I don’t think it’s working out for me at this point. I’m at serious unease. Sometimes, I feel perfectly fine about things. But that’s in certain situations. The majority of the time, I’m kind of sick to my stomach. I’m annoyed. The entire thing is trying my patience, and I don’t really know how much more and I can endure. I think I’m subjecting myself to things that aren’t helping me in any way.
He’s fucking using me.
That’s my radtastic fucking epiphany for the day. Pretty stoked about it.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
I’m quickly tiring of the rollercoaster. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m growing weary of the ups and downs.
One night I’m so desperately miserable that I have mutliple panic attacks and can barely keep my eyes open due to the amount of crying I’m doing. The next night, I feel fine. What is this?
Maybe it’s just because I distract myself with schoolwork. Or maybe I just tell myself that because on some level, I’m afraid that maybe I am starting to get over it and I’m not sure I’m ready/willing to.
Truth? I have no fucking idea what’s going on. And I might be okay with that.
Maybe.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Why why why?
I’m not one of those people that relies on fate. I don’t often believe that everything happens for a reason, and when I refer to karma, I’m usually doing so in a joking or playful manner. I think shit happens.
I also believe that shitty things happen to good people. I think terrible, painful, horrendous things happen to people that don’t deserve to have those things happen to them. Of course, good things happen as well, but those aren’t the things I’m talking about.
I’m a good person, or I try to be. I think I’m a good friend, and I try to live my life well. I try to be good to others, and I go out of my way to not be selfish, or any other variety of detestable things. And then I get caught up feeling like I don’t deserve for some things to happen to me. I know that everyone experiences their fair share of crappy situations. Life isn’t exactly wonderful for everyone all the time – I get that. But I’m getting tired of crappy things happening to me so often. It’s hard to keep my chin up when the world keeps slamming a fist into it. And mostly, it’s just one thing. One situation that I wish would go away. One tremendously painful and difficult hand that life has dealt, and I don’t know what to do with my cards. I keep thinking I’m putting the right ones down, and then I realize that I’m still behind, and no matter what, I’m not going to win at this game. It’s exhausting, continuously getting your hopes up just to realize that you’re not doing as well as you thought. Sure, tell me I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am. But I think I’m somewhat entitled. We all have a right to sink to our knees and wallow in our misery sometimes.
Two weeks after a four year relationship, He put a knife in my heart. I had long since freely given it to him – my heart, that is – and I trusted him with it. But we broke up, and he hasn’t given it back. And he’s not caring for it. I don’t expect him to care for it how he once did, but if he’s not going to give it back, he should at least make sure that it’s properly taken care of. But alas, it is neglected, outside of the occasional twist of the knife. My problem, I think, is that I have no choice but to assume the worst. He gives me no reason to believe that I’m not in this by myself. I’m the only one feeling the way I feel. I’m obsolete, and He upgraded. He doesn’t need me because he has her, and anything he ever felt for me was long ago withered and dead. I have no choice but to feel this way, because I have no evidence to the contrary, and he offers none. I tire of telling him anything about how I feel, because he goes to bed with her at night, and I’m still sleeping alone. I don’t want to tell him I love him and miss him, because it’s her scent on the pillow next to him. I keep my mouth shut about the hollow void he left in me because it’s her hand that fits in his. I was replaced, and that’s difficult. On some level because I don’t think she’s better, but mostly because I feel that I deserve better. Because I feel that shitty things happen to good people. And I try to be a good person, and this shitty thing happened to me.
I don’t think it’s ever going to go away. I love He. I am in love with He. He has done some things that cause me excrutiating pain, and I want to hate him. Part of me does. Part of me loathes him, is disgusted by him. But that stupid love thing…it overrides all of my common sense. It implores me to forgive him for everything he does. And that’s the thing – I owe no forgiving. He hasn’t done anything wrong. Sure, he destroyed my heart. He’s hurt me more than any other person, ever. But he didn’t do it intentionally, and it’s none of my business, so how can it be a problem, really?
I am exhausted. I wake in the middle of the night and roll over to press myself into his back, and he’s not there. And then those words echo. He’s not there. Not at all. He is physically and emotionally detached from me. That’s a pretty difficult aspect as well. Because he has her next to him. And me? I just want to sleep through one night without his ghost next to me. I’m so tired.
I’m tired of doing this, as well.
I’m tired of no one caring.
I’m tired of carrying it around all day.
I just want it to go away.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
There are moments in my life that make me step back and look at my past self and cringe.
I’m not a perfect person.
I’ve made mistakes.
He and I had a conversation today that kind of shook me up. I’ve gotten to the point where I say that I don’t give a fuck what people think about me, which is true, but I guess He added a preface to it. As long as it’s not someone that I care a lot about and that means more to me than almost anything, I don’t give a fuck what people think about me. Sometimes it’s really hard to have someone you love say terrible things to you, especially when they’re (for the most part) true. It’s not easy at all. And not pleasant, either.
I just wanted to throw that out there. I’ve got a lot more, I just…I have things to do.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit
I am tired.
My body hurts.
My heart is conflicted.
My mind is overloaded.
I want to sleep for days.
But I want there to be someone there with me.
I think I’ve been doing pretty well with ignoring how lonely I am. Some nights are worse than others, though, especially when I feel the way I do. There is nothing I would love more than to be able to crawl into bed, cover myself in the warmth of someone’s arms, and sleep. I’m sure it’s He I miss, and his embrace, but at the same time, I kind of want to punch him in the face. Like, I want to punch him in the face and then cuddle with him. Get it out of my system and then bask in some sort of false reality.
What was will never be.
That’s hard for me.
And I don’t know why.
I was fucking happy, that’s why. And if one more person tries to tell me that I wasn’t, I’m going to freak out. I’m pretty sure I know better than anyone else how I felt. Regardless. It’s just one more awesome obstacle I have to hurdle.
I’m getting tired of jumping. Jumping hurdles. Jumping obstacles. Jumping through hoops. When do I just get to be? When do I get to just move on? He’s doing it, why can’t I? Why do I have to keep falling back down? My body is going to tire of the abuse, and I can’t do anything about it. What’s going to happen when I fall and can’t get back up again? What then?
I try not to think about it. Because I do keep getting back up. I don’t fall a lot; I mostly stumble. But I do fall. And my knees are bloody and ragged. It hurts to pick myself up and keep going. But I have to. It’s over.
It’s over.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Want to know the truth?
I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend.
He is still the most attractive guy I know.
I have no reason to be shy in saying that I want to fuck the hell out of him. Even without his encouragement.
I am a fucking idiot, and I would love to hear you tell me differently.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Inspired, My heart hurts, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
So, I’m going to be honest here.
Some days, I feel pretty good. I can keep the demons at bay, or they don’t even bother to wake up at all, and I have a decent time. I function, I can breathe, everything goes well. These are good days, and I feel like I’m okay, like I’m on the path to being totally okay. Like somehow maybe the whole evolution thing really is going to pan out, and I’m on my way to standing on my own two feet. I like these days.
Other days (mostly nights) I fall down. I fall down hard. These are bad days. The demons hold me down and choke the air out of me and I feel like I can’t do anything. It literally feels like I’m losing my mind, because everything becomes so overwhelming that I can’t breathe. I cry so hard that I can’t see straight, I can’t think, I can’t do anything. Pretty much the epitome of not fucking cool.
The truth:
There are days (nights) when I miss He so much that I feel like the world is collapsing on top of me.
I am still deeply, hopelessly, painfully in love with He. I can’t turn it off.
I feel like I threw away the best thing that ever did and possibly ever will happen to me.
He is my best friend, and that is not helpful at all. When you need to turn to someone and your best friend is also the source of your pain, things don’t exactly work out.
There isn’t a single thing on this campus that doesn’t make me think of He.
Sometimes I have to stop myself from calling He and asking if he wants to go to the Admin lawn and throw a frisbee around. It’s like I’ve forgotten.
I guess that’s the nutshell version. I don’t want to go in-depth because I’ve done pretty well with not having a complete meltdown today, minus when He called me and then later when my dad called. At some point I just have to take a breath and tell myself to knock it off. The only way things are going to change is if I start to get the fuck over it. Regression’s going to happen, that’s natural. But I feel like somehow my path to recovery is flawed, and in some way, I’m repressing things. Because when the regression into misery finally hits, it hits hard. It’s debilitating.
I need some sort of giant switch so I can shut myself off sometimes. That or I need the part of my brain removed that’s devoted to He. It’s nearly inexplicable. I want so desperately to explain it, but even in my head, it sounds pathetic.
I won’t be that girl.
Edit:
There’s also this. It’s very, very rough, but I think I kind of like it. It will go somewhere eventually.
I was the apple no one wanted
perhaps because I was difficult to see
perhaps because I was difficult to reach
but you climbed
and climbed
and kept climbing
because you wanted me
your mouth watered for me
you had to have me
and you worked so hard
for so long
and then you touched me
you reached me
you picked me
and I was rotten.
I was spoiled.
I filled your mouth with bitterness
and maggots.
And I thought
you threw me away
when you let me fall from your grasp
before I realized
I discarded you
by not being sweet
and juicy
and filling you with the flavor
you had so longed for.
I loved being yours but
I bruised my skin
I yellowed my insides
I became disgusting
because I knew I could never be
the taste that you deserved.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
I am officially done. I’m not doing this anymore. There is far too much shit going on that is far more important.
Here are the facts. I was violently in love with He. I was absurdly happy with him.
I did a terrible job of showing that to him, and spent a lot of time making him miserable.
I drove him away.
I did this.
So I’m going to suck it the fuck up. Yeah, I still love him. Yeah, I miss him. Yeah, I’m miserable because I know that maybe things would have been different if I hadn’t been so terrible, so unbearable. But I have a lot of life ahead of me. I’m pretty sure that clinging to this and allowing myself to be haunted by the nagging pain that follows me around is completely unneccesary.
I’m hoping that I am not really broken, and that I’m not doomed to a lifetime of lonliness because I drive away everyone I love. It’s difficult for me to believe, but I try to tell myself that there is someone out there who will love me. I try to tell myself that I’m not impossible to love. That I’m not unloveable.
I try to tell myself that there’s nothing wrong with me.
I threw away the best thing I’ve ever had. And it’s time for me to get over it.
For real-real, not for play-play.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Okay, so maybe I’m a goddamned liar. Maybe I just get far too optimistic sometimes. Maybe, just maybe, I really don’t handle being lonley very well. I truly want to believe that I am okay without He up here, and that would be a whole lot easier if I could keep myself occupied. Because it’s turning into an issue. It’s not just missing him. It’s not just feeling like something about being up here is off, missing, incomplete. It’s not just being kind of sad that we’re broken up and everything – everything – is different. It’s that I start thinking back, back to when we broke up, and I start getting sad/hurt/angry again. I go out of my way not to call He and ask him why the fuck he replaced me. And then I have to battle with myself in order to convince myself that he didn’t replace me, no matter what it feels like. Just because there is absolutely no other way I can feel about the situation doesn’t mean that that’s how it is. And mostly, I’m just fucking irate because I swear to JESUS I thought I was over this horseshit. So, in a nutshell, I am trying really hard to just not think about anything pertaining to He at all. Which is difficult. But I’m doing my best, and it’s going to get better. It’s going to get better. I refuse to allow this shit to happen again.
So. I’m not entirely sure that any of that made sense or even came out the way I wanted it to, but I had to fucking vomit it out somewhere, because I’m having a difficult time this morning. I know there’s going to be a problem when I go to bed in a decent mood and wake up feeling much less than 100%. I feel like some part of me had a super delayed reaction and is just now going through the grieving process. Which really isn’t cool. I’m exhausted with being sad at all, about anything. Especially anything regarding He.
I find myself stifling bitterness.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Yays!
It’s odd, because just when I think the entire world is closing in on me, things start to look up.
The things I was stressing myself out about – one in specific – have essentially melted away. I’m not freaking out every three seconds anymore. I’m doing better at not allowing my mind to run away with me. Yeah, it’s different up here without He. Yeah, it makes me miss him and it makes me sad. But I’m a fucking trooper, and if I could get through all the drama and bullshit that happened this summer, I think I can handle not being around him. In a strange way I’m kind of glad he’s 600 miles away. It forces me to handle college on my own rather than using He as a crutch, which is essentially what I did for the last 3 years. Now I actually have to make friends and develop a social network for myself. It’s exciting and terrifying, and though most of me feels like it’s going to take too much effort, I’m kind of looking forward to it. Shit, I made a ton of new friends before I left to come up here, so why can’t I do it here? We’ll see how it goes.
I just spent 200 dollars on books. It’s not really a bad deal considering that I bought 12, but at the same time it pisses me off because I know I’ll get maybe 20 bucks when/if I try to sell them back. It’s fucking horseshit, and I don’t know why it still bothers me when I should be used to it. I’m brilliant for choosing English as a major. On a similar vein, I’m a little worried about a couple of my classes. I’m glad that I only have class on Tuesday and Thursday, because I’m going to need a lot of time for at least two of my classes. Senior Sem and Fiction are going to kick my ass in terms of writing, and Modern Fiction is going to kick my ass in terms of reading. 7 of the books I bought today were for that class alone. GUH. It’s a good thing I am fucking badass. : )
So I guess I’m in a decent mood. There’s a little bit of drama going on at home in terms of my family, but I guess that’s working out as well…it tends to get a bit rough when I can’t be there to help my dad out with things. But hopefully everything is going well. I’m really glad that my dad is so happy with his fiance and her daughters and whatnot. It’s a nice little family unit we’ve put together.
OH! And I’m going to go start working out, and I am super stoked for that, because I’ve already lost a lot of weight, and now I’m just going to look fucking SEXY and toned and whatnot. That’s right, you wait for it, when I come home again, I’m going to look like teh s3×0rz and it will be AWESOME (I probably just did that wrong, but I don’t really care). I’m so ready to be stupid attractive again. High school body, here I come!
I guess that’s it for now. I’m trying to be as optimistic as possible, if not only because things are looking up and I want to keep it that way.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?, Yays!
The last couple of days have been…rough…I suppose I would say. I’ve been having miniature internal meltdowns almost every night, and sometimes they spill out and I have to talk to someone. Most recently it’s been my parents, and I told He, and all three of them have told me that I need to just calm down. I’m sure they are right, but it’s still sort of difficult because some of the things I am stressing about are terrifying. It takes a lot of energy for me to just shove it to the back of my mind so that I can function like a normal human being.
I’m back in the ’scow, and initially, I was really happy about it. I realized that I really do like it up here. And then, while sitting in my dorm room, being bored out of my mind (my roommate is like, an exchange student or something from Ecuador, and isn’t in our room all that much because she has to go to meetings and stuff…or something), I had a mini-panic attack. I guess. Sort of. The brain took me on a magical journey to Misery Swamp, and all I could think about was He, and how hard it’s going to be up here without him, and blah blah blah blah blah. And then I just got sad because we are broken up, which is stupid, and so I just sat here and cried like a little baby for a while and then took a deep breath and knocked it the fuck off. It is going to be a huge change without He up here, not only because we’re not together anymore, but because he was the doorway to friendships and social gatherings for me. I’m pretty sure that none of the guys in his house actually have a whole lot of interest in being my friend or hanging out with me, and the only reason that they ever did was because I was He’s girlfriend. It’s kind of depressing, but I guess it’s just an opportunity for me to make more friends or something by myself. I guess I just need to adjust a little bit better rather than feeling sorry for myself, which it seems like is what I am doing.
On the upside, I figured out how to get connected to the internet all by myself. I’m pretty proud of that, because last year I had to have He do it because I had all sorts of problems with it. I got it done in like, an hour (technically it was like, five minutes, but I’m counting the time that I spent in the computer lab AFTER I registered the connection). I know it’s silly, but it’s a small triumph for me personally. I guess you’d have to be me to understand. It’s liberating? Because I didn’t need He to do it for me. It seems cruel or harsh or mean, maybe, but I guess I like that I am capable of doing things that I needed He for before. It makes me feel like I’m getting my independence back, and that’s a good thing. I hope. I just need to cling to that, because truthfully, for the last…oh…4-5 hours I’ve been missing He terribly.
I’m hoping that this year is fantastic. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that it is, but who knows what hand life plans on dealing me?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not sure I should even be doing this right now, because I have been far too contemplative and somewhat down for the past couple of days. I guess I just want to dump it out.
I was so gloriously okay, and then new information rears its ugly head, and I feel myself teetering on the edge of misery. I refuse to feel the way I felt before, and I don’t think I do. But some part of me has such a difficult time dealing with the situation, particularly because of some of the finer details. And it would be so much easier to deal with if people didn’t use bullshit excuses to validate the things they’ve done. Maybe that’s just me, but regardless, it’s bothersome. My biggest problem at this point is that some part of me is clinging so desperately to it all, and really, I don’t care that much. I don’t want to care. None of it is my business, and I don’t want it to be. I just don’t know how to turn myself off. It’s okay, but it’s not fucking okay. It’s driving me crazy. So most of the time, I prefer to just not think abotu it. I’m not really sure what’s going on with me, and that’s infuriating because I was doing so well, and now I feel as though I’m slipping.
I can’t wait to leave. I’ve loved the past few weeks here, hanging out with people and having a good time and whatnot, but I’m ready to remove myself from the situation. I think distance will help me put the finishing touches on distancing myself completely in terms of emotions, and that is a huge part of all my shit right now, I think.
I’ll do this again later. I really don’t have it in me right now. I’m not even sure any of this makes sense.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
I don’t even know where to begin. I am conflicted because I am acting very out of character. I am making the choice to do so each time I do, and then I start to feel…guilty? about it. At the same time, I am 21 years old, I am single, and I can do whatever the fuck I want. I still have integrity, so I don’t know what my problem is. At this point, I’ve just decided on “fuck it” because I don’t need to waste my time worrying about whether or not I come off as a giant whore. Shit happens, and life goes on. I’m enjoying myself.
I think this is going to be my last week of work. I’m pretty stoked about it considering that last week I serverely fucked up my back. Thanks to Smokes, though, it feels a whole hell of a lot better. It was an incredibly painful process, but he worked some serious magic. Yays! The shit was literally starting to destroy me. It hurt to breathe, for fucks sake. But I think I’m on the road to recovery, so that’s good.
I am content. Life has been a whirlwind for the past few weeks, and it’s hard to keep up with it all, but it’s been a hell of a ride, and I feel good. I feel like me again. And that’s really, really nice. At the same time, I do need to get my shit organized, because I may be headed toward a very dangerous slope that I don’t want to fall down. I’m not sure if it’s a lack of self-control or just being so caught up in the brilliance of it all, but I’ve gone crazy. Haha.
I’m in love with life right now.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not 100% on how I feel at the moment, and that pisses me off. Even when I was sitting around by myself, I still felt good. And then He comes along and fucks it up. Derails me. I’m struggling to not let it bother me, and I’m doing a decent job, but I can feel myself slipping. I’m not sure what to do to stop it. I refuse to let myself be brought down again. I worked so hard to get where I am and I will NOT let him bring me down anymore. Every time I start dwelling on it, I just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell myself I deserve better. Shitty things happen to good people, sometimes.
I’m having a hard time not feeling like perhaps I am too needy with my new friends. I enjoy hanging out with them, but at some point last week I just stopped texting them because I felt like I was being too much. People need space. Shirt just texted me, and that made me feel nice, because I didn’t have to make the effort. It pisses me off that I feel this way because I know WHY I feel this way and I shouldn’t have to. That’s why I’m so irritated that I’m bothered by the stupid shit with He. It affects everything in my life in terms of my behavior, and I don’t need that to happen. I don’t want it to happen. I’m not going to let it happen. Jesusfuck.
I cannot WAIT until Thursday rolls around. I’m going to rectify the way I’m feeling by uttering a silent “FUCK YOU” to all the drama, and I’m going to go to the Gator and have the time of my life, like I always do. That’s where my happy lies; in the people, the spirits, and the sheer fun that lingers there.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I take back my previous smacking. I don’t need to smack myself at all. The things I do are the things I want to do because I am not an idiot, I am not a slut, I am not irresponsible, I am not that girl. I’m a good person, and somewhere deep down, I honestly believe that. I believe that I do deserve to be happy. I believe that I don’t deserve to spend the rest of my life feeling like shit because I spent four years with someone who now chooses to make me feel that I was inadequate. I am enough. I am more than enough. And I hope to god that I can convince myself to believe not only that, but that I deserve better.
I’ve been happy lately. Things have been looking up. He is still my best friend but I think some part of me is trying to get rid of that. Some part of me loathes him so violently that it is difficult for me to keep it in check. Because the whole of me still cares very much about him and I don’t need to be burning any bridges (he already did). I don’t know what I want between us, and I haven’t been thinking about it. I don’t think about him, much. I try not to.
I am terrified that perhaps I have developed feelings or at least some sort of attachment to K-B. I’m sure there will be more on this as the situation develops. Ha.
The wasted chance.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
Life. It goes on. It’s hard, it’s ugly, it’s painful. But time keeps ticking by, and it does what it does.
Maybe I’ll be okay. For real-real, not for play-play.
Councelling went very well. It was, as I expected, a little awkward, but I think it will improve. She’s a pretty cool chick, and it was easy to kind of just chat about things. Plus, I only cried a teeny tiny little bit. I walked out of that place, got back to my car, and almost bawled. I was so fucking relieved. It was the first time in a long time that I felt happy. Everything felt okay. I got some sense of hope. The whole thing is just a good plan.
Also, in light of recent events, I need to smack myself. Tsssk tsssk, me.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
The past couple of days, despite my going out of my way to keep my mind occupied, have been rough. After work tonight I came home and felt myself slipping into the same disgusting pool of misery that I have been working so hard to pull myself out of. I’m terrified and relieved to be going to councelling tomorrow. Relieved because I know or at least seriously hope that it will help me. Help me identify my emotions. Process them. Get the fuck over it all. Terrified because I’m worried that I won’t know what to say. Or just worried that I’m going to open my mouth and it’s all going to come spilling out in some incomprehensible tearful babble. I don’t want to tap into that again. I don’t want to hurt anymore and I don’t want to identify with the pain I carry around. I know it will do me good, but I don’t want to do it. I don’t deserve to feel this way. I don’t deserve what He is doing, and I hate that I have to feel anything about it. It really is none of my business but the pain of it is so fucking unbearable that I feel I’m being crushed by it. The walls close in and my lungs can’t expand and I get so fucking clausterphobic that I can’t handle it. I’m in some kind of hell. This life is a prison and I want out.
I’m bitter and resentful and still so fucking sad that I can’t handle it. I’m angry because He is regarding us unequally. It is as though he can do whatever he wants; he can move on, he can fuck people, he can be in a quasi-relationship, he can be perfectly okay, but I can’t. That idea bounces around in the back of my skull each and every day. When I stop to think about it, it becomes so infuriating and hurtful that I barely know what to do with myself.
I deserve to be happy, too.
I realized something horrifying yesterday. My dad and I were discussing the prices of things and the price of cigarettes, and I told him that I really wanted to quit, if not only because I’m throwing away money on smoking. And before the words hurled themselves from between my lips, I stopped myself, because I didn’t want to tell my father the thought that crossed my mind. The only reason I keep smoking, and that I smoke so much, is because I need a habit. Without smoking, I would go back to cutting. I thought about this for a second, thought about all the things that came with the thought, as though perhaps it were just some peripheral off-handed idea that I was using to justify smoking. But then the stark reality set in. I do. Badly. I want to bury a blade in my flesh and wrench out all the pain. I want the deep, ragged, itchy reminders that I can purge all the hurt whenever I want. And that’s why I go out of my way to do other things. That is why I smoke, almost a pack a day some days. Because I don’t need to be that girl again. Because there are better ways. Because I won’t let He have that power over me. Not anymore.
Not that long ago, I wanted, almost desperately, to keep He in my life. I wanted to keep my best friend. My rock. That idea has begun to change in a slowly rapid fashion. I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m going through the angry stage (or whatever, I’m pretending there are stages to this, I guess), or because as a person, I am disgusted by him. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m not going to pretend that the way I feel is unreasonable. It’s not. I do not in any way agree with what he has done. It is, as I said before, a difficult thing for me in terms of how to cope with it, especially because it is his life. But the way that it affects me – with his knowledge – makes it what in my mind right now is unforgivable. I’m trying. I struggle with “forgiveness” every day. I struggle with the idea that perhaps I don’t need to forgive anyone because no one did anything wrong. The entire fucking thing has my mind (not to mention my stomach) in so many knots that I really don’t know what to think anymore. Regardless. I refuse to believe that the way I feel isn’t reasonable. I’d like to meet someone who wouldn’t feel at least in some small way anything like I do right now if the same thing happened to them.
I don’t know what I deserve. But I really, really want to believe that I deserve better than how I feel right now. I want to believe that some day, someone will love me as much as I do them. More than anything, I want so desperately to believe that I do deserve to be happy.
More than anything.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
Good GAWD. Once again, I feel as though there is a lot inside me that is just itching to get out but there is something disabling me from allowing it to.
I do want to say one thing, and this is more for me than anything else. I think I actually need to stare at it for a while. I do not forgive He. There are so many things about that statement that I have a hard time processing them all. Technically, he didn’t do anything to me. It’s his life, his business, his choice. But I don’t think it is entirely unreasonable for me to feel the way I do about it. It was a HUGE slap in the face. More like a punch. And I’m not sure the black eye is ever going to go away. I don’t know if I CAN ever forgive He. Part of me wants to, and another part is telling me that I’m better off. I spent four years with a stranger.
As far as my social life is concerned, I would say I’m doing a lot better. The past few times I’ve gone out, there has been very minimal drama, a lot of hilarity, and just an overall great time was had. In the past week I’ve made a whole handfull of new friends, and they actually show interest in hanging out with me. It’s a foriegn but fantastic feeling. Like, maybe I will be okay.
Maybe.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL
I’m at a loss for words, and it’s kind of killing me.
I want to hurt someone. I’ve semi-moved past the sadness stage and now I’m kind of angry. Pretty angry, sometimes.
It’s always very disappointing when people turn out to be different than who you thought they were/who they presented themselves to be.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I wake up every morning and within five to ten minutes, dash to the bathroom and vomit. Dry heave. Choke. Mostly bile. Often bloody. If I didn’t know better, and I do, I would be inclined to think that I was pregnant. That’s not what’s making me feel this way.
I’m not sure how to describe how I feel. I can point out at minimum three or four solid emotions, but they’re so blended together most of the time that it is difficult to distinguish them and act accordingly. I suppose what is bothering me the most at this moment is that I know what’s going to happen to me. I don’t want it to, but I don’t know how to stop it. My entire life, I’ve been fucked over. I’ve been used and abused and sucked dry. True, I allow people to do this to me, but only to an extent. Friends, lovers, whatever, have all taken extreme advantage of me. I built walls. I built them high, and I built them thick. Because I was tired of it. I was tired of the mistreatment and the pain and the constant ache of it all. My dad told me to stop searching and just let things happen. I relaxed my grip and before I knew it, there He was. He fell into my lap when I least expected it, and I let go. I let it happen. It took a little time, but I did. I allowed him to take a sledgehammer to my walls and I let him come in. I destroyed myself with how much I loved him. I grew accustomed to his presence, both within and outside of me. He is the first person I can truly say I have ever been inlove with. And I let it happen so much that it consumed me. In negative and positive ways (I often fear more negative than positive). What bothers me, right this second, and the more I think about it, is that He left. He came in and hung out for a while, but then he turned around, covered in dust and remnants, dragging that hammer behind him, and he left. You know what I did? You know what I’m doing? I’m rebuilding. The wall is going back up, going up higher and going up thicker. I’m guarding myself because it may be the only thing I know how to do to go on. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to block myself off again. I don’t want to cut myself off from the world. I’m tired of being pessimistic and cold. I want the be the me I was when He came in. He came in and dusted away the cobwebs. He turned the furniture right side up. He made it comfortable. He made it liveable. He made it bearable. But I don’t know how to be that me without him. That both disturbs and terrifies me. The entire situation devestates me. I feel like I’m building this huge wall but the mortar is my love for He, and that’s just a bigger problem.
Since we’re discussing problems, I have a new one. I wasn’t sure it was actually going to develop, but it has. I miss He physically. There’s two sides to this, and one has been somewhat ongoing. I miss touching him. I miss running my fingers through his hair. I miss hugging him. I miss the smell of him. God, how I miss his smell. I miss kissing him. I miss laying next to him. I miss hearing him breathe. I miss looking at him. I miss his presence. His aura. The feeling of him when we’re in the same room. I miss the way he tastes. I miss his warmth. I miss the way he laughs, especially when he finds something very funny. I miss the crook of his neck and the comfort I always found there. I miss all the things I used to get irritated at him for. I miss him clipping his nails in bed. I miss him leaving garbage everywhere. I miss open cubbards. I miss unmade beds. I miss leg pillows. I miss the way he would cut away at the “dead” skin around his fingertips. I miss his shit-talking on COD with the bros. I miss rubbing his back. I miss his cold feet and foot tacos. This list could go on for days, and god…I miss him. It feels like someone reached into my chest and took something out of it. It’s a dull, hollow ache that pulls at me every time I see or hear or taste or do or anything that reminds me of him or makes me think of him. And everything does. Everything. But there is a new side to this. I should have known it was going to come up, but I was really hoping that it wouldn’t. I miss He sexually. And not just because it was quality (GOOD FUCK [pardon the pun]). I’m not sure I can describe it. I miss the hunger. The passion. The closeness. I miss the fire. I miss feeling his desire for me. I miss clenched fists and piercing fingertips. I miss feeling him love me. I could go into detail, and I really want to, but I’m not sure I really should. What I will say is that I regret not doing more. I trust that He will know what that means.
I guess I’m going back to work soon. My dad thinks it’s going to make things a whole lot better for me, but I’m not entirely sure. I guess we’ll see how things go. Either way, I don’t have a choice. I need money, and badly, because at the rate I’m going, I don’t even have a place to live at school this semester. Just another wonderful experience to top off this fantastic summer.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I’m tired of feeling the way I feel. I’m tired of questioning myself. I don’t want to feel so terrible all the time. I don’t want to diminish myself constantly. Truth? I don’t have closure. That’s the problem. I don’t know if would help, and that presents another problem. More questions. More doubt. I wish I could shut off my brain. I want to be able to sleep at night. But I sleep next to a ghost.
He won’t stop haunting me.
Do I want him to?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, Ramble, Rant, Why why why?
What I love more than already being in a piss-poor mood is essentially being stood up by friends when they know I want to go do something. Yeah yeah, I’m going to rant and whine and whatever. Fucking sue me. I think I’m not completely unreasonable for being pissed off that my “best friend” basically dropped off the face of the planet just because her boyfriend came into town. After we had already talked about doing something tonight – including him. It’s bad enough that I really don’t WANT to leave the house, but once I finally find a decent mood and want to go out and do something at least so that I’m not so fucking alone, everyone seems to be too busy doing something else. I’m just tired of it. All it does is make me feel even more alone and abandoned, and all I can think is that if I were still with He I wouldn’t be having this problem. Which in turn makes it that much worse because then I remember how sad I am about him and how irate I am toward him. Now the rant takes a turn.
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out” is the most fucked up thing I’ve heard him say for quite some time. Really? REALLY? Like, I’m sorry that I took four years from you and now that it’s over I don’t really seem to give a fuck at all and oh, I will be sad, but my emotions are so fucking retarded that I have to wait until you start to get over it before I can break down about it? Like, those things? And honestly, I don’t think I should be mad at him, but I’m bitter, because the way the situation has turned out, I’m just feeling like he didn’t want me and then I dive into this disgusting pool of self-deprication that just makes everything worse. I honestly don’t even really know how to feel anymore. I decided talking to him was not a good idea so I’m working on not doing that, but it’s hard because he is my best friend and I’m lonely. I feel like a part of me is gone forever and I haven’t figured out how to operate the same without that part. And I suppose that’s the thing; I have to learn how to operate in a new way, but that’s hard and I don’t want to.
I want to know why you can’t be sad until I start to be happy.
I want to know why you don’t want me.
I want to know if you know how much emotion you took from me, and if that means anything to you.
I want to hug you and kiss you and have you be mine again.
I want to feel like someone is there for me whenever. You took that from me.
I want to feel okay about myself instead of feeling completely inadequate.
I want to be happy.
I constantly feel like there is a huge pressing weight on my chest. Most days it is pretty difficult to breathe, let alone get out of bed (err…off the couch), and I guess that’s why I’m so pissed of that none of my “friends” seem to realize that it’s a big deal that I actually want to do anything.
I want to just cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie with you. I miss that.
I miss you.
I don’t want to play anymore.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?
I’m really not in a good mood. It seems that is the case more often than not, and that in itself is pissing me off. Guh. I’m feeling all teenage-angsty I guess and it’s not cool. I need to just get over it but I’m so damned bitter.
Hold your breath.
It’s to the point again where I have so much to say, or at least so much to bitch about, and I either don’t have the words or the energy to say (type) it all. That’s pretty fucking ridiculous, but there it is.
I just want a best friend. Everyone around me has this great friendship where they’re totally tight with someone, and I don’t have that. Well, I do, but we’re going to break up very soon, and then we probably aren’t going to be around each other all that much.
Stoked.
I just want to cry a lot or just fucking destroy something/someone.
I’m leaning more toward the latter.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not doing too well, and as much as I like to put off dealing with or acknowledging that fact, it’s beginning to become prevalent and insistent. I don’t know what I need to do to be happy, and as much as I’m bitching about change lately and how much I don’t want it, I think I do. I constantly feel like something needs to happen. Something needs to change. To be different. I feel like my life is in some sort of rut of mediocrity and I am so beyond tired of it that I don’t know what to do. I am aware that I need to take control of things and make something happen if I want them to change, but at some point I just don’t know how to do it. Or I just don’t have the energy. I’m lost.
Every time I think about He, I want to burst into tears. I want to cry until the hollow ache in my chest goes away, until the feeling of dread dissipates. But it’s not going to. He treats our imminent breakup as though it isn’t something important, as though it doesn’t need to be talked about or thought about. Perhaps in a way he’s right. But I’m right too. I’ve got a lot of emotion invested in him and his behavior upsets me. This is not petty to me. He is frequently doing things that really shouldn’t bother me, but they are, and it’s breaking me down. Specifically his nonchalant attitude toward me and his hanging out with his female friends in date-like situations. He does things with his girl friends that he doesn’t do with me. In fact, we never do anything. We’ve done a few things lately, but the more time passes the more it just feels to me like we’re just good friends who have sex. Honestly, and I try very hard not to feel this way because I want to believe it isn’t the truth, I feel like he’s less interested in me than he is in the fact that he can have sex with me. I know that’s really harsh, but that’s sort of how it feels. Everything is sexual. When we hang out I hear more about my tits or my ass than I do about anything else about me. It’s nice, I suppose, but I’ve spent a very long time needing more than that and he knows it. I guess I’m just insecure and jealous and whatever, and that’s why I get so upset about these little things, but it’s that much worse when it’s things he knows bothers me and he does nothing to avoid them or not do them. I think maybe I’m off-base here, but that’s just how it feels to me. I’m so torn up about the whole retarded situation and I just want it to be different. Or easy. Or good. Something other than what it is at the moment. I guess I just wanted it to be perfect before it was over.
I’m constantly feeling inadequate physically. I am not comfortable, I guess, with how I look, and I’m not entirely sure how to go about doing something about it. As soon as I get back to school, I’ll pack on the weight again, even if I lose some this summer. I don’t think I’m fat. But I have a really hard time when everyone around me is thin and whatever. It’s the ideal that’s killing me.
I hung out with my mom today and kind of realized why I don’t like to. Don’t get me wrong, she’s my mother and I love her. I just don’t need the guilt trips and the snide comments and all the bullshit she dumps on me. I have no room in my life for people who are going to treat me that way. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes in the past, but I’m not constantly rubbing her face in hers. I wish she’d grow up and get over her shit because I’m tired of hearing it. Harsh, but true. I don’t need it. Period.
I think I’m going to start looking for a different job. I was thinking about it a lot today and the gas station is sucking the fucking life out of me. I don’t get paid enough for that.
I guess that’s it for now. I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I just want to feel like everything is going to be okay. Or at least have a few hours of not thinking about any of it. I just need a damn break.
You’re too young to be this empty, girl.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Why why why?
I am still exhausted.
I’m trying to figure out why it is that every summer I keep going back to the gas station for work. I know it’s because I know I can get a job there no matter what. I know it’s because I don’t have time to look for another, better job and I don’t have time to waste because I need money. But the way things are going, those really aren’t good enough reasons for me. I seriously need a better job because I’m getting really tired of being just about the only person in that place that gives a fuck about actually working. I generally do about 85% of the work and I’m tired of it. Plus, my feet hurt. A lot. But that’s because I need new shoes. Oh. And I need new pants, because the only pair that I have that fit me have holes in the crotch. Why can’t I just win the lottery? I can’t even comprehend how much money 192 million IS.
Ugh. That’s all. I’m getting really anxious about my dad’s fiance and her daughters coming, too. That’s coming up fast. I don’t even have a bedroom. Good god…ugh.
That’s all for now. I don’t really just want to go off on some sort of “pity me” rant so I’m done.
One week. One week until I get to go home. I don’t know why I’m so excited about it aside from the fact that I won’t have school on top of everything else I worry about.
I don’t know what I’m going home to. Oh, that’s right. A new life. Again. A new “mom.” Two little sisters. A house that’s too small for all of us. No car. No job. Very few friends. A breakup. I’m not looking forward to any of it, and yet at the same time, I am. I can’t get anything straight in my mind, and I’m anxious and terrified and excited and underneath it all, I’m miserable.
I’m not really sure how I feel most of the time, but I do know that I am not happy. I am not a happy person. I have not been happy for months. I put on my front, so I don’t walk around like a super-depressed suicidal emo kid (which isn’t really how I feel anyway, it’s just a nice way to put a visual out there), but I still feel…hollow. I don’t feel like I have anything to look forward to, despite knowing that I have a lot to look forward to. There’s so much positive and I can’t seem to grab on.
I don’t like change. And everyfuckingthing is changing.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?
Sometimes I find myself feeling violently irate. As in I just want to scream at someone at the top of my lungs. I want to obliterate someone with words, just so I can feel better, or less angry. I’m just so fucking pissed off, and I cannot for the life of me discern why. I’ve been thinking about it, and I really can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just a compilation of a whole mess of things that have been bothering me, and they’ve finally built up to the point that I want to rage. I’m going to say that’s probably it, just because I can’t think of anything else. Maybe I should just rant. Maybe I will.
If it’s not one physical ailment or issue, it’s another. First, I was sick. Nasty, don’t want to get out of bed but I HAVE to go to class and oh god, now I want to die sick. When I got over that, I got a fucking sty. A STY. What a goddamn pain in the ass. It was unpleasant, and I had to put this goopy, greasy medication in it that made it difficult to see. Then, finally, that goes away, and what do you know? Hello, yeast infection! I’m so glad you decided to have a little party in my vagina without my consent. Not only is this uncomfortable and disgusting, but it disables my sexual pursuits, which in its own right is enough to piss me off. So, thank you, body, for being a fucking dicksack, and constantly bombarding me with ridiculous and irritating symptoms rather than just taking a day off and letting me be healthy.
Fucking money is the most bullshit thing on the planet. Even more bullshit than money is the tendency of institutions to charge absolutely absurd amounts of it for most commodities. Someone, please, tell me why the FUCK I am paying for an education. Explain to me, please, why I am paying thousands of dollars for less than adequate food and housing, and why I am forced to pay for health insurance via the university that covers NOTHING. The whole system is fucked, sincerely, and I would love for someone to demonstrate otherwise. Really. Please, please enlighten me. If you can refute the fact that the vast majority of the money I dump into this institution goes to athletics, you will have my interest, at least. But you CAN’T. FUCK. I’m just really, really tired of throwing away money. Yeah, yeah, I know. Welcome to being an adult, and all that bullshit. And that’s exactly what: BULLSHIT.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING in this relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love He. I really, really do. I find him incredibly attractive. He is intelligent, humorous, and I sincerely enjoy spending time with him. I have a very difficult time with the idea that I’m wasting my time with him, because as much as I don’t think I am, or don’t feel that I am, a part of me keeps insisting that, in all reality, that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s basically a long and (mostly) enjoyable road that leads indefinitely to nowhere. So why the goddamn fuck am I so floored? There are so many aspects of the relationship that are so fucked, also, and I just keep smiling because I like being around him. What the fuck is wrong with me? And talking to him about this is virtually impossible, because I’m just an over-emotional psychotic bitch that doesn’t listen to reason and can’t validate any of my points. Yeah, I think that’s just about how it goes. I try to argue my point (because it does always end up being an argument), and I’m wrong. Why? Because he said so. Unless I’m being cute, and then he’s just a whole lot nicer while still inferring that I’m wrong or by ignoring the point completely. Everything I feel is like a fire to He, I think. Most of the time he just dances around it, but sometimes he throws in a log or two. I don’t think it’s ever occurred to him that maybe he would get burned less if he attempted to help in putting it out. FUCK.
That’s all I got. All I want to do is bitch. A lot. I feel like I suck it up all the time because people want me to be nice, and cool, and collected. Relaxed and whatnot. I would be if I could just be myself without being told that I’m fucking crazy and needy. That’s basically all I hear, from just about everyone I know, and more specifically the people I care very much about (with a few exclusions). Fuck that. Fuck this. At some point I need to just get a fucking grip and be secure enough in myself to not give a shit what people think. But at this point, I do, and I’m fucking tired of them disliking me or things about me simple because they’re things that aren’t fucking sunshine and rainbows all the time.
I’m so over this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Why why why?
Today was a pretty fucking rough day. College is raping me. I don’t mean that in the sense that it’s hard. I don’t mean that in the sense that it costs a lot. I mean that in the sense that I came to college with a passion, with drive, and college is forcefully taking that away from me without my consent.
I just feel fed up. Pretty much with everything. I’m becoming more and more irritated at Spooner because he’s right. I’m fucking crazy and needy. Emphasis on the crazy. Or maybe on the needy. Either way, I’m not 100% self-sustaining, and lately, making everything seem okay isn’t as easy as I’m used to it being. That’s what I get for letting down the walls. I’m fucking loney, as hokey as that sounds, and it’s difficult. Inexplicable, and difficult.
I want my sister to come and see me just as badly as she says she needs to. I need a breath of fresh air.
I’m frustrated with my relationship. It’s good, for the most part, at least a lot better than it was for quite a while, and it has maintained that goodness. I’m frustrated sexually, and not in a good way. Blugh, I don’t even want to deal with it. There’s nothing I can really do about it, and that makes it even more frustrating.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don’t even know.
Filed under: Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, Well shit
Jesus Christ, it’s been a rough week. I’m a goddamned rollercoaster of apathy and depression, but I still managed to get all my homework taken care of, and I’m not bawling all the time or anything, so, yay?
I’ve decided i’m going to start working out, with or without He. I keep telling him that we need to go, and he just tells me he knows, but never does anything about it. I asked him to figure out what times would work throughout the week for him, and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t done that. I’m tired of waiting around, so I need to just get over myself and go to the gym alone. So I’m going to. At very least 3 times a week. My goal is to be around 130 by the time school gets out, which is a very generous goal, but I’m trying not to set my standards too high. Plus, I’m going to have to account for muscle gain. I don’t really necessarily care how much I weigh so long as it’s muscle and not fat. Which is why I really need to go work out, and am going to.
I finished my story for Fiction class last night, and it’s utterly depressing and morbid, but I feel pretty proud of it. I’ve got to start studying my ass off for Sociology, though. I kept thinking how easy that class was, and then we got the study guide for the exam coming up, and Jesusfuck, the prof isn’t messing around. I’m probably giong to get raped on it, but I’ll do my best, ya know?
Anyway. It’s IWeek, so I can’t spend any time with He. I get to see him when I go to eat and whatnot, but it sucks because I can’t sit with him or anything. Oh well.
I guess that’s all I’ve really got for right now. I’m trying to stay upbeat despite feeling absolutely miserable and pathetic. Ugh.
I’m not entirely sure why I am posting. I don’t have anything to say, or at least it seems. It feels like I have a multitude of thoughts and emotions writhing about, but I am not sure that I have the ability to convert them from such into words.
I am in no way ready for the real world. Sure, I’m already exposed to it, but I’m realizing more and more that I don’t know anything about a lot of things that I should know about. Financial things, living things, bill-type things. All the things I’m going to need to know about and be responsible for, I’m totally ignorant about. And I don’t know how I feel about it. The less I think about it, the better it is. But I’m sitting here, thinking about it right now, and I just feel…ambivalent.
Somebody give me a topic to write a 12-20 page fiction story about, because it’s due in roughy 2 weeks and I have jack shit. My creativity is stifled by my imagination.
I have fucking nothing to say, and that’s just making things worse. Jesus Christ.
