Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
This odd mixture of emotions is getting the better of me, and sometimes it feels as though the only way to go on living with even the most minute type of normalcy is to completely ostracize myself. It’s like the only way I can do okay or be okay is to limit my interaction with the rest of the social world. Which is odd in itself, as I’m craving company. I’m stuck in a horrific conundrum, and I don’t want to play anymore.
I have so much to do, and I don’t feel like I have the time to do it. I have obligations and constraints, and there simply is not enough time in the day without my running myself completely ragged. Break cannot come soon enough. And even then, I have to try to get a lot of work done during the break as well. Huzzah.
Things have started to happen, also, that bother me. I’m not upset, I’m not mad, I’m just…irritated. I feel like I’m struggling to empty my already overflowing plate, and shit just keeps being shovelled onto it. Please, please, leave me alone! I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I feel like I’ve been doing okay lately, you know, being responsible and whatnot, and getting things taken care of, but that’s academically. Once academics and my life start raping me up the ass, I start to get a little flustered. And a little flustered can easily turn into a lot flustered.
I just want to go home. I want to be done with some of the shit I am in the middle of (fortunately, some of it will be out of the way before the week is up) and get on with it. I want to get on with it.
I found me again. It’s odd, because due to the situation, I’m not all that happy. But I am happy. I’m that girl who I used to be, but better. I’m bright. I laugh. I radiate. And it’s so much better than how I used to be. And my first thought when I realized this was that it’s too bad that He isn’t around to experience it, and isn’t interested anyway.
Because I’m the type of girl he’d fall in love with. All over again.
Mostly, I’m just checked out on the shit that doesn’t matter. The small stuff doesn’t even roll off, because I don’t let it touch me. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to freak the fuck out about things that are inconsequential or out of my control.
I’m better now. I wish the people I want and need to see that actually would.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
To the few of you that have proven to me the things I have doubted, thank you.
I finally have experienced the painful and difficult realization that my behavior has got to stop. There are serious and terrifying consequences to what I have been doing, and I should avoid them rather than just hope for the best. I’m going to stop drinking and partying so much. And if I do happen to partake in either, I’m going to make sure it’s not in an environment that can get out of control. I don’t know what the hell I have been thinking, and I’m not sure that the way I have been feeling is a valid enough reason for the endeavors I have participated in. I used to pride myself on the fact that I hadn’t had sex with many people. Now I look back on the last couple of months and feel complete disgust and disappointment at what I’ve allowed myself to become. I have said it before, and this time I am going to prove it. That is not the girl I am, nor is it the girl I want to be. My rapid transformation into that girl is coming to and end. Now.
I don’t know how it happened, but I feel less pressure. I still have intense and overpowering feelings for He, but they’re not running my life. I can have a conversation with him without breaking down. Granted, I still want to; it eats at the back of my brain, but I don’t do it. I can control myself. A part of me is really happy about that, because I think that is going to enable me to do better in regards to healing. Another part isn’t so sure it’s what I really want to do. But at this point, what choice do I have? I love someone I cannot have, that does not want me, and the only thing to do is move past it, I suppose. Some shit about better to have loved and lost…
I am seriously resolute this time. I keep destroying myself because of the things I’ve been doing, and yet I continue to do them. I’m done. I’m tired of feeling the ways that I feel, I’m tired of putting myself in situations I deplore, I’m tired of all of it. And I keep doing it to myself. So why not just stop? It’s been brought to my attention that perhaps I need support. I’ve been yearning for that. I am inclined to think I need to do it by myself, to show myself that I don’t need someone else, that I can do it on my own, that I’m self-sustaining. But at the same time, I do see how having people who are cheering me on is only going to make the process easier. You know, positive reinforcement.
He is my best friend. It’s complicated, it’s messy, there’s still a lot of loose ends. But I appreciate his friendship, and I’m trying to limit it to just that. I very much want to keep him in my life. We’ll see how it goes.
quarterlife has touched me very deeply by proving to me that some people really do give a fuck, no matter what. It’s been shown to me before, but it is indescribably moving to me coming from her, especially considering all the bullshit we’ve gone through.
Again, to these few people, especially the two mentioned: thank you. I’m not going to let you down this time.
I’m not going to let me down.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Inspired, My heart hurts, Well shit, Yays!
Today was a good day.
Aside from feeling like shit about what I’ve been doing.
Which I’m not doing anymore. Day one: success.
I even got quite a bit accomplished in terms of homework. So, I’m pretty content with that.
There was a little rough spot, but it was just a twinge of sadness in response to the email from He’s mom. It’s nice to talk to her. She’s a little crazy, but I love her, and I miss her a lot. I miss all of it a lot. So, that was a hill to get over, but I did.
I’m looking into counceling. Thinking maybe I’ll find some time to make myself better. I’m not going to get over He, and I’m not sure that’s the goal I need to set. I think I need to concentrate on fucking taking care of myself before I set any epic goals. I’m getting this shit figured out. Day one, but I’m making progress. Baby steps.
The first step to getting over a problem is admitting you have one. Uh, epic check.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Inspired, My heart hurts, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I just realized something today.
I’m going to be okay. I am okay.
Things change. People change. Situations change. And I’m going to make it work for me.
It’s hard, and I’m sure I will have regressions (is that a word?), but I’m honestly done.
I’m going to move on with my life, and I’m going to make it fantastic.
I’m a fucking senior, and I am going to make this year kick ASS.
Like, melt your face off.
I care about He. I always will.
But I’m not going to let it eat at me anymore.
He did what he did, he does what he does, and all I can hope for is that he is happy.
It’s not my business and not my problem, and I shouldn’t let it affect me.
SOoooooo…
here’s to making life all it can be.
I’m sticking to it this time, I swear.
I hope.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Inspired, Oh NOES, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Work in progress.
Tear my heart out through my chest
through my breast. Exhume me.
That’s all I’ve got for now. It came to me. I’m going to sleep for days now.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Inspired, Ramble
Things for the past week or so have just been getting better and better. There’s been shitty spots, yea, but it just seems like everything is working out.
I finally figured out what the hell was going on with my Financial aid, so I got a good chunk of money (not as much as I’m used to getting, but I’m not going to complain!) and was able to buy my books (at least the ones the bookstore wasn’t out of)and get some things I needed personally. I also bought a 3-in-1 printer/copier/scanner from Walmart yesterday because it was only 65 dollars, which was a hell of a deal. I’m doing really well in my classes thus far (yea yea, it is only the second week of school, but YOU take three English classes two days a week one day apart and you tell me how well you handle the homework), and I don’t feel very stressed or anything. At Walmart yesterday I also bought a cable to hook my computer up to the internet (I want to kiss quarterlife; I’m so happy I have a computer), and I’m stoked to be able to to homework and shit in my own room (I hate the computer lab). He and I have been getting along wonderfully; it just feels natural and wonderful and fun. AND my dad just called me to let me know that he’s not going to cancel the insurance on my car (which would have made my rates go up when I got another car and wanted insurance again), but that he’s going to pay to keep me on his insurance. Also, I feel like I’m making actual friendships this year, which is really exciting. There are people in every class that I have that I can talk to and/or hang out with, and that’s incredibly nice. AND – and this is the most wonderful thing of all – my dad is coming up for Dad’s Weekend! I’m so fucking excited about that because for the last two years that I’ve been here he hasn’t been able to come, and it really bummed me out. I just feel stupidly happy at the moment, and I’m not sure when it’s going to be ruined or when it’s going to wear thin, but I don’t care. It’s wonderful, and I’m going to enjoy it because it’s so fucking fantastic that I can hardly bear it.
On a shitty note, though, Poser called me this morning to tell me that one of our friends is going to jail, and that entire situation (which I am not going to disclose in detail) is so fucked up and unneccesary that I want to punch someone in the face.
Also, I just bought Katy Perry’s CD on Amazon and I am fucking STOKED to get it.
Yays?
Last night, B-Rex totally flipped the “turn Holly on” switch, and I have been that much more frustrated sexually since. I just want to throw that out there.
I saw Gunner today, and was totally excited about it because it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen him, and I missed him terribly. So that was awesome.
I have this whole weekend off. Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. I’m fucking STOKED. Minus the fact that I have to go to a funeral tomorrow. I don’t really want to get into that.
I need a good dicking. Seriously. FUCK.
I feel so damned good about everything right now, and I don’t really know why. And even more bizarre is the fact that I’m not bothering to question it (though that seems contradictory to the previous statement). I’m just enjoying this. It’s been a while since I felt genuinely okay about everything. But when I got out of bed this morning, I felt good. I should have been damned tired considering my lack of sleep lately, but I wasn’t. I should have been grumpy because I didn’t want to go to work, but I wasn’t. Everything today has just felt GOOD, and I’m loving it.
Now someone put the cherry on my fucking blissful sundae and have sex with me.
Filed under: Friendship?, I think too much, I'm crazy, Inspired, Meh, Oh NOES, Well shit
My dad poked his head into my room and asked me how I was doing. I told him to come in and sit down. When he did this, I immediately hugged him and the tears came. I bawled like a little girl to my daddy and he let me. He also said a lot of things that really bothered me, but I suppose maybe on some subconscious level I agree with him. But I got some of it out. I finally broke down just a little, and for at least one brief shining moment, I felt incredibly relieved. Now I just have to work on living my life instead of neglecting it.
I spent two and a half years in a relationship with a truly remarkable human being. I experienced many firsts with him, and a part of me will always be his. I will always love him. But I have to move on. I have to let go. As much as it terrifies me and as much as it hurts, I can’t spend the rest of my life wallowing in self-pity and wishing that loving him was enough. This isn’t the first time my heart has been wounded, and it won’t be the last. So why have I been acting like such a child, throwing a fit because it didn’t go the way I wanted it to? It’s going to be a difficult process, but I’m ready to take back the girl I used to be. The strong, independent, rough-and-tumble girl that doesn’t take shit from anyone. I’m ready to be fearless again. I liked that girl.
As for Spooner, well, shit. My brain has taken quite a few joy rides and I’ve caused a lot more bullshit in my own mind than completely necessary. And for some reason, he’s put up with it. Which is awesome. What it comes down to in the long run is that depsite all the ricockulous shit my mind tries to convince me of, all I really want is to be his friend. I want to hang out with him and not get stupidly drunk and make an ass of myself. I just want to go play some Rock Band, really. And, you know, if the situation arises, I wouldn’t be totally opposed to making out with him. But whatever. Poser says I should just have sex with him and get it out of the way, and I laughed because I had that thought the other day. I think it might be a pretty bad plan. Regardless, I’m ready to stop being a fucking psycho, because all I’m doing is making things much more difficult for myself. And that’s not helping my friendships.
So. I’m going to grow up now.
Filed under: Inspired
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever Gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of Circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of Chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
- William Ernest Henley
