Filed under: Fuck, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, PISSED, WTF?, Well shit
You make me scream.
On the inside.
I have so much that I just stuff down, because I know it’s old. It’s tired. It’s worn out, and no one wants to hear it anymore. But fuck it.
I STILL LOVE YOU. It’s not going away. You can fuck her all you want. She can make stupid comments on your Facebook. You can have a crush on her and want to date her. It doesn’t change the ferocity with which I love you. Period. I do everything I can to make it go away. I stuff it down. I ignore it. I stifle it the best I can.
Get out of me. Go away. I can’t do this anymore. And it’s your fucking fault.
I’m so tired. I’m. So. Tired.
Fuck this noise. I’m out.
Edit: this reads really, really rude and bitter. I can’t deny some bitterness, but I guarantee, text skews intent. Period. I don’t mean to be a bitch, or to be instigative or whatnot. I’m just expressing myself. And sometimes the interwebs are not the best medium. But I don’t have a lot of options. My apologies to anyone offended. Get at me and I will clarify.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, SEXXX, Why why why?
What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Doing.
I need to knock this shit off, and pronto.
Apparently, I don’t have the willpower I seem to think I have. God. Damn it.
This is coming to an end. I need to stop drinking, period.
I have better things to do.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Okay, so maybe I’m a goddamned liar. Maybe I just get far too optimistic sometimes. Maybe, just maybe, I really don’t handle being lonley very well. I truly want to believe that I am okay without He up here, and that would be a whole lot easier if I could keep myself occupied. Because it’s turning into an issue. It’s not just missing him. It’s not just feeling like something about being up here is off, missing, incomplete. It’s not just being kind of sad that we’re broken up and everything – everything – is different. It’s that I start thinking back, back to when we broke up, and I start getting sad/hurt/angry again. I go out of my way not to call He and ask him why the fuck he replaced me. And then I have to battle with myself in order to convince myself that he didn’t replace me, no matter what it feels like. Just because there is absolutely no other way I can feel about the situation doesn’t mean that that’s how it is. And mostly, I’m just fucking irate because I swear to JESUS I thought I was over this horseshit. So, in a nutshell, I am trying really hard to just not think about anything pertaining to He at all. Which is difficult. But I’m doing my best, and it’s going to get better. It’s going to get better. I refuse to allow this shit to happen again.
So. I’m not entirely sure that any of that made sense or even came out the way I wanted it to, but I had to fucking vomit it out somewhere, because I’m having a difficult time this morning. I know there’s going to be a problem when I go to bed in a decent mood and wake up feeling much less than 100%. I feel like some part of me had a super delayed reaction and is just now going through the grieving process. Which really isn’t cool. I’m exhausted with being sad at all, about anything. Especially anything regarding He.
I find myself stifling bitterness.
I’m going to go ahead and say this, and in some brevity, because I really need to go to bed.
I do not, nor will I ever appreciate people saying fucked up things about me or making assumptions about me without actual knowledge or information. It is hurtful and childish and completely unnecessary. At this point it just blows my fucking mind that this is even an issue.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Well shit
I was doing so well. I was doing so fucking well. And then there He comes, up like a creature from the deep in my pool of misery, and yanks me back in. Holds me under until that oxygen I was so loving and needing is completely gone from my lungs.
I literally JUST rectified that situation. He texted me multiple times today and I ignored him, because I don’t need him. I don’t need to talk to him, I don’t need to see him, I just…I don’t NEED him. So finally, I asked him to leave me alone. Then he calls me and insists on stopping by my work so we can “talk” when I got off. I reluctantly agreed. Therefore, I guess it’s kind of my fault that I started drowning. Again.
So He calls me at around 6ish and I didn’t hear the call because I was too busy going apeshit cleaning the house to distract myself from the situation. I listen to the voicemail and though it kind of tugged on the heartstrings a bit, decide not to respond. We just got off the phone again because I had a fucking breakdown, I guess. Jesus Christ.
Now I’m swimming back toward the surface. Toward the shore.
No more creatures from the deep to keep me down. I hope.
All I really, really, REALLY want, is to cuddle up with someone for a few hours. I want to feel someone’s heart beating against me. I want that warmth of two bodies pressed together. I just want to feel warm. That kind of warm.
*le sigh*
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, My heart hurts, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
I kept telling myself that it would never come to this, but it has.
I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like I wasted my emotion.
I feel like I was wasted.
I’ve avoided talking to He, gone out of my way not to contact him in any way. I haven’t been on the computer lately, so it’s been hard for me to know what’s going on with him. But damned if I don’t get on the computer and look at all his shit, and then I find myself spiralling somewhere between blind rage and fathomless sadness. It’s a straight shot to my heart and He is twisting the blade. I had a dream the other night that woke me. I was bawling when I woke. This has never happened to me. I had to keep myself from clutching up my phone and sending him a text inquiring about his sex life. It just felt so real. It seemed like something I had just found out as opposed to a dream. And I guess it doesn’t matter anyway because it’s none of my business and I’m not a part of his life anymore.
Perhaps that’s what’s really getting to me right now.
I am so, so glad that he’s happy. But at the same time, it makes me want to hurt him in disgusting and inhumane ways. It still hurts me that he is capable of just carrying on with his life as though he doesn’t care. It still hurts me that people I thought were my friends are supporting him and have stopped talking to me all together. And I guess what hurts me the most is the fact that I have no reason to not feel like he’s already over me. Fiery jealousy courses through me at the mere thought of him with another girl. And I know he hangs out with a lot of girls, all the time. And I get the feeling he’s not the same person he was when I was with him, which makes me feel like I was stifiling him. Really, truthfully, I’m just so fucking hurt that I just want to be mean. And for the sake of myself and the fact that I haven’t been dealing with any of this as opposed to just ignoring it, I’m going to. I’m going to say a lot of really mean, hurtful things that I probably shouldn’t, and I guess at this point I don’t really care.
Doesn’t seem like he does.
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for taking four years of my life and leaving me with nothing. Not even the satisfaction of knowing that it bothers you that we’re no longer together. Fuck you for telling me that you liked being with me when you obviously didn’t. Fuck you for making me believe that you were in love with me when I’m not entirely sure you even know what that is. Fuck you so fucking much for taking my fucking heart. Fuck you most, I think, for hurting me when you swore to me that you wouldn’t. Fuck you for always making me feel like everything was my fault. Fuck you for always making me feel like there was something wrong with me and the way I operate. Fuck you for making me insecure because you couldn’t defend me in front of your friends. Fuck you for having really shitty priorities and always always always putting video games before me. Fuck you for neglecting me in all the ways I told you I needed you not to. Fuck you for not being there for me when I was always there for you. Fuck you for taking so fucking much from me and leaving me with this. I hope you rot in hell, you selfish son of a bitch. I hope someone does to you what you’ve done to me. I hope someday you understand this kind of pain and I hope you look back and realize what good there was in me and in being with me. I hope that someday you fall madly in love with someone. I hope you spend years with her. I hope she drops your ass like a sack of shit, abandons you, moves on with her life, and acts as though you never meant shit to her. I hope you feel the way I feel at least once in your life. And I hope it fucking kills you.
Now, I can’t honestly say that I didn’t mean any of that. There are select few points in there that I do sincerely mean. However, they are taken slightly out of context and phrased very poorly. I apologize. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this much…bitterness…resentment…hatred toward anyone in a very long time. And I can’t help it. I try to talk myself down, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt (I know He is a good guy, it’s just my incapability to deal with the seperation, right?), and then at some point I can’t fucking handle it. I become so painfully lonely and miserable that I can’t handle it anymore and it mutates into some sick, heartless rage. Like at this point I’m not sure if I ever want to be friends with him. He was my best and pretty much only friend for a very long time, and it’s very difficult to adjust to that loss. For me, at least. He meant more to me than anyone ever has outside of family and I feel like I got royally fucked. I’m pretty much just pissed off. And mostly at him. I don’t know if it’s fair (it’s not), and I know it’s not nice. But there it is.
How dare you.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, PISSED, WTF?
I always thought I was stronger than this.
Where are my friends? Oh, that’s right. They were He’s friends first. So he gets to run around and be happy and go to parties and Lava and have fun and check out other girls and be totally fine. Fuck you people.
It’s not fair. I don’t care if I’m being whiny and babylike. It’s not fucking fair that I’m alone and he’s having the fucking time of his life.
When it hits you, I hope it hits you hard. I hope you are as miserable as I am now and then some. I hope the pain makes you want to die. Then maybe we can talk about being friends.
I’m so fucking pissed and bitter and I don’t entirely mean the things I’ve said here, but there is some degree of truth in them. At the moment, I think I can safely and honestly say that there hasn’t ever been another time in all the time I’ve known He that I have wanted this badly to hurt him in some way. This shit is just not right. I know that he’s got some retarded delay on his emotions. In the meantime, that makes it that much more difficult for me. And YIPPEE, I just get to suck it up because if I don’t I’m just being mean to him.
FOUR YEARS. FOUR FUCKING YEARS AND I WAS SO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU. I’m so, so glad to know how little that means.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
I’ve pretty much maxed out on how much I can handle.
I’m ready to fucking kill something, or someone. Whichever gets in my way first. I can’t wait to get the fuck out of school, away from these people.
It’s rage because I don’t want to deal with pain anymore. I’m just really sick of being fucked over. I’m sick of the fact that I’ve spent three years trying to develop meaningful friendships, and I have none. Okay, I’ve got one or two people outside of He, but those aren’t the people I’m talking about. I’m talking about the people I knew before I even fucking came up here for school, who now treat me like a fucking piece of shit. I’m done. It’s senior year all over again, and I don’t want to do it. But I guess I don’t have a fucking choice because people are SHITBAGS.
I can’t even really think coherently right now because I’m fucking livid. I literally want to hit something so hard that I break bones in my hand. I don’t care. I don’t fucking care anymore.
I’m over it. I’m so. Fucking. Over. This bullshit.
Filed under: Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’ve had a fucking awesome day. Want to hear about it? Good. I woke up with a fucking horrendous cough, which means I’m getting sick, out of the fucking blue. Great. I go to the mall with Housewife, hanging out pre-going to get my taxes done, and I buy a green tea from Starbucks. I then go to Pretzelmaker and get some Pretzel Bites, and as the guy is handing me the cheese sauce, I dump my pretzels everywhere. He gives me some more, I sit down and start to eat them, and take a drink of my tea, and proceed to burn the ever-living FUCK out of my mouth. Then, Housewife and I go to get my taxes done, and as it turns out, I OWE the IRS, thanks to my dad claiming me and the University giving me scholarships. WHY IN THE FUCK are scholarships taxable? That makes no goddamned sense to me. On top of that, it was somewhere around 90 dollars for the lady to do my taxes. Fortunately for me, she was a fucking amazing person, and didn’t charge me, and didn’t file my taxes. She suggested that because I’ve done it before, I could risk not reporting my scholarships, in which case I will just get my full refund. So. We’ll see about that.
I know it really wasn’t that bad, but today just feels like a huge clusterfuck of shitty. On top of everything, it’s STILL snowing, which does absolutely nothing to improve my mood. All I have, I guess, is that everything is just a goddamn joke, and tomorrow it will all be okay. I’m hoping that life’s just pulling one hell of an April Fool’s Day prank on me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?
Sometimes I find myself feeling violently irate. As in I just want to scream at someone at the top of my lungs. I want to obliterate someone with words, just so I can feel better, or less angry. I’m just so fucking pissed off, and I cannot for the life of me discern why. I’ve been thinking about it, and I really can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just a compilation of a whole mess of things that have been bothering me, and they’ve finally built up to the point that I want to rage. I’m going to say that’s probably it, just because I can’t think of anything else. Maybe I should just rant. Maybe I will.
If it’s not one physical ailment or issue, it’s another. First, I was sick. Nasty, don’t want to get out of bed but I HAVE to go to class and oh god, now I want to die sick. When I got over that, I got a fucking sty. A STY. What a goddamn pain in the ass. It was unpleasant, and I had to put this goopy, greasy medication in it that made it difficult to see. Then, finally, that goes away, and what do you know? Hello, yeast infection! I’m so glad you decided to have a little party in my vagina without my consent. Not only is this uncomfortable and disgusting, but it disables my sexual pursuits, which in its own right is enough to piss me off. So, thank you, body, for being a fucking dicksack, and constantly bombarding me with ridiculous and irritating symptoms rather than just taking a day off and letting me be healthy.
Fucking money is the most bullshit thing on the planet. Even more bullshit than money is the tendency of institutions to charge absolutely absurd amounts of it for most commodities. Someone, please, tell me why the FUCK I am paying for an education. Explain to me, please, why I am paying thousands of dollars for less than adequate food and housing, and why I am forced to pay for health insurance via the university that covers NOTHING. The whole system is fucked, sincerely, and I would love for someone to demonstrate otherwise. Really. Please, please enlighten me. If you can refute the fact that the vast majority of the money I dump into this institution goes to athletics, you will have my interest, at least. But you CAN’T. FUCK. I’m just really, really tired of throwing away money. Yeah, yeah, I know. Welcome to being an adult, and all that bullshit. And that’s exactly what: BULLSHIT.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING in this relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love He. I really, really do. I find him incredibly attractive. He is intelligent, humorous, and I sincerely enjoy spending time with him. I have a very difficult time with the idea that I’m wasting my time with him, because as much as I don’t think I am, or don’t feel that I am, a part of me keeps insisting that, in all reality, that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s basically a long and (mostly) enjoyable road that leads indefinitely to nowhere. So why the goddamn fuck am I so floored? There are so many aspects of the relationship that are so fucked, also, and I just keep smiling because I like being around him. What the fuck is wrong with me? And talking to him about this is virtually impossible, because I’m just an over-emotional psychotic bitch that doesn’t listen to reason and can’t validate any of my points. Yeah, I think that’s just about how it goes. I try to argue my point (because it does always end up being an argument), and I’m wrong. Why? Because he said so. Unless I’m being cute, and then he’s just a whole lot nicer while still inferring that I’m wrong or by ignoring the point completely. Everything I feel is like a fire to He, I think. Most of the time he just dances around it, but sometimes he throws in a log or two. I don’t think it’s ever occurred to him that maybe he would get burned less if he attempted to help in putting it out. FUCK.
That’s all I got. All I want to do is bitch. A lot. I feel like I suck it up all the time because people want me to be nice, and cool, and collected. Relaxed and whatnot. I would be if I could just be myself without being told that I’m fucking crazy and needy. That’s basically all I hear, from just about everyone I know, and more specifically the people I care very much about (with a few exclusions). Fuck that. Fuck this. At some point I need to just get a fucking grip and be secure enough in myself to not give a shit what people think. But at this point, I do, and I’m fucking tired of them disliking me or things about me simple because they’re things that aren’t fucking sunshine and rainbows all the time.
I’m so over this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Why why why?
Today was a pretty fucking rough day. College is raping me. I don’t mean that in the sense that it’s hard. I don’t mean that in the sense that it costs a lot. I mean that in the sense that I came to college with a passion, with drive, and college is forcefully taking that away from me without my consent.
I just feel fed up. Pretty much with everything. I’m becoming more and more irritated at Spooner because he’s right. I’m fucking crazy and needy. Emphasis on the crazy. Or maybe on the needy. Either way, I’m not 100% self-sustaining, and lately, making everything seem okay isn’t as easy as I’m used to it being. That’s what I get for letting down the walls. I’m fucking loney, as hokey as that sounds, and it’s difficult. Inexplicable, and difficult.
I want my sister to come and see me just as badly as she says she needs to. I need a breath of fresh air.
I’m frustrated with my relationship. It’s good, for the most part, at least a lot better than it was for quite a while, and it has maintained that goodness. I’m frustrated sexually, and not in a good way. Blugh, I don’t even want to deal with it. There’s nothing I can really do about it, and that makes it even more frustrating.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don’t even know.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, WTF?, Well shit
Fuck you. Fuck you, FUCK YOU.
I hate it when you act like a conniving, deceptive bitch. HATE IT.
Ugh. I’m so goddamned disgusted.
On a lighter note, my birthday is tomorrow. I’m not entirely sure I’m all that excited. I’m going to hit the bar tonight and have a celebratory drink or two. At the moment, I’m more excited about the things going on with my brother than I am about anything in my own life. So it goes.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, WTF?, Why why why?
There are times when I feel so completely fed up that I don’t even have the energy to want to be tactful.
But I’m going to be. Minus the profanity.
I fucking hate my job. I fucking hate asshole people. I fucking hate money (or not having any). I fucking hate my car for CONSTANTLY fucking me, depsite my dumping into it two and a half times what I paid for it. I fucking hate having to deposit my check and then watch it disappear because of bills. I FUCKING HATE that despite all my efforts, I still only have one “real” friend. I fucking hate when bullshit piles up and I just get fucking angry. I want to hit something or hurt something. I want to scream at the top of my lungs until my voice is gone.
*sigh* Most of all, I fucking hate that the one thing that I’ve ever been halfway decent at constantly evades me. I fucking hate that I haven’t written a poem by my own free will in almost two years. I fucking hate that I’m unable to.
Again. Stifled.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
So, my phone took a fucking dive yesterday, and I have to wait until tomorrow to get a new one. What the fuck is the point of having insurance on my phone if I still have to pay a goddamned deductible of $50 to replace it? Money down the fucking drain, like always.
Which reminds me. My check was going to be super fantastic, and I was overly stoked about it, and then noted the fact that taxes ruin my goddamn life. It was still a decent check, but after paying for my phone, and then gas, and then having to pay the phone bill soon, I’m going to have very little money. Again. I’m so fucking sick of living paycheck to paycheck. I’m not even out of school yet, and the fucking adult life is raping me, hard.
Which reminds me. I don’t have enough money for school. I was going to call Financial Aid today, but I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING PHONE, so I can’t. I’m hoping that I can get some more money, otherwise I’m totally fucked. There’s nothing I can do. When am I going to start getting paid for my existance? That would be lovely. Just like, a nickel for every time I take a breath or something.
Ugh. I’m tired. I just want enough money to take care of everything without having to work my ass off for not enough money for anything. I’m tired of shit going wrong, and I’m tired of having to struggle to make ends meet. I’m 20 goddamn years old and I already feel like I’ve been working my entire life. I suppose bitching doesn’t really change anything, but every now and then I just get fed the fuck up. I don’t want to play anymore.
P.S. My boyfriend is adorable.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
The mighty, mighty culmination. Perhaps I’m too sensitive, or I get my hopes up too much. Whatever. It’s vent time.
I am fucking sick of people I consider to be my friends a) flaking out on me and b) seeming to avoid me. There are a few people that I really like leaving town soon, and I want to hang out with them before they go. However, they seem to be too goddamned busy to even talk to me, let alone hang out with me. Number one on that list is Spooner, which is frustrating. I don’t know what I have to do to prove that I have absolutely no interest in him as anything other than a friend, and I try to handle myself well in respects to him, but eating away at the back of my mind is the (probably correct) idea that he’s avoiding the hell out of me. I just want to fucking hang out with him (as well as Click) before he (they) leave(s). I don’t get why that’s a big deal. I’m just fucking tired of always ending up feeling like this, when all I want to do is fucking hang out with friends and have a few drinks. I don’t understand what the problem is. Someone, please, explain it to me, and soon, because I’m really tired of dealing with this bullshit.
I’m really not that bad of a person. I don’t know why everyone insists on making me feel like I am.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
I am thinking that at this very moment, I feel incredibly pissed off. Nearly livid.
I was headed home from hanging out with quarterlife and Robot, and B-Rex texted me, and told me to go hang out with him and drink. So I did. After making a joke about one of the girls there “knowing her place” (a type of joke I used to take violent offence to and have since eased up on because it is somewhat funny) and being met with complete and utter offendedness, I apologized sincerely to those who seemed most upset about it, and was told that “we were cool.” Not ten minutes later, B-Rex is being called into a huddle, and I can hear them talking about me needing to leave. So I put my beer down, excused myself to Right (who I haven’t seen since high school, what the fuck!?), and took off. B-Rex called me shortly after and asked where I was. I explained the situation to him. And now I’m just pissed off because people are fucking spineless drama whores who don’t have the nerve to tell a person to their face when they have a problem. Had I been aware that that joke was going to offend people, I wouldn’t have made it. Were they mature and realistic people, they would have realized that I didn’t mean to offend anyone, and considering that I HAVE NEVER MET THEM BEFORE IN MY LIFE there was no way I was to know that it would upset them, they would let it go. I’m beginning to get over it, but I’m still put off by the fact that people are such douchebags. I’m tired of those kinds of people. TIRED.
But I’m excited that B-Rex a. wanted to hang out with me and b. broke up with his immature slut of a girlfriend. All in all, it was a decent night, and despite my inital irateness toward dumbfucks, I’m good. Golden. WHAT THE FUCK EVER.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, PISSED, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
Today started out well enough for me, and then progressed rapidly into something far less than mediocre.
For some unexplainable reason, work slowly but surely began to fill me with more and more rage. I guess it began when ShitTits left early, and I went to check her timecard to make sure she didn’t fucking lie and say she was there for longer than she was. The bitch hides her fucking timecard, but thanks to my coworker, I found it. Not only did she lie about today, she has the thing filled out for the rest of the week, giving her a solid 70.5 hours that SHE DIDN’T WORK. This made me goddamned furious. Not only does she treat me like shit for no reason (I’m assuming [take this as arrogance if you want, that's not what it is] jealousy), but she’s fucking our boss out of money she’s not actually earning. Despite how incredibly shitty it made me feel to do so, I showed my boss when he came in. He didn’t say anything. But I feel like he should know. He’s too good of a guy for me to be okay with someone fucking him like that. After that (which still grinds on my every last nerve), customers started to piss me off. Naturally, working in a customer service environment, I put on my “people” facade, and I try to be nice and personable and whatnot to everyone. But it’s the little things that really get to me. When I hold out my hand and they throw their fucking change on the counter. When I say “good morning” and they look at me like I just slapped them. Or, the fucking best one: when they come in to prepay and proceed to tell me that they’re going to stop coming to our station beacuse, and I quote, “This prepay stuff is BULLSHIT.” I hate being held accountable for shit that isn’t my responsibility. I bust my ass day in and day out cleaning up after and taking care of people, and all they can do is fucking yell at me for having to walk ten fucking feet into the store to give me money for gas. GOD.
Going from violently pissed to very calm too quickly is like leaping into a hole and meeting the bottom much sooner than expected. It’s breaking both legs and feeling completely powerless and stupid. And yet I’m still bitter as hell. And I still want to hit someone or something so hard that it hurts me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and collapse beneath the weight of how enraged I feel. And yet I also question whether or not how I feel is valid or justifiable. I have a tendency to automatically default to rage rather than walking myself through what it is that I really feel. But lately, it just seems like I’m fucking eating up all the bullshit in order to live up to some false pretenses about avoiding drama and being happy. And I think today was the breaking point, because I had to sit on my bed and stare at my bedroom floor, so livid that I was bawling, and think about everything in order to calm down. And it was nearly impossible. I just wanted to freak out; to hit something or break something or make someone feel pain. There is so much bitterness and hatred inside of me, and that frightens me.
Also, He called me today. He doesn’t want to not talk to me, and he’s not doing terribly well. However, I do feel that perhaps today’s conversation was one of if not the best we’ve had since the breakup. I said a lot of things I had been keeping myself from saying, and it felt good to get them off my chest and out in the open. It’s going to take time, but we are going to be good friends. He’s afraid that we won’t, and that’s just silly.
EDIT: Talking to He also fucks me emotionally. It’s difficult and painful, and I don’t know how often I can do it before I lose my goddamned mind.
And lastly, I am SO FUCKING SICK of money. All I do is spend money. And the nearly 60 dollars I spent on Sunday for something that I otherwise wouldn’t have needed irritates me more than anything, for reasons I can’t really understand. I’m over it, but I’m not, you know? I’m just tired of getting a fucking paycheck and watching it vanish within a few days thanks to bills and responsibilities. I want to get a tattoo. I want to get something for ME. And I don’t even have the money to pay for the things I am obligated to pay for. I crave a certain person and a certain bed so I can fall into oblivion and feel fine just being me.
I’m so overwhelmed by so many emotions that I have opted to go with the most prevalent: rage. I am goddamned livid right now. And it’s only because I don’t know how to fucking cope with anything and I never try to cope with anything and I let little stresses get the better of me.
I just want to feel like someone gives a goddamn about me, but between everyone I hang out with only liking me because of my tits and Spooner only wanting to use the hell out of me (frustration I’m not going to go into, what I just said was highly rude and overstated considering my current demeanor), I feel like I don’t fucking matter at all. I’m FRUSTRATED.
Fuck. I’ll get this all out later when I’m not swimming in a pool of ire.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
And I’m not making the right one.
I’m subtly livid at the moment. Why can’t we all just fucking grow up? Really! We’re all adults here. We can make out with and fuck whomever we choose, period. I’m not going to feel bad because someone has a problem with who I choose to make out with. I let other people live their lives whether or not I agree with the choices they are making, thus I expect the same respect. And yet I have to wage wars to maintain friendships because of fickle and childish reasons. WE ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE so let’s stop acting like it. I can admit without hesitation that I have a tendency to revert to immature and ridiculous methods of action, but jesusfuck, I’m over it. I’m tired of all the fucking drama and bullshit, so for realsies, I’m out. I’m going to do what I want, when I want, with whoever the fuck I want. If that gets people pissed at me, so fucking be it. I’m not going to live my life according to other people’s standards.
Oh, by the way, I apologized a lot for slapping you that night (I’m aware that doesn’t fucking nullify it, but jesusfuck, I slapped a lot of people that night). Maybe you should get over it already (everyone else did!).
GAH I want to freak out. Thus I vent and calm down and will have a more rational post in perhaps an hour or when I wake up tomorrow. I’ve been gritting my teeth all night since this came up, and I’m fucking so TIRED of it that it automatically pissed me off. When in truth, it makes me really, really sad. Why people can’t just fucking talk to me when they have a problem blows my mind.
LET’S ALL GROW THE FUCK UP. PLEASE.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
I am so, SO fucking sick of people being spineless. I know very few people who do not get loud when they’re drunk, and yet I am constantly singled out for it. Fuck people who don’t have the nerve to say it to my face or the common sense to tell me WHEN I AM BEING TOO LOUD in order for me to quiet down. How the fuck am I supposed to know it’s a problem if no one says anything? Jesus.
I’m frustrated with just about everything right now. I’m frustrated about having to work a shit job AGAIN this summer. That’s my own damned fault, but I still want to complain about it. I am discontent with the state of my friendships, and displeased with my life in general. I want something to be wonderful and perfect, and nothing is. To be honest, I’m not terribly pleased with the quarterlife-Spooner situation, and I don’t understand why. Being unhappy with it makes me even more unhappy simply because I don’t understand why it makes me unhappy. I hate my brain. I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
My world seems to be lacking something. I hugged He today and almost burst into tears. Why does it have to be so hard?
I’m tired of drama and bullshit. I’m tired of people being selfish and inconsiderate.
I’m tired of being so goddamned tired.
…but I have no choice.
It’s been a few days since I was able to read quarterlife’s blogs. But I got on the computer today and caught myself up on her life, and it took everything I had not to burst into tears in the middle of the computer lab. As I have said before, it is infuriatingly inexplicable how I feel, but I sincerely mean it when I say that her pain hurts me. I want to cry, and a lot, not because my life sucks right now, but because hers does. I don’t want to cry because I don’t have a friend to run to, someone to care and love and give; I want to cry because she doesn’t have one.
I know that she cares about him, but I’m FURIOUS with Kiddo. I don’t know the details and I don’t understand exactly what happened, but I know for a fact that any female, above all quarterlife, does not deserve whatever happened between the two of them. A beautiful, intelligent, talented, caring (on and on and on, I don’t have time to list all of her finer qualities) definitely does not deserve to feel dirty and used. I don’t even know Kiddo and I want so badly to punch him in the face (or better yet, the dick) that I am grinding my teeth to a uniform level. I am enraged at the things that are happening to her and the fact that he has contributed.
I abhor and loathe the fact that I can’t be there for her.
I am overwhelmed by this.
Hold tight. It’s not arrogance when I say that I will come help you feel whole.
