Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, Meh, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
I’m not sure what the right phrasing is for what I feel. And I feel it intensely when I’m drunk.
I have a boyfriend that my father LIKES. I mean…LIKES. I dated He for FOUR YEARS and my dad wouldn’t let him stay the night. My dad has had maybe three minutes total of interaction with Mouth, and yet he agreed to let him stay with us for four days. No holds barred. What the fuck?!? I still can’t wrap my head around it. In fact, I can’t wrap my head around the entire situation. How the fuck did this all happen? I feel swept up, and I haven’t regained my balance.
I have had nothing to do since Friday, and I have been drinking entirely too much. But I did, FINALLY, get some money for books, so that’s nice.
I’m happy, and I still don’t know how to deal with it. I kinda like my boyfriend. A lot. And I refuse to think about that and feel bad about it. Which I sometimes do. I’m aware that this came at a cost. But I didn’t make the sacrifice. I just made the choice. And I’m happy. And finally. Because I deserve it.
That is all, for now. I need sleep.
I’m not really sure when or how this happened, but I’m feeling awfully down. The past few days, despite being completely burdened with my thesis, I’ve been energetic and goofy. And now…now I kind of feel like curling up into a little ball and crying. And I have no reason to. So I don’t know what’s going on, and I don’t know how to rid myself of this feeling.
I really, really, really just want to go home. I’m ready to do nothing, or at least nothing related to scholastics, for a month. I’m ready to just lay around and watch movies and be warm. le sigh. I’m just…I’m ready to go home. All I have left to do is polish my thesis, polish another paper, and write a letter. And then I’m done. And I’m utterly bummed because I have no finals, just a “final period” that I don’t actually HAVE to go to. So I get to spend all next week doing nothing when I could go home early, if only I had a vehicle. Shoot me in the face.
Ugh. I feel like crap right now, and I don’t like it. That is all.
Filed under: Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, PISSED, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
So, it has come to my attention recently that the dorms I live in suck ass.
It’s 15 degrees outside. I almost guaranfuckingtee that it’s not much more in my room. Where the fuck is the heat, people? I’m not paying thousands of dollars to live here so I can freeze, and eat shitty food, and have less than adequate housing. Or wait, apparently I am. Fuck.
I’m beginning to get really excited for break. I’ve got to finish my paper for Senior Seminar, rehash one for Modern Fiction, and write a letter of critique. That’s all I’ve got left, really. And then I get to go home. For a month. Homework free. I’m so far beyond ready for that.
Someone tell me how to deal with being happy. I don’t remember the last time I felt this way, and I don’t really know how to handle it. I feel…full. I don’t miss how I was for so many months. The me I am now is so much more amazing for everyone involved. I’m sure other people were sick of the miserable bitchy me, too. Over it.
Ugh. I’m going to try to work on my paper more. I can do this. I have to. I want to graduate and get the fuck out of here.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Ramble, Well shit, Yays!
Some of the better things in life, I have learned, come at a cost. I made a choice. It caused me a lot of pain and distress, but I had to do what I wanted. I had to make me happy. I know that sounds horrible. It’s selfish and sick. But I made my decision. And I’m happy. I’m happy. There’s a lot of explanation involved, and I’m not going to offer it, because I know how I feel about this situation, and I know what I gave up and what I gained.
At what point in life do we decide to take care of ourselves? I think it’s probably different for everyone. I just encountered mine a few days ago. And instead of turning it down, I finally embraced it. Because I was tired. I was exhausted. And yet I kept causing myself more and more misery. And then, bam! there it was. The moment. My father tends to know what he’s talking about, and he got his chance to say I told you so. And I’m okay with that.
Maybe I am a hypocrite. Maybe I am a bad person, or a bad friend. I understand that. I’ve felt that. But shit, being on the other side isn’t a picnic, either, and I can appreciate that now. Just saying.
I don’t really know what I want to say. I’m happy. I’m fucking…HAPPY. And I don’t want to have to be sorry for it.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
This odd mixture of emotions is getting the better of me, and sometimes it feels as though the only way to go on living with even the most minute type of normalcy is to completely ostracize myself. It’s like the only way I can do okay or be okay is to limit my interaction with the rest of the social world. Which is odd in itself, as I’m craving company. I’m stuck in a horrific conundrum, and I don’t want to play anymore.
I have so much to do, and I don’t feel like I have the time to do it. I have obligations and constraints, and there simply is not enough time in the day without my running myself completely ragged. Break cannot come soon enough. And even then, I have to try to get a lot of work done during the break as well. Huzzah.
Things have started to happen, also, that bother me. I’m not upset, I’m not mad, I’m just…irritated. I feel like I’m struggling to empty my already overflowing plate, and shit just keeps being shovelled onto it. Please, please, leave me alone! I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I feel like I’ve been doing okay lately, you know, being responsible and whatnot, and getting things taken care of, but that’s academically. Once academics and my life start raping me up the ass, I start to get a little flustered. And a little flustered can easily turn into a lot flustered.
I just want to go home. I want to be done with some of the shit I am in the middle of (fortunately, some of it will be out of the way before the week is up) and get on with it. I want to get on with it.
I found me again. It’s odd, because due to the situation, I’m not all that happy. But I am happy. I’m that girl who I used to be, but better. I’m bright. I laugh. I radiate. And it’s so much better than how I used to be. And my first thought when I realized this was that it’s too bad that He isn’t around to experience it, and isn’t interested anyway.
Because I’m the type of girl he’d fall in love with. All over again.
Mostly, I’m just checked out on the shit that doesn’t matter. The small stuff doesn’t even roll off, because I don’t let it touch me. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to freak the fuck out about things that are inconsequential or out of my control.
I’m better now. I wish the people I want and need to see that actually would.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
I feel strange. It’s an odd mixture of emotions and I can’t seem to put my finger on one individually.
For some strange reason, the change in the weather makes the missing that much worse. It’s bothersome.
I’ve realized lately that I’m going through withdrawals. I knew it was going to happen, but it’s set it pretty violently lately. I miss watching movies. I don’t remember the last time I just cuddled up and watched one. And I want to. Badly. It’s one of the few things I really enjoy doing, and I can’t ever or don’t ever get to do it. It’s kind of breaking me down.
quarterlife was talking to me today about some problems she’s been having, and it make me consider some things that I was aware of but that hadn’t fully settled in realistically. Then they did and I felt like a douche.
I can’t wait to go home. There are so many people I want to see. Plus, maybe I’ll get to reclaim my house, and my couch, and watch a movie.
Oh, and a warning for some of you (I’m not going to name names): there will be hugs. Fierce ones.
I’m lonely.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
In an up and down kind of way, I beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I’m fairly certain that I think too much.
I miss He a lot lately, usually at night. And I do my damnedest to leave him alone. He doesn’t need me.
I’m stuck. I’m happy, but I’m not happy. It’s like being content because you have Jell-o, but it’s not the flavor you wanted. So it’s good, but it’s not as good as it could be. I’m stuck wanting things that I can’t have. Why do I do this to myself? Unobtainable.
I’m starting to freak the fuck out, kids, because it’s crunch time, especially in Senior Seminar, and I’m not making the progress I feel like I should be making. I have no clue how the hell to even begin the presentation that’s due in a week. I have a presentation for another class in roughly a month, on a book that I haven’t even begun to think about reading. On top of it all, I just want to go home for break, and I have no way to get there at the moment. And I’m not sure I’m going to find a way. Balls.
I don’t even know how to say all the things I want to say. I feel emotionally retarded.
Filed under: Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I don’t know what I need to do differently (well, I suppose I do), but something has got to change. I’m getting really tired of getting up to go work out and being struck with the overwhelming need to vomit. So I dry heave a bunch, and then go lift weights, and dry heave a bunch, and then come back to my room, and then go to Bodysculpting, and dry heave a bunch, and work out, and then go actually puke (it’s mostly just bile, which, let me tell you, is tons of fun), and then work out more. Today I felt like I was going to pass out, and there were pretty little stars floating around in my field of vision for the better part of the class.
I know I just need to eat more, specifically breakfast, but it’s really hard, because eating breakfast makes me throw up, too (yes, I’ve tried it). I eat really well when I do eat, I just don’t do it often enough, I suppose. My dad seems to be pretty concerned about it, because I called him to ask him about what I could do or what was going on, and he asks me every time we talk if I’m still puking.
I suppose it’s the price you pay to look good? I can’t even really tell if anything is changing for me body-wise. I seem to have plateaued at 150, which is kind of depressing, but my pants are also too big for me, and there’s definition in my biceps and shoulders/back. I suppose living in my body makes it hard for me to judge the changes, if in fact there are many/any.
I really want someone to come cuddle with me and watch a movie.
And it’s been FAR too long since I’ve had sex or done anything even close to it. It’s good, but oh, oh, so fucking bad.
I want to go home. Two weeks.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I preface this with a sigh, because that is all I have.
My body aches. My mind aches. Everything aches. Everything is tired. I’m ready for this semester, at very least, to be over.
I haven’t had sex in a month, and though I take pride in that, it’s also extremely frustrating, in more ways than I care to address at current.
I’m going to run out of money, and that’s okay, I guess, but again, frustrating.
I really just want to get all my shit done so I can sit around with some “friends” and drink some beer and refuckinglax.
More when I actually have time.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I stumbled. People keep telling me that I’m too hard on myself, but I have an idea of how I want to be, and I’m not sticking to it very well. Granted, kissing isn’t sex. And it was very brief. But it still makes me look back and cringe. My stomach flip-flops. It’s a really harsh moment of “shit.“
But that’s okay. Because I have a lot to do in order to actually get the hell out of here. I have a lot of goals that I really, really want to reach, and I’m going to. Period.
Because I want it that badly.
Something changed. Something actually, for real-real not for play-play changed.
Finally.
I can breathe. It’s still hard, and there’s still a rattle in there somewhere, but every day gets a little easier. I think I’m finally doing something right. It’s the distance, now, that’s killing me. The missing. That’s the hard part. That’s what sometimes wraps itself around me and starts to squeeze, usually at night. Or on a particularly beautiful day. The missing, the longing, the misery. But it’s getting easier. Not like I’m getting over it, but more like I’m finding it easier to deal with. This is perhaps the most intense feeling of resolve I have ever experienced. I said I was fighting a losing war. But I’m not so sure I am. I feel like if I believe enough, and I fight like hell, maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance that I can get out of this alive. And even with some sense of triumph.
My father wants me to go to Ohio with him and the girls for Thanksgiving. I don’t want to. I know that seems terrible, because I do want to spend time with them, but I really just want to be home. I don’t want to drive across the country to spend Thanksgiving in a foreign place with foreign people. I want to sit on my couch and watch TV. I want to cuddle up with my dog and do my homework. I want to go to dinner with my mother and my brother and I want to see all my friends. I want to see Poser before she moves away. I want to see quarterlife. I want to spend time with the people who mean a lot to me. Not to say that my family doesn’t, but I don’t want to drive for 8 hours just to drive again to some place I don’t want to be. Ugh. I suppose we will see how that goes. The entire dad/family situation is a bunch of drama right now, and I to be honest, I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t have the time or the energy. I have much bigger things to focus on. Like getting on top of shit so I can graduate.
I feel like I kept falling down, and I’ve finally stood up. I’ve finally dusted myself off, and now I’m keeping an eye on my footing. I have my entire fucking future to look forward too, and I was spending entirely too much time trying to run toward it without paying attention to my surroundings. I’m taking my time. When it comes time to run, then I’ll do it. But at the moment, I’m content with walking. I’m okay with making sure I’m taking the right steps to get where I want to go.
Will you be there when I get there?
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Stephen King wrote that, and it just kind of stuck with me.
Some day, I’m going to learn that loving myself is more important than loving someone else, especially when it is thrown in my face that I’m wasting (and possibly had wasted) my time.
Some day, I’m going to wake up and look in the mirror and believe that I’m as beautiful as I think I am on the inside.
Some day, I’m going to fix all the things I’ve broken, including myself.
I’m doing better lately. I resist temptations, or at least the ones that I know will get me into trouble or lead me to something I know I will regret. I’m angsty and sad and bitter, but I’m doing okay. Or at least very close to okay, most of the time. I think stupid amounts of physical activity helps.
I refuse to believe that I am a bad person, but I feel like I am. And I’m exhausted. I’m tired of feeling nothing but negative things about myself as a result of everything with He. It’s stupid. But I can’t bring myself to change it. I don’t really know how. Some of it is in his hands, I suppose, and it’s all such clusterfuckery that it doesn’t matter.
It never really mattered.
Some day, I’m going to have the strength to rise from the ashes and begin anew.
I am beautiful and brilliant. I am a good friend and a good person, and I am overlooked.
I don’t want to do it all over with someone else. That’s part of my problem, I think. I don’t want it with anyone else. I never asked for marriage. I never asked for forever. I never asked for much.
I’m sorry I couldn’t show you how much I love(d) you. And it’s not that I didn’t. I couldn’t. And now that I can, you don’t care.
I have so much to say, and no one to say it to.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit, Yays!
I’m suspended in some sort of etherial cloud.
I am cognizant of my emotions, but some of them are not within my control. For example, the guilt and disgust I feel about the things I have done plague me, but I choose to ignore them. The feelings I still struggle with toward He, however, are not so controllable. I can prevent feelings that arise from the initial feelings, but the root of them are permanent. It’s frustrating, because I’m trying to just be positive and move on. Even though I still don’t want to.
It’s only been five days, and already I’m starting to feel better. My resolve is unshaken. I’m eagerly anticipating becoming the person I want to be rather than the person I was becoming. There are certain things I want that would make the process easier, but I suppose learning to deal without them is helpful in its own way as well. I miss He terribly. It happens mostly at night, and its frustrating. But I swallow it, because what else is there to do? I need to leave him alone and let him live his life. He doesn’t need me.
For now, I suppose, that is all.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
To the few of you that have proven to me the things I have doubted, thank you.
I finally have experienced the painful and difficult realization that my behavior has got to stop. There are serious and terrifying consequences to what I have been doing, and I should avoid them rather than just hope for the best. I’m going to stop drinking and partying so much. And if I do happen to partake in either, I’m going to make sure it’s not in an environment that can get out of control. I don’t know what the hell I have been thinking, and I’m not sure that the way I have been feeling is a valid enough reason for the endeavors I have participated in. I used to pride myself on the fact that I hadn’t had sex with many people. Now I look back on the last couple of months and feel complete disgust and disappointment at what I’ve allowed myself to become. I have said it before, and this time I am going to prove it. That is not the girl I am, nor is it the girl I want to be. My rapid transformation into that girl is coming to and end. Now.
I don’t know how it happened, but I feel less pressure. I still have intense and overpowering feelings for He, but they’re not running my life. I can have a conversation with him without breaking down. Granted, I still want to; it eats at the back of my brain, but I don’t do it. I can control myself. A part of me is really happy about that, because I think that is going to enable me to do better in regards to healing. Another part isn’t so sure it’s what I really want to do. But at this point, what choice do I have? I love someone I cannot have, that does not want me, and the only thing to do is move past it, I suppose. Some shit about better to have loved and lost…
I am seriously resolute this time. I keep destroying myself because of the things I’ve been doing, and yet I continue to do them. I’m done. I’m tired of feeling the ways that I feel, I’m tired of putting myself in situations I deplore, I’m tired of all of it. And I keep doing it to myself. So why not just stop? It’s been brought to my attention that perhaps I need support. I’ve been yearning for that. I am inclined to think I need to do it by myself, to show myself that I don’t need someone else, that I can do it on my own, that I’m self-sustaining. But at the same time, I do see how having people who are cheering me on is only going to make the process easier. You know, positive reinforcement.
He is my best friend. It’s complicated, it’s messy, there’s still a lot of loose ends. But I appreciate his friendship, and I’m trying to limit it to just that. I very much want to keep him in my life. We’ll see how it goes.
quarterlife has touched me very deeply by proving to me that some people really do give a fuck, no matter what. It’s been shown to me before, but it is indescribably moving to me coming from her, especially considering all the bullshit we’ve gone through.
Again, to these few people, especially the two mentioned: thank you. I’m not going to let you down this time.
I’m not going to let me down.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit, Why why why?
I’ve really got to learn to stop.
It’s a downward spiral, and I don’t have anyone to pull me out of it, so I have to just work like hell to help myself. It’s incredibly hard, frustrating, and often unsuccessful. I’m tired of regressing back after I start doing so well. I think I’m almost out and then I get sucked in even deeper.
I’m just tired of this shit. I’m tired of feeling worthless or meaningless. I’m tired of being afraid.
Someone punch me in the face, and tell me that I’m an idiot. I can’t even learn from my mistakes, as I keep making the same ones over and over and over again.
I’m sure it will all be okay.
The question is when?
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not entirely sure how I feel, or what I’m doing, or what I’m supposed to feel, or what I’m supposed to be doing, but I am resolute.
Thing have to change, at very least. I’ve gotten a handle on my uncharacteristic behaviors, with few slip-ups, and I intend to keep improving in that respect. I’m tired of having to torture myself the next day for actions that were ill-thought out or too quickly adhered to. It’s not so much what I’m doing, but why I’m doing it. So, I suppose, it’s actually both. Either way, I’m too exhausted to do it to myself anymore. I have far too much going on as it is, and I don’t need to focus my energy on how stupid I’ve been. I need to just knock it off. Developing self-esteem and self-respect should not be as difficult as I seem to be making it, nor should it happen in the ways I am endeavoring to achieve it. I believe that I can be happy without placating myself with a false sense of validation from temporary physical benefits. What I want cannot be substituted, and I need to make sure I remember that before I take my pants off, or whatever.
What I really need to do is buckle down and focus on school. It, on top of everything else going on in my life, is kicking my ass, and the apathy I feel toward it is not conducive to my success. It’s tricky for me, because I’m attempting to build myself a social network to inhibit the lonliness that consumes me, but that shouldn’t take away from the time I devote to school. And it does. So, apparently I need to work on that as well.
The frustrating part is that there is so much that needs to be done, and I am fully aware of it, and willing to do it, but I am so exhausted from having not done it that all I really want is to do nothing. Just lay in bed and sleep it all away. Because in bed, everything somehow seems better, minus the empty space next to me. Lonliness is like a violent rapist. There is no real struggle, because it just overpowers you. The more you attempt to struggle, or fight it off, the more it seems to enjoy violating you. The worse it gets. I’ve kind of taken to just laying there and letting it happen. Just get it over with. The real trouble comes from what results, the heaviness. I feel pregnant with the seed, the burden of lonliness. Abort, abort.
That is all, for now. I ache with the need to purge, but I need to find the words.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
Today may have been a breakthrough. Or tonight, rather.
I didn’t show my breasts to anyone. I didn’t have sex with anyone. I kissed a friend, but that is all. That is the extent of it. And I explained to him why I didn’t necessarily want to just be friends with benefits.
I’m progressing.
I feel good. That is all I want to say at the moment, because I need to go to bed. Now.
P.S. Nipping out really hard (as in it being REALLY fucking cold outside) is painful and slightly arousing.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I need to knock it the fuck off.
What the fuck am I doing to myself?
I don’t know if it’s alcohol, or just my blatant disregard for myself due to a lack of self-respect, but I am doing things that aren’t characteristic of me. Again. Granted, some part of me does want to do them, hence why I do, but I don’t think that they are things that are conducive to my getting better. I’m okay, I think, for the most part. And then…and then I do something that makes me feel cheap and disgusting the next morning, and I’m sick to my stomach with guilt, and I’m not sure why I feel guilty at all. Because I know it’s wrong? Because I know I probably shouldn’t have done it, and whatever reason I have FOR doing it isn’t good enough? “Because I wanted to” isn’t a good enough reason for me. It is, but it’s not.
I feel like I’ve lost my fucking mind, and that’s the hard part. I’m on a quick road to destruction, and I need to grab the wheel and pull a sharp U-turn. And I recognize that, but don’t seem to be able to do it just yet. I feel like I should withdraw from the world, because my participation in it is doing me more harm than good at this point.
It’s time, for real-real, to get my shit in order.
It starts today.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I think I’ve finally reached the breaking point.
It has all culminated into one brilliant, disgusting moment, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with myself. And I don’t really know how to go about cleaning up the mess I’ve become, or the messes I’ve made.
I need to stop. Just…stop, period. I do things that make me look back and cringe. I behave in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of me, just because I can. I’ve gotten far too out of control. And it’s time to rein myself in. I don’t like the way things are going, and thus, and I have to do something about it.
The image that keeps coming into my head is that I’ve been fighting against a whirlpool. It had been pulling at me, harder and harder, and I had been swimming against it, exhausted, trying to keep myself out of it, every stroke draining me. And it just seems like I either finally lost the battle, or I just gave in, and now I’m swirling down, down, down, and if I don’t do something, I’m going to drown.
At what point am I going to start taking my own advice?
Too many unanswered questions, kids. That’s my problem.
How the fuck do I get over He when part of me wants to hold out?
And should I really hold out when there’s no guarantee?
Ugh. I’m going to do some homework now. I’m sure I’ll post again later.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
I feel like I’ve come to some sort of stand-still in my life. I’ve been so caught up in the whirlwind, and now I’m standing completely still, the world whooshing around me, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve gotten this far, but what’s next? Where do I go from here? I’m not sure I want to rejoin that hectic, chaotic movement. I can breathe in my stasis. That’s the thing about standing still, though. I’m doing it alone. So as nice as it is to breathe, it’s like inhaling a slow poison. I can enjoy it right now, but eventually, it’s going to kill me.
I’m terrified that I have taught myself to be ingenuine. I feel very unhappy most of the time, but I can put on a happy face and act completely normal, even when I want to break down. The only person that it doesn’t happen with is He, and I hate that. I’m wasting my time. I’m wasting my energy. I’m wasting my feelings. It really feels like high school all over again, where I find myself completely in love with someone that barely notices me. That’s kind of a harsh way to represent the situation, but that’s the meat of it. I guess I’m just tired of being…defective. It’s like I’m some sort of fucked up Midas, except rather than gold, everything I touch turns to shit. And I shouldn’t feel this way, because I’m not the same. Even my friends have told me that I’m vastly different now than I was even 6 months ago. And I am. I am. I know I am. Why is it that the one person I want to see that, doesn’t?
I’m exhausted. I want one good day. One whole day that is so good that I don’t even have time to think about being down about anything. I do my best to make that happen, but I guess there’s only so much I can do. There’s only so much I can avoid thinking about. And there’s only so much supression I can handle.
I am what I am. I am flawed, I am stubborn, I am absurd.
I still deserve to be happy.
I still deserve to be loved.
I think I deserve a chance.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Why why why?
I don’t think I really like where I’m at right now.
And that in itself is a problem, because I don’t know where the fuck I am.
My best friend is my ex-boyfriend, and I loathe him as much as I love him.
I don’t know what to do about the situation, because no matter what, I find myself repressing a whole lot of emotion. Just talking to him is a conundrum because it makes me feel better, but it brings about a whole lot of things that make me worse. It’s like cough syrup. You know it’s going to make you feel better, but you still choke and want to vomit. I don’t have any idea how to get around it all, and I’m tired of it being a clusterfuck. And it only is for me, and that’s what infuriates me even more. I feel so incredibly stupid, because I know my heart is directing me one way, the wrong way, and I’m trying to follow. It’s pure idiocy. I want to punch myself in the face.
Oh – random: I’ve realized that there is so much bitter resentment built up about it that I haven’t dealt with that I’m going to explode. I don’t know when, I don’t know on whom, but I know it’s going to happen. I can feel the lid of the pot starting to rattle under the pressure of the boiling. I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t care how I am or am not supposed to feel, it’s fucked up.
I’m having a really difficult time convincing myself that he’s not still mine, which is so fucking stupid I can’t even comprehend it. I get jealous and possessive and a whole laundry list of stupid things that I have no right (and absolutely no fucking reason) to feel. It shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t be like this.
I just miss him so damned much. In every way. And it’s killing me, because I think I’m stuck in some sort of false reality, and it is not serving me well. Not at all.
I’d like to shoot myself in the face.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
I’m quickly tiring of the rollercoaster. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m growing weary of the ups and downs.
One night I’m so desperately miserable that I have mutliple panic attacks and can barely keep my eyes open due to the amount of crying I’m doing. The next night, I feel fine. What is this?
Maybe it’s just because I distract myself with schoolwork. Or maybe I just tell myself that because on some level, I’m afraid that maybe I am starting to get over it and I’m not sure I’m ready/willing to.
Truth? I have no fucking idea what’s going on. And I might be okay with that.
Maybe.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit
I am tired.
My body hurts.
My heart is conflicted.
My mind is overloaded.
I want to sleep for days.
But I want there to be someone there with me.
I think I’ve been doing pretty well with ignoring how lonely I am. Some nights are worse than others, though, especially when I feel the way I do. There is nothing I would love more than to be able to crawl into bed, cover myself in the warmth of someone’s arms, and sleep. I’m sure it’s He I miss, and his embrace, but at the same time, I kind of want to punch him in the face. Like, I want to punch him in the face and then cuddle with him. Get it out of my system and then bask in some sort of false reality.
What was will never be.
That’s hard for me.
And I don’t know why.
I was fucking happy, that’s why. And if one more person tries to tell me that I wasn’t, I’m going to freak out. I’m pretty sure I know better than anyone else how I felt. Regardless. It’s just one more awesome obstacle I have to hurdle.
I’m getting tired of jumping. Jumping hurdles. Jumping obstacles. Jumping through hoops. When do I just get to be? When do I get to just move on? He’s doing it, why can’t I? Why do I have to keep falling back down? My body is going to tire of the abuse, and I can’t do anything about it. What’s going to happen when I fall and can’t get back up again? What then?
I try not to think about it. Because I do keep getting back up. I don’t fall a lot; I mostly stumble. But I do fall. And my knees are bloody and ragged. It hurts to pick myself up and keep going. But I have to. It’s over.
It’s over.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Okay, so maybe I’m a goddamned liar. Maybe I just get far too optimistic sometimes. Maybe, just maybe, I really don’t handle being lonley very well. I truly want to believe that I am okay without He up here, and that would be a whole lot easier if I could keep myself occupied. Because it’s turning into an issue. It’s not just missing him. It’s not just feeling like something about being up here is off, missing, incomplete. It’s not just being kind of sad that we’re broken up and everything – everything – is different. It’s that I start thinking back, back to when we broke up, and I start getting sad/hurt/angry again. I go out of my way not to call He and ask him why the fuck he replaced me. And then I have to battle with myself in order to convince myself that he didn’t replace me, no matter what it feels like. Just because there is absolutely no other way I can feel about the situation doesn’t mean that that’s how it is. And mostly, I’m just fucking irate because I swear to JESUS I thought I was over this horseshit. So, in a nutshell, I am trying really hard to just not think about anything pertaining to He at all. Which is difficult. But I’m doing my best, and it’s going to get better. It’s going to get better. I refuse to allow this shit to happen again.
So. I’m not entirely sure that any of that made sense or even came out the way I wanted it to, but I had to fucking vomit it out somewhere, because I’m having a difficult time this morning. I know there’s going to be a problem when I go to bed in a decent mood and wake up feeling much less than 100%. I feel like some part of me had a super delayed reaction and is just now going through the grieving process. Which really isn’t cool. I’m exhausted with being sad at all, about anything. Especially anything regarding He.
I find myself stifling bitterness.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Yays!
It’s odd, because just when I think the entire world is closing in on me, things start to look up.
The things I was stressing myself out about – one in specific – have essentially melted away. I’m not freaking out every three seconds anymore. I’m doing better at not allowing my mind to run away with me. Yeah, it’s different up here without He. Yeah, it makes me miss him and it makes me sad. But I’m a fucking trooper, and if I could get through all the drama and bullshit that happened this summer, I think I can handle not being around him. In a strange way I’m kind of glad he’s 600 miles away. It forces me to handle college on my own rather than using He as a crutch, which is essentially what I did for the last 3 years. Now I actually have to make friends and develop a social network for myself. It’s exciting and terrifying, and though most of me feels like it’s going to take too much effort, I’m kind of looking forward to it. Shit, I made a ton of new friends before I left to come up here, so why can’t I do it here? We’ll see how it goes.
I just spent 200 dollars on books. It’s not really a bad deal considering that I bought 12, but at the same time it pisses me off because I know I’ll get maybe 20 bucks when/if I try to sell them back. It’s fucking horseshit, and I don’t know why it still bothers me when I should be used to it. I’m brilliant for choosing English as a major. On a similar vein, I’m a little worried about a couple of my classes. I’m glad that I only have class on Tuesday and Thursday, because I’m going to need a lot of time for at least two of my classes. Senior Sem and Fiction are going to kick my ass in terms of writing, and Modern Fiction is going to kick my ass in terms of reading. 7 of the books I bought today were for that class alone. GUH. It’s a good thing I am fucking badass. : )
So I guess I’m in a decent mood. There’s a little bit of drama going on at home in terms of my family, but I guess that’s working out as well…it tends to get a bit rough when I can’t be there to help my dad out with things. But hopefully everything is going well. I’m really glad that my dad is so happy with his fiance and her daughters and whatnot. It’s a nice little family unit we’ve put together.
OH! And I’m going to go start working out, and I am super stoked for that, because I’ve already lost a lot of weight, and now I’m just going to look fucking SEXY and toned and whatnot. That’s right, you wait for it, when I come home again, I’m going to look like teh s3×0rz and it will be AWESOME (I probably just did that wrong, but I don’t really care). I’m so ready to be stupid attractive again. High school body, here I come!
I guess that’s it for now. I’m trying to be as optimistic as possible, if not only because things are looking up and I want to keep it that way.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?, Yays!
The last couple of days have been…rough…I suppose I would say. I’ve been having miniature internal meltdowns almost every night, and sometimes they spill out and I have to talk to someone. Most recently it’s been my parents, and I told He, and all three of them have told me that I need to just calm down. I’m sure they are right, but it’s still sort of difficult because some of the things I am stressing about are terrifying. It takes a lot of energy for me to just shove it to the back of my mind so that I can function like a normal human being.
I’m back in the ’scow, and initially, I was really happy about it. I realized that I really do like it up here. And then, while sitting in my dorm room, being bored out of my mind (my roommate is like, an exchange student or something from Ecuador, and isn’t in our room all that much because she has to go to meetings and stuff…or something), I had a mini-panic attack. I guess. Sort of. The brain took me on a magical journey to Misery Swamp, and all I could think about was He, and how hard it’s going to be up here without him, and blah blah blah blah blah. And then I just got sad because we are broken up, which is stupid, and so I just sat here and cried like a little baby for a while and then took a deep breath and knocked it the fuck off. It is going to be a huge change without He up here, not only because we’re not together anymore, but because he was the doorway to friendships and social gatherings for me. I’m pretty sure that none of the guys in his house actually have a whole lot of interest in being my friend or hanging out with me, and the only reason that they ever did was because I was He’s girlfriend. It’s kind of depressing, but I guess it’s just an opportunity for me to make more friends or something by myself. I guess I just need to adjust a little bit better rather than feeling sorry for myself, which it seems like is what I am doing.
On the upside, I figured out how to get connected to the internet all by myself. I’m pretty proud of that, because last year I had to have He do it because I had all sorts of problems with it. I got it done in like, an hour (technically it was like, five minutes, but I’m counting the time that I spent in the computer lab AFTER I registered the connection). I know it’s silly, but it’s a small triumph for me personally. I guess you’d have to be me to understand. It’s liberating? Because I didn’t need He to do it for me. It seems cruel or harsh or mean, maybe, but I guess I like that I am capable of doing things that I needed He for before. It makes me feel like I’m getting my independence back, and that’s a good thing. I hope. I just need to cling to that, because truthfully, for the last…oh…4-5 hours I’ve been missing He terribly.
I’m hoping that this year is fantastic. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that it is, but who knows what hand life plans on dealing me?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not sure I should even be doing this right now, because I have been far too contemplative and somewhat down for the past couple of days. I guess I just want to dump it out.
I was so gloriously okay, and then new information rears its ugly head, and I feel myself teetering on the edge of misery. I refuse to feel the way I felt before, and I don’t think I do. But some part of me has such a difficult time dealing with the situation, particularly because of some of the finer details. And it would be so much easier to deal with if people didn’t use bullshit excuses to validate the things they’ve done. Maybe that’s just me, but regardless, it’s bothersome. My biggest problem at this point is that some part of me is clinging so desperately to it all, and really, I don’t care that much. I don’t want to care. None of it is my business, and I don’t want it to be. I just don’t know how to turn myself off. It’s okay, but it’s not fucking okay. It’s driving me crazy. So most of the time, I prefer to just not think abotu it. I’m not really sure what’s going on with me, and that’s infuriating because I was doing so well, and now I feel as though I’m slipping.
I can’t wait to leave. I’ve loved the past few weeks here, hanging out with people and having a good time and whatnot, but I’m ready to remove myself from the situation. I think distance will help me put the finishing touches on distancing myself completely in terms of emotions, and that is a huge part of all my shit right now, I think.
I’ll do this again later. I really don’t have it in me right now. I’m not even sure any of this makes sense.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
I don’t even know where to begin. I am conflicted because I am acting very out of character. I am making the choice to do so each time I do, and then I start to feel…guilty? about it. At the same time, I am 21 years old, I am single, and I can do whatever the fuck I want. I still have integrity, so I don’t know what my problem is. At this point, I’ve just decided on “fuck it” because I don’t need to waste my time worrying about whether or not I come off as a giant whore. Shit happens, and life goes on. I’m enjoying myself.
I think this is going to be my last week of work. I’m pretty stoked about it considering that last week I serverely fucked up my back. Thanks to Smokes, though, it feels a whole hell of a lot better. It was an incredibly painful process, but he worked some serious magic. Yays! The shit was literally starting to destroy me. It hurt to breathe, for fucks sake. But I think I’m on the road to recovery, so that’s good.
I am content. Life has been a whirlwind for the past few weeks, and it’s hard to keep up with it all, but it’s been a hell of a ride, and I feel good. I feel like me again. And that’s really, really nice. At the same time, I do need to get my shit organized, because I may be headed toward a very dangerous slope that I don’t want to fall down. I’m not sure if it’s a lack of self-control or just being so caught up in the brilliance of it all, but I’ve gone crazy. Haha.
I’m in love with life right now.
Jesusfuck. It blows my mind that in two weeks, I will be back in Moscow. Where did this summer go? It seems to have passed so quickly. There’s been so much going on. Jesus.
I have so much to say, and I don’t really have the time at the moment. Apparently I have to go to lunch with a guy I don’t even know, haha. Well, I may have met him, but I was preoccupied with someone else, is what I am told. Ah, such is life.
I will get back to you later with the juiciness of the past five days. I love my life.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not 100% on how I feel at the moment, and that pisses me off. Even when I was sitting around by myself, I still felt good. And then He comes along and fucks it up. Derails me. I’m struggling to not let it bother me, and I’m doing a decent job, but I can feel myself slipping. I’m not sure what to do to stop it. I refuse to let myself be brought down again. I worked so hard to get where I am and I will NOT let him bring me down anymore. Every time I start dwelling on it, I just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell myself I deserve better. Shitty things happen to good people, sometimes.
I’m having a hard time not feeling like perhaps I am too needy with my new friends. I enjoy hanging out with them, but at some point last week I just stopped texting them because I felt like I was being too much. People need space. Shirt just texted me, and that made me feel nice, because I didn’t have to make the effort. It pisses me off that I feel this way because I know WHY I feel this way and I shouldn’t have to. That’s why I’m so irritated that I’m bothered by the stupid shit with He. It affects everything in my life in terms of my behavior, and I don’t need that to happen. I don’t want it to happen. I’m not going to let it happen. Jesusfuck.
I cannot WAIT until Thursday rolls around. I’m going to rectify the way I’m feeling by uttering a silent “FUCK YOU” to all the drama, and I’m going to go to the Gator and have the time of my life, like I always do. That’s where my happy lies; in the people, the spirits, and the sheer fun that lingers there.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
I can’t even comprehend how people that I thought knew me can find themselves under the impression that I would be doing or saying things to be intentionally hurtful. I have absolutely no reason or desire to be catty or cruel, and I am quickly tiring of being questioned about it. And I think that by being bothered by the situation, I am making it worse. So fuck it.
I AM OVER IT! There is no drama, there are no cruel intentions, I’m through with hard feelings, and I don’t need to deal with minor miscommunications. I care about He, but I don’t want a whole lot to do with him right now. He is important to me, yes. But the relationship has vastly changed and I’m not going to drop everything to accomodate him like I used to. I know it sounds harsh, but that’s just how I feel. It’s taken me a while to get to the point I am at and I can honestly say that I feel pretty fucking happy the majority of the time. He and I broke up. We are broken up. It’s not my problem anymore. None of it. We both have our shit and I’m working on mine. Perhaps I don’t always handle it well because my opinions get in the way, but I do know that to some degree I am correct in the things I feel and believe, and I’m not going to let anyone tell me otherwise. I just want to get on with my life. I’ve fenced up the drama llamas and I don’t need anyone letting them out so they can start shitting all over my life again. I’m not saying that He is doing that, but in general, I am saying that I am DONE with semi-silly situations and conversations that do little more than irritate me. I know that I’m probably coming off really cold, but that’s just how it is. I let shit roll off these days, and I don’t want to buy in to minute issues that don’t even need to come up. I…I just can’t say it enough. I’m over it. Really, I am. I’m done.
I am glad that He is going on with his life. True, I do not agree with how he is going about it, but that doesn’t matter. So I’m letting him do his thing, and I’m doing mine. I’m not obligated to make him happy anymore (if, in fact, I ever did), and if what he is doing makes him happy, more power to him. I stand by my feeling that he does deserve to be happy. As do I. And we need to just do our own things and leave each other alone. I know he wants to be friends or stay in my life or however you choose to put it, and that’s fine. I have no problem with that. But it’s not going to be on his terms. It’s a compromise, and when I am ready, when time has done what it does, then we’ll see what happens.
Also, and I was just thinking about this today, if anyone is having trouble losing weight, just date someone for four years, go through some somewhat traumatic shit promptly following the breakup, and the pounds will just fall off. It’s ridiculous. Helpful, though. Apparently being single and losing some weight gets you substantially more attention from the opposite sex than you had previously. I’ll just go ahead and high-five myself on that one. It’s really nice to feel comfortable with how I look AND be aware that other people approve as well.
So, that’s it for now. I’m not a mean person. I took a whole lot from my relationship with He, and I’m a better person for it. I handle situations a million times better than I did in the past. I’m level-headed and calm and I am not sure I can recall the last time I got angry. I’m just saying – I’m not about to start saying things just to warrant a reaction or to be intentionally hurtful. We’re all adults, here.
My metaphor was that I was swimming in a pool of misery and I want to evolve. I want to move through the stages and become a creature that can stand solid on two feet. When I first spit this metaphor out, I was saying that I was like, a tadpole or something. I was still in the pool, but I was working on getting out. I think I’m to the point where I’ve got some sort of rudimentary limbs, because I have been spending more time on the shore than in the pool. I go back to it from time to time, but I don’t need it to survive. I’m evolving, and it’s fantastic. Breathing is fucking nice.
This summer has kind of done a complete 180. I thought I was going to be horribly depressed forever, and yet the past couple of weeks have me so giddy that I’m not sure why I was so down in the first place. I’ve met a lot of people, I’ve developed incredible friendships, and for the first time in a long time, I’m pretty damned comfortable with myself. Sure, I’m still insecure, and I catch myself feeling like a disgusting blob, but a lot of things have happened lately that essentially force me to believe (at least on some level) that I’m attractive. It’s lovely. Refreshing. It’s been a very, VERY long time since I have felt attractive. Since I’ve been at ease in my own skin. Shit, man, I’ve been wearing skirts! It’s like some sort of breakthrough. Ha. Truthfully, it’s just really nice to be where I’m at right now. As a person, I think I’ve improved. I’m more fun to be around – even to myself. I just go with the flow and let shit roll off and GODDAMN it’s nice. I’m finding the girl I used to be, and remembering how great she is. LOVE IT.
Also loving all my new friends. K-B and Shirt, particularly, because they actually talk to me and hang out with me, and jesusfuck, they’re just awesome. They both make me feel incredible, and that in itself is thoroughly enjoyable. As is their company. Gotta love the mens.
My behavior lately has me somewhat taken aback. I am not disturbed or upset by it, but it seems quite different than the behavior I normally exhibit, and I’m more just surprised by myself than anything else. Actually living life, just taking it by the balls and having FUN is exhilerating.
There may be hope for me yet.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I take back my previous smacking. I don’t need to smack myself at all. The things I do are the things I want to do because I am not an idiot, I am not a slut, I am not irresponsible, I am not that girl. I’m a good person, and somewhere deep down, I honestly believe that. I believe that I do deserve to be happy. I believe that I don’t deserve to spend the rest of my life feeling like shit because I spent four years with someone who now chooses to make me feel that I was inadequate. I am enough. I am more than enough. And I hope to god that I can convince myself to believe not only that, but that I deserve better.
I’ve been happy lately. Things have been looking up. He is still my best friend but I think some part of me is trying to get rid of that. Some part of me loathes him so violently that it is difficult for me to keep it in check. Because the whole of me still cares very much about him and I don’t need to be burning any bridges (he already did). I don’t know what I want between us, and I haven’t been thinking about it. I don’t think about him, much. I try not to.
I am terrified that perhaps I have developed feelings or at least some sort of attachment to K-B. I’m sure there will be more on this as the situation develops. Ha.
The wasted chance.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
Life. It goes on. It’s hard, it’s ugly, it’s painful. But time keeps ticking by, and it does what it does.
Maybe I’ll be okay. For real-real, not for play-play.
Councelling went very well. It was, as I expected, a little awkward, but I think it will improve. She’s a pretty cool chick, and it was easy to kind of just chat about things. Plus, I only cried a teeny tiny little bit. I walked out of that place, got back to my car, and almost bawled. I was so fucking relieved. It was the first time in a long time that I felt happy. Everything felt okay. I got some sense of hope. The whole thing is just a good plan.
Also, in light of recent events, I need to smack myself. Tsssk tsssk, me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
Good GAWD. Once again, I feel as though there is a lot inside me that is just itching to get out but there is something disabling me from allowing it to.
I do want to say one thing, and this is more for me than anything else. I think I actually need to stare at it for a while. I do not forgive He. There are so many things about that statement that I have a hard time processing them all. Technically, he didn’t do anything to me. It’s his life, his business, his choice. But I don’t think it is entirely unreasonable for me to feel the way I do about it. It was a HUGE slap in the face. More like a punch. And I’m not sure the black eye is ever going to go away. I don’t know if I CAN ever forgive He. Part of me wants to, and another part is telling me that I’m better off. I spent four years with a stranger.
As far as my social life is concerned, I would say I’m doing a lot better. The past few times I’ve gone out, there has been very minimal drama, a lot of hilarity, and just an overall great time was had. In the past week I’ve made a whole handfull of new friends, and they actually show interest in hanging out with me. It’s a foriegn but fantastic feeling. Like, maybe I will be okay.
Maybe.
Slowly, very slowly, time is doing what time does.
I’m doing…okay. It’s nice. But I’m semi-frightened of it, because I fear it is not going to last. I feel more positive than I have in quite a while, though, and that’s nice as well. I still have moments of weakness, but that will happen.
I accredit my positivity very much to Peachy, because she is fucking amazing. She’s been everything I’ve needed someone to be and then some. I appreciate not only her willingness to hang out with me, but her brutal honesty and the fact that she will not bullshit me about anything. She’s played a pretty big part in pulling me out of my hole. Thank you, thank you, thank you. You are awesome. : )
I’m still stressing, and there’s still a bunch of bullshit going on, but I’m so fucking tired of letting it all get me down that I’m just keeping my head above the water and enjoying the calming feeling rather than flailing about worrying that I’m going to drown. If I’m going to drown, I’m going to do it while living my life to the best of my ability. Fuck it. Fuck all of it.
Happy happy joy joy. I’m trying.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I wake up every morning and within five to ten minutes, dash to the bathroom and vomit. Dry heave. Choke. Mostly bile. Often bloody. If I didn’t know better, and I do, I would be inclined to think that I was pregnant. That’s not what’s making me feel this way.
I’m not sure how to describe how I feel. I can point out at minimum three or four solid emotions, but they’re so blended together most of the time that it is difficult to distinguish them and act accordingly. I suppose what is bothering me the most at this moment is that I know what’s going to happen to me. I don’t want it to, but I don’t know how to stop it. My entire life, I’ve been fucked over. I’ve been used and abused and sucked dry. True, I allow people to do this to me, but only to an extent. Friends, lovers, whatever, have all taken extreme advantage of me. I built walls. I built them high, and I built them thick. Because I was tired of it. I was tired of the mistreatment and the pain and the constant ache of it all. My dad told me to stop searching and just let things happen. I relaxed my grip and before I knew it, there He was. He fell into my lap when I least expected it, and I let go. I let it happen. It took a little time, but I did. I allowed him to take a sledgehammer to my walls and I let him come in. I destroyed myself with how much I loved him. I grew accustomed to his presence, both within and outside of me. He is the first person I can truly say I have ever been inlove with. And I let it happen so much that it consumed me. In negative and positive ways (I often fear more negative than positive). What bothers me, right this second, and the more I think about it, is that He left. He came in and hung out for a while, but then he turned around, covered in dust and remnants, dragging that hammer behind him, and he left. You know what I did? You know what I’m doing? I’m rebuilding. The wall is going back up, going up higher and going up thicker. I’m guarding myself because it may be the only thing I know how to do to go on. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to block myself off again. I don’t want to cut myself off from the world. I’m tired of being pessimistic and cold. I want the be the me I was when He came in. He came in and dusted away the cobwebs. He turned the furniture right side up. He made it comfortable. He made it liveable. He made it bearable. But I don’t know how to be that me without him. That both disturbs and terrifies me. The entire situation devestates me. I feel like I’m building this huge wall but the mortar is my love for He, and that’s just a bigger problem.
Since we’re discussing problems, I have a new one. I wasn’t sure it was actually going to develop, but it has. I miss He physically. There’s two sides to this, and one has been somewhat ongoing. I miss touching him. I miss running my fingers through his hair. I miss hugging him. I miss the smell of him. God, how I miss his smell. I miss kissing him. I miss laying next to him. I miss hearing him breathe. I miss looking at him. I miss his presence. His aura. The feeling of him when we’re in the same room. I miss the way he tastes. I miss his warmth. I miss the way he laughs, especially when he finds something very funny. I miss the crook of his neck and the comfort I always found there. I miss all the things I used to get irritated at him for. I miss him clipping his nails in bed. I miss him leaving garbage everywhere. I miss open cubbards. I miss unmade beds. I miss leg pillows. I miss the way he would cut away at the “dead” skin around his fingertips. I miss his shit-talking on COD with the bros. I miss rubbing his back. I miss his cold feet and foot tacos. This list could go on for days, and god…I miss him. It feels like someone reached into my chest and took something out of it. It’s a dull, hollow ache that pulls at me every time I see or hear or taste or do or anything that reminds me of him or makes me think of him. And everything does. Everything. But there is a new side to this. I should have known it was going to come up, but I was really hoping that it wouldn’t. I miss He sexually. And not just because it was quality (GOOD FUCK [pardon the pun]). I’m not sure I can describe it. I miss the hunger. The passion. The closeness. I miss the fire. I miss feeling his desire for me. I miss clenched fists and piercing fingertips. I miss feeling him love me. I could go into detail, and I really want to, but I’m not sure I really should. What I will say is that I regret not doing more. I trust that He will know what that means.
I guess I’m going back to work soon. My dad thinks it’s going to make things a whole lot better for me, but I’m not entirely sure. I guess we’ll see how things go. Either way, I don’t have a choice. I need money, and badly, because at the rate I’m going, I don’t even have a place to live at school this semester. Just another wonderful experience to top off this fantastic summer.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I’m tired of feeling the way I feel. I’m tired of questioning myself. I don’t want to feel so terrible all the time. I don’t want to diminish myself constantly. Truth? I don’t have closure. That’s the problem. I don’t know if would help, and that presents another problem. More questions. More doubt. I wish I could shut off my brain. I want to be able to sleep at night. But I sleep next to a ghost.
He won’t stop haunting me.
Do I want him to?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Why why why?
This goes out to all the people that were there and didn’t do anything. Didn’t say anything.
This goes out to the two of you, who were careless. At this point, you both disgust me.
Most specifically, this goes out to one person. Someone I thought was my friend. Someone who proved me wrong about that.
Fuck. I want to be mean. I keep stopping myself from calling her or texting her or doing something. I hope she knows how wrong she was. How disgusting and deplorable what she did is. I hope she never forgets it. I know I never will. I used to be excited about being friends with her. I wanted to get to know her and hang out with her and be her friend. Obviously, she didn’t want the same. So, to you, I say thank you. Thank you for fucking me over right from the get-go and saving us both the trouble of doing it later. You got me good, too. Really good.
Now to you. I already told you how disappointed I am in you. How flabbergasted and astounded I am that you of all people would do this. I suppose I may be overreacting. We all know how good I am at doing that. But what it comes down to is that I’m now uncertain. I don’t know if I’m going to love you forever or if I’m just going to carry around this twisted knot in my stomach forever. I wanted all the memories I had of you to be good ones. I wanted to look back and say, “yes, those were good times.” But you have taken that from me. The gravity of what you did overwhelms all the goodness and I constantly have to fight the need to vomit. No one. NO ONE has EVER hurt me this badly. And I’ve been hurt a lot. So, thank you as well. Thank you for teaching me that nothing lasts forever, no matter how real you think it is. Thank you for teaching me that no matter how much you love someone and trust them, they will still fuck you over, and probably harder than everyone else. Thank you for showing me that all my fears were justified, even after you had convinced me that they weren’t. Thank you for everything, and thank you for absolutely nothing.
To everyone else, thank you for pretending to be my friends. Thank you for allowing alcohol to cloud your judgement, despite being intelligent and responsible enough to see through. Thank you for always looking out for number one, and no one else. Thank you, mostly, for confirming that the people I care most about don’t give a flying fuck about me.
Probably the shittiest thing about this is that I’m probably the only one that has any real emotion toward it. Some things never change.
I should be angry. I should want to hurt them. I did, initially. But what’s the point. All they’ve done is show me their true colors. And they’re not the colors I thought they were. They’re not ugly, but I don’t like them.
Good luck and best wishes to you all, sincerely.
I’m used to making it on my own.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, Ramble, Rant, Why why why?
What I love more than already being in a piss-poor mood is essentially being stood up by friends when they know I want to go do something. Yeah yeah, I’m going to rant and whine and whatever. Fucking sue me. I think I’m not completely unreasonable for being pissed off that my “best friend” basically dropped off the face of the planet just because her boyfriend came into town. After we had already talked about doing something tonight – including him. It’s bad enough that I really don’t WANT to leave the house, but once I finally find a decent mood and want to go out and do something at least so that I’m not so fucking alone, everyone seems to be too busy doing something else. I’m just tired of it. All it does is make me feel even more alone and abandoned, and all I can think is that if I were still with He I wouldn’t be having this problem. Which in turn makes it that much worse because then I remember how sad I am about him and how irate I am toward him. Now the rant takes a turn.
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out” is the most fucked up thing I’ve heard him say for quite some time. Really? REALLY? Like, I’m sorry that I took four years from you and now that it’s over I don’t really seem to give a fuck at all and oh, I will be sad, but my emotions are so fucking retarded that I have to wait until you start to get over it before I can break down about it? Like, those things? And honestly, I don’t think I should be mad at him, but I’m bitter, because the way the situation has turned out, I’m just feeling like he didn’t want me and then I dive into this disgusting pool of self-deprication that just makes everything worse. I honestly don’t even really know how to feel anymore. I decided talking to him was not a good idea so I’m working on not doing that, but it’s hard because he is my best friend and I’m lonely. I feel like a part of me is gone forever and I haven’t figured out how to operate the same without that part. And I suppose that’s the thing; I have to learn how to operate in a new way, but that’s hard and I don’t want to.
I want to know why you can’t be sad until I start to be happy.
I want to know why you don’t want me.
I want to know if you know how much emotion you took from me, and if that means anything to you.
I want to hug you and kiss you and have you be mine again.
I want to feel like someone is there for me whenever. You took that from me.
I want to feel okay about myself instead of feeling completely inadequate.
I want to be happy.
I constantly feel like there is a huge pressing weight on my chest. Most days it is pretty difficult to breathe, let alone get out of bed (err…off the couch), and I guess that’s why I’m so pissed of that none of my “friends” seem to realize that it’s a big deal that I actually want to do anything.
I want to just cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie with you. I miss that.
I miss you.
I don’t want to play anymore.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?
I’m really not in a good mood. It seems that is the case more often than not, and that in itself is pissing me off. Guh. I’m feeling all teenage-angsty I guess and it’s not cool. I need to just get over it but I’m so damned bitter.
Hold your breath.
It’s to the point again where I have so much to say, or at least so much to bitch about, and I either don’t have the words or the energy to say (type) it all. That’s pretty fucking ridiculous, but there it is.
I just want a best friend. Everyone around me has this great friendship where they’re totally tight with someone, and I don’t have that. Well, I do, but we’re going to break up very soon, and then we probably aren’t going to be around each other all that much.
Stoked.
I just want to cry a lot or just fucking destroy something/someone.
I’m leaning more toward the latter.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not doing too well, and as much as I like to put off dealing with or acknowledging that fact, it’s beginning to become prevalent and insistent. I don’t know what I need to do to be happy, and as much as I’m bitching about change lately and how much I don’t want it, I think I do. I constantly feel like something needs to happen. Something needs to change. To be different. I feel like my life is in some sort of rut of mediocrity and I am so beyond tired of it that I don’t know what to do. I am aware that I need to take control of things and make something happen if I want them to change, but at some point I just don’t know how to do it. Or I just don’t have the energy. I’m lost.
Every time I think about He, I want to burst into tears. I want to cry until the hollow ache in my chest goes away, until the feeling of dread dissipates. But it’s not going to. He treats our imminent breakup as though it isn’t something important, as though it doesn’t need to be talked about or thought about. Perhaps in a way he’s right. But I’m right too. I’ve got a lot of emotion invested in him and his behavior upsets me. This is not petty to me. He is frequently doing things that really shouldn’t bother me, but they are, and it’s breaking me down. Specifically his nonchalant attitude toward me and his hanging out with his female friends in date-like situations. He does things with his girl friends that he doesn’t do with me. In fact, we never do anything. We’ve done a few things lately, but the more time passes the more it just feels to me like we’re just good friends who have sex. Honestly, and I try very hard not to feel this way because I want to believe it isn’t the truth, I feel like he’s less interested in me than he is in the fact that he can have sex with me. I know that’s really harsh, but that’s sort of how it feels. Everything is sexual. When we hang out I hear more about my tits or my ass than I do about anything else about me. It’s nice, I suppose, but I’ve spent a very long time needing more than that and he knows it. I guess I’m just insecure and jealous and whatever, and that’s why I get so upset about these little things, but it’s that much worse when it’s things he knows bothers me and he does nothing to avoid them or not do them. I think maybe I’m off-base here, but that’s just how it feels to me. I’m so torn up about the whole retarded situation and I just want it to be different. Or easy. Or good. Something other than what it is at the moment. I guess I just wanted it to be perfect before it was over.
I’m constantly feeling inadequate physically. I am not comfortable, I guess, with how I look, and I’m not entirely sure how to go about doing something about it. As soon as I get back to school, I’ll pack on the weight again, even if I lose some this summer. I don’t think I’m fat. But I have a really hard time when everyone around me is thin and whatever. It’s the ideal that’s killing me.
I hung out with my mom today and kind of realized why I don’t like to. Don’t get me wrong, she’s my mother and I love her. I just don’t need the guilt trips and the snide comments and all the bullshit she dumps on me. I have no room in my life for people who are going to treat me that way. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes in the past, but I’m not constantly rubbing her face in hers. I wish she’d grow up and get over her shit because I’m tired of hearing it. Harsh, but true. I don’t need it. Period.
I think I’m going to start looking for a different job. I was thinking about it a lot today and the gas station is sucking the fucking life out of me. I don’t get paid enough for that.
I guess that’s it for now. I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I just want to feel like everything is going to be okay. Or at least have a few hours of not thinking about any of it. I just need a damn break.
You’re too young to be this empty, girl.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Why why why?
I am still exhausted.
I’m trying to figure out why it is that every summer I keep going back to the gas station for work. I know it’s because I know I can get a job there no matter what. I know it’s because I don’t have time to look for another, better job and I don’t have time to waste because I need money. But the way things are going, those really aren’t good enough reasons for me. I seriously need a better job because I’m getting really tired of being just about the only person in that place that gives a fuck about actually working. I generally do about 85% of the work and I’m tired of it. Plus, my feet hurt. A lot. But that’s because I need new shoes. Oh. And I need new pants, because the only pair that I have that fit me have holes in the crotch. Why can’t I just win the lottery? I can’t even comprehend how much money 192 million IS.
Ugh. That’s all. I’m getting really anxious about my dad’s fiance and her daughters coming, too. That’s coming up fast. I don’t even have a bedroom. Good god…ugh.
That’s all for now. I don’t really just want to go off on some sort of “pity me” rant so I’m done.
One week. One week until I get to go home. I don’t know why I’m so excited about it aside from the fact that I won’t have school on top of everything else I worry about.
I don’t know what I’m going home to. Oh, that’s right. A new life. Again. A new “mom.” Two little sisters. A house that’s too small for all of us. No car. No job. Very few friends. A breakup. I’m not looking forward to any of it, and yet at the same time, I am. I can’t get anything straight in my mind, and I’m anxious and terrified and excited and underneath it all, I’m miserable.
I’m not really sure how I feel most of the time, but I do know that I am not happy. I am not a happy person. I have not been happy for months. I put on my front, so I don’t walk around like a super-depressed suicidal emo kid (which isn’t really how I feel anyway, it’s just a nice way to put a visual out there), but I still feel…hollow. I don’t feel like I have anything to look forward to, despite knowing that I have a lot to look forward to. There’s so much positive and I can’t seem to grab on.
I don’t like change. And everyfuckingthing is changing.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Well shit
I’ve kind of checked out emotionally. He and I talked/discussed/argued until almost three in the morning last night, and though I’m glad that we got things out in the open, I feel like shit. I haven’t cried like that in a long time, and I suppose I’d forgotten how draining it can be physically.
However, I want to say THANK YOU to quarterlife for being fucking genuine and sincere and caring. I haven’t really gotten that for a LONG time from my “friends” in IF, and if, when she made the gesture I hadn’t been incredibly hungover and incapable, it would have brought me to tears. I still feel very…moved, I guess, by her interest and caring and I just want her to know that I really do appreciate it, even if it doesn’t seem like it.
I’ve turned into a bitch again just so I don’t have to feel anything else, and I don’t like it. But I can’t help it. It’s a downward spiral and the walls are slippery so I can’t stop myself.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?
Sometimes I find myself feeling violently irate. As in I just want to scream at someone at the top of my lungs. I want to obliterate someone with words, just so I can feel better, or less angry. I’m just so fucking pissed off, and I cannot for the life of me discern why. I’ve been thinking about it, and I really can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just a compilation of a whole mess of things that have been bothering me, and they’ve finally built up to the point that I want to rage. I’m going to say that’s probably it, just because I can’t think of anything else. Maybe I should just rant. Maybe I will.
If it’s not one physical ailment or issue, it’s another. First, I was sick. Nasty, don’t want to get out of bed but I HAVE to go to class and oh god, now I want to die sick. When I got over that, I got a fucking sty. A STY. What a goddamn pain in the ass. It was unpleasant, and I had to put this goopy, greasy medication in it that made it difficult to see. Then, finally, that goes away, and what do you know? Hello, yeast infection! I’m so glad you decided to have a little party in my vagina without my consent. Not only is this uncomfortable and disgusting, but it disables my sexual pursuits, which in its own right is enough to piss me off. So, thank you, body, for being a fucking dicksack, and constantly bombarding me with ridiculous and irritating symptoms rather than just taking a day off and letting me be healthy.
Fucking money is the most bullshit thing on the planet. Even more bullshit than money is the tendency of institutions to charge absolutely absurd amounts of it for most commodities. Someone, please, tell me why the FUCK I am paying for an education. Explain to me, please, why I am paying thousands of dollars for less than adequate food and housing, and why I am forced to pay for health insurance via the university that covers NOTHING. The whole system is fucked, sincerely, and I would love for someone to demonstrate otherwise. Really. Please, please enlighten me. If you can refute the fact that the vast majority of the money I dump into this institution goes to athletics, you will have my interest, at least. But you CAN’T. FUCK. I’m just really, really tired of throwing away money. Yeah, yeah, I know. Welcome to being an adult, and all that bullshit. And that’s exactly what: BULLSHIT.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING in this relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love He. I really, really do. I find him incredibly attractive. He is intelligent, humorous, and I sincerely enjoy spending time with him. I have a very difficult time with the idea that I’m wasting my time with him, because as much as I don’t think I am, or don’t feel that I am, a part of me keeps insisting that, in all reality, that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s basically a long and (mostly) enjoyable road that leads indefinitely to nowhere. So why the goddamn fuck am I so floored? There are so many aspects of the relationship that are so fucked, also, and I just keep smiling because I like being around him. What the fuck is wrong with me? And talking to him about this is virtually impossible, because I’m just an over-emotional psychotic bitch that doesn’t listen to reason and can’t validate any of my points. Yeah, I think that’s just about how it goes. I try to argue my point (because it does always end up being an argument), and I’m wrong. Why? Because he said so. Unless I’m being cute, and then he’s just a whole lot nicer while still inferring that I’m wrong or by ignoring the point completely. Everything I feel is like a fire to He, I think. Most of the time he just dances around it, but sometimes he throws in a log or two. I don’t think it’s ever occurred to him that maybe he would get burned less if he attempted to help in putting it out. FUCK.
That’s all I got. All I want to do is bitch. A lot. I feel like I suck it up all the time because people want me to be nice, and cool, and collected. Relaxed and whatnot. I would be if I could just be myself without being told that I’m fucking crazy and needy. That’s basically all I hear, from just about everyone I know, and more specifically the people I care very much about (with a few exclusions). Fuck that. Fuck this. At some point I need to just get a fucking grip and be secure enough in myself to not give a shit what people think. But at this point, I do, and I’m fucking tired of them disliking me or things about me simple because they’re things that aren’t fucking sunshine and rainbows all the time.
I’m so over this.
Filed under: Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, Well shit
Jesus Christ, it’s been a rough week. I’m a goddamned rollercoaster of apathy and depression, but I still managed to get all my homework taken care of, and I’m not bawling all the time or anything, so, yay?
I’ve decided i’m going to start working out, with or without He. I keep telling him that we need to go, and he just tells me he knows, but never does anything about it. I asked him to figure out what times would work throughout the week for him, and I’m pretty sure he hasn’t done that. I’m tired of waiting around, so I need to just get over myself and go to the gym alone. So I’m going to. At very least 3 times a week. My goal is to be around 130 by the time school gets out, which is a very generous goal, but I’m trying not to set my standards too high. Plus, I’m going to have to account for muscle gain. I don’t really necessarily care how much I weigh so long as it’s muscle and not fat. Which is why I really need to go work out, and am going to.
I finished my story for Fiction class last night, and it’s utterly depressing and morbid, but I feel pretty proud of it. I’ve got to start studying my ass off for Sociology, though. I kept thinking how easy that class was, and then we got the study guide for the exam coming up, and Jesusfuck, the prof isn’t messing around. I’m probably giong to get raped on it, but I’ll do my best, ya know?
Anyway. It’s IWeek, so I can’t spend any time with He. I get to see him when I go to eat and whatnot, but it sucks because I can’t sit with him or anything. Oh well.
I guess that’s all I’ve really got for right now. I’m trying to stay upbeat despite feeling absolutely miserable and pathetic. Ugh.
I’m not entirely sure why I am posting. I don’t have anything to say, or at least it seems. It feels like I have a multitude of thoughts and emotions writhing about, but I am not sure that I have the ability to convert them from such into words.
I am in no way ready for the real world. Sure, I’m already exposed to it, but I’m realizing more and more that I don’t know anything about a lot of things that I should know about. Financial things, living things, bill-type things. All the things I’m going to need to know about and be responsible for, I’m totally ignorant about. And I don’t know how I feel about it. The less I think about it, the better it is. But I’m sitting here, thinking about it right now, and I just feel…ambivalent.
Somebody give me a topic to write a 12-20 page fiction story about, because it’s due in roughy 2 weeks and I have jack shit. My creativity is stifled by my imagination.
I have fucking nothing to say, and that’s just making things worse. Jesus Christ.
I feel like I have a lot to say and no words to say it all with. The past few days have felt hazy and unreal. It’s as though I’m just floating through them, and despite actually doing things (namely running around town on errands or sitting at home cleaning and doing chores), I feel removed and somewhat zombie-like. At this point, I feel like my ability to control my life has left my hands, and things are so uncertain that I don’t know if I have the energy to even attempt to regain control. He and I are not in a good place right now. I feel guilty for not being with him at an incredibly difficult point in his life, but I am also hurt and feel somewhat betrayed. Our relationship has once again spiralled into absurd chaos, and I am exhausted. I don’t even have tears anymore. When it gets to the point where I feel like I need to cry, I simply space out. Everything around me just sort of stops, and I get stuck in my own head, crushed under the deafening wave of misery. I don’t know how to rectify the situation, but I know that we need to have a conversation. A real conversation. We’re constantly covering the issues in our relationship with bandaids, and they only last so long before they rip off or before everything just starts seeping out around the edges. Things need to be talked about. Even if it’s beating a dead horse. Sutures need to be put in place, because if they’re not, this relationship is going to bleed out and die once and for all. I don’t want it to go down like that. Even if it ends, I’d rather it just be the nostalgia of a scar than a funeral.
I have a lot more non-sensical things to say, but I have to get up in roughly six hours to take my brother to a doctor’s appointment (finally!) and then I have to come home and finish painting my dad’s room before making his birthday dinner that no one wanted tonight.
Life, please have a change of heart and give me a break.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I feel useless. Pointless. Frustrated.
Not only do I not even have a real home anymore, but it feels as though I have become less to my family. My brother got married, and I am incredibly happy for him, but the talking/sharing he once did with me has all but disappeared. The same with my dad. I can’t help but to feel as though my sister-in-law has replaced me not only in my brother’s life (as a confidant) but also in my father’s. Though I try my hardest not to feel this way, it becomes increasingly difficult when I find that he does talk to her about things and refuses to talk to me about the same things. I can admit that I am feeling a little sorry for myself, but truthfully, I feel as though I’m being slowly nudged out of the picture in regards to my own family, and that idea is devastating to me. My family – my father and my brother – are all I’ve ever had. They’ve been my best friends. And anymore, it just feels like I’m becoming less and less important in their lives. I just don’t really know how to handle that. I suppose that a lot of my feeling this way has to do with my inability or difficulty with letting go of my “mother” duties; after my parents divorced, I was the woman in the house. I’ve always taken care of my dad and my brother, and I’ve always been there for them. I used to feel so privileged that my brother would open up to me and talk to me about how he felt. He doesn’t do that anymore, and the wall that’s building between us in that respect is not something it is easy for me to accept. The same with my dad, especially because I am daddy’s little girl, and feeling as though I’m being replaced – especially in that position – kills me.
Basically, I don’t feel like anything in my life is working FOR me at this point so much as things seem to be working AGAINST me. I know that a lot of it is my own fault, or at least that there are things I can do to better if not rectify certain situations, but I’m so emotionally exhausted with how shitty things have been that it’s so much easier to just go belly up to it all. I’m tired. I’ve always been tired. And so what, so I complain a lot. I’m a bitch a lot. Fuck you. I know a lot of people have it much worse than I do, but I can only take so much before I begin to question it all and get bitter at the fact that things are constantly shitty.
Truth be told, I feel incredibly alone. I have for quite some time, and the more time that passes, the stronger the feeling gets. I simply have a very difficult time feeling that way, and it makes me act the way I act because I loathe being vulnerable. I’m tired of being alone.
