Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, My heart hurts, PISSED, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I’ve got to get it all out. I’ve got to, and I’m going to. So fuck it, here goes.
First of all, I really, really, really wish that shit wasn’t the way that it was. That said, shit IS the way it is, and I think we all need to learn how to fucking deal with it like grown-ups. Yeah, maybe I’m a huge fucking hypocrite. I can own up to that. But I also realize a few things. First, I handled this situation (because I was basically in the same one) MUCH better, and I shouldn’t be irritated at the things that are happening are happening, but I am fucking IRATE. This is absurd, childish, and completely unnecessary. It’s always awesome to find out who your real fucking friends are. I realize that the situation is shitty. This leads me to my next realization: life goes on. Fucking, seriously. Shit happens. Relationships end, relationships start. People are people, feelings are feelings. If we all played by the fucking rules all the time, everyone would always be miserable.
Aw, fuck this. And fuck monikers. I’m maxed out.
Jeni – I’m sorry, and I told you I’m sorry. I don’t know what else you want from me. I know I broke the “rule,” and I’m sorry that it cost our friendship, but at some point in life, we all have to do what makes us happy. I was pretty fucking tired of being miserable because I was making other people happy instead. An opportunity to be happy was presented, and I wasn’t going to pass it up. I am, sincerely, deeply sorry that I have hurt you. I am sorry that I betrayed your trust and broke your heart, and all the other horrible things you’re feeling. I understand what you’re going through, and that is why I haven’t contacted you or whatever. But let me tell you this: it is vindictive and stupid that some of our mutual friends have turned against me because of the way you feel about the situation. I’ll deal with it, because frankly, it just speaks volumes about the people in my life that I thought were my friends, but I hope you realize that just because this upsets you, and hurts you, does not mean that you have the right to turn people against me. Yes, I talked to you a lot about John and Rachael. I was hurt and devastated at the situation, much like you are now. But I did NOT attempt to get you to dislike either of them. It is completely inane for someone completely uninvolved in the situation to dislike someone in the situation based on how one of them feels. Disagree with what’s happening, sure. But this…this is just fucking unnecessary, and I expected you to be a bigger person. You want to be mad at me? You want to hate me? You want to talk shit? Go for it. But man up and do it to ME. I’m the one you have a problem with. And I’ve told you countless times that I am willing to take it. I have owned up to what I did. I am not proud of it. I am sorry, again, that it came at the cost of our friendship. But I refuse to feel bad for making a choice that meant taking care of me.
Rachael – This is very difficult for me to say, because truthfully, I do still harbor, at least on some level, negative feelings, but I am sorry. I realize now how awful I was, and how you felt that you were doing nothing wrong. It’s an understandable rule, but it’s stupid, and I’m sorry that I was the way that I was about it. I simply feel like addressing you because I am now in the very situation that I put you in, and I just want to express my regret at behaving as I did considering (I suppose) that I now feel like you did. Relationships come to an end, and feelings are feelings, and if you want to fucking be with someone, go for it. That was a very difficult thing to process for me when I was on the shit end of the stick, but now I can see where you were, and I’m…I’m just…sorry. I don’t even really know how to say to you what I want to say to you. I guess I feel horrible that there’s the possibility that I made you feel the way I am being made to feel about choosing to be happy. I don’t know if this makes sense.
John – I extend to you something similar to the apology I offer Rachael. This whole situation has opened my eyes to things I was forcing myself to be blind to, and I am so very sorry that I spent so long condemning you for just wanting to move on and be happy. I get it now. And I would also like to thank you for your patience with me. There is absolutely no reason why you should have tolerated the complete mess that I was, and all the bullshit and drama that I caused. If I’ve learned anything, it’s that the heart wants what the heart wants, and I genuinely mean it when I say that I am glad that you are happy. I wish nothing but the very best for you and Rachael. I don’t know what else to say.
I’m at such a loss right now. When I sat down I was filled with rage and sadness, and I was ready to type up a storm and get it all out. Long story short, I fucking deserve to be happy. I’m sorry if it hurts people. I’m sorry if I have to lose friends in order for it to happen. But I will NOT be miserable because of those things. I am a good person. I make mistakes, but we all do. We are humans. We have vices. We have desires. We sever friendships, we break trusts, we fall in love, we fall out of love. We seek happiness, I believe, above all else, and I don’t think that there is anything wrong with that. I didn’t kill anyone. I didn’t steal, I didn’t lie, I didn’t do anything horrible. I made a choice. Yes, it hurt someone. Yes, I am sorry about that. But it was about goddamned fucking time that I put ME first. Call me selfish. But when it comes down to it, I’m the only person that can make me happy, and I decided to do it. If I end up alone for that, fine. But the way this situation is turning out is simply too absurd, and I don’t need to deal with the drama. Truth be told, NO ONE NEEDS THE DRAMA. Ever. We are emotional beings, but we all need to get a fucking grip. We have brains, too, and (speaking from very recent experience) we FAR too often allow them to be overwhelmed by emotion. I don’t know how well I’m handling this situation, but I am attempting to be mature. I am attempting to be reasonable and calm. I own up to all the negativity geared toward me, but there is a lot that is invalid, and a lot of people fail to realize that. I will NOT feel bad for finally putting me above someone else. Okay, that’s a lie. Because I do. But the fact is, I shouldn’t fucking have to.
And what’s more is that I’m fucking terrified. I’m not going to go into a lot of detail on this one. I’m just throwing it out there. It started when my mother implanted the seed of doubt, and it just grows every day thanks to my insecurities. But fuck that.
And fuck this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Inspired, My heart hurts, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not 100% on how I feel at the moment, and that pisses me off. Even when I was sitting around by myself, I still felt good. And then He comes along and fucks it up. Derails me. I’m struggling to not let it bother me, and I’m doing a decent job, but I can feel myself slipping. I’m not sure what to do to stop it. I refuse to let myself be brought down again. I worked so hard to get where I am and I will NOT let him bring me down anymore. Every time I start dwelling on it, I just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell myself I deserve better. Shitty things happen to good people, sometimes.
I’m having a hard time not feeling like perhaps I am too needy with my new friends. I enjoy hanging out with them, but at some point last week I just stopped texting them because I felt like I was being too much. People need space. Shirt just texted me, and that made me feel nice, because I didn’t have to make the effort. It pisses me off that I feel this way because I know WHY I feel this way and I shouldn’t have to. That’s why I’m so irritated that I’m bothered by the stupid shit with He. It affects everything in my life in terms of my behavior, and I don’t need that to happen. I don’t want it to happen. I’m not going to let it happen. Jesusfuck.
I cannot WAIT until Thursday rolls around. I’m going to rectify the way I’m feeling by uttering a silent “FUCK YOU” to all the drama, and I’m going to go to the Gator and have the time of my life, like I always do. That’s where my happy lies; in the people, the spirits, and the sheer fun that lingers there.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, My heart hurts, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
I kept telling myself that it would never come to this, but it has.
I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like I wasted my emotion.
I feel like I was wasted.
I’ve avoided talking to He, gone out of my way not to contact him in any way. I haven’t been on the computer lately, so it’s been hard for me to know what’s going on with him. But damned if I don’t get on the computer and look at all his shit, and then I find myself spiralling somewhere between blind rage and fathomless sadness. It’s a straight shot to my heart and He is twisting the blade. I had a dream the other night that woke me. I was bawling when I woke. This has never happened to me. I had to keep myself from clutching up my phone and sending him a text inquiring about his sex life. It just felt so real. It seemed like something I had just found out as opposed to a dream. And I guess it doesn’t matter anyway because it’s none of my business and I’m not a part of his life anymore.
Perhaps that’s what’s really getting to me right now.
I am so, so glad that he’s happy. But at the same time, it makes me want to hurt him in disgusting and inhumane ways. It still hurts me that he is capable of just carrying on with his life as though he doesn’t care. It still hurts me that people I thought were my friends are supporting him and have stopped talking to me all together. And I guess what hurts me the most is the fact that I have no reason to not feel like he’s already over me. Fiery jealousy courses through me at the mere thought of him with another girl. And I know he hangs out with a lot of girls, all the time. And I get the feeling he’s not the same person he was when I was with him, which makes me feel like I was stifiling him. Really, truthfully, I’m just so fucking hurt that I just want to be mean. And for the sake of myself and the fact that I haven’t been dealing with any of this as opposed to just ignoring it, I’m going to. I’m going to say a lot of really mean, hurtful things that I probably shouldn’t, and I guess at this point I don’t really care.
Doesn’t seem like he does.
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for taking four years of my life and leaving me with nothing. Not even the satisfaction of knowing that it bothers you that we’re no longer together. Fuck you for telling me that you liked being with me when you obviously didn’t. Fuck you for making me believe that you were in love with me when I’m not entirely sure you even know what that is. Fuck you so fucking much for taking my fucking heart. Fuck you most, I think, for hurting me when you swore to me that you wouldn’t. Fuck you for always making me feel like everything was my fault. Fuck you for always making me feel like there was something wrong with me and the way I operate. Fuck you for making me insecure because you couldn’t defend me in front of your friends. Fuck you for having really shitty priorities and always always always putting video games before me. Fuck you for neglecting me in all the ways I told you I needed you not to. Fuck you for not being there for me when I was always there for you. Fuck you for taking so fucking much from me and leaving me with this. I hope you rot in hell, you selfish son of a bitch. I hope someone does to you what you’ve done to me. I hope someday you understand this kind of pain and I hope you look back and realize what good there was in me and in being with me. I hope that someday you fall madly in love with someone. I hope you spend years with her. I hope she drops your ass like a sack of shit, abandons you, moves on with her life, and acts as though you never meant shit to her. I hope you feel the way I feel at least once in your life. And I hope it fucking kills you.
Now, I can’t honestly say that I didn’t mean any of that. There are select few points in there that I do sincerely mean. However, they are taken slightly out of context and phrased very poorly. I apologize. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this much…bitterness…resentment…hatred toward anyone in a very long time. And I can’t help it. I try to talk myself down, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt (I know He is a good guy, it’s just my incapability to deal with the seperation, right?), and then at some point I can’t fucking handle it. I become so painfully lonely and miserable that I can’t handle it anymore and it mutates into some sick, heartless rage. Like at this point I’m not sure if I ever want to be friends with him. He was my best and pretty much only friend for a very long time, and it’s very difficult to adjust to that loss. For me, at least. He meant more to me than anyone ever has outside of family and I feel like I got royally fucked. I’m pretty much just pissed off. And mostly at him. I don’t know if it’s fair (it’s not), and I know it’s not nice. But there it is.
How dare you.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, Ramble, Rant, Why why why?
What I love more than already being in a piss-poor mood is essentially being stood up by friends when they know I want to go do something. Yeah yeah, I’m going to rant and whine and whatever. Fucking sue me. I think I’m not completely unreasonable for being pissed off that my “best friend” basically dropped off the face of the planet just because her boyfriend came into town. After we had already talked about doing something tonight – including him. It’s bad enough that I really don’t WANT to leave the house, but once I finally find a decent mood and want to go out and do something at least so that I’m not so fucking alone, everyone seems to be too busy doing something else. I’m just tired of it. All it does is make me feel even more alone and abandoned, and all I can think is that if I were still with He I wouldn’t be having this problem. Which in turn makes it that much worse because then I remember how sad I am about him and how irate I am toward him. Now the rant takes a turn.
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out” is the most fucked up thing I’ve heard him say for quite some time. Really? REALLY? Like, I’m sorry that I took four years from you and now that it’s over I don’t really seem to give a fuck at all and oh, I will be sad, but my emotions are so fucking retarded that I have to wait until you start to get over it before I can break down about it? Like, those things? And honestly, I don’t think I should be mad at him, but I’m bitter, because the way the situation has turned out, I’m just feeling like he didn’t want me and then I dive into this disgusting pool of self-deprication that just makes everything worse. I honestly don’t even really know how to feel anymore. I decided talking to him was not a good idea so I’m working on not doing that, but it’s hard because he is my best friend and I’m lonely. I feel like a part of me is gone forever and I haven’t figured out how to operate the same without that part. And I suppose that’s the thing; I have to learn how to operate in a new way, but that’s hard and I don’t want to.
I want to know why you can’t be sad until I start to be happy.
I want to know why you don’t want me.
I want to know if you know how much emotion you took from me, and if that means anything to you.
I want to hug you and kiss you and have you be mine again.
I want to feel like someone is there for me whenever. You took that from me.
I want to feel okay about myself instead of feeling completely inadequate.
I want to be happy.
I constantly feel like there is a huge pressing weight on my chest. Most days it is pretty difficult to breathe, let alone get out of bed (err…off the couch), and I guess that’s why I’m so pissed of that none of my “friends” seem to realize that it’s a big deal that I actually want to do anything.
I want to just cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie with you. I miss that.
I miss you.
I don’t want to play anymore.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?
I’m really not in a good mood. It seems that is the case more often than not, and that in itself is pissing me off. Guh. I’m feeling all teenage-angsty I guess and it’s not cool. I need to just get over it but I’m so damned bitter.
Hold your breath.
It’s to the point again where I have so much to say, or at least so much to bitch about, and I either don’t have the words or the energy to say (type) it all. That’s pretty fucking ridiculous, but there it is.
I just want a best friend. Everyone around me has this great friendship where they’re totally tight with someone, and I don’t have that. Well, I do, but we’re going to break up very soon, and then we probably aren’t going to be around each other all that much.
Stoked.
I just want to cry a lot or just fucking destroy something/someone.
I’m leaning more toward the latter.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not doing too well, and as much as I like to put off dealing with or acknowledging that fact, it’s beginning to become prevalent and insistent. I don’t know what I need to do to be happy, and as much as I’m bitching about change lately and how much I don’t want it, I think I do. I constantly feel like something needs to happen. Something needs to change. To be different. I feel like my life is in some sort of rut of mediocrity and I am so beyond tired of it that I don’t know what to do. I am aware that I need to take control of things and make something happen if I want them to change, but at some point I just don’t know how to do it. Or I just don’t have the energy. I’m lost.
Every time I think about He, I want to burst into tears. I want to cry until the hollow ache in my chest goes away, until the feeling of dread dissipates. But it’s not going to. He treats our imminent breakup as though it isn’t something important, as though it doesn’t need to be talked about or thought about. Perhaps in a way he’s right. But I’m right too. I’ve got a lot of emotion invested in him and his behavior upsets me. This is not petty to me. He is frequently doing things that really shouldn’t bother me, but they are, and it’s breaking me down. Specifically his nonchalant attitude toward me and his hanging out with his female friends in date-like situations. He does things with his girl friends that he doesn’t do with me. In fact, we never do anything. We’ve done a few things lately, but the more time passes the more it just feels to me like we’re just good friends who have sex. Honestly, and I try very hard not to feel this way because I want to believe it isn’t the truth, I feel like he’s less interested in me than he is in the fact that he can have sex with me. I know that’s really harsh, but that’s sort of how it feels. Everything is sexual. When we hang out I hear more about my tits or my ass than I do about anything else about me. It’s nice, I suppose, but I’ve spent a very long time needing more than that and he knows it. I guess I’m just insecure and jealous and whatever, and that’s why I get so upset about these little things, but it’s that much worse when it’s things he knows bothers me and he does nothing to avoid them or not do them. I think maybe I’m off-base here, but that’s just how it feels to me. I’m so torn up about the whole retarded situation and I just want it to be different. Or easy. Or good. Something other than what it is at the moment. I guess I just wanted it to be perfect before it was over.
I’m constantly feeling inadequate physically. I am not comfortable, I guess, with how I look, and I’m not entirely sure how to go about doing something about it. As soon as I get back to school, I’ll pack on the weight again, even if I lose some this summer. I don’t think I’m fat. But I have a really hard time when everyone around me is thin and whatever. It’s the ideal that’s killing me.
I hung out with my mom today and kind of realized why I don’t like to. Don’t get me wrong, she’s my mother and I love her. I just don’t need the guilt trips and the snide comments and all the bullshit she dumps on me. I have no room in my life for people who are going to treat me that way. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes in the past, but I’m not constantly rubbing her face in hers. I wish she’d grow up and get over her shit because I’m tired of hearing it. Harsh, but true. I don’t need it. Period.
I think I’m going to start looking for a different job. I was thinking about it a lot today and the gas station is sucking the fucking life out of me. I don’t get paid enough for that.
I guess that’s it for now. I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I just want to feel like everything is going to be okay. Or at least have a few hours of not thinking about any of it. I just need a damn break.
You’re too young to be this empty, girl.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Why why why?
I am still exhausted.
I’m trying to figure out why it is that every summer I keep going back to the gas station for work. I know it’s because I know I can get a job there no matter what. I know it’s because I don’t have time to look for another, better job and I don’t have time to waste because I need money. But the way things are going, those really aren’t good enough reasons for me. I seriously need a better job because I’m getting really tired of being just about the only person in that place that gives a fuck about actually working. I generally do about 85% of the work and I’m tired of it. Plus, my feet hurt. A lot. But that’s because I need new shoes. Oh. And I need new pants, because the only pair that I have that fit me have holes in the crotch. Why can’t I just win the lottery? I can’t even comprehend how much money 192 million IS.
Ugh. That’s all. I’m getting really anxious about my dad’s fiance and her daughters coming, too. That’s coming up fast. I don’t even have a bedroom. Good god…ugh.
That’s all for now. I don’t really just want to go off on some sort of “pity me” rant so I’m done.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
I’ve pretty much maxed out on how much I can handle.
I’m ready to fucking kill something, or someone. Whichever gets in my way first. I can’t wait to get the fuck out of school, away from these people.
It’s rage because I don’t want to deal with pain anymore. I’m just really sick of being fucked over. I’m sick of the fact that I’ve spent three years trying to develop meaningful friendships, and I have none. Okay, I’ve got one or two people outside of He, but those aren’t the people I’m talking about. I’m talking about the people I knew before I even fucking came up here for school, who now treat me like a fucking piece of shit. I’m done. It’s senior year all over again, and I don’t want to do it. But I guess I don’t have a fucking choice because people are SHITBAGS.
I can’t even really think coherently right now because I’m fucking livid. I literally want to hit something so hard that I break bones in my hand. I don’t care. I don’t fucking care anymore.
I’m over it. I’m so. Fucking. Over. This bullshit.
Filed under: Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’ve had a fucking awesome day. Want to hear about it? Good. I woke up with a fucking horrendous cough, which means I’m getting sick, out of the fucking blue. Great. I go to the mall with Housewife, hanging out pre-going to get my taxes done, and I buy a green tea from Starbucks. I then go to Pretzelmaker and get some Pretzel Bites, and as the guy is handing me the cheese sauce, I dump my pretzels everywhere. He gives me some more, I sit down and start to eat them, and take a drink of my tea, and proceed to burn the ever-living FUCK out of my mouth. Then, Housewife and I go to get my taxes done, and as it turns out, I OWE the IRS, thanks to my dad claiming me and the University giving me scholarships. WHY IN THE FUCK are scholarships taxable? That makes no goddamned sense to me. On top of that, it was somewhere around 90 dollars for the lady to do my taxes. Fortunately for me, she was a fucking amazing person, and didn’t charge me, and didn’t file my taxes. She suggested that because I’ve done it before, I could risk not reporting my scholarships, in which case I will just get my full refund. So. We’ll see about that.
I know it really wasn’t that bad, but today just feels like a huge clusterfuck of shitty. On top of everything, it’s STILL snowing, which does absolutely nothing to improve my mood. All I have, I guess, is that everything is just a goddamn joke, and tomorrow it will all be okay. I’m hoping that life’s just pulling one hell of an April Fool’s Day prank on me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?
Sometimes I find myself feeling violently irate. As in I just want to scream at someone at the top of my lungs. I want to obliterate someone with words, just so I can feel better, or less angry. I’m just so fucking pissed off, and I cannot for the life of me discern why. I’ve been thinking about it, and I really can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just a compilation of a whole mess of things that have been bothering me, and they’ve finally built up to the point that I want to rage. I’m going to say that’s probably it, just because I can’t think of anything else. Maybe I should just rant. Maybe I will.
If it’s not one physical ailment or issue, it’s another. First, I was sick. Nasty, don’t want to get out of bed but I HAVE to go to class and oh god, now I want to die sick. When I got over that, I got a fucking sty. A STY. What a goddamn pain in the ass. It was unpleasant, and I had to put this goopy, greasy medication in it that made it difficult to see. Then, finally, that goes away, and what do you know? Hello, yeast infection! I’m so glad you decided to have a little party in my vagina without my consent. Not only is this uncomfortable and disgusting, but it disables my sexual pursuits, which in its own right is enough to piss me off. So, thank you, body, for being a fucking dicksack, and constantly bombarding me with ridiculous and irritating symptoms rather than just taking a day off and letting me be healthy.
Fucking money is the most bullshit thing on the planet. Even more bullshit than money is the tendency of institutions to charge absolutely absurd amounts of it for most commodities. Someone, please, tell me why the FUCK I am paying for an education. Explain to me, please, why I am paying thousands of dollars for less than adequate food and housing, and why I am forced to pay for health insurance via the university that covers NOTHING. The whole system is fucked, sincerely, and I would love for someone to demonstrate otherwise. Really. Please, please enlighten me. If you can refute the fact that the vast majority of the money I dump into this institution goes to athletics, you will have my interest, at least. But you CAN’T. FUCK. I’m just really, really tired of throwing away money. Yeah, yeah, I know. Welcome to being an adult, and all that bullshit. And that’s exactly what: BULLSHIT.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING in this relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love He. I really, really do. I find him incredibly attractive. He is intelligent, humorous, and I sincerely enjoy spending time with him. I have a very difficult time with the idea that I’m wasting my time with him, because as much as I don’t think I am, or don’t feel that I am, a part of me keeps insisting that, in all reality, that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s basically a long and (mostly) enjoyable road that leads indefinitely to nowhere. So why the goddamn fuck am I so floored? There are so many aspects of the relationship that are so fucked, also, and I just keep smiling because I like being around him. What the fuck is wrong with me? And talking to him about this is virtually impossible, because I’m just an over-emotional psychotic bitch that doesn’t listen to reason and can’t validate any of my points. Yeah, I think that’s just about how it goes. I try to argue my point (because it does always end up being an argument), and I’m wrong. Why? Because he said so. Unless I’m being cute, and then he’s just a whole lot nicer while still inferring that I’m wrong or by ignoring the point completely. Everything I feel is like a fire to He, I think. Most of the time he just dances around it, but sometimes he throws in a log or two. I don’t think it’s ever occurred to him that maybe he would get burned less if he attempted to help in putting it out. FUCK.
That’s all I got. All I want to do is bitch. A lot. I feel like I suck it up all the time because people want me to be nice, and cool, and collected. Relaxed and whatnot. I would be if I could just be myself without being told that I’m fucking crazy and needy. That’s basically all I hear, from just about everyone I know, and more specifically the people I care very much about (with a few exclusions). Fuck that. Fuck this. At some point I need to just get a fucking grip and be secure enough in myself to not give a shit what people think. But at this point, I do, and I’m fucking tired of them disliking me or things about me simple because they’re things that aren’t fucking sunshine and rainbows all the time.
I’m so over this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Why why why?
Today was a pretty fucking rough day. College is raping me. I don’t mean that in the sense that it’s hard. I don’t mean that in the sense that it costs a lot. I mean that in the sense that I came to college with a passion, with drive, and college is forcefully taking that away from me without my consent.
I just feel fed up. Pretty much with everything. I’m becoming more and more irritated at Spooner because he’s right. I’m fucking crazy and needy. Emphasis on the crazy. Or maybe on the needy. Either way, I’m not 100% self-sustaining, and lately, making everything seem okay isn’t as easy as I’m used to it being. That’s what I get for letting down the walls. I’m fucking loney, as hokey as that sounds, and it’s difficult. Inexplicable, and difficult.
I want my sister to come and see me just as badly as she says she needs to. I need a breath of fresh air.
I’m frustrated with my relationship. It’s good, for the most part, at least a lot better than it was for quite a while, and it has maintained that goodness. I’m frustrated sexually, and not in a good way. Blugh, I don’t even want to deal with it. There’s nothing I can really do about it, and that makes it even more frustrating.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don’t even know.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I feel useless. Pointless. Frustrated.
Not only do I not even have a real home anymore, but it feels as though I have become less to my family. My brother got married, and I am incredibly happy for him, but the talking/sharing he once did with me has all but disappeared. The same with my dad. I can’t help but to feel as though my sister-in-law has replaced me not only in my brother’s life (as a confidant) but also in my father’s. Though I try my hardest not to feel this way, it becomes increasingly difficult when I find that he does talk to her about things and refuses to talk to me about the same things. I can admit that I am feeling a little sorry for myself, but truthfully, I feel as though I’m being slowly nudged out of the picture in regards to my own family, and that idea is devastating to me. My family – my father and my brother – are all I’ve ever had. They’ve been my best friends. And anymore, it just feels like I’m becoming less and less important in their lives. I just don’t really know how to handle that. I suppose that a lot of my feeling this way has to do with my inability or difficulty with letting go of my “mother” duties; after my parents divorced, I was the woman in the house. I’ve always taken care of my dad and my brother, and I’ve always been there for them. I used to feel so privileged that my brother would open up to me and talk to me about how he felt. He doesn’t do that anymore, and the wall that’s building between us in that respect is not something it is easy for me to accept. The same with my dad, especially because I am daddy’s little girl, and feeling as though I’m being replaced – especially in that position – kills me.
Basically, I don’t feel like anything in my life is working FOR me at this point so much as things seem to be working AGAINST me. I know that a lot of it is my own fault, or at least that there are things I can do to better if not rectify certain situations, but I’m so emotionally exhausted with how shitty things have been that it’s so much easier to just go belly up to it all. I’m tired. I’ve always been tired. And so what, so I complain a lot. I’m a bitch a lot. Fuck you. I know a lot of people have it much worse than I do, but I can only take so much before I begin to question it all and get bitter at the fact that things are constantly shitty.
Truth be told, I feel incredibly alone. I have for quite some time, and the more time that passes, the stronger the feeling gets. I simply have a very difficult time feeling that way, and it makes me act the way I act because I loathe being vulnerable. I’m tired of being alone.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Why why why?
The seams have finally burst.
I have finally reached maximum capacity, and all the stress, worry, and everything else you can imagine has caught up to me.
I’m freaking out. I’ve been really down for the past couple weeks or so, and then at some point last night, something snapped. I keep crying hysterically for what seems to be no real reason. Sure, maybe something small instigated it, but not something that warrants all-out, uncontrolled hysterical fits of bawling.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But it’s not good, and it needs to go away. I feel crazed. Out of my mind, out of control. I literally feel as though I am spiralling a (the?) drain.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m tired of feeling like how I feel is stupid just because someone else doesn’t agree with it.
I don’t invalidate your feelings. Don’t do it to me.
Don’t get impatient and rude just because you don’t like how I feel or what I’m saying. That’s hurtful.
Where’d that guy I met over the summer go? I liked him. He made me feel immaculate. He was never mean. He was never cold. He never made me second-guess myself. He had nothing but love for me.
And don’t get pissed off when I’m sad because you lied. Little white lies.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
Maybe I’m crazy. I don’t think I am.
I think I don’t have anywhere to dispose of all my emotions. So when any come out, they’re met with hostility or unfriendliness because they’re random.
I feel stifled.
Anyone would drown in this.
I’m still holding my breath.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit, Why why why?
I play a game. It’s a lot like Hide-and-Seek.
I hide from life, and life seeks me.
I continue to get better at finding spots that life can’t find me in. But that just makes it that much worse when life catches up and does find me. Though rather than life finding me and simply grabbing me playfully, declaring “I found you!” it has turned into life finding me, grabbing me by the hair and thrusting me to the ground, where it proceeds to kick me in the stomach until I’m vomiting blood.
I don’t like it when reality catches up to me and I’m forced to stare at my life for what it is; a bleak and vapid emptiness that scares the hell out of me because there is nothing ahead. I have a grand total of 30-some-odd dollars in my bank account. I have no means of income, a family that (for the most part) is just as financially lacking as I am, and a boyfriend who spends too much money basically supporting me in general. I need quite a few things from the store, and I can’t buy them because I have so little money to get me through until January. JANUARY. The worst part about this is the fact that I know it’s going to work out; money issues always do. But I’m tired of feeling panicked and stressed because I don’t know when something will go wrong that requires more money than I have. And my dad (and everyone else, for that matter) would tell me to get a job, but it’s not that simple. Yea, I only have classes two days a week. But I also have a metric shitload of homework that goes along with those classes. I constantly have something to read or something to write, and I know for a fact that a job, despite being financially lucrative, would be detrimental to my schooling. I already have a C in one of my classes (it’s a big deal to me – shut the fuck up), and having to focus my energy on school AND a job (even if it was only like two days a week) would fucking drain me. I’m one of those people that has to give their all, no matter what they’re doing. I bust my ass in school, and I bust my ass at whatever job I have. The catch is that I can’t bust my ass at school AND at a job. So don’t bust my ass at my job, right? Just go, get it done, whatever? Sorry, no. I can’t do it. I’ve tried before. I was brought up better than that. Even if I hate my job, I give it all I’ve got. But I need to give school all I’ve got. Regardless, I suppose I’m mostly just pissed off because college fucked me. I busted my ass to get a 4.0 with the idea that I would get some pretty nice finanical aid as reward, but apparently only first and second-year students are rewarded for good grades. So what little money I did get this semester went mostly to books, and that left me with very little left over, and now I’ve basically got shit. Essentially, in a nut-shell, I’m tired of scraping the bottom of the barrel. One of these days I’m going to scratch my way right through and I’ll hit rock bottom, and then what?
I’m also stressed as fuck about my dad. It’s stupid, but I can’t help it. Thinner moved out after lying to him and fucking around in some very immature and incredibly inconsiderate ways, and he’s pretty torn up about it. As much as he likes to deny it, my father can’t stand being alone. My brother and his girlfriend are moving in, and that’s good, for my dad’s sake (and probably my brother’s, too), but that in itself brings up another huge issue that’s eating away at me. I now have nowhere to live. My brother and his girlfriend just moved into my room, so I’ve got nothing. The whole predicament arises at the fact that my car broke, and once my dad “fixes” it, it’s sold (so I’m looking forward to that chunk of cash, but who knows when that will be [which isn't bitching; my dad is a busy/broken guy, I'm not about to get on his ass about fixing it sooner]) – leaving me without transportation. This means that this summer (it’s not entirely stupid that I’m thinking about summer already) I need to have somewhere in town to live, because there’s no way I can expect my dad or my brother to drive me to/from work, nor can I walk or ride my bike every day. And I essentially have nowhere in town to live that offers the same benefits as living with my dad. I didn’t have to pay rent. That’s a huge deal, especially considering that I need to be saving my money for a new car and for bills, etc. I’m sure that I could talk to my mom and work something out, but I really don’t want to live with my mom. I love her, but I can’t deny that spending three months living with her would turn into hell. We butt heads a lot. I mean, I stayed with her for about a month this last summer, and we ended up having what I consider to be silent feuds. I love her, I do. But I can’t live with her for extended periods of time because, essentially, we piss each other off; she gets on my nerves and I’m a rude, hurtful bitch toward her.
Really, oustide all the bitching (really, I’m kind of irritating myself at this point), what it all boils down to is I literally feel like my life is falling apart. I’m going to have to ask my roommate if I can use her fucking shampoo. That’s how bad it is (that doesn’t seem bad, but it’s not like I can use her shit from now on…). I just feel like I’m being forced to be a grown-up AND a college student, and it’s not that it can’t be done, it’s that I wasn’t ready for it. I haven’t been expecting that, I’m not used to that, and I don’t want to do that. I haven’t HAD to do that. Truth be told, I’m scared. I’m scared shitless that this is the rest of my life.
And I’m pretty fucking ill-prepared.
Every time I say this, I don’t know what it means, but it is exactly how I feel: I want to go home.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
I feel as though I am rapidly nearing the end of my rope. And by my rope, I mean my sanity. My ability to use my stress as fuel. My apathy has gotten the better of me. For the last week or so, I’ve been done. Checked out. I’m tired of college. I’m ready to be finished. I suppose I don’t have a lot of work (though this week it seems like I do; there are huge projects due for my classes), but once again, I find the constancy of my assignments is what’s killing me. Yea, sure, cool, I have four day weekends. But I constantly feel as though some sort of impending doom is pressing down on me. I have absolutely no ambition to do anything because I’m always doing something, and all I really want is a few moments to do nothing. And I’m talking the kind of do nothing where it’s actually enjoyable because I don’t have the nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that there are things that I should be doing.
Having my dad up here (which was awesome, btw) really heightened these feelings. His being here made me realize that much more how much I miss being home. How much I miss all of my friends (even though that means missing retarded drama and dumb underage bitches/whores). I’m guessing it’s just that time of year when my mood sloppily slides from moderately content to complete and utter moroseness (is that a word? I’m too lazy to look it up). Realizing that makes it all that much worse. I’m not ready for the cold.
College has so raped me of my once-vibrant passion for writing that I barely have enough resolve to write a blog. Hence why it’s been so long. I’ve been beat over the head with rules and standards and the idea that my writing is less than mediocre (workshopping writing is the worst idea EVAR) that I have no desire to do it anymore. I know I’m going to just suck it up and get through it, because that’s what I do, but I don’t want to. I’m tired of it.
But at least it gives me something to bitch about, and we all know how much I love complaining (or so it seems).
EDIT: RockBandQueen, I do care about your Halloween costume. I think you should do something that is comfortable for you, and something you think is awesome. Fuck what everyone else says.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit, Why why why?
Le sigh.
It’s been a long weekend (yes, Monday is part of my weekend). I find myself in some sort of rut where I really don’t want to do anything while simultaneously freaking out because I have a huge test tomorrow that I fear I am going to epically fail. And I need to shower. And I need to do laundry. And I need to clean up my fucking living room (thanks suitemate, you’re a fucking asshole). And I need to rearrange my room so my dad can fit in it. And I need to do so much fucking schoolwork that sort of crept up on me (I didn’t procrastinate, I just seem to forget about it and then remember at the last minute when I don’t feel like doing ANYTHING). I essentially got drunk three nights in a row, and then proceeded to lose my fucking cell phone (not necessarily because I was drunk. It was a situation, I suppose, that I do not feel like explaining).
I feel alien to my own skin.
I want to write a blog. But I really have other things I should be doing. I shouldn’t have even done this much. I shouldn’t even be online. I should be buried in books.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Well shit, Why why why?
It’s been a while, and I would apolgize, but I can only think of one person that is even remotely interested in what I write here. So I suppose I’m not too concerned with mustering up the energy for a sincere apology.
This weekend, I did some terrible things to He, and I still feel like I’m going to vomit when I think about it. My actions were completely unwarranted (despite how I felt they were at the time…), and catalyzed by alcohol, the things that came out of my mouth were, are, and forever will be damnable. I was both emotionally and physically abusive toward He, and at this moment, I’m still not entirely sure why he still wants to be with me. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: He deserves better than me. Period. I will never forgive myself for what I did to him; the pain I caused with my ignorant alcohol-induced rage.
I may be getting sick, though my dad says it might just be allergies. Either way, I don’t want it, and I don’t like it. There’s enough going on that I don’t need to get sick. I just feel like shit in general anyway, so I’m not looking forward to the crappiness that will be how I feel if I do get sick.
I also need to say thank you to Poser (again) for being there for me this weekend while I was crazy and panicky and drunk. I think she gets tired of me (I know I would), and I appreciate that she was still there for me even though it was stupidly early in the morning and I was bawling and incomprehensible.
I thought I was going to have more to say. It seems as though I’ve lost all enthusiasm.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Well shit
It has come to my attention quite frequently in the past week or so that I miss my I-Feezy people. I miss Poser and quarterlife and Spooner and Saber and Robot and Red and everyone else. I’m tired of missing everything because I’m 600 miles away. The strain that distance puts on Poser’s and my friendship is incredibly difficult to deal with. We pretend that we’re going to overcome it every time I come back to school, and then we slowly slip out of contact and have no idea what’s going on with each other. UGH.
I still don’t have access to the fucking internet. ITS is a total piece of shit. When I called them on Monday and left a message, I expected to get a call back that night or maybe the next day. I tried again both Tuesday and Wednesday, and the fuckers called me back in the middle of Yoga on Thursday. When I tried to call them again, it rang and rang and rang until I got their bullshit voicemail AGAIN. So I’m just going to send them an e-mail and hope that works better.
I’m going to slit the throat of the next person I hear say something about Twilight. I’m SO FUCKING SICK OF HEARING ABOUT IT. Seriously. I couldn’t even get through the first few pages of one of those books. And yet it’s goddamned EVERYWHERE. I really don’t even know why it bothers me so much…but I don’t want to fucking hear about it.
I cannot wait until I am 21. Period.
Still have an “epic” blog coming up. Just have to find the right mood and the time, and in correspondence.
“I’m also torn between telling Agent Sculley certain details about that group of people, or not to and to just let her believe that they are really her friends.”
I’m sure I might be misconstruing some things, but at the moment, I’m just going to get it out, because I have a sick sinking feeling in my stomach.
I’ve always known something was up. And yet I cling to the stubborn belief that people aren’t assholes, and that deep down somewhere, there’s more to people than superficiality and apathy. I guess, and this is pathetic, that at some point, I deal with the abuse (that I never get directly but am always peripherally aware of) because I really just want some real friends. Because I’m tired of having only one or two people oustide of my immediate family that I feel like I can relate to and get along with. I’M NOT A BAD PERSON. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. And if anyone ever has a fucking problem with me, they need to have the fucking spine to say it to my face instead of pretending to be my friend and then talking shit or whatever when I’m not around. However, if they do talk it to my face, they also need to be willing to have a mature fucking conversation about it, because I will not tolerate people having preconceived and usually false notions/ideas about me. An opinion is one thing; that cannot be refuted. But people who have a problem with me because they’re too fucking lazy and shallow to actually get to know me deserve to be slapped. Anyone who is like that with anyone deserves some sort of reprimand. FUCK.
Le sigh.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I loathe being irritated about things that, in all reality, don’t bother me. I’m more irritated at the fact that he’s saying shit than I am about the shit he’s saying, if that makes sense. When I was told about it, I just thought about it for a minute, and, truth be told, it’s true. I am just a girl he messed around with and didn’t want anything else with. And I was fully aware of that. I had no problem with that. But it’s childish and immature to talk about it the way I have heard he has been talking about it, and that’s what gets to me. Sooner or later I’m going to get over it, but for right now, it’s crawling around under my skin, and it makes me fucking irate. Ugh.
Oh well.
Money makes me want to rip out all of my hair. Or cry for the rest of my life. Someone buy me a car. Please.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
All I want to do sometimes is curl into a little ball and cry. Not necessarily because I am sad, but because I am tired. I am fed the fuck up with my job, with money, with my car, with all the fucked up situations with “friends” and “lovers” and “one night stands.” I can’t wait to be finished working for the summer, and to get my financial aid figured out. All I really want to do is get in my car and drive; get lost in the passing of the outside world and just let myself think. But alas, I cannot, because my car is still broken. It’s been almost a month since I have driven a vehicle to my satisfaction. I’m tired of feeling like I have no way to vent. And every single day that I walk into work, I wait for something to go wrong. I put off going into the cooler for as long as possible because I know that the fucking retards I work with are so conveniently incompetent as to have fucked it up the night before. And yet I bust my ass each and every day I’m there for too little pay and massive underappreciation. And then am filled with resentment. I need to chill out or be lazy. Either way, I have the feeling I will still be greatly dissatisfied.
I have to say, I breathed a sigh of relief and surprise when Spooner texted me back tonight. For some reason, I felt as though he was going out of his way to avoid me, which for a while was understandable, but then was simply painful considering he is my friend and I care about him. Regardless, I’m over it, and I’m just glad that he’s talking to me, at least. That’s all I really wanted.
He and I are fighting quite frequently lately, and it’s bothersome. At times I question whether or not reconciliation was a great idea; at times I feel like we’re friends trying to be lovers. There are so many things that I feel concerning He and myself, and not all of them are positive. He is constantly telling me that he wants me to open up to him, and it’s frustrating. It’s not that I’m completely guarded, but I am aware that I am cautious. I keep certain aspects of myself to myself, and I don’t particularly feel like sharing those aspects with anyone. The only person I ever really talk to about those things is Poser, and it’s not because I don’t trust He, it’s just because I don’t feel like some things need to be talked about with/to him until I have them completely worked out in my head. I get the impression that I cause He a lot of pain, and in general, adapting to the new version of our relationship is incredibly difficult. To be blunt and perfectly honest, there are times when I do wish that I were still single. Sometimes I wonder if getting back together with him was the right thing to do. It’s nothing personal against him, it’s just that sometimes something inside me snaps and I feel like maybe I’m not 100% where I should be. Especially considering how I need to be with/to him in order for him to feel okay about things and be happy. Frankly, I feel a lot of pressure, and it’s difficult and frustrating. I deal with a lot of doubts and “what if” thoughts. I almost guarantee he will read this and think that I want to break up with him or that I have issues with him. I wish it were simpler to explain so that he could understand. I’m just not 100% sure where I stand right now. I’m really not. And honestly, that’s my bad, because I probably should be in order to contribute positively to this relationship.
I’m looking forward to the cabin this weekend. I hope it will just be a fun, worry-free weekend. I just want to hang out with my friends and have some stress-free time to figure out everything that’s been wreaking havok in my brain lately. Plus, I really really want to a.) go swimming and b.) drink a lot in the woods [campfire is optional].
This is not the blog I wanted it to be, but I really want to go to bed. Sleep has been evasive lately. I’m going to fervently pursue, then hold that bitch down and fuck her ’til she bleeds.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I feel like I have so much shit to do and no time or money with which to do it. School starts on the 25th of August, and I haven’t even paid for housing yet. My car is broken. I still need to figure out my financial aid. I only make enough money to pay my bills. I’m living paycheck to paycheck, and it blows.
I broke our essentially new lawnmower this morning. It’s fixable, but I have to pay for it. It’s just a fucking irritation that I really don’t want to have to deal with. I wanted to be done mowing the lawn by now. Weak sauce.
I feel as though I spend a lot of time complaining and not a lot of time doing anything to change things.
I complain about money, but I don’t work during school and I don’t bother trying to find a better job.
I complain about my weight, but I am too apathetic to work out.
I complain about my car, but I don’t take care of it as well as I should.
I complain about friends (or lack of), but I don’t make as much effort as I could.
I complain all the goddamned time, and I never do anything. I just wade around in my puddle of self-pity and bitterness until I fall into a deep spot and explode. Just once, even if for one day, I want things to be fucking perfect. I want to be able to be secure about my finances and responsibilities, and not feel like the world is against me.
quarterlife doesn’t hate me, and that makes me feel so fucking good I can’t even explain.
Once again, I feel like I have so much to say, but I can’t figure out words.
I’ll get back to you.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, WTF?, Why why why?
There are times when I feel so completely fed up that I don’t even have the energy to want to be tactful.
But I’m going to be. Minus the profanity.
I fucking hate my job. I fucking hate asshole people. I fucking hate money (or not having any). I fucking hate my car for CONSTANTLY fucking me, depsite my dumping into it two and a half times what I paid for it. I fucking hate having to deposit my check and then watch it disappear because of bills. I FUCKING HATE that despite all my efforts, I still only have one “real” friend. I fucking hate when bullshit piles up and I just get fucking angry. I want to hit something or hurt something. I want to scream at the top of my lungs until my voice is gone.
*sigh* Most of all, I fucking hate that the one thing that I’ve ever been halfway decent at constantly evades me. I fucking hate that I haven’t written a poem by my own free will in almost two years. I fucking hate that I’m unable to.
Again. Stifled.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
So, my phone took a fucking dive yesterday, and I have to wait until tomorrow to get a new one. What the fuck is the point of having insurance on my phone if I still have to pay a goddamned deductible of $50 to replace it? Money down the fucking drain, like always.
Which reminds me. My check was going to be super fantastic, and I was overly stoked about it, and then noted the fact that taxes ruin my goddamn life. It was still a decent check, but after paying for my phone, and then gas, and then having to pay the phone bill soon, I’m going to have very little money. Again. I’m so fucking sick of living paycheck to paycheck. I’m not even out of school yet, and the fucking adult life is raping me, hard.
Which reminds me. I don’t have enough money for school. I was going to call Financial Aid today, but I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING PHONE, so I can’t. I’m hoping that I can get some more money, otherwise I’m totally fucked. There’s nothing I can do. When am I going to start getting paid for my existance? That would be lovely. Just like, a nickel for every time I take a breath or something.
Ugh. I’m tired. I just want enough money to take care of everything without having to work my ass off for not enough money for anything. I’m tired of shit going wrong, and I’m tired of having to struggle to make ends meet. I’m 20 goddamn years old and I already feel like I’ve been working my entire life. I suppose bitching doesn’t really change anything, but every now and then I just get fed the fuck up. I don’t want to play anymore.
P.S. My boyfriend is adorable.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
The mighty, mighty culmination. Perhaps I’m too sensitive, or I get my hopes up too much. Whatever. It’s vent time.
I am fucking sick of people I consider to be my friends a) flaking out on me and b) seeming to avoid me. There are a few people that I really like leaving town soon, and I want to hang out with them before they go. However, they seem to be too goddamned busy to even talk to me, let alone hang out with me. Number one on that list is Spooner, which is frustrating. I don’t know what I have to do to prove that I have absolutely no interest in him as anything other than a friend, and I try to handle myself well in respects to him, but eating away at the back of my mind is the (probably correct) idea that he’s avoiding the hell out of me. I just want to fucking hang out with him (as well as Click) before he (they) leave(s). I don’t get why that’s a big deal. I’m just fucking tired of always ending up feeling like this, when all I want to do is fucking hang out with friends and have a few drinks. I don’t understand what the problem is. Someone, please, explain it to me, and soon, because I’m really tired of dealing with this bullshit.
I’m really not that bad of a person. I don’t know why everyone insists on making me feel like I am.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
I am thinking that at this very moment, I feel incredibly pissed off. Nearly livid.
I was headed home from hanging out with quarterlife and Robot, and B-Rex texted me, and told me to go hang out with him and drink. So I did. After making a joke about one of the girls there “knowing her place” (a type of joke I used to take violent offence to and have since eased up on because it is somewhat funny) and being met with complete and utter offendedness, I apologized sincerely to those who seemed most upset about it, and was told that “we were cool.” Not ten minutes later, B-Rex is being called into a huddle, and I can hear them talking about me needing to leave. So I put my beer down, excused myself to Right (who I haven’t seen since high school, what the fuck!?), and took off. B-Rex called me shortly after and asked where I was. I explained the situation to him. And now I’m just pissed off because people are fucking spineless drama whores who don’t have the nerve to tell a person to their face when they have a problem. Had I been aware that that joke was going to offend people, I wouldn’t have made it. Were they mature and realistic people, they would have realized that I didn’t mean to offend anyone, and considering that I HAVE NEVER MET THEM BEFORE IN MY LIFE there was no way I was to know that it would upset them, they would let it go. I’m beginning to get over it, but I’m still put off by the fact that people are such douchebags. I’m tired of those kinds of people. TIRED.
But I’m excited that B-Rex a. wanted to hang out with me and b. broke up with his immature slut of a girlfriend. All in all, it was a decent night, and despite my inital irateness toward dumbfucks, I’m good. Golden. WHAT THE FUCK EVER.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, PISSED, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
Today started out well enough for me, and then progressed rapidly into something far less than mediocre.
For some unexplainable reason, work slowly but surely began to fill me with more and more rage. I guess it began when ShitTits left early, and I went to check her timecard to make sure she didn’t fucking lie and say she was there for longer than she was. The bitch hides her fucking timecard, but thanks to my coworker, I found it. Not only did she lie about today, she has the thing filled out for the rest of the week, giving her a solid 70.5 hours that SHE DIDN’T WORK. This made me goddamned furious. Not only does she treat me like shit for no reason (I’m assuming [take this as arrogance if you want, that's not what it is] jealousy), but she’s fucking our boss out of money she’s not actually earning. Despite how incredibly shitty it made me feel to do so, I showed my boss when he came in. He didn’t say anything. But I feel like he should know. He’s too good of a guy for me to be okay with someone fucking him like that. After that (which still grinds on my every last nerve), customers started to piss me off. Naturally, working in a customer service environment, I put on my “people” facade, and I try to be nice and personable and whatnot to everyone. But it’s the little things that really get to me. When I hold out my hand and they throw their fucking change on the counter. When I say “good morning” and they look at me like I just slapped them. Or, the fucking best one: when they come in to prepay and proceed to tell me that they’re going to stop coming to our station beacuse, and I quote, “This prepay stuff is BULLSHIT.” I hate being held accountable for shit that isn’t my responsibility. I bust my ass day in and day out cleaning up after and taking care of people, and all they can do is fucking yell at me for having to walk ten fucking feet into the store to give me money for gas. GOD.
Going from violently pissed to very calm too quickly is like leaping into a hole and meeting the bottom much sooner than expected. It’s breaking both legs and feeling completely powerless and stupid. And yet I’m still bitter as hell. And I still want to hit someone or something so hard that it hurts me. I want to scream at the top of my lungs and collapse beneath the weight of how enraged I feel. And yet I also question whether or not how I feel is valid or justifiable. I have a tendency to automatically default to rage rather than walking myself through what it is that I really feel. But lately, it just seems like I’m fucking eating up all the bullshit in order to live up to some false pretenses about avoiding drama and being happy. And I think today was the breaking point, because I had to sit on my bed and stare at my bedroom floor, so livid that I was bawling, and think about everything in order to calm down. And it was nearly impossible. I just wanted to freak out; to hit something or break something or make someone feel pain. There is so much bitterness and hatred inside of me, and that frightens me.
Also, He called me today. He doesn’t want to not talk to me, and he’s not doing terribly well. However, I do feel that perhaps today’s conversation was one of if not the best we’ve had since the breakup. I said a lot of things I had been keeping myself from saying, and it felt good to get them off my chest and out in the open. It’s going to take time, but we are going to be good friends. He’s afraid that we won’t, and that’s just silly.
EDIT: Talking to He also fucks me emotionally. It’s difficult and painful, and I don’t know how often I can do it before I lose my goddamned mind.
And lastly, I am SO FUCKING SICK of money. All I do is spend money. And the nearly 60 dollars I spent on Sunday for something that I otherwise wouldn’t have needed irritates me more than anything, for reasons I can’t really understand. I’m over it, but I’m not, you know? I’m just tired of getting a fucking paycheck and watching it vanish within a few days thanks to bills and responsibilities. I want to get a tattoo. I want to get something for ME. And I don’t even have the money to pay for the things I am obligated to pay for. I crave a certain person and a certain bed so I can fall into oblivion and feel fine just being me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I have gone completely numb. Everything is in slow motion. There is no way for me to discern any emotion, any event, any thing.
I thought I had it together. I thought I was doing okay. And I suppose for the most part, I am. However.
He called me at least 3 times today, and texted many times on top of that. We were supposed to have coffee, and that fell through, but he told me what he was going to tell me anyway. We’re not going to talk. Or whatever. He’s going to try to not talk to me. For however long. It’s for the best, but something in me is reacting to that. I can’t put an emotion on it, because I can’t feel anything. I really can’t. I want to cry, and I can’t even do that.
I’m back to square one, but worse. I want to withdraw from the world. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t even want to watch TV. I just want to lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling. I want to lie dormant until whatever it is that I am feeling (or not) goes away. This too shall pass, I’m sure. But I could have gone without it. I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was your best friend. I didn’t know anything because you never told me. That’s it. That’s how I feel. I feel like I failed. I feel like a failure. I feel like your lack of communication during our relationship is my fault. I feel like I’ve let you down. I feel like something about me wasn’t enough for you to tell me the things that you can now. And I don’t want to know them. It’s too much. It’s too much that I’m your best friend. It’s too much that you think I lied to you. It’s too much that you want me to be as sad as I refuse to show that I am at times. It’s too much that you need me so much. It’s too much that you think I’m going to forget you, or replace you. It’s too goddamned much that we were miserable together and now we’re miserable apart. And I’m furious with you. I want to yell at you. I want to punch you. I want to rip my heart out and hold it in your face and make you see. Fuck you. That was yours. The whole thing. Without bounds, forever. And some part always will be. How dare you have the audacity to feel that I would EVER consider my time spent with you to be a waste. You were two and a half years of loving. Of sharing. Of companionship and friendship. Of intimacy and affection. I shared my life with you for two and a half years and how fucking dare you think I’m stupid for caring about you. You were the first person I gave my whole heart to, the person I gave my virginity to, the first person that I have ever let in when my entire being was telling me not to. How dare you have the balls to even consider feeling that I would ever forget about you. You, what I felt for you, and what you are to me are all irreplaceable. HOW DARE YOU make me feel as though I inadequately portrayed those things to you. How dare you.
The tears have now come. And the words are beginning to escape me. I feel like I’m sinking into a pool of gasoline with a lighted match in my hand. It seems inevitable that I’m just going to be consumed by flames, but I still have time to blow it out. At this point, I’m not entirely sure what I should do. I want to just get on with my life. I was doing so well. I was coping with it. And then He tells me all the things he told me tonight, and that shred of sanity that I was building evaporated into thin air. Poof, gone. I’m trying so damned hard to keep it together, for my sake more than anyone else’s, and I don’t know if I can. And the one person that I want to talk to, that I want to go to for support, I can’t. Spooner. That retarded premature trust and unexplainable “friendship” makes me want him. And I can’t. I won’t. Because he doesn’t deserve it. And all I fucking want is a hug. All I want is for someone to hold me and let me cry, or scream, or whatever. I just need someone to be there for me because I have no one. Poser’s there for me, and I love her for it, but that doesn’t cut it, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why I need a male’s comfort. But I do. Desperately. And at this point, I don’t have any real friends that are guys. I’ve kept them at a distance by being crazy or needy or seeming desperate, I guess. And I suppose I can admit that I am a bit needy and desperate at the moment. But only for the aforementioned gesture. I need to be more to someone than a girl with nice tits or a potential fuck. I need a male friend that will let me fucking be stupid for five goddamned minutes because I’m only so strong. I can only keep it together for so long without talking about it. I can only pretend to be okay or ignore it for so long. And then I have to do something, and if that something is fucking crying, so be it. It would be brief. Hard, but brief. I just need someone to give a shit. And I want it to be Spooner. But I refuse to ask it of him because I’ve been so fucking crazy at him already. But there it is. And that’s not going to go away either, and it contributes to the need for a goddamned hug.
I want to be friends with He. I am friends with He. But he needs me the way I need Spooner, and I can’t do it. I’m not emotionally capable of being for him, though I want to be, if not only because I’m that kind of person and that kind of friend. And it kills me. I feel guilty that I have to force him to do it on his own, though that is the only real way it can be done. I feel like I was doing okay, and then He grabbed a fistful of my hair and jerked me back down to the stifling, depressing pit I had just dragged myself out of. I was already there. I already went through what He’s going through. I spent two solid days in my bed, pathetic and bawling. Friends had to force me to leave the house, and I didn’t even care what I looked like when we did. I didn’t care about anything for two solid days. And then I started picking up the pieces and putting myself back together. Because that’s what you do. That’s what you have to do. I had to move on. I have to move on. And I will. But the shit with He today has gotten me so fucked up that I’m sure my brain has exploded, and I can feel the remnants dripping from the walls of my skull, forming a useless slop that sloshes around between my ears.
Someone please come through for me.
So I regain the strength to come through for myself.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
And I’m not making the right one.
I’m subtly livid at the moment. Why can’t we all just fucking grow up? Really! We’re all adults here. We can make out with and fuck whomever we choose, period. I’m not going to feel bad because someone has a problem with who I choose to make out with. I let other people live their lives whether or not I agree with the choices they are making, thus I expect the same respect. And yet I have to wage wars to maintain friendships because of fickle and childish reasons. WE ARE NOT IN HIGH SCHOOL ANYMORE so let’s stop acting like it. I can admit without hesitation that I have a tendency to revert to immature and ridiculous methods of action, but jesusfuck, I’m over it. I’m tired of all the fucking drama and bullshit, so for realsies, I’m out. I’m going to do what I want, when I want, with whoever the fuck I want. If that gets people pissed at me, so fucking be it. I’m not going to live my life according to other people’s standards.
Oh, by the way, I apologized a lot for slapping you that night (I’m aware that doesn’t fucking nullify it, but jesusfuck, I slapped a lot of people that night). Maybe you should get over it already (everyone else did!).
GAH I want to freak out. Thus I vent and calm down and will have a more rational post in perhaps an hour or when I wake up tomorrow. I’ve been gritting my teeth all night since this came up, and I’m fucking so TIRED of it that it automatically pissed me off. When in truth, it makes me really, really sad. Why people can’t just fucking talk to me when they have a problem blows my mind.
LET’S ALL GROW THE FUCK UP. PLEASE.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Well shit
UGH is the most descriptive word I can come up with for how I feel right now.
Rather than avoidance, my coping mechanism now seems to be allowing myself to be blatantly taken advantage of. I’m continuing with destructive drinking habits as well. I need to get my shit together.
However, at this point, it’s as though I’ve been transported through time back to my senior year of high school, and I’m so fucking fed up with the drama and bullshit that I’m pulling out completely. I don’t care if I come off as a bitch, I’m tired of people’s self-inflicted issues and drama and even more tired of being tossed into the middle of it. There’s a difference between being someone’s friend and allowing someone to walk all over you. I’m at that point where I’m just going to say fuck it and live my goddamned life. If I lose friends, so be it. I’m sure I’ll make more at some point. I’m exhausted with trying to make everyone else’s life perfect when they do nothing to help themselves. I have my own shit to deal with and it’s only getting burnt so long as I continue pushing it to the backburner.
The events of Friday night, as wonderfully needed and pleasurable as they were, have opened my eyes as well. I may be at an all-time low; allowing my desires to exploited for someone else’s enjoyment. I’ve always been somewhat of a mouth whore, and I’ll make out with whomever I please. But I have decided that no matter how badly I want to have sex, that’s a line I’m simply not recovered enough to cross. And if at some point too soon I allow that line to be crossed, I know I’m going to regret it. I’m not that kind of girl, and I will be forever ashamed if I become her. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy the situations that do arise with which I am comfortable. I’m acting like someone I don’t like, and tonight helped me realize that. Surprisingly enough, I went to a party tonight and drank only two beers. I was completely sober the entire night, and thinking about the way I’ve acted on previous nights made me angry. I have been acting very irresponsibly; making a fool of myself and doing things when inebriated that I wouldn’t do otherwise. I need to suck up my ridiculously aged insecurities and be secure in who I am. Because when it comes down to it, I’m all I’ve got, and if I keep tearing myself down, I won’t even have that. So I’m not fucking tiny and gorgeous. I’ve got other things going for me (obviously not intelligence, as Spooner has demonstrated on several occassions…), and if they’re not good enough for me, how can I expect them to be good enough for anyone else? I’ve met quite a few people in the last couple of weeks that have helped me realize that, whether though positive or negative means, and it’s awesome. I’m thinking I’m ready to pull my fucking head out again; somehow I keep shoving it right up my ass.
I don’t have to lower my standards for anyone, for any reason.
So I’m not going to anymore.
Also, fuck dumb drunk whorish bitches. I’m over it.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
And I hate it. Loathe it. Abhor it.
I’ve sunken into a quiet depression that I constantly ignore. And tonight, in the culmination of my confronting drama llamas shitting all over my life, I almost lost it. The depression reared it’s ugly head, and I nearly had a complete breakdown in the middle of Denny’s. I’ve come to terms with an overpowering feeling that makes me want to curl up into a little ball and cry for the rest of my life: I am alone. I constantly push away the people I care most about, and I don’t realize that I am doing it until it is too late. It took two and a half years for me to do it with He. And damned if my skills aren’t improving, because it only took about a week with Spooner. And I seem to be doing a hell of a job with quarterlife as well. It’s time for me to dump. Brutally honest, harsh, and unnecessarily dramatic. Ready, kids? Strap in for a ride.
He: My tactics for dealing with the end of what had become a normal part of my life are completely fucked up, and as much as they seem to be working, they’re not. Avoidance. That’s all I’m doing. I’m avoiding thinking about him. I’m avoiding admitting to missing him. I’m avoiding the whole situation, and doing such has prevented me from being a blubbering, pathetic idiot. But when it comes down to it, I’m miserable. I want to lay around and cry and wallow in self-pity. Because truth be told, my heart is broken, and I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t want to deal with that. And I know sooner or later I’m going to self-destruct because I am neglecting my personal repsonsibility to myself, and am attempting to “recover” in the worst ways possible. There is no possible way I’m ever going to get over it if I don’t face it and accept it. But I don’t have the strength, and I am terrified. I can’t do it on my own, and no one can do it with me. So I’m fucked. Truth? I’m not sad because we broke up. I’m sad because I am in love with him and our relationship was going nowhere fast. I’m sad because I am in love with him and that wasn’t enough. I’m sad because I wasn’t able to make an amazing man as happy as he made me, or, more importantly, as happy as he deserves to be. I’m sad because everything is eventual.
quarterlife: I love her dearly, I really do. But my brain has taken over and tough love has kicked in. I empathize with a lot of her situations. But my brain will not allow me to condone the poor choices she makes in order to deal with her problems. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. And then I forced myself to hear the delightful popping noise when the head comes out of the ass and starts breathing oxygen. More than any other friendship, my patience is being tested. I will not give up on her, and I am not judging her. I simply want more for her, and I want her to want more for herself. I am sure I am not the friend she expected or wanted me to be, and I feel bad about that. But I can only do so much. I can only be so much. And I know for a fact that my expectations are not too high, because she is a truly remarkable human being. It’s just infuriating watching her flail around while not realizing that about herself.
Spooner: Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can’t tell myself “I told you so” enough at this point. Prime example of my innate capability to create distance between myself and the people I desire to be closest to. Fuck.
The question I keep asking myself is this: What the fuck am I doing with my life? I’m not quite sure exactly what I mean when I ask that, but I really want to know the answer. Why am I refusing to deal with the loss I have just experienced? Why do I feel badly about everything that I do? Why does my stomach always hurt?
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
I wrote this three years ago, and somehow, it still makes sense.
“Fuck Your Fairytale Ending”
There is no happy ending
for this chaotic one-way love.
No fairytale,
no movie scene,
no happy rise above.
There is no course of action
for this confusing complex game.
No path to choose,
no road to take,
the feelings stay the same.
There is no quick solution
for this fire we allow to burn.
No air-tight space,
no water hose,
these scars teach us to learn.
There is no consolation
for this emotion misconstrued.
No happy end,
no fairytale,
just me and solitude.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
I am so, SO fucking sick of people being spineless. I know very few people who do not get loud when they’re drunk, and yet I am constantly singled out for it. Fuck people who don’t have the nerve to say it to my face or the common sense to tell me WHEN I AM BEING TOO LOUD in order for me to quiet down. How the fuck am I supposed to know it’s a problem if no one says anything? Jesus.
I’m frustrated with just about everything right now. I’m frustrated about having to work a shit job AGAIN this summer. That’s my own damned fault, but I still want to complain about it. I am discontent with the state of my friendships, and displeased with my life in general. I want something to be wonderful and perfect, and nothing is. To be honest, I’m not terribly pleased with the quarterlife-Spooner situation, and I don’t understand why. Being unhappy with it makes me even more unhappy simply because I don’t understand why it makes me unhappy. I hate my brain. I want to scream at the top of my lungs.
My world seems to be lacking something. I hugged He today and almost burst into tears. Why does it have to be so hard?
I’m tired of drama and bullshit. I’m tired of people being selfish and inconsiderate.
I’m tired of being so goddamned tired.
Filed under: Friendship?, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Ramble, Rant, Why why why?
This post, for all intensive purposes, is probably not going to make much, if any, sense.
My grandfather is going to cosign my loan. I’m fucking psyched.
I need to go home now. quarterlife keeps presenting the impending importance of our friendship development. I don’t care what happens. In my mind, she’s already my best friend. I’m not entirely sure I have the power to allow anything to get in the way of that. Ready or not, here I come. I’m more concerned about whether or not she is going to feel the same way. Welcome to the story of my life; a complete lack of reciprocation in terms of real, true friendships. I guess I’ll deal with that when we get there.
I’m tired of being fat. I’m tired of looking at pictures of myself when I weighed 120 and was attractive, and then realizing that I wear jeans 5 sizes larger now. I hate being a female, I hate college, and I hate stress. I hate my inability to cope without turning to gross amounts of food. Luckily I have a boyfriend who, for some unknown (perhaps the fact that he is, possibly, mentally unstable) reason, still thinks I’m the hottest thing since a space heater on the sun (that’s hilarious, by the way…think about it).
Ugh. I just want to go home. I don’t want to play grown-up anymore. This shit is not fair.
ALSO – a development that I am still somewhat uncertain about regarding Poser has been brought to my attention (via my myspace snooping [hey now, I like to think of it as "investigating"]), and I am fucking irritated that someone I cared so much for and had so much in common with could be (to put it harshly) such a dumb whore.
First I tried my dad. He didn’t have enough credit.
Then I tried my dad’s girlfriend. I haven’t heard from her in a couple weeks.
Then I tried by boyfriend. He doesn’t want to do it.
My boyfriend asked his dad. He’s not willing to do it.
Then I aked my mom. She can’t do it.
I didn’t bother asking my brother, I know he doesn’t have any credit.
My mom said to call my aunt. My aunt doesn’t have the credit.
My aunt said to call my grandpa. I’m waiting for a call back.
I fucking hate this. Why can’t someone with good credit just co-sign my goddamned loan?
I’m ready to pull my hair out.
Filed under: I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I'm crazy, Ramble, Rant
I’m tired of pretending like I have friends or that people give a fuck about me.
I’m tired of realizing that I really don’t have any genuine friends in college.
I’m tired of stressing about money all the time.
I’m tired of stressing in general, about everything, all the time.
I’m tired of smoking.
I’m tired of being so uncomfortable with myself that I seriously consider an eating disorder.
I’m tired of shitty sleeping habits.
I’m tired of shitty eating habits.
I’m tired of my apathy.
I’m tired of busting my ass in classes and getting Bs.
I’m tired of going to parties and then hating alcohol the next day, even if I’m not terribly hungover.
I’m tired of superficial, shitty people.
I’m tired.
I’m tired.
I’m tired.
I can’t even write anymore. I’m tired of having so goddamn much pent up inside, and having no way to get rid of it.
Ugh. I want to sleep for days.
GODDAMN IT.
If she steals this one from me, too, I’m going to kill myself. I’m not fucking kidding. I’m borderline furious right now. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK get your own fucking life and your own fucking friends.
Please.
Also, being this upset about it makes me incredibly unstable. Just FYI.
But I’m still fucking angry. I want to punch her in the fucking face.
…my stomach is killing me. I feel disgusting and it’s incredibly shitty, because I just want to be able to relax and feel good. But no. I’m constantly feeling like shit. I don’t get enough sleep and my eating habits aren’t much better. I’m tired of college, and I’m ready to go home so I can pretend to take better care of myself.
I feel linguistically constipated, and it’s sickening.
Filed under: Rant
I’m pretty much pissed off now. On March 25th, I finally took my car to the shop to be fixed. The next day, I talked to my dad, and he told me he would send me the part to fix it, because I was getting shafted on what the place would have charged me for it. So, I waited. I assumed that the part would get to me soon, but it didn’t happen, because my dad’s girlfriend didn’t send it. I talked to her a few days ago, and she said that she had sent it and that it should arrive (today). I just went and checked my mailbox, and THE PART IS NOT HERE. I’ve been calling the place and telling them that I’m going to bring the part on each various date, each time that I think or have been told it would be here, and I just feel like a giant douche, because by the time it gets here, my car will have been just sitting in their shop waiting for the part for TWO WEEKS. I’m not fucking impressed with how this is turning out. Hopefully they’re not charging me for the time that it’s been sitting there, because money’s going to be tight in the first place, and that would suck. This whole situation fucking sucks.
I’m goddamned tired of always worrying about money. Ugh.
Filed under: Rant
It has come to my attention that one of the (I dare to think it is important to note that she is a) freshmen in my Physics 100 class is a complete and utter moron. It seriously just gets to the point where I want to start yelling at her, especially when the professor has to keep telling her to stop talking with the people she’s sitting with, and then, right after we are told something, this dumb bitch pipes up with a question about what we were just told. I’ll give you a couple different examples.
Just today, we were talking about conduction, convection and radiation. While we were discussing radiation, we were given the example of the sun’s rays coming down to a bucket of water left outside. Of course, some of the rays will be absorbed into the water, and some will reflect off of it. Right after the professor explains this situation to us and why it happens, dumb bitch shouts out with “But why are some of the rays reflected off the water? Or wait…aren’t they all absorbed by the water? I don’t get it.” I mutter under my breath at this dumb whore, and although she irritates the fuck out of me, I do get some personal satisfaction at knowing she is a complete idiot and that I get to revel in that fact and make fun of her, if not only to myself. Example number 2 (this one is infinitely better):
About a week or two ago, we were discussing dark matter and the like, and the definition that was written on the board for dark matter was as follows: “hypothetical” form of matter made of unknown components. Does not emit or reflect light. The presence of dark matter is inferred(when she wrote this initially, this was spelled infered; she later added another [smaller] r in between the first one and the e) from gravitational effects of nearby visible bodies. She continues discussing things pertaining to this subject, when all of a sudden, dumb bitch throws out this gem: “Wait, so infrared is what we can’t see, right?” Our professor looks at her for a second, somewhat perplexed, and then answers the question. I immediately start searching the whiteboard for some reason why she would ask this question, when my eyes settle on the aforementioned ‘inferred,’ and I realize, amusingly enough, that dumb bitch is that much dumber than I originally thought.
I suppose that may not have been the case, but I’m pretty sure I’m right about why she asked that question. And I just really wanted to bitch about this girl because she makes me want to shoot myself in the face every time she opens her mouth.
Also, I’d like to note that I am highly fucking irritated that I don’t have a computer and I don’t think I’ll be able to afford one because I don’t even know if I can afford everything I need to be able to afford for school next year. Fuck money.
I think I’m done for now. I think.
