Filed under: Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I don’t know what I need to do differently (well, I suppose I do), but something has got to change. I’m getting really tired of getting up to go work out and being struck with the overwhelming need to vomit. So I dry heave a bunch, and then go lift weights, and dry heave a bunch, and then come back to my room, and then go to Bodysculpting, and dry heave a bunch, and work out, and then go actually puke (it’s mostly just bile, which, let me tell you, is tons of fun), and then work out more. Today I felt like I was going to pass out, and there were pretty little stars floating around in my field of vision for the better part of the class.
I know I just need to eat more, specifically breakfast, but it’s really hard, because eating breakfast makes me throw up, too (yes, I’ve tried it). I eat really well when I do eat, I just don’t do it often enough, I suppose. My dad seems to be pretty concerned about it, because I called him to ask him about what I could do or what was going on, and he asks me every time we talk if I’m still puking.
I suppose it’s the price you pay to look good? I can’t even really tell if anything is changing for me body-wise. I seem to have plateaued at 150, which is kind of depressing, but my pants are also too big for me, and there’s definition in my biceps and shoulders/back. I suppose living in my body makes it hard for me to judge the changes, if in fact there are many/any.
I really want someone to come cuddle with me and watch a movie.
And it’s been FAR too long since I’ve had sex or done anything even close to it. It’s good, but oh, oh, so fucking bad.
I want to go home. Two weeks.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I preface this with a sigh, because that is all I have.
My body aches. My mind aches. Everything aches. Everything is tired. I’m ready for this semester, at very least, to be over.
I haven’t had sex in a month, and though I take pride in that, it’s also extremely frustrating, in more ways than I care to address at current.
I’m going to run out of money, and that’s okay, I guess, but again, frustrating.
I really just want to get all my shit done so I can sit around with some “friends” and drink some beer and refuckinglax.
More when I actually have time.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I stumbled. People keep telling me that I’m too hard on myself, but I have an idea of how I want to be, and I’m not sticking to it very well. Granted, kissing isn’t sex. And it was very brief. But it still makes me look back and cringe. My stomach flip-flops. It’s a really harsh moment of “shit.“
But that’s okay. Because I have a lot to do in order to actually get the hell out of here. I have a lot of goals that I really, really want to reach, and I’m going to. Period.
Because I want it that badly.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, SEXXX, Why why why?
What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Doing.
I need to knock this shit off, and pronto.
Apparently, I don’t have the willpower I seem to think I have. God. Damn it.
This is coming to an end. I need to stop drinking, period.
I have better things to do.
I braved the bar solo last night. And several magical things happened. And I mean magical.
Firstly, Guapo insisted I sit at the bar so that I could “make friends” or be social or something, and that ended up pretty well. I did both.
Then, when it came time to go home (actually, once it was way past time to go home), Guapo wouldn’t take no for an answer, and walked me home, even though it was completely out of his way. And then he proceeded to be a complete gentleman. Many things could have happened last night, but they didn’t, because he’s pretty fucking amazing.
I’m being vague on details, and I’m sorry. But it’s been a while since I’ve run into a guy that can control himself as well as Guapo did. I think that’s pretty magical.
I’ve got more, but I have shit to do today, and I’ve already thrown too much of it away.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not entirely sure how I feel, or what I’m doing, or what I’m supposed to feel, or what I’m supposed to be doing, but I am resolute.
Thing have to change, at very least. I’ve gotten a handle on my uncharacteristic behaviors, with few slip-ups, and I intend to keep improving in that respect. I’m tired of having to torture myself the next day for actions that were ill-thought out or too quickly adhered to. It’s not so much what I’m doing, but why I’m doing it. So, I suppose, it’s actually both. Either way, I’m too exhausted to do it to myself anymore. I have far too much going on as it is, and I don’t need to focus my energy on how stupid I’ve been. I need to just knock it off. Developing self-esteem and self-respect should not be as difficult as I seem to be making it, nor should it happen in the ways I am endeavoring to achieve it. I believe that I can be happy without placating myself with a false sense of validation from temporary physical benefits. What I want cannot be substituted, and I need to make sure I remember that before I take my pants off, or whatever.
What I really need to do is buckle down and focus on school. It, on top of everything else going on in my life, is kicking my ass, and the apathy I feel toward it is not conducive to my success. It’s tricky for me, because I’m attempting to build myself a social network to inhibit the lonliness that consumes me, but that shouldn’t take away from the time I devote to school. And it does. So, apparently I need to work on that as well.
The frustrating part is that there is so much that needs to be done, and I am fully aware of it, and willing to do it, but I am so exhausted from having not done it that all I really want is to do nothing. Just lay in bed and sleep it all away. Because in bed, everything somehow seems better, minus the empty space next to me. Lonliness is like a violent rapist. There is no real struggle, because it just overpowers you. The more you attempt to struggle, or fight it off, the more it seems to enjoy violating you. The worse it gets. I’ve kind of taken to just laying there and letting it happen. Just get it over with. The real trouble comes from what results, the heaviness. I feel pregnant with the seed, the burden of lonliness. Abort, abort.
That is all, for now. I ache with the need to purge, but I need to find the words.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
Today may have been a breakthrough. Or tonight, rather.
I didn’t show my breasts to anyone. I didn’t have sex with anyone. I kissed a friend, but that is all. That is the extent of it. And I explained to him why I didn’t necessarily want to just be friends with benefits.
I’m progressing.
I feel good. That is all I want to say at the moment, because I need to go to bed. Now.
P.S. Nipping out really hard (as in it being REALLY fucking cold outside) is painful and slightly arousing.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
It’s a strange situation, really.
I’m fine so long as I’m not thinking about it.
And then I’m alone, and the world comes crashing down, and I’m sick to my stomach, and I can’t handle anything, and I want to freak out or punch someone or rip my hair out.
This is the dumbest bullshit I have ever dealt with. EVER.
And then I take it out on He, just because I blame him for how I feel, which is also dumb, but I can’t help it, because I’m so fucking bitter about the fact that I can’t make him love me. I want to do something huge, something epic, something amazing that will show him how important this is to me, how badly I want him, how different I am and it could be. But I feel like even if I walked through fire, it wouldn’t be enough. Nothing I do is going to be enough, and I don’t know how to deal with that. There’s a lot of complicated shit that goes with that, and I just…ugh. I can’t handle it.
Fuck my life. I’m doing okay, though. That’s good.
I think I’ve got roughly three guys “interested” in me, and that’s…difficult. I’ve been doing fairly well with staving off using them, though, and that’s good. I hang out with them, because they’re cool guys, but I’m not going to allow myself to give in to their interests purely so that I can feel better about how desperately unwanted and worthless I feel. Just because I ache to be wanted, loved, whatever, doesn’t mean I’m going to take advantage, regardless of what their motives are or how pure their intentions are. It’s just not something I want to do. Ever.
I’m tired of making everyone else miserable.
Moving on to step two.
Oh, and also, my phone isn’t here yet, and if it doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to fucking RAGE. Because I have to go to Verizon to get the service switched over, and if I don’t get there before they close…oh my god. So grumpy.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I need to knock it the fuck off.
What the fuck am I doing to myself?
I don’t know if it’s alcohol, or just my blatant disregard for myself due to a lack of self-respect, but I am doing things that aren’t characteristic of me. Again. Granted, some part of me does want to do them, hence why I do, but I don’t think that they are things that are conducive to my getting better. I’m okay, I think, for the most part. And then…and then I do something that makes me feel cheap and disgusting the next morning, and I’m sick to my stomach with guilt, and I’m not sure why I feel guilty at all. Because I know it’s wrong? Because I know I probably shouldn’t have done it, and whatever reason I have FOR doing it isn’t good enough? “Because I wanted to” isn’t a good enough reason for me. It is, but it’s not.
I feel like I’ve lost my fucking mind, and that’s the hard part. I’m on a quick road to destruction, and I need to grab the wheel and pull a sharp U-turn. And I recognize that, but don’t seem to be able to do it just yet. I feel like I should withdraw from the world, because my participation in it is doing me more harm than good at this point.
It’s time, for real-real, to get my shit in order.
It starts today.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Sometimes I feel like my best option is to withdraw from myself. Lonliness has become my closest and most endearing friend, and I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s one of those friendships that you don’t particularly enjoy, but you can’t really bring yourself to get out of, because no matter where you go or what you do, that friend is there, tagging along. You don’t really like this friend, but at least you have one, and you’re afraid to give that up. Lonliness is bullying me, but I don’t have the balls to stand up to it.
Something happened tonight that knocked the air out of me. I sort of saw it coming, but I guess I didn’t believe myself. I don’t think the situation is quite as bad as I am allowing myself to feel about it, but it’s still pretty shitty, and I don’t want to have to deal with the emotional repercussions. I know that I made a lot of mistakes over the summer. But I don’t believe that I am the kind of person that will do things simply for emotional or physical gratification, nor am I the type of girl that appreciates being called just for sex. He didn’t get what he wanted, but I am still left feeling cheap and disgusted with myself. How do I enable myself to get into these situations?
I feel like life keeps dealing me a really shitty hand. I know I bitch a lot, but come on, really? I’m down to play the game, I’d just really like to win every now and then, you know?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m having some.
I’m not sure I want to be friends with He. I mean, I know I do, but I don’t think it’s working out for me at this point. I’m at serious unease. Sometimes, I feel perfectly fine about things. But that’s in certain situations. The majority of the time, I’m kind of sick to my stomach. I’m annoyed. The entire thing is trying my patience, and I don’t really know how much more and I can endure. I think I’m subjecting myself to things that aren’t helping me in any way.
He’s fucking using me.
That’s my radtastic fucking epiphany for the day. Pretty stoked about it.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Want to know the truth?
I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend.
He is still the most attractive guy I know.
I have no reason to be shy in saying that I want to fuck the hell out of him. Even without his encouragement.
I am a fucking idiot, and I would love to hear you tell me differently.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Inspired, My heart hurts, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Yays!
It’s odd, because just when I think the entire world is closing in on me, things start to look up.
The things I was stressing myself out about – one in specific – have essentially melted away. I’m not freaking out every three seconds anymore. I’m doing better at not allowing my mind to run away with me. Yeah, it’s different up here without He. Yeah, it makes me miss him and it makes me sad. But I’m a fucking trooper, and if I could get through all the drama and bullshit that happened this summer, I think I can handle not being around him. In a strange way I’m kind of glad he’s 600 miles away. It forces me to handle college on my own rather than using He as a crutch, which is essentially what I did for the last 3 years. Now I actually have to make friends and develop a social network for myself. It’s exciting and terrifying, and though most of me feels like it’s going to take too much effort, I’m kind of looking forward to it. Shit, I made a ton of new friends before I left to come up here, so why can’t I do it here? We’ll see how it goes.
I just spent 200 dollars on books. It’s not really a bad deal considering that I bought 12, but at the same time it pisses me off because I know I’ll get maybe 20 bucks when/if I try to sell them back. It’s fucking horseshit, and I don’t know why it still bothers me when I should be used to it. I’m brilliant for choosing English as a major. On a similar vein, I’m a little worried about a couple of my classes. I’m glad that I only have class on Tuesday and Thursday, because I’m going to need a lot of time for at least two of my classes. Senior Sem and Fiction are going to kick my ass in terms of writing, and Modern Fiction is going to kick my ass in terms of reading. 7 of the books I bought today were for that class alone. GUH. It’s a good thing I am fucking badass. : )
So I guess I’m in a decent mood. There’s a little bit of drama going on at home in terms of my family, but I guess that’s working out as well…it tends to get a bit rough when I can’t be there to help my dad out with things. But hopefully everything is going well. I’m really glad that my dad is so happy with his fiance and her daughters and whatnot. It’s a nice little family unit we’ve put together.
OH! And I’m going to go start working out, and I am super stoked for that, because I’ve already lost a lot of weight, and now I’m just going to look fucking SEXY and toned and whatnot. That’s right, you wait for it, when I come home again, I’m going to look like teh s3×0rz and it will be AWESOME (I probably just did that wrong, but I don’t really care). I’m so ready to be stupid attractive again. High school body, here I come!
I guess that’s it for now. I’m trying to be as optimistic as possible, if not only because things are looking up and I want to keep it that way.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not sure I should even be doing this right now, because I have been far too contemplative and somewhat down for the past couple of days. I guess I just want to dump it out.
I was so gloriously okay, and then new information rears its ugly head, and I feel myself teetering on the edge of misery. I refuse to feel the way I felt before, and I don’t think I do. But some part of me has such a difficult time dealing with the situation, particularly because of some of the finer details. And it would be so much easier to deal with if people didn’t use bullshit excuses to validate the things they’ve done. Maybe that’s just me, but regardless, it’s bothersome. My biggest problem at this point is that some part of me is clinging so desperately to it all, and really, I don’t care that much. I don’t want to care. None of it is my business, and I don’t want it to be. I just don’t know how to turn myself off. It’s okay, but it’s not fucking okay. It’s driving me crazy. So most of the time, I prefer to just not think abotu it. I’m not really sure what’s going on with me, and that’s infuriating because I was doing so well, and now I feel as though I’m slipping.
I can’t wait to leave. I’ve loved the past few weeks here, hanging out with people and having a good time and whatnot, but I’m ready to remove myself from the situation. I think distance will help me put the finishing touches on distancing myself completely in terms of emotions, and that is a huge part of all my shit right now, I think.
I’ll do this again later. I really don’t have it in me right now. I’m not even sure any of this makes sense.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
I don’t even know where to begin. I am conflicted because I am acting very out of character. I am making the choice to do so each time I do, and then I start to feel…guilty? about it. At the same time, I am 21 years old, I am single, and I can do whatever the fuck I want. I still have integrity, so I don’t know what my problem is. At this point, I’ve just decided on “fuck it” because I don’t need to waste my time worrying about whether or not I come off as a giant whore. Shit happens, and life goes on. I’m enjoying myself.
I think this is going to be my last week of work. I’m pretty stoked about it considering that last week I serverely fucked up my back. Thanks to Smokes, though, it feels a whole hell of a lot better. It was an incredibly painful process, but he worked some serious magic. Yays! The shit was literally starting to destroy me. It hurt to breathe, for fucks sake. But I think I’m on the road to recovery, so that’s good.
I am content. Life has been a whirlwind for the past few weeks, and it’s hard to keep up with it all, but it’s been a hell of a ride, and I feel good. I feel like me again. And that’s really, really nice. At the same time, I do need to get my shit organized, because I may be headed toward a very dangerous slope that I don’t want to fall down. I’m not sure if it’s a lack of self-control or just being so caught up in the brilliance of it all, but I’ve gone crazy. Haha.
I’m in love with life right now.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
I can’t even comprehend how people that I thought knew me can find themselves under the impression that I would be doing or saying things to be intentionally hurtful. I have absolutely no reason or desire to be catty or cruel, and I am quickly tiring of being questioned about it. And I think that by being bothered by the situation, I am making it worse. So fuck it.
I AM OVER IT! There is no drama, there are no cruel intentions, I’m through with hard feelings, and I don’t need to deal with minor miscommunications. I care about He, but I don’t want a whole lot to do with him right now. He is important to me, yes. But the relationship has vastly changed and I’m not going to drop everything to accomodate him like I used to. I know it sounds harsh, but that’s just how I feel. It’s taken me a while to get to the point I am at and I can honestly say that I feel pretty fucking happy the majority of the time. He and I broke up. We are broken up. It’s not my problem anymore. None of it. We both have our shit and I’m working on mine. Perhaps I don’t always handle it well because my opinions get in the way, but I do know that to some degree I am correct in the things I feel and believe, and I’m not going to let anyone tell me otherwise. I just want to get on with my life. I’ve fenced up the drama llamas and I don’t need anyone letting them out so they can start shitting all over my life again. I’m not saying that He is doing that, but in general, I am saying that I am DONE with semi-silly situations and conversations that do little more than irritate me. I know that I’m probably coming off really cold, but that’s just how it is. I let shit roll off these days, and I don’t want to buy in to minute issues that don’t even need to come up. I…I just can’t say it enough. I’m over it. Really, I am. I’m done.
I am glad that He is going on with his life. True, I do not agree with how he is going about it, but that doesn’t matter. So I’m letting him do his thing, and I’m doing mine. I’m not obligated to make him happy anymore (if, in fact, I ever did), and if what he is doing makes him happy, more power to him. I stand by my feeling that he does deserve to be happy. As do I. And we need to just do our own things and leave each other alone. I know he wants to be friends or stay in my life or however you choose to put it, and that’s fine. I have no problem with that. But it’s not going to be on his terms. It’s a compromise, and when I am ready, when time has done what it does, then we’ll see what happens.
Also, and I was just thinking about this today, if anyone is having trouble losing weight, just date someone for four years, go through some somewhat traumatic shit promptly following the breakup, and the pounds will just fall off. It’s ridiculous. Helpful, though. Apparently being single and losing some weight gets you substantially more attention from the opposite sex than you had previously. I’ll just go ahead and high-five myself on that one. It’s really nice to feel comfortable with how I look AND be aware that other people approve as well.
So, that’s it for now. I’m not a mean person. I took a whole lot from my relationship with He, and I’m a better person for it. I handle situations a million times better than I did in the past. I’m level-headed and calm and I am not sure I can recall the last time I got angry. I’m just saying – I’m not about to start saying things just to warrant a reaction or to be intentionally hurtful. We’re all adults, here.
My metaphor was that I was swimming in a pool of misery and I want to evolve. I want to move through the stages and become a creature that can stand solid on two feet. When I first spit this metaphor out, I was saying that I was like, a tadpole or something. I was still in the pool, but I was working on getting out. I think I’m to the point where I’ve got some sort of rudimentary limbs, because I have been spending more time on the shore than in the pool. I go back to it from time to time, but I don’t need it to survive. I’m evolving, and it’s fantastic. Breathing is fucking nice.
This summer has kind of done a complete 180. I thought I was going to be horribly depressed forever, and yet the past couple of weeks have me so giddy that I’m not sure why I was so down in the first place. I’ve met a lot of people, I’ve developed incredible friendships, and for the first time in a long time, I’m pretty damned comfortable with myself. Sure, I’m still insecure, and I catch myself feeling like a disgusting blob, but a lot of things have happened lately that essentially force me to believe (at least on some level) that I’m attractive. It’s lovely. Refreshing. It’s been a very, VERY long time since I have felt attractive. Since I’ve been at ease in my own skin. Shit, man, I’ve been wearing skirts! It’s like some sort of breakthrough. Ha. Truthfully, it’s just really nice to be where I’m at right now. As a person, I think I’ve improved. I’m more fun to be around – even to myself. I just go with the flow and let shit roll off and GODDAMN it’s nice. I’m finding the girl I used to be, and remembering how great she is. LOVE IT.
Also loving all my new friends. K-B and Shirt, particularly, because they actually talk to me and hang out with me, and jesusfuck, they’re just awesome. They both make me feel incredible, and that in itself is thoroughly enjoyable. As is their company. Gotta love the mens.
My behavior lately has me somewhat taken aback. I am not disturbed or upset by it, but it seems quite different than the behavior I normally exhibit, and I’m more just surprised by myself than anything else. Actually living life, just taking it by the balls and having FUN is exhilerating.
There may be hope for me yet.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I take back my previous smacking. I don’t need to smack myself at all. The things I do are the things I want to do because I am not an idiot, I am not a slut, I am not irresponsible, I am not that girl. I’m a good person, and somewhere deep down, I honestly believe that. I believe that I do deserve to be happy. I believe that I don’t deserve to spend the rest of my life feeling like shit because I spent four years with someone who now chooses to make me feel that I was inadequate. I am enough. I am more than enough. And I hope to god that I can convince myself to believe not only that, but that I deserve better.
I’ve been happy lately. Things have been looking up. He is still my best friend but I think some part of me is trying to get rid of that. Some part of me loathes him so violently that it is difficult for me to keep it in check. Because the whole of me still cares very much about him and I don’t need to be burning any bridges (he already did). I don’t know what I want between us, and I haven’t been thinking about it. I don’t think about him, much. I try not to.
I am terrified that perhaps I have developed feelings or at least some sort of attachment to K-B. I’m sure there will be more on this as the situation develops. Ha.
The wasted chance.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
Life. It goes on. It’s hard, it’s ugly, it’s painful. But time keeps ticking by, and it does what it does.
Maybe I’ll be okay. For real-real, not for play-play.
Councelling went very well. It was, as I expected, a little awkward, but I think it will improve. She’s a pretty cool chick, and it was easy to kind of just chat about things. Plus, I only cried a teeny tiny little bit. I walked out of that place, got back to my car, and almost bawled. I was so fucking relieved. It was the first time in a long time that I felt happy. Everything felt okay. I got some sense of hope. The whole thing is just a good plan.
Also, in light of recent events, I need to smack myself. Tsssk tsssk, me.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I wake up every morning and within five to ten minutes, dash to the bathroom and vomit. Dry heave. Choke. Mostly bile. Often bloody. If I didn’t know better, and I do, I would be inclined to think that I was pregnant. That’s not what’s making me feel this way.
I’m not sure how to describe how I feel. I can point out at minimum three or four solid emotions, but they’re so blended together most of the time that it is difficult to distinguish them and act accordingly. I suppose what is bothering me the most at this moment is that I know what’s going to happen to me. I don’t want it to, but I don’t know how to stop it. My entire life, I’ve been fucked over. I’ve been used and abused and sucked dry. True, I allow people to do this to me, but only to an extent. Friends, lovers, whatever, have all taken extreme advantage of me. I built walls. I built them high, and I built them thick. Because I was tired of it. I was tired of the mistreatment and the pain and the constant ache of it all. My dad told me to stop searching and just let things happen. I relaxed my grip and before I knew it, there He was. He fell into my lap when I least expected it, and I let go. I let it happen. It took a little time, but I did. I allowed him to take a sledgehammer to my walls and I let him come in. I destroyed myself with how much I loved him. I grew accustomed to his presence, both within and outside of me. He is the first person I can truly say I have ever been inlove with. And I let it happen so much that it consumed me. In negative and positive ways (I often fear more negative than positive). What bothers me, right this second, and the more I think about it, is that He left. He came in and hung out for a while, but then he turned around, covered in dust and remnants, dragging that hammer behind him, and he left. You know what I did? You know what I’m doing? I’m rebuilding. The wall is going back up, going up higher and going up thicker. I’m guarding myself because it may be the only thing I know how to do to go on. And I don’t want to. I don’t want to block myself off again. I don’t want to cut myself off from the world. I’m tired of being pessimistic and cold. I want the be the me I was when He came in. He came in and dusted away the cobwebs. He turned the furniture right side up. He made it comfortable. He made it liveable. He made it bearable. But I don’t know how to be that me without him. That both disturbs and terrifies me. The entire situation devestates me. I feel like I’m building this huge wall but the mortar is my love for He, and that’s just a bigger problem.
Since we’re discussing problems, I have a new one. I wasn’t sure it was actually going to develop, but it has. I miss He physically. There’s two sides to this, and one has been somewhat ongoing. I miss touching him. I miss running my fingers through his hair. I miss hugging him. I miss the smell of him. God, how I miss his smell. I miss kissing him. I miss laying next to him. I miss hearing him breathe. I miss looking at him. I miss his presence. His aura. The feeling of him when we’re in the same room. I miss the way he tastes. I miss his warmth. I miss the way he laughs, especially when he finds something very funny. I miss the crook of his neck and the comfort I always found there. I miss all the things I used to get irritated at him for. I miss him clipping his nails in bed. I miss him leaving garbage everywhere. I miss open cubbards. I miss unmade beds. I miss leg pillows. I miss the way he would cut away at the “dead” skin around his fingertips. I miss his shit-talking on COD with the bros. I miss rubbing his back. I miss his cold feet and foot tacos. This list could go on for days, and god…I miss him. It feels like someone reached into my chest and took something out of it. It’s a dull, hollow ache that pulls at me every time I see or hear or taste or do or anything that reminds me of him or makes me think of him. And everything does. Everything. But there is a new side to this. I should have known it was going to come up, but I was really hoping that it wouldn’t. I miss He sexually. And not just because it was quality (GOOD FUCK [pardon the pun]). I’m not sure I can describe it. I miss the hunger. The passion. The closeness. I miss the fire. I miss feeling his desire for me. I miss clenched fists and piercing fingertips. I miss feeling him love me. I could go into detail, and I really want to, but I’m not sure I really should. What I will say is that I regret not doing more. I trust that He will know what that means.
I guess I’m going back to work soon. My dad thinks it’s going to make things a whole lot better for me, but I’m not entirely sure. I guess we’ll see how things go. Either way, I don’t have a choice. I need money, and badly, because at the rate I’m going, I don’t even have a place to live at school this semester. Just another wonderful experience to top off this fantastic summer.
I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I’m tired of feeling the way I feel. I’m tired of questioning myself. I don’t want to feel so terrible all the time. I don’t want to diminish myself constantly. Truth? I don’t have closure. That’s the problem. I don’t know if would help, and that presents another problem. More questions. More doubt. I wish I could shut off my brain. I want to be able to sleep at night. But I sleep next to a ghost.
He won’t stop haunting me.
Do I want him to?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Why why why?
This goes out to all the people that were there and didn’t do anything. Didn’t say anything.
This goes out to the two of you, who were careless. At this point, you both disgust me.
Most specifically, this goes out to one person. Someone I thought was my friend. Someone who proved me wrong about that.
Fuck. I want to be mean. I keep stopping myself from calling her or texting her or doing something. I hope she knows how wrong she was. How disgusting and deplorable what she did is. I hope she never forgets it. I know I never will. I used to be excited about being friends with her. I wanted to get to know her and hang out with her and be her friend. Obviously, she didn’t want the same. So, to you, I say thank you. Thank you for fucking me over right from the get-go and saving us both the trouble of doing it later. You got me good, too. Really good.
Now to you. I already told you how disappointed I am in you. How flabbergasted and astounded I am that you of all people would do this. I suppose I may be overreacting. We all know how good I am at doing that. But what it comes down to is that I’m now uncertain. I don’t know if I’m going to love you forever or if I’m just going to carry around this twisted knot in my stomach forever. I wanted all the memories I had of you to be good ones. I wanted to look back and say, “yes, those were good times.” But you have taken that from me. The gravity of what you did overwhelms all the goodness and I constantly have to fight the need to vomit. No one. NO ONE has EVER hurt me this badly. And I’ve been hurt a lot. So, thank you as well. Thank you for teaching me that nothing lasts forever, no matter how real you think it is. Thank you for teaching me that no matter how much you love someone and trust them, they will still fuck you over, and probably harder than everyone else. Thank you for showing me that all my fears were justified, even after you had convinced me that they weren’t. Thank you for everything, and thank you for absolutely nothing.
To everyone else, thank you for pretending to be my friends. Thank you for allowing alcohol to cloud your judgement, despite being intelligent and responsible enough to see through. Thank you for always looking out for number one, and no one else. Thank you, mostly, for confirming that the people I care most about don’t give a flying fuck about me.
Probably the shittiest thing about this is that I’m probably the only one that has any real emotion toward it. Some things never change.
I should be angry. I should want to hurt them. I did, initially. But what’s the point. All they’ve done is show me their true colors. And they’re not the colors I thought they were. They’re not ugly, but I don’t like them.
Good luck and best wishes to you all, sincerely.
I’m used to making it on my own.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?
Sometimes I find myself feeling violently irate. As in I just want to scream at someone at the top of my lungs. I want to obliterate someone with words, just so I can feel better, or less angry. I’m just so fucking pissed off, and I cannot for the life of me discern why. I’ve been thinking about it, and I really can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just a compilation of a whole mess of things that have been bothering me, and they’ve finally built up to the point that I want to rage. I’m going to say that’s probably it, just because I can’t think of anything else. Maybe I should just rant. Maybe I will.
If it’s not one physical ailment or issue, it’s another. First, I was sick. Nasty, don’t want to get out of bed but I HAVE to go to class and oh god, now I want to die sick. When I got over that, I got a fucking sty. A STY. What a goddamn pain in the ass. It was unpleasant, and I had to put this goopy, greasy medication in it that made it difficult to see. Then, finally, that goes away, and what do you know? Hello, yeast infection! I’m so glad you decided to have a little party in my vagina without my consent. Not only is this uncomfortable and disgusting, but it disables my sexual pursuits, which in its own right is enough to piss me off. So, thank you, body, for being a fucking dicksack, and constantly bombarding me with ridiculous and irritating symptoms rather than just taking a day off and letting me be healthy.
Fucking money is the most bullshit thing on the planet. Even more bullshit than money is the tendency of institutions to charge absolutely absurd amounts of it for most commodities. Someone, please, tell me why the FUCK I am paying for an education. Explain to me, please, why I am paying thousands of dollars for less than adequate food and housing, and why I am forced to pay for health insurance via the university that covers NOTHING. The whole system is fucked, sincerely, and I would love for someone to demonstrate otherwise. Really. Please, please enlighten me. If you can refute the fact that the vast majority of the money I dump into this institution goes to athletics, you will have my interest, at least. But you CAN’T. FUCK. I’m just really, really tired of throwing away money. Yeah, yeah, I know. Welcome to being an adult, and all that bullshit. And that’s exactly what: BULLSHIT.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING in this relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love He. I really, really do. I find him incredibly attractive. He is intelligent, humorous, and I sincerely enjoy spending time with him. I have a very difficult time with the idea that I’m wasting my time with him, because as much as I don’t think I am, or don’t feel that I am, a part of me keeps insisting that, in all reality, that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s basically a long and (mostly) enjoyable road that leads indefinitely to nowhere. So why the goddamn fuck am I so floored? There are so many aspects of the relationship that are so fucked, also, and I just keep smiling because I like being around him. What the fuck is wrong with me? And talking to him about this is virtually impossible, because I’m just an over-emotional psychotic bitch that doesn’t listen to reason and can’t validate any of my points. Yeah, I think that’s just about how it goes. I try to argue my point (because it does always end up being an argument), and I’m wrong. Why? Because he said so. Unless I’m being cute, and then he’s just a whole lot nicer while still inferring that I’m wrong or by ignoring the point completely. Everything I feel is like a fire to He, I think. Most of the time he just dances around it, but sometimes he throws in a log or two. I don’t think it’s ever occurred to him that maybe he would get burned less if he attempted to help in putting it out. FUCK.
That’s all I got. All I want to do is bitch. A lot. I feel like I suck it up all the time because people want me to be nice, and cool, and collected. Relaxed and whatnot. I would be if I could just be myself without being told that I’m fucking crazy and needy. That’s basically all I hear, from just about everyone I know, and more specifically the people I care very much about (with a few exclusions). Fuck that. Fuck this. At some point I need to just get a fucking grip and be secure enough in myself to not give a shit what people think. But at this point, I do, and I’m fucking tired of them disliking me or things about me simple because they’re things that aren’t fucking sunshine and rainbows all the time.
I’m so over this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Why why why?
Today was a pretty fucking rough day. College is raping me. I don’t mean that in the sense that it’s hard. I don’t mean that in the sense that it costs a lot. I mean that in the sense that I came to college with a passion, with drive, and college is forcefully taking that away from me without my consent.
I just feel fed up. Pretty much with everything. I’m becoming more and more irritated at Spooner because he’s right. I’m fucking crazy and needy. Emphasis on the crazy. Or maybe on the needy. Either way, I’m not 100% self-sustaining, and lately, making everything seem okay isn’t as easy as I’m used to it being. That’s what I get for letting down the walls. I’m fucking loney, as hokey as that sounds, and it’s difficult. Inexplicable, and difficult.
I want my sister to come and see me just as badly as she says she needs to. I need a breath of fresh air.
I’m frustrated with my relationship. It’s good, for the most part, at least a lot better than it was for quite a while, and it has maintained that goodness. I’m frustrated sexually, and not in a good way. Blugh, I don’t even want to deal with it. There’s nothing I can really do about it, and that makes it even more frustrating.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don’t even know.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.
And in the words of Forrest Gump, “That’s all I hafta say about that.”
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I loathe being irritated about things that, in all reality, don’t bother me. I’m more irritated at the fact that he’s saying shit than I am about the shit he’s saying, if that makes sense. When I was told about it, I just thought about it for a minute, and, truth be told, it’s true. I am just a girl he messed around with and didn’t want anything else with. And I was fully aware of that. I had no problem with that. But it’s childish and immature to talk about it the way I have heard he has been talking about it, and that’s what gets to me. Sooner or later I’m going to get over it, but for right now, it’s crawling around under my skin, and it makes me fucking irate. Ugh.
Oh well.
Money makes me want to rip out all of my hair. Or cry for the rest of my life. Someone buy me a car. Please.
So now I’m a liar.
Unless I’m mistaken, quarterlife is upset and thinks I lied to her about having sex with Spooner. This is not entirely accurate. First of all, she never asked me if I did. There were a few situations in which it came up and I kept my mouth shut, but there is a reason for that. I’m wondering if quarterlife ever stopped to consider that perhaps Spooner asked me not to say anything to anyone so that we could avoid any drama that may arise. I’m wondering why I’m such a terrible person for keeping my personal life personal.
Mostly, I’m wondering why I have to lose one friend because I was faithful to another.
Now that the smoke has cleared from my initial explosion, I’m looking around at all the rubble and I realize that really, I haven’t done anything wrong. I understand why quarterlife is hurt, but at the same time, she doesn’t really have much of a reason to be. I’m not the type of person who has sex and then runs and tells all of her friends about it. The only reason Poser knew is because I had to go to her for advice about something concerning it. Regardless, my main point of focus and the most solid structure still standing after this ridiculous blowout is the fact that sex is personal. It is the business of me and the person I do it with, and no one else. I’m frustrated that I’m being forced to feel like that’s wrong because quarterlife is upset. And I may be wrong about that being why she’s upset. But regardless, it’s not like she’s talking to me, and as much as I want to talk to her, I feel like she’s done with me and maybe it’s not worth feeling like shit over. I don’t know.
Isn’t this the reason Spooner didn’t want me to say anything in the first place?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
And alcohol seems to emphasize the fact.
I was a complete idiot last night. Things got out of control in my brain. I got people pissed off at me. I broke the law. It was a very good very bad night.
I got laid, though. I’m still not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing.
I just want to sleep a lot.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I always screw myself, Meh, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
I think the consensus is that I do get a little too worked up about things a little too soon. I tend to get highly irritated in the moment instead of letting it roll off. And then I sleep on it, and there’s a brand new day there to make me feel a bit better about things. I’m still at least slightly irate, but it has lessened significantly. It’s nice.
Today feels wonderful, minus the fact that I discovered that I am completely broke again. Granted, I get my paycheck on Monday or Tuesday, but that still sucks right this moment. It’s been a little while since I haven’t had ANY money, at least since I started working for the summer. And it totally blows that all the money I get goes to bills and gas. This whole being an adult thing totally blows. And hard.
I want to taste the inside of someone’s mouth. I want to kiss someone, hard. That’s the thing; it transitions occassionally from wanting to fuck to just wanting to have a hardcore, heated makeout session. And somehow, I still can’t manage to obtain either one. I don’t think my standards are too high. But maybe I should lower them. I guess it all depends on how desperate I get.
Have a lovely day today, kids. Make sure you put some sunblock on. The sun is PISSED.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Why why why?
Poser and I stayed up way too late last night in her hot tub, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes and being generally tired. But it was fantastic, and I slept like a fucking log (until her alarm went off and almost gave me a heart attack). She got up and went to work (eventually; her alarm went off about 8 million times and kept waking me up and she just slept through it, which doesn’t make any sense at all), and then around 10 came downstairs and woke me up. We dressed and went to the funeral. I was feeling okay, but as we drove there, I said about 5 times that I really didn’t want to be doing it. I hate funerals. My coping with death isn’t the greatest; I have a tendency to seem to not really care about it. But I knew this kid. I had a crush on him in high school. I sold him cigarettes at the gas station. I knew him. We pulled into the parking lot, both took a deep breath, got out and headed over to a group of people from high school. Eventually we made our way into the church, and as soon as we got through the doors, something in me snapped, and I started to tear up. I got myself together and we found somewhere to sit.
Then they brought in the casket.
As soon as I looked at that grey box, I imagined his face, and realized that his dead body was in there. I started crying. How the fuck is this right? Why the fuck is he dead? I cried pretty much throughout the entire thing (minus the part when the minister or whomever started talking about some LDS reincarnation bullshit or something) and as soon as it ended I turned to Poser and we fled. I just feel so damned sad, but at the same time, it’s like I don’t care at all. I just don’t understand, and I am left with a residual feeling of confusion and blah. It’s disgusting.
Thus, Poser and I have a deal that we’re going to get totally fuckered up this evening, in celebration of an epically shittyish day (that was an amazingly bad sentence).
On a lighter note, I got to hang out with my brother today, which made me really happy, considering how hard I bawled at the funeral when his cousin was talking about the relationship between the deceased and his little sisters. All I could think about was how devastated I would be if it were my brother, and I was so damned glad to see him and spend a bit of time with him today. Plus, he bought me beer. With his money (god, I’m such an asshole).
I also discussed with Poser the semi-hilarity of the fact that going to the funeral made me want to have sex. It’s ironic. And funny. Too bad no one there was looking to pick up weepy females who were oh-so-sad about the loss. OH MY GOD I AM SUCH A DOUCHE BAG.
Anyway. That’s it. That’s been my day thus far. I’m probably going to go shave some time soon, and figure out something to do tonight. I want to get totally fucked (in at least two ways).
Peace.
OH – Also, I’m pretty sure Spooner is avoiding me. Pretty sure quarterlife thinks I hate her or something. Pretty sure I want to hang out with Click and Spooner before they leave and I’m tired of drama.
I DO NOT LIKE SPOONER (like, romantically). FUCK, PEOPLE. COME ON.
I just want to hang out with my friends before they’re gone. UGH.
Last night, B-Rex totally flipped the “turn Holly on” switch, and I have been that much more frustrated sexually since. I just want to throw that out there.
I saw Gunner today, and was totally excited about it because it’s been quite a while since I’ve seen him, and I missed him terribly. So that was awesome.
I have this whole weekend off. Friday, Saturday AND Sunday. I’m fucking STOKED. Minus the fact that I have to go to a funeral tomorrow. I don’t really want to get into that.
I need a good dicking. Seriously. FUCK.
I feel so damned good about everything right now, and I don’t really know why. And even more bizarre is the fact that I’m not bothering to question it (though that seems contradictory to the previous statement). I’m just enjoying this. It’s been a while since I felt genuinely okay about everything. But when I got out of bed this morning, I felt good. I should have been damned tired considering my lack of sleep lately, but I wasn’t. I should have been grumpy because I didn’t want to go to work, but I wasn’t. Everything today has just felt GOOD, and I’m loving it.
Now someone put the cherry on my fucking blissful sundae and have sex with me.
I’ve never had anyone tell me I was one of the best things that ever happened to them. That was nice to hear. And painful. Meh, whatever.
Thank sweet baby jesus I don’t have to work tomorrow. Technically I do; I never have a real day off. I have to mow the lawn. I’m super excited that my second day off out of like 11 is a day I get to work. I just want to be lazy, really. I want to hang out with Click and Spooner before they leave, and I have a pretty good feeling that’s not going to happen. It makes me very, very sad. I guess I would get over it. Oh well.
I WANT TO HAVE SEX. FYI.
I had a whole blog all written in my mind. But now I am drinking a cold and refreshing beer and not wanting to blog. So nah.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
Today was unbearably long. Work dragged past.
The other night (morning) was amazing, I have decided. Saber said it was lame, but I disagree. I wish nights (mornings) like that would happen more often. There wasn’t any drama, or if there was, it was minimal and brief. It was fantastic. Plus, I got a bit of makeout action. Hooray.
He and I have been hanging out lately, and the more I reflect on our time together, the more I feel like I am accidentally leading him on. That is not my intention, and I have made my stand. We are NOT getting back together. But I feel like no matter what I do, I instill some sort of false hope in him, and I don’t want to do that, because it only makes things harder for him and more difficult for our friendship. He continues to tell me that I am his best friend, and I am completely fine with that. I want to be the best friend for him that I can be. But I feel like I am the cause of the majority of his problems, and pulling out completely seems as though it would be just as detrimental as what’s happening at current. All I can do is be myself and be there for him, but he wants to spend a lot of time with me, and I don’t really have the heart anymore to tell him that maybe the amount of time we’re spending together is hurting him more than helping him. It’s a Catch-22 because I can’t be his best friend without being around him or talking to him or being there for him, but those things don’t help him get over me. It is, however, his choice, and I’m going to let him do whatever he thinks is best for him. It’s all I can do, really.
I think my vagina has finally developed a mind of its own, and it occassionally decides to over-rule my real mind. The slightest thing can set me off on a sexual tangent, and I’m not sure what to do when that happens. So I sit around, frustrated, and wait for it to wear off, which it never does or takes an excrutiatingly long time to do. Sex is sex, and I don’t have feelings for anyone, and yet I still seem to be incapable of getting laid. And my vagina is not so thrilled about it. Thus, I’m not so thrilled about it.
I feel good.
Filed under: Fuck, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I feel as though I should still be asleep. Somehow I seem to be incapable of pulling all-nighters anymore. And upon waking this morning, my whole body, particularly my back and shoulders, hurts.
A lot of things have been happening lately, and I don’t know how to feel about any of them. And at the same time, I’m not really even bothering to think about how to react to them, because I really don’t care, and I really don’t need to create the drama. I really just want to go back to sleep. I don’t want to go to work today. I’m exhausted.
I’m crazy. The more I think about it, the more validity that idea has. I don’t want to be crazy, but it seems as though I can’t help it. It’s not entirely my fault.
I still don’t have the energy to write the blog I need to write. I just want to sleep. Sex and sleep. That’s what I want.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I almost killed myself the other night when I got home from work and my dad told me I couldn’t get on the computer because he was running anti-virus software and shit on it. And then when I went to get on the next morning, there was a note telling me I STILL couldn’t use it. Jesusfuck, two days without the computer almost made me crazy. Well, crazier.
When I got off of work last night I drove around waiting for Click to text me so I could go hang out with him and drink. When he finally did, it took forever for me to figure out where he lived because he gave me terribly confusing directions (I’ll give him a break because he was drunk…); he left out an entire street, so I couldn’t figure out where to go. When I finally got there, we hung out, watched The Simpsons, talked a lot, and drank. It was awesome. I got home this morning at around 4:30. Content.
I had a conversation with quarterlife last night, and she told me that my horniness could be rectified by sleeping with Spooner. She said “You could just sleep with Spooner. He’s leaving, so you don’t have to talk to him again afterwards.” I was kind of bothered by that. I don’t really know why. Regardless, it got me thinking about sex even more, and I am so goddamned frustrated that I’m not sure what to do. Ugh.
I had so much to blog about when I couldn’t get on the computer. And now that I can, I can’t think of any of it. He made me an incredibly cute gift and brought it to me at work the other night. I’m frustrated with that whole situation as well.
Between being situationally frustrated and sexually frustrated, I feel pretty good about life at the moment. I’m terribly sad that Spooner and Click are leaving, though. They’re both really awesome guys, and I’m going to miss them.
I don’t want to do anything today. But I’m supposed to walk around the river with He. And I need to take a shower first. And I should probably eat something, because my stomach is slightly pissed.
Oh well.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
Let me start by telling you how much I hate my job. I really do. I loathe essentially everything about my current occupation, and there isn’t a damned thing I can do about it, because it’s only a summer job and I desperately need the money. Don’t get me wrong, my boss is a total badass and I really like working for him. I’m just tired of standing for 8-9 solid hours, dealing with assholes, cleaning up after assholes, doing the jobs of assholes. It’s my goddamned work ethic and the fact that I (generally) have a very hard time half-assing things. I shouldn’t care so much, and I can’t help it. Really, I’m just grumpy because my feet really hurt (my BODY really hurts) and I’m tired.
Also, though I enjoyed the brief intermission, my craving for sex, along with the vivid imagery, has returned. I fall asleep thinking about someone clawing their fingers into my hips. I wake up imagining someone’s tongue/mouth on my neck. And the dreams in between…fuck, my nipples get hard just thinking about them. I’m ready to get some damned sassisfaction, if you know what I’m saying. And I just can’t lower my standards enough to have a one night stand. I just want someone that I can go hang out with, have hot, amazing sex with, cuddle and fall asleep with, and still talk to later. That would be fantastic. Plus, it has to be someone I’m comfortable with, otherwise my insecurities will ruin everything. I’m beginning to be somewhat irate concerning the lack of dick in my vagina.
I got a new phone today, which is pretty sweet. The screen wouldn’t work, so I couldn’t see anything. It sucked. So I spent way too fucking long in Verizon today and they gave me a new phone.
FUCK. I at least want someone to fucking hit on me. I suppose I can handle not having sex, but it’s like I’m not even attractive. Maybe I should just hang out with uglier people. I really don’t think I’m an unattractive girl. In fact, I think there are a lot of things about me that are attractive. Unfortunately, it seems as though penis people don’t agree with me. Oh my GAWD. I need a fuckbuddy. UGH. Sweet baby jesus, I’m losing my mind right now.
Last night was awesome. I was stupid, but it was a good time. MO’ FUCKIN’ FOHDEES NIGHT, yo. It was good.
Aaaaand…that’s all I’ve got, unless I continue going off about sex, and I think I’ll spare myself the torture.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
Literally and metaphorically.
I rolled myself out of bed today earlier than I would have liked because I promised my dad and Thinner that I would work on the forest of a backyard today. My logic was not the greatest; I began the endeavor in a long-sleeved shirt thinking that would help me avoid a sunburn. And then the heat became so unbearable that I went inside to get a tanktop and ended up just working on the yard in my bra. I was only out there for a few hours, but I am now nursing a bright red burn. At least it makes for some remarkable tan lines. And I only finised half the lawn.
I Twittered that someone should bring me food at work today, not expecting it to actually happen, and then the next thing I know, He shows up with Taco Bell (HOW DID HE KNOW THAT’S WHAT I WANTED?!?) because he “stalks” my Twitter. It was strange because I didn’t expect to see him considering the events of our previous encounter, but I thanked him and he essentially ran out of the building after our interaction. I don’t know how I feel about that whole situation anymore, and to be honest, I’m tired. I just want everything to fall into some sort of groove of normalcy so that I can relax and not have to worry about the next thing he’s going to throw at me. By no means am I tired of HIM, I’m just exhausted (mostly emotionally) by the situation and it’s ever-present complexity when all I crave is for it to be as simple as it seems to me.
B-Rex and I had an interesting conversation tonight concerning my attractiveness (or lack thereof) that I am still a bit hung up on. He told me that I am attractive, but I would be more attractive if I “lost the attitude.” What attitude? The “hardass attitude.” What? I don’t intentionally act like a hardass, so I don’t know what this is. I’m a rough and tumble kind of girl, I always have been, and I probably always will be. I don’t put up with shit from anyone, and I tend to joke around (sometimes inappropriately) to get to know people or when I am in an uncomfortable situation. I am who I am, I am the way I am, and I don’t put up any fronts for facades in order to present myself as anything but. If anything, I think I need to lose a few pounds. HA.
In other news, I have the most badass father a girl could ask for. And maybe I put a little too little faith in “friends.” Meh, I’ll figure that out. Or just let it be.
Maybe I’ll just stop worrying about life so much and go with the flow. Work sucks, but it has to be done. Chores suck, but they have to be done. Drama sucks, but (some) it has to be dealt with (maturely and without creating even more). I figure I’ll take it a day at a time, because there’s only so much I can do and there are far better things for me to expend my energy on than worries and stresses that I can do absolutely nothing about.
Now. To work on making myself think like that all the time.
Filed under: Fuck, Happy?, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
Today was a good day. It wasn’t great, but it didn’t suck. I’ve noticed a recurring trend in my days lately; they’re boring as fuck. I either go to work and then come home and sit around and do nothing, or I don’t have to work and I sit around and do nothing. Occassionally there is some reason for me to go into town, whether it be to hang out with someone or to run an errand, but I’m living a pretty mediocre life compared to the first couple of weeks I was home. Thus, today, being a relatively entertaining and “filled” day, was a good day.
I dragged myself out of bed thanks to my dog whining to go outside. I then decided to stay up rather than attempt to go back to sleep, and I laid in bed watching TV until I decided to help Thinner with stapling the couch covers to the couches. That took up a decent chunk of time. Then I got on the computer for a few hours, and decided I was going to go rollerblading today, because it was beautiful and sunny outside, and I have some kickass rollerblades that I never use. Poser called and I announced to her that we were going to go rollerblading when she got off work. So. I drove to town and stopped at Checker to have Thinner run some diagnostics on my car (which is, as always, being a douchebag and requiring far more money than I would like), and then went to see Poser. When she got off work, we went to Community Park and fucking rollerbladed. It was AWESOME. And totally kicked our asses. On our last lap around, I ate shit, but it was amazing, because I did it so damned gracefully. We then finished with that and drove to the river. We sat on the dock with our feet in the water and let our exhaustion sink in. From there, I decided Taco Bell was in order, so we went through the drive through and went back to Poser’s house, ate our food, and watched a movie. I then came home, and am now typing this. I am content, which leads me to believe the day was good. As I have said many times already.
Also, I have begun to notice a pattern to my thinking; something that irritates me and baffles me, and I’m exhausted with trying to figure it out. At some point, though, I think I’m going to give up on it all together, because I’m sure that I’m NOT going to figure it out, and spending as much time as I do thinking about it is only causing my disposition to be foul (or at least less pleasant).
I continue having random dreams, and I’m remembering them when I wake up. They fade away throughout the day, but I remember them in general, which is not normally the case. Normally I don’t remember dreaming at all. Which leads me to believe that perhaps they mean something. But I cannot possibly interpret them, because they’re really, really fucking weird.
Also, the full force of being single has finally set in. I’ve come to realize that the same thing that makes being single so awesome is the same thing that makes it suck. I’m not used to not having someone. Two and a half years of having someone to cuddle with our make out with or fuck kind of leaves me stranded once I don’t have that anymore. And (unfortunately?) I’m not the type that will just randomly hook up with someone just because I want to and can. I’m sure I COULD do it, but the idea is highly unappealing to me.
None of that changes the fact that I really want to have sex. The movies in my head have become more subtle, but definitely maintain the same intensity and eroticism. They’re darker; more detailed and frustrating. I need someone to hunger for my body as badly as my body wants to be hungered for.
Christ, I could settle at the very least for a heated makeout session.
It seems that no matter what the context, my desires are always the most complex and difficult to obtain.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, I hate my body, I think too much, SEXXX, Well shit
I just woke up from incredibly strange dreams. I wanted to go back to sleep, but then I decided that I want to remember at least one of them.
For some reason I’m at the gas station, and Spooner comes to get gas. His pump isn’t working for some reason; it’s only allowing him to pump a few cents and then it freezes up. So a coworker and I go outside to help fix it (which is by jiggling some sort of hose that isn’t even connected to his pump…), and while doing this, he and I start a conversation that rapidly progresses into an argument. Well, more like a heated debate. Anyway, I say something to him, and he tells me to come over and talk to him, so I do. I don’t really remember what was said at that point (it’s starting to evaporate from my mind), but he then puts the nozzle back on the pump, puts one hand on either side of my face, and kisses me long and hard.
BAM
and now I’m awake.
I don’t really get it. I remember what the conversation/argument/debate we were having was about, but I don’t really feel like typing it out because that’s something I’m working on internally and the world doesn’t need to know. Regardless, I am now somewhat aroused.
Ugh.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?
Today was fucking weird. At least tonight was.
Poser and I went to see Bloom at work because I told him I might swing by after I got off work. He was incredibly busy and didn’t really have a chance to talk to us. While there, Coldplay texted me and said he was bored, so I told him Poser and I would go hang out with him. We played Rock Band for a good amount of time (AWESOME) and then Poser decided to go home to get some sleep. I hung around and we watched a movie. Cuddling progressed to…carressing?…and when the movie ended we just laid on the couch and talked for a good two hours. I’m confused and…something else not entirely discernable at the moment. Coldplay’s actions toward me tonight were uncharacteristic and (only slightly) unsettling. I’m not sure how to feel about it.
I have lunch with Bloom tomorrow, and I’m totally excited to hang out and eat free food.
Also, Holly wants to have sex. Badly.
Let’s just say that things have gotten worse.
Much worse.
My vagina seems to be winning the war with my brain, and I’m powerless to do anything about it. I’m debating just writing out what happens in my head, in the hopes that maybe that will help.
But this shit is explicit. Graphic. The kind of thing you don’t tell your friends about.
Shit.
Won’t someone just fuck me already?
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
At about 9 or 10 tonight, I was attacked by sexual thoughts.
My vagina, I think, is beginning to take on a mind of its own. And it’s directly linked to my brain, which causes problems. I have vivid images in my head, miniature pornos running constantly behind my eyes. I want sex. Rough, dirty, meaningless sex. I want someone to hold me down. Feel me all over. I crave a flicking, hungry tongue. I want my hair pulled. My hands pinned. I want someone to mutter filthy things to me. Oh, god, how I just want someone to make me moan and bite my lip. This shit is killing me.
And rather than getting such vulgarity, I suck it up, and try to think about something else. I get through the day, because I have to. But damned if my fucking vagina doesn’t constantly work to get me to pay attention.
Ugh. Just, UGH.
Thank god for cigarettes and beer, and blogging about what a huge slut I am. HA.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
There is far too much going on in my life right now, which makes virtually no sense, because the things that are happening are, in actuality, quite simple. I just don’t know how or don’t want to deal with them, and thus make them into a bigger deal than they actually are. Therefore, I am going to work through them right here and now, so that I can hold on to the shred of sanity and anti-drama that I have been gathering.
I want to sleep with Spooner. I don’t mean have sex with him, I mean what I said. I want to sleep with him. I am not entirely sure where the feeling came from, but it’s there, and it’s powerful. I cannot possibly explain it. And, like the idiot I am, I told him, which just made me feel creepy and stalkerish. I am having a very difficult time discerning what it is that draws me to him; why I trust him so much and so desperately want to be his friend. Whatever it is, I need to figure it out quickly, because it seems that all I am doing is coming off as needy and desperate, and I loathe that. I am not that kind of person, despite what people seem to think. I crave real friendships. I crave communication. I like to be around and talk to people I like. If that’s needy and desperate, then I guess I’m fucked. I’ve pushed Spooner to the limit several times already, and yet he seems to always let it roll off, and I’m not sure if that bothers me or excites me. Maybe he’s saving it all up to use against me some day. Then again, he’s pushed back, and I (despite instantaneous reactions) generally let it go as well. I don’t know what the fuck is going on in my head concerning him, and I need to. I’m trying to. And I’ve got nothing. At least two people have told me to just have sex with him and get it over with, but that’s not it. That’s not it anymore. It’s something deeper and more real than that. It’s not feelings; I have no romantic interest in him. But there is something there. I just don’t know what. And I NEED to. I think, however, that my search for my own answers fucks me; I always try to involve him, and that fucks things up for me. I’m just going to leave it alone for a while and see if things work themselves out in my head. We’ll see how that goes. Ha.
Also, He stopped to see me at work today. I still am not entirely certain what emotion I feel. It wasn’t awkward, but I feel…weird. It was weird. Not bad, or uncomfortable, just…weird. I am both flattered and frustrated by him currently, and I don’t really know how to deal with it. I understand completely, but I’m simply tired of my brain attempting to turn a very simple situation into something much more complex. I stared at him for at least a solid ten seconds. He looks different. Better. I sure hope things start looking up for him. For both our sakes. I just want him to be happy. I kept him miserable for a pretty substantial amount of time, and he deserves to be happy.
Thank god for not having to work tomorrow or Friday. Although I feel like I have a million things to do simply because I’m lazy as fuck.
Gah. My brain is the biggest douchebag I have ever met.
It dawned on me today when He called again that truly, this breakup was probably for the best. Even though the conversations we have are scattered and hesitant and difficult, I feel more at ease. Once again, He was right. We make much better friends than lovers. In many ways it is unfortunate, but I think that (hopefully) in the long run, things are going to be much better for both of us without each other (romantically). After we got off the phone, I breathed a deep, much-needed sigh of relief. Finally. It’s good to be able to breathe again. The lack of oxygen to my brain was fucking up my whole life.
Which brings me to my next point, which I will only touch on briefly, because I do think that perhaps I should have at least some discretion in my life (or at least in my blogs). Spooner. My self-made drama got the better of both of us, and I nearly fucked up what I consider to be a pretty badass friendship. I was terrified that he wasn’t going to talk to me, but we had a decent conversation via text tonight that brought me the peace of mind I had been searching for. It also frustrates the hell out of me, but I’m sure that I can handle it. I’m glad that things are finally working out, and that I’m not just being an over-dramatic piece of shit anymore. I’m looking forward to things being normal.
Some part of me is beginning to insist that it’s not just sex my body is so desperately (and insistantly) craving. I really, really just want to sleep with someone. If there’s sex involved, okay. But the truth of the matter is, I like having a body next to me. I like feeling hot breath on the back of my neck and the dead weight of an arm wrapped around me. I like waking up in the middle of the night and having a warm bundle of person to snuggle into so I can fall asleep again. I love waking up in the morning in someone’s arms feeling more rested than I ever have when sleeping by myself. I love pillow talk and shared morning breath. Sex would be wonderful, and it seems so prevalent, but I truly desire the intimacy of shared sleep.
Today has been awesome. Finally.
I dragged myself out of bed, which I really didn’t want to do, considering the fact that I was tired as FUCK. I then called, made an appointment, and drove into town to get my hair cut. I picked up my check and deposited it. I took the money I owed to Thinner. I stopped and saw Poser. We went and saw my brother while he was getting his tattoo. And then I came home and took a shower. And then I got online and now have plans to go drinky drink and hang out. I’m pretty stoked. I’m feeling pretty damned good about everything, even though there are a few things in my life at the moment that are in utter shambles. I just don’t really care. Buying in to all the drama or inventing my own has gotten pretty old pretty quickly, so I’m not going to do it anymore.
I have to find someone who will have sex with me, else I am going to attempt to remove my vagina. I’m not kidding. I wish I were. Essentially everything said to me translates automatically into something sexual, and then I find myself visualizing deviant and arousing events. It’s either find a switch for my brain or remove the vagina all together, and one seems easier (though much more painful) than the other. But something has to happen, and it’s apparently not going to be sex, so what choice do I have?
Ah, well, shit. Whatever. Patience, right?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
And I don’t know why.
I don’t understand anything that is happening in my life at the moment, and in some strange way, I guess I’m okay with that. I can’t control everything, no matter how badly I want to.
He called me again today, while I was at work, stocking the cooler. He just “wanted to talk” and then got on my ass for saying the only things I could think to say. He is my friend. I want to be there for him. But the same way that I cannot possibly use him as a crutch to get over him, he can’t use me. I will listen if he needs to talk. I will tell him what I think, and I will do everything I can to help him. That’s what friends do. But I feel like he wants more out of me, and I don’t know what to do. There was a lot of dead air in the duration of our conversation, and my brain was racing the whole time, struggling to grasp on to something I could say that wouldn’t be stupid or pointless. And I guess I ended up just pissing him off, because I was saying “cliche” things or giving him “life lectures.” I just didn’t know what the fuck to do. And I sure as hell didn’t know what the fuck to say. I feel terrible that he is so lonely and miserable and stressed out. I wish there was something I could do to make it better for him. But there isn’t anything. And some small part of me, some evil, angry, dark part of me is somewhat pleased. That part of me is jumping up and down, pointing at him and asking, “How does it feel? How does it feel when you’re just being crazy and the person you want to just be nice to you is giving you all the wrong answers?” I know that’s terrible, but some part of me is there. Some part of me is glad that he’s finally going through what he put me through often in our relationship. In general, I’m just frustrated because I’m sad too. He’s not the only one who experienced this breakup. We’re dealing with it in different ways, and though his way is much more difficult, it’s going to be a lot quicker. I wish he would realize that. I want to be there for him and I do want to be his friend. But I have absolutely no idea what to say when he calls me to “talk” and then just gets upset with me.
Also, sex. Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex. I want some.
Ugh. I’m going to go to bed. Something I should have done nearly three hours ago.
