Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
This odd mixture of emotions is getting the better of me, and sometimes it feels as though the only way to go on living with even the most minute type of normalcy is to completely ostracize myself. It’s like the only way I can do okay or be okay is to limit my interaction with the rest of the social world. Which is odd in itself, as I’m craving company. I’m stuck in a horrific conundrum, and I don’t want to play anymore.
I have so much to do, and I don’t feel like I have the time to do it. I have obligations and constraints, and there simply is not enough time in the day without my running myself completely ragged. Break cannot come soon enough. And even then, I have to try to get a lot of work done during the break as well. Huzzah.
Things have started to happen, also, that bother me. I’m not upset, I’m not mad, I’m just…irritated. I feel like I’m struggling to empty my already overflowing plate, and shit just keeps being shovelled onto it. Please, please, leave me alone! I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I feel like I’ve been doing okay lately, you know, being responsible and whatnot, and getting things taken care of, but that’s academically. Once academics and my life start raping me up the ass, I start to get a little flustered. And a little flustered can easily turn into a lot flustered.
I just want to go home. I want to be done with some of the shit I am in the middle of (fortunately, some of it will be out of the way before the week is up) and get on with it. I want to get on with it.
I found me again. It’s odd, because due to the situation, I’m not all that happy. But I am happy. I’m that girl who I used to be, but better. I’m bright. I laugh. I radiate. And it’s so much better than how I used to be. And my first thought when I realized this was that it’s too bad that He isn’t around to experience it, and isn’t interested anyway.
Because I’m the type of girl he’d fall in love with. All over again.
Mostly, I’m just checked out on the shit that doesn’t matter. The small stuff doesn’t even roll off, because I don’t let it touch me. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to freak the fuck out about things that are inconsequential or out of my control.
I’m better now. I wish the people I want and need to see that actually would.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
In an up and down kind of way, I beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I’m fairly certain that I think too much.
I miss He a lot lately, usually at night. And I do my damnedest to leave him alone. He doesn’t need me.
I’m stuck. I’m happy, but I’m not happy. It’s like being content because you have Jell-o, but it’s not the flavor you wanted. So it’s good, but it’s not as good as it could be. I’m stuck wanting things that I can’t have. Why do I do this to myself? Unobtainable.
I’m starting to freak the fuck out, kids, because it’s crunch time, especially in Senior Seminar, and I’m not making the progress I feel like I should be making. I have no clue how the hell to even begin the presentation that’s due in a week. I have a presentation for another class in roughly a month, on a book that I haven’t even begun to think about reading. On top of it all, I just want to go home for break, and I have no way to get there at the moment. And I’m not sure I’m going to find a way. Balls.
I don’t even know how to say all the things I want to say. I feel emotionally retarded.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I preface this with a sigh, because that is all I have.
My body aches. My mind aches. Everything aches. Everything is tired. I’m ready for this semester, at very least, to be over.
I haven’t had sex in a month, and though I take pride in that, it’s also extremely frustrating, in more ways than I care to address at current.
I’m going to run out of money, and that’s okay, I guess, but again, frustrating.
I really just want to get all my shit done so I can sit around with some “friends” and drink some beer and refuckinglax.
More when I actually have time.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I think I’ve finally reached the breaking point.
It has all culminated into one brilliant, disgusting moment, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with myself. And I don’t really know how to go about cleaning up the mess I’ve become, or the messes I’ve made.
I need to stop. Just…stop, period. I do things that make me look back and cringe. I behave in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of me, just because I can. I’ve gotten far too out of control. And it’s time to rein myself in. I don’t like the way things are going, and thus, and I have to do something about it.
The image that keeps coming into my head is that I’ve been fighting against a whirlpool. It had been pulling at me, harder and harder, and I had been swimming against it, exhausted, trying to keep myself out of it, every stroke draining me. And it just seems like I either finally lost the battle, or I just gave in, and now I’m swirling down, down, down, and if I don’t do something, I’m going to drown.
At what point am I going to start taking my own advice?
Too many unanswered questions, kids. That’s my problem.
How the fuck do I get over He when part of me wants to hold out?
And should I really hold out when there’s no guarantee?
Ugh. I’m going to do some homework now. I’m sure I’ll post again later.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?, Yays!
The last couple of days have been…rough…I suppose I would say. I’ve been having miniature internal meltdowns almost every night, and sometimes they spill out and I have to talk to someone. Most recently it’s been my parents, and I told He, and all three of them have told me that I need to just calm down. I’m sure they are right, but it’s still sort of difficult because some of the things I am stressing about are terrifying. It takes a lot of energy for me to just shove it to the back of my mind so that I can function like a normal human being.
I’m back in the ’scow, and initially, I was really happy about it. I realized that I really do like it up here. And then, while sitting in my dorm room, being bored out of my mind (my roommate is like, an exchange student or something from Ecuador, and isn’t in our room all that much because she has to go to meetings and stuff…or something), I had a mini-panic attack. I guess. Sort of. The brain took me on a magical journey to Misery Swamp, and all I could think about was He, and how hard it’s going to be up here without him, and blah blah blah blah blah. And then I just got sad because we are broken up, which is stupid, and so I just sat here and cried like a little baby for a while and then took a deep breath and knocked it the fuck off. It is going to be a huge change without He up here, not only because we’re not together anymore, but because he was the doorway to friendships and social gatherings for me. I’m pretty sure that none of the guys in his house actually have a whole lot of interest in being my friend or hanging out with me, and the only reason that they ever did was because I was He’s girlfriend. It’s kind of depressing, but I guess it’s just an opportunity for me to make more friends or something by myself. I guess I just need to adjust a little bit better rather than feeling sorry for myself, which it seems like is what I am doing.
On the upside, I figured out how to get connected to the internet all by myself. I’m pretty proud of that, because last year I had to have He do it because I had all sorts of problems with it. I got it done in like, an hour (technically it was like, five minutes, but I’m counting the time that I spent in the computer lab AFTER I registered the connection). I know it’s silly, but it’s a small triumph for me personally. I guess you’d have to be me to understand. It’s liberating? Because I didn’t need He to do it for me. It seems cruel or harsh or mean, maybe, but I guess I like that I am capable of doing things that I needed He for before. It makes me feel like I’m getting my independence back, and that’s a good thing. I hope. I just need to cling to that, because truthfully, for the last…oh…4-5 hours I’ve been missing He terribly.
I’m hoping that this year is fantastic. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that it is, but who knows what hand life plans on dealing me?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?
I’m really not in a good mood. It seems that is the case more often than not, and that in itself is pissing me off. Guh. I’m feeling all teenage-angsty I guess and it’s not cool. I need to just get over it but I’m so damned bitter.
Hold your breath.
It’s to the point again where I have so much to say, or at least so much to bitch about, and I either don’t have the words or the energy to say (type) it all. That’s pretty fucking ridiculous, but there it is.
I just want a best friend. Everyone around me has this great friendship where they’re totally tight with someone, and I don’t have that. Well, I do, but we’re going to break up very soon, and then we probably aren’t going to be around each other all that much.
Stoked.
I just want to cry a lot or just fucking destroy something/someone.
I’m leaning more toward the latter.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not doing too well, and as much as I like to put off dealing with or acknowledging that fact, it’s beginning to become prevalent and insistent. I don’t know what I need to do to be happy, and as much as I’m bitching about change lately and how much I don’t want it, I think I do. I constantly feel like something needs to happen. Something needs to change. To be different. I feel like my life is in some sort of rut of mediocrity and I am so beyond tired of it that I don’t know what to do. I am aware that I need to take control of things and make something happen if I want them to change, but at some point I just don’t know how to do it. Or I just don’t have the energy. I’m lost.
Every time I think about He, I want to burst into tears. I want to cry until the hollow ache in my chest goes away, until the feeling of dread dissipates. But it’s not going to. He treats our imminent breakup as though it isn’t something important, as though it doesn’t need to be talked about or thought about. Perhaps in a way he’s right. But I’m right too. I’ve got a lot of emotion invested in him and his behavior upsets me. This is not petty to me. He is frequently doing things that really shouldn’t bother me, but they are, and it’s breaking me down. Specifically his nonchalant attitude toward me and his hanging out with his female friends in date-like situations. He does things with his girl friends that he doesn’t do with me. In fact, we never do anything. We’ve done a few things lately, but the more time passes the more it just feels to me like we’re just good friends who have sex. Honestly, and I try very hard not to feel this way because I want to believe it isn’t the truth, I feel like he’s less interested in me than he is in the fact that he can have sex with me. I know that’s really harsh, but that’s sort of how it feels. Everything is sexual. When we hang out I hear more about my tits or my ass than I do about anything else about me. It’s nice, I suppose, but I’ve spent a very long time needing more than that and he knows it. I guess I’m just insecure and jealous and whatever, and that’s why I get so upset about these little things, but it’s that much worse when it’s things he knows bothers me and he does nothing to avoid them or not do them. I think maybe I’m off-base here, but that’s just how it feels to me. I’m so torn up about the whole retarded situation and I just want it to be different. Or easy. Or good. Something other than what it is at the moment. I guess I just wanted it to be perfect before it was over.
I’m constantly feeling inadequate physically. I am not comfortable, I guess, with how I look, and I’m not entirely sure how to go about doing something about it. As soon as I get back to school, I’ll pack on the weight again, even if I lose some this summer. I don’t think I’m fat. But I have a really hard time when everyone around me is thin and whatever. It’s the ideal that’s killing me.
I hung out with my mom today and kind of realized why I don’t like to. Don’t get me wrong, she’s my mother and I love her. I just don’t need the guilt trips and the snide comments and all the bullshit she dumps on me. I have no room in my life for people who are going to treat me that way. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes in the past, but I’m not constantly rubbing her face in hers. I wish she’d grow up and get over her shit because I’m tired of hearing it. Harsh, but true. I don’t need it. Period.
I think I’m going to start looking for a different job. I was thinking about it a lot today and the gas station is sucking the fucking life out of me. I don’t get paid enough for that.
I guess that’s it for now. I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I just want to feel like everything is going to be okay. Or at least have a few hours of not thinking about any of it. I just need a damn break.
You’re too young to be this empty, girl.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Why why why?
I am still exhausted.
I’m trying to figure out why it is that every summer I keep going back to the gas station for work. I know it’s because I know I can get a job there no matter what. I know it’s because I don’t have time to look for another, better job and I don’t have time to waste because I need money. But the way things are going, those really aren’t good enough reasons for me. I seriously need a better job because I’m getting really tired of being just about the only person in that place that gives a fuck about actually working. I generally do about 85% of the work and I’m tired of it. Plus, my feet hurt. A lot. But that’s because I need new shoes. Oh. And I need new pants, because the only pair that I have that fit me have holes in the crotch. Why can’t I just win the lottery? I can’t even comprehend how much money 192 million IS.
Ugh. That’s all. I’m getting really anxious about my dad’s fiance and her daughters coming, too. That’s coming up fast. I don’t even have a bedroom. Good god…ugh.
That’s all for now. I don’t really just want to go off on some sort of “pity me” rant so I’m done.
Filed under: Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’ve had a fucking awesome day. Want to hear about it? Good. I woke up with a fucking horrendous cough, which means I’m getting sick, out of the fucking blue. Great. I go to the mall with Housewife, hanging out pre-going to get my taxes done, and I buy a green tea from Starbucks. I then go to Pretzelmaker and get some Pretzel Bites, and as the guy is handing me the cheese sauce, I dump my pretzels everywhere. He gives me some more, I sit down and start to eat them, and take a drink of my tea, and proceed to burn the ever-living FUCK out of my mouth. Then, Housewife and I go to get my taxes done, and as it turns out, I OWE the IRS, thanks to my dad claiming me and the University giving me scholarships. WHY IN THE FUCK are scholarships taxable? That makes no goddamned sense to me. On top of that, it was somewhere around 90 dollars for the lady to do my taxes. Fortunately for me, she was a fucking amazing person, and didn’t charge me, and didn’t file my taxes. She suggested that because I’ve done it before, I could risk not reporting my scholarships, in which case I will just get my full refund. So. We’ll see about that.
I know it really wasn’t that bad, but today just feels like a huge clusterfuck of shitty. On top of everything, it’s STILL snowing, which does absolutely nothing to improve my mood. All I have, I guess, is that everything is just a goddamn joke, and tomorrow it will all be okay. I’m hoping that life’s just pulling one hell of an April Fool’s Day prank on me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Why why why?
Today was a pretty fucking rough day. College is raping me. I don’t mean that in the sense that it’s hard. I don’t mean that in the sense that it costs a lot. I mean that in the sense that I came to college with a passion, with drive, and college is forcefully taking that away from me without my consent.
I just feel fed up. Pretty much with everything. I’m becoming more and more irritated at Spooner because he’s right. I’m fucking crazy and needy. Emphasis on the crazy. Or maybe on the needy. Either way, I’m not 100% self-sustaining, and lately, making everything seem okay isn’t as easy as I’m used to it being. That’s what I get for letting down the walls. I’m fucking loney, as hokey as that sounds, and it’s difficult. Inexplicable, and difficult.
I want my sister to come and see me just as badly as she says she needs to. I need a breath of fresh air.
I’m frustrated with my relationship. It’s good, for the most part, at least a lot better than it was for quite a while, and it has maintained that goodness. I’m frustrated sexually, and not in a good way. Blugh, I don’t even want to deal with it. There’s nothing I can really do about it, and that makes it even more frustrating.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don’t even know.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I feel useless. Pointless. Frustrated.
Not only do I not even have a real home anymore, but it feels as though I have become less to my family. My brother got married, and I am incredibly happy for him, but the talking/sharing he once did with me has all but disappeared. The same with my dad. I can’t help but to feel as though my sister-in-law has replaced me not only in my brother’s life (as a confidant) but also in my father’s. Though I try my hardest not to feel this way, it becomes increasingly difficult when I find that he does talk to her about things and refuses to talk to me about the same things. I can admit that I am feeling a little sorry for myself, but truthfully, I feel as though I’m being slowly nudged out of the picture in regards to my own family, and that idea is devastating to me. My family – my father and my brother – are all I’ve ever had. They’ve been my best friends. And anymore, it just feels like I’m becoming less and less important in their lives. I just don’t really know how to handle that. I suppose that a lot of my feeling this way has to do with my inability or difficulty with letting go of my “mother” duties; after my parents divorced, I was the woman in the house. I’ve always taken care of my dad and my brother, and I’ve always been there for them. I used to feel so privileged that my brother would open up to me and talk to me about how he felt. He doesn’t do that anymore, and the wall that’s building between us in that respect is not something it is easy for me to accept. The same with my dad, especially because I am daddy’s little girl, and feeling as though I’m being replaced – especially in that position – kills me.
Basically, I don’t feel like anything in my life is working FOR me at this point so much as things seem to be working AGAINST me. I know that a lot of it is my own fault, or at least that there are things I can do to better if not rectify certain situations, but I’m so emotionally exhausted with how shitty things have been that it’s so much easier to just go belly up to it all. I’m tired. I’ve always been tired. And so what, so I complain a lot. I’m a bitch a lot. Fuck you. I know a lot of people have it much worse than I do, but I can only take so much before I begin to question it all and get bitter at the fact that things are constantly shitty.
Truth be told, I feel incredibly alone. I have for quite some time, and the more time that passes, the stronger the feeling gets. I simply have a very difficult time feeling that way, and it makes me act the way I act because I loathe being vulnerable. I’m tired of being alone.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I am ready to go home.
I am not looking forward to Christmas, but I am looking forward to four weeks of NOTHING. I don’t have to worry about homework and whatnot like I did over Thanksgiving.
My birthday came and went. As I expected, it was rather uneventful. I went to dinner and went to the bars, and experienced my first real blackout. I was then hung over for at least a day and a half. Woo. And I still haven’t gotten a new ID yet because I am broke as fuck and the 20 dollars it would cost for a new ID is all the money I have. Sweet, I know.
Finals are kicking my ass. I only have two actual finals (like, exams), but I have final projects as well, and those are weighing on me. Everything is incredibly time consuming, and I don’t have time for everything. I just want to go home.
I haven’t been taking care of myself at all lately. I feel like crap basically all the time, both physically and emotionally. I’m not entirely sure how to rectify that, but I suppose that is part of the reason that I am so eager to go home. I need a fucking break. A real one.
Also, I fucking LOATHE being a girl. Menstruation is such bullshit.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit, Why why why?
I play a game. It’s a lot like Hide-and-Seek.
I hide from life, and life seeks me.
I continue to get better at finding spots that life can’t find me in. But that just makes it that much worse when life catches up and does find me. Though rather than life finding me and simply grabbing me playfully, declaring “I found you!” it has turned into life finding me, grabbing me by the hair and thrusting me to the ground, where it proceeds to kick me in the stomach until I’m vomiting blood.
I don’t like it when reality catches up to me and I’m forced to stare at my life for what it is; a bleak and vapid emptiness that scares the hell out of me because there is nothing ahead. I have a grand total of 30-some-odd dollars in my bank account. I have no means of income, a family that (for the most part) is just as financially lacking as I am, and a boyfriend who spends too much money basically supporting me in general. I need quite a few things from the store, and I can’t buy them because I have so little money to get me through until January. JANUARY. The worst part about this is the fact that I know it’s going to work out; money issues always do. But I’m tired of feeling panicked and stressed because I don’t know when something will go wrong that requires more money than I have. And my dad (and everyone else, for that matter) would tell me to get a job, but it’s not that simple. Yea, I only have classes two days a week. But I also have a metric shitload of homework that goes along with those classes. I constantly have something to read or something to write, and I know for a fact that a job, despite being financially lucrative, would be detrimental to my schooling. I already have a C in one of my classes (it’s a big deal to me – shut the fuck up), and having to focus my energy on school AND a job (even if it was only like two days a week) would fucking drain me. I’m one of those people that has to give their all, no matter what they’re doing. I bust my ass in school, and I bust my ass at whatever job I have. The catch is that I can’t bust my ass at school AND at a job. So don’t bust my ass at my job, right? Just go, get it done, whatever? Sorry, no. I can’t do it. I’ve tried before. I was brought up better than that. Even if I hate my job, I give it all I’ve got. But I need to give school all I’ve got. Regardless, I suppose I’m mostly just pissed off because college fucked me. I busted my ass to get a 4.0 with the idea that I would get some pretty nice finanical aid as reward, but apparently only first and second-year students are rewarded for good grades. So what little money I did get this semester went mostly to books, and that left me with very little left over, and now I’ve basically got shit. Essentially, in a nut-shell, I’m tired of scraping the bottom of the barrel. One of these days I’m going to scratch my way right through and I’ll hit rock bottom, and then what?
I’m also stressed as fuck about my dad. It’s stupid, but I can’t help it. Thinner moved out after lying to him and fucking around in some very immature and incredibly inconsiderate ways, and he’s pretty torn up about it. As much as he likes to deny it, my father can’t stand being alone. My brother and his girlfriend are moving in, and that’s good, for my dad’s sake (and probably my brother’s, too), but that in itself brings up another huge issue that’s eating away at me. I now have nowhere to live. My brother and his girlfriend just moved into my room, so I’ve got nothing. The whole predicament arises at the fact that my car broke, and once my dad “fixes” it, it’s sold (so I’m looking forward to that chunk of cash, but who knows when that will be [which isn't bitching; my dad is a busy/broken guy, I'm not about to get on his ass about fixing it sooner]) – leaving me without transportation. This means that this summer (it’s not entirely stupid that I’m thinking about summer already) I need to have somewhere in town to live, because there’s no way I can expect my dad or my brother to drive me to/from work, nor can I walk or ride my bike every day. And I essentially have nowhere in town to live that offers the same benefits as living with my dad. I didn’t have to pay rent. That’s a huge deal, especially considering that I need to be saving my money for a new car and for bills, etc. I’m sure that I could talk to my mom and work something out, but I really don’t want to live with my mom. I love her, but I can’t deny that spending three months living with her would turn into hell. We butt heads a lot. I mean, I stayed with her for about a month this last summer, and we ended up having what I consider to be silent feuds. I love her, I do. But I can’t live with her for extended periods of time because, essentially, we piss each other off; she gets on my nerves and I’m a rude, hurtful bitch toward her.
Really, oustide all the bitching (really, I’m kind of irritating myself at this point), what it all boils down to is I literally feel like my life is falling apart. I’m going to have to ask my roommate if I can use her fucking shampoo. That’s how bad it is (that doesn’t seem bad, but it’s not like I can use her shit from now on…). I just feel like I’m being forced to be a grown-up AND a college student, and it’s not that it can’t be done, it’s that I wasn’t ready for it. I haven’t been expecting that, I’m not used to that, and I don’t want to do that. I haven’t HAD to do that. Truth be told, I’m scared. I’m scared shitless that this is the rest of my life.
And I’m pretty fucking ill-prepared.
Every time I say this, I don’t know what it means, but it is exactly how I feel: I want to go home.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
I feel as though I am rapidly nearing the end of my rope. And by my rope, I mean my sanity. My ability to use my stress as fuel. My apathy has gotten the better of me. For the last week or so, I’ve been done. Checked out. I’m tired of college. I’m ready to be finished. I suppose I don’t have a lot of work (though this week it seems like I do; there are huge projects due for my classes), but once again, I find the constancy of my assignments is what’s killing me. Yea, sure, cool, I have four day weekends. But I constantly feel as though some sort of impending doom is pressing down on me. I have absolutely no ambition to do anything because I’m always doing something, and all I really want is a few moments to do nothing. And I’m talking the kind of do nothing where it’s actually enjoyable because I don’t have the nagging voice in the back of my head telling me that there are things that I should be doing.
Having my dad up here (which was awesome, btw) really heightened these feelings. His being here made me realize that much more how much I miss being home. How much I miss all of my friends (even though that means missing retarded drama and dumb underage bitches/whores). I’m guessing it’s just that time of year when my mood sloppily slides from moderately content to complete and utter moroseness (is that a word? I’m too lazy to look it up). Realizing that makes it all that much worse. I’m not ready for the cold.
College has so raped me of my once-vibrant passion for writing that I barely have enough resolve to write a blog. Hence why it’s been so long. I’ve been beat over the head with rules and standards and the idea that my writing is less than mediocre (workshopping writing is the worst idea EVAR) that I have no desire to do it anymore. I know I’m going to just suck it up and get through it, because that’s what I do, but I don’t want to. I’m tired of it.
But at least it gives me something to bitch about, and we all know how much I love complaining (or so it seems).
EDIT: RockBandQueen, I do care about your Halloween costume. I think you should do something that is comfortable for you, and something you think is awesome. Fuck what everyone else says.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit, Why why why?
Le sigh.
It’s been a long weekend (yes, Monday is part of my weekend). I find myself in some sort of rut where I really don’t want to do anything while simultaneously freaking out because I have a huge test tomorrow that I fear I am going to epically fail. And I need to shower. And I need to do laundry. And I need to clean up my fucking living room (thanks suitemate, you’re a fucking asshole). And I need to rearrange my room so my dad can fit in it. And I need to do so much fucking schoolwork that sort of crept up on me (I didn’t procrastinate, I just seem to forget about it and then remember at the last minute when I don’t feel like doing ANYTHING). I essentially got drunk three nights in a row, and then proceeded to lose my fucking cell phone (not necessarily because I was drunk. It was a situation, I suppose, that I do not feel like explaining).
I feel alien to my own skin.
I want to write a blog. But I really have other things I should be doing. I shouldn’t have even done this much. I shouldn’t even be online. I should be buried in books.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
Le sigh.
At this point, things are beginning to work out, but I still want to stand in the middle of a parking lot or grocery store, grab handfulls of my hair, and scream at the top of my lungs. I am so full of bitterness and resentment at the fact that I’ve been busting my ass all summer and don’t have any money to show for it. At the fact that I busted my ass last year to get a 4.0 two semesters in a row, but because I’m going to be a Junior this year, I don’t get shit in financial aid as a reward. At the fact that my car has all but taken a total shit on me, and I’m not going to be able to take it to Moscow. At the fact that I now have no one to hang out with despite attempts to be a good friend to people. I’m just fucking angry, and it caused me to break down into desperate, angsty tears yesterday. Just…fuck, man, you know?
Huh asked me to drink with her on Friday night, and I’m super stoked about it. She’s fucking cool, and it’s nice to feel like someone actually gives a shit that I’m leaving. She told me she was going to miss me at work because I’m so fun. HA. You have to act like a crazy fuck to keep your sanity in that place. Either way, I asked Poser if she would go with me, and that has the potential to be a pretty fantastic evening. Especially considering that SoCo is Huh’s best friend.
I am, officially, done with work, I think. I still have to powerwash the parking lots on Saturday, but that’s not actually working IN the gas station, which would make me want to slit my throat. So, that’s fucking awesome.
My dad was planning on taking me back to Moscow since my car is an asshole, and we talked about it; considered borrowing the company truck because his jeep has a hard time going 80 in wind and shit. But he can’t borrow the truck, and I’m worried that all my shit won’t fit, so he asked if Poser would let us use her Escape. I called her and asked if she would take me (I was pretty sure she wouldn’t be too keen on letting us take her only real means of transportation), and it seems like that’s going to be the plan, but we have some kinks to work out. It would be best if she could take me, anyway, because that saves my dad the trouble of sitting in a car for 8ish hours as well as the missed day of work. Plus, roadtrips with Poser are always fun as fuck. Infuriating, because she never lets me drive, but still fun.
I’m going to go take a shower now. Happy cleansing.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
All I want to do sometimes is curl into a little ball and cry. Not necessarily because I am sad, but because I am tired. I am fed the fuck up with my job, with money, with my car, with all the fucked up situations with “friends” and “lovers” and “one night stands.” I can’t wait to be finished working for the summer, and to get my financial aid figured out. All I really want to do is get in my car and drive; get lost in the passing of the outside world and just let myself think. But alas, I cannot, because my car is still broken. It’s been almost a month since I have driven a vehicle to my satisfaction. I’m tired of feeling like I have no way to vent. And every single day that I walk into work, I wait for something to go wrong. I put off going into the cooler for as long as possible because I know that the fucking retards I work with are so conveniently incompetent as to have fucked it up the night before. And yet I bust my ass each and every day I’m there for too little pay and massive underappreciation. And then am filled with resentment. I need to chill out or be lazy. Either way, I have the feeling I will still be greatly dissatisfied.
I have to say, I breathed a sigh of relief and surprise when Spooner texted me back tonight. For some reason, I felt as though he was going out of his way to avoid me, which for a while was understandable, but then was simply painful considering he is my friend and I care about him. Regardless, I’m over it, and I’m just glad that he’s talking to me, at least. That’s all I really wanted.
He and I are fighting quite frequently lately, and it’s bothersome. At times I question whether or not reconciliation was a great idea; at times I feel like we’re friends trying to be lovers. There are so many things that I feel concerning He and myself, and not all of them are positive. He is constantly telling me that he wants me to open up to him, and it’s frustrating. It’s not that I’m completely guarded, but I am aware that I am cautious. I keep certain aspects of myself to myself, and I don’t particularly feel like sharing those aspects with anyone. The only person I ever really talk to about those things is Poser, and it’s not because I don’t trust He, it’s just because I don’t feel like some things need to be talked about with/to him until I have them completely worked out in my head. I get the impression that I cause He a lot of pain, and in general, adapting to the new version of our relationship is incredibly difficult. To be blunt and perfectly honest, there are times when I do wish that I were still single. Sometimes I wonder if getting back together with him was the right thing to do. It’s nothing personal against him, it’s just that sometimes something inside me snaps and I feel like maybe I’m not 100% where I should be. Especially considering how I need to be with/to him in order for him to feel okay about things and be happy. Frankly, I feel a lot of pressure, and it’s difficult and frustrating. I deal with a lot of doubts and “what if” thoughts. I almost guarantee he will read this and think that I want to break up with him or that I have issues with him. I wish it were simpler to explain so that he could understand. I’m just not 100% sure where I stand right now. I’m really not. And honestly, that’s my bad, because I probably should be in order to contribute positively to this relationship.
I’m looking forward to the cabin this weekend. I hope it will just be a fun, worry-free weekend. I just want to hang out with my friends and have some stress-free time to figure out everything that’s been wreaking havok in my brain lately. Plus, I really really want to a.) go swimming and b.) drink a lot in the woods [campfire is optional].
This is not the blog I wanted it to be, but I really want to go to bed. Sleep has been evasive lately. I’m going to fervently pursue, then hold that bitch down and fuck her ’til she bleeds.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I feel like I have so much shit to do and no time or money with which to do it. School starts on the 25th of August, and I haven’t even paid for housing yet. My car is broken. I still need to figure out my financial aid. I only make enough money to pay my bills. I’m living paycheck to paycheck, and it blows.
I broke our essentially new lawnmower this morning. It’s fixable, but I have to pay for it. It’s just a fucking irritation that I really don’t want to have to deal with. I wanted to be done mowing the lawn by now. Weak sauce.
I feel as though I spend a lot of time complaining and not a lot of time doing anything to change things.
I complain about money, but I don’t work during school and I don’t bother trying to find a better job.
I complain about my weight, but I am too apathetic to work out.
I complain about my car, but I don’t take care of it as well as I should.
I complain about friends (or lack of), but I don’t make as much effort as I could.
I complain all the goddamned time, and I never do anything. I just wade around in my puddle of self-pity and bitterness until I fall into a deep spot and explode. Just once, even if for one day, I want things to be fucking perfect. I want to be able to be secure about my finances and responsibilities, and not feel like the world is against me.
quarterlife doesn’t hate me, and that makes me feel so fucking good I can’t even explain.
Once again, I feel like I have so much to say, but I can’t figure out words.
I’ll get back to you.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
So, my phone took a fucking dive yesterday, and I have to wait until tomorrow to get a new one. What the fuck is the point of having insurance on my phone if I still have to pay a goddamned deductible of $50 to replace it? Money down the fucking drain, like always.
Which reminds me. My check was going to be super fantastic, and I was overly stoked about it, and then noted the fact that taxes ruin my goddamn life. It was still a decent check, but after paying for my phone, and then gas, and then having to pay the phone bill soon, I’m going to have very little money. Again. I’m so fucking sick of living paycheck to paycheck. I’m not even out of school yet, and the fucking adult life is raping me, hard.
Which reminds me. I don’t have enough money for school. I was going to call Financial Aid today, but I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING PHONE, so I can’t. I’m hoping that I can get some more money, otherwise I’m totally fucked. There’s nothing I can do. When am I going to start getting paid for my existance? That would be lovely. Just like, a nickel for every time I take a breath or something.
Ugh. I’m tired. I just want enough money to take care of everything without having to work my ass off for not enough money for anything. I’m tired of shit going wrong, and I’m tired of having to struggle to make ends meet. I’m 20 goddamn years old and I already feel like I’ve been working my entire life. I suppose bitching doesn’t really change anything, but every now and then I just get fed the fuck up. I don’t want to play anymore.
P.S. My boyfriend is adorable.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Today was magical. Fantastic. Amazing.
I say this in the most sarcastic tone imaginable.
I dragged my pathetic, lazy ass out of bed this morning and went to work. Work was busy all fucking day, hooray sunshine and people being inspired to get gas and propane and whatever else we sell. I was in a decent mood, however, because no one was being particularly assholeish today. He brought me a shaved ice, and it was delicious. We talked a bit; discussed our plans to hang out later and go watch The Happening. I got off work (finally – the fucking propane train showed up as I was attempting to leave), stood around and shot the shit with B-Rex for a little bit, and then went home. I jumped in the shower and headed to the theater to meet He.
First things first, there is a slight awkward tension between us, and it eminates mostly from him. I’m trying my damnedest to be his friend. Whatever. So he pays for the movie, we go in, we sit, we talk a bit, whatever, there’s a half hour of goddamned previews, and then the movie starts. I feel weird sitting next to him because we would normally be holding hands, or he would have a hand on my leg, or something, and I’m not used to us not touching in some way. But I get over it, because we are broken up. Once the movie ends, we go outside and we’re standing by my car talking. I can see the wheels turning in his head, and I ask him what (I’m always asking him what), and he sort of tries to kiss me (I saw it coming, I knew it). We then dive headfirst into a conversation I quite possibly could have gone without (at least for the sake of my emotions and my sanity).
He still wants to be with me. He sat in my car, looked me in the face and told me that he still loves me. That’s he’s crazy about me. That he’s enchanted by me. He told me that he wants to try. That he wants to do the dumb little things, that he wants to make me things, that he wants to buy me clothes and dinner and all of the amazing things that I needed from him, he wants to do. He wants to try. He wants me. A flood of sadnessragebitternesslonginghurt washed over me, and all I could say to him was, “You missed it.” And he knows. We talked in depth about that, and he’s still not going to give up. I want to cry because it all hurts so much. It hurts that he’s so sad, and it’s essentially my fault. It hurts that he still wants me. It hurts that he still loves me. It hurts that he’s now being the man and wanting to be the man I needed him to be when we were together. It takes everything in me to refuse his offer because it sounds so damned good. It really does. Because I do still love him (I’m always going to love him) and some part of me does still want to be with him. But I can’t. I have to take care of me, and I can’t do it anymore. Loving him killed me. Because I loved him too much. And he wasn’t what I needed him to be for me. The He that he’s being now, or that he wants to be now. And I told him that. WHY? Why couldn’t you want to try when I needed you to? When I begged you to? When I was miserable because I felt like you didn’t want to be with me anymore and all I needed was something, some little thing? Where was it then? Where was the intense love that you showed me tonight? Why couldn’t you do it then, when I needed it so badly? I can’t put myself through it again. I won’t. It will only end up the way it did this time; he’ll get sick of me, or focus on my faults, or whatever, and that will be that. We’re not going to live happily ever after. I don’t care how wonderful it would be, or for how long. That’s how we started. He was like this when we first got together. And it was truly magnificent. But time wears you down. We’re not meant to be. We can’t be. I just want to scream at him at the top of my lungs. It’s too late. It’s too goddamned late and that takes me back to square one. The way I felt when we finally parted ways tonight was the way I felt when we officially broke up. I longed to lay in my bed in a seemingly numb stupor. I still kind of do. I feel drained, and sad, and bitter. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. I hate you. I hate you for making me love you. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t tell you so. “Everything’s eventual.”
Thus, my day ended on an emotionally devastating note, and my brain feels like it is made of ice cubes. Clacking against each other, slowly melting in a an icy, painful drip.
What I really, really wanted, to be completely honest with the world, was to be able to call Spooner, and talk to him, or something, or at least make him let me go hug him. That’s what I needed. I don’t know why it was him, aside from the fact that I have very few male friends (or friends, for that matter), and I needed a hug from a male friend. It gets back down to the fucking retarded trust/friendship situation between us, where, once again (story of my fucking LIFE), I care more and have far more interest in the relationship than the other person. I’ve learned to deal with this with Spooner, but when things like this happen, it’s incredibly difficult. Regardless, I suck it up the best I can, because really, what other option do I have? And I’ll continue sucking it up, because I refuse to spend my days a mindless, miserable zombie. I HAVE to move on with my life, or it will go on without me. I feel, at current, that I have two options. I can either immerse myself in friends; depend on people, hang out, whatever (though this proves to be difficult because the people I have come to consider friends don’t seem to have any interest in being such), or I can withdraw completely from everyone (which seems so goddamned compelling considering the status of the prior). I feel superflous with stagnant emotions that I cannot do anything with. And damn it, Spooner. Why is it that the one person you need the most is never there when you need them the most? The world has a cruel set of rules, and I’m tired of having no one to turn to when all I need is someone.
Someone pour some hot water in my head and shake me around so the ice will melt completely and I can just be done with it. I don’t need my brain or the problems it seems to cause anymore.
Why, fucking why can’t someone just be there for me when I need them (Poser, you don’t count and you know why, though you know I appreciate you very much)?
Well hell, at least I’ll sleep well tonight. Crying makes for a puffy-eyed, sleepy Holly.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
And I hate it. Loathe it. Abhor it.
I’ve sunken into a quiet depression that I constantly ignore. And tonight, in the culmination of my confronting drama llamas shitting all over my life, I almost lost it. The depression reared it’s ugly head, and I nearly had a complete breakdown in the middle of Denny’s. I’ve come to terms with an overpowering feeling that makes me want to curl up into a little ball and cry for the rest of my life: I am alone. I constantly push away the people I care most about, and I don’t realize that I am doing it until it is too late. It took two and a half years for me to do it with He. And damned if my skills aren’t improving, because it only took about a week with Spooner. And I seem to be doing a hell of a job with quarterlife as well. It’s time for me to dump. Brutally honest, harsh, and unnecessarily dramatic. Ready, kids? Strap in for a ride.
He: My tactics for dealing with the end of what had become a normal part of my life are completely fucked up, and as much as they seem to be working, they’re not. Avoidance. That’s all I’m doing. I’m avoiding thinking about him. I’m avoiding admitting to missing him. I’m avoiding the whole situation, and doing such has prevented me from being a blubbering, pathetic idiot. But when it comes down to it, I’m miserable. I want to lay around and cry and wallow in self-pity. Because truth be told, my heart is broken, and I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t want to deal with that. And I know sooner or later I’m going to self-destruct because I am neglecting my personal repsonsibility to myself, and am attempting to “recover” in the worst ways possible. There is no possible way I’m ever going to get over it if I don’t face it and accept it. But I don’t have the strength, and I am terrified. I can’t do it on my own, and no one can do it with me. So I’m fucked. Truth? I’m not sad because we broke up. I’m sad because I am in love with him and our relationship was going nowhere fast. I’m sad because I am in love with him and that wasn’t enough. I’m sad because I wasn’t able to make an amazing man as happy as he made me, or, more importantly, as happy as he deserves to be. I’m sad because everything is eventual.
quarterlife: I love her dearly, I really do. But my brain has taken over and tough love has kicked in. I empathize with a lot of her situations. But my brain will not allow me to condone the poor choices she makes in order to deal with her problems. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. And then I forced myself to hear the delightful popping noise when the head comes out of the ass and starts breathing oxygen. More than any other friendship, my patience is being tested. I will not give up on her, and I am not judging her. I simply want more for her, and I want her to want more for herself. I am sure I am not the friend she expected or wanted me to be, and I feel bad about that. But I can only do so much. I can only be so much. And I know for a fact that my expectations are not too high, because she is a truly remarkable human being. It’s just infuriating watching her flail around while not realizing that about herself.
Spooner: Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can’t tell myself “I told you so” enough at this point. Prime example of my innate capability to create distance between myself and the people I desire to be closest to. Fuck.
The question I keep asking myself is this: What the fuck am I doing with my life? I’m not quite sure exactly what I mean when I ask that, but I really want to know the answer. Why am I refusing to deal with the loss I have just experienced? Why do I feel badly about everything that I do? Why does my stomach always hurt?
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
I wrote this three years ago, and somehow, it still makes sense.
“Fuck Your Fairytale Ending”
There is no happy ending
for this chaotic one-way love.
No fairytale,
no movie scene,
no happy rise above.
There is no course of action
for this confusing complex game.
No path to choose,
no road to take,
the feelings stay the same.
There is no quick solution
for this fire we allow to burn.
No air-tight space,
no water hose,
these scars teach us to learn.
There is no consolation
for this emotion misconstrued.
No happy end,
no fairytale,
just me and solitude.
Filed under: Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Stop putting it in my butt, Why why why?
I can officially say (in a purely metaphorical sense, obviously) that my asshole hurts. Life is fucking me harder and faster and has absolutely no intention of stopping, it seems.
First of all, after spending a general total of about $738 to buy and install the part for my car, I now apparently need to spend $518 more in order to fix the shit underneath it that’s bent. Counting the wheel and tire and the towing, I’m up to about $1,500. I paid $1,000 for the car itself.
So, now I have to take out a loan, which I really don’t want to do, but I don’t have a choice. I’m so goddamn excited, you have no idea. On top of that, I’m not getting all that much financial aid for next year. At least at this point, it doesn’t look like I am. Which means that I’m either going to have to get a job while I’m in school next year or I’m going to have to get a badass job this summer so that I can make sure that everything is taken care of. Have I mentioned lately how fucking much I HATE money?
On a slightly happier note, I just finished my PowerPoint. I’ve been in the computer lab since 12:30. So. Six hours, and I’m finally finished with it. I don’t feel like I did it right, but I don’t care. It’s colorful and fantastic.
However, six hours (did I mention the fact that it was STRAIGHT? No interruptions?) in the computer lab means I really need to go pee, and DESPERATELY need a cigarette. So I’m off.
I just realized…only one person reads this. I doubt she even does. Woe is me.
