Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, Well shit
I just want to let you know, whoever reads this, that I’m out.
I’m gone for a while. I’m disconnecting.
I woke up this morning and could barely see. I essentially have two black eyes, minus the black. And I couldn’t get any solid sleep last night because a) I kept crying and b) my head was pounding from crying. I’m really glad I a have a huge presentation today. Good timing.
My opinion doesn’t matter. What I think doesn’t matter. How I feel doesn’t matter.
But there is a huge mistake being made.
Thus, I am going to withdraw, and learn to deal with it. That’s all I can do at this point. That and hope to God that I can get through today without bawling.
This is the antithesis of cool.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
This odd mixture of emotions is getting the better of me, and sometimes it feels as though the only way to go on living with even the most minute type of normalcy is to completely ostracize myself. It’s like the only way I can do okay or be okay is to limit my interaction with the rest of the social world. Which is odd in itself, as I’m craving company. I’m stuck in a horrific conundrum, and I don’t want to play anymore.
I have so much to do, and I don’t feel like I have the time to do it. I have obligations and constraints, and there simply is not enough time in the day without my running myself completely ragged. Break cannot come soon enough. And even then, I have to try to get a lot of work done during the break as well. Huzzah.
Things have started to happen, also, that bother me. I’m not upset, I’m not mad, I’m just…irritated. I feel like I’m struggling to empty my already overflowing plate, and shit just keeps being shovelled onto it. Please, please, leave me alone! I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I feel like I’ve been doing okay lately, you know, being responsible and whatnot, and getting things taken care of, but that’s academically. Once academics and my life start raping me up the ass, I start to get a little flustered. And a little flustered can easily turn into a lot flustered.
I just want to go home. I want to be done with some of the shit I am in the middle of (fortunately, some of it will be out of the way before the week is up) and get on with it. I want to get on with it.
I found me again. It’s odd, because due to the situation, I’m not all that happy. But I am happy. I’m that girl who I used to be, but better. I’m bright. I laugh. I radiate. And it’s so much better than how I used to be. And my first thought when I realized this was that it’s too bad that He isn’t around to experience it, and isn’t interested anyway.
Because I’m the type of girl he’d fall in love with. All over again.
Mostly, I’m just checked out on the shit that doesn’t matter. The small stuff doesn’t even roll off, because I don’t let it touch me. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to freak the fuck out about things that are inconsequential or out of my control.
I’m better now. I wish the people I want and need to see that actually would.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
I feel strange. It’s an odd mixture of emotions and I can’t seem to put my finger on one individually.
For some strange reason, the change in the weather makes the missing that much worse. It’s bothersome.
I’ve realized lately that I’m going through withdrawals. I knew it was going to happen, but it’s set it pretty violently lately. I miss watching movies. I don’t remember the last time I just cuddled up and watched one. And I want to. Badly. It’s one of the few things I really enjoy doing, and I can’t ever or don’t ever get to do it. It’s kind of breaking me down.
quarterlife was talking to me today about some problems she’s been having, and it make me consider some things that I was aware of but that hadn’t fully settled in realistically. Then they did and I felt like a douche.
I can’t wait to go home. There are so many people I want to see. Plus, maybe I’ll get to reclaim my house, and my couch, and watch a movie.
Oh, and a warning for some of you (I’m not going to name names): there will be hugs. Fierce ones.
I’m lonely.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, WTF?, Well shit
I want to vomit violently to rid myself of the feeling lodged in my gut. It’s 20% hangover and 80% guilt.
I’m doing so well at not being a fucking prostitute, but I still make stupid choices, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of all this bullshit. I’m tired of drama, I’m tired of masking how shitty I feel all the time, I’m tired of having quasi-friends.
So, why don’t I do something about it, right? There’s only so much I can do. I can’t force people to like me. I can’t force myself to move on from something my heart won’t let go of. I can only fake it for so long before I have a complete meltdown. I think that’s when I start to make the stupid choices. And I’m not so sure it’s just because of the alcohol.
On the upside, I found a ride home for break. So that’s good.
Also, I feel like total shit. I can’t stop shaking. I wasn’t ready.
Filed under: Fuck, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, PISSED, WTF?, Well shit
You make me scream.
On the inside.
I have so much that I just stuff down, because I know it’s old. It’s tired. It’s worn out, and no one wants to hear it anymore. But fuck it.
I STILL LOVE YOU. It’s not going away. You can fuck her all you want. She can make stupid comments on your Facebook. You can have a crush on her and want to date her. It doesn’t change the ferocity with which I love you. Period. I do everything I can to make it go away. I stuff it down. I ignore it. I stifle it the best I can.
Get out of me. Go away. I can’t do this anymore. And it’s your fucking fault.
I’m so tired. I’m. So. Tired.
Fuck this noise. I’m out.
Edit: this reads really, really rude and bitter. I can’t deny some bitterness, but I guarantee, text skews intent. Period. I don’t mean to be a bitch, or to be instigative or whatnot. I’m just expressing myself. And sometimes the interwebs are not the best medium. But I don’t have a lot of options. My apologies to anyone offended. Get at me and I will clarify.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit
In an up and down kind of way, I beginning to feel comfortable in my own skin.
I’m fairly certain that I think too much.
I miss He a lot lately, usually at night. And I do my damnedest to leave him alone. He doesn’t need me.
I’m stuck. I’m happy, but I’m not happy. It’s like being content because you have Jell-o, but it’s not the flavor you wanted. So it’s good, but it’s not as good as it could be. I’m stuck wanting things that I can’t have. Why do I do this to myself? Unobtainable.
I’m starting to freak the fuck out, kids, because it’s crunch time, especially in Senior Seminar, and I’m not making the progress I feel like I should be making. I have no clue how the hell to even begin the presentation that’s due in a week. I have a presentation for another class in roughly a month, on a book that I haven’t even begun to think about reading. On top of it all, I just want to go home for break, and I have no way to get there at the moment. And I’m not sure I’m going to find a way. Balls.
I don’t even know how to say all the things I want to say. I feel emotionally retarded.
Filed under: Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I don’t know what I need to do differently (well, I suppose I do), but something has got to change. I’m getting really tired of getting up to go work out and being struck with the overwhelming need to vomit. So I dry heave a bunch, and then go lift weights, and dry heave a bunch, and then come back to my room, and then go to Bodysculpting, and dry heave a bunch, and work out, and then go actually puke (it’s mostly just bile, which, let me tell you, is tons of fun), and then work out more. Today I felt like I was going to pass out, and there were pretty little stars floating around in my field of vision for the better part of the class.
I know I just need to eat more, specifically breakfast, but it’s really hard, because eating breakfast makes me throw up, too (yes, I’ve tried it). I eat really well when I do eat, I just don’t do it often enough, I suppose. My dad seems to be pretty concerned about it, because I called him to ask him about what I could do or what was going on, and he asks me every time we talk if I’m still puking.
I suppose it’s the price you pay to look good? I can’t even really tell if anything is changing for me body-wise. I seem to have plateaued at 150, which is kind of depressing, but my pants are also too big for me, and there’s definition in my biceps and shoulders/back. I suppose living in my body makes it hard for me to judge the changes, if in fact there are many/any.
I really want someone to come cuddle with me and watch a movie.
And it’s been FAR too long since I’ve had sex or done anything even close to it. It’s good, but oh, oh, so fucking bad.
I want to go home. Two weeks.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I preface this with a sigh, because that is all I have.
My body aches. My mind aches. Everything aches. Everything is tired. I’m ready for this semester, at very least, to be over.
I haven’t had sex in a month, and though I take pride in that, it’s also extremely frustrating, in more ways than I care to address at current.
I’m going to run out of money, and that’s okay, I guess, but again, frustrating.
I really just want to get all my shit done so I can sit around with some “friends” and drink some beer and refuckinglax.
More when I actually have time.
How long have I been wasting my time?
It’s a very cold realization. Stark. Shocking. It’s as though mommy told me I could have a puppy if I could take care of it by myself. So I got motivated and started taking the steps to be able to get what I wanted. I even have the puppy picked out. I know what I want, and I have been told what I have to do to get it. But then, out of the blue, mommy says no, I can’t have the puppy. “I’m sorry it didn’t work out.” And I’m devastated. I don’t know how much energy I wasted. I don’t know how much time I wasted. And I can’t bear to think about how much emotion I invested in something that fell apart before I even had a chance.
And it’s old fucking news. Everyone else has moved on. Everyone else is irritated at the repetition. And I seem to be the only one that’s stuck in the fog, hanging behind, grasping blindly with my arms outstretched in front of me, desperate for something to hold on to, for someone to guide me through. I’m alone. And all I want has been denied. Realizing that is like an unexpected slap in the face. I’m still reeling.
I need to figure out what to do before I do something terrible. I need to figure out how to make it go away before it consumes me. I’m on a path to self-destruction. I can feel it. I’m developing tendencies toward notions I know are stupid. And I can’t help it.
You couldn’t even say something nice.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I stumbled. People keep telling me that I’m too hard on myself, but I have an idea of how I want to be, and I’m not sticking to it very well. Granted, kissing isn’t sex. And it was very brief. But it still makes me look back and cringe. My stomach flip-flops. It’s a really harsh moment of “shit.“
But that’s okay. Because I have a lot to do in order to actually get the hell out of here. I have a lot of goals that I really, really want to reach, and I’m going to. Period.
Because I want it that badly.
Something changed. Something actually, for real-real not for play-play changed.
Finally.
I can breathe. It’s still hard, and there’s still a rattle in there somewhere, but every day gets a little easier. I think I’m finally doing something right. It’s the distance, now, that’s killing me. The missing. That’s the hard part. That’s what sometimes wraps itself around me and starts to squeeze, usually at night. Or on a particularly beautiful day. The missing, the longing, the misery. But it’s getting easier. Not like I’m getting over it, but more like I’m finding it easier to deal with. This is perhaps the most intense feeling of resolve I have ever experienced. I said I was fighting a losing war. But I’m not so sure I am. I feel like if I believe enough, and I fight like hell, maybe, just maybe, there’s a chance that I can get out of this alive. And even with some sense of triumph.
My father wants me to go to Ohio with him and the girls for Thanksgiving. I don’t want to. I know that seems terrible, because I do want to spend time with them, but I really just want to be home. I don’t want to drive across the country to spend Thanksgiving in a foreign place with foreign people. I want to sit on my couch and watch TV. I want to cuddle up with my dog and do my homework. I want to go to dinner with my mother and my brother and I want to see all my friends. I want to see Poser before she moves away. I want to see quarterlife. I want to spend time with the people who mean a lot to me. Not to say that my family doesn’t, but I don’t want to drive for 8 hours just to drive again to some place I don’t want to be. Ugh. I suppose we will see how that goes. The entire dad/family situation is a bunch of drama right now, and I to be honest, I don’t want to deal with it. I don’t have the time or the energy. I have much bigger things to focus on. Like getting on top of shit so I can graduate.
I feel like I kept falling down, and I’ve finally stood up. I’ve finally dusted myself off, and now I’m keeping an eye on my footing. I have my entire fucking future to look forward too, and I was spending entirely too much time trying to run toward it without paying attention to my surroundings. I’m taking my time. When it comes time to run, then I’ll do it. But at the moment, I’m content with walking. I’m okay with making sure I’m taking the right steps to get where I want to go.
Will you be there when I get there?
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Stephen King wrote that, and it just kind of stuck with me.
Some day, I’m going to learn that loving myself is more important than loving someone else, especially when it is thrown in my face that I’m wasting (and possibly had wasted) my time.
Some day, I’m going to wake up and look in the mirror and believe that I’m as beautiful as I think I am on the inside.
Some day, I’m going to fix all the things I’ve broken, including myself.
I’m doing better lately. I resist temptations, or at least the ones that I know will get me into trouble or lead me to something I know I will regret. I’m angsty and sad and bitter, but I’m doing okay. Or at least very close to okay, most of the time. I think stupid amounts of physical activity helps.
I refuse to believe that I am a bad person, but I feel like I am. And I’m exhausted. I’m tired of feeling nothing but negative things about myself as a result of everything with He. It’s stupid. But I can’t bring myself to change it. I don’t really know how. Some of it is in his hands, I suppose, and it’s all such clusterfuckery that it doesn’t matter.
It never really mattered.
Some day, I’m going to have the strength to rise from the ashes and begin anew.
I am beautiful and brilliant. I am a good friend and a good person, and I am overlooked.
I don’t want to do it all over with someone else. That’s part of my problem, I think. I don’t want it with anyone else. I never asked for marriage. I never asked for forever. I never asked for much.
I’m sorry I couldn’t show you how much I love(d) you. And it’s not that I didn’t. I couldn’t. And now that I can, you don’t care.
I have so much to say, and no one to say it to.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit, Yays!
I’m suspended in some sort of etherial cloud.
I am cognizant of my emotions, but some of them are not within my control. For example, the guilt and disgust I feel about the things I have done plague me, but I choose to ignore them. The feelings I still struggle with toward He, however, are not so controllable. I can prevent feelings that arise from the initial feelings, but the root of them are permanent. It’s frustrating, because I’m trying to just be positive and move on. Even though I still don’t want to.
It’s only been five days, and already I’m starting to feel better. My resolve is unshaken. I’m eagerly anticipating becoming the person I want to be rather than the person I was becoming. There are certain things I want that would make the process easier, but I suppose learning to deal without them is helpful in its own way as well. I miss He terribly. It happens mostly at night, and its frustrating. But I swallow it, because what else is there to do? I need to leave him alone and let him live his life. He doesn’t need me.
For now, I suppose, that is all.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
To the few of you that have proven to me the things I have doubted, thank you.
I finally have experienced the painful and difficult realization that my behavior has got to stop. There are serious and terrifying consequences to what I have been doing, and I should avoid them rather than just hope for the best. I’m going to stop drinking and partying so much. And if I do happen to partake in either, I’m going to make sure it’s not in an environment that can get out of control. I don’t know what the hell I have been thinking, and I’m not sure that the way I have been feeling is a valid enough reason for the endeavors I have participated in. I used to pride myself on the fact that I hadn’t had sex with many people. Now I look back on the last couple of months and feel complete disgust and disappointment at what I’ve allowed myself to become. I have said it before, and this time I am going to prove it. That is not the girl I am, nor is it the girl I want to be. My rapid transformation into that girl is coming to and end. Now.
I don’t know how it happened, but I feel less pressure. I still have intense and overpowering feelings for He, but they’re not running my life. I can have a conversation with him without breaking down. Granted, I still want to; it eats at the back of my brain, but I don’t do it. I can control myself. A part of me is really happy about that, because I think that is going to enable me to do better in regards to healing. Another part isn’t so sure it’s what I really want to do. But at this point, what choice do I have? I love someone I cannot have, that does not want me, and the only thing to do is move past it, I suppose. Some shit about better to have loved and lost…
I am seriously resolute this time. I keep destroying myself because of the things I’ve been doing, and yet I continue to do them. I’m done. I’m tired of feeling the ways that I feel, I’m tired of putting myself in situations I deplore, I’m tired of all of it. And I keep doing it to myself. So why not just stop? It’s been brought to my attention that perhaps I need support. I’ve been yearning for that. I am inclined to think I need to do it by myself, to show myself that I don’t need someone else, that I can do it on my own, that I’m self-sustaining. But at the same time, I do see how having people who are cheering me on is only going to make the process easier. You know, positive reinforcement.
He is my best friend. It’s complicated, it’s messy, there’s still a lot of loose ends. But I appreciate his friendship, and I’m trying to limit it to just that. I very much want to keep him in my life. We’ll see how it goes.
quarterlife has touched me very deeply by proving to me that some people really do give a fuck, no matter what. It’s been shown to me before, but it is indescribably moving to me coming from her, especially considering all the bullshit we’ve gone through.
Again, to these few people, especially the two mentioned: thank you. I’m not going to let you down this time.
I’m not going to let me down.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit, Why why why?
I’ve really got to learn to stop.
It’s a downward spiral, and I don’t have anyone to pull me out of it, so I have to just work like hell to help myself. It’s incredibly hard, frustrating, and often unsuccessful. I’m tired of regressing back after I start doing so well. I think I’m almost out and then I get sucked in even deeper.
I’m just tired of this shit. I’m tired of feeling worthless or meaningless. I’m tired of being afraid.
Someone punch me in the face, and tell me that I’m an idiot. I can’t even learn from my mistakes, as I keep making the same ones over and over and over again.
I’m sure it will all be okay.
The question is when?
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not entirely sure how I feel, or what I’m doing, or what I’m supposed to feel, or what I’m supposed to be doing, but I am resolute.
Thing have to change, at very least. I’ve gotten a handle on my uncharacteristic behaviors, with few slip-ups, and I intend to keep improving in that respect. I’m tired of having to torture myself the next day for actions that were ill-thought out or too quickly adhered to. It’s not so much what I’m doing, but why I’m doing it. So, I suppose, it’s actually both. Either way, I’m too exhausted to do it to myself anymore. I have far too much going on as it is, and I don’t need to focus my energy on how stupid I’ve been. I need to just knock it off. Developing self-esteem and self-respect should not be as difficult as I seem to be making it, nor should it happen in the ways I am endeavoring to achieve it. I believe that I can be happy without placating myself with a false sense of validation from temporary physical benefits. What I want cannot be substituted, and I need to make sure I remember that before I take my pants off, or whatever.
What I really need to do is buckle down and focus on school. It, on top of everything else going on in my life, is kicking my ass, and the apathy I feel toward it is not conducive to my success. It’s tricky for me, because I’m attempting to build myself a social network to inhibit the lonliness that consumes me, but that shouldn’t take away from the time I devote to school. And it does. So, apparently I need to work on that as well.
The frustrating part is that there is so much that needs to be done, and I am fully aware of it, and willing to do it, but I am so exhausted from having not done it that all I really want is to do nothing. Just lay in bed and sleep it all away. Because in bed, everything somehow seems better, minus the empty space next to me. Lonliness is like a violent rapist. There is no real struggle, because it just overpowers you. The more you attempt to struggle, or fight it off, the more it seems to enjoy violating you. The worse it gets. I’ve kind of taken to just laying there and letting it happen. Just get it over with. The real trouble comes from what results, the heaviness. I feel pregnant with the seed, the burden of lonliness. Abort, abort.
That is all, for now. I ache with the need to purge, but I need to find the words.
Maybe I’ve changed my mind.
My brother just kind of kicked my ass. I needed that.
I am better and stronger than this.
I’m not going to allow myself to be used and/or taken advantage of anymore.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
Today may have been a breakthrough. Or tonight, rather.
I didn’t show my breasts to anyone. I didn’t have sex with anyone. I kissed a friend, but that is all. That is the extent of it. And I explained to him why I didn’t necessarily want to just be friends with benefits.
I’m progressing.
I feel good. That is all I want to say at the moment, because I need to go to bed. Now.
P.S. Nipping out really hard (as in it being REALLY fucking cold outside) is painful and slightly arousing.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
It’s a strange situation, really.
I’m fine so long as I’m not thinking about it.
And then I’m alone, and the world comes crashing down, and I’m sick to my stomach, and I can’t handle anything, and I want to freak out or punch someone or rip my hair out.
This is the dumbest bullshit I have ever dealt with. EVER.
And then I take it out on He, just because I blame him for how I feel, which is also dumb, but I can’t help it, because I’m so fucking bitter about the fact that I can’t make him love me. I want to do something huge, something epic, something amazing that will show him how important this is to me, how badly I want him, how different I am and it could be. But I feel like even if I walked through fire, it wouldn’t be enough. Nothing I do is going to be enough, and I don’t know how to deal with that. There’s a lot of complicated shit that goes with that, and I just…ugh. I can’t handle it.
Fuck my life. I’m doing okay, though. That’s good.
I think I’ve got roughly three guys “interested” in me, and that’s…difficult. I’ve been doing fairly well with staving off using them, though, and that’s good. I hang out with them, because they’re cool guys, but I’m not going to allow myself to give in to their interests purely so that I can feel better about how desperately unwanted and worthless I feel. Just because I ache to be wanted, loved, whatever, doesn’t mean I’m going to take advantage, regardless of what their motives are or how pure their intentions are. It’s just not something I want to do. Ever.
I’m tired of making everyone else miserable.
Moving on to step two.
Oh, and also, my phone isn’t here yet, and if it doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to fucking RAGE. Because I have to go to Verizon to get the service switched over, and if I don’t get there before they close…oh my god. So grumpy.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Meh, Oh NOES, Well shit
I made a small breakthrough last night!
I didn’t make out with anyone. I didn’t do anything sexual. I did show one person my goodies, but that’s better than showing everyone, which it seems like I’ve been doing. So there’s that.
I’m feeling okay about things lately. I don’t know if it’s because I found a friend, or because I’m coming to some sort of piece with my hope, or because I’m tired of fucking myself over…but I’m feeling okay. It’s pretty nice.
I’m thinking it will all be okay.
And then I remember why I’m going home this weekend. FML.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Inspired, My heart hurts, Well shit, Yays!
Today was a good day.
Aside from feeling like shit about what I’ve been doing.
Which I’m not doing anymore. Day one: success.
I even got quite a bit accomplished in terms of homework. So, I’m pretty content with that.
There was a little rough spot, but it was just a twinge of sadness in response to the email from He’s mom. It’s nice to talk to her. She’s a little crazy, but I love her, and I miss her a lot. I miss all of it a lot. So, that was a hill to get over, but I did.
I’m looking into counceling. Thinking maybe I’ll find some time to make myself better. I’m not going to get over He, and I’m not sure that’s the goal I need to set. I think I need to concentrate on fucking taking care of myself before I set any epic goals. I’m getting this shit figured out. Day one, but I’m making progress. Baby steps.
The first step to getting over a problem is admitting you have one. Uh, epic check.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I need to knock it the fuck off.
What the fuck am I doing to myself?
I don’t know if it’s alcohol, or just my blatant disregard for myself due to a lack of self-respect, but I am doing things that aren’t characteristic of me. Again. Granted, some part of me does want to do them, hence why I do, but I don’t think that they are things that are conducive to my getting better. I’m okay, I think, for the most part. And then…and then I do something that makes me feel cheap and disgusting the next morning, and I’m sick to my stomach with guilt, and I’m not sure why I feel guilty at all. Because I know it’s wrong? Because I know I probably shouldn’t have done it, and whatever reason I have FOR doing it isn’t good enough? “Because I wanted to” isn’t a good enough reason for me. It is, but it’s not.
I feel like I’ve lost my fucking mind, and that’s the hard part. I’m on a quick road to destruction, and I need to grab the wheel and pull a sharp U-turn. And I recognize that, but don’t seem to be able to do it just yet. I feel like I should withdraw from the world, because my participation in it is doing me more harm than good at this point.
It’s time, for real-real, to get my shit in order.
It starts today.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I think I’ve finally reached the breaking point.
It has all culminated into one brilliant, disgusting moment, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with myself. And I don’t really know how to go about cleaning up the mess I’ve become, or the messes I’ve made.
I need to stop. Just…stop, period. I do things that make me look back and cringe. I behave in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of me, just because I can. I’ve gotten far too out of control. And it’s time to rein myself in. I don’t like the way things are going, and thus, and I have to do something about it.
The image that keeps coming into my head is that I’ve been fighting against a whirlpool. It had been pulling at me, harder and harder, and I had been swimming against it, exhausted, trying to keep myself out of it, every stroke draining me. And it just seems like I either finally lost the battle, or I just gave in, and now I’m swirling down, down, down, and if I don’t do something, I’m going to drown.
At what point am I going to start taking my own advice?
Too many unanswered questions, kids. That’s my problem.
How the fuck do I get over He when part of me wants to hold out?
And should I really hold out when there’s no guarantee?
Ugh. I’m going to do some homework now. I’m sure I’ll post again later.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Sometimes I feel like my best option is to withdraw from myself. Lonliness has become my closest and most endearing friend, and I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s one of those friendships that you don’t particularly enjoy, but you can’t really bring yourself to get out of, because no matter where you go or what you do, that friend is there, tagging along. You don’t really like this friend, but at least you have one, and you’re afraid to give that up. Lonliness is bullying me, but I don’t have the balls to stand up to it.
Something happened tonight that knocked the air out of me. I sort of saw it coming, but I guess I didn’t believe myself. I don’t think the situation is quite as bad as I am allowing myself to feel about it, but it’s still pretty shitty, and I don’t want to have to deal with the emotional repercussions. I know that I made a lot of mistakes over the summer. But I don’t believe that I am the kind of person that will do things simply for emotional or physical gratification, nor am I the type of girl that appreciates being called just for sex. He didn’t get what he wanted, but I am still left feeling cheap and disgusted with myself. How do I enable myself to get into these situations?
I feel like life keeps dealing me a really shitty hand. I know I bitch a lot, but come on, really? I’m down to play the game, I’d just really like to win every now and then, you know?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit
I feel like I’ve come to some sort of stand-still in my life. I’ve been so caught up in the whirlwind, and now I’m standing completely still, the world whooshing around me, and I don’t know what to do. I’ve gotten this far, but what’s next? Where do I go from here? I’m not sure I want to rejoin that hectic, chaotic movement. I can breathe in my stasis. That’s the thing about standing still, though. I’m doing it alone. So as nice as it is to breathe, it’s like inhaling a slow poison. I can enjoy it right now, but eventually, it’s going to kill me.
I’m terrified that I have taught myself to be ingenuine. I feel very unhappy most of the time, but I can put on a happy face and act completely normal, even when I want to break down. The only person that it doesn’t happen with is He, and I hate that. I’m wasting my time. I’m wasting my energy. I’m wasting my feelings. It really feels like high school all over again, where I find myself completely in love with someone that barely notices me. That’s kind of a harsh way to represent the situation, but that’s the meat of it. I guess I’m just tired of being…defective. It’s like I’m some sort of fucked up Midas, except rather than gold, everything I touch turns to shit. And I shouldn’t feel this way, because I’m not the same. Even my friends have told me that I’m vastly different now than I was even 6 months ago. And I am. I am. I know I am. Why is it that the one person I want to see that, doesn’t?
I’m exhausted. I want one good day. One whole day that is so good that I don’t even have time to think about being down about anything. I do my best to make that happen, but I guess there’s only so much I can do. There’s only so much I can avoid thinking about. And there’s only so much supression I can handle.
I am what I am. I am flawed, I am stubborn, I am absurd.
I still deserve to be happy.
I still deserve to be loved.
I think I deserve a chance.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m having some.
I’m not sure I want to be friends with He. I mean, I know I do, but I don’t think it’s working out for me at this point. I’m at serious unease. Sometimes, I feel perfectly fine about things. But that’s in certain situations. The majority of the time, I’m kind of sick to my stomach. I’m annoyed. The entire thing is trying my patience, and I don’t really know how much more and I can endure. I think I’m subjecting myself to things that aren’t helping me in any way.
He’s fucking using me.
That’s my radtastic fucking epiphany for the day. Pretty stoked about it.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
I heard that you’ve been asking ’bout me,
least that’s the word out on the street.
I just don’t know what to believe.
Why was I dumb enough to leave?
I saw you with him today.
The boy who took my place.
You seemed so much happier with me,
Or maybe that’s just the way I wanted it to be.
But it’s just another one of those days
The way you made it feel so right
The way you fit into my arms at night
I’ll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.
But it’s just another one of those days.
Can’t help but feel a little upset,
about the things you and I never had.
I had the world but instead I threw it all away.
Now it’s just another one of those days.
So tell me what happens next.
It’s out of my hands I guess.
I just don’t know what to believe.
Why don’t you tell me to believe?
Why did you let me leave?
It’s not the way its gotta be.
What’s wrong with me?
Why don’t you tell me to believe?
Why did you let me leave?
It’s not the way this has to be.
But it’s just another one of those days
The way you made it all feel so right
The way you fit into my arms tonight.
I’ll remember that feeling for the rest of my life.
But it’s just another one of those days.
You can’t help but be a little upset,
About the things you and I never had.
I had the world but instead I threw it all away.
Now it’s just another one of those days.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
I’m quickly tiring of the rollercoaster. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m growing weary of the ups and downs.
One night I’m so desperately miserable that I have mutliple panic attacks and can barely keep my eyes open due to the amount of crying I’m doing. The next night, I feel fine. What is this?
Maybe it’s just because I distract myself with schoolwork. Or maybe I just tell myself that because on some level, I’m afraid that maybe I am starting to get over it and I’m not sure I’m ready/willing to.
Truth? I have no fucking idea what’s going on. And I might be okay with that.
Maybe.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
There are moments in my life that make me step back and look at my past self and cringe.
I’m not a perfect person.
I’ve made mistakes.
He and I had a conversation today that kind of shook me up. I’ve gotten to the point where I say that I don’t give a fuck what people think about me, which is true, but I guess He added a preface to it. As long as it’s not someone that I care a lot about and that means more to me than almost anything, I don’t give a fuck what people think about me. Sometimes it’s really hard to have someone you love say terrible things to you, especially when they’re (for the most part) true. It’s not easy at all. And not pleasant, either.
I just wanted to throw that out there. I’ve got a lot more, I just…I have things to do.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Oh NOES, SEXXX, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit
I am tired.
My body hurts.
My heart is conflicted.
My mind is overloaded.
I want to sleep for days.
But I want there to be someone there with me.
I think I’ve been doing pretty well with ignoring how lonely I am. Some nights are worse than others, though, especially when I feel the way I do. There is nothing I would love more than to be able to crawl into bed, cover myself in the warmth of someone’s arms, and sleep. I’m sure it’s He I miss, and his embrace, but at the same time, I kind of want to punch him in the face. Like, I want to punch him in the face and then cuddle with him. Get it out of my system and then bask in some sort of false reality.
What was will never be.
That’s hard for me.
And I don’t know why.
I was fucking happy, that’s why. And if one more person tries to tell me that I wasn’t, I’m going to freak out. I’m pretty sure I know better than anyone else how I felt. Regardless. It’s just one more awesome obstacle I have to hurdle.
I’m getting tired of jumping. Jumping hurdles. Jumping obstacles. Jumping through hoops. When do I just get to be? When do I get to just move on? He’s doing it, why can’t I? Why do I have to keep falling back down? My body is going to tire of the abuse, and I can’t do anything about it. What’s going to happen when I fall and can’t get back up again? What then?
I try not to think about it. Because I do keep getting back up. I don’t fall a lot; I mostly stumble. But I do fall. And my knees are bloody and ragged. It hurts to pick myself up and keep going. But I have to. It’s over.
It’s over.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Want to know the truth?
I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend.
He is still the most attractive guy I know.
I have no reason to be shy in saying that I want to fuck the hell out of him. Even without his encouragement.
I am a fucking idiot, and I would love to hear you tell me differently.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Inspired, My heart hurts, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
So, I’m going to be honest here.
Some days, I feel pretty good. I can keep the demons at bay, or they don’t even bother to wake up at all, and I have a decent time. I function, I can breathe, everything goes well. These are good days, and I feel like I’m okay, like I’m on the path to being totally okay. Like somehow maybe the whole evolution thing really is going to pan out, and I’m on my way to standing on my own two feet. I like these days.
Other days (mostly nights) I fall down. I fall down hard. These are bad days. The demons hold me down and choke the air out of me and I feel like I can’t do anything. It literally feels like I’m losing my mind, because everything becomes so overwhelming that I can’t breathe. I cry so hard that I can’t see straight, I can’t think, I can’t do anything. Pretty much the epitome of not fucking cool.
The truth:
There are days (nights) when I miss He so much that I feel like the world is collapsing on top of me.
I am still deeply, hopelessly, painfully in love with He. I can’t turn it off.
I feel like I threw away the best thing that ever did and possibly ever will happen to me.
He is my best friend, and that is not helpful at all. When you need to turn to someone and your best friend is also the source of your pain, things don’t exactly work out.
There isn’t a single thing on this campus that doesn’t make me think of He.
Sometimes I have to stop myself from calling He and asking if he wants to go to the Admin lawn and throw a frisbee around. It’s like I’ve forgotten.
I guess that’s the nutshell version. I don’t want to go in-depth because I’ve done pretty well with not having a complete meltdown today, minus when He called me and then later when my dad called. At some point I just have to take a breath and tell myself to knock it off. The only way things are going to change is if I start to get the fuck over it. Regression’s going to happen, that’s natural. But I feel like somehow my path to recovery is flawed, and in some way, I’m repressing things. Because when the regression into misery finally hits, it hits hard. It’s debilitating.
I need some sort of giant switch so I can shut myself off sometimes. That or I need the part of my brain removed that’s devoted to He. It’s nearly inexplicable. I want so desperately to explain it, but even in my head, it sounds pathetic.
I won’t be that girl.
Edit:
There’s also this. It’s very, very rough, but I think I kind of like it. It will go somewhere eventually.
I was the apple no one wanted
perhaps because I was difficult to see
perhaps because I was difficult to reach
but you climbed
and climbed
and kept climbing
because you wanted me
your mouth watered for me
you had to have me
and you worked so hard
for so long
and then you touched me
you reached me
you picked me
and I was rotten.
I was spoiled.
I filled your mouth with bitterness
and maggots.
And I thought
you threw me away
when you let me fall from your grasp
before I realized
I discarded you
by not being sweet
and juicy
and filling you with the flavor
you had so longed for.
I loved being yours but
I bruised my skin
I yellowed my insides
I became disgusting
because I knew I could never be
the taste that you deserved.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Well shit
I am officially done. I’m not doing this anymore. There is far too much shit going on that is far more important.
Here are the facts. I was violently in love with He. I was absurdly happy with him.
I did a terrible job of showing that to him, and spent a lot of time making him miserable.
I drove him away.
I did this.
So I’m going to suck it the fuck up. Yeah, I still love him. Yeah, I miss him. Yeah, I’m miserable because I know that maybe things would have been different if I hadn’t been so terrible, so unbearable. But I have a lot of life ahead of me. I’m pretty sure that clinging to this and allowing myself to be haunted by the nagging pain that follows me around is completely unneccesary.
I’m hoping that I am not really broken, and that I’m not doomed to a lifetime of lonliness because I drive away everyone I love. It’s difficult for me to believe, but I try to tell myself that there is someone out there who will love me. I try to tell myself that I’m not impossible to love. That I’m not unloveable.
I try to tell myself that there’s nothing wrong with me.
I threw away the best thing I’ve ever had. And it’s time for me to get over it.
For real-real, not for play-play.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Okay, so maybe I’m a goddamned liar. Maybe I just get far too optimistic sometimes. Maybe, just maybe, I really don’t handle being lonley very well. I truly want to believe that I am okay without He up here, and that would be a whole lot easier if I could keep myself occupied. Because it’s turning into an issue. It’s not just missing him. It’s not just feeling like something about being up here is off, missing, incomplete. It’s not just being kind of sad that we’re broken up and everything – everything – is different. It’s that I start thinking back, back to when we broke up, and I start getting sad/hurt/angry again. I go out of my way not to call He and ask him why the fuck he replaced me. And then I have to battle with myself in order to convince myself that he didn’t replace me, no matter what it feels like. Just because there is absolutely no other way I can feel about the situation doesn’t mean that that’s how it is. And mostly, I’m just fucking irate because I swear to JESUS I thought I was over this horseshit. So, in a nutshell, I am trying really hard to just not think about anything pertaining to He at all. Which is difficult. But I’m doing my best, and it’s going to get better. It’s going to get better. I refuse to allow this shit to happen again.
So. I’m not entirely sure that any of that made sense or even came out the way I wanted it to, but I had to fucking vomit it out somewhere, because I’m having a difficult time this morning. I know there’s going to be a problem when I go to bed in a decent mood and wake up feeling much less than 100%. I feel like some part of me had a super delayed reaction and is just now going through the grieving process. Which really isn’t cool. I’m exhausted with being sad at all, about anything. Especially anything regarding He.
I find myself stifling bitterness.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?, Yays!
The last couple of days have been…rough…I suppose I would say. I’ve been having miniature internal meltdowns almost every night, and sometimes they spill out and I have to talk to someone. Most recently it’s been my parents, and I told He, and all three of them have told me that I need to just calm down. I’m sure they are right, but it’s still sort of difficult because some of the things I am stressing about are terrifying. It takes a lot of energy for me to just shove it to the back of my mind so that I can function like a normal human being.
I’m back in the ’scow, and initially, I was really happy about it. I realized that I really do like it up here. And then, while sitting in my dorm room, being bored out of my mind (my roommate is like, an exchange student or something from Ecuador, and isn’t in our room all that much because she has to go to meetings and stuff…or something), I had a mini-panic attack. I guess. Sort of. The brain took me on a magical journey to Misery Swamp, and all I could think about was He, and how hard it’s going to be up here without him, and blah blah blah blah blah. And then I just got sad because we are broken up, which is stupid, and so I just sat here and cried like a little baby for a while and then took a deep breath and knocked it the fuck off. It is going to be a huge change without He up here, not only because we’re not together anymore, but because he was the doorway to friendships and social gatherings for me. I’m pretty sure that none of the guys in his house actually have a whole lot of interest in being my friend or hanging out with me, and the only reason that they ever did was because I was He’s girlfriend. It’s kind of depressing, but I guess it’s just an opportunity for me to make more friends or something by myself. I guess I just need to adjust a little bit better rather than feeling sorry for myself, which it seems like is what I am doing.
On the upside, I figured out how to get connected to the internet all by myself. I’m pretty proud of that, because last year I had to have He do it because I had all sorts of problems with it. I got it done in like, an hour (technically it was like, five minutes, but I’m counting the time that I spent in the computer lab AFTER I registered the connection). I know it’s silly, but it’s a small triumph for me personally. I guess you’d have to be me to understand. It’s liberating? Because I didn’t need He to do it for me. It seems cruel or harsh or mean, maybe, but I guess I like that I am capable of doing things that I needed He for before. It makes me feel like I’m getting my independence back, and that’s a good thing. I hope. I just need to cling to that, because truthfully, for the last…oh…4-5 hours I’ve been missing He terribly.
I’m hoping that this year is fantastic. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that it is, but who knows what hand life plans on dealing me?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not sure I should even be doing this right now, because I have been far too contemplative and somewhat down for the past couple of days. I guess I just want to dump it out.
I was so gloriously okay, and then new information rears its ugly head, and I feel myself teetering on the edge of misery. I refuse to feel the way I felt before, and I don’t think I do. But some part of me has such a difficult time dealing with the situation, particularly because of some of the finer details. And it would be so much easier to deal with if people didn’t use bullshit excuses to validate the things they’ve done. Maybe that’s just me, but regardless, it’s bothersome. My biggest problem at this point is that some part of me is clinging so desperately to it all, and really, I don’t care that much. I don’t want to care. None of it is my business, and I don’t want it to be. I just don’t know how to turn myself off. It’s okay, but it’s not fucking okay. It’s driving me crazy. So most of the time, I prefer to just not think abotu it. I’m not really sure what’s going on with me, and that’s infuriating because I was doing so well, and now I feel as though I’m slipping.
I can’t wait to leave. I’ve loved the past few weeks here, hanging out with people and having a good time and whatnot, but I’m ready to remove myself from the situation. I think distance will help me put the finishing touches on distancing myself completely in terms of emotions, and that is a huge part of all my shit right now, I think.
I’ll do this again later. I really don’t have it in me right now. I’m not even sure any of this makes sense.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
I don’t even know where to begin. I am conflicted because I am acting very out of character. I am making the choice to do so each time I do, and then I start to feel…guilty? about it. At the same time, I am 21 years old, I am single, and I can do whatever the fuck I want. I still have integrity, so I don’t know what my problem is. At this point, I’ve just decided on “fuck it” because I don’t need to waste my time worrying about whether or not I come off as a giant whore. Shit happens, and life goes on. I’m enjoying myself.
I think this is going to be my last week of work. I’m pretty stoked about it considering that last week I serverely fucked up my back. Thanks to Smokes, though, it feels a whole hell of a lot better. It was an incredibly painful process, but he worked some serious magic. Yays! The shit was literally starting to destroy me. It hurt to breathe, for fucks sake. But I think I’m on the road to recovery, so that’s good.
I am content. Life has been a whirlwind for the past few weeks, and it’s hard to keep up with it all, but it’s been a hell of a ride, and I feel good. I feel like me again. And that’s really, really nice. At the same time, I do need to get my shit organized, because I may be headed toward a very dangerous slope that I don’t want to fall down. I’m not sure if it’s a lack of self-control or just being so caught up in the brilliance of it all, but I’ve gone crazy. Haha.
I’m in love with life right now.
Jesusfuck. It blows my mind that in two weeks, I will be back in Moscow. Where did this summer go? It seems to have passed so quickly. There’s been so much going on. Jesus.
I have so much to say, and I don’t really have the time at the moment. Apparently I have to go to lunch with a guy I don’t even know, haha. Well, I may have met him, but I was preoccupied with someone else, is what I am told. Ah, such is life.
I will get back to you later with the juiciness of the past five days. I love my life.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not 100% on how I feel at the moment, and that pisses me off. Even when I was sitting around by myself, I still felt good. And then He comes along and fucks it up. Derails me. I’m struggling to not let it bother me, and I’m doing a decent job, but I can feel myself slipping. I’m not sure what to do to stop it. I refuse to let myself be brought down again. I worked so hard to get where I am and I will NOT let him bring me down anymore. Every time I start dwelling on it, I just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell myself I deserve better. Shitty things happen to good people, sometimes.
I’m having a hard time not feeling like perhaps I am too needy with my new friends. I enjoy hanging out with them, but at some point last week I just stopped texting them because I felt like I was being too much. People need space. Shirt just texted me, and that made me feel nice, because I didn’t have to make the effort. It pisses me off that I feel this way because I know WHY I feel this way and I shouldn’t have to. That’s why I’m so irritated that I’m bothered by the stupid shit with He. It affects everything in my life in terms of my behavior, and I don’t need that to happen. I don’t want it to happen. I’m not going to let it happen. Jesusfuck.
I cannot WAIT until Thursday rolls around. I’m going to rectify the way I’m feeling by uttering a silent “FUCK YOU” to all the drama, and I’m going to go to the Gator and have the time of my life, like I always do. That’s where my happy lies; in the people, the spirits, and the sheer fun that lingers there.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
I can’t even comprehend how people that I thought knew me can find themselves under the impression that I would be doing or saying things to be intentionally hurtful. I have absolutely no reason or desire to be catty or cruel, and I am quickly tiring of being questioned about it. And I think that by being bothered by the situation, I am making it worse. So fuck it.
I AM OVER IT! There is no drama, there are no cruel intentions, I’m through with hard feelings, and I don’t need to deal with minor miscommunications. I care about He, but I don’t want a whole lot to do with him right now. He is important to me, yes. But the relationship has vastly changed and I’m not going to drop everything to accomodate him like I used to. I know it sounds harsh, but that’s just how I feel. It’s taken me a while to get to the point I am at and I can honestly say that I feel pretty fucking happy the majority of the time. He and I broke up. We are broken up. It’s not my problem anymore. None of it. We both have our shit and I’m working on mine. Perhaps I don’t always handle it well because my opinions get in the way, but I do know that to some degree I am correct in the things I feel and believe, and I’m not going to let anyone tell me otherwise. I just want to get on with my life. I’ve fenced up the drama llamas and I don’t need anyone letting them out so they can start shitting all over my life again. I’m not saying that He is doing that, but in general, I am saying that I am DONE with semi-silly situations and conversations that do little more than irritate me. I know that I’m probably coming off really cold, but that’s just how it is. I let shit roll off these days, and I don’t want to buy in to minute issues that don’t even need to come up. I…I just can’t say it enough. I’m over it. Really, I am. I’m done.
I am glad that He is going on with his life. True, I do not agree with how he is going about it, but that doesn’t matter. So I’m letting him do his thing, and I’m doing mine. I’m not obligated to make him happy anymore (if, in fact, I ever did), and if what he is doing makes him happy, more power to him. I stand by my feeling that he does deserve to be happy. As do I. And we need to just do our own things and leave each other alone. I know he wants to be friends or stay in my life or however you choose to put it, and that’s fine. I have no problem with that. But it’s not going to be on his terms. It’s a compromise, and when I am ready, when time has done what it does, then we’ll see what happens.
Also, and I was just thinking about this today, if anyone is having trouble losing weight, just date someone for four years, go through some somewhat traumatic shit promptly following the breakup, and the pounds will just fall off. It’s ridiculous. Helpful, though. Apparently being single and losing some weight gets you substantially more attention from the opposite sex than you had previously. I’ll just go ahead and high-five myself on that one. It’s really nice to feel comfortable with how I look AND be aware that other people approve as well.
So, that’s it for now. I’m not a mean person. I took a whole lot from my relationship with He, and I’m a better person for it. I handle situations a million times better than I did in the past. I’m level-headed and calm and I am not sure I can recall the last time I got angry. I’m just saying – I’m not about to start saying things just to warrant a reaction or to be intentionally hurtful. We’re all adults, here.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Well shit
I was doing so well. I was doing so fucking well. And then there He comes, up like a creature from the deep in my pool of misery, and yanks me back in. Holds me under until that oxygen I was so loving and needing is completely gone from my lungs.
I literally JUST rectified that situation. He texted me multiple times today and I ignored him, because I don’t need him. I don’t need to talk to him, I don’t need to see him, I just…I don’t NEED him. So finally, I asked him to leave me alone. Then he calls me and insists on stopping by my work so we can “talk” when I got off. I reluctantly agreed. Therefore, I guess it’s kind of my fault that I started drowning. Again.
So He calls me at around 6ish and I didn’t hear the call because I was too busy going apeshit cleaning the house to distract myself from the situation. I listen to the voicemail and though it kind of tugged on the heartstrings a bit, decide not to respond. We just got off the phone again because I had a fucking breakdown, I guess. Jesus Christ.
Now I’m swimming back toward the surface. Toward the shore.
No more creatures from the deep to keep me down. I hope.
All I really, really, REALLY want, is to cuddle up with someone for a few hours. I want to feel someone’s heart beating against me. I want that warmth of two bodies pressed together. I just want to feel warm. That kind of warm.
*le sigh*
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit
I take back my previous smacking. I don’t need to smack myself at all. The things I do are the things I want to do because I am not an idiot, I am not a slut, I am not irresponsible, I am not that girl. I’m a good person, and somewhere deep down, I honestly believe that. I believe that I do deserve to be happy. I believe that I don’t deserve to spend the rest of my life feeling like shit because I spent four years with someone who now chooses to make me feel that I was inadequate. I am enough. I am more than enough. And I hope to god that I can convince myself to believe not only that, but that I deserve better.
I’ve been happy lately. Things have been looking up. He is still my best friend but I think some part of me is trying to get rid of that. Some part of me loathes him so violently that it is difficult for me to keep it in check. Because the whole of me still cares very much about him and I don’t need to be burning any bridges (he already did). I don’t know what I want between us, and I haven’t been thinking about it. I don’t think about him, much. I try not to.
I am terrified that perhaps I have developed feelings or at least some sort of attachment to K-B. I’m sure there will be more on this as the situation develops. Ha.
The wasted chance.
