Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit, Why why why?
I’ve really got to learn to stop.
It’s a downward spiral, and I don’t have anyone to pull me out of it, so I have to just work like hell to help myself. It’s incredibly hard, frustrating, and often unsuccessful. I’m tired of regressing back after I start doing so well. I think I’m almost out and then I get sucked in even deeper.
I’m just tired of this shit. I’m tired of feeling worthless or meaningless. I’m tired of being afraid.
Someone punch me in the face, and tell me that I’m an idiot. I can’t even learn from my mistakes, as I keep making the same ones over and over and over again.
I’m sure it will all be okay.
The question is when?
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, SEXXX, Why why why?
What. The. Fuck. Am. I. Doing.
I need to knock this shit off, and pronto.
Apparently, I don’t have the willpower I seem to think I have. God. Damn it.
This is coming to an end. I need to stop drinking, period.
I have better things to do.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Just when you think things can’t get worse, they do.
I was already having a pretty difficult day, as most have been for the past few months. Boyz texted me and asked if I wanted to go for a walk, and I figured hell, why not. So we go for a walk, and we both realize that we’re pretty fucking discontent, depressed, used up, what have you. I express to her that I just want to watch a movie. I want to engross myself in something other than my own misery for a change. So we walk to her apartment and watch a movie, and that’s all fine and good minus the excrutiating lonliness it unleashes in me, and when I get back to my room, I get on the computer and the first thing that happens is a friend facebook messages me.
A girl I went to high school and was semi-close with killed herself over the weekend. At first I thought it was a joke. When her sister messages me and says oh hey, you knew her, right, well, she died this weekend…I ask her if she’s kidding.
She’s not.
Something forced its way into my chest and wrapped itself around my heart and is squeezing. There was already a lot of pressure there, and the thing is about to burst. If it’s not the shit going on with He, it’s my friends dying young. She was 20 fucking years old. She was going back to school. She was getting her shit in order. Why? Why the hell do things like this happen?
On top of the sadness I feel at her departure, I’m scared. It is a fucking reality check. Why?
Two nights ago I sat in front of this very screen, razor blade in hand. I pressed it against my arm. I held it there. I thought about it. I spent about half an hour staring at the two, at the flesh pressing up around the blade. And I wanted to do it. I thought about doing it. I needed to do it. I let up the pressure and dragged it slowly across my arm, not drawing blood, but giving myself an idea – a memory – of what it felt like. All I could think about was how heavy I was, how exhausted, how I didn’t want to carry it all around anymore. I just wanted to purge. I wanted to get it out. I was in fucking high school again and I just needed some way to make the pain cease, if only briefly.
I don’t want to end up dead just because I’m sad.
I don’t…I…I can’t even do this.
Monica, you will be missed. You were a wonderful person. Like the rest of us, you had your problems. You had your faults, your hardships, and your hangups, but you deserved to be happy. I hope that you have found that happiness and that you can bask in it forever. I love you.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Why why why?
I don’t think I really like where I’m at right now.
And that in itself is a problem, because I don’t know where the fuck I am.
My best friend is my ex-boyfriend, and I loathe him as much as I love him.
I don’t know what to do about the situation, because no matter what, I find myself repressing a whole lot of emotion. Just talking to him is a conundrum because it makes me feel better, but it brings about a whole lot of things that make me worse. It’s like cough syrup. You know it’s going to make you feel better, but you still choke and want to vomit. I don’t have any idea how to get around it all, and I’m tired of it being a clusterfuck. And it only is for me, and that’s what infuriates me even more. I feel so incredibly stupid, because I know my heart is directing me one way, the wrong way, and I’m trying to follow. It’s pure idiocy. I want to punch myself in the face.
Oh – random: I’ve realized that there is so much bitter resentment built up about it that I haven’t dealt with that I’m going to explode. I don’t know when, I don’t know on whom, but I know it’s going to happen. I can feel the lid of the pot starting to rattle under the pressure of the boiling. I don’t care what anyone says, I don’t care how I am or am not supposed to feel, it’s fucked up.
I’m having a really difficult time convincing myself that he’s not still mine, which is so fucking stupid I can’t even comprehend it. I get jealous and possessive and a whole laundry list of stupid things that I have no right (and absolutely no fucking reason) to feel. It shouldn’t be like this. I shouldn’t be like this.
I just miss him so damned much. In every way. And it’s killing me, because I think I’m stuck in some sort of false reality, and it is not serving me well. Not at all.
I’d like to shoot myself in the face.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Why why why?
I’m not one of those people that relies on fate. I don’t often believe that everything happens for a reason, and when I refer to karma, I’m usually doing so in a joking or playful manner. I think shit happens.
I also believe that shitty things happen to good people. I think terrible, painful, horrendous things happen to people that don’t deserve to have those things happen to them. Of course, good things happen as well, but those aren’t the things I’m talking about.
I’m a good person, or I try to be. I think I’m a good friend, and I try to live my life well. I try to be good to others, and I go out of my way to not be selfish, or any other variety of detestable things. And then I get caught up feeling like I don’t deserve for some things to happen to me. I know that everyone experiences their fair share of crappy situations. Life isn’t exactly wonderful for everyone all the time – I get that. But I’m getting tired of crappy things happening to me so often. It’s hard to keep my chin up when the world keeps slamming a fist into it. And mostly, it’s just one thing. One situation that I wish would go away. One tremendously painful and difficult hand that life has dealt, and I don’t know what to do with my cards. I keep thinking I’m putting the right ones down, and then I realize that I’m still behind, and no matter what, I’m not going to win at this game. It’s exhausting, continuously getting your hopes up just to realize that you’re not doing as well as you thought. Sure, tell me I’m just feeling sorry for myself. Maybe I am. But I think I’m somewhat entitled. We all have a right to sink to our knees and wallow in our misery sometimes.
Two weeks after a four year relationship, He put a knife in my heart. I had long since freely given it to him – my heart, that is – and I trusted him with it. But we broke up, and he hasn’t given it back. And he’s not caring for it. I don’t expect him to care for it how he once did, but if he’s not going to give it back, he should at least make sure that it’s properly taken care of. But alas, it is neglected, outside of the occasional twist of the knife. My problem, I think, is that I have no choice but to assume the worst. He gives me no reason to believe that I’m not in this by myself. I’m the only one feeling the way I feel. I’m obsolete, and He upgraded. He doesn’t need me because he has her, and anything he ever felt for me was long ago withered and dead. I have no choice but to feel this way, because I have no evidence to the contrary, and he offers none. I tire of telling him anything about how I feel, because he goes to bed with her at night, and I’m still sleeping alone. I don’t want to tell him I love him and miss him, because it’s her scent on the pillow next to him. I keep my mouth shut about the hollow void he left in me because it’s her hand that fits in his. I was replaced, and that’s difficult. On some level because I don’t think she’s better, but mostly because I feel that I deserve better. Because I feel that shitty things happen to good people. And I try to be a good person, and this shitty thing happened to me.
I don’t think it’s ever going to go away. I love He. I am in love with He. He has done some things that cause me excrutiating pain, and I want to hate him. Part of me does. Part of me loathes him, is disgusted by him. But that stupid love thing…it overrides all of my common sense. It implores me to forgive him for everything he does. And that’s the thing – I owe no forgiving. He hasn’t done anything wrong. Sure, he destroyed my heart. He’s hurt me more than any other person, ever. But he didn’t do it intentionally, and it’s none of my business, so how can it be a problem, really?
I am exhausted. I wake in the middle of the night and roll over to press myself into his back, and he’s not there. And then those words echo. He’s not there. Not at all. He is physically and emotionally detached from me. That’s a pretty difficult aspect as well. Because he has her next to him. And me? I just want to sleep through one night without his ghost next to me. I’m so tired.
I’m tired of doing this, as well.
I’m tired of no one caring.
I’m tired of carrying it around all day.
I just want it to go away.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?, Yays!
The last couple of days have been…rough…I suppose I would say. I’ve been having miniature internal meltdowns almost every night, and sometimes they spill out and I have to talk to someone. Most recently it’s been my parents, and I told He, and all three of them have told me that I need to just calm down. I’m sure they are right, but it’s still sort of difficult because some of the things I am stressing about are terrifying. It takes a lot of energy for me to just shove it to the back of my mind so that I can function like a normal human being.
I’m back in the ’scow, and initially, I was really happy about it. I realized that I really do like it up here. And then, while sitting in my dorm room, being bored out of my mind (my roommate is like, an exchange student or something from Ecuador, and isn’t in our room all that much because she has to go to meetings and stuff…or something), I had a mini-panic attack. I guess. Sort of. The brain took me on a magical journey to Misery Swamp, and all I could think about was He, and how hard it’s going to be up here without him, and blah blah blah blah blah. And then I just got sad because we are broken up, which is stupid, and so I just sat here and cried like a little baby for a while and then took a deep breath and knocked it the fuck off. It is going to be a huge change without He up here, not only because we’re not together anymore, but because he was the doorway to friendships and social gatherings for me. I’m pretty sure that none of the guys in his house actually have a whole lot of interest in being my friend or hanging out with me, and the only reason that they ever did was because I was He’s girlfriend. It’s kind of depressing, but I guess it’s just an opportunity for me to make more friends or something by myself. I guess I just need to adjust a little bit better rather than feeling sorry for myself, which it seems like is what I am doing.
On the upside, I figured out how to get connected to the internet all by myself. I’m pretty proud of that, because last year I had to have He do it because I had all sorts of problems with it. I got it done in like, an hour (technically it was like, five minutes, but I’m counting the time that I spent in the computer lab AFTER I registered the connection). I know it’s silly, but it’s a small triumph for me personally. I guess you’d have to be me to understand. It’s liberating? Because I didn’t need He to do it for me. It seems cruel or harsh or mean, maybe, but I guess I like that I am capable of doing things that I needed He for before. It makes me feel like I’m getting my independence back, and that’s a good thing. I hope. I just need to cling to that, because truthfully, for the last…oh…4-5 hours I’ve been missing He terribly.
I’m hoping that this year is fantastic. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that it is, but who knows what hand life plans on dealing me?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not sure I should even be doing this right now, because I have been far too contemplative and somewhat down for the past couple of days. I guess I just want to dump it out.
I was so gloriously okay, and then new information rears its ugly head, and I feel myself teetering on the edge of misery. I refuse to feel the way I felt before, and I don’t think I do. But some part of me has such a difficult time dealing with the situation, particularly because of some of the finer details. And it would be so much easier to deal with if people didn’t use bullshit excuses to validate the things they’ve done. Maybe that’s just me, but regardless, it’s bothersome. My biggest problem at this point is that some part of me is clinging so desperately to it all, and really, I don’t care that much. I don’t want to care. None of it is my business, and I don’t want it to be. I just don’t know how to turn myself off. It’s okay, but it’s not fucking okay. It’s driving me crazy. So most of the time, I prefer to just not think abotu it. I’m not really sure what’s going on with me, and that’s infuriating because I was doing so well, and now I feel as though I’m slipping.
I can’t wait to leave. I’ve loved the past few weeks here, hanging out with people and having a good time and whatnot, but I’m ready to remove myself from the situation. I think distance will help me put the finishing touches on distancing myself completely in terms of emotions, and that is a huge part of all my shit right now, I think.
I’ll do this again later. I really don’t have it in me right now. I’m not even sure any of this makes sense.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
The past couple of days, despite my going out of my way to keep my mind occupied, have been rough. After work tonight I came home and felt myself slipping into the same disgusting pool of misery that I have been working so hard to pull myself out of. I’m terrified and relieved to be going to councelling tomorrow. Relieved because I know or at least seriously hope that it will help me. Help me identify my emotions. Process them. Get the fuck over it all. Terrified because I’m worried that I won’t know what to say. Or just worried that I’m going to open my mouth and it’s all going to come spilling out in some incomprehensible tearful babble. I don’t want to tap into that again. I don’t want to hurt anymore and I don’t want to identify with the pain I carry around. I know it will do me good, but I don’t want to do it. I don’t deserve to feel this way. I don’t deserve what He is doing, and I hate that I have to feel anything about it. It really is none of my business but the pain of it is so fucking unbearable that I feel I’m being crushed by it. The walls close in and my lungs can’t expand and I get so fucking clausterphobic that I can’t handle it. I’m in some kind of hell. This life is a prison and I want out.
I’m bitter and resentful and still so fucking sad that I can’t handle it. I’m angry because He is regarding us unequally. It is as though he can do whatever he wants; he can move on, he can fuck people, he can be in a quasi-relationship, he can be perfectly okay, but I can’t. That idea bounces around in the back of my skull each and every day. When I stop to think about it, it becomes so infuriating and hurtful that I barely know what to do with myself.
I deserve to be happy, too.
I realized something horrifying yesterday. My dad and I were discussing the prices of things and the price of cigarettes, and I told him that I really wanted to quit, if not only because I’m throwing away money on smoking. And before the words hurled themselves from between my lips, I stopped myself, because I didn’t want to tell my father the thought that crossed my mind. The only reason I keep smoking, and that I smoke so much, is because I need a habit. Without smoking, I would go back to cutting. I thought about this for a second, thought about all the things that came with the thought, as though perhaps it were just some peripheral off-handed idea that I was using to justify smoking. But then the stark reality set in. I do. Badly. I want to bury a blade in my flesh and wrench out all the pain. I want the deep, ragged, itchy reminders that I can purge all the hurt whenever I want. And that’s why I go out of my way to do other things. That is why I smoke, almost a pack a day some days. Because I don’t need to be that girl again. Because there are better ways. Because I won’t let He have that power over me. Not anymore.
Not that long ago, I wanted, almost desperately, to keep He in my life. I wanted to keep my best friend. My rock. That idea has begun to change in a slowly rapid fashion. I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m going through the angry stage (or whatever, I’m pretending there are stages to this, I guess), or because as a person, I am disgusted by him. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m not going to pretend that the way I feel is unreasonable. It’s not. I do not in any way agree with what he has done. It is, as I said before, a difficult thing for me in terms of how to cope with it, especially because it is his life. But the way that it affects me – with his knowledge – makes it what in my mind right now is unforgivable. I’m trying. I struggle with “forgiveness” every day. I struggle with the idea that perhaps I don’t need to forgive anyone because no one did anything wrong. The entire fucking thing has my mind (not to mention my stomach) in so many knots that I really don’t know what to think anymore. Regardless. I refuse to believe that the way I feel isn’t reasonable. I’d like to meet someone who wouldn’t feel at least in some small way anything like I do right now if the same thing happened to them.
I don’t know what I deserve. But I really, really want to believe that I deserve better than how I feel right now. I want to believe that some day, someone will love me as much as I do them. More than anything, I want so desperately to believe that I do deserve to be happy.
More than anything.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Why why why?
This goes out to all the people that were there and didn’t do anything. Didn’t say anything.
This goes out to the two of you, who were careless. At this point, you both disgust me.
Most specifically, this goes out to one person. Someone I thought was my friend. Someone who proved me wrong about that.
Fuck. I want to be mean. I keep stopping myself from calling her or texting her or doing something. I hope she knows how wrong she was. How disgusting and deplorable what she did is. I hope she never forgets it. I know I never will. I used to be excited about being friends with her. I wanted to get to know her and hang out with her and be her friend. Obviously, she didn’t want the same. So, to you, I say thank you. Thank you for fucking me over right from the get-go and saving us both the trouble of doing it later. You got me good, too. Really good.
Now to you. I already told you how disappointed I am in you. How flabbergasted and astounded I am that you of all people would do this. I suppose I may be overreacting. We all know how good I am at doing that. But what it comes down to is that I’m now uncertain. I don’t know if I’m going to love you forever or if I’m just going to carry around this twisted knot in my stomach forever. I wanted all the memories I had of you to be good ones. I wanted to look back and say, “yes, those were good times.” But you have taken that from me. The gravity of what you did overwhelms all the goodness and I constantly have to fight the need to vomit. No one. NO ONE has EVER hurt me this badly. And I’ve been hurt a lot. So, thank you as well. Thank you for teaching me that nothing lasts forever, no matter how real you think it is. Thank you for teaching me that no matter how much you love someone and trust them, they will still fuck you over, and probably harder than everyone else. Thank you for showing me that all my fears were justified, even after you had convinced me that they weren’t. Thank you for everything, and thank you for absolutely nothing.
To everyone else, thank you for pretending to be my friends. Thank you for allowing alcohol to cloud your judgement, despite being intelligent and responsible enough to see through. Thank you for always looking out for number one, and no one else. Thank you, mostly, for confirming that the people I care most about don’t give a flying fuck about me.
Probably the shittiest thing about this is that I’m probably the only one that has any real emotion toward it. Some things never change.
I should be angry. I should want to hurt them. I did, initially. But what’s the point. All they’ve done is show me their true colors. And they’re not the colors I thought they were. They’re not ugly, but I don’t like them.
Good luck and best wishes to you all, sincerely.
I’m used to making it on my own.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, Ramble, Rant, Why why why?
What I love more than already being in a piss-poor mood is essentially being stood up by friends when they know I want to go do something. Yeah yeah, I’m going to rant and whine and whatever. Fucking sue me. I think I’m not completely unreasonable for being pissed off that my “best friend” basically dropped off the face of the planet just because her boyfriend came into town. After we had already talked about doing something tonight – including him. It’s bad enough that I really don’t WANT to leave the house, but once I finally find a decent mood and want to go out and do something at least so that I’m not so fucking alone, everyone seems to be too busy doing something else. I’m just tired of it. All it does is make me feel even more alone and abandoned, and all I can think is that if I were still with He I wouldn’t be having this problem. Which in turn makes it that much worse because then I remember how sad I am about him and how irate I am toward him. Now the rant takes a turn.
“I’m sorry things didn’t work out” is the most fucked up thing I’ve heard him say for quite some time. Really? REALLY? Like, I’m sorry that I took four years from you and now that it’s over I don’t really seem to give a fuck at all and oh, I will be sad, but my emotions are so fucking retarded that I have to wait until you start to get over it before I can break down about it? Like, those things? And honestly, I don’t think I should be mad at him, but I’m bitter, because the way the situation has turned out, I’m just feeling like he didn’t want me and then I dive into this disgusting pool of self-deprication that just makes everything worse. I honestly don’t even really know how to feel anymore. I decided talking to him was not a good idea so I’m working on not doing that, but it’s hard because he is my best friend and I’m lonely. I feel like a part of me is gone forever and I haven’t figured out how to operate the same without that part. And I suppose that’s the thing; I have to learn how to operate in a new way, but that’s hard and I don’t want to.
I want to know why you can’t be sad until I start to be happy.
I want to know why you don’t want me.
I want to know if you know how much emotion you took from me, and if that means anything to you.
I want to hug you and kiss you and have you be mine again.
I want to feel like someone is there for me whenever. You took that from me.
I want to feel okay about myself instead of feeling completely inadequate.
I want to be happy.
I constantly feel like there is a huge pressing weight on my chest. Most days it is pretty difficult to breathe, let alone get out of bed (err…off the couch), and I guess that’s why I’m so pissed of that none of my “friends” seem to realize that it’s a big deal that I actually want to do anything.
I want to just cuddle up on the couch and watch a movie with you. I miss that.
I miss you.
I don’t want to play anymore.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not doing too well, and as much as I like to put off dealing with or acknowledging that fact, it’s beginning to become prevalent and insistent. I don’t know what I need to do to be happy, and as much as I’m bitching about change lately and how much I don’t want it, I think I do. I constantly feel like something needs to happen. Something needs to change. To be different. I feel like my life is in some sort of rut of mediocrity and I am so beyond tired of it that I don’t know what to do. I am aware that I need to take control of things and make something happen if I want them to change, but at some point I just don’t know how to do it. Or I just don’t have the energy. I’m lost.
Every time I think about He, I want to burst into tears. I want to cry until the hollow ache in my chest goes away, until the feeling of dread dissipates. But it’s not going to. He treats our imminent breakup as though it isn’t something important, as though it doesn’t need to be talked about or thought about. Perhaps in a way he’s right. But I’m right too. I’ve got a lot of emotion invested in him and his behavior upsets me. This is not petty to me. He is frequently doing things that really shouldn’t bother me, but they are, and it’s breaking me down. Specifically his nonchalant attitude toward me and his hanging out with his female friends in date-like situations. He does things with his girl friends that he doesn’t do with me. In fact, we never do anything. We’ve done a few things lately, but the more time passes the more it just feels to me like we’re just good friends who have sex. Honestly, and I try very hard not to feel this way because I want to believe it isn’t the truth, I feel like he’s less interested in me than he is in the fact that he can have sex with me. I know that’s really harsh, but that’s sort of how it feels. Everything is sexual. When we hang out I hear more about my tits or my ass than I do about anything else about me. It’s nice, I suppose, but I’ve spent a very long time needing more than that and he knows it. I guess I’m just insecure and jealous and whatever, and that’s why I get so upset about these little things, but it’s that much worse when it’s things he knows bothers me and he does nothing to avoid them or not do them. I think maybe I’m off-base here, but that’s just how it feels to me. I’m so torn up about the whole retarded situation and I just want it to be different. Or easy. Or good. Something other than what it is at the moment. I guess I just wanted it to be perfect before it was over.
I’m constantly feeling inadequate physically. I am not comfortable, I guess, with how I look, and I’m not entirely sure how to go about doing something about it. As soon as I get back to school, I’ll pack on the weight again, even if I lose some this summer. I don’t think I’m fat. But I have a really hard time when everyone around me is thin and whatever. It’s the ideal that’s killing me.
I hung out with my mom today and kind of realized why I don’t like to. Don’t get me wrong, she’s my mother and I love her. I just don’t need the guilt trips and the snide comments and all the bullshit she dumps on me. I have no room in my life for people who are going to treat me that way. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes in the past, but I’m not constantly rubbing her face in hers. I wish she’d grow up and get over her shit because I’m tired of hearing it. Harsh, but true. I don’t need it. Period.
I think I’m going to start looking for a different job. I was thinking about it a lot today and the gas station is sucking the fucking life out of me. I don’t get paid enough for that.
I guess that’s it for now. I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I just want to feel like everything is going to be okay. Or at least have a few hours of not thinking about any of it. I just need a damn break.
You’re too young to be this empty, girl.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Why why why?
I am still exhausted.
I’m trying to figure out why it is that every summer I keep going back to the gas station for work. I know it’s because I know I can get a job there no matter what. I know it’s because I don’t have time to look for another, better job and I don’t have time to waste because I need money. But the way things are going, those really aren’t good enough reasons for me. I seriously need a better job because I’m getting really tired of being just about the only person in that place that gives a fuck about actually working. I generally do about 85% of the work and I’m tired of it. Plus, my feet hurt. A lot. But that’s because I need new shoes. Oh. And I need new pants, because the only pair that I have that fit me have holes in the crotch. Why can’t I just win the lottery? I can’t even comprehend how much money 192 million IS.
Ugh. That’s all. I’m getting really anxious about my dad’s fiance and her daughters coming, too. That’s coming up fast. I don’t even have a bedroom. Good god…ugh.
That’s all for now. I don’t really just want to go off on some sort of “pity me” rant so I’m done.
Filed under: Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’ve had a fucking awesome day. Want to hear about it? Good. I woke up with a fucking horrendous cough, which means I’m getting sick, out of the fucking blue. Great. I go to the mall with Housewife, hanging out pre-going to get my taxes done, and I buy a green tea from Starbucks. I then go to Pretzelmaker and get some Pretzel Bites, and as the guy is handing me the cheese sauce, I dump my pretzels everywhere. He gives me some more, I sit down and start to eat them, and take a drink of my tea, and proceed to burn the ever-living FUCK out of my mouth. Then, Housewife and I go to get my taxes done, and as it turns out, I OWE the IRS, thanks to my dad claiming me and the University giving me scholarships. WHY IN THE FUCK are scholarships taxable? That makes no goddamned sense to me. On top of that, it was somewhere around 90 dollars for the lady to do my taxes. Fortunately for me, she was a fucking amazing person, and didn’t charge me, and didn’t file my taxes. She suggested that because I’ve done it before, I could risk not reporting my scholarships, in which case I will just get my full refund. So. We’ll see about that.
I know it really wasn’t that bad, but today just feels like a huge clusterfuck of shitty. On top of everything, it’s STILL snowing, which does absolutely nothing to improve my mood. All I have, I guess, is that everything is just a goddamn joke, and tomorrow it will all be okay. I’m hoping that life’s just pulling one hell of an April Fool’s Day prank on me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Why why why?
Today was a pretty fucking rough day. College is raping me. I don’t mean that in the sense that it’s hard. I don’t mean that in the sense that it costs a lot. I mean that in the sense that I came to college with a passion, with drive, and college is forcefully taking that away from me without my consent.
I just feel fed up. Pretty much with everything. I’m becoming more and more irritated at Spooner because he’s right. I’m fucking crazy and needy. Emphasis on the crazy. Or maybe on the needy. Either way, I’m not 100% self-sustaining, and lately, making everything seem okay isn’t as easy as I’m used to it being. That’s what I get for letting down the walls. I’m fucking loney, as hokey as that sounds, and it’s difficult. Inexplicable, and difficult.
I want my sister to come and see me just as badly as she says she needs to. I need a breath of fresh air.
I’m frustrated with my relationship. It’s good, for the most part, at least a lot better than it was for quite a while, and it has maintained that goodness. I’m frustrated sexually, and not in a good way. Blugh, I don’t even want to deal with it. There’s nothing I can really do about it, and that makes it even more frustrating.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don’t even know.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Inspired, Oh NOES, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Work in progress.
Tear my heart out through my chest
through my breast. Exhume me.
That’s all I’ve got for now. It came to me. I’m going to sleep for days now.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Why why why?
The seams have finally burst.
I have finally reached maximum capacity, and all the stress, worry, and everything else you can imagine has caught up to me.
I’m freaking out. I’ve been really down for the past couple weeks or so, and then at some point last night, something snapped. I keep crying hysterically for what seems to be no real reason. Sure, maybe something small instigated it, but not something that warrants all-out, uncontrolled hysterical fits of bawling.
I don’t know what’s wrong with me. But it’s not good, and it needs to go away. I feel crazed. Out of my mind, out of control. I literally feel as though I am spiralling a (the?) drain.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m tired of feeling like how I feel is stupid just because someone else doesn’t agree with it.
I don’t invalidate your feelings. Don’t do it to me.
Don’t get impatient and rude just because you don’t like how I feel or what I’m saying. That’s hurtful.
Where’d that guy I met over the summer go? I liked him. He made me feel immaculate. He was never mean. He was never cold. He never made me second-guess myself. He had nothing but love for me.
And don’t get pissed off when I’m sad because you lied. Little white lies.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
Maybe I’m crazy. I don’t think I am.
I think I don’t have anywhere to dispose of all my emotions. So when any come out, they’re met with hostility or unfriendliness because they’re random.
I feel stifled.
Anyone would drown in this.
I’m still holding my breath.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit, Why why why?
I play a game. It’s a lot like Hide-and-Seek.
I hide from life, and life seeks me.
I continue to get better at finding spots that life can’t find me in. But that just makes it that much worse when life catches up and does find me. Though rather than life finding me and simply grabbing me playfully, declaring “I found you!” it has turned into life finding me, grabbing me by the hair and thrusting me to the ground, where it proceeds to kick me in the stomach until I’m vomiting blood.
I don’t like it when reality catches up to me and I’m forced to stare at my life for what it is; a bleak and vapid emptiness that scares the hell out of me because there is nothing ahead. I have a grand total of 30-some-odd dollars in my bank account. I have no means of income, a family that (for the most part) is just as financially lacking as I am, and a boyfriend who spends too much money basically supporting me in general. I need quite a few things from the store, and I can’t buy them because I have so little money to get me through until January. JANUARY. The worst part about this is the fact that I know it’s going to work out; money issues always do. But I’m tired of feeling panicked and stressed because I don’t know when something will go wrong that requires more money than I have. And my dad (and everyone else, for that matter) would tell me to get a job, but it’s not that simple. Yea, I only have classes two days a week. But I also have a metric shitload of homework that goes along with those classes. I constantly have something to read or something to write, and I know for a fact that a job, despite being financially lucrative, would be detrimental to my schooling. I already have a C in one of my classes (it’s a big deal to me – shut the fuck up), and having to focus my energy on school AND a job (even if it was only like two days a week) would fucking drain me. I’m one of those people that has to give their all, no matter what they’re doing. I bust my ass in school, and I bust my ass at whatever job I have. The catch is that I can’t bust my ass at school AND at a job. So don’t bust my ass at my job, right? Just go, get it done, whatever? Sorry, no. I can’t do it. I’ve tried before. I was brought up better than that. Even if I hate my job, I give it all I’ve got. But I need to give school all I’ve got. Regardless, I suppose I’m mostly just pissed off because college fucked me. I busted my ass to get a 4.0 with the idea that I would get some pretty nice finanical aid as reward, but apparently only first and second-year students are rewarded for good grades. So what little money I did get this semester went mostly to books, and that left me with very little left over, and now I’ve basically got shit. Essentially, in a nut-shell, I’m tired of scraping the bottom of the barrel. One of these days I’m going to scratch my way right through and I’ll hit rock bottom, and then what?
I’m also stressed as fuck about my dad. It’s stupid, but I can’t help it. Thinner moved out after lying to him and fucking around in some very immature and incredibly inconsiderate ways, and he’s pretty torn up about it. As much as he likes to deny it, my father can’t stand being alone. My brother and his girlfriend are moving in, and that’s good, for my dad’s sake (and probably my brother’s, too), but that in itself brings up another huge issue that’s eating away at me. I now have nowhere to live. My brother and his girlfriend just moved into my room, so I’ve got nothing. The whole predicament arises at the fact that my car broke, and once my dad “fixes” it, it’s sold (so I’m looking forward to that chunk of cash, but who knows when that will be [which isn't bitching; my dad is a busy/broken guy, I'm not about to get on his ass about fixing it sooner]) – leaving me without transportation. This means that this summer (it’s not entirely stupid that I’m thinking about summer already) I need to have somewhere in town to live, because there’s no way I can expect my dad or my brother to drive me to/from work, nor can I walk or ride my bike every day. And I essentially have nowhere in town to live that offers the same benefits as living with my dad. I didn’t have to pay rent. That’s a huge deal, especially considering that I need to be saving my money for a new car and for bills, etc. I’m sure that I could talk to my mom and work something out, but I really don’t want to live with my mom. I love her, but I can’t deny that spending three months living with her would turn into hell. We butt heads a lot. I mean, I stayed with her for about a month this last summer, and we ended up having what I consider to be silent feuds. I love her, I do. But I can’t live with her for extended periods of time because, essentially, we piss each other off; she gets on my nerves and I’m a rude, hurtful bitch toward her.
Really, oustide all the bitching (really, I’m kind of irritating myself at this point), what it all boils down to is I literally feel like my life is falling apart. I’m going to have to ask my roommate if I can use her fucking shampoo. That’s how bad it is (that doesn’t seem bad, but it’s not like I can use her shit from now on…). I just feel like I’m being forced to be a grown-up AND a college student, and it’s not that it can’t be done, it’s that I wasn’t ready for it. I haven’t been expecting that, I’m not used to that, and I don’t want to do that. I haven’t HAD to do that. Truth be told, I’m scared. I’m scared shitless that this is the rest of my life.
And I’m pretty fucking ill-prepared.
Every time I say this, I don’t know what it means, but it is exactly how I feel: I want to go home.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, Why why why?
I am not perfect. I am far from it.
I am stubborn.
I am obsessive.
I am a perfectionist.
I am insecure.
I am ignorant.
I am high-strung.
I am immature.
I am terrified.
I am the way I am, and that’s all I can be. That’s all I want to be expected to be.
I want to be loved.
I don’t want to grow up.
I want order because my mind is chaos.
I want acceptance despite my faults.
I just want to be happy. I want to be okay with my faults.
I want to be loved despite my faults.
I want to be.
I’m tired of being tired.
I’m tired of being stressed.
I’m tired of being a bitch.
I’m tired of being fickle.
I’m tired of being over-expectant.
I said it before.
I’ll say it a thousand times more.
I just want to be happy.
Stubbornly, obsessively, perfectly, insecurely, ignorantly, immaturely happy.
I don’t need to feel like that’s too much to ask. Of anyone. For any reason.
I really need to get my shit together.
I can honestly say I don’t think I’m all that stable.
I feel like a giant pile of shit.
Everything is piling up, and coincidentally, I feel as though I’m spiraling the drain.
I don’t even have the energy for this.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, Well shit, Why why why?
Le sigh.
It’s been a long weekend (yes, Monday is part of my weekend). I find myself in some sort of rut where I really don’t want to do anything while simultaneously freaking out because I have a huge test tomorrow that I fear I am going to epically fail. And I need to shower. And I need to do laundry. And I need to clean up my fucking living room (thanks suitemate, you’re a fucking asshole). And I need to rearrange my room so my dad can fit in it. And I need to do so much fucking schoolwork that sort of crept up on me (I didn’t procrastinate, I just seem to forget about it and then remember at the last minute when I don’t feel like doing ANYTHING). I essentially got drunk three nights in a row, and then proceeded to lose my fucking cell phone (not necessarily because I was drunk. It was a situation, I suppose, that I do not feel like explaining).
I feel alien to my own skin.
I want to write a blog. But I really have other things I should be doing. I shouldn’t have even done this much. I shouldn’t even be online. I should be buried in books.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Well shit, Why why why?
It’s been a while, and I would apolgize, but I can only think of one person that is even remotely interested in what I write here. So I suppose I’m not too concerned with mustering up the energy for a sincere apology.
This weekend, I did some terrible things to He, and I still feel like I’m going to vomit when I think about it. My actions were completely unwarranted (despite how I felt they were at the time…), and catalyzed by alcohol, the things that came out of my mouth were, are, and forever will be damnable. I was both emotionally and physically abusive toward He, and at this moment, I’m still not entirely sure why he still wants to be with me. I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again: He deserves better than me. Period. I will never forgive myself for what I did to him; the pain I caused with my ignorant alcohol-induced rage.
I may be getting sick, though my dad says it might just be allergies. Either way, I don’t want it, and I don’t like it. There’s enough going on that I don’t need to get sick. I just feel like shit in general anyway, so I’m not looking forward to the crappiness that will be how I feel if I do get sick.
I also need to say thank you to Poser (again) for being there for me this weekend while I was crazy and panicky and drunk. I think she gets tired of me (I know I would), and I appreciate that she was still there for me even though it was stupidly early in the morning and I was bawling and incomprehensible.
I thought I was going to have more to say. It seems as though I’ve lost all enthusiasm.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, Oh NOES, WTF?, Why why why?
Why do I do stupid things?
Why do I hurt the people I care about most?
Why am I so fucked up?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, WTF?, Why why why?
There are times when I feel so completely fed up that I don’t even have the energy to want to be tactful.
But I’m going to be. Minus the profanity.
I fucking hate my job. I fucking hate asshole people. I fucking hate money (or not having any). I fucking hate my car for CONSTANTLY fucking me, depsite my dumping into it two and a half times what I paid for it. I fucking hate having to deposit my check and then watch it disappear because of bills. I FUCKING HATE that despite all my efforts, I still only have one “real” friend. I fucking hate when bullshit piles up and I just get fucking angry. I want to hit something or hurt something. I want to scream at the top of my lungs until my voice is gone.
*sigh* Most of all, I fucking hate that the one thing that I’ve ever been halfway decent at constantly evades me. I fucking hate that I haven’t written a poem by my own free will in almost two years. I fucking hate that I’m unable to.
Again. Stifled.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Why why why?
Poser and I stayed up way too late last night in her hot tub, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes and being generally tired. But it was fantastic, and I slept like a fucking log (until her alarm went off and almost gave me a heart attack). She got up and went to work (eventually; her alarm went off about 8 million times and kept waking me up and she just slept through it, which doesn’t make any sense at all), and then around 10 came downstairs and woke me up. We dressed and went to the funeral. I was feeling okay, but as we drove there, I said about 5 times that I really didn’t want to be doing it. I hate funerals. My coping with death isn’t the greatest; I have a tendency to seem to not really care about it. But I knew this kid. I had a crush on him in high school. I sold him cigarettes at the gas station. I knew him. We pulled into the parking lot, both took a deep breath, got out and headed over to a group of people from high school. Eventually we made our way into the church, and as soon as we got through the doors, something in me snapped, and I started to tear up. I got myself together and we found somewhere to sit.
Then they brought in the casket.
As soon as I looked at that grey box, I imagined his face, and realized that his dead body was in there. I started crying. How the fuck is this right? Why the fuck is he dead? I cried pretty much throughout the entire thing (minus the part when the minister or whomever started talking about some LDS reincarnation bullshit or something) and as soon as it ended I turned to Poser and we fled. I just feel so damned sad, but at the same time, it’s like I don’t care at all. I just don’t understand, and I am left with a residual feeling of confusion and blah. It’s disgusting.
Thus, Poser and I have a deal that we’re going to get totally fuckered up this evening, in celebration of an epically shittyish day (that was an amazingly bad sentence).
On a lighter note, I got to hang out with my brother today, which made me really happy, considering how hard I bawled at the funeral when his cousin was talking about the relationship between the deceased and his little sisters. All I could think about was how devastated I would be if it were my brother, and I was so damned glad to see him and spend a bit of time with him today. Plus, he bought me beer. With his money (god, I’m such an asshole).
I also discussed with Poser the semi-hilarity of the fact that going to the funeral made me want to have sex. It’s ironic. And funny. Too bad no one there was looking to pick up weepy females who were oh-so-sad about the loss. OH MY GOD I AM SUCH A DOUCHE BAG.
Anyway. That’s it. That’s been my day thus far. I’m probably going to go shave some time soon, and figure out something to do tonight. I want to get totally fucked (in at least two ways).
Peace.
OH – Also, I’m pretty sure Spooner is avoiding me. Pretty sure quarterlife thinks I hate her or something. Pretty sure I want to hang out with Click and Spooner before they leave and I’m tired of drama.
I DO NOT LIKE SPOONER (like, romantically). FUCK, PEOPLE. COME ON.
I just want to hang out with my friends before they’re gone. UGH.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Today was magical. Fantastic. Amazing.
I say this in the most sarcastic tone imaginable.
I dragged my pathetic, lazy ass out of bed this morning and went to work. Work was busy all fucking day, hooray sunshine and people being inspired to get gas and propane and whatever else we sell. I was in a decent mood, however, because no one was being particularly assholeish today. He brought me a shaved ice, and it was delicious. We talked a bit; discussed our plans to hang out later and go watch The Happening. I got off work (finally – the fucking propane train showed up as I was attempting to leave), stood around and shot the shit with B-Rex for a little bit, and then went home. I jumped in the shower and headed to the theater to meet He.
First things first, there is a slight awkward tension between us, and it eminates mostly from him. I’m trying my damnedest to be his friend. Whatever. So he pays for the movie, we go in, we sit, we talk a bit, whatever, there’s a half hour of goddamned previews, and then the movie starts. I feel weird sitting next to him because we would normally be holding hands, or he would have a hand on my leg, or something, and I’m not used to us not touching in some way. But I get over it, because we are broken up. Once the movie ends, we go outside and we’re standing by my car talking. I can see the wheels turning in his head, and I ask him what (I’m always asking him what), and he sort of tries to kiss me (I saw it coming, I knew it). We then dive headfirst into a conversation I quite possibly could have gone without (at least for the sake of my emotions and my sanity).
He still wants to be with me. He sat in my car, looked me in the face and told me that he still loves me. That’s he’s crazy about me. That he’s enchanted by me. He told me that he wants to try. That he wants to do the dumb little things, that he wants to make me things, that he wants to buy me clothes and dinner and all of the amazing things that I needed from him, he wants to do. He wants to try. He wants me. A flood of sadnessragebitternesslonginghurt washed over me, and all I could say to him was, “You missed it.” And he knows. We talked in depth about that, and he’s still not going to give up. I want to cry because it all hurts so much. It hurts that he’s so sad, and it’s essentially my fault. It hurts that he still wants me. It hurts that he still loves me. It hurts that he’s now being the man and wanting to be the man I needed him to be when we were together. It takes everything in me to refuse his offer because it sounds so damned good. It really does. Because I do still love him (I’m always going to love him) and some part of me does still want to be with him. But I can’t. I have to take care of me, and I can’t do it anymore. Loving him killed me. Because I loved him too much. And he wasn’t what I needed him to be for me. The He that he’s being now, or that he wants to be now. And I told him that. WHY? Why couldn’t you want to try when I needed you to? When I begged you to? When I was miserable because I felt like you didn’t want to be with me anymore and all I needed was something, some little thing? Where was it then? Where was the intense love that you showed me tonight? Why couldn’t you do it then, when I needed it so badly? I can’t put myself through it again. I won’t. It will only end up the way it did this time; he’ll get sick of me, or focus on my faults, or whatever, and that will be that. We’re not going to live happily ever after. I don’t care how wonderful it would be, or for how long. That’s how we started. He was like this when we first got together. And it was truly magnificent. But time wears you down. We’re not meant to be. We can’t be. I just want to scream at him at the top of my lungs. It’s too late. It’s too goddamned late and that takes me back to square one. The way I felt when we finally parted ways tonight was the way I felt when we officially broke up. I longed to lay in my bed in a seemingly numb stupor. I still kind of do. I feel drained, and sad, and bitter. I’ve said it before and I will say it again. I hate you. I hate you for making me love you. And I’ll be damned if I didn’t tell you so. “Everything’s eventual.”
Thus, my day ended on an emotionally devastating note, and my brain feels like it is made of ice cubes. Clacking against each other, slowly melting in a an icy, painful drip.
What I really, really wanted, to be completely honest with the world, was to be able to call Spooner, and talk to him, or something, or at least make him let me go hug him. That’s what I needed. I don’t know why it was him, aside from the fact that I have very few male friends (or friends, for that matter), and I needed a hug from a male friend. It gets back down to the fucking retarded trust/friendship situation between us, where, once again (story of my fucking LIFE), I care more and have far more interest in the relationship than the other person. I’ve learned to deal with this with Spooner, but when things like this happen, it’s incredibly difficult. Regardless, I suck it up the best I can, because really, what other option do I have? And I’ll continue sucking it up, because I refuse to spend my days a mindless, miserable zombie. I HAVE to move on with my life, or it will go on without me. I feel, at current, that I have two options. I can either immerse myself in friends; depend on people, hang out, whatever (though this proves to be difficult because the people I have come to consider friends don’t seem to have any interest in being such), or I can withdraw completely from everyone (which seems so goddamned compelling considering the status of the prior). I feel superflous with stagnant emotions that I cannot do anything with. And damn it, Spooner. Why is it that the one person you need the most is never there when you need them the most? The world has a cruel set of rules, and I’m tired of having no one to turn to when all I need is someone.
Someone pour some hot water in my head and shake me around so the ice will melt completely and I can just be done with it. I don’t need my brain or the problems it seems to cause anymore.
Why, fucking why can’t someone just be there for me when I need them (Poser, you don’t count and you know why, though you know I appreciate you very much)?
Well hell, at least I’ll sleep well tonight. Crying makes for a puffy-eyed, sleepy Holly.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I have gone completely numb. Everything is in slow motion. There is no way for me to discern any emotion, any event, any thing.
I thought I had it together. I thought I was doing okay. And I suppose for the most part, I am. However.
He called me at least 3 times today, and texted many times on top of that. We were supposed to have coffee, and that fell through, but he told me what he was going to tell me anyway. We’re not going to talk. Or whatever. He’s going to try to not talk to me. For however long. It’s for the best, but something in me is reacting to that. I can’t put an emotion on it, because I can’t feel anything. I really can’t. I want to cry, and I can’t even do that.
I’m back to square one, but worse. I want to withdraw from the world. I don’t want to go to work. I don’t want to talk to people. I don’t even want to watch TV. I just want to lay in my bed and stare at the ceiling. I want to lie dormant until whatever it is that I am feeling (or not) goes away. This too shall pass, I’m sure. But I could have gone without it. I’m sorry. I didn’t know I was your best friend. I didn’t know anything because you never told me. That’s it. That’s how I feel. I feel like I failed. I feel like a failure. I feel like your lack of communication during our relationship is my fault. I feel like I’ve let you down. I feel like something about me wasn’t enough for you to tell me the things that you can now. And I don’t want to know them. It’s too much. It’s too much that I’m your best friend. It’s too much that you think I lied to you. It’s too much that you want me to be as sad as I refuse to show that I am at times. It’s too much that you need me so much. It’s too much that you think I’m going to forget you, or replace you. It’s too goddamned much that we were miserable together and now we’re miserable apart. And I’m furious with you. I want to yell at you. I want to punch you. I want to rip my heart out and hold it in your face and make you see. Fuck you. That was yours. The whole thing. Without bounds, forever. And some part always will be. How dare you have the audacity to feel that I would EVER consider my time spent with you to be a waste. You were two and a half years of loving. Of sharing. Of companionship and friendship. Of intimacy and affection. I shared my life with you for two and a half years and how fucking dare you think I’m stupid for caring about you. You were the first person I gave my whole heart to, the person I gave my virginity to, the first person that I have ever let in when my entire being was telling me not to. How dare you have the balls to even consider feeling that I would ever forget about you. You, what I felt for you, and what you are to me are all irreplaceable. HOW DARE YOU make me feel as though I inadequately portrayed those things to you. How dare you.
The tears have now come. And the words are beginning to escape me. I feel like I’m sinking into a pool of gasoline with a lighted match in my hand. It seems inevitable that I’m just going to be consumed by flames, but I still have time to blow it out. At this point, I’m not entirely sure what I should do. I want to just get on with my life. I was doing so well. I was coping with it. And then He tells me all the things he told me tonight, and that shred of sanity that I was building evaporated into thin air. Poof, gone. I’m trying so damned hard to keep it together, for my sake more than anyone else’s, and I don’t know if I can. And the one person that I want to talk to, that I want to go to for support, I can’t. Spooner. That retarded premature trust and unexplainable “friendship” makes me want him. And I can’t. I won’t. Because he doesn’t deserve it. And all I fucking want is a hug. All I want is for someone to hold me and let me cry, or scream, or whatever. I just need someone to be there for me because I have no one. Poser’s there for me, and I love her for it, but that doesn’t cut it, and I don’t know why. I don’t know why I need a male’s comfort. But I do. Desperately. And at this point, I don’t have any real friends that are guys. I’ve kept them at a distance by being crazy or needy or seeming desperate, I guess. And I suppose I can admit that I am a bit needy and desperate at the moment. But only for the aforementioned gesture. I need to be more to someone than a girl with nice tits or a potential fuck. I need a male friend that will let me fucking be stupid for five goddamned minutes because I’m only so strong. I can only keep it together for so long without talking about it. I can only pretend to be okay or ignore it for so long. And then I have to do something, and if that something is fucking crying, so be it. It would be brief. Hard, but brief. I just need someone to give a shit. And I want it to be Spooner. But I refuse to ask it of him because I’ve been so fucking crazy at him already. But there it is. And that’s not going to go away either, and it contributes to the need for a goddamned hug.
I want to be friends with He. I am friends with He. But he needs me the way I need Spooner, and I can’t do it. I’m not emotionally capable of being for him, though I want to be, if not only because I’m that kind of person and that kind of friend. And it kills me. I feel guilty that I have to force him to do it on his own, though that is the only real way it can be done. I feel like I was doing okay, and then He grabbed a fistful of my hair and jerked me back down to the stifling, depressing pit I had just dragged myself out of. I was already there. I already went through what He’s going through. I spent two solid days in my bed, pathetic and bawling. Friends had to force me to leave the house, and I didn’t even care what I looked like when we did. I didn’t care about anything for two solid days. And then I started picking up the pieces and putting myself back together. Because that’s what you do. That’s what you have to do. I had to move on. I have to move on. And I will. But the shit with He today has gotten me so fucked up that I’m sure my brain has exploded, and I can feel the remnants dripping from the walls of my skull, forming a useless slop that sloshes around between my ears.
Someone please come through for me.
So I regain the strength to come through for myself.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
And I don’t know why.
I don’t understand anything that is happening in my life at the moment, and in some strange way, I guess I’m okay with that. I can’t control everything, no matter how badly I want to.
He called me again today, while I was at work, stocking the cooler. He just “wanted to talk” and then got on my ass for saying the only things I could think to say. He is my friend. I want to be there for him. But the same way that I cannot possibly use him as a crutch to get over him, he can’t use me. I will listen if he needs to talk. I will tell him what I think, and I will do everything I can to help him. That’s what friends do. But I feel like he wants more out of me, and I don’t know what to do. There was a lot of dead air in the duration of our conversation, and my brain was racing the whole time, struggling to grasp on to something I could say that wouldn’t be stupid or pointless. And I guess I ended up just pissing him off, because I was saying “cliche” things or giving him “life lectures.” I just didn’t know what the fuck to do. And I sure as hell didn’t know what the fuck to say. I feel terrible that he is so lonely and miserable and stressed out. I wish there was something I could do to make it better for him. But there isn’t anything. And some small part of me, some evil, angry, dark part of me is somewhat pleased. That part of me is jumping up and down, pointing at him and asking, “How does it feel? How does it feel when you’re just being crazy and the person you want to just be nice to you is giving you all the wrong answers?” I know that’s terrible, but some part of me is there. Some part of me is glad that he’s finally going through what he put me through often in our relationship. In general, I’m just frustrated because I’m sad too. He’s not the only one who experienced this breakup. We’re dealing with it in different ways, and though his way is much more difficult, it’s going to be a lot quicker. I wish he would realize that. I want to be there for him and I do want to be his friend. But I have absolutely no idea what to say when he calls me to “talk” and then just gets upset with me.
Also, sex. Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex sex. I want some.
Ugh. I’m going to go to bed. Something I should have done nearly three hours ago.
I’m so overwhelmed by so many emotions that I have opted to go with the most prevalent: rage. I am goddamned livid right now. And it’s only because I don’t know how to fucking cope with anything and I never try to cope with anything and I let little stresses get the better of me.
I just want to feel like someone gives a goddamn about me, but between everyone I hang out with only liking me because of my tits and Spooner only wanting to use the hell out of me (frustration I’m not going to go into, what I just said was highly rude and overstated considering my current demeanor), I feel like I don’t fucking matter at all. I’m FRUSTRATED.
Fuck. I’ll get this all out later when I’m not swimming in a pool of ire.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Well shit, Why why why?
I need to stop doing what I have been doing lately. Sometimes it hits me way too late and I don’t understand why. But getting plastered out of my mind as often as I have in the last week is a terrible idea, and yet I continue doing it. Last night was a pretty good night, though. There was minimal drama (I suppose it can never fully be prevented), and I had a generally good time. Delicious hookah makes everything that much better as well. But the way I feel today, looking back on some of the things I did or allowed to happen, makes me want to vomit. Who am I?
quarterlife hates me, I’m pretty sure. I feel bad because I was incredibly mean to her last night, but at the same time, I don’t. I’m just tired of being thrust in the middle of a very simple situation that is made out to be so much more difficult than it really is. Ugh.
I want a hug.
I had an incredibly hot dream this morning, and I remember it completely, and it sucks. Why couldn’t this one fall out of my head like the crazy dreams I had the night before last?
I hate how everything seems to be falling apart right in front of me and it’s all my fault.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
And I hate it. Loathe it. Abhor it.
I’ve sunken into a quiet depression that I constantly ignore. And tonight, in the culmination of my confronting drama llamas shitting all over my life, I almost lost it. The depression reared it’s ugly head, and I nearly had a complete breakdown in the middle of Denny’s. I’ve come to terms with an overpowering feeling that makes me want to curl up into a little ball and cry for the rest of my life: I am alone. I constantly push away the people I care most about, and I don’t realize that I am doing it until it is too late. It took two and a half years for me to do it with He. And damned if my skills aren’t improving, because it only took about a week with Spooner. And I seem to be doing a hell of a job with quarterlife as well. It’s time for me to dump. Brutally honest, harsh, and unnecessarily dramatic. Ready, kids? Strap in for a ride.
He: My tactics for dealing with the end of what had become a normal part of my life are completely fucked up, and as much as they seem to be working, they’re not. Avoidance. That’s all I’m doing. I’m avoiding thinking about him. I’m avoiding admitting to missing him. I’m avoiding the whole situation, and doing such has prevented me from being a blubbering, pathetic idiot. But when it comes down to it, I’m miserable. I want to lay around and cry and wallow in self-pity. Because truth be told, my heart is broken, and I don’t know how to deal with that. I don’t want to deal with that. And I know sooner or later I’m going to self-destruct because I am neglecting my personal repsonsibility to myself, and am attempting to “recover” in the worst ways possible. There is no possible way I’m ever going to get over it if I don’t face it and accept it. But I don’t have the strength, and I am terrified. I can’t do it on my own, and no one can do it with me. So I’m fucked. Truth? I’m not sad because we broke up. I’m sad because I am in love with him and our relationship was going nowhere fast. I’m sad because I am in love with him and that wasn’t enough. I’m sad because I wasn’t able to make an amazing man as happy as he made me, or, more importantly, as happy as he deserves to be. I’m sad because everything is eventual.
quarterlife: I love her dearly, I really do. But my brain has taken over and tough love has kicked in. I empathize with a lot of her situations. But my brain will not allow me to condone the poor choices she makes in order to deal with her problems. I’ve been there. I’ve done that. And then I forced myself to hear the delightful popping noise when the head comes out of the ass and starts breathing oxygen. More than any other friendship, my patience is being tested. I will not give up on her, and I am not judging her. I simply want more for her, and I want her to want more for herself. I am sure I am not the friend she expected or wanted me to be, and I feel bad about that. But I can only do so much. I can only be so much. And I know for a fact that my expectations are not too high, because she is a truly remarkable human being. It’s just infuriating watching her flail around while not realizing that about herself.
Spooner: Fuck, fuck, fuck. I can’t tell myself “I told you so” enough at this point. Prime example of my innate capability to create distance between myself and the people I desire to be closest to. Fuck.
The question I keep asking myself is this: What the fuck am I doing with my life? I’m not quite sure exactly what I mean when I ask that, but I really want to know the answer. Why am I refusing to deal with the loss I have just experienced? Why do I feel badly about everything that I do? Why does my stomach always hurt?
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?
I wrote this three years ago, and somehow, it still makes sense.
“Fuck Your Fairytale Ending”
There is no happy ending
for this chaotic one-way love.
No fairytale,
no movie scene,
no happy rise above.
There is no course of action
for this confusing complex game.
No path to choose,
no road to take,
the feelings stay the same.
There is no quick solution
for this fire we allow to burn.
No air-tight space,
no water hose,
these scars teach us to learn.
There is no consolation
for this emotion misconstrued.
No happy end,
no fairytale,
just me and solitude.
Today (well, technically yesterday) I broke up with the love of my life.
I am slightly intoxicated adn it is difficult for me to type correctly. I hit backspace about every 10 seconds.
I am sad. Who’s going go want me now? How do you move on?
Broken hearts are like broken limbs. It takes too long to get over when you really just need to get on with your life. I am so ambivalent right now, and I don’t even know how I feel. I’m fucking up friendships and relationships left and right.
Life is a cruel bitch who suffers no consequences.
Not. Fair.
Because quarterlife is doing things I don’t like. I understand why she is doing them, but I also think that she is a stronger, more intelligent person than the actions she has chosen to take, and I kick myself for not being able to be there to help her get through all of her shit, because if I had been, maybe she wouldn’t be having the issues she’s having now. Yes, that was a long and grammatically incorrect sentence. Suck my dick.
I am frustrated not so much that the world drives perfectly incredible people to extremes, but more at the fact that life provides people who have been driven to those extremeswith destructive venues. I am bitter, and pained.
Please stop.
Please?
It comes down to one simple thing. I love my father.
Feeling immensely shitty about everything today (which doesn’t make sense, because today was actually a pretty good day, what with getting my car fixed and whatnot…), I called my dad. He told me things I already knew, which means he did what he always does, but he also tried to cheer me up and ended up saying something that made me feel better (at least some internal part of me).
“Really, you should be damned proud of yourself. You’re putting yourself through college. I didn’t do it. Your mom didn’t do it. No one in my entire family has done it. You’re the first one. And you’re doing it by yourself. I’m proud of you. Why aren’t you?”
I stopped feeling sorry for myself and let that sink in, and instantly wanted to hug him. I should be proud of myself. College is huge. College is expensive. College is difficult. And I’m doing it. I am. Me. And that’s a pretty big fucking deal. On top of that, I’m pumping out kick ass grades (ahem – who got a 4.0 last semester?). By myself.
So this gets me thinking about everything else I’ve done in my life that I have to be proud of. I was forced into abandoning my childhood and I grew up all too soon, but if I stop revelling in my pity-party, I realize how beneficial that has been. I’m strong, independent, and intelligent. I work my ass of at everything I do, and I am humble. I work for everything I have, and I appreciate it all that much more for that reason. I have purchased three vehicles, in cash. My cash. I have worked dead-end jobs in order to buy the things I need and pay the bills. And I’m going to college. I’m the first. In that respect, if you think about it – if I think about it – I’m pretty kickass.
But I still feel stifled and stressed. Does it ever get better? Somewhere, deep down, under the pessimistic, sarcastic glass-half-empty bitch, some part of me says yes. Yes, it has to.
We can only go up from here.
Sometimes, for brief moments, I fall in love with life.
And now, a blast from the past:
Life is like a box of chocolates.
No, not the Forrest Gump line about never knowing what you’re going to get.
More like, you always get the fucking nasty ones that you have to end up spitting out.
And shoving your finger in the bottom of a chocolate to figure out the flavor only pisses people off.I hate knowing who I am.
I compare myself to everyone.
I know who I am.
Everyone else is better.
But I don’t know for what.That’s the problem.
They’re better.
But I don’t know what they’re better FOR.Life is a fucking random process.
You get what you give?
No.
You get what it gives.
You can give your all.
And get nothing.
It’s a joke, really.
We should learn to laugh.
Without covering our mouths.
Until we fucking cry.I chase myself around all the time.
I’m trying to make me settle down and talk to me.
But I just want to be insane.
I want to fuck around.
I want to play.
But at the same time.
I want to grow up.
I want to be everything I have always feared.What a fucking contradiction.
The most awesome part of looking in the mirror is knowing that you don’t see yourself.
You see everything that you hate compounded into your being…and you hate yourself…
If only mirrors were the eyes of those who love us.
We would all be happier.
And more willing to look in the mirror.It’s difficult to use your hands.
When they’re tied behind your back.
My solace is my bed.
And I shower too much.
But I am never clean…And I haunt myself in the mirror that refuses to show a mediocre reflection.
Filed under: Friendship?, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Ramble, Rant, Why why why?
This post, for all intensive purposes, is probably not going to make much, if any, sense.
My grandfather is going to cosign my loan. I’m fucking psyched.
I need to go home now. quarterlife keeps presenting the impending importance of our friendship development. I don’t care what happens. In my mind, she’s already my best friend. I’m not entirely sure I have the power to allow anything to get in the way of that. Ready or not, here I come. I’m more concerned about whether or not she is going to feel the same way. Welcome to the story of my life; a complete lack of reciprocation in terms of real, true friendships. I guess I’ll deal with that when we get there.
I’m tired of being fat. I’m tired of looking at pictures of myself when I weighed 120 and was attractive, and then realizing that I wear jeans 5 sizes larger now. I hate being a female, I hate college, and I hate stress. I hate my inability to cope without turning to gross amounts of food. Luckily I have a boyfriend who, for some unknown (perhaps the fact that he is, possibly, mentally unstable) reason, still thinks I’m the hottest thing since a space heater on the sun (that’s hilarious, by the way…think about it).
Ugh. I just want to go home. I don’t want to play grown-up anymore. This shit is not fair.
ALSO – a development that I am still somewhat uncertain about regarding Poser has been brought to my attention (via my myspace snooping [hey now, I like to think of it as "investigating"]), and I am fucking irritated that someone I cared so much for and had so much in common with could be (to put it harshly) such a dumb whore.
First I tried my dad. He didn’t have enough credit.
Then I tried my dad’s girlfriend. I haven’t heard from her in a couple weeks.
Then I tried by boyfriend. He doesn’t want to do it.
My boyfriend asked his dad. He’s not willing to do it.
Then I aked my mom. She can’t do it.
I didn’t bother asking my brother, I know he doesn’t have any credit.
My mom said to call my aunt. My aunt doesn’t have the credit.
My aunt said to call my grandpa. I’m waiting for a call back.
I fucking hate this. Why can’t someone with good credit just co-sign my goddamned loan?
I’m ready to pull my hair out.
Filed under: Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Stop putting it in my butt, Why why why?
I can officially say (in a purely metaphorical sense, obviously) that my asshole hurts. Life is fucking me harder and faster and has absolutely no intention of stopping, it seems.
First of all, after spending a general total of about $738 to buy and install the part for my car, I now apparently need to spend $518 more in order to fix the shit underneath it that’s bent. Counting the wheel and tire and the towing, I’m up to about $1,500. I paid $1,000 for the car itself.
So, now I have to take out a loan, which I really don’t want to do, but I don’t have a choice. I’m so goddamn excited, you have no idea. On top of that, I’m not getting all that much financial aid for next year. At least at this point, it doesn’t look like I am. Which means that I’m either going to have to get a job while I’m in school next year or I’m going to have to get a badass job this summer so that I can make sure that everything is taken care of. Have I mentioned lately how fucking much I HATE money?
On a slightly happier note, I just finished my PowerPoint. I’ve been in the computer lab since 12:30. So. Six hours, and I’m finally finished with it. I don’t feel like I did it right, but I don’t care. It’s colorful and fantastic.
However, six hours (did I mention the fact that it was STRAIGHT? No interruptions?) in the computer lab means I really need to go pee, and DESPERATELY need a cigarette. So I’m off.
I just realized…only one person reads this. I doubt she even does. Woe is me.
