Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
This odd mixture of emotions is getting the better of me, and sometimes it feels as though the only way to go on living with even the most minute type of normalcy is to completely ostracize myself. It’s like the only way I can do okay or be okay is to limit my interaction with the rest of the social world. Which is odd in itself, as I’m craving company. I’m stuck in a horrific conundrum, and I don’t want to play anymore.
I have so much to do, and I don’t feel like I have the time to do it. I have obligations and constraints, and there simply is not enough time in the day without my running myself completely ragged. Break cannot come soon enough. And even then, I have to try to get a lot of work done during the break as well. Huzzah.
Things have started to happen, also, that bother me. I’m not upset, I’m not mad, I’m just…irritated. I feel like I’m struggling to empty my already overflowing plate, and shit just keeps being shovelled onto it. Please, please, leave me alone! I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I feel like I’ve been doing okay lately, you know, being responsible and whatnot, and getting things taken care of, but that’s academically. Once academics and my life start raping me up the ass, I start to get a little flustered. And a little flustered can easily turn into a lot flustered.
I just want to go home. I want to be done with some of the shit I am in the middle of (fortunately, some of it will be out of the way before the week is up) and get on with it. I want to get on with it.
I found me again. It’s odd, because due to the situation, I’m not all that happy. But I am happy. I’m that girl who I used to be, but better. I’m bright. I laugh. I radiate. And it’s so much better than how I used to be. And my first thought when I realized this was that it’s too bad that He isn’t around to experience it, and isn’t interested anyway.
Because I’m the type of girl he’d fall in love with. All over again.
Mostly, I’m just checked out on the shit that doesn’t matter. The small stuff doesn’t even roll off, because I don’t let it touch me. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to freak the fuck out about things that are inconsequential or out of my control.
I’m better now. I wish the people I want and need to see that actually would.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, WTF?, Well shit
I want to vomit violently to rid myself of the feeling lodged in my gut. It’s 20% hangover and 80% guilt.
I’m doing so well at not being a fucking prostitute, but I still make stupid choices, and I’m tired of it. I’m tired of all this bullshit. I’m tired of drama, I’m tired of masking how shitty I feel all the time, I’m tired of having quasi-friends.
So, why don’t I do something about it, right? There’s only so much I can do. I can’t force people to like me. I can’t force myself to move on from something my heart won’t let go of. I can only fake it for so long before I have a complete meltdown. I think that’s when I start to make the stupid choices. And I’m not so sure it’s just because of the alcohol.
On the upside, I found a ride home for break. So that’s good.
Also, I feel like total shit. I can’t stop shaking. I wasn’t ready.
Filed under: Fuck, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, PISSED, WTF?, Well shit
You make me scream.
On the inside.
I have so much that I just stuff down, because I know it’s old. It’s tired. It’s worn out, and no one wants to hear it anymore. But fuck it.
I STILL LOVE YOU. It’s not going away. You can fuck her all you want. She can make stupid comments on your Facebook. You can have a crush on her and want to date her. It doesn’t change the ferocity with which I love you. Period. I do everything I can to make it go away. I stuff it down. I ignore it. I stifle it the best I can.
Get out of me. Go away. I can’t do this anymore. And it’s your fucking fault.
I’m so tired. I’m. So. Tired.
Fuck this noise. I’m out.
Edit: this reads really, really rude and bitter. I can’t deny some bitterness, but I guarantee, text skews intent. Period. I don’t mean to be a bitch, or to be instigative or whatnot. I’m just expressing myself. And sometimes the interwebs are not the best medium. But I don’t have a lot of options. My apologies to anyone offended. Get at me and I will clarify.
Filed under: Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I don’t know what I need to do differently (well, I suppose I do), but something has got to change. I’m getting really tired of getting up to go work out and being struck with the overwhelming need to vomit. So I dry heave a bunch, and then go lift weights, and dry heave a bunch, and then come back to my room, and then go to Bodysculpting, and dry heave a bunch, and work out, and then go actually puke (it’s mostly just bile, which, let me tell you, is tons of fun), and then work out more. Today I felt like I was going to pass out, and there were pretty little stars floating around in my field of vision for the better part of the class.
I know I just need to eat more, specifically breakfast, but it’s really hard, because eating breakfast makes me throw up, too (yes, I’ve tried it). I eat really well when I do eat, I just don’t do it often enough, I suppose. My dad seems to be pretty concerned about it, because I called him to ask him about what I could do or what was going on, and he asks me every time we talk if I’m still puking.
I suppose it’s the price you pay to look good? I can’t even really tell if anything is changing for me body-wise. I seem to have plateaued at 150, which is kind of depressing, but my pants are also too big for me, and there’s definition in my biceps and shoulders/back. I suppose living in my body makes it hard for me to judge the changes, if in fact there are many/any.
I really want someone to come cuddle with me and watch a movie.
And it’s been FAR too long since I’ve had sex or done anything even close to it. It’s good, but oh, oh, so fucking bad.
I want to go home. Two weeks.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I preface this with a sigh, because that is all I have.
My body aches. My mind aches. Everything aches. Everything is tired. I’m ready for this semester, at very least, to be over.
I haven’t had sex in a month, and though I take pride in that, it’s also extremely frustrating, in more ways than I care to address at current.
I’m going to run out of money, and that’s okay, I guess, but again, frustrating.
I really just want to get all my shit done so I can sit around with some “friends” and drink some beer and refuckinglax.
More when I actually have time.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Stephen King wrote that, and it just kind of stuck with me.
Some day, I’m going to learn that loving myself is more important than loving someone else, especially when it is thrown in my face that I’m wasting (and possibly had wasted) my time.
Some day, I’m going to wake up and look in the mirror and believe that I’m as beautiful as I think I am on the inside.
Some day, I’m going to fix all the things I’ve broken, including myself.
I’m doing better lately. I resist temptations, or at least the ones that I know will get me into trouble or lead me to something I know I will regret. I’m angsty and sad and bitter, but I’m doing okay. Or at least very close to okay, most of the time. I think stupid amounts of physical activity helps.
I refuse to believe that I am a bad person, but I feel like I am. And I’m exhausted. I’m tired of feeling nothing but negative things about myself as a result of everything with He. It’s stupid. But I can’t bring myself to change it. I don’t really know how. Some of it is in his hands, I suppose, and it’s all such clusterfuckery that it doesn’t matter.
It never really mattered.
Some day, I’m going to have the strength to rise from the ashes and begin anew.
I am beautiful and brilliant. I am a good friend and a good person, and I am overlooked.
I don’t want to do it all over with someone else. That’s part of my problem, I think. I don’t want it with anyone else. I never asked for marriage. I never asked for forever. I never asked for much.
I’m sorry I couldn’t show you how much I love(d) you. And it’s not that I didn’t. I couldn’t. And now that I can, you don’t care.
I have so much to say, and no one to say it to.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, My heart hurts, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
To the few of you that have proven to me the things I have doubted, thank you.
I finally have experienced the painful and difficult realization that my behavior has got to stop. There are serious and terrifying consequences to what I have been doing, and I should avoid them rather than just hope for the best. I’m going to stop drinking and partying so much. And if I do happen to partake in either, I’m going to make sure it’s not in an environment that can get out of control. I don’t know what the hell I have been thinking, and I’m not sure that the way I have been feeling is a valid enough reason for the endeavors I have participated in. I used to pride myself on the fact that I hadn’t had sex with many people. Now I look back on the last couple of months and feel complete disgust and disappointment at what I’ve allowed myself to become. I have said it before, and this time I am going to prove it. That is not the girl I am, nor is it the girl I want to be. My rapid transformation into that girl is coming to and end. Now.
I don’t know how it happened, but I feel less pressure. I still have intense and overpowering feelings for He, but they’re not running my life. I can have a conversation with him without breaking down. Granted, I still want to; it eats at the back of my brain, but I don’t do it. I can control myself. A part of me is really happy about that, because I think that is going to enable me to do better in regards to healing. Another part isn’t so sure it’s what I really want to do. But at this point, what choice do I have? I love someone I cannot have, that does not want me, and the only thing to do is move past it, I suppose. Some shit about better to have loved and lost…
I am seriously resolute this time. I keep destroying myself because of the things I’ve been doing, and yet I continue to do them. I’m done. I’m tired of feeling the ways that I feel, I’m tired of putting myself in situations I deplore, I’m tired of all of it. And I keep doing it to myself. So why not just stop? It’s been brought to my attention that perhaps I need support. I’ve been yearning for that. I am inclined to think I need to do it by myself, to show myself that I don’t need someone else, that I can do it on my own, that I’m self-sustaining. But at the same time, I do see how having people who are cheering me on is only going to make the process easier. You know, positive reinforcement.
He is my best friend. It’s complicated, it’s messy, there’s still a lot of loose ends. But I appreciate his friendship, and I’m trying to limit it to just that. I very much want to keep him in my life. We’ll see how it goes.
quarterlife has touched me very deeply by proving to me that some people really do give a fuck, no matter what. It’s been shown to me before, but it is indescribably moving to me coming from her, especially considering all the bullshit we’ve gone through.
Again, to these few people, especially the two mentioned: thank you. I’m not going to let you down this time.
I’m not going to let me down.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not entirely sure how I feel, or what I’m doing, or what I’m supposed to feel, or what I’m supposed to be doing, but I am resolute.
Thing have to change, at very least. I’ve gotten a handle on my uncharacteristic behaviors, with few slip-ups, and I intend to keep improving in that respect. I’m tired of having to torture myself the next day for actions that were ill-thought out or too quickly adhered to. It’s not so much what I’m doing, but why I’m doing it. So, I suppose, it’s actually both. Either way, I’m too exhausted to do it to myself anymore. I have far too much going on as it is, and I don’t need to focus my energy on how stupid I’ve been. I need to just knock it off. Developing self-esteem and self-respect should not be as difficult as I seem to be making it, nor should it happen in the ways I am endeavoring to achieve it. I believe that I can be happy without placating myself with a false sense of validation from temporary physical benefits. What I want cannot be substituted, and I need to make sure I remember that before I take my pants off, or whatever.
What I really need to do is buckle down and focus on school. It, on top of everything else going on in my life, is kicking my ass, and the apathy I feel toward it is not conducive to my success. It’s tricky for me, because I’m attempting to build myself a social network to inhibit the lonliness that consumes me, but that shouldn’t take away from the time I devote to school. And it does. So, apparently I need to work on that as well.
The frustrating part is that there is so much that needs to be done, and I am fully aware of it, and willing to do it, but I am so exhausted from having not done it that all I really want is to do nothing. Just lay in bed and sleep it all away. Because in bed, everything somehow seems better, minus the empty space next to me. Lonliness is like a violent rapist. There is no real struggle, because it just overpowers you. The more you attempt to struggle, or fight it off, the more it seems to enjoy violating you. The worse it gets. I’ve kind of taken to just laying there and letting it happen. Just get it over with. The real trouble comes from what results, the heaviness. I feel pregnant with the seed, the burden of lonliness. Abort, abort.
That is all, for now. I ache with the need to purge, but I need to find the words.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
It’s a strange situation, really.
I’m fine so long as I’m not thinking about it.
And then I’m alone, and the world comes crashing down, and I’m sick to my stomach, and I can’t handle anything, and I want to freak out or punch someone or rip my hair out.
This is the dumbest bullshit I have ever dealt with. EVER.
And then I take it out on He, just because I blame him for how I feel, which is also dumb, but I can’t help it, because I’m so fucking bitter about the fact that I can’t make him love me. I want to do something huge, something epic, something amazing that will show him how important this is to me, how badly I want him, how different I am and it could be. But I feel like even if I walked through fire, it wouldn’t be enough. Nothing I do is going to be enough, and I don’t know how to deal with that. There’s a lot of complicated shit that goes with that, and I just…ugh. I can’t handle it.
Fuck my life. I’m doing okay, though. That’s good.
I think I’ve got roughly three guys “interested” in me, and that’s…difficult. I’ve been doing fairly well with staving off using them, though, and that’s good. I hang out with them, because they’re cool guys, but I’m not going to allow myself to give in to their interests purely so that I can feel better about how desperately unwanted and worthless I feel. Just because I ache to be wanted, loved, whatever, doesn’t mean I’m going to take advantage, regardless of what their motives are or how pure their intentions are. It’s just not something I want to do. Ever.
I’m tired of making everyone else miserable.
Moving on to step two.
Oh, and also, my phone isn’t here yet, and if it doesn’t show up soon, I’m going to fucking RAGE. Because I have to go to Verizon to get the service switched over, and if I don’t get there before they close…oh my god. So grumpy.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, Meh, My heart hurts, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I need to knock it the fuck off.
What the fuck am I doing to myself?
I don’t know if it’s alcohol, or just my blatant disregard for myself due to a lack of self-respect, but I am doing things that aren’t characteristic of me. Again. Granted, some part of me does want to do them, hence why I do, but I don’t think that they are things that are conducive to my getting better. I’m okay, I think, for the most part. And then…and then I do something that makes me feel cheap and disgusting the next morning, and I’m sick to my stomach with guilt, and I’m not sure why I feel guilty at all. Because I know it’s wrong? Because I know I probably shouldn’t have done it, and whatever reason I have FOR doing it isn’t good enough? “Because I wanted to” isn’t a good enough reason for me. It is, but it’s not.
I feel like I’ve lost my fucking mind, and that’s the hard part. I’m on a quick road to destruction, and I need to grab the wheel and pull a sharp U-turn. And I recognize that, but don’t seem to be able to do it just yet. I feel like I should withdraw from the world, because my participation in it is doing me more harm than good at this point.
It’s time, for real-real, to get my shit in order.
It starts today.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I'm crazy, My heart hurts, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I think I’ve finally reached the breaking point.
It has all culminated into one brilliant, disgusting moment, and I don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t know what I’ve been doing with myself. And I don’t really know how to go about cleaning up the mess I’ve become, or the messes I’ve made.
I need to stop. Just…stop, period. I do things that make me look back and cringe. I behave in ways that are completely uncharacteristic of me, just because I can. I’ve gotten far too out of control. And it’s time to rein myself in. I don’t like the way things are going, and thus, and I have to do something about it.
The image that keeps coming into my head is that I’ve been fighting against a whirlpool. It had been pulling at me, harder and harder, and I had been swimming against it, exhausted, trying to keep myself out of it, every stroke draining me. And it just seems like I either finally lost the battle, or I just gave in, and now I’m swirling down, down, down, and if I don’t do something, I’m going to drown.
At what point am I going to start taking my own advice?
Too many unanswered questions, kids. That’s my problem.
How the fuck do I get over He when part of me wants to hold out?
And should I really hold out when there’s no guarantee?
Ugh. I’m going to do some homework now. I’m sure I’ll post again later.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Sometimes I feel like my best option is to withdraw from myself. Lonliness has become my closest and most endearing friend, and I don’t know how I feel about it. It’s one of those friendships that you don’t particularly enjoy, but you can’t really bring yourself to get out of, because no matter where you go or what you do, that friend is there, tagging along. You don’t really like this friend, but at least you have one, and you’re afraid to give that up. Lonliness is bullying me, but I don’t have the balls to stand up to it.
Something happened tonight that knocked the air out of me. I sort of saw it coming, but I guess I didn’t believe myself. I don’t think the situation is quite as bad as I am allowing myself to feel about it, but it’s still pretty shitty, and I don’t want to have to deal with the emotional repercussions. I know that I made a lot of mistakes over the summer. But I don’t believe that I am the kind of person that will do things simply for emotional or physical gratification, nor am I the type of girl that appreciates being called just for sex. He didn’t get what he wanted, but I am still left feeling cheap and disgusted with myself. How do I enable myself to get into these situations?
I feel like life keeps dealing me a really shitty hand. I know I bitch a lot, but come on, really? I’m down to play the game, I’d just really like to win every now and then, you know?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I’m having some.
I’m not sure I want to be friends with He. I mean, I know I do, but I don’t think it’s working out for me at this point. I’m at serious unease. Sometimes, I feel perfectly fine about things. But that’s in certain situations. The majority of the time, I’m kind of sick to my stomach. I’m annoyed. The entire thing is trying my patience, and I don’t really know how much more and I can endure. I think I’m subjecting myself to things that aren’t helping me in any way.
He’s fucking using me.
That’s my radtastic fucking epiphany for the day. Pretty stoked about it.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, WTF?
I’m in love with my ex-boyfriend.
Someone teach me to get over it.
I can’t bear the thought of her near him.
My stomach turns. It shouldn’t, but it does.
How do I let go?
Someone, please. Tell me.
Help me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
I’m quickly tiring of the rollercoaster. I’m not sure if it’s a good thing or a bad thing, but I’m growing weary of the ups and downs.
One night I’m so desperately miserable that I have mutliple panic attacks and can barely keep my eyes open due to the amount of crying I’m doing. The next night, I feel fine. What is this?
Maybe it’s just because I distract myself with schoolwork. Or maybe I just tell myself that because on some level, I’m afraid that maybe I am starting to get over it and I’m not sure I’m ready/willing to.
Truth? I have no fucking idea what’s going on. And I might be okay with that.
Maybe.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
Want to know the truth?
I’m still in love with my ex-boyfriend.
He is still the most attractive guy I know.
I have no reason to be shy in saying that I want to fuck the hell out of him. Even without his encouragement.
I am a fucking idiot, and I would love to hear you tell me differently.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, IF YOU ASK REAL NICE I'LL MAYBE GIVE YOU THE PASSWORD - DOH BOY!, Inspired, My heart hurts, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
It’s like flipping a light switch.
When it flips down, it’s dark as hell.
I think I’ve made that pretty clear.
Shit, just read some of this shit.
But, oh, when it flips up, put your fucking shades on.
Right now, in this moment, despite a lot of things, I feel ecstatic.
Like the sun is shining just because I’m in a good mood.
I’m just going to revel in this.
I’m fucking invincible.
(not to mention, getting pretty hot). ;P
I just realized something today.
I’m going to be okay. I am okay.
Things change. People change. Situations change. And I’m going to make it work for me.
It’s hard, and I’m sure I will have regressions (is that a word?), but I’m honestly done.
I’m going to move on with my life, and I’m going to make it fantastic.
I’m a fucking senior, and I am going to make this year kick ASS.
Like, melt your face off.
I care about He. I always will.
But I’m not going to let it eat at me anymore.
He did what he did, he does what he does, and all I can hope for is that he is happy.
It’s not my business and not my problem, and I shouldn’t let it affect me.
SOoooooo…
here’s to making life all it can be.
I’m sticking to it this time, I swear.
I hope.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, PISSED, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Okay, so maybe I’m a goddamned liar. Maybe I just get far too optimistic sometimes. Maybe, just maybe, I really don’t handle being lonley very well. I truly want to believe that I am okay without He up here, and that would be a whole lot easier if I could keep myself occupied. Because it’s turning into an issue. It’s not just missing him. It’s not just feeling like something about being up here is off, missing, incomplete. It’s not just being kind of sad that we’re broken up and everything – everything – is different. It’s that I start thinking back, back to when we broke up, and I start getting sad/hurt/angry again. I go out of my way not to call He and ask him why the fuck he replaced me. And then I have to battle with myself in order to convince myself that he didn’t replace me, no matter what it feels like. Just because there is absolutely no other way I can feel about the situation doesn’t mean that that’s how it is. And mostly, I’m just fucking irate because I swear to JESUS I thought I was over this horseshit. So, in a nutshell, I am trying really hard to just not think about anything pertaining to He at all. Which is difficult. But I’m doing my best, and it’s going to get better. It’s going to get better. I refuse to allow this shit to happen again.
So. I’m not entirely sure that any of that made sense or even came out the way I wanted it to, but I had to fucking vomit it out somewhere, because I’m having a difficult time this morning. I know there’s going to be a problem when I go to bed in a decent mood and wake up feeling much less than 100%. I feel like some part of me had a super delayed reaction and is just now going through the grieving process. Which really isn’t cool. I’m exhausted with being sad at all, about anything. Especially anything regarding He.
I find myself stifling bitterness.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?, Yays!
The last couple of days have been…rough…I suppose I would say. I’ve been having miniature internal meltdowns almost every night, and sometimes they spill out and I have to talk to someone. Most recently it’s been my parents, and I told He, and all three of them have told me that I need to just calm down. I’m sure they are right, but it’s still sort of difficult because some of the things I am stressing about are terrifying. It takes a lot of energy for me to just shove it to the back of my mind so that I can function like a normal human being.
I’m back in the ’scow, and initially, I was really happy about it. I realized that I really do like it up here. And then, while sitting in my dorm room, being bored out of my mind (my roommate is like, an exchange student or something from Ecuador, and isn’t in our room all that much because she has to go to meetings and stuff…or something), I had a mini-panic attack. I guess. Sort of. The brain took me on a magical journey to Misery Swamp, and all I could think about was He, and how hard it’s going to be up here without him, and blah blah blah blah blah. And then I just got sad because we are broken up, which is stupid, and so I just sat here and cried like a little baby for a while and then took a deep breath and knocked it the fuck off. It is going to be a huge change without He up here, not only because we’re not together anymore, but because he was the doorway to friendships and social gatherings for me. I’m pretty sure that none of the guys in his house actually have a whole lot of interest in being my friend or hanging out with me, and the only reason that they ever did was because I was He’s girlfriend. It’s kind of depressing, but I guess it’s just an opportunity for me to make more friends or something by myself. I guess I just need to adjust a little bit better rather than feeling sorry for myself, which it seems like is what I am doing.
On the upside, I figured out how to get connected to the internet all by myself. I’m pretty proud of that, because last year I had to have He do it because I had all sorts of problems with it. I got it done in like, an hour (technically it was like, five minutes, but I’m counting the time that I spent in the computer lab AFTER I registered the connection). I know it’s silly, but it’s a small triumph for me personally. I guess you’d have to be me to understand. It’s liberating? Because I didn’t need He to do it for me. It seems cruel or harsh or mean, maybe, but I guess I like that I am capable of doing things that I needed He for before. It makes me feel like I’m getting my independence back, and that’s a good thing. I hope. I just need to cling to that, because truthfully, for the last…oh…4-5 hours I’ve been missing He terribly.
I’m hoping that this year is fantastic. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that it is, but who knows what hand life plans on dealing me?
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not sure I should even be doing this right now, because I have been far too contemplative and somewhat down for the past couple of days. I guess I just want to dump it out.
I was so gloriously okay, and then new information rears its ugly head, and I feel myself teetering on the edge of misery. I refuse to feel the way I felt before, and I don’t think I do. But some part of me has such a difficult time dealing with the situation, particularly because of some of the finer details. And it would be so much easier to deal with if people didn’t use bullshit excuses to validate the things they’ve done. Maybe that’s just me, but regardless, it’s bothersome. My biggest problem at this point is that some part of me is clinging so desperately to it all, and really, I don’t care that much. I don’t want to care. None of it is my business, and I don’t want it to be. I just don’t know how to turn myself off. It’s okay, but it’s not fucking okay. It’s driving me crazy. So most of the time, I prefer to just not think abotu it. I’m not really sure what’s going on with me, and that’s infuriating because I was doing so well, and now I feel as though I’m slipping.
I can’t wait to leave. I’ve loved the past few weeks here, hanging out with people and having a good time and whatnot, but I’m ready to remove myself from the situation. I think distance will help me put the finishing touches on distancing myself completely in terms of emotions, and that is a huge part of all my shit right now, I think.
I’ll do this again later. I really don’t have it in me right now. I’m not even sure any of this makes sense.
I’m going to go ahead and say this, and in some brevity, because I really need to go to bed.
I do not, nor will I ever appreciate people saying fucked up things about me or making assumptions about me without actual knowledge or information. It is hurtful and childish and completely unnecessary. At this point it just blows my fucking mind that this is even an issue.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit
I’m not 100% on how I feel at the moment, and that pisses me off. Even when I was sitting around by myself, I still felt good. And then He comes along and fucks it up. Derails me. I’m struggling to not let it bother me, and I’m doing a decent job, but I can feel myself slipping. I’m not sure what to do to stop it. I refuse to let myself be brought down again. I worked so hard to get where I am and I will NOT let him bring me down anymore. Every time I start dwelling on it, I just close my eyes, take a deep breath, and tell myself I deserve better. Shitty things happen to good people, sometimes.
I’m having a hard time not feeling like perhaps I am too needy with my new friends. I enjoy hanging out with them, but at some point last week I just stopped texting them because I felt like I was being too much. People need space. Shirt just texted me, and that made me feel nice, because I didn’t have to make the effort. It pisses me off that I feel this way because I know WHY I feel this way and I shouldn’t have to. That’s why I’m so irritated that I’m bothered by the stupid shit with He. It affects everything in my life in terms of my behavior, and I don’t need that to happen. I don’t want it to happen. I’m not going to let it happen. Jesusfuck.
I cannot WAIT until Thursday rolls around. I’m going to rectify the way I’m feeling by uttering a silent “FUCK YOU” to all the drama, and I’m going to go to the Gator and have the time of my life, like I always do. That’s where my happy lies; in the people, the spirits, and the sheer fun that lingers there.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, My heart hurts, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
The past couple of days, despite my going out of my way to keep my mind occupied, have been rough. After work tonight I came home and felt myself slipping into the same disgusting pool of misery that I have been working so hard to pull myself out of. I’m terrified and relieved to be going to councelling tomorrow. Relieved because I know or at least seriously hope that it will help me. Help me identify my emotions. Process them. Get the fuck over it all. Terrified because I’m worried that I won’t know what to say. Or just worried that I’m going to open my mouth and it’s all going to come spilling out in some incomprehensible tearful babble. I don’t want to tap into that again. I don’t want to hurt anymore and I don’t want to identify with the pain I carry around. I know it will do me good, but I don’t want to do it. I don’t deserve to feel this way. I don’t deserve what He is doing, and I hate that I have to feel anything about it. It really is none of my business but the pain of it is so fucking unbearable that I feel I’m being crushed by it. The walls close in and my lungs can’t expand and I get so fucking clausterphobic that I can’t handle it. I’m in some kind of hell. This life is a prison and I want out.
I’m bitter and resentful and still so fucking sad that I can’t handle it. I’m angry because He is regarding us unequally. It is as though he can do whatever he wants; he can move on, he can fuck people, he can be in a quasi-relationship, he can be perfectly okay, but I can’t. That idea bounces around in the back of my skull each and every day. When I stop to think about it, it becomes so infuriating and hurtful that I barely know what to do with myself.
I deserve to be happy, too.
I realized something horrifying yesterday. My dad and I were discussing the prices of things and the price of cigarettes, and I told him that I really wanted to quit, if not only because I’m throwing away money on smoking. And before the words hurled themselves from between my lips, I stopped myself, because I didn’t want to tell my father the thought that crossed my mind. The only reason I keep smoking, and that I smoke so much, is because I need a habit. Without smoking, I would go back to cutting. I thought about this for a second, thought about all the things that came with the thought, as though perhaps it were just some peripheral off-handed idea that I was using to justify smoking. But then the stark reality set in. I do. Badly. I want to bury a blade in my flesh and wrench out all the pain. I want the deep, ragged, itchy reminders that I can purge all the hurt whenever I want. And that’s why I go out of my way to do other things. That is why I smoke, almost a pack a day some days. Because I don’t need to be that girl again. Because there are better ways. Because I won’t let He have that power over me. Not anymore.
Not that long ago, I wanted, almost desperately, to keep He in my life. I wanted to keep my best friend. My rock. That idea has begun to change in a slowly rapid fashion. I’m not sure if it’s just because I’m going through the angry stage (or whatever, I’m pretending there are stages to this, I guess), or because as a person, I am disgusted by him. I know that sounds harsh, but I’m not going to pretend that the way I feel is unreasonable. It’s not. I do not in any way agree with what he has done. It is, as I said before, a difficult thing for me in terms of how to cope with it, especially because it is his life. But the way that it affects me – with his knowledge – makes it what in my mind right now is unforgivable. I’m trying. I struggle with “forgiveness” every day. I struggle with the idea that perhaps I don’t need to forgive anyone because no one did anything wrong. The entire fucking thing has my mind (not to mention my stomach) in so many knots that I really don’t know what to think anymore. Regardless. I refuse to believe that the way I feel isn’t reasonable. I’d like to meet someone who wouldn’t feel at least in some small way anything like I do right now if the same thing happened to them.
I don’t know what I deserve. But I really, really want to believe that I deserve better than how I feel right now. I want to believe that some day, someone will love me as much as I do them. More than anything, I want so desperately to believe that I do deserve to be happy.
More than anything.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, WTF?, Why why why?
This goes out to all the people that were there and didn’t do anything. Didn’t say anything.
This goes out to the two of you, who were careless. At this point, you both disgust me.
Most specifically, this goes out to one person. Someone I thought was my friend. Someone who proved me wrong about that.
Fuck. I want to be mean. I keep stopping myself from calling her or texting her or doing something. I hope she knows how wrong she was. How disgusting and deplorable what she did is. I hope she never forgets it. I know I never will. I used to be excited about being friends with her. I wanted to get to know her and hang out with her and be her friend. Obviously, she didn’t want the same. So, to you, I say thank you. Thank you for fucking me over right from the get-go and saving us both the trouble of doing it later. You got me good, too. Really good.
Now to you. I already told you how disappointed I am in you. How flabbergasted and astounded I am that you of all people would do this. I suppose I may be overreacting. We all know how good I am at doing that. But what it comes down to is that I’m now uncertain. I don’t know if I’m going to love you forever or if I’m just going to carry around this twisted knot in my stomach forever. I wanted all the memories I had of you to be good ones. I wanted to look back and say, “yes, those were good times.” But you have taken that from me. The gravity of what you did overwhelms all the goodness and I constantly have to fight the need to vomit. No one. NO ONE has EVER hurt me this badly. And I’ve been hurt a lot. So, thank you as well. Thank you for teaching me that nothing lasts forever, no matter how real you think it is. Thank you for teaching me that no matter how much you love someone and trust them, they will still fuck you over, and probably harder than everyone else. Thank you for showing me that all my fears were justified, even after you had convinced me that they weren’t. Thank you for everything, and thank you for absolutely nothing.
To everyone else, thank you for pretending to be my friends. Thank you for allowing alcohol to cloud your judgement, despite being intelligent and responsible enough to see through. Thank you for always looking out for number one, and no one else. Thank you, mostly, for confirming that the people I care most about don’t give a flying fuck about me.
Probably the shittiest thing about this is that I’m probably the only one that has any real emotion toward it. Some things never change.
I should be angry. I should want to hurt them. I did, initially. But what’s the point. All they’ve done is show me their true colors. And they’re not the colors I thought they were. They’re not ugly, but I don’t like them.
Good luck and best wishes to you all, sincerely.
I’m used to making it on my own.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, My heart hurts, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
I kept telling myself that it would never come to this, but it has.
I feel like I wasted my time.
I feel like I wasted my emotion.
I feel like I was wasted.
I’ve avoided talking to He, gone out of my way not to contact him in any way. I haven’t been on the computer lately, so it’s been hard for me to know what’s going on with him. But damned if I don’t get on the computer and look at all his shit, and then I find myself spiralling somewhere between blind rage and fathomless sadness. It’s a straight shot to my heart and He is twisting the blade. I had a dream the other night that woke me. I was bawling when I woke. This has never happened to me. I had to keep myself from clutching up my phone and sending him a text inquiring about his sex life. It just felt so real. It seemed like something I had just found out as opposed to a dream. And I guess it doesn’t matter anyway because it’s none of my business and I’m not a part of his life anymore.
Perhaps that’s what’s really getting to me right now.
I am so, so glad that he’s happy. But at the same time, it makes me want to hurt him in disgusting and inhumane ways. It still hurts me that he is capable of just carrying on with his life as though he doesn’t care. It still hurts me that people I thought were my friends are supporting him and have stopped talking to me all together. And I guess what hurts me the most is the fact that I have no reason to not feel like he’s already over me. Fiery jealousy courses through me at the mere thought of him with another girl. And I know he hangs out with a lot of girls, all the time. And I get the feeling he’s not the same person he was when I was with him, which makes me feel like I was stifiling him. Really, truthfully, I’m just so fucking hurt that I just want to be mean. And for the sake of myself and the fact that I haven’t been dealing with any of this as opposed to just ignoring it, I’m going to. I’m going to say a lot of really mean, hurtful things that I probably shouldn’t, and I guess at this point I don’t really care.
Doesn’t seem like he does.
Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you for taking four years of my life and leaving me with nothing. Not even the satisfaction of knowing that it bothers you that we’re no longer together. Fuck you for telling me that you liked being with me when you obviously didn’t. Fuck you for making me believe that you were in love with me when I’m not entirely sure you even know what that is. Fuck you so fucking much for taking my fucking heart. Fuck you most, I think, for hurting me when you swore to me that you wouldn’t. Fuck you for always making me feel like everything was my fault. Fuck you for always making me feel like there was something wrong with me and the way I operate. Fuck you for making me insecure because you couldn’t defend me in front of your friends. Fuck you for having really shitty priorities and always always always putting video games before me. Fuck you for neglecting me in all the ways I told you I needed you not to. Fuck you for not being there for me when I was always there for you. Fuck you for taking so fucking much from me and leaving me with this. I hope you rot in hell, you selfish son of a bitch. I hope someone does to you what you’ve done to me. I hope someday you understand this kind of pain and I hope you look back and realize what good there was in me and in being with me. I hope that someday you fall madly in love with someone. I hope you spend years with her. I hope she drops your ass like a sack of shit, abandons you, moves on with her life, and acts as though you never meant shit to her. I hope you feel the way I feel at least once in your life. And I hope it fucking kills you.
Now, I can’t honestly say that I didn’t mean any of that. There are select few points in there that I do sincerely mean. However, they are taken slightly out of context and phrased very poorly. I apologize. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt this much…bitterness…resentment…hatred toward anyone in a very long time. And I can’t help it. I try to talk myself down, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt (I know He is a good guy, it’s just my incapability to deal with the seperation, right?), and then at some point I can’t fucking handle it. I become so painfully lonely and miserable that I can’t handle it anymore and it mutates into some sick, heartless rage. Like at this point I’m not sure if I ever want to be friends with him. He was my best and pretty much only friend for a very long time, and it’s very difficult to adjust to that loss. For me, at least. He meant more to me than anyone ever has outside of family and I feel like I got royally fucked. I’m pretty much just pissed off. And mostly at him. I don’t know if it’s fair (it’s not), and I know it’s not nice. But there it is.
How dare you.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, KILL KILL KILL, My heart hurts, PISSED, WTF?
I always thought I was stronger than this.
Where are my friends? Oh, that’s right. They were He’s friends first. So he gets to run around and be happy and go to parties and Lava and have fun and check out other girls and be totally fine. Fuck you people.
It’s not fair. I don’t care if I’m being whiny and babylike. It’s not fucking fair that I’m alone and he’s having the fucking time of his life.
When it hits you, I hope it hits you hard. I hope you are as miserable as I am now and then some. I hope the pain makes you want to die. Then maybe we can talk about being friends.
I’m so fucking pissed and bitter and I don’t entirely mean the things I’ve said here, but there is some degree of truth in them. At the moment, I think I can safely and honestly say that there hasn’t ever been another time in all the time I’ve known He that I have wanted this badly to hurt him in some way. This shit is just not right. I know that he’s got some retarded delay on his emotions. In the meantime, that makes it that much more difficult for me. And YIPPEE, I just get to suck it up because if I don’t I’m just being mean to him.
FOUR YEARS. FOUR FUCKING YEARS AND I WAS SO FUCKING IN LOVE WITH YOU. I’m so, so glad to know how little that means.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?
I’m really not in a good mood. It seems that is the case more often than not, and that in itself is pissing me off. Guh. I’m feeling all teenage-angsty I guess and it’s not cool. I need to just get over it but I’m so damned bitter.
Hold your breath.
It’s to the point again where I have so much to say, or at least so much to bitch about, and I either don’t have the words or the energy to say (type) it all. That’s pretty fucking ridiculous, but there it is.
I just want a best friend. Everyone around me has this great friendship where they’re totally tight with someone, and I don’t have that. Well, I do, but we’re going to break up very soon, and then we probably aren’t going to be around each other all that much.
Stoked.
I just want to cry a lot or just fucking destroy something/someone.
I’m leaning more toward the latter.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m not doing too well, and as much as I like to put off dealing with or acknowledging that fact, it’s beginning to become prevalent and insistent. I don’t know what I need to do to be happy, and as much as I’m bitching about change lately and how much I don’t want it, I think I do. I constantly feel like something needs to happen. Something needs to change. To be different. I feel like my life is in some sort of rut of mediocrity and I am so beyond tired of it that I don’t know what to do. I am aware that I need to take control of things and make something happen if I want them to change, but at some point I just don’t know how to do it. Or I just don’t have the energy. I’m lost.
Every time I think about He, I want to burst into tears. I want to cry until the hollow ache in my chest goes away, until the feeling of dread dissipates. But it’s not going to. He treats our imminent breakup as though it isn’t something important, as though it doesn’t need to be talked about or thought about. Perhaps in a way he’s right. But I’m right too. I’ve got a lot of emotion invested in him and his behavior upsets me. This is not petty to me. He is frequently doing things that really shouldn’t bother me, but they are, and it’s breaking me down. Specifically his nonchalant attitude toward me and his hanging out with his female friends in date-like situations. He does things with his girl friends that he doesn’t do with me. In fact, we never do anything. We’ve done a few things lately, but the more time passes the more it just feels to me like we’re just good friends who have sex. Honestly, and I try very hard not to feel this way because I want to believe it isn’t the truth, I feel like he’s less interested in me than he is in the fact that he can have sex with me. I know that’s really harsh, but that’s sort of how it feels. Everything is sexual. When we hang out I hear more about my tits or my ass than I do about anything else about me. It’s nice, I suppose, but I’ve spent a very long time needing more than that and he knows it. I guess I’m just insecure and jealous and whatever, and that’s why I get so upset about these little things, but it’s that much worse when it’s things he knows bothers me and he does nothing to avoid them or not do them. I think maybe I’m off-base here, but that’s just how it feels to me. I’m so torn up about the whole retarded situation and I just want it to be different. Or easy. Or good. Something other than what it is at the moment. I guess I just wanted it to be perfect before it was over.
I’m constantly feeling inadequate physically. I am not comfortable, I guess, with how I look, and I’m not entirely sure how to go about doing something about it. As soon as I get back to school, I’ll pack on the weight again, even if I lose some this summer. I don’t think I’m fat. But I have a really hard time when everyone around me is thin and whatever. It’s the ideal that’s killing me.
I hung out with my mom today and kind of realized why I don’t like to. Don’t get me wrong, she’s my mother and I love her. I just don’t need the guilt trips and the snide comments and all the bullshit she dumps on me. I have no room in my life for people who are going to treat me that way. We’ve both made our fair share of mistakes in the past, but I’m not constantly rubbing her face in hers. I wish she’d grow up and get over her shit because I’m tired of hearing it. Harsh, but true. I don’t need it. Period.
I think I’m going to start looking for a different job. I was thinking about it a lot today and the gas station is sucking the fucking life out of me. I don’t get paid enough for that.
I guess that’s it for now. I just want to curl up into a little ball and disappear. I just want to feel like everything is going to be okay. Or at least have a few hours of not thinking about any of it. I just need a damn break.
You’re too young to be this empty, girl.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, PISSED, Rant, WTF?
I’ve pretty much maxed out on how much I can handle.
I’m ready to fucking kill something, or someone. Whichever gets in my way first. I can’t wait to get the fuck out of school, away from these people.
It’s rage because I don’t want to deal with pain anymore. I’m just really sick of being fucked over. I’m sick of the fact that I’ve spent three years trying to develop meaningful friendships, and I have none. Okay, I’ve got one or two people outside of He, but those aren’t the people I’m talking about. I’m talking about the people I knew before I even fucking came up here for school, who now treat me like a fucking piece of shit. I’m done. It’s senior year all over again, and I don’t want to do it. But I guess I don’t have a fucking choice because people are SHITBAGS.
I can’t even really think coherently right now because I’m fucking livid. I literally want to hit something so hard that I break bones in my hand. I don’t care. I don’t fucking care anymore.
I’m over it. I’m so. Fucking. Over. This bullshit.
Filed under: Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’ve had a fucking awesome day. Want to hear about it? Good. I woke up with a fucking horrendous cough, which means I’m getting sick, out of the fucking blue. Great. I go to the mall with Housewife, hanging out pre-going to get my taxes done, and I buy a green tea from Starbucks. I then go to Pretzelmaker and get some Pretzel Bites, and as the guy is handing me the cheese sauce, I dump my pretzels everywhere. He gives me some more, I sit down and start to eat them, and take a drink of my tea, and proceed to burn the ever-living FUCK out of my mouth. Then, Housewife and I go to get my taxes done, and as it turns out, I OWE the IRS, thanks to my dad claiming me and the University giving me scholarships. WHY IN THE FUCK are scholarships taxable? That makes no goddamned sense to me. On top of that, it was somewhere around 90 dollars for the lady to do my taxes. Fortunately for me, she was a fucking amazing person, and didn’t charge me, and didn’t file my taxes. She suggested that because I’ve done it before, I could risk not reporting my scholarships, in which case I will just get my full refund. So. We’ll see about that.
I know it really wasn’t that bad, but today just feels like a huge clusterfuck of shitty. On top of everything, it’s STILL snowing, which does absolutely nothing to improve my mood. All I have, I guess, is that everything is just a goddamn joke, and tomorrow it will all be okay. I’m hoping that life’s just pulling one hell of an April Fool’s Day prank on me.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, PISSED, Ramble, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?
Sometimes I find myself feeling violently irate. As in I just want to scream at someone at the top of my lungs. I want to obliterate someone with words, just so I can feel better, or less angry. I’m just so fucking pissed off, and I cannot for the life of me discern why. I’ve been thinking about it, and I really can’t put my finger on it. Maybe it’s just a compilation of a whole mess of things that have been bothering me, and they’ve finally built up to the point that I want to rage. I’m going to say that’s probably it, just because I can’t think of anything else. Maybe I should just rant. Maybe I will.
If it’s not one physical ailment or issue, it’s another. First, I was sick. Nasty, don’t want to get out of bed but I HAVE to go to class and oh god, now I want to die sick. When I got over that, I got a fucking sty. A STY. What a goddamn pain in the ass. It was unpleasant, and I had to put this goopy, greasy medication in it that made it difficult to see. Then, finally, that goes away, and what do you know? Hello, yeast infection! I’m so glad you decided to have a little party in my vagina without my consent. Not only is this uncomfortable and disgusting, but it disables my sexual pursuits, which in its own right is enough to piss me off. So, thank you, body, for being a fucking dicksack, and constantly bombarding me with ridiculous and irritating symptoms rather than just taking a day off and letting me be healthy.
Fucking money is the most bullshit thing on the planet. Even more bullshit than money is the tendency of institutions to charge absolutely absurd amounts of it for most commodities. Someone, please, tell me why the FUCK I am paying for an education. Explain to me, please, why I am paying thousands of dollars for less than adequate food and housing, and why I am forced to pay for health insurance via the university that covers NOTHING. The whole system is fucked, sincerely, and I would love for someone to demonstrate otherwise. Really. Please, please enlighten me. If you can refute the fact that the vast majority of the money I dump into this institution goes to athletics, you will have my interest, at least. But you CAN’T. FUCK. I’m just really, really tired of throwing away money. Yeah, yeah, I know. Welcome to being an adult, and all that bullshit. And that’s exactly what: BULLSHIT.
WHAT THE FUCK AM I DOING in this relationship? Don’t get me wrong, I love He. I really, really do. I find him incredibly attractive. He is intelligent, humorous, and I sincerely enjoy spending time with him. I have a very difficult time with the idea that I’m wasting my time with him, because as much as I don’t think I am, or don’t feel that I am, a part of me keeps insisting that, in all reality, that’s exactly what I’m doing. It’s basically a long and (mostly) enjoyable road that leads indefinitely to nowhere. So why the goddamn fuck am I so floored? There are so many aspects of the relationship that are so fucked, also, and I just keep smiling because I like being around him. What the fuck is wrong with me? And talking to him about this is virtually impossible, because I’m just an over-emotional psychotic bitch that doesn’t listen to reason and can’t validate any of my points. Yeah, I think that’s just about how it goes. I try to argue my point (because it does always end up being an argument), and I’m wrong. Why? Because he said so. Unless I’m being cute, and then he’s just a whole lot nicer while still inferring that I’m wrong or by ignoring the point completely. Everything I feel is like a fire to He, I think. Most of the time he just dances around it, but sometimes he throws in a log or two. I don’t think it’s ever occurred to him that maybe he would get burned less if he attempted to help in putting it out. FUCK.
That’s all I got. All I want to do is bitch. A lot. I feel like I suck it up all the time because people want me to be nice, and cool, and collected. Relaxed and whatnot. I would be if I could just be myself without being told that I’m fucking crazy and needy. That’s basically all I hear, from just about everyone I know, and more specifically the people I care very much about (with a few exclusions). Fuck that. Fuck this. At some point I need to just get a fucking grip and be secure enough in myself to not give a shit what people think. But at this point, I do, and I’m fucking tired of them disliking me or things about me simple because they’re things that aren’t fucking sunshine and rainbows all the time.
I’m so over this.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Oh NOES, PISSED, Rant, SEXXX, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Why why why?
Today was a pretty fucking rough day. College is raping me. I don’t mean that in the sense that it’s hard. I don’t mean that in the sense that it costs a lot. I mean that in the sense that I came to college with a passion, with drive, and college is forcefully taking that away from me without my consent.
I just feel fed up. Pretty much with everything. I’m becoming more and more irritated at Spooner because he’s right. I’m fucking crazy and needy. Emphasis on the crazy. Or maybe on the needy. Either way, I’m not 100% self-sustaining, and lately, making everything seem okay isn’t as easy as I’m used to it being. That’s what I get for letting down the walls. I’m fucking loney, as hokey as that sounds, and it’s difficult. Inexplicable, and difficult.
I want my sister to come and see me just as badly as she says she needs to. I need a breath of fresh air.
I’m frustrated with my relationship. It’s good, for the most part, at least a lot better than it was for quite a while, and it has maintained that goodness. I’m frustrated sexually, and not in a good way. Blugh, I don’t even want to deal with it. There’s nothing I can really do about it, and that makes it even more frustrating.
Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I don’t even know.
Filed under: Fuck, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, Inspired, Oh NOES, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
Work in progress.
Tear my heart out through my chest
through my breast. Exhume me.
That’s all I’ve got for now. It came to me. I’m going to sleep for days now.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I feel useless. Pointless. Frustrated.
Not only do I not even have a real home anymore, but it feels as though I have become less to my family. My brother got married, and I am incredibly happy for him, but the talking/sharing he once did with me has all but disappeared. The same with my dad. I can’t help but to feel as though my sister-in-law has replaced me not only in my brother’s life (as a confidant) but also in my father’s. Though I try my hardest not to feel this way, it becomes increasingly difficult when I find that he does talk to her about things and refuses to talk to me about the same things. I can admit that I am feeling a little sorry for myself, but truthfully, I feel as though I’m being slowly nudged out of the picture in regards to my own family, and that idea is devastating to me. My family – my father and my brother – are all I’ve ever had. They’ve been my best friends. And anymore, it just feels like I’m becoming less and less important in their lives. I just don’t really know how to handle that. I suppose that a lot of my feeling this way has to do with my inability or difficulty with letting go of my “mother” duties; after my parents divorced, I was the woman in the house. I’ve always taken care of my dad and my brother, and I’ve always been there for them. I used to feel so privileged that my brother would open up to me and talk to me about how he felt. He doesn’t do that anymore, and the wall that’s building between us in that respect is not something it is easy for me to accept. The same with my dad, especially because I am daddy’s little girl, and feeling as though I’m being replaced – especially in that position – kills me.
Basically, I don’t feel like anything in my life is working FOR me at this point so much as things seem to be working AGAINST me. I know that a lot of it is my own fault, or at least that there are things I can do to better if not rectify certain situations, but I’m so emotionally exhausted with how shitty things have been that it’s so much easier to just go belly up to it all. I’m tired. I’ve always been tired. And so what, so I complain a lot. I’m a bitch a lot. Fuck you. I know a lot of people have it much worse than I do, but I can only take so much before I begin to question it all and get bitter at the fact that things are constantly shitty.
Truth be told, I feel incredibly alone. I have for quite some time, and the more time that passes, the stronger the feeling gets. I simply have a very difficult time feeling that way, and it makes me act the way I act because I loathe being vulnerable. I’m tired of being alone.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I hate my body, I think too much, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
I am ready to go home.
I am not looking forward to Christmas, but I am looking forward to four weeks of NOTHING. I don’t have to worry about homework and whatnot like I did over Thanksgiving.
My birthday came and went. As I expected, it was rather uneventful. I went to dinner and went to the bars, and experienced my first real blackout. I was then hung over for at least a day and a half. Woo. And I still haven’t gotten a new ID yet because I am broke as fuck and the 20 dollars it would cost for a new ID is all the money I have. Sweet, I know.
Finals are kicking my ass. I only have two actual finals (like, exams), but I have final projects as well, and those are weighing on me. Everything is incredibly time consuming, and I don’t have time for everything. I just want to go home.
I haven’t been taking care of myself at all lately. I feel like crap basically all the time, both physically and emotionally. I’m not entirely sure how to rectify that, but I suppose that is part of the reason that I am so eager to go home. I need a fucking break. A real one.
Also, I fucking LOATHE being a girl. Menstruation is such bullshit.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, KILL KILL KILL, Oh NOES, PISSED, WTF?, Well shit
Fuck you. Fuck you, FUCK YOU.
I hate it when you act like a conniving, deceptive bitch. HATE IT.
Ugh. I’m so goddamned disgusted.
On a lighter note, my birthday is tomorrow. I’m not entirely sure I’m all that excited. I’m going to hit the bar tonight and have a celebratory drink or two. At the moment, I’m more excited about the things going on with my brother than I am about anything in my own life. So it goes.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, Rant, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?
I’m tired of feeling like how I feel is stupid just because someone else doesn’t agree with it.
I don’t invalidate your feelings. Don’t do it to me.
Don’t get impatient and rude just because you don’t like how I feel or what I’m saying. That’s hurtful.
Where’d that guy I met over the summer go? I liked him. He made me feel immaculate. He was never mean. He was never cold. He never made me second-guess myself. He had nothing but love for me.
And don’t get pissed off when I’m sad because you lied. Little white lies.
I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.
Maybe I’m crazy. I don’t think I am.
I think I don’t have anywhere to dispose of all my emotions. So when any come out, they’re met with hostility or unfriendliness because they’re random.
I feel stifled.
Anyone would drown in this.
I’m still holding my breath.
Why is it that when I actually blog, statistically, less people read than when I don’t?
Phrased better, why the fuck do people visit my blog when I don’t post, and never when I do?
I don’t get it, and it shouldn’t matter.
[[[but it does]]]
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, I think too much, I'm crazy, KILL KILL KILL, Meh, Oh NOES, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT.
And in the words of Forrest Gump, “That’s all I hafta say about that.”
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I'm crazy, Oh NOES, Ramble, WTF?, Well shit
Last night, while attending a ridiculously overpopulated party, I was high-tailing it to my beruit table, as our opponents had been waiting for us for quite some time, and in my hurry, tripped over a rather large, rather invisible rock. Quite gracefully, I must say, I ate some hardcore shit. Take notice:
Yea. Did NOT feel good. And still doesn’t. I also have an awesome bruise/scrape on my right knee as well as on my left ankle. No joke, it was an epic fall. I had at least four people tell me how awesome it was. The only really shitty part about it was that my beer went flying over my head, and hence got all over me. That was not enjoyable. And we then proceeded to suck at our game. I took the picture about 30 seconds after the fall/recovery, when I went to the bathoom to wipe the beer and dirt off of myself. It looks much worse today, considering it’s bruising quite a bit and I’m missing a substantial amount of skin. Plus, it’s just in a constant state of irritability considering its location, which is obnoxious. Oh well. I just wanted to share. Partially because of how awesome my facial expression in the picture is. I was not/am not pleased.
I’m already growing weary of classes. I don’t mind going to them so much as I am entirely apathetic toward homework. I’m tired of bullshit writing assignments that don’t teach me anything and only serve to piss me off because of how mundane they are. I love being in Moscow, but I hate actually having to buckle down and do school.
We just watched The Onion Movie or whatever it’s called, and I think it was decent. There were some particularly hysterical parts, but it wasn’t everything I guess I expected it to be. However, I wasn’t deeply offended by it, which I was anticipating, so that was nice. COCKPUNCHER.
Also, PDT’s cook got a puppy, and he is fucking adorable. His name is Sarge, and is a Teacup Pug/Teacup Boston Terrier mix.
I went outside the other morning to play with him and as soon as I sat down, he scampered across the lawn and jumped into my lap, and it was so goddamned cute…ugh. I can’t even explain. Fucking little dogs. Cute little dogs. Like I told He, I don’t understand why people have babies. They should just get little dogs.
Seriously. Little dogs that stay little forever are the best. It’s like they’re puppies forever, and that’s just awesome. Don’t get me wrong, big dogs are cool too, but PUPPIES, man. Think about it.
My boyfriend is adorable with a tendency to be obnoxious. But mostly adorable.
I miss everyone from home, and I hate that I miss everything. I hate that I can’t be there for them when they need help with things, and that I can’t experience the things that go on when they all get together and hang out. I loath not being able to be there, period. Ugh.
I’m going to go to bed soon. Good GAWD.
Filed under: Fuck, Honestly, I always screw myself, Oh NOES, WTF?, Why why why?
Why do I do stupid things?
Why do I hurt the people I care about most?
Why am I so fucked up?
“I’m also torn between telling Agent Sculley certain details about that group of people, or not to and to just let her believe that they are really her friends.”
I’m sure I might be misconstruing some things, but at the moment, I’m just going to get it out, because I have a sick sinking feeling in my stomach.
I’ve always known something was up. And yet I cling to the stubborn belief that people aren’t assholes, and that deep down somewhere, there’s more to people than superficiality and apathy. I guess, and this is pathetic, that at some point, I deal with the abuse (that I never get directly but am always peripherally aware of) because I really just want some real friends. Because I’m tired of having only one or two people oustide of my immediate family that I feel like I can relate to and get along with. I’M NOT A BAD PERSON. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH ME. And if anyone ever has a fucking problem with me, they need to have the fucking spine to say it to my face instead of pretending to be my friend and then talking shit or whatever when I’m not around. However, if they do talk it to my face, they also need to be willing to have a mature fucking conversation about it, because I will not tolerate people having preconceived and usually false notions/ideas about me. An opinion is one thing; that cannot be refuted. But people who have a problem with me because they’re too fucking lazy and shallow to actually get to know me deserve to be slapped. Anyone who is like that with anyone deserves some sort of reprimand. FUCK.
Le sigh.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Rant, SEXXX, WTF?, Well shit
I loathe being irritated about things that, in all reality, don’t bother me. I’m more irritated at the fact that he’s saying shit than I am about the shit he’s saying, if that makes sense. When I was told about it, I just thought about it for a minute, and, truth be told, it’s true. I am just a girl he messed around with and didn’t want anything else with. And I was fully aware of that. I had no problem with that. But it’s childish and immature to talk about it the way I have heard he has been talking about it, and that’s what gets to me. Sooner or later I’m going to get over it, but for right now, it’s crawling around under my skin, and it makes me fucking irate. Ugh.
Oh well.
Money makes me want to rip out all of my hair. Or cry for the rest of my life. Someone buy me a car. Please.
Filed under: Friendship?, Honestly, I might be angry but I'm pretending not to be, I think too much, Meh, Oh NOES, Ramble, Rant, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit
All I want to do sometimes is curl into a little ball and cry. Not necessarily because I am sad, but because I am tired. I am fed the fuck up with my job, with money, with my car, with all the fucked up situations with “friends” and “lovers” and “one night stands.” I can’t wait to be finished working for the summer, and to get my financial aid figured out. All I really want to do is get in my car and drive; get lost in the passing of the outside world and just let myself think. But alas, I cannot, because my car is still broken. It’s been almost a month since I have driven a vehicle to my satisfaction. I’m tired of feeling like I have no way to vent. And every single day that I walk into work, I wait for something to go wrong. I put off going into the cooler for as long as possible because I know that the fucking retards I work with are so conveniently incompetent as to have fucked it up the night before. And yet I bust my ass each and every day I’m there for too little pay and massive underappreciation. And then am filled with resentment. I need to chill out or be lazy. Either way, I have the feeling I will still be greatly dissatisfied.
I have to say, I breathed a sigh of relief and surprise when Spooner texted me back tonight. For some reason, I felt as though he was going out of his way to avoid me, which for a while was understandable, but then was simply painful considering he is my friend and I care about him. Regardless, I’m over it, and I’m just glad that he’s talking to me, at least. That’s all I really wanted.
He and I are fighting quite frequently lately, and it’s bothersome. At times I question whether or not reconciliation was a great idea; at times I feel like we’re friends trying to be lovers. There are so many things that I feel concerning He and myself, and not all of them are positive. He is constantly telling me that he wants me to open up to him, and it’s frustrating. It’s not that I’m completely guarded, but I am aware that I am cautious. I keep certain aspects of myself to myself, and I don’t particularly feel like sharing those aspects with anyone. The only person I ever really talk to about those things is Poser, and it’s not because I don’t trust He, it’s just because I don’t feel like some things need to be talked about with/to him until I have them completely worked out in my head. I get the impression that I cause He a lot of pain, and in general, adapting to the new version of our relationship is incredibly difficult. To be blunt and perfectly honest, there are times when I do wish that I were still single. Sometimes I wonder if getting back together with him was the right thing to do. It’s nothing personal against him, it’s just that sometimes something inside me snaps and I feel like maybe I’m not 100% where I should be. Especially considering how I need to be with/to him in order for him to feel okay about things and be happy. Frankly, I feel a lot of pressure, and it’s difficult and frustrating. I deal with a lot of doubts and “what if” thoughts. I almost guarantee he will read this and think that I want to break up with him or that I have issues with him. I wish it were simpler to explain so that he could understand. I’m just not 100% sure where I stand right now. I’m really not. And honestly, that’s my bad, because I probably should be in order to contribute positively to this relationship.
I’m looking forward to the cabin this weekend. I hope it will just be a fun, worry-free weekend. I just want to hang out with my friends and have some stress-free time to figure out everything that’s been wreaking havok in my brain lately. Plus, I really really want to a.) go swimming and b.) drink a lot in the woods [campfire is optional].
This is not the blog I wanted it to be, but I really want to go to bed. Sleep has been evasive lately. I’m going to fervently pursue, then hold that bitch down and fuck her ’til she bleeds.
