Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Inspired, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Yays!
This odd mixture of emotions is getting the better of me, and sometimes it feels as though the only way to go on living with even the most minute type of normalcy is to completely ostracize myself. It’s like the only way I can do okay or be okay is to limit my interaction with the rest of the social world. Which is odd in itself, as I’m craving company. I’m stuck in a horrific conundrum, and I don’t want to play anymore.
I have so much to do, and I don’t feel like I have the time to do it. I have obligations and constraints, and there simply is not enough time in the day without my running myself completely ragged. Break cannot come soon enough. And even then, I have to try to get a lot of work done during the break as well. Huzzah.
Things have started to happen, also, that bother me. I’m not upset, I’m not mad, I’m just…irritated. I feel like I’m struggling to empty my already overflowing plate, and shit just keeps being shovelled onto it. Please, please, leave me alone! I’m not sure how much more I can handle. I feel like I’ve been doing okay lately, you know, being responsible and whatnot, and getting things taken care of, but that’s academically. Once academics and my life start raping me up the ass, I start to get a little flustered. And a little flustered can easily turn into a lot flustered.
I just want to go home. I want to be done with some of the shit I am in the middle of (fortunately, some of it will be out of the way before the week is up) and get on with it. I want to get on with it.
I found me again. It’s odd, because due to the situation, I’m not all that happy. But I am happy. I’m that girl who I used to be, but better. I’m bright. I laugh. I radiate. And it’s so much better than how I used to be. And my first thought when I realized this was that it’s too bad that He isn’t around to experience it, and isn’t interested anyway.
Because I’m the type of girl he’d fall in love with. All over again.
Mostly, I’m just checked out on the shit that doesn’t matter. The small stuff doesn’t even roll off, because I don’t let it touch me. I don’t have the time, energy or patience to freak the fuck out about things that are inconsequential or out of my control.
I’m better now. I wish the people I want and need to see that actually would.
Filed under: Honestly, I think too much, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, Well shit, Yays!
I’m suspended in some sort of etherial cloud.
I am cognizant of my emotions, but some of them are not within my control. For example, the guilt and disgust I feel about the things I have done plague me, but I choose to ignore them. The feelings I still struggle with toward He, however, are not so controllable. I can prevent feelings that arise from the initial feelings, but the root of them are permanent. It’s frustrating, because I’m trying to just be positive and move on. Even though I still don’t want to.
It’s only been five days, and already I’m starting to feel better. My resolve is unshaken. I’m eagerly anticipating becoming the person I want to be rather than the person I was becoming. There are certain things I want that would make the process easier, but I suppose learning to deal without them is helpful in its own way as well. I miss He terribly. It happens mostly at night, and its frustrating. But I swallow it, because what else is there to do? I need to leave him alone and let him live his life. He doesn’t need me.
For now, I suppose, that is all.
I braved the bar solo last night. And several magical things happened. And I mean magical.
Firstly, Guapo insisted I sit at the bar so that I could “make friends” or be social or something, and that ended up pretty well. I did both.
Then, when it came time to go home (actually, once it was way past time to go home), Guapo wouldn’t take no for an answer, and walked me home, even though it was completely out of his way. And then he proceeded to be a complete gentleman. Many things could have happened last night, but they didn’t, because he’s pretty fucking amazing.
I’m being vague on details, and I’m sorry. But it’s been a while since I’ve run into a guy that can control himself as well as Guapo did. I think that’s pretty magical.
I’ve got more, but I have shit to do today, and I’ve already thrown too much of it away.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
Today may have been a breakthrough. Or tonight, rather.
I didn’t show my breasts to anyone. I didn’t have sex with anyone. I kissed a friend, but that is all. That is the extent of it. And I explained to him why I didn’t necessarily want to just be friends with benefits.
I’m progressing.
I feel good. That is all I want to say at the moment, because I need to go to bed. Now.
P.S. Nipping out really hard (as in it being REALLY fucking cold outside) is painful and slightly arousing.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Happy?, Honestly, Inspired, My heart hurts, Well shit, Yays!
Today was a good day.
Aside from feeling like shit about what I’ve been doing.
Which I’m not doing anymore. Day one: success.
I even got quite a bit accomplished in terms of homework. So, I’m pretty content with that.
There was a little rough spot, but it was just a twinge of sadness in response to the email from He’s mom. It’s nice to talk to her. She’s a little crazy, but I love her, and I miss her a lot. I miss all of it a lot. So, that was a hill to get over, but I did.
I’m looking into counceling. Thinking maybe I’ll find some time to make myself better. I’m not going to get over He, and I’m not sure that’s the goal I need to set. I think I need to concentrate on fucking taking care of myself before I set any epic goals. I’m getting this shit figured out. Day one, but I’m making progress. Baby steps.
The first step to getting over a problem is admitting you have one. Uh, epic check.
Except the sun isn’t coming out tomorrow – it came out today.
Despite being incredibly tired, having a fuckton of things to do (including take a shower), and being generally stressed out, I feel amazing today. Somehow, even thinking about all the shit that usually drags me under, I am in a good mood. I feel…buoyant. I dare say this is one of the best days I have had in quite some time. I do, however, on the semi-depressing side, wish I had someone to share it with. I really enjoy being infectous, and it is difficult for me to not have someone that I am close with to share a good mood with. That in and of itself puts me in an even better mood. I just want to be able to walk somewhere, holding someone’s hand, talking and laughing. Feeling fun and fancy-fucking-free.
Today, my friends, is a good fucking day.
It’s like flipping a light switch.
When it flips down, it’s dark as hell.
I think I’ve made that pretty clear.
Shit, just read some of this shit.
But, oh, when it flips up, put your fucking shades on.
Right now, in this moment, despite a lot of things, I feel ecstatic.
Like the sun is shining just because I’m in a good mood.
I’m just going to revel in this.
I’m fucking invincible.
(not to mention, getting pretty hot). ;P
I just realized something today.
I’m going to be okay. I am okay.
Things change. People change. Situations change. And I’m going to make it work for me.
It’s hard, and I’m sure I will have regressions (is that a word?), but I’m honestly done.
I’m going to move on with my life, and I’m going to make it fantastic.
I’m a fucking senior, and I am going to make this year kick ASS.
Like, melt your face off.
I care about He. I always will.
But I’m not going to let it eat at me anymore.
He did what he did, he does what he does, and all I can hope for is that he is happy.
It’s not my business and not my problem, and I shouldn’t let it affect me.
SOoooooo…
here’s to making life all it can be.
I’m sticking to it this time, I swear.
I hope.
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Yays!
It’s odd, because just when I think the entire world is closing in on me, things start to look up.
The things I was stressing myself out about – one in specific – have essentially melted away. I’m not freaking out every three seconds anymore. I’m doing better at not allowing my mind to run away with me. Yeah, it’s different up here without He. Yeah, it makes me miss him and it makes me sad. But I’m a fucking trooper, and if I could get through all the drama and bullshit that happened this summer, I think I can handle not being around him. In a strange way I’m kind of glad he’s 600 miles away. It forces me to handle college on my own rather than using He as a crutch, which is essentially what I did for the last 3 years. Now I actually have to make friends and develop a social network for myself. It’s exciting and terrifying, and though most of me feels like it’s going to take too much effort, I’m kind of looking forward to it. Shit, I made a ton of new friends before I left to come up here, so why can’t I do it here? We’ll see how it goes.
I just spent 200 dollars on books. It’s not really a bad deal considering that I bought 12, but at the same time it pisses me off because I know I’ll get maybe 20 bucks when/if I try to sell them back. It’s fucking horseshit, and I don’t know why it still bothers me when I should be used to it. I’m brilliant for choosing English as a major. On a similar vein, I’m a little worried about a couple of my classes. I’m glad that I only have class on Tuesday and Thursday, because I’m going to need a lot of time for at least two of my classes. Senior Sem and Fiction are going to kick my ass in terms of writing, and Modern Fiction is going to kick my ass in terms of reading. 7 of the books I bought today were for that class alone. GUH. It’s a good thing I am fucking badass. : )
So I guess I’m in a decent mood. There’s a little bit of drama going on at home in terms of my family, but I guess that’s working out as well…it tends to get a bit rough when I can’t be there to help my dad out with things. But hopefully everything is going well. I’m really glad that my dad is so happy with his fiance and her daughters and whatnot. It’s a nice little family unit we’ve put together.
OH! And I’m going to go start working out, and I am super stoked for that, because I’ve already lost a lot of weight, and now I’m just going to look fucking SEXY and toned and whatnot. That’s right, you wait for it, when I come home again, I’m going to look like teh s3×0rz and it will be AWESOME (I probably just did that wrong, but I don’t really care). I’m so ready to be stupid attractive again. High school body, here I come!
I guess that’s it for now. I’m trying to be as optimistic as possible, if not only because things are looking up and I want to keep it that way.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, My heart hurts, Oh NOES, Ramble, Stop putting it in my butt, WTF?, Well shit, Why why why?, Yays!
The last couple of days have been…rough…I suppose I would say. I’ve been having miniature internal meltdowns almost every night, and sometimes they spill out and I have to talk to someone. Most recently it’s been my parents, and I told He, and all three of them have told me that I need to just calm down. I’m sure they are right, but it’s still sort of difficult because some of the things I am stressing about are terrifying. It takes a lot of energy for me to just shove it to the back of my mind so that I can function like a normal human being.
I’m back in the ’scow, and initially, I was really happy about it. I realized that I really do like it up here. And then, while sitting in my dorm room, being bored out of my mind (my roommate is like, an exchange student or something from Ecuador, and isn’t in our room all that much because she has to go to meetings and stuff…or something), I had a mini-panic attack. I guess. Sort of. The brain took me on a magical journey to Misery Swamp, and all I could think about was He, and how hard it’s going to be up here without him, and blah blah blah blah blah. And then I just got sad because we are broken up, which is stupid, and so I just sat here and cried like a little baby for a while and then took a deep breath and knocked it the fuck off. It is going to be a huge change without He up here, not only because we’re not together anymore, but because he was the doorway to friendships and social gatherings for me. I’m pretty sure that none of the guys in his house actually have a whole lot of interest in being my friend or hanging out with me, and the only reason that they ever did was because I was He’s girlfriend. It’s kind of depressing, but I guess it’s just an opportunity for me to make more friends or something by myself. I guess I just need to adjust a little bit better rather than feeling sorry for myself, which it seems like is what I am doing.
On the upside, I figured out how to get connected to the internet all by myself. I’m pretty proud of that, because last year I had to have He do it because I had all sorts of problems with it. I got it done in like, an hour (technically it was like, five minutes, but I’m counting the time that I spent in the computer lab AFTER I registered the connection). I know it’s silly, but it’s a small triumph for me personally. I guess you’d have to be me to understand. It’s liberating? Because I didn’t need He to do it for me. It seems cruel or harsh or mean, maybe, but I guess I like that I am capable of doing things that I needed He for before. It makes me feel like I’m getting my independence back, and that’s a good thing. I hope. I just need to cling to that, because truthfully, for the last…oh…4-5 hours I’ve been missing He terribly.
I’m hoping that this year is fantastic. I’m going to do everything I can to make sure that it is, but who knows what hand life plans on dealing me?
Filed under: Friendship?, Happy?, Honestly, I think too much, I'm crazy, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
I don’t even know where to begin. I am conflicted because I am acting very out of character. I am making the choice to do so each time I do, and then I start to feel…guilty? about it. At the same time, I am 21 years old, I am single, and I can do whatever the fuck I want. I still have integrity, so I don’t know what my problem is. At this point, I’ve just decided on “fuck it” because I don’t need to waste my time worrying about whether or not I come off as a giant whore. Shit happens, and life goes on. I’m enjoying myself.
I think this is going to be my last week of work. I’m pretty stoked about it considering that last week I serverely fucked up my back. Thanks to Smokes, though, it feels a whole hell of a lot better. It was an incredibly painful process, but he worked some serious magic. Yays! The shit was literally starting to destroy me. It hurt to breathe, for fucks sake. But I think I’m on the road to recovery, so that’s good.
I am content. Life has been a whirlwind for the past few weeks, and it’s hard to keep up with it all, but it’s been a hell of a ride, and I feel good. I feel like me again. And that’s really, really nice. At the same time, I do need to get my shit organized, because I may be headed toward a very dangerous slope that I don’t want to fall down. I’m not sure if it’s a lack of self-control or just being so caught up in the brilliance of it all, but I’ve gone crazy. Haha.
I’m in love with life right now.
Filed under: Friendship?, Fuck, Honestly, Meh, Ramble, SEXXX, Well shit, Yays!
I can’t even comprehend how people that I thought knew me can find themselves under the impression that I would be doing or saying things to be intentionally hurtful. I have absolutely no reason or desire to be catty or cruel, and I am quickly tiring of being questioned about it. And I think that by being bothered by the situation, I am making it worse. So fuck it.
I AM OVER IT! There is no drama, there are no cruel intentions, I’m through with hard feelings, and I don’t need to deal with minor miscommunications. I care about He, but I don’t want a whole lot to do with him right now. He is important to me, yes. But the relationship has vastly changed and I’m not going to drop everything to accomodate him like I used to. I know it sounds harsh, but that’s just how I feel. It’s taken me a while to get to the point I am at and I can honestly say that I feel pretty fucking happy the majority of the time. He and I broke up. We are broken up. It’s not my problem anymore. None of it. We both have our shit and I’m working on mine. Perhaps I don’t always handle it well because my opinions get in the way, but I do know that to some degree I am correct in the things I feel and believe, and I’m not going to let anyone tell me otherwise. I just want to get on with my life. I’ve fenced up the drama llamas and I don’t need anyone letting them out so they can start shitting all over my life again. I’m not saying that He is doing that, but in general, I am saying that I am DONE with semi-silly situations and conversations that do little more than irritate me. I know that I’m probably coming off really cold, but that’s just how it is. I let shit roll off these days, and I don’t want to buy in to minute issues that don’t even need to come up. I…I just can’t say it enough. I’m over it. Really, I am. I’m done.
I am glad that He is going on with his life. True, I do not agree with how he is going about it, but that doesn’t matter. So I’m letting him do his thing, and I’m doing mine. I’m not obligated to make him happy anymore (if, in fact, I ever did), and if what he is doing makes him happy, more power to him. I stand by my feeling that he does deserve to be happy. As do I. And we need to just do our own things and leave each other alone. I know he wants to be friends or stay in my life or however you choose to put it, and that’s fine. I have no problem with that. But it’s not going to be on his terms. It’s a compromise, and when I am ready, when time has done what it does, then we’ll see what happens.
Also, and I was just thinking about this today, if anyone is having trouble losing weight, just date someone for four years, go through some somewhat traumatic shit promptly following the breakup, and the pounds will just fall off. It’s ridiculous. Helpful, though. Apparently being single and losing some weight gets you substantially more attention from the opposite sex than you had previously. I’ll just go ahead and high-five myself on that one. It’s really nice to feel comfortable with how I look AND be aware that other people approve as well.
So, that’s it for now. I’m not a mean person. I took a whole lot from my relationship with He, and I’m a better person for it. I handle situations a million times better than I did in the past. I’m level-headed and calm and I am not sure I can recall the last time I got angry. I’m just saying – I’m not about to start saying things just to warrant a reaction or to be intentionally hurtful. We’re all adults, here.
Each day gets better and better. I’m so glad I’m not miserable anymore. The evolution, I believe, is nearly complete. Finding myself has never been so much fun. And just when I least expect it, it’s going to happen. I’ll be on my feet again. I can’t wait.
I don’t even have words for how I feel. It’s your loss, buddy, and I’m sorry for you. Deeply, deeply sorry. Such is life, though, I suppose.
I can’t wait to get back to Moscow. It may be odd at first, and I am semi-fearing a breakdown, but I’m fairly certain that I don’t need He to survive up there. I’ve got me now, and that might be even better.
Fuck. Yes.
So, I went to councelling again the other day. We had a brief chat before she told me it didn’t sound like we needed to make another appointment. I couldn’t stop smiling that day, and I find that I am okay most of the time. My evolution is happening at an alarming and wonderful rate. It’s about time.
It’s just gotten to the point where I’m so exhausted by being sad. What do I have to be sad about? I spent four wonderful years in a relationship that had its ups and downs, and now I’m single and I get to figure out who I am and what I want. I get to move on to something better. What He does with his life is no longer my business. Yes, I care very much about him. I am disturbed and turned off by what he is doing. But it’s not my problem. It’s his. I’m over all the hard feelings and the sadness and the anger. I won’t say that I am not affected by the situation he created, but I’m tired of focusing all of my energy on it rather than moving on with my own life. So I’m done. I’ve stood up, dusted myself off, and I’m moving forward with my head held high.
My skin no longer feels like a costume or a cage.
My metaphor was that I was swimming in a pool of misery and I want to evolve. I want to move through the stages and become a creature that can stand solid on two feet. When I first spit this metaphor out, I was saying that I was like, a tadpole or something. I was still in the pool, but I was working on getting out. I think I’m to the point where I’ve got some sort of rudimentary limbs, because I have been spending more time on the shore than in the pool. I go back to it from time to time, but I don’t need it to survive. I’m evolving, and it’s fantastic. Breathing is fucking nice.
This summer has kind of done a complete 180. I thought I was going to be horribly depressed forever, and yet the past couple of weeks have me so giddy that I’m not sure why I was so down in the first place. I’ve met a lot of people, I’ve developed incredible friendships, and for the first time in a long time, I’m pretty damned comfortable with myself. Sure, I’m still insecure, and I catch myself feeling like a disgusting blob, but a lot of things have happened lately that essentially force me to believe (at least on some level) that I’m attractive. It’s lovely. Refreshing. It’s been a very, VERY long time since I have felt attractive. Since I’ve been at ease in my own skin. Shit, man, I’ve been wearing skirts! It’s like some sort of breakthrough. Ha. Truthfully, it’s just really nice to be where I’m at right now. As a person, I think I’ve improved. I’m more fun to be around – even to myself. I just go with the flow and let shit roll off and GODDAMN it’s nice. I’m finding the girl I used to be, and remembering how great she is. LOVE IT.
Also loving all my new friends. K-B and Shirt, particularly, because they actually talk to me and hang out with me, and jesusfuck, they’re just awesome. They both make me feel incredible, and that in itself is thoroughly enjoyable. As is their company. Gotta love the mens.
My behavior lately has me somewhat taken aback. I am not disturbed or upset by it, but it seems quite different than the behavior I normally exhibit, and I’m more just surprised by myself than anything else. Actually living life, just taking it by the balls and having FUN is exhilerating.
There may be hope for me yet.
